Joe Rogan Experience #624 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 down. Have you been getting better? You nailed it. He's the guy that goes like, ignore these guys that are they're whistling at you and So we're at Tommy's house. You see those yellow tabs? She was like, let me read you a passage from your book. It's crazy. It's all basically don't smell bad. What? That's so ridiculous. It's crazy. And then we found his dating profile online.

2:50 And I read it in full on my podcast, his dating profile. I bet he's hilarious. is developed as their play to get laid. You know what I mean? Like everyone takes their, It looks like he spelled breath wrong, or Oh. and then I got while I was on your show. I've been waiting for this to take off and just picked up this week but Joey Diaz had snuck behind the stage

5:51 Crushed dude she crushed. She was she was strutting on stage with confidence. She's like all of a sudden people get it Yeah. and, like, I'm saying not, like, somebody who's developing, That is, like, amateur bowling night. That's what I do. the other bowler's like, look at this fucking loser. Yeah. thing is that even if i do get those like if I don't know

8:49 people that even if they write a lot and get on stage That is crazy. Yeah. That's something you realize as you get older That's a really common thing with comedians, They do the same goddamn material every goddamn week for years on end. And I was like, all right. he panicked that's what yeah he panicked yeah he panicked he didn't didn't feel comfortable

12:12 probably he probably started with one joke from the first set and then when that didn't like make Just too many disasters. Went well. it's like an hour. like, what should I, behind the camera who's circling his like will you wrap this shit up you're at five minutes and 10 foot deep. room. Just stop. But they did it anyway right so they did it and this guy was like directing things

15:11 They have to hear him clearly over the laughter. You tell Lenny where to zoom in then. Bang. This is not the one if you're gonna be at the Comedy Store to go back to clubs for specials. Yeah, that's true. I never did that. You'll lose your mind. Oh, Dangerfields in New York City. comedy store definitely has weird vibes in it there's a weird vibe to that place and danger

17:34 that literally didn't work anywhere else. His HBO comedy special with Kinnison. I've seen that one. and it's just perfect. It's a weird place, man. That's number one. you weak bitch. They're so nice. I came out to the green room, and they were mocking each other. Yeah. Loose with their dialogue? Yeah, they're great. Work at comedy clubs. or this and that and that and this.

21:02 You know where they have a fresh pair of shoes Green M&Ms, you fuck. I did a club where they had a PlayStation. I'm in the restaurant bar business. I mean, anybody. And I'm like, dude, I wish you would not have told me that. They almost despise clubs then. That's so stupid. And then he also does the clubs which is everything we would consider like I think it clubs like below

23:53 It doesn't have quite, it's over four. at a tv like a ufc and i did irvine last month i did a night that's a giant one i'm doing that Getting out of town sucks a fat dick if you live in Irvine. it's like leaving the house Yeah, yeah. Hey, why not, man? little bit like traffic gets worse and i left la hollywood at like it was like a eight o'clock show

26:16 Unless there's some sort of a natural disaster, wipe out of a certain percentage of the population right like for everything i mean that's very rocks above you. Yeah. Yeah. The Earth got hit by a you forgot about this, you got hit by a planet once. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. And then they're like, it's going to be North Korea. Like, fuck it. fucking that's so depressing to think about i would way rather die yeah way rather with the

29:39 You know they would. No, that's... It is cool. how, Like how hard life used to be. You get cold and you die. it's a hundred out and you walk in you're like everything's fine now like like it's it feels It's brutal. and you're like, I'm going to walk to the next one. It is a fucking brutal outside. Well, I know that Eskimos, or you're supposed to call them Inuits, their hands have adapted to deal with the cold.

33:17 It was pretty fascinating. These guys are, like, barely drinking water. And in November, sometimes in Florida, it'll get all the way down to the 50s You adapt to the new temperature. Yeah. The life-giving water. Let's shut it down. complaint to have people weird man they're weird they'll complain about It's always something. And Joey walks over one time.

36:43 are you guys doing shows? Especially right when we land at the airport. that time that'd make me look fat yeah he's quite a character man of complaining i'll just be like oh i'm just complaining i'm complaining as a distraction That, that shit, you can't be around. She would complain about everything. That shit almost isn't annoying. You know I think what he's doing now is just trying to establish himself like no. He's a crook

39:52 So it's like one of those things. The real problem with patchouli is the people who wear patchouli. And so these mice would associate the citrus smell with getting zapped. You smell them, you're like, you're a bad person, I don't like you. Honestly, I couldn't even picture it right now. That's like worse than B.O. When I'm fucking guys, I don't mind a little BO.

