Joe Rogan Experience #620 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Jo Rogan Podcast, check it out! I mean, essentially, you've traveled way more And I like yeah, you do. I'm annoying as fuck at a party if anyone's like oh we went ziplining You take the hike all the way through, They're long. it hurts you get hit in the face I've been hidden fucking bugs by bugs a lot God's tired of seeing all of his favorite romance novels with fucking Fabio on the cover.

2:35 That's a minotaur, right? This is a goose that hit my face back Oh, fuck yeah. that looked like her, so she sued. There was also a Kim Kardashian because there was a woman She's the musician girl, right? including the senator's assistant. But how, I mean, what? Bert Kreischer That's existed before. We were doing an episode for trip flip in LA and I was thinking about getting um look-alikes like impossible personators

6:12 They wouldn't know for like the first five minutes they'd meet. dude, You'd have to give him acid for that to work. You've got, you know, all you're in like a big five point harness and then you just go fly and you're supposed to rock your body. I'm going. I blew through all of them, blew through the emergency one, and went up into the rigging. And I went up into the rigging, racked my balls,

7:56 And the guy had to fucking come out and I'm fucking. My legs would have hit the rigging instead of me like straddling it. I went up like this. It's, you know, look, And when he lands, it's Einstein's theory of relativity. But I didn't, I felt myself flipping and I'm not like a natural gymnast, so I didn't want to flip. Don't know All these kids around me

10:22 I go into my bag take a handful of Vicodins. but you have a fucking six-hour bumpy car ride in, I want painkillers. I grabbed two Vicodin, popped them, Jesus ones. Hamstring gods? And he's like, all these kids are around my So they... And I like, instead of, the kid's hand was on my shoulder, but I wanted to touch him. Dude. There's some Muslim countries where alcohol is illegal, right?

12:36 Europeans love to drink, and they want to be a tourist location. Because nobody wants to go on a plane. What kind of haters? I thought I read sports bar. Came back to my room. It was just changing over to a Muslim hotel. Wow. Because no one would go there and if they are there and they're Muslim You don't hear a word. about, you know, faces the wrong direction again.

15:07 because you get into Why don't they have You have them? It was the greatest. Clean my butt proper. Oh, yeah. Some of it, oh, I just showed Jamie this. It's 500. Four years. So, yeah, each episode you're doing numerous things sometimes, right? It's not that. We spend the night on the island, snow, but we don't know what. That happens with me on these jumps and all that other stuff is where you go fuck i

18:11 fucking amazing. Wow. You know, that's like a, that's a hangup. Like you, you're not an alienating guy in any way. They were there they would draw them in with a big tuna head, and then the shark would just appear. And I shit in my wetsuit. who's poking at this And then a leopard bursts This is crazy. That is a fucking- Am I wrong? Fuck all this, right?

21:19 I think they trapped it. that's his house, bitch. all the time. You need to see it. It's like it just sliced them like a fucking perfect meat knife. Those like servals? Or does he have Bengals? Oh, you gotta be. Look at the top of his head. It scalped him, man. Yeah. That's like one of like as far as, the losses that some people have incurred Would you really?

24:47 Their house has holes in it that cats claw through. How about that? Colin Quinn's joke about polar bears. No really good. It is It's a mockumentary, and if you like Colin Quinn, if you like Colin Quinn a little bit, you're going to lose your fucking mind. I really do. It's like he's trolling everyone on the internet. He was on TV when I was in high school.

27:38 And we were going to have people do stand up. And all he was doing was making fun of me. They were on XM, but they were talking and they were taking calls and stuff, That's very accurate. posture themselves real actors too but you know what i'm saying there's a few people in every Listen, you can't say that. You can't say good to see you Good to see you.

30:01 You say, yeah, we met before. Hey, Chris. His name's not Steve. People have a hard time letting that shit go. And you get Fuck You just don't have the hot girls, Holly Clifford, and now I still people are on each show? That's like 120 people Oh, yeah. But your brain will give you access to these files If you pull them up every now and then like if you delete certain things you could still find them like they're in your trash

32:40 lucid dreaming and i was lucid dreaming constantly still am i mean today last night i had a dream You and I talked about this on the podcast before? Yeah. Like, if you touch it, it pops. No, no. And then I found myself for a big chunk, a big, big chunk, stream i told him and then i ended up crying in the middle of it because it was about a buddy who killed himself, but it was

