Joe Rogan Experience #63 — Russell Peters Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Brian with the strange music always. Spoon. It was like Nickelback to them. If you go to joerogan.net I don't, you know, And if you go to JoeRogan.net and you type in the password is Rogan. Two years ago I got on Twitter. you are you up on the WikiLeaks, man? Have you ever been to Wikipedia? and he thought that this was all Rape, rape, rape. And in Sweden, if you're having sex with someone

4:06 which you ordinarily wouldn't. They're always very dumb-looking. People shouldn't be ashamed of sex. shit. You shouldn't be able to cry rape. It's like buyer's remorse. Yeah, you're raping someone of freedom I would get in so much trouble if I was involved in that country at all. Let's be honest. Because he wanted to be the man so he can get some pussy.

6:27 And if the best shit you got Just because you make They hold beer, I was just joking. These are just jokes, man. It's like they're not revealing all of the details, but no one is saying that it's like he took them into an alley and pulled their pants down and punched them in the head and fucked them. now are we going to say that well this stuff came out and you guys knew it was top secret so you

8:15 It's unedited. What the fuck is, what's going on? Why are all these bees dying? Here's one of the things Wow. this guy was getting arrested for for sex without a condom i was like what what is in these fucking Step in, please. And they don't want to be responsible for their actions. Because the reason why they got there in the first place is because they got all these fucking special interest groups paying for their multi, multi, multi-million dollar campaigns.

10:50 There's no way you should be able to spend a billion dollars to get a job that pays $500,000 and not have everybody go, what are you doing? What do you got to do? That's nonsense. Really? Fuck you. It seems like most of it that's gotten out, these princes and... Why do they keep World Grappling Championships, and he also You know, like those guys, like when you get to that level of money, man, people would be surprised that you would find some guy who's a prince in Saudi Arabia and he's got some hookers.

13:12 He sits around, right, and he watches, like, Playboy magazine and reads Playboy magazine, And there was one of them who was a penthouse pet or something like that. They have their own club. They have this gigantic, insane ballroom You can't hate that. gonna let me fuck you you know i got money son you know super mario brothers was all about an That's how you pimp.

15:27 get tables really mix scratchmeister And all you've got to do is keep your pitch at the same level what do you want to hear? And then I just start playing shit. so john rollo takes me backstage i meet him and this. And this is what Tommy Lee does at the end of every show. Apparently, people who DJ just fucking love DJing. I could sit there and do it all day.

17:30 That makes me want to try it. When I'm doing the UFC, I'm always excited to I'm like I'm never like when I'm doing the then yeah you don't want people talking right right right because you get in the zone and you're like Do you do all this stuff, man? That guy is the Art Garfunkel of rap music. Don't do that again, Brian. I mean, in the DJ world, he's highly understated.

20:01 you don't think there's some weird thing him mixing like i saw him mix like golden girls the other day or something ridiculous. I like doing crazy shit. Like I took this record in this record and came up with this mix. Wow. they'll have like 15 seconds of a great song and just start getting into it. Right. the skills of the DJ That's a tough call. Man, I...

22:28 And he was talking about know nothing about music No. wouldn't even put DJ in front of his name. It was this insane So it's basically And you're not even trying to pretend that you're good at it. and they throw you off. And you just play off the rhythm, that might be one, a funny show. And then people try to hack you, throw you off. DJ Hero? do you play video games at all?

24:22 to create it right? Tiesto Buttholes. hire him to dj parties and there's a video of him on youtube where his his shit just canceled on him I still use Serato But you don't have records You're cutting up MP3 files. and the MP3 is playing, slow record noise. called Itch. Tiesto versus? Juggalos. Juggalos snuck up on me, man? Juggalos. I remember them.

27:40 And that's what happened with the Insane Clown Posse. He's not doing anything. He's just sitting there dancing to playing Plex. You didn't say that. Yeah. Drug use is at an all-time high. Look, he's not... Yeah, they're being tricked. You hear a dog barking. and you all got he might press play this world of Or a comic that just steals other people's jokes a comic.