41:38 My BO. these guys because every boston has like just nothing but apartments and nothing but all day to not get these dudes or any guys like them in your car it's always that's almost always dudes but I remember we had to go to the teacher's office. hands and be friends i realized like oh this poor fucking guy man he smells bad and he's got a burnt Yeah.

44:26 or if he was scared to bathe, Like you remember like how good something smelled somewhere or something, You remember it. like well you're lazy too i don't think you clean your litter box every day. No, no, I didn't do it Why don't you do one of those topless maids that they have? There's a few different companies, but the one I did, there's a van parked down my street,

45:49 And, like, I didn't think, like, oh, wait, I have to watch them clean. Or are they doing a bad job? This was an older woman. It was really fucked up With a fucked up parent She's like, mom, The mom was a little overweight, I just like the kitchen living room. I only had them clean the kitchen living room in the I would give them extra money Attractive?

48:10 And I would, like, just kind of walk in and just be like, oh, what's going on in here? Cuz they're so they weren't very appealing and it was sad that I think was like a one-time thing That's what I'm saying. Because then you would get in the way in your little narrow hallway Have you heard about this movie, The Jinx, this show on HBO? Durst who is part of

50:15 And basically in the late 70s, early 80s, his wife Kathleen disappeared. And she was set to talk to investigators when they reopened the case this time in the, I would say, So it was like kind of the second person involved or close to Robert Durst who died. they think that over the years she's collected much more than that so it like her dad's role in things and all these people so they say you know oh

53:48 who was just like this old curmudgeon II guy and basically fast forward in the Galveston Bay a fisherman finds a floating bag and it has an arm and then And then he went on the run. Then he gets charged with murder. He's killed three people, yeah. So they opened up this case? In the interviews on the craziest part in the interviews the Galveston story. I think Brian

56:46 I don't know. And in that movie, does he chop the guy up? What the fuck, man? It's also, when you think about this guy, he's, how old is he now, like 70? Do you have his age? So he's born in the 40s. 1876 for fingerprints either way 1892 1892 but bam. Either way, I think that those people that grew up then, they had a different sense of what you get away with.

59:12 lot of money so yeah we're gonna we're gonna pay for it peeling off them he wanted to be he wanted nobody to notice him because he knew the that investigation had just this is the best defense lawyer in Texas, Jesus. Imagine if that was your mama. Any of y'all in the jury have a grandma that you love dearly and you don't want some hooligan fucking her?

1:01:35 They'd have to say the guy was trying to kill him. I need to hear what, like, what the hell could this be? He's like, oh, shit, shit, thank God. He walks out and fucking gang signs the cameras on the way out. Oh, no. pulls up yeah apparently they were filming the um there's bone nwa film yeah so this dude shows up This is hard to watch. Really? Possible gun and sticks it in his back.

1:03:50 This guy ran up to him. That's hard to watch. Yeah, that's true. They just put it on, Yeah. He's like a real live gangster. the comedy store, He just striked one person last time. And you go, really? That's like a movie. His favorite quote of mine is that, like, after it was all said and done, he said, all Salami. Or somebody killed his adversary. You definitely think it was Putin's idea to kill that guy.

1:07:47 Yeah. they just came in and took this guy's business put him in jail and that's what Yeah, we don't really, we don't comprehend that, that feeling. But it's nowhere near the scale that it is right now. That reminds me, like, I mean, I had a lot of Cuban friends Yeah. Imagine if he, that he's like, Are we going to do something about this? Thank you.

1:11:31 He's the head of the Russian version of the CIA. damon had said about sar Sarah Palin that was hilarious What you're doing to America is just wrong. No, not like Obama Obama like has a wide open laughy smile There's people that are all in for sure. to uh they like to bait them so they put like ads online and a guy poses that like i want to meet of progress with gay, you know, gay rights, especially in the last 10 years. So when

1:15:35 so but that is like thriving and huge in russia not just thriving but they're they're making laws and you want to be like yeah of course but it's a scary thing in a in a in an environment like that with like a whip thing. Really? Yeah, they have a scene with the guy who's basically playing Putin on the show. From the beginning. You're roped in. The cops come over and mace them, and then they beat the shit out of them.

1:18:13 a cameraman too they don't give a fuck This is like total thug shit. but you can't kick them and whip them like that. and the guy got gestured and then he took a baton and just smashed the whole window open straight up snagged that shit back from what is the ukraine right and um huge dispute over it That's like if we got rid of Texas. Give us that shit back. We're going to take it back. No, that's ours. Give us that shit back.

1:20:52 all kinds of places back. you always have the nuclear threat in the back of your mind. Shit, but if they say we got a bad deal with Alaska we want that shit It's like old school, you know, colonial type shit. This current design of human being that we're using. you yeah billions to you yeah make more awesome shit make it go around the world in one second. Can you do that? Make a gun that does

1:23:00 I don't know how far it lasts, Dude, that's from a mile away. We love your laser. You guys want to buy some stock? That's the first fucking thing it shows you. And they're going to set those things up in space. Got to wonder if we're going to be able to keep it together. number one goal a lot of times Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It's a trick question.

1:25:43 You know that yesterday I sat next to Serena Williams on my flight. Wow, that's right. No. if not most dominant female athlete of this generation. In that mix? That's interesting. Right. know a lot of female tennis players you know their decline have like they they She ran into her safe room. Yeah. I thought you were a murderer. Yeah, that is hilarious.

1:28:29 Yeah. yes yeah i remember being on this show uh a few years ago before you know he got he admitted and That was his big thing. Did you ever take anything that enhances your performance? It's rampant. got a long history in martial arts. He's actually fought himself. He's competed. He's been a martial artist for a long stretch of his life. know how much they paid for it and he didn't want to talk about it but what he does what did say

1:30:57 But, I mean, there's been so many people that have been caught in the UFC over the past Yeah. Never end. Yeah. I mean, bath salts like you put in the bath. It's all Epsom salt, too, but it doesn't get hot. And you do the cryo thing, too, right? You got a trainer that loves Jesus. he needs to know some shit. He's a good trainer. I'm out of there. Like some of them will download about their love life like they have

1:34:06 Jesus Christ, you got to get out of there. just move on because that's how it, that part of the conversation dies. And then it shifts to is like if you if you ask Jesus for help he'll give it to you. And I was just like, I just want to know how many reps I should do on Friday. Black guy or white guy? I met a bunch of them that are nice guys. Very nice guy.

1:36:25 Yeah. Right. exactly like that. You know, if we take a 10 minute car ride, she's like, let's play the rosary. Like, you know, Our Father and then 10 Hail Marys and then another Our Father and then 10 Hail Marys. if I tell her did you thank God really hot Puerto Rican girl who wore glasses. She was really, she was really sexy. And, uh, And they're like, oh no, what happened?

1:39:24 Oh no. And then I just started like, oh, praise God. I went, Huh! All of them? Oh, no! gear come back out? Like, why would he just how we feel about the Lord because a lot of people they just don't have exposure to the Lord I was Yeah. like oh we started talking about the book and then we started talking about You think they all will go to hell? And I'm here to tell you that if you don't listen

1:42:06 When you take it there, it's like, all right, let's be done with this. And the demons are shoving, like, pitchforks up people's asses. Dude, those are demons. I don't even know if that's the only one. I accept. It does make no sense. That's what you always get. If he hadn't been on the phone standing next to whom I believe was his daughter, little selfie rumble i wouldn't do that to Neon Dion. That's beautiful.

1:44:36 You have live shows, which I still have to see because I keep hearing amazing things about them. One of them was Black or Tom. What do they say? i think people really know intent i think people really gauge oh that's hilarious are you online Right. Talk about shouting black at black people and trying to trick them. Absolutely. knows that you love to be silly.

1:47:05 You're not just funny people that happen to be married to each other. You watch Pimps Up, Hoes Down. black people don't talk like that, right? Right. Whoa. and if also someone's secure yeah they're they're not gonna worry like what are you saying we're all If you were black, you could do it with no problem. trousers are in the yard yeah but if he was black yeah still nobody would care true like black people

1:50:37 angle on it if you're just like you know fucking these people are just dumb like that's going to Like, anyone can mock a famous person, but but the famous person mocks a regular person like what if kim kardashian The mentions under a Kim Kardashian tweet. LOL. Thank you for giving me another reason to hate your fucking retarded stupid ass like like just saying evil shit

1:52:17 Yeah, people that would never defend her in a million years would go crazy. Yeah, she attacks someone on the internet Just block them? you don't even yeah but then you know they'll interact with you again like you why would I bother? You might have a point. thoughtful people. But the cunts, just don't bother. He's texting me. Right. really sweet guy sure Sure. Super nice.

1:55:33 But they don't get that experience, If you have 100,000 people view a tweet, section of all the fish that are in the ocean if you does in that area yeah you're gonna get But if you're just. and you want to attack her, but she's still her. And you don't feel better. Well, it's just people that don't understand what's going on, The weird thing is kids today, they're also going to be responsible for things.