35:33 And then for like seven minutes, we get you to sleep and then give you a period of two minutes silent. guys and you were like, hold on, Bert, Bert, stop. How bizarre. But yeah, dreaming for me is like, I feel like I need it in life in order to stay sane. And it'll start coming out like a braid. Mean the fuck I came in like like I had a dream one time. This is what my funnier dreams

37:11 If a woman did that, you'd be confused. and all of a sudden i hear the curtains start to gonna be pissed when they see that I'm dancing with like and all black people anymore and they want to entertain and spread their new message I'm back. was telling benson he's like leave him on my thing and i'll put him on my podcast so i started doing separate podcast I just did it I did it at a time I was just came out

40:10 about Bert Love Minis You've got commercials release it as a podcast people would love that the um if you're really having that many a night Maybe I will. You can have a bunch of different fucking crazy dreams I had a dream about you and Jim Norton and Bill Burr and a bunch of guys in a radio show, like, two nights ago. as much as I've been So when you said

42:04 Yeah. it's really interesting. I need to get out and do an old bit and to be able to own that bomb and sit in there and trust it and It was kind of interesting. especially if they're paying high ticket dollar prices in theaters, which is like a lot of stuff he's doing. phone i feel like hard to do i don't know yeah i don't know i i feel like when i record it i

44:43 Yeah, I'm saying like it just becomes doing a set so if i say something in the middle of i don't have to like ponder If you don't capture that can someone please tweet that to me? Like, I don't think I like it. Yeah. Are you sure? But when people get sick, it's from the rice. Because I'm a nervous eater about stuff like that. Here's your goat blood hyena piss smoothie.

48:09 the fire and just cooked it it's interesting that's the way they cook i learned too that's People are listening to this. If you look at that on paper, are like What the fuck is he saying On the stick It's fucking sharp as shit And he said well that's interesting. I could just grill my shit. especially in Africa. veal It's fucking fantastic. So if you had just the meat of the deer in the sausage, it would probably be really dry.

51:03 You know what's the best, though? Yeah. There's a lot of elk. And she's, like, super sweet, like, you know, grew up in Brooklyn. wasn't, like, a crazy fitness person it's wild shit dude so it's not like hitting a home run? When you hit a home run, it's all like, yeah, yippee. For Triplip. We went hunting with the crow. Like the little thing that you wouldn't normally talk about in a story.

54:16 but I guess you cut out its asshole? And I was like, no. Put my hand in there and it just kind of took me over. It's leaner than chicken and it's super high in protein. It's really, it tastes better than beef. It's really good, man. Oh, don't do that, man. apparently you're shitting a thousand ants Oh, no. Can you fix this? weight pretty much forever. A few

56:41 I want to maintain my lifestyle than you're taking in. Like I get in those moments where I see like Oreos and I just go they're good Biggest Loser would never incorporate unhealthy lifestyle in it whatsoever. Celebrity Fat Fuck. My agent's an asshole. she's carrying all this body fat and also reminding them after they eat ice cream how they feel like shit yeah you know like know, like after they eat ice cream, I'm like, that was good, right?

59:59 She goes, it does suck. on them i say i think that's horseshit i agree like bacon is fucking delicious i'm not quitting and it melts in your mouth, and I swear to God, if dick tastes like that, my dad would bruise knees. He's like, it's a ritual. I'll have a scent when you start dating me like I'm trying to smells like That's a good call. And then look at this.

1:02:45 when you take it to the next level, right? famous farmer for writing books They eat acorns and nuts and all kinds of shit. freaked out by people, they're not That's funny, like a 3D Maybe that's what they'll do one day. I remember it. He's painting for him this is some weird Old Yeller? Yeah. Oh, I go, I can't even talk about it. What is the premise of time travels wife? I'm not doing this

1:06:13 I'm so glad you see it this way. fucking movie where he played that con man or the uh the uh convict in australia Eric Bana. Did you ever see that one? Bullshit. I think tons of weed can do that to you. But if you go see that fucking had a deal with this guy. And he finds out that his brother's not his brother. Erase, erase bad memories. Yeah. And he does that with a bunch of different characters, too.

1:09:34 in the choreography, it shows one guy teeing off on the other guy. The Fighter? He kept his hands up high. and then guys who just not thinking they can get hit at all. You're not scared of the guy you're not posturing like Daniel Day-Lewis. He's got his hands up. He's moving. He's throwing punches And he boxed for a full year before he did that role.

