Joe Rogan Experience #615 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the Joe Rogan experience and then you think about our toys do come from China? in another country working for shit money. there used to be slavery. but if you keep them in economic slavery, They can make whatever choices they would like to make. Let's make up some fucking billionaire character. more you know you really look at the people that create um you know an economy within their own country or within their own community

3:46 iphones if no one shows up for work at the factory right if everyone goes fuck you you can't pay me No. Because you've got to look at it. I don't think it's a half a million. Right. is that I wanted to kill some other people Imagine that moment before you committed suicide. they put a gun to their head yeah're like damn i really like that guy like that's fucked like i don't know what tipped left or right in his uh chemical makeup

7:05 know any sort of mental issues and how to take medication for it and overcome it and uh i i just He had such a good life. I wonder, you know, I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't know if that's really the factor. Like the really intelligent wealth is keeping the vibe good as long as possible. Well, that's our whole mythology in this country. and that guy dies

9:15 did you see that commercial no But at the same time, to feel part of a group. there. involved in it and you kind of get a sense like this guy described it to me and he became an open being funny on stage and then it was like like 99 somewhere around then 98 99 boom he figured it out the guy is he's just great he's phenomenal yeah he's a really good comic man i saw him in

12:51 or whatever the number is But to sit down and watch the whole He was doing a lot of new shit like about people don't want to admit they were asleep all right all right you know I fell asleep I used to work Yeah. He was tweeting a whole book. like a new 140 characters every day. How many tweets a day was he doing? Yeah. When stand-up stood out. It's aino documentary. When Stand Up Stood Out.

15:56 You and I have talked about this before, was probably two or 300 rooms, right? Between Boston Comedy, between Sherry Hirsch, Barry Katz's organization I mean, and again, if you had a car and you would pick up the headliner, go to the movies, and drive to the gig at night. So they're sitting there waiting to get seated. i mean i'm not joking man because they're not even in the same room as you so they have no

19:02 It was the worst. Just work the Johnsons. Dick Hurts. tight yeah buttoned up right they leave the cape and my friend dated this girl from the cape she Like, she had the newspaper with the classified section where she had put an ad. Wow. unforgiving you know it's there's something cool but even being cold walking around the beach in It's stalled out.

21:42 We'll go fall. They don't give a fuck. Yes, Gregory. Oh my God, this is real. All natural. You're scrubbing out the bacteria and the blood. It's intertwined in all the fibers of your cooch Hold on a second. Every woman gets one truck. It would be like once a year they pick up your soiled And I want, she's on that shit. It was like a real rudimentary roadside water park.

25:52 But a lot of girls are hornier when they're on their period. actually turn you into a woman I can turn you back into a woman back into where women are walking around naked. Okay, what about this? Nope. There's so many seat little little It's fucking crazy. shit that seems to excite people unexpectedly you know when you talk about like the average Well, tell me because I would assume that it's a lot of choking and abuse type stuff.

28:48 It's so inane. Literally nothing happens in the end. usually like an overweight woman. trends and the way people behave like the fun there's a fundamental need that we have to touch each other. Oh, And the first job that I ever did in Hollywood, that stupid hardball show, I had this situation where I came out here, didn't have any friends, and I was out here filming it for like two weeks and didn't have a girlfriend in L.A., didn't know anybody.

31:50 dull your life feels dulled down yeah and unfortunately whether it's because of genetics They meet in a public place and they just come. interviewed and they were like, well, does it sometimes That'll end bad. there, a lot of mean people out there a lot of insult people that will insult you just someone who hits on you You know, It's an insecurity.

34:10 And you're losing. yourself you try to be more attractive and no matter how unattractive you are Like that's it. Yeah, they can pull it off. But there's still a lot of people that are like car journalists, like Chris Harris, who That's right. Fitz Simmons. Yeah, this is what you want. This is what you want. naturally aspirated horsepower Or get one of those Challenger Hellcats.

