Joe Rogan Experience #618 — Artie Lange Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Check it out! Whatever. So my friend John Tobin, who was a stand-up comic from New York, he and I used to meet It's so classic, right? Absolutely. I don't know about that. This guy's going to be better than me at everything. I didn't know. lived, cops found him just getting crazy? And Sinatra with Ava Gardner. Yeah, and there's some women that just have their currency,

3:36 Well, that's exactly what they were trying to do. Arthur Miller. I don't know how I know this. one year? These two guys, they don't Really? I watch kickboxing. And that's all I pay attention to. And setting the fight now is a good time. I mean, he looks good, dude. like maybe there's a little something that he lost. It affected the rest of his life.

6:17 I like Frazier, too, but it's classic Howard Coselli. Arguello, Pryor. Well, they thought it was coke. I don't think you could just drink Coke. Yeah. And especially in whiskey. But those fights, I'll give you another fight as a boxing fan. Did he knock out Hearns before that or after that? I guess maybe he couldn't find them, whatever. like a fucking wild animal after he beat Leonard

9:01 box again. He's a classic It's amazing. That's what you want. He'd go down, he was short, and they'd miss him, yeah. man. Even That's atmosphere. I mean, he was just off the chain, crazy. What's got to change? You just train. I'll have a party or something. You like doing the road still? I've tried bringing friends of mine to open for me and I still am miserable.

12:30 The multiple shows are tricky if you freeball your material a lot. The 400 pound guy's got like khaki shorts on. He's got his hands closed like this. I made a mistake. He's got to fucking treat you like that. You like him? They're both the same color. of people know who he is, which means he probably, Yeah, sure. I think that's a good move to call yourself Ocho Cinco.

15:28 stuff I like doing, so it doesn't bother me. recently is we have a bunch of guys in here and we watch the fights and But I ended up up five Gs. Yeah, he won. It was nice. Want to play, matey? No, that was a fun time. in the contract. Oh, right. That commercial What would you not like about podcasting? Look, you're a really fucking funny guy. I get on Twitter, I said, look, this is hilarious.

18:15 self-deprecating. and you'd come all over yourself? to come. So you're a freedom come for a man you got to come across the board and everybody will be happy oh wow when people I'd just be clapping. that says some nutty shit that nobody expected Very angry. Boom. You've got a lot of people who enjoy that kind of comedy. I heard they sat that close to the TV.

20:51 it's an art form. Just like a violent I got a girl who looks like she's an ISIS if I did that. Did you put that on? That page later. I you know yeah, I don't know I don't have time listening. Otherwise, they just do something else. But I can't get sponsors. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, that might kill people. enough to make those funny tweets no i gotta keep me, you son of a bitch. No, I gotta make money for my mother.

23:39 Or podcasting? wrong is they're trying to get paid from Wow. start off, look, I've listened to some I'm tired. Every time I took a dump, it sounded like James Caan getting shot in the Godfather. No, you don't have to do that. trainer to motivate you. who's going to motivate him to get I don't think you're allowed to say mulatto anymore. I'll do it.

26:37 There are a lot of people listening. That's the hard part. It's hard to do. Yeah. I ate two of them the other day. Good for you my man. nothing like good street food. It's a long shot, and I'll just accept you as putting one down like, yeah, I think Artie's some sort of a gigantic change, It's booze. If you have an orange, peel it this way. Now, food is a sensuous thing, man.

29:09 Mmm. I go to work, I make money, and I pay for them. Of course you do. But I mean, earn them psychologically by trying to take care of your body, those those meals. And it means even more when you get them. I do. I go to work. I make money. And I pay for them. But all the other days, really healthy, really like real foods. This story gets better and better.

30:17 I have to. I know who did it. He's where I got the kale shakes idea from. That's right, man. So when he gets hungry, he's like, I'm going to go to McDonald's. Well, we can't do that. I mean, if you just paid for the food and, you know, their services, like they donate their services so that you can promote them. Really? he dies, it's going to be insane.

32:34 Well, I'll go to the gym first. You've got to like the chairman of the board. That's amazing. Shirley MacLaine, Dean Martin. I'll kill him. Really? I lost $38,000 there one night. Wow. It's good to look at the city but not be in it. You look out his window. You're like, dude, your view isn't even real. That's the bridge to the right. It looks like framed. It doesn't even look real. Really?

34:57 But there's three archetypes. When you're looking at it and you realize like, wow, this is an amazing place. I do the Doheny one. Like it doesn't look like any other view I've ever seen I've taken photos of it when you're flying in you kind of sort of i look outside i have route three and sea caucus which is there's usually snow trouble And that's saying a lot.

36:42 Just lay down. what the fuck? I'm not a bump on a log So what do you have to do for that? Last two years, I've had to take the insulin. Well, I could see how that would weigh you down. No, I'll be all right, man. It's perfect for it. You're just too good at it, man. Yeah. I have not shot pool in eight months. Listen, I suck at first too. I'm sure. In one week, I won 22 Gs hustling nine ball.

39:54 Oh, so you had a mark. Deej. No, Deej made Wow. And Red Hair Tommy found out what we were doing. Wow. Okay. but he beat some lower level pros. I know West End, yeah. Yeah, so that was my addiction phase. It's a real sort of hand-eye coordination, yet slow. Those are brutal. I was going to handle his booze. I loved that movie. That was a legendary place on 14th Street.