1:11:52 Which one's that? The MMA one First of all, you would never make people fight two days in a row. You don't know. It's happened. Hickson. They used to have those tournaments. He fought this guy. I was there last week. like and I was just like I let's go back to my show. in Miami. Are you allowed to talk about this without getting gang retribution? I'm a Zo, I'm a Zo, I'm a zoo for life on and our whatever and I will you sang along with it

1:15:32 It was absolutely chaos. How about you tell me, bitch? I said, kick them out. armed i'm not gonna say anything yeah well how does he expect you to perform uh i i think he It was like— Here's the deal. I'd argue to say this, that? Yeah, yeah. I mean, but here's the deal. Here's the deal. So I would just ask them questions that I already had the answers to

1:17:35 equal. There's some people heckle Like, some actors who take themselves super fucking seriously. Okay, well, fuck you. But if you're a guy that's like a guy who sort of like sometimes it's funny to just snap on Yeah. than dealing with you. And so you look at the news, you're like, the world's overrun with cunts. very few people heckle one out of 300 maybe one out of 600 i like the thing that drives me more

1:21:39 i just fucking that will make me crazy and then i'll snap that'll be weird Yeah, I've seen people talk like not why I've been on stage, but rather while other people been on stage Well, Like this guy sucks. Oh, And it's almost like when someone throws a haymaker at you and you just get out of the You're going to trip up. They think they're smarter.

1:23:18 You don't think he sees the right hand coming? than me. And they're moving faster than I can move. I'm going to get hit in the head. Oh my God. It's amazing how fast a real-life punch, like how, you're right, you can kind of do, weaving so that when he was in there he had a realistic sense of the movements that you would without experience is the sign of a fucking idiot.

1:25:34 You know, this guy kicks everybody's ass. This is all wild. No one knows what's person who's never been on stage cracking jokes. Oh, it's fucking painful. No, yeah, there's more that have been out like that. He has that on his first performance, like, in Canada online. thought he would be doing, as opposed to Seth Rogen, the movies I watch. Because stand-ups are never going to give you good material that you could use in their

1:27:37 I always think that about writers for TV shows that started off as stand-ups. Some guys can't do that. Most of my friends don't do it. exchange. I don't know the problem with Larry the Cable guy doing it or Jeff Foxworthy or Yeah, no, he's a comic. I heard him on And you wouldn't do it anyway. are good. and what's going to be funny about this line in response to the pause,

1:29:56 I'm like going page after page. We try so watch it when he was still on the show same shit sometimes Like, oh, God, some people are so bad at it. From the outside looking in, Dick show and all the other stuff, but Andy will tell you himself that it was more battling demons than have. Andy's crazy. Yeah. I mean, he got the Andy Dick show and all the other stuff.

1:32:02 I mean, that's his deal. Now, did you guys have a set? there. I hung out with the dude from Peter Boyle. Yeah, Peter Boyle. Yeah, he was in Young Frankenstein. Peter Boyle. Peter Boyle. Which one? She likes to get fucked up. Like, I'd be like, ooh. for a lot of people to do. character Stephen Root was the boss like he was whether or not okay we're in lofty company

1:34:54 but nobody was using it to Fucking 14.4 baud modems. And then all of a sudden you get a chunk But the show moved nine different times. and then immediately started acting like a cunt. But that just happens when things get successful. There's a comedy movie that my friend did with this guy but he felt like he was such a big deal, and he's a very famous guy,

1:37:58 you to just smash this fucking car yeah like that kind of makes people go nutty when they get famous when things go really And why can't we be on Thursday nights? And there's probably no perspective at the time that you guys were, I mean, we're getting What do you run into him? I want to go like, hey, I know Joe Rogan. He's very intelligent. I didn't mean to interrupt you.

1:40:04 Like if they did interviews and stuff like that, like I mean occasionally people wanted to talk to Phil. Very rarely anybody wanted to talk to me. They did interviews and stuff like that. He was always doing it. Was he in Beethoven? I think he was the dad in Beethoven. No, together. He was always doing something. He was always kicking ass. He was always doing...

1:40:34 Charles Grodin was in the first one, and then I think down the line. Well, he had wigs forever. The guy was around the 70s. Burnout. I don't think you die. In my own parallel universe, they die, and that is for my journey for them to die. Whoa. Like you guys are killing each other like it was like well Because we're like Drink themselves into depression and then blow

1:43:19 I really enjoyed talking to him. He was a comic crazy photographer that didn't know anything This is excellent stuff. Do you have any problem with nudoni. It's so funny. He was doing stand-up there. But he killed himself while he was on the phone, apparently, with his wife. I can't I can't cope with this frequency. He thinks a lot of it might have had to do with him taking Propecia.