37:21 Oh, I like the back. That car fucking handles man that's how There's been studies done. If you had lions all around your bedroom, I bet you'd have so much testosterone. No way. your walls are insulated with lions. And you walk out there and then you sleep. You walk out there and the thing's flopping around, it's trying to kick The new male comes into town.

40:39 You'd get angry. You're probably going to have to call in the maid and shit. I just don't want them peeing on me. It's fucking weird to watch, man. Yeah, some kind of little gland back there. I had a cat they used to spray, too. Fucking bummer. Yeah. He like is pick up his back, like his ass and his tail. Like I was trying to figure out how to get this little guy in a basket.

43:11 He was trying to kill me. But he was my buddy. It was the weirdest thing, man. yeah like trying to maintain in your home a feral cat is a very unique situation yeah taught me a But there was no other person that was allowed to pick him up. Oh. man once you if you're that fucked up from like that like first couple months like your view of overeat if you leave out food he's dead now but uh he uh didn't overeat no no he he don't he

46:04 Never was totallyovy. It's when people got too close to him. He just wasn't, never was totally sure. Yeah. Never was totally sure. You know, it reminded me of when you talked about grabbing flying around the apartment. And so I'm alone in the apartment, and there's a bat flying around, and Batman is on TV. And then I hear you coming up the stairs. I'm standing there with sunglasses and a hat on.

48:17 Hey, I don't remember what I did. But I remember there's some hitting involved. I'm pretty sure it was the tennis racket could have been Same thing with squirrels. But it might have been sick, too. They're everywhere. People hate coyotes. I mean, it's a fucked up thing to say because most people don't leave their three-year-olds alone. So when you force coyotes out of neighborhoods, which I agree with, it's a two-edged sword.

50:13 And this fucking coyote came running up behind her. The coyote ran off with her dog. So I would rather have rat traps out than those little fucking cunty dog-eating monsters. They're all dogs. get dogs to think that they're their friends like they come around they hang out with them they're What the doors open should I come out? Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Just use your nose. You know, it's open the door. Come on

52:51 jumped onto the fountain and then right over the fence i got the fountain right up like one of those But if you don't, they'll start picking their feathers off. lay an egg every day, whether or not they're pregnant or not. So how do they know which ones So they sit on it and they don't want to get off of it. It's fucked up, man. I'm just kidding. But it's a really weird thing that I buy other chicken from a grocery store.

55:31 take care of all the dirty work for you. pathetic existential existence this thing lives in and i hate that we have him as a pet um and just stay an herbivore. Little kids walk up to these wild rodents So they come up to you when they see you. They were so confident. They're just a rodent that got cute. But it weeded out the vicious ones until they got smaller and cuter

58:28 And whenever he would go towards like the cage where the fox were, they're their colors changed their their overall even the males their bodies this animal like very quickly and the idea behind it was they were trying to make an analogy towards and that you know when you really think about that like that's kind of very similar to what is happening with those foxes

1:01:34 Right. Like, oh, my God. your car and that's why the alarm's going yeah that is possible it's in the back oh then don't There was always somebody bumping into it while they were parking. And they used to go, they used to go for way longer. Mm-hmm. you could totally filter that out. I've had the same pair. Wow. No shit. So it's a Mustang GT engine, like this crate engine.

1:05:19 Pull up the silver one because there's a fucking silver one. But if you see that thing driving down the street, I mean, that's like some Mad Max, Apocalypto, Wonder Ride. It's a cool west side car too, because it looks like you could take it on the street, I mean, that's like some Mad Max, Apocalypto, Wonder Ride. I want to have, I've a Prius, Everyone's in front of us.

1:07:11 So if you want to get out of L.A., you get on one of those power lines, but you need a truck like that. do. People are going to be camping out on the beach because they can't it was like fucking zero below you know 10 below zero something like that horrible horrible weather I mean, I'm right in the tsunami zone. The canals. Get out now. like nobody wants the generic ones because the generic ones are like they get flat q-tips stay fluffy as shit yeah who's the asshole that makes those q-tip fake

1:10:15 Walk away. shit that does the purpose Oh, yeah, big-ass cars. They're worth a lot of money in other countries, I'm sure. That's it. If somebody pulls up one of those Eleanor Mustangs, They just nailed it. Yeah, they were creating these fucking masterpieces. Yeah, and at the exact same time as when the Japanese cars started coming out, And I'm very pro-union, but I'm starting to slip a little bit in some ways.