1:58:02 you the photos are less of an issue for people than the comments like if you write some shit oh you write mean shit oh yeah there's been Nothing. San Diego man with no criminal record faces life in prison for flashing gang signs on Facebook. and they're throwing gang signs. Me and my family have been living in the southeast community, specifically the Lincoln Park community, since the mid-50s. I've had multiple jobs, no criminal record, but the police continuously stop us. And it's not specifically on driving.

2:00:29 within 100 feet of turning. He pulls up. member and because I'm documented as a gang member the San Diego Police it is you need to use his voice for Tom or Black. Really? And the comparison to the white stats, statistically, it's one of the most damning reports you'll ever see. Its report detailed how Ferguson operated a vertically integrated system

2:04:20 stats cheese every time a dog has bitten a person in Ferguson since the report was put together, Quit crying then. should have to behave exactly the same way without any consideration Do you want to hear some of these stats? That's, I mean... That's what they're saying. of manner of walking charges. 99.9% Really a law you're not allowed to walk a certain way manner of manner of walking

2:07:52 Jamie, Google It's not real. They're already going up on sidewalks. Wouldn't you assume? He said he was in fear of his life, right? I don't like how they wrote blacks. No, this is Ferguson. your name? Got any warrants? and people, because, you know, people were like, come on. Unless you're doing something wrong, That happened to me the other day, though.

2:10:42 Police just came up. had my book bag. and it was all my, I just took out my phone and just go, why are you making me? Of course. I just don't want to be rude. Oh, no, that's video of you two arguing about American Sniper? Yeah, of course. Of course. Here's the truth. That's entirely true. To our 17 minute movie and then at the're like, he was killed that day in writing?

2:12:39 Because you're seeing how hard it is to become a SEAL. That's beautiful. Miss Pat, but she was hanging, which was cool. But on stage, Joey, Burr, Ari, and myself. Yeah, everybody did 25 minutes somewhere around, man. You and I are on the same episode. You stay up. It's not 4 o'clock in the morning the next day. Yeah, that's Thursday night. Passive Aggressive.

2:15:18 It airs occasionally. He's so confident now. podcast yesterday shitting on Howard Stern telling him and Clint Eastwood to go suck their old old Wow. what's that do you think this though is that or do you think this is just him and an old man being out of touch? Exactly. I haven't seen it, but everyone tells me it's the shittiest movie ever. Have you seen it?

2:17:24 We'll see it during the day and we'll come in i definitely can see I can see you not liking different things about it. What do you think was better, that or Lone Survivor? the whole film. I was like, I don't want to see this. I thought Lone Surviv. I, you know, the billboard never did anything. I was like, like won against everybody. it's fucking midnight,

2:18:57 main i mean my argument with art which you'll see like we argue too about like how cooper did as far That's not what I heard. Really? Yeah. Oh, really? The story that the guy wrote that was there, the guy who apparently was there on the raid who wrote fucking let's let's juice this story up yeah let's add some stuff to this let's's throw some controversial shit in there that's going to guarantee that people are going to talk about it.

2:20:58 That's what I thought. And he's actually made a Twitter post about it yesterday. on the planet no one says that added moments to dramatize, You know what I mean? He's played by Gandolfini in Zero Dark Thirty. that's the only accurate part of that movie. Yeah. You expect like, oh, it's based on a true story. You know, that really, this guy really did this. And then you find out, nope things and they hear about them from a movie yeah you expect like oh it's based on a true story you know that really this guy really did this and then you find out nope

2:24:08 that's been trying everything along that I'm working on and So add all these elements to it. all over everything. Like, hey Tom, And we're going to have meetings every week. it yeah you can't give it up we're so spoiled so yeah you get you really get to do whatever you This place, Almost every show sold out. Yeah Yeah Because like Like what fucking studio executive was sign off on black or Tom?

2:27:07 So, hey, went well. I mean, I'm going to show you some tweets. And he was like, ah, okay. And he's like, okay, Can you imagine if he said that? I was like, it's not really that crazy. Yeah. Shock. Yeah. That's what's the most funny thing about Howard saying clubs are going there's no more radio I'm not saying all radio is a waste of time, where they talked about how they had a deal with this radio station

2:30:38 And I was like, well, you have to buy ads, huh? like great like it's not you know the problem with the radio is just getting up Yeah, that could get bad. Eliza Schlesinger I don't remember the exact way the joke went, but it was a classic example. But it's just highlighting It's high tech. Oh, yeah. an asshole face I feel like the goal of doing stand-up long enough and like the

2:33:08 They pulled him off the show. You're losers. Super nice guys. I don't know He might dose you. Yeah, I haven't done it. Virginia Beach Funny Bone. All of it available Ice House tomorrow night is sold the fuck Much love.