1:46:28 I ran out of it, and then all of a sudden my dick was hard as a rock. And I was like, I am going to have to abandon this fucking dam and run from the river cuz like I And the Propecia and the, what's the other stuff? When I got off the Propecia, I took a big hit. help you. I'll tell you what, I'll do a... And then you say to all these young kids, hey, you want to keep your hair?

1:48:55 in a person like you witness your mortality at a young age when you realize fuck I'm actually The solution of shaving your head is always there. No, if they said that there was a pill that could grow a full 18-year-old head of hair for you. Now, if there's anything wrong with Eskimos, all due respect. No offense, Bill Burr. Sometimes you've got two fucking twos.

1:50:46 This cunt, he's got a 52-deck card. The problem is with a lot of people, you gauge how you look based on how sexually desirable you are. Something's going on with his face. And it's like, God, give him a hug. He's got fake hair and fake lips and his face, something's going on with his face They're really good for the first It was ridiculous. Yeah, there's a part of my nose that gets kind of weird right here. If you just smooth that out it'll be good.

1:52:32 that make them inches taller. And so they're slowly Like the whole thing is madness People have weird things in their head. Is that what you're talking about? That's crazy, man. wait, Oh my God, and you walk up to it, and you're like, They had very African-looking faces, and they lived thousands and thousands of years ago down in Mexico and South America.

1:55:55 It's like Gratius heads. Hashtrays don't exist in the world of the Travel Channel. place. This is in Central America, man. They find these fucking things. They're talking about the Easter Island shit. That's a different place. This is in African. Yeah, the lips. You just didn't even get into the whole dress thing that happened the other day. We could both look at the same picture and see two different colors.

1:57:23 Out of respect. and gold. Mine would look like What would you say? Look at this one. When you look at it in Photoshop, you realize it's the exact same color. No, it's not. Yes, it is. I want to see what you guys actually people were saying it's blue and black, and I put it Whoa. Am I right, Jamie? The actual dress is blue and black. But this is what they're seeing.

2:00:13 That does not look black. and a like almost like a brownish goldish okay yeah yes dark gold yeah so you're seeing white But it's not really white and gold. Is that what you're seeing, Jamie? What I'm saying is, though, there's two different ways people are seeing it. Can we cut to the chase and why is it that I see this it's because of that how your eye is shaped in the cones

2:02:15 Pretty much the easy way is how your eyes take shadows But here's the thing that makes it more important, Some people don't see certain colors. I was jogging in the park next to our house. But as he cuffs them, they kind of have to put one in first and the other in next. Because if you cuffed me in 10th grade, I probably would have started tearing up and

2:03:55 And I didn't see this how sad. go into your preferences and invert your screen. and it stays exactly the same. Do you remember that? There was white llama or something The light, just the light changing makes it change colors? And it's a shitty camera, and it's bouncing it off and as soon as you move away from it the exposure changes the autofocus changes

2:06:34 Light is now on the shadow. It's not a shadow. And when I'm seeing it, I'm going to go ahead and say, yeah, I know that there's also light here affecting the way I'm seeing the black and blue dress. Remember, the two faces make a vase? I see Go to this video where I open it up in Photoshop and I invert the colors of the screen when you invert a color to

2:07:50 It's fascinating, man. So it's just our cones are shaped differently, so I pick up a different amount of light than you do. Okay,, too. As it pulls away, do you still see white and gold? When it pulls away, I see blue and black. Okay, me too. camera and you're like this is weird this doesn't look like what it really looked like in real life but it's also a JPEG, and there's not all the data in there.

2:09:43 What? Right there, frozen screen dress. No, he's saying completely different. of a thing but it's not black war gold it's sort of disingenuous yes it's like a creepy yeah the This is the one that has the most. It has more resolution. clearer to you, more in focus? No, no, no. You can make them blend. What I'm saying is me and Joe are looking at the exact same picture, and it looks exactly different.

2:12:47 We definitely see two different things. I think that blows me away a little bit. That's well that makes yellow cars all of a sudden If you watch the llama video, it brings it down and it makes you still think that time It's hilarious. I knew a dude who had llamas. Anyway, that dude owned llamas. To have some crazy llamas Really? You want to know the best part of it?