43:43 Wow. It's not even indirectly. Because then people who loved to gamble on things, they didn't have to execute. Pressure and nerves that people didn't want to face up to. And then, of course, that cuts into the pool business. And I play with him all the time. Yeah, it's artwork. I mean, pool is a true sort of, you know, a less sophisticated version of chess.

46:02 I wish it would. Why don't we have a tournament? Look who I'm talking to. We'll figure out how to do it, and we can get some other comics to play. He held it back when he was here. What the f***? What if it was like, you can play but you have to shoot it with your pussy. There must be. imagine they would be playing pool with pool balls coming out of girls I don't

47:55 Do you know what the fuck they're doing? Very difficult. big-time tournaments. They've had some It's the first big boxing match. Just fast, a lot of movement, and I think he's quicker. at us i knew it was gonna happen yeah here we go and it's coming oh good lord knocks the yeah I'm stretching. Oh, that feels good. How many times do you guys do it a week?

50:11 Here's the code to get the free month. $6.95. Well, I guarantee That sounds better. It's crazy. $6.95? I'm like, yeah, that's fine. Whatever. People have said that. Yeah, sure like psychologically yeah there's i mean it's not a coincidence they What are you looking for? We're back? We have some fun. really good. And Dom can play. Bring him on! It's too loud. What do you mean, like comedy like comedy shows yeah like do a comedy show and then play

53:42 don't know how to play that it It's the same thing as pool. I do. Wow. You pop it out again? That must have been one Just burning through. Oh, that'll call you. That's the most I ever lost. Yeah, it hooks you and then boom, before you know it. do you feel like you need to place a bet? To me, what I'm getting out of Artie Lang, because I love you, That goes deep down to the nerves.

56:37 Anybody here know what the under-over is? once you hit the over, I get the chill saying this, once you hit the over, every single basket that A three-pointer is three grand. And every time a shot goes up, it's like, a thousand dollars! We had about 40 Gs on every game. that could be urban legend absolutely well everyone knows he's just a wild maniac yeah he's one of the funniest smartest

59:17 take my Heisman Trophy, whatever that's worth. First defensive guy to win the Heisman Trophy. How's that go over? What did they expect? Just done with it. He goes, I did. A date rapist has to have No, he's just a real special dude. That's how it should be anyway. Who cares? They can get me there, you know, and call me back when I want to. That's how it should be anyway.

1:02:00 Noddy, the line is hot. But you play sports, though. I thought, well, me and you first met at Mad TV a long time ago. It's actually a very good sketch. Brian's a good man, man. But it was one of those things. Well, it's a fun place to work. Well, you know that Mad Magazine. Yeah. I mean, Mad magazine is like, I used to read that shit. Like, I would pitch stuff like

1:04:39 I mean, just make it easier. I loved it. you to do a conservative show? That's ridiculous. English they got mad at. will more, but this is the first time I am appreciate it. I hope people will more. And you, like, because of your tweets, like the most pure right you get that burst of one hour you know you get it out yeah there's It depends on the cash, man.

1:07:10 He lives, but does technically live in Vegas? So he doesn't want to perform near where his kids live. original. Unreal. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they do. Right. Well, after he, you know, he'd had one health scare from the heroin, What's it smell like? Yeah, it's got to be Jesus Christ. Yeah. What was it? he became an executive producer How old was he?

1:10:17 You're basically getting the same stuff. I have no idea why. So what was that feeling like? Sniff? Really? It dissolved and was like, whoa. and then bam, than any powder. Like, how old did you become when it was a regular thing? Yeah. much of a pull it has on people. The problem is you've got to go to a great doctor who knows how to wean you off it right

1:13:09 I mean, that's the problem. reconstruction's done, he just can't stop taking them. Is that the only way to party, though? The booze? You gotta mix it? With the pills. Yeah, just, bam. And especially if you have some booze with them, fuck it. Fuck it, right. Is that the only way to party, though? It's like bam, bam. Did you ever do it I told that story before,

1:14:23 so drunk, I said, thanks, Mr. Book. That's why it makes sense that you could play pool how many times you guys think you played that? You're tricking them. Free enterprise. I don't know. Yeah. They wanted to get somebody bigger. You gambling with this guy? So you guys were playing cards? This happened in the 40s? Let's face it, Joe. on the radio. His name was Jim Gordon.

1:18:10 and here's what Jim Gordon would say. I put $1,000 on a giant game He's in Wait No Maybe. Listening to sports on the radio Yeah that was on the radio That's certainly not allowed. Was he a Yankee fan? Damn it, that's a woman. You don't rap people out back then, are you? Is that what it is? See if it goes towards the air cleaner at all Let's just say I'm having dinner

1:21:58 No, I play a cabbie he kills in the first three seconds. The guy becomes an action star deep into his 50s, I think, or his 60s. this before he was like you know a reasonable man in movies hey you talk about obnoxious people my god that's great who wrote it? More than anywhere. How do you stop that? Remember that one. with those words bitch could cook.

1:24:28 Dude, I'll fly in. You may fold on the questioning. The pool tournament. And you too. No. But you're the front runner. You're like a world champion, right? Listen, you are a real comic, and I love you. It was a long time, but you've always been cool. His thing was, and that's all it said. Artie Quitter, ladies and gentlemen. That was fun man. Thank you.