30:26 You know, I mean, Yeah, that fucking dude is funny. here's 10 bucks oh my god tiesto bought my song thank you thank you thank you now i'll just compile That might be the name of a town. The gay Switzerland. the most awful thing I've ever seen. Does it make you want to punch him in the fucking head? I think you guys are haters. I like the way that moves. I wish you never would have showed me this. This is the most awful thing I've ever seen.

32:19 that wears Ed Hardy and That might be a funny sketch, man. friends and to me and not even just to me they really are the most talented guys you'll ever It's kind of like, you know, it's a tuning in thing to the right way to do it. But, you know, he's not really fucking doing anything, but that they couldn't do themselves. I used to work in factories,

33:55 Maybe. That's what it is. I appreciate that when I'm at a club in Vegas or something like that, I know I'm not there for me. He's the worst, too, because he has this program that he uses where he doesn't even have to do shit. No. That was Frank Sinatra mixed with Eyes meets Bed-Stuy? No. On and on. Oh, the one when he's mugshot? But then you read about like his behavior,

36:08 to people who were shitheads. Ugh, Girl Talk. Oh, man. Oh, it is? Wow, that's crazy. a language i don't understand hey watch here you go see now i don't like the song. There it is. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. I have no idea what you're talking about. I'll show you exactly where he took it from. Yeah, let's hear it. Go to the other song. some fucking Mayan hieroglyphs.

39:38 Dude, I got kids. else. There's not enough time in the day. and take those four hours and put it towards... What's that? I've been sick all week, man. I got Mastermind hitting me. I totally get what you're saying. How dare you? Why is my mom calling you? Have you ever DJed underwater? It goes, and I'm like thinking, wow, that's kind of cool. And all of a sudden, I did carpentry.

42:30 And then you'd find it. I mean, look, I kind of get the idea that, at McDonald's is going to be gone It's going to be a weird thing. all Indian, right off the boat or airplane. mostly i felt it was right after 9-11 too and i was like wow why are all these people here i i I've done that. I had to go to the president of the company and be like, sir, may I please speak to you for a second?

44:52 He was very understanding. The guy you confided in is a WikiLeaker. They were like a knockoff website? bernie made off in it somewhere like at yahoo yeah exactly yahoo i wonder how many people who that'll do it henderson road wow it's still there it actually changed the name it's not It's like going to the off-garden in the ghetto. Have you heard of them before?

47:39 They make the body kit look different Someone picked him up at the airport and just jacked him. Because he speaks German. This guy was just trying to fuck everybody. Crazy, man. You know, especially for a guy Who's successful as you are Gonna be a little When they aren't, you know I thought he was going to be aloof. It's a real business. So everybody in the house, give a warm round of applause for the Notorious B.I.T.

50:18 I let my tape rock till my tape pop. My favorite of all time. beat was playing yeah yeah amazing i like that but i am sick of that song so do you do shows And then they play They do it before the show on the way out because they're bigger venues right so right that's awesome man what is the Toronto has a real good comedy scene. Really? Wow. and someone who's just coming to a comedy show.

53:01 and it's like, you know, when you first start out, of performing and then you see all the people around him sort of like mimic it and morph into it like a Hedberg did that too, right? Yes, Mitch Hedberg I know. I haven't been sick in three years, the first time They were in the shelves of Whole It's a totally different flavor. Kabamboozle. I still have not broken that level of...

55:44 Let them know you were there. Let them know. No, I don't do that. I always clean the seat if I piss on piss all over it to leave my mark Let them know you were there They know it's yours I'm reading people's tweets while I'm talking to you. Wow. You could be totally wrong for the whole people who don't agree if you're going after That guy can suck a fucking million rancid dicks.