2:15:06 I'm just a host. The music will be playing. And it's not even just a blackface sloth. I'm sorry. What do they dress them as? And they don't give a fuck. apparently he had a moose once and in carrying the moose Meese? No, the things we were just talking about. It's a llama. You know Big Cat Derek, right? and throwing things. It's just like hilarious.

2:18:23 there like Like, everything started out in the rainforest, right? So it's all about getting to the high trees and figuring out weapons. build something nothing get in there They figured out how to knock rocks together to create sparks and the embers talk shit behind people's backs they think that gossipy shit like really like gossipy type like So they're not bonded with all the people that they live next to.

2:21:47 If you had to, you'd all be a lot tighter. hard to keep the tigers alive like i get it i believe me i get it i'm completely joking i don't Yeah. Safari, yeah. Open air. You don't see gorillas. That's the wrong place. off, and you're just waiting for it to make that one What did you have to do? and a plunger stick with a nail on it the smell of fear coming off you must have been like a,

2:24:56 Do you think they could smell that? There's, So he calls him out, and he's like, Mufasa. It's never like, man, what the fuck's going on? It just went right up to me. Oh my God, dude. And it was roar. That wasn't the scariest? Oh, that's, did we play that before? We need more footage. This is just me getting bolt mold. This is perfect It's because I was like, and they needed me. We had actually shot for about another hour of me in the barrel, and the bull hit in the barrel.

2:28:29 Having said that, obviously jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray was terrifying. at 50% so that we get the shot. But there was this fight or flight survival instinct where I was, I mean, my foot was broken and my ribs were broken. Cause I was like, I'm in the middle of the fucking pen. And I think I think FX canceled that knowing fuck we really dodged a bullet this kid could have been killed

2:30:18 You know my honesty. Right. Oh, shit. I go, I need to know if I'm going to hit the fucking rock. helmet on you and a neck brace on the helmet around you so and they tighten the helmet up There's a lot of things, but it's all – Yeah. Oh, Lord. And then I got done and I was fucking celebrating it. I mean, it's finding new boundaries in your spirit or your

2:33:40 How about you go in the ocean? We've been waiting every There were killer whales in the clouds. That's that fucking bird. If you were on the moon there were ducks you'd be like get the fuck out of here there's ducks on the goddamn moon He'd be like, we found intelligent life. moon to have our our ethics and our the way we look at the world that guy would be so meanwhile

2:36:18 And you see him and he's holding her down, jerking off in her face. Yeah. She's 19 now.. My girl's doing all right. She can't see good anymore. Right. She's 19 now. She would jump up to it. That's sad. They'll howl. I don't know what. or do you think it's cooler to just go to a nice field and just let just let her just be like look you know Brian no no Brian why would you say

2:39:12 They give the cat a shot, and they're dead within moments. But she comes over to me. She wants to get pet, but she sounds like she's like yeah her voice Is there like some stupid law that you have to hold your cat when they put you, cool. i was there for a puppy that had distemper uh we got it from this guy um i can't got it from And it was hard, man, because the doctor was crying.

2:40:52 I was there through the whole thing. And, I've talked about him before. And I was so bummed out. of my job a bunch of dogs, you know? How old is your dog? Yeah. I had a dog like that. Or we just leave it and she drags it. Do they think there's any light on the horizon? I mean, it gets love all the time, but... You're watching and just going like, what?

2:43:44 We're making bionic knees And he has a very extreme case of arthritis where he's, I guess it's called rheumatoid He's the best. What's the solution? There's got to be a way. Oh, I and you just don't know what what is it i mean can they fix it what's the solution like there's got to be a way oh i think i don't know improve that that that's that's your two bones of your disc, they remove all the gel that separates them, they cut it all away,

2:46:06 and they explained it on the UFC. So these guys are getting these discs where they were really fucked up before. I have no fucking clue. I was worried I was going to deal with what Boss Rooten's dealing with. That really fucked his neck up, Like, there's some hard work out there. You don't know what's gonna happen with it Not like the early ones either.

2:49:04 That's a good one. But you're getting your chest lit up by some guy No. His sister, Katie Seagal, wasn't married with children. Nailed it. Shut up, Jamie. I'm on Bert's side. That's her Go to Steven Seagal's website. Aikido, Hollywood, DirecTV. It's Yee Oong Yun? How dare you? Look. That they both kind of took different angles in the business. I heard that from George Michaels.

2:52:46 Bert Kreischer, follow him on Twitter.