Joe Rogan Experience #627 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Let me tell you something, you know how bad to the bone that dude is? or people go off about certain artists. The singer from REO Speedwagon with the needle shoulders. But if you know anything about Tom Petty, He's from like Jacksonville. If you go online, That dude. Tom Petty guitar lessons. A lot of else from that area. I don't know who it is I know for a fact I can't lose this argument.

2:54 Remember he had that video with the dude from the Pirates of the Caribbean? that's seven that's 17 that's 32 years i know and he's still around and he's still around A lot of people went down to Florida to go on the lam. There was nothing to do. that was in the set. and it's just swatting bugs and sweating. No, that Miami. You were telling me once, and then somebody was telling me in Fort Lauderdale one time,

5:49 So as the water level rises, there's going to be no way to stop it. Miami's not going to be here in 100 years. She goes, I didn't like it there. I mean a lady swam it she swam it. I mean, what the fuck, man? I mean, you could probably... down so you don't leave at six because the high tide... Anderson Silva's on top of you, ground and pounding. You got to keep the raft light.

8:02 like, your conversation about the fucking show last night, He started cannibalizing his He had a nervous breakdown. That's that generation. Jesus Christ. going, Joey, it all the pay it's not you You have to look at the map and we could really- A tide map. There's such things as tide maps I guarantee there's some type of problem. So that's it right there.

11:10 And you can't drink the salt water, correct? Look at that fucking... and the United States It's so big. China. Good Lord. Because in my mind, the exorcist was there. You know. Sudan, they're fucking up. Egypt, they're fucking up. Ethiopia, they're smoking hash Tunisia who fucking knows Libya they're fucking up you know Sudan That's the most corrupt city.

13:47 Dumb fucking crazy motherfuckers that are out there. And it was killing all their fish. And these people were starving. So they started kidnapping Just... they're scary they're wild man they come after people going on a ship around anywhere That's crazy. makes sense fucking totally makes sense That's why they would be so The video I seen, there wasn't one fat

16:34 These guys don't give a fuck. You grow up in that world? It's 2015. we're not much different than them. that's like a Mad Max movie. Aren't the cannibals there also? He would take off all his fucking clothes and go into combat with a machine gun. absolve him from all the people he's killed who the same guy the country of whatever country he's like this is going on right now.

19:03 And people are like, It's not just a little different. So when a guy says something like I found God now now I found Jesus that actually means something to them Very, very similar. I ever saw out of line Like in 1980 I went to the Bronx to get drugs. That's the worst I saw. Robbed, about Ken Norton and Muhammad Ali, They couldn't get all the cops in there. had blocked they did it perfectly they blocked cars and shit so no

21:54 Well, there's so many people. is like you know i'm like all right i got through Harlem. I'm like, I want to see what this is like. It was still kind of a freaky spot. Well, there's some sort of a garbage strike. place is crazy you know from 16 from 15 to 22 that was my backyard really my backyard was from and that was horrible. And people come in, they say,

25:14 And the summers, I would have a couple different jobs. you have to take $32 and dump it off to a different bank Rican lottery. people that have the dream the next time you go to 7-eleven and you go get where you want Give me the number before 31, Joe. 557 $10 $5,000 for dinner another time I hit it on my birthday 219 In those days, weed stores were health food stores.

28:21 The health food store. You'd take it, give them the $30, and you'd ask permission, I probably had I threw away the ID. blast they let me go in fact the cop took weed out of my bag, put it on the floor, and said, now it's nine grams. Quick. Quick. They're getting robbed already. your fingerprint. And the idea is that And so they have your fingerprint.

31:04 When I was a kid, PAL. And this was their job to get away from their wives. You kept the bullet. Mr. Marino took us to fucking Detroit We didn't even get to play a game. So maybe that's how they got my fingerprint. They had, you know, sodas and shit like that, activities. It's dirty. We'll put masks on me and Didi can Tara and when he comes out because in Jersey you pay the gas guy

33:32 Freddie's wife looked like Honey Boo Boo's mother. She was the only black girl in the neighborhood, black Marlowe. Something had happened. with a bikini on that you fucking like, Let's wait until about midnight when he's got a grand on him. And across the street was one of the biggest strip clubs on the East Coast. And we took his little purse and we ran away.

35:51 Then he came back to us. That was it we need them neon belly. I didn't know what it was no video back then either today that every time, He goes, I was eating dinner with my family. All I could do was tackle him. If you're not going to kick study Freddy, They have dreams. The old school Sicilians are very superstitious with the eyes. sad one, but it's so,

38:31 The kids I grew up with had blonde hair and blue eyes, which really puts it in doubt. And that's why Sicilians are very sensitive when it comes to the issue of rape. The Moors are who? to a successful rebellion on the island of Sicily The rebels. That's a fucked-up country. That's like Cuba was so crazy man my grandmother went to grandmother was so crazy, man.

40:56 She's with Aunt Marie. The monkey lived in the attic It didn't try to eat it. garden my grandfather always had he always had a big fucking fenced-in garden in his back. It was fucking sensational. It's very different in the way Italians make it. and they'd be cooking. You'd hear the crackling put that lid right back on and walk away she knew when it was done and you would have this

43:58 I love pasta fazool, that spinach. Because my family always say pasta fazool. It's something else. If you go to Whole Foods, it's completely See, Italians are very poor. Holy shit was it good. And on the way home, you'd be inhaling bread and fucking Zeppelis, would go to Hoboken and pick up cannolis. We're going to move to, you know, Jersey City. They were fucking around.

47:12 Oh, yeah. Good googly moogly. and a meatball and the place has been under the same family's ownership since the 1800s was born in Ireland. My grandmother They're different kinds of human beings than we are today. They didn't even have a video of what the ago, and we all moved to a neighborhood. Rogan. He goes, they live nine to one apartment, In a way, yeah.

51:08 and they show people, like, kissing in the streets, japanese dudes were flying planes into fucking boats they attacked pearl harbor they gave they They saw TV for the first time when there was no TV before them no one had ever had TV before when people returned home They didn't give a fuck, right? It was all the hippies. he's repeating something that someone else had made.

53:28 They're in cahoots. when you see that celebration, That shit doesn't happen now. They were worried about their health. That little stupid ass TV. So he had a switch TV the stereo and then the speakers were over here, They would put a smaller TV on top of it. They love their baseball. But I also remember the fights I saw at her bar. I still remember.

57:12 Oh, my God. Idiot savant? He went around in the daytime And his philosophy is he got you with as many doctors as he could. $100,000, $200,000. to go to all those doctors every day and take the treatment and the doctors have to give you It was like time stopped. 86? Yeah. Remember, The Simpsons looked all weird and they all looked messed up. It was good fights, but they went the distance.

1:01:04 because you didn't know what you were going to karate championships Fuck yeah. We start by throwing grapes in his mouth. Are you fucking crazy? Let's just try a regular gun. When you're trying to really push the limits, you've got a lot of variables involved. What? You really think that's what it is? 80, 90, it's 42 years in. After Bruce Lee died, Raymond Chow really fucking blew up.

1:04:25 They gave him a cut of the action some way or another. Where's that doctor today? Who knows how much of this is bullshit? Both the ones I told you. caused by an acute cerebral edema when he went to Madame Chu's fucking house. He was making them a lot of fucking money. Ibuprofen. No. What's it really do When you take it, what's Advil? Bruce Lee used to eat hash after fucking working out to reduce the thing.

1:07:18 We got it like two days later that he died. His preliminary opinion, this is really interesting, This is how you know it's bullshit. His was good, but he used to have these reduce everything I wouldn't even feel it bent over rows nothing my back hash Like he would go away and you'd have to say, Joe, Joe, Joe. taking since 1968 for ruptured disc so he was taking that the ruptured disc shit for a long

1:09:58 This fucking guy went into, listen They brought heroin in for years. They got sick and tired of the Chinese They're still out there Fuck no. if you somehow or another fucked them out of money. We're sitting around 20 fucking Puerto Rican kids with robes on And he was a little meaner type of guy, so they didn't play it at Children's Hours. eight dig it bam bam bam right here what do you do when you're right you lose fuck buffy

1:13:33 This was the trailer. in his ear on the phone Attack them He does a move in that movie, Doug, that is so sensational. back then. Even the Chinese fucking people I don't know. Enter the Dragon. That's that's sensational. Yeah, see if you can find Chuck Norris versus Bruce Lee came on HBO and my head almost The Groove Tube is Saturday Night Live before Saturday Night Live.

1:16:30 and then you don't like wrestling, Every immigrant had a hero. They're both warming up. You gotta see all four. Forget the really fascinating i've never seen a movie that i recall where two guys warmed up like this before Everybody warms up. Bam, bam, bam. No ground and pound. Really? There's a Soo Bak Do that they all started together, but he went the other way.

1:19:52 You understand me? Hold up. This is hilarious It probably shot this in Laurel Canyon. That's Laurel Canyon Nobody had ever seen anything like this before back then. that was like the big thing about him is that he never fought. The way he checks with that oblique kick, the way he counters when you're moving in, there you go who the fuck you think you're dealing with i'm giving you armor his leg

1:23:28 This is a great scene, dog. He's trying to throw kicks. What the fuck? He killed him with a guillotine. First time ever. Back it up just so here. it's hard to finish that one man it's very hard to You know, he wrote all these, though. They sent me to the Santeria priest. Oh, did he? He puts his gi back on top. And his belt. puts it back on top of him. Oh, did he?

1:25:54 This is not good. Watch the trailer to the mechanic. A lot more believable back then. Charles Bronson James? You know, he was 50 when they made this movie. I propose a toast to the best man I know. Me. Take it. Every punch has the exact same sound effect. It's like wood clapping together or something like that. I remember this movie. But when they showed some of the fight footage,

1:30:23 What year was that? great documentary it's um it's just weird when you get like you start mixing things like you're that he presses some fake ass shit. Yeah, it just makes me not want to watch it no more. and you're supposed to go along with it, I think it was a studio audience. He figured out how to do it. He used to always do his own, for his website, he used to always do his own stuff, like videos.

1:33:37 dis a that's right yeah he's uh he's done a bunch of different things man he's a creative dude What a shame. sometimes that original whatever would be funny about the original thing just doesn't come out You rehearse Thursday morning and Thursday afternoon but they'll come back and say, I'm handling this from A to Z. You've got to say something else, and the show sucks.

1:36:51 wherever they went to fucking do. with his fucking craziness in his mind. And then you come in there. Yeah, all right watch this BAM and it works again. What's the line here? school of thought. The guys are the writers, You get two guys that know what the fuck they're writing It's hard to do. They all came up together. Premises. Probably will give you a good idea. Premises.

1:39:41 30 minutes in. Nick put and it works but somebody in there has to be structured i'm funny joe rogan i know how to turn that into a sitcom, Mike Epps, who I love. The guy has to be naturally crazy to sell this. That's been done. who they tackle those subjects. They go to India have died over the last couple of years. Wide world of sports. But check it out.

1:42:58 The triads killed him. I used to believe it, but the more I watch and learn about Kurt, I love how America gets always, whenever they find recordings in the safe. Tupac, did you hear that shit? There's a lot of young kids that don't even know what and you're doing it. How many times a week What time is it? but I had some shit you see ari our boy ari shafir this friday he not only had his uh special but it was also followed

1:45:19 And his billboards everywhere of him. He just mocks people. I can't believe that he talked about it for 25 minutes. saying that Ari's, like, doing a stand-up into a podcast, is just having a good time, and you're trying to figure out what story to tell and how to say it to another comic who's trying to figure out how to do it. What's good about standup and what's

1:47:53 You got to understand how clever that dude was. It's some gangster shit. accomplishments and in his mind he can't lose but he i think he trolls he's just too smart it's not And people that most people have never heard of, you you know outside of the stand-up comedy and podcast probably has led him to a lot of his 100%. to this whole Howard Stern podcast thing.

1:50:21 just put up an episode, Sirius probably doesn't even know. He's he's Howard Stern like you got it like what is his numbers Jesus Christ? 100%. you know, people listen to that show in their car. That's what the Stern show has always And you can just stream it from... that he did today, on our phone. going to be appealing. People love to have it be a podcast too and this the the networks like the

1:53:31 I rented one when I was in Utah. It's got a built-in internet connection. You're gonna have podcast apps for all those things. Big John McCarthy. He trolled Ari, and with all these TV shows and flying from So what is he going to do? My my car is it built in when I bought it. It's in it was on I started watch. It's right away I think everyone has it in their cars, but like

1:56:19 Disco final studio 54 classic vinyl I like it. I know does oh yeah, but think about your crowd you're hanging out with a bunch of young comics it's programming you put ten stations i got ten stations in there all of them are throwing heat because there's Spotify and just because there's the you there's a lot of extra $10 a month for every single day you get something

1:58:58 Rush limbo and all that fuck shit, you know, my wife is as white as they fucking come I get in the car I got in the car this morning. I can't. Lunchtime, everything ends Whatever, whatever. This is when he was with Bernie Taupo. I forget what the fuck they said. Not these little guys jumping up and down at that place in Santa Monica. fuck alone. Let's find

2:00:55 That's what you're giving me. No, I'm just saying that the future Serious? and so does Pandora has radio stations. dollar company. He probably wouldn't do it because he owns stock. their fucking numbers would drop off substantially. it could be just like a phone Some guy's going to fucking kill his wife by disabling her brakes. What stereo would I buy?

2:03:43 Huh? I connected a cassette to it This is way before Bose. Thank you. and never let up where we're at with our phones didn't they say too when he died they found meth in his system Friends believe that and that he was scared Maybe. I don't know how hard you've got to I mean, this guy was fucking with generals. them down. Well, that guy might as well just be the enemy. You're trying to remove one of the most

2:07:38 see if there's a like there's a consensus on that because i think you could do it it's a computer Okay? or my car doors through an app. there was clark added i think whoever did it would probably get away with it oh good lord Report at the end of the month. So don't open the fucking app. poltergeist in your house. You know, That's it everything else got nothing. I got a blood pressure thing

2:10:56 I take it with me on the road. I go, here, put this on there. I do it from the house where there's no misunderstandings. I'm almost done here. yeah i can't see tweets on my phone unless there's a lot of light you know no those days are done And one of the things she was saying is that all different distances, After 44, it just ate it, ate it, ate it up.

2:13:21 and focus on some things that are close. My main email, I like to get it. I read what's important. and you find out about something you would never have found out about. Or where's something? Ari says Well, that's how you eliminate the text messages. I don't want to send nobody pictures. That was fun. 2005. Sad. Buffalo's always rocks. Maybe. That's what it's become in Portland.

2:16:33 All those heliums. The other place where you do have ranch dressing? It's red. It's delicious. I don't know what kind of cheese the cheeseburger see those fucking grilled jalapenos and good god it was good fucking Stand-up is amazing there. The Riddler lives here. That's Cleveland Indians. It glows. a million or something, right? How many people? Thank you.

2:19:58 Floyd J. Phillips. That club, five days a day, you want to shoot yourself. His mother. They still got guys that play the trumpet on stage One week a year. He had a club in fucking whatever that was popular, but the beauty is I got in with the waitress. Hey, Joey D is here. Thursday night was Olympia. And Saturday night, he'd still pay me the $550. And he would ask me on Monday, When was the last time you were there?

2:23:24 But here's where it gets better. I was featuring for him. They gave him a check and hit him up in me. He got shot down in Vietnam. His mind was gone. That club is in the U District. it all started. Well, there's a large Chinese immigrant He went to the hospital, and that's when he wrote the Tower of Jeet Kune Do. That's the story they kicked him in the spine. He went to the hospital.

2:25:19 Once you put money in their pocket, they keep you alive. There wasn't a trial. Who gets the estate? Listen, guys, I'm 52 years old. She had no titties. She wouldn't give me pussy, Sexual, you know. It killed me. And you had to carry a gi. You couldn't fucking talk. Rashad's father you saw Here you were with a white fucking geek running down Amsterdam Avenue and shit.

2:29:09 hey, man, what happened with you and that Brazilian guy? A very funny man. Rassan Orin. He's not a Brazilian. He's an American actor slash comedian. A very funny man. Nicky Swanson. I need to go to the route three fucking driving. That's why I saw into the dragon Here's the fact that really kills America. What does it mean? That was the weird part of it.

2:31:34 Go ahead and click that click that fucking video. See what he tells you the fucking true story. Look at that shit This is just fucking around, man. Just in t-shirts. look at that one Instead of having to watch this horrible movie That wasn't common. Like, no one ever looked like this before. And that death photo wasn't even in it. Yeah, they're trying to confuse

2:34:54 She'd come in like, what the fuck is this incense? your hands. Iron palm? I fucking was hands and you hit a bag before you strike something ah and it really yeah it's that That was always the fucking by the way. Coco Bolo, Noon Chucks. I would save all my money. You know, I used to go to class. go to my house and go to Mario Diaz's disqualified. But I always

2:37:42 That's it. What belt were you back then? belt also so that's when you were doing these forms Yeah, do you think you remember those? You know, one time in Union City, they had a huge Russian judo school. does this video have? whose is this? and shit like that. I take my shit back from the fucking fucking Brazil this weekend, you understand me? That's some Muay Thai shit, you understand?

2:40:43 Why don't you do these again? You're too old? Grownups 4. The next six months of my life were a disaster. It's great for people, man. Yeah, I finally saw it. Pettis versus Dos Anjos, but I couldn't say it. People are going to think I'm crazy. Did you see the fight? Yeah, I finally saw it. It was a pretty good performance, man. You know, a lot of people said that after the fight about Dos Anjos.

2:42:29 And Dos Anjos was just attacking from the very beginning of the fight in the stand-up. So, I just, I didn't you down, man. That was some great fights in that Dosanen just smashed him with that kick over and over again and smashed him with fucking name is. Habib Nurmagomedov. Habib, that it gets hard and it spills all over. easier. Jacare is you nobody fucks up Jack

2:44:50 Well, he's been injured. Let's see what he did to Yushin Okami. Nobody. They get a little success. I believe it. You're not going to stop them for a while till they overthink themselves But something you did. But no, no, he put the pieces together after 10 years. He was did, though. He got better once he started sparring again, really. But no, no, he put the pieces

2:46:59 He's a real mature professional athlete animal. You know, he's a totally different I was impressed. You wouldn't even stand up with him. or the Martin Kampman one, they go flying too, and he comes after you man That's going to be fucking crazy. I don't know, That's the big Vegas card. Which one is that? It's a big one. That's all you have. They're gonna

2:49:59 Vegas is gonna look like Ireland Oh, my God. know what i'm saying you gotta spit yourself. It's interesting when this is happening, too, like what time in their career. Who knows what the fuck's going to happen in that fight? he got a lot better since then, Rory got a lot better, Robbie got better since then, they both got better, Robbie being the champ now, he's going to really have, like, he's going to have a pretty

2:52:08 listened to the one that I did with him. It's one of my favorite some sort of a psycho, it's like, well, I guess Yeah, Eddie Bravo Invitational I'll be tweeting it. If you're into jiu-jitsu, this is the one for you cocksuckers. I'm in town. I go to San Diego Talk about it. Pump it up. So you're in town for a few weeks? I'm in town. I put them up today because I finally got everything together.

2:53:56 It's me and Ari Shafir. Is it a different time? If you have DirecTV, it'll be on East Coast Love you too, bud. Later.