57:40 Imagine something happened to me with you, Joe, recently, a perfect example like Miley Cyrus oh my friend took a photo or a video you know I'm going to use Right. Wow. I get a little freaked out. It's true. and I knew I would I'm going to fucking and buy some phone there. If you have an iPhone. It's not as good, for sure. It's good for Twittering, too.

1:00:19 AT&T's horrible, dude. Yeah, Verizon. yeah until it's like windows you would think that it would die off but it never will right No, no. I like it, man. that was a touchscreen was the storm 2 which was a piece of shit yeah that was a piece of shit if i I saw it and I played with it. The piggyback battery? We're going back to the old days life. You're going to be walking around with a

1:03:04 Super battery killer. But it's cool if you want to watch a movie on your phone. That's what we're going to. wherever you want to. Russell, have you seen that new application What? It detects the translation and changes it. No, I think it's like... their games for 99 cents. So what is this, like a promotion? It's like anywhere from $59 to $69 new. My parents bought me the bootleg system

1:06:04 And they'll like argue to join you in on some fucking verizon clan you like sprint are you with sprint sprint's good Those Metro PCS fucking commercials. I'm trying to wake them up. No, I have seen it, but I think people should know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. with all taxes and fees included. You know what I'm saying? okay i see what you're saying so they they end up being the brunt and then they end up being the

1:09:04 dropping. If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem. $40 a month. Indian people. Listen, it's not brilliant. I would have picked really Aryan-looking people and then given them a Mexican accent. But you try a Roman joke today what are you a fucking roman what kind of roman are you what are you a flan that was actually an

1:10:58 It's like she was saying, you're a Nazi. any misinformation so somebody's like I like I like I read the twitters now because people are like You missed it already, stupid. I don't fucking know about you, twats. Yes, yes. And somebody made a great point, though. even if it was a Disney rave, I don't think the movie was... weird and that's why i think everyone liked that movie but if you really try to watch that movie

1:13:00 I remember the commercial for that. And then he gets in his isolation tank. forget. but it shows there's an ethic. You appreciate well in this time period He'll stand up still said some funny shit when he used to do you bet your life it was a talk show a game show was like to say that back then yeah he was he was sharp then. His sharpness still holds up.

1:16:00 I wonder how much dick out like jerking off on them is it though is it that or you could do it to like a hundred Yeah, you don't have to do much. of like a picture of a woman You take a picture That's hilarious. No, no, no. No they both survived and she got rid of him just fucking And there was an interview. How could it be unconsensual? I think just the shock alone is worth it.

1:19:20 I'm like, oh, come on. Oh, come on. in the room and beat off while his friend fucked the hooker. Go ahead. Just went around naked. iPhone on them. But nowadays you can get The glasses, there's a button they got a small enough HD you never know Nothing. Yes. 36. Fake it and just be, yeah, fuck it. Because if you don't, she's going to find someone who makes noise.

1:22:19 So when I go, you take that. And masturbating everything They need you to take the pussy You gotta start doing squats If you can find elk steaks But not until you finish fucking the deer. here's the deal just only fuck here's the deal buddy here's the deal fucking the last thing you would fucked you don't want to lean in go did that i'm sorry did that hurt yeah just when they when it

1:24:54 How many girls has this happened to? dick. I got a sad dick. Well, maybe you're just lucky and does it make you dizzy I had to go lay down on the bathroom floor. Take it back to the same story. You're losing your fucking cells. They're going away. What are you talking about? You're getting coconut. That's your mommy's that edamame shit makes you grow tits

1:27:52 Your agriculture knowledge is disappointing, Joe. Yeah, grain drown. I guess they start from the bottom. I was always fearful of those ball things that you throw kids in. if you're a two-year-old, but when That shit's the bomb. They need to bring that back yeah well they stopped it yeah well i don't know there's That's a pretty good Joey Diaz for you bro

1:29:47 who would you choose? Joey is Cuban. An Inca. that was dope. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. and they were carved it out joe well that's what these guys are. Everyone's always claiming it's aliens. But we're aliens. fucking strides out of nowhere. Yeah, but there's some bugs and some rats and shit and they it doesn't mean that the mass extinctions and hunt for food and we go through the

1:33:01 Well, December 21st, yeah. You'd have to say it like that. It's so hard to say like in English what these guys wrote down in these images and drawings. What a lot of people believe is all it is is there's a procession of the equinoxes. And these are the cycles based on. it doesn't mean and experience Mother Gaia. And our electricity And you just need your life

1:35:54 Most likely. Yeah but do you really think that this day is going to happen nuts, you are going to completely be over the fact that someone called the day, that And when that does happen, you're not going to give a fuck if it was in December or July. I called the day. Maybe that's the Earth's inoculation system. but maybe it is a natural system. That's a whole system in place.

1:38:25 It might be leukemia, whatever the fuck it might be. Here's why. Giant, fucking, thick-skinned lizard monster with huge teeth that eats all day. we're just so retarded and out of control and overpopulated that we're piled on top of each When they thought the apocalypse was coming 10,000 years ago, they were right, okay? It's inevitable. So that's what all this 2012 shit is. Whether it's 2012 or when Jesus comes back,

1:41:00 He's like a crazy Christian now, right? take away. He believes He's going to take us to heaven. No. And he really sells them in the videos? God, I'm going to have to Google this now because I don't remember the name of this guy. catholic like inoculates you because it's so silly you know it's so ridiculous yeah and everybody's what all this shit is and you were very aware of you know what the names for him and everything

1:43:45 smoking chillums another ancient text When was the first time you saw a chicken that wasn't red? Red chicken. Pretty fucking wild. Did you guys see... That was never Look, I know people that are yoga people. You know? What was that? They figured out how to maintain your body areas like india especially has a lot of like really trippy shit that came from india like all

1:46:30 where Yogi kills Oh I see Go to meet girls and it's very important but too much vegetables I find vegetarians when vegetables rot? You should really do that sometime. Yeah, you don't even know what you're Yeah. Really? farts smell that way. Like, when you one indian guy named omar bersher they had they i guess everyone made fun of his farts because they

1:49:38 He was a fighter. And so, you know, he would still compete even though he had to do this, you know, get pissed off and ramadan would come. I don't remember who it was. Stop with the, you know, if you're going to fucking love God, go love God. You think he's impressed with you starving yourself all day? You have like a real hardcore meal, you know? between you and I

1:51:37 And I like real wood. But I did it with a gun in my pocket I remember you listened to our one podcast The lead singer. What happened to them? How come they rapping. Really? and confidence in once you hit 90. Yeah, it's like watching old fighters. You're't too old yet. We'll accept it again once you hit 90. It's a very, very strange thing. Yeah, that was a good one.

1:53:46 up as vanilla ice phony entertainers like what they're doing is valid but what vanilla ice is Friend of mine. And he goes, oh yeah, hey. You should come to my show and blah, blah, blah. And he goes, just call me Rob. but they're right here so you don't make fun of, but they're right here Do you remember what Vanilla Ice does? Of course. Black's always going to win

1:56:39 A guy who's trying to be black He should have known And he was on Crack cleaned him out of that. When you look at all the things that happened to those people on that show, Now he's doing ICDC commercials. where you're hanging out with them It's the way And he was like a man in his 30s. I'm glad. One time on a show, he had thrown her to the ground on one of the shows,

1:59:13 them jonathan you can do better she's dead weight she's dead weight man and she's holding you back husband doesn't mean you can hit other people and then the husband goes hey hey hey and he gets my Then I grabbed the back of his head But I was convinced that he was going to hit me. I wasn't going to choke him. control over their their physicality and their emotions those are usually the guys that have

2:01:49 I've seen people in street fights just straight hyperventilate, freak out, and they're crazy and creepy reading texts this is what I did keep talking about how long have you back in 97 On the road, but I'm going to be here now for a while. I need to talk to you. It's like, see if you like anything in here, and then I'll try and get you an audition.

2:03:59 What the fuck is wrong with them? The most important thing is you have to have a powerful writer and a powerful producer. six, seven casts of good people. Because look, It's too hard to find something good. I get to story edit once it's written, so that's good. Yeah, you get to story edit? Oh, that's a terrible feeling man i get to i get to story edit once it's written so that's

2:05:51 It's our life, Brian. News podcasting. No, News Radio was NBC. in it. But the network didn't think that they could produce a show. You know, that's what a lot of happens. So they bring the Coach man in. Right. I don't know if I could take someone else's comedy. Yeah, the new show on FX, right? Why don't you marry him? Coconut water. Well, yeah. of devotion to shit you know it's like my my thing about so many things is like how much time would it really

2:10:09 You know, there could be, It's happening right now, simultaneously. And the one you exist in right now What the fuck are we talking about, folks? She goes, you know, my whole class at the university is all big fans. We're studying it, and yes, that's ultimately what we're doing when i said so let me ask you a then. How would it be possible now? that they've released online that you could find where they show the levels that are out there

2:12:58 during the apex of a 20-year solar cycle. She's like, there's no way. Like, maybe they did it. It's about calculations. But you've got to make sure When you watch the Apollo 11 press conference, the post-flight press conference, It's like, it doesn't seem like they have any connection The only time human beings have ever been more than That's so long ago.

2:16:01 We had to beat them at something. I wonder how much of the fucking Cold War know I know exactly what's going on. what else can they lie about? Everything from 1969 from 1969 is cheaper easier and faster to do today Or maybe they faked it. Something has to get into your head to make you turn this way. Maybe. the relationship that allegedly... I saw one of those.

2:18:49 No, I was in a store that sold high-end watches. I mean, you know, it's a federal crime to be in brought back a bunch of uh moon dust you know you know not a bunch like But even the hollow earth, I'll listen to what they have to say. It's NASA. They're coming. looks like they're in spotlights and And there's also photos where it looks like a guy out of a lunar module, meanwhile the sun is

2:21:34 there with a big fucking piece of aluminum to give us fucking flying saucers yeah like come on. I don't believe there's been over 11 flying saucers have crashed that we have possession of. People have stories about shit. What about tarot cards? They just look forward to it. Anything crazy and unknown. If you didn't know, you know, and it kills fish and fucks up sharks.

2:23:43 because there are things that we have not discovered. No, it's like six feet tall. But there's not a lot. Nobody knew. What the fuck is that? And they're like, that is our famous leader. I don't think they even did. climb out on these trees that that that hang over the congo over the river and they're literally I hate that shit. Is that what it was saying?

2:26:46 Just hanging. A part where he's climbing, And he has to climb all the way to the top because it gets thinner and thinner and thinner. Did it freak you out? Yeah, I started freaking It just makes your toes curl distance like underneath the water did you see that video the guy free diving there's a video He's got a world record. Why do you want to do that, man?

2:28:34 And if people want to get in contact with you, what is the best way? Shazam, bitches. Super Bowl weekend, Friday night. Are you going to be in Vegas for the UFC weekend? The 5th is UFC? No, why not? No, no. Henderson had his back. I believe he had Pettis' back too. It was a really interesting... I believe he had Pettis' back, too. Didn't he fight...

2:31:14 He's got a good submission game, good stand-up game. because both guys were so good and so much action was going on and both guys knew that you couldn't It's just a few seconds to go in the last round. Triangled Dan Severin off his back. The Taekwondo guys just think... That's how they fight. You can only kick No? If you want to take some shit, right?

2:33:29 I love you bitches. Thank you, everybody. people on tap Greg Fitzsimmons Yeah, Liza Schlesinger. We got a lot of shit happening.