Joe Rogan Experience #65 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Okay. There we go. This is for real? That's how we do it here. Can we find this man? He didn't even have a whole song. He would just open up then, and Paris would take that thing over. How about a round of applause for all the sexy ladies in the house? Bust this motherfucker I seen the blue one and I finally watched away with it? Well, it's just a blue alien.

3:21 I think they were selling it. and only like 300 were made or something like that, can goof on someone but if you're selling things when you're goofing on them like how much what you're allowed to have a comes after them to say, hey, stupid. about the corruption during the You can make a movie about fucking bashing people here, The corruption levels in those places is just so mind-boggling.

6:13 He just thought he was fucking cute. them is to keep shit from getting out of hand because once it's get out gets out of hand it Yes, it would take hundreds of years. All these people have experienced horrific murders in their lives. And they all saw this shit. You know, you can't. It's really kind of crazy because he's still out. And there's video of him talking about eating babies.

9:07 That's the whole patois of it, too. It just shows a certain amount of ferocity. They participate in machete attacks where they go into villages while everyone's asleep and they hack them to death with machetes. The culture's so fucked up. and ideas of society is that eventually society degrades The United, Thank fucking God. Killing somebody on the 405 that cuts you off in a fucking bad car and shit.

11:32 Blade was a badass motherfucker when he was in there with the swords. gentlemen. I don't give a fuck if you think it's a scam. crazy that you don't get to vote on where your money goes. But just put it behind you and pay your taxes because that's their paper, dog. Well, he pissed somebody off. He told them to suck his dick. He made like an England or something

13:36 I walked in that building. Like you used to say, he's gone. plan. They took the 10 years I didn't because in Boston they got paid in cash. Either that or when you win the lottery. go from one room to the other room. They had two rooms downstairs and one room upstairs. They send you a bill to make your head go out of the fucking room. You're like, wow, what a giant chunk

16:10 be the president, what the maybe less. So Brock Lesnar tricky. We came in tonight, and I seen your family, next to the Dirty Show where women take their clothes off. And then they sued her because, or she got fired because they found out she was a man before that. And took that piece of meat out. And you know what? If I would have done coke and drink, I would have had to suck my dick.

18:12 It looked like this fucking. Hey. And it was me and you in the dirty room. Not Rich Schneidner. You left, and we're sitting there. You know, I'm suing them. and then I stumbled upon it. shots and he's waltzing around on this stage like a ballerina. And I'm like, this is the craziest She looks just like Ralphie May. She looks just That's funny. I was thinking about that because of her... Yeah, I was on the Sonny and Cher show when Donny and Marie show. Donny and Marie. Did I say Sonny and Cher? Sonny and Cher. That's funny. I was thinking about that because of her.

21:01 Like I did something. Yeah. I was just an actor. It could be. they did a special on one of those 2020s about where people go for that surgery. Because during the week, he's like a farmer. There you go. I haven't seen this show. I can do it in six months. You can't be pissing out of your asshole. Is leather made out of animal skin? Yeah, but I think it's a difference in the way it's processed.

23:46 Boil your fucking shoes with rice and shit and potatoes. Was it the 20s? how the hell to do it. Man, famous footwear would have been banking. The economic down period. You know happy time. The economic down period. Did you see that fucking guy try to commit suicide in the Roman? I mean, he gets fucked up, dude. retarded. One day I showed him my dick.

25:51 What's up, dog? It's nowhere near high enough to kill him. hung. They should arrest you for felony they're dying, even if they're in horrible, horrