Joe Rogan Experience #623 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Song, is that the whole name of the song? Oh, nice. That's a great new theme song. Yeah, as he was fucking destitute, living in this little shitty area of Hollywood. I remember every time I'd visit you, And then eventually the homeless people started moving in. No. with this weird horn thing like on the railing in a corner and i asked my friend there i was like

1:54 building up in there, people would... pink dot he goes how about we only enter through the pink dot parking lot and they're like still I got the deal. You were never moving back, dude. Well, I knew when we first met. Like, Sebastian is a really good example. told you so what's seven times four it's an easy one you're like 11 you're like no you're awful

4:33 tony yeah i had a conversation with him afterwards i go dude you're really funny you could really do These jokes do better. But the reality is he was talking to some young new guy who was like, I don't know, So like, he's probably so tired of hearing that. And I was just doing open mic nights. Yeah, I did the comedy connection once And so I think that when I remember that like back in those days

7:17 Right. That's ridiculous. That sounds so crazy. Russell Peters. perfect example. And they were just talking in the front. You don't get up here? Yeah, you could overpower. Yeah, I love that. He's going to be very upset at you over this. Oh, they're so great. I got in because of the Todd. But anyway, Louie called the punchline for this guy. I want to see funny shit.

10:03 For the price, it was goddamn sweet. It looked like the apocalypse had hit. to and he just wouldn't want to do his fucking armenian he may as well have been a jew the worst time is um even though you weren't achieving like great financial success you were doing well on When it comes time for a showcase for Montreal or Conan or something, we have to just start,

12:04 Yeah. I started taking you on the road. But like, how'd you go from that to like, hey, come open for me once? I was probably already a paid regular. You were working there. that his name which guy the guy who first had like the medical marijuana yeah yeah yeah was that his down there and buy some from them just to give them some love because they're really nice guys

14:38 It's hard to talk about that, man. would laugh and laugh and crack jokes and just talk about weed talk about life and all kinds I called you. And it wouldn't leave. Yeah. And you were like, nah, who cares? yeah you can't you can't get fired yeah you're learning how to do this you'd only been doing it Yeah, exactly. Then you get into this introspective, really articulate zone.

18:10 For me, it was two and a half hours. What does that mean? I'm going to have Todd McCormick come on and explain all of this. Like, he's an actual historian. There's shitty weed. So once I realized I was high, high i was like keep your mouth shut dude but if you get that wave right like the like i started running out like this table i said getting out over and over and six shots in a row, I started running out like this table. I started

20:27 and while it's in the air, you go, And then the ball comes to you. That's the same with jiu-jitsu as well. rather than being uncomfortable with what you're doing. when you're high where it's like let me just say a joke and then you just think of something Yeah, let it taper off. Yeah, don't risk having it too high that time, And that's where a lot of comedy comes from.

22:41 It makes you more aware. I shit on them for who they were. people that were smoking around the store? the late 90s and the early 2000s, like right when I started smoking. I knew what it was like to be around those guys. boston philly something like that we're all driving to a gig we saw these like 18 year old And they're like, oh, my God. because he was really big back then he looked like a football player He was probably like two hundred and thirty. Oh really 240 maybe we're near that well

26:24 Like they're fun guys to hang around with those guys. You got drawn to them from that. Those guys are fun. Right. They're fun guys to hang around with. It was like, oh, to be around that kind of shit, man. trying to pretend to be anybody no you're right he totally is not trying to be anything else he I used to have a hard time following him, too, man.

27:52 He would go on the headliner killer. why are you taking Joe Diaz on the road with you? Kevin Meaney at the Miami Improv. You're in Miami all cuban half of his act. He doesn't Spanish okay. I'm not kidding It's like a 10 o'clock show on a Friday night in Miami. We have big pants. So anyway, I knew even way, way, way, way back then, you know, when you first started out,

29:43 All the years you tried to get past the store I got in pretty quick because of the Todd. But the store is where I learned how to put it all together. Oh really? Yeah, man. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah I learned dude going on after Martin Lawrence in the main room on a fucking Saturday night when he was when he was doing those ate it like when you eat it you can eat it and you can still kind of like half acid

31:37 She would just shove you on. That was fun. at the store you have these door guys who are Russell Peters. Well, that's the cool thing. At the store, excuse me, employee. These are people that like No. took her boobs out I felt them like who are these people No more warnings. And you know everybody would come to see his shows and you do these midnight spots

34:42 Sorry, go ahead. You saw the whole thing from the beginning. No. You don't get to just watch once. she would know like she would nail it you Or she would go, he's fucking funny. She's awesome. I'm doing pay what you want. So all this has happened over the last few years. And there's a billboard. Yeah. Look at that fucking picture, man. The fact that it's right there is so goddamn crazy.

38:36 it's it's amazing to see dude it's so cool it's so fucking fucking cool it's wild just that doesn't Come on, make it down the street. No. Oh yeah, Kroll Show billboard. there's two episodes left They get the info when people are recording it? Wow, that's interesting. So all you freaks out there with weird shit know about DVRs? They get the info. They get the info when people record it?

40:02 I don't know if it means if you watch it for them to register or just DVR it making like five cents an hour. in human history. They do get the numbers, like a few days. It doesn't mean I want to kill the president. probably a preference settings, isn't there? It's been cool, though, man. Yeah. It's like, you just have to know about someone. You don't know about it.

42:50 This out there. This is amazing. And then you go back and listen to their old stuff. Shows are being real successful. It's just so many funny guys, right? That's what it is Carrot Top It's funny. to see comedy It's way more specific I think that it's super important that we encourage more people to do it as much as possible. Go see Segura and Christina and Fulcheron and it's better and more real than a movie. Yeah. If you know. Go see Segura

44:30 is going to be in town, He'd look at it He's super hacky. Yeah, and you're like, oh, I got to get out of here. That's why it's so weird when Dane Cook says people, like, comics stole his essence. when they were 14, 15 years old And you watched Jim Carrey. It's like we're all influencing each other. It's not a straight copy copy so you wouldn't think that

46:40 my thinking I want to mimic that. And they're just stupid talented in a way that I don't understand. Flaming Lips has all this confetti and shit. and it was like, oh my God. an asian bassist to look like jimmy eha whatever his name is a female guitarist to look like the Really? Courtney Love. Yeah, she must have been good pussy. Yeah. I don't know, man.

49:49 I was trying to get her for my storyteller show. Or 20. Can't you imagine going through life like that? We're doing it too. And then just like blew it off. He was alone. that appeared out of mist. That's some strong meth. God. And coke. I want to know what all feels like? Yeah. And what heroin feels like? Yeah. God. For sure. They killed him in an opium den?

51:54 I think it was Wyatt Earp. They had the Chinese people who helped build the railroads or basically built the railroads. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just tobacco? I thought that was tobacco oh really just tobacco I think you grow in Afghanistan, and I think you can grow it in some climates in South America or something like that. It's like, there's not really plants

54:19 Oh, really? So it was just bark and shit? In a preparation commonly known as kinikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikik We smoke bark. That's one of the only impressions I can do. And I'm sure all the Indians listening are like, that's terrible.

55:16 That's why it's dumb. I didn't know I was, you know, saying something really fucking stupid. Native. Fuck yeah, high school. Yeah. Florentine merchant who owned a business in Seville, Spain, It's like fucking name it after me then bro. Yeah, why are you calling it Amerigo land? Yeah, Amerigo land is good You ever seen when people get really down on America?

57:04 KKK's clan. I can have the MZ, dude. So, like, he shook him? Oh, my God. Oh, he ran them over. Oh, no. Oh Who ran him over? He hit two of them. No. Right. When I was a little kid, So, I'm not interested in that. Like I wouldn't be the person that attacked them. Yeah. What if you found Ted Bundy? I would end that motherfucker so easy. they killed him but I would have killed him

1:01:45 and then he would give me a reason to think that he was dangerous, Yeah. I mean, let's assume. Some white guy. You have to answer your own question. You wake up and you're like, why am I naked? You get that as your affliction that you need to do that been drugged you know you you'll hear them talking about it Now, looking back, it's so Yeah, listen.

1:05:06 So I'm like, how much are they for real? You have a cappuccino machine in your bedroom? what's up with that label? He thought it'd be funny And he did let you know that you were going to be taking a marijuana. Come on. Is that in Vegas? See if Simone says thank you again So fun. That place is awesome. that exhibition. Yeah. heavyweight champion and uh yeah this is um yeah, he, I believe it was Virgil Hill, he fought Roy Jones,

1:07:41 Yeah, he won a silver medal in the Olympic Games in 1984. Briddick Bowe was an Olympian. Boom, look at this body shot. it's not usually, Now that I've been watching UFC, So Roy Jones knocked him out with a body shot on the opposite side that you usually see. As a matter of fact, these two. Rich Franklin was the world champion when he fucked him up.

1:09:35 Yeah. the UFC was started in 94. Yeah. showed a photo of herself the other day on a scale and she said 175 side work yeah like a couple days after her fight 175 that's what i Her toes look like some of these lips in Chicago in the winter. I don't know something like she's yeah, it looks like Jesus But that's the one out there... But most people don't have no idea like people that are just UFC fans. Yeah, what are they 35 and 25 and that's it?

1:12:34 They move quicker. Maybe they own it or they're part of it. But that's neither here nor there. Well, then, not only that, people will be calling for it. Yeah. She's scary. Well, he fought his brother, Michael Spinks. Larry was past his prime. Yeah. Mm-mm. And that's how they decided to do this one-man show. Like Raging Bull? People love it, man. I forgot about the pigeons.

1:15:49 like all his nerves and apprehension and all these different things and how they would evaporate as And then once he got in there and he looked at his opponent, he just knew he was just going to smash them. Most guys were pretty much intimidated. five minutes before I come out, When I come out, I have supreme confidence, but I'm scared to death. I thought this man might be capable of beating me.

1:17:42 but I never take my eyes off my opponent. Then when he comes to the center of the ring, to take my punches. greatest fighter ever lived. you definitely can't have a distorted perception if you start being confident you won't get better everything you're the best ever i was always the best i always had gold medal from the time i was a baby gold medal number one in class

1:20:18 The last this year and the last season, the one before that. The stripper one's, too. To this day, I almost wish I could find a way to barely stay in touch with her. I'm seeing you tell it. Yeah. Yeah. You fucking frugal bastard. and leave it there to guard it. stupid to have money and then you're gonna yeah I need a car and we're gonna I always told him. Duncan lives large. He's got a tangerine tree

1:22:46 have to have some sort of pesticides irrigation system right to flush water it to water it too Oh no, not dunking. Yeah. It feeds it. Yeah. It turns it into something Yeah. It was so good. It's nice to have. They're even better. and they don't make fruit anymore. Oh, it looks really cool. It's on the side of his house. farm bill game is weak well in in let's talk about this in in trying this thing where you've

1:27:00 Absolutely. How do you do it? Has it fucked the business at all? When I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was like, oh, it's 40404. Text a tweet. That was one of the big ones. They love that shit. Well, I'll just fucking pass it along. call it in but then proceed the citizen is cut and dry then. Oh, and she said no fucking way. And she was like, Jesus Christ.

1:30:59 So does girls shaving their vaginas. from their dick I'm sure you know they get it from somebody else's But that's good, right? live with that yeah you were half joking but like the idea of that I was Yeah, absolutely. I got home. I don't believe in I'm not 140, absolutely. I'm not editing shit. Unless you said something incriminating. Yeah, Joey fucking Diaz.

1:33:32 because i was like guys you're not chopping it was it was you can lose 30 seconds here a minute Thank you now. I just have a certain amount of minutes. That's what it is He picked up how to do it by doing his own stories over and over again You just talk? This is not happening playlist. But when you actually have to cooperate with other people and you have to have these conversations about the direction of the show, that's all a new thing for you.

1:36:10 But the thing is, paid regular, Can you change it? Right. Like, there's no fight, then use the one you want to use then. If you just explain to them. Right. And they're all cool about it. awesome to come out. Give them a plug. It's a really good time tomorrow night. Diaz, You debating anybody? I need to get permission from you to release that video of you disparaging our heroes.

1:38:18 That's the thing. Anybody who wants me to debate it, it's like, you know I'm going to Christopher Columbus and snipers. Yeah, you should give You guys are garbage. And it was a culmination of all the stuff he had wants to become a radio DJ who's doing podcasts. You got to know how to take it to an act break. Why are you going to make your pennies? He's too clever.

1:40:09 I don't think it stands for the stars. Giving people the opportunity, Tom Cotter. Tom Cotter, stand-up comic. that as an example of something good coming On Saturday night When's the last time he broke a real musician anymore? You're right, Stern. I want to be completely objective. Comedians, athletes, musicians, no one keeps up at the high level they perform at all the time.

1:42:09 He just did one with Kid Rock. Well, then he's a good interviewer still. I don't buy it, man. They had to force them into playing his birthday party And it's like, dude, fuck you. was that his enemies, but of course they should be able to say what they want. But please, what all of our friends have podcasts and we're always on all of our friends' podcasts.

1:44:38 It's like, hey, we all have successful podcasts. To be but when there was one morning show you know one guy got the morning shift I want to get more people to listen. Dude, that's going to happen to us too. You change. He's as funny as ever. Just crushing. comedians yeah you know it was it was it was excellent so there you go like there's some guys

1:47:07 I really regret not talking to him or not attempting to talk to him. 20 bucks? The date rape guy. Unless fucking the dead girls So asterisk prior and asterisk When I do, I feel bad about some of the things I did. but he played Cosby in a porn hey we're doing yeah I would like to hear Carl LeBeau tell his someone pulled off a sheet, one night at the comedy store.

1:50:04 or something like that, and I was in the back of the room And I'm so sorry if he gets offended at me telling a story. tell that someone's in the room he's like hello it's uh it's uh carla bowes here you know so and He was doing drugs with Sam Kinison. I saw things fall. It's 100% a comic fucking with you. He's decided to look no further. Ali Sadiq.

1:52:41 There's some good comedy out there. he's such a natural type dude everyone's like a scaffolding mountain. out there now. well it's like they put in the time put enough time in So I just sat there for like 45 minutes trying to come up with something good to do for him. You're holding a chihuahua? use words like that anymore. Big Jay is a homophobic word.

1:55:33 billboard being up on sunset boulevard giant 30-foot picture of my face staring down sunset No, Ari. It's not sexual to you. We're going to have to edit it out. He didn't want to be there. You're going to have PETA showing up at your shows before they show up at mine. They kill a lot of animals themselves. We went down to some store, some high-priced store in Beverly Hills,

1:57:30 out of them right in front of the that's so rude I'll eventually get swayed. I'll do this one for the money. You don't have to. the problem here's the difference there you were doing something which i assume correct me if i'm That I never did But I didn't change my stand up like a lot of yeah i bet you could have gotten a wider audience if you just started doing super

1:59:45 your uh publicity because you got fired for doing what you love to do yes then it's fine show and He, Maybe it's, when it's like they don't... Matlock? I know what it is. Other than the guy who invented the radio. in the past i mean not right now i mean as like he was one of the best if he had died 15 years ago Right. Athletes is the real big one. I can tell you on air.

2:02:25 Oh, so if you're on it while you're. their ass kicked or they're, it's a really brutal fight and they're worn out yeah you gave them cocaine like they they believe happened with But when he was on, he was an amazing fighter. And the question was, was there an illegal substance in that bottle, or was it just total coincidence that Aaron Pryor came out and destroyed him?

2:03:51 one of them, I believe his name was Billy Resto, And Louis Resto just fucked this kid up. and grabs his glove, and there's no padding in his gloves. He wasn't allowed. Cuz I could see that helping you actually yeah he fought Henry Cooper, who was this British gentleman, We got to change the gloves. K.O.'s Muhammad Ali. at the end of the month. Muhammad Ali.

2:06:55 And then Muhammad Ali sits down in between rounds. It's right at the bell. they want to highlight the good stuff but but in between rounds after Henry Cooper dropped him his corner bottom time And when he cut him, they wound up stopping the fight yeah the difference between fighting when you're on don't take it he's fully admitting all the time like yeah i smoke weed all the time

2:09:35 Listen. so they bought him all that time Yeah, it is interesting, man. days and stuff where it's like yeah you have three four or five losses so does That probably took some out of that. Maybe one haymaker try and that's it. Yeah, I mean, basically, he was like, I could have beaten Ali. And I did, but no one fucking ever knows it. Yeah. He didn't know where he was.

2:12:03 It's illegal. and then uh record longer I have that recorded. watch tyson in that video that was smashing all those guys he was just a different dude but there There's only a few boxing fights that I'll do that with. They used to have that. The boxing show? So they put together some, you know, pretty deep. Like it never really had any danger. But, you know, I want to watch a guy like Pacquiao that goes and fucks people up.

2:15:01 You got to make videos of you betting. Yeah, and film it with vice vice go there lady boy And with that note, ladies and gentlemen, So I was able to really get Whatever the fuck you want. They were like, I don't know you please put the whole bit in there and they were like yes thank you that's awesome yeah so He gives zero fucks. We'll see you soon.