1:13:41 You mean like things like? establish environmental parameters like things like people trying to fix their area they're trying to develop a house and they've like literally been told like you operate regardless of whether or not we like you or don't like you no there's like this is like union that's involved in construction or unions involved and you know coastal commissions those

1:16:28 because they were trying to save so much money You've got to establish. You need to pay them. He was in the auto workers union and he was telling me like how crazy some of it really only took one guy. and I would take over He was talking about how much money these different workers were making. Did I need to break down that math? in there there was a woman that women there's male teachers how dare you no i was thinking

1:19:47 You gotta survive. You're gray-haired. It's a weird world, man. having them in a large but then they set up the writers guild to renew in February every two years, I mean, I just got a residual check on a TV show that I did. this that's taken off we're barely getting a taste of it that's crazy yeah they missed that And that one year that I had off, I paid $13,000 for my family.

1:23:14 you get, they can only work I've worked on both sides of it. I worked non-union jobs and as a producer not a Like as far as like, You have a 12 hour turnover. Because everybody wants to brand whatever it is that they're putting into the project Maybe they go an hour long. I was the showrunner on that. The next night That's a lot of money. You're paying everybody

1:25:41 about those unions. There's some unions that are They own the UFC. But if they did pay the wages, I guess they're happy with what they make. And they hired politicians, and one of them actually just got busted. This is one of the main guys So they're spending all this money and like getting people upset about the UFC and making I had a buddy who was in the Teamsters.

1:28:15 He was like, here, I taught you right here. I mean, the guy's making a living. Yeah. Yeah. Love that guy. I mean, the thing is, if you think about a finger, Yeah. So, like, his ankles worked, but, like, from the ankle down, And then he'd hit the ball, and he just never could hit it straight because you need balance. Dead feet. That little Yeah. You got no desire.

1:31:47 It's all barefoot. It comes from like weird fungus getting in there. yeah if anybody's listening I mean unless you're that and here's a big one dude this is really big probiotics fucking i drink this shit all the time What the fuck are you doing here? Yeah. It's huge. Like the amount of weight in your body is like 12 pounds or something of bacteria.

1:34:41 Yeah. distress throughout the entire body, like as a, you know, the symbiosis of your stomach, My gut is wrong. Giardi, you get that from drinking water that animals shit in. You got it from a hotel? Tap water gave us Giardia. and I came in and I just looked at him like, hey, it's an asshole move. so it comes every 12 minutes, you can stick your hand in that.

1:37:25 Greg Fitzsimmons looking for excuses to fart on people. And I was like, oh, fuck. But apparently he keeps it for life. They just plant spores in you. Hold on. Oh, I love that club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How dare you? because if it has a neon footprint on it— Yeah. I like women's feet. Like, why is it more desirable to see, like, perfect toes? So if people had beautiful, smooth, clean hands, you never had to worry about them.

1:41:21 But maybe she was just a part of a narrative that's been going on forever like are really getting into um glutathione for some which is I think it's like an amino acid or something like that. hands. I'm just a white guy, so it doesn't look that freaky. But if I get a tan, it can look Again, it's not that much of a contrast between the area where I have pigment and the area where I don't have pigment.

1:43:29 Like on the weekends, I'll eat some powdered donuts March 12th through 14th. Yeah. And then the Hollywood Improv, which is definitely up in that uh rankings Crowd fucking went crazy. I think he tanked it. Oh, did he really? So nothing like starting the show off with a tank and going, you know, over your five. Are you listening, Arsenio? He's a very nice guy.

1:45:45 They asked me to do that. The fuck you're going to tweet for me. Like the idea that you have to give it up. Some genius want me to tweet stuff, send it to No shit. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. It's about the Greg Fitzsimmons show. You would have to get somebody who really knew you. Yeah, like what are you getting mad at dummy? Yeah, Jesus Christ that I really enjoy following is people

1:49:19 you read their twitter feed and you're like oh okay i can't tweet every day sometimes i just don't really have anything to say but you know you feel Yeah. back and you go, oh, I didn't even get why I wrote that bit. I have a bit that I just added to another bit that I abandoned years ago. I'll just put it aside. And then all of a sudden oh, it's right there

1:52:26 And I really hadn't thought about a lot of it. And going over it like that, and listen to it the next day and think about it and then give yourself some time to write new Or if you were, you'd have to be really disciplined. people who don't know, Yeah, we're old as shit. Yeah. How old? Well, when I was, I guess when I was in like ninth grade, I fooled around with this girl

1:54:55 very successful and I was living out in and they were Italian from Queens. Then they come out on the weekends. Oh, she was the greatest Wow. Yeah it was like hers all up to her Wow standard shift she fucked you she I would just, my hands, I was, I'm checking. Till next time. We try it again. But when you're 17, you're jerking off to magazines. serotonin and dopamine and love and oxytocin and come hurry up come ah good we win we reproduce Hurry up, come. Good. We win.

1:58:54 That feeling that you get when you just, oh, rub my balls. Yeah. with magic mushrooms. I think that was, I think that was in the fifties. Yeah. So, so they did into what he called the drug and magic mushrooms psilocybin psilocybin yeah and the rest of their lives, realizing that all is love. They said that's the common thread that like uncertainty, a mushroom trip would be even more profound. But if you have a real powerful

2:02:26 You give people like five dried grams of psilocybin mushrooms They all reach some different psychedelic state. Entrench yourself in the the common threads and themes and pathways of everyday life if like optimized in this one brief burst of love and color and just geometric objects and patterns, if there was a scale from the worst experiences I've ever

2:05:40 a lot of like ancient hindu art yeah it's um it's a geometric pattern and um a lot of like ancient Hindu art. Yeah, it's um, it's a geometric pattern and Yeah. Yeah. And it also, it's like a really intense form of love. You know, that's a weird way to How important is it who you do it with? And this guy's going to blow tobacco smoke and play the drums,

2:08:28 like I'll play it for you. and they're doing it, Yeah. I was going to say, but when you see these studies coming out about the benefits of it, They just started marking things illegal. Same as crack. Because crack is for black people and cocaine is for white people is the implication. And marijuana. Well, hopefully. And if you're like barely hanging on, if you're like on the verge of a heart attack, it could push you over the top. Adderall's scheduled too. I used to take that shit.

2:12:42 because the government wasn't buying it they weren't really Think about the fact they've figured out like a big percentage of the pharmaceutical drugs that we use today, today big percentage of them come from like rainforests and error a lot of stuff they tried that somebody died from and they went well check that one off were they were talking about how that you know that the native people used to set fires they just

2:15:03 Like the song takes place in a three-dimensional form. but there's no real words for it. would be describing it to me it'll be like okay maybe complex geometric patterns floating in and You could talk about, oh, I went to the ski lodge. what your imagination is going through while you're tripping on something and then show it in major theaters around the country?

2:17:27 that it could be done that way. hallucinations, visuals, I know with meditation, there's certain levels you can get to. You know, Seinfeld has done it forever. And a lot of comics that I like, we're doing it. pull yourself back to the mantra and do that. And you just let yourself go with it. And it's higher right um that's that's really fascinating what is the mantra what do you say well they give each person a different one. I mean, there's X number of mantras. I don't

2:19:41 So you just sit there and make the sound. chief reason I started is that I'd read a lot about it. And it said that that's one of the And it's almost like a cycle, like a cleaning cycle. So twice a day, you're stopping that cycle. the buds and parse all the problems and settle it all down that makes sense because me at my worst phone call what's connected to that thing that you got to take care of you didn't

2:23:06 control what that means. There's ways of having, you know, cognitive changes where you stop yourself when they were in childhood, that when they were in childhood, because that abuse oftentimes like So then when anything bad happens in your life you go back to thinking you caused it. It makes you think if this if people were doing mushrooms, doing acid?

2:25:35 What you're doing is you're allowing yourself time to reflect on what you're doing and whether They have to hit rock bottom. I was just feeling like it was controlling my life. And so for me, I think changing it with a shallow bottom meant that there was so much more baggage that went with it. I just can't do it. They'd look at you drinking. Because with the same power they drank with, they got sober with.

2:28:40 oh yeah get up and do those meetings they tell hilarious stories about waking up shit face Yeah, yeah. There's a 12 o'clock step meeting and they'd all go. And jacked up on coffee. Yeah. I got a Datsun too. Those old little Japanese sports cars, and you know what they talk about while they hang out? Sometimes she looks in the mirror and she thinks it's another Pomeranian.

2:31:01 Did you ever see Best in Show? You go, that could fucking totally happen. just rejoicing in the fact that they're geeks. Why do you need them? Why'd you have them still? You're 21. I'm like, I only got rid of them Because I had a couple of them from the time I was like 12 that I really started collecting when I moved to Boston. But you were taught that you were like a loser.

2:33:22 I had a subscription all the way through. Those old Mad magazines were fucking brilliant. Yeah, you ever read his comics? That's San Francisco? He lived in San Francisco, right? he's still alive yeah wow i think he lives in france i think he moved to paris or something Yeah, it was very, you could call it perverted but it was actually just very strange art I think if there's anything like that today I mean this there's all this cartoons

2:36:12 He's writing. hero of the counterculture you would just be like what the fuck kind of hate mail is this i know man wow this is weird Uh-huh. Look at that. This is a famous one. I wonder if he would tell us. I'm gonna say that if you got in touch with him and you said, I'll come to you. I would say just the opposite. These are people who are upset. I remember my sister used to work in an art gallery in New York,

2:39:24 Why are you making me look at this? What is is this what is your obsession with women with giant ankles i think they put hey uh this guy was kind of fucked up like why are we making him out to be this amazing artist It was at a time, you know, when it came out in London, it was about, you know, there were strikes going on at the time and there was riots going on in the street.

2:41:43 yeah i know offense like green day is a great band but they're not punk Bieber. I think he probably apologized to Justin Bieber after that. Yeah. No offense, Green Day is a great band, but they're not punk rock. Yeah. I think he was actually a big liberal. yeah well also I guess what he was doing um with a lot of his images, there were racist pop culture images from the 1940s.

2:43:49 Yeah. in a way that showing them racist stuff It's offensive to some people. Hey, there, fella. You know, like, you could mock. This is racist. she was too lazy to move to the back of the bus or something like that She's doing fucking great. She opened for Cat Williams for years. Is that what it is? The new remakes of movies are just, They read the Thelma and Louise?

2:47:52 Yeah, just blowing guys and shooting women. That's when he was a young, sexy guy. You know, there's a few of those moments where the chicks were like super fucking badass in a believable way. True Romance. Dude. Yeah, with Christian Slater? Oh, wow. True Romance. Well, there was two movies that were similar. Or was it John Madsen? It was so real. I want to get her in here, man.

2:50:25 I was curious how much they want to talk about it. You know what happens when you're clear? This guy wanted to buy a piece of property. Did he try to get you to a meeting? Wow. It's at the door. She broke out. They kept moving her around. Every time she gets And they would get schooled for like two hours a day. Because babies are a burden on the church.

2:53:15 Yeah, it's probably like a 10% tithe. Is this the book, Beyond Belief? when she left the church, Yeah, you could have been born there. Oh, yeah. Did they smack you around a little bit? Just awful, awful place. Greg Fitzsimmons. Fitzdogg Radio Radio twice a week. Nice. GregFitzDog.com. Big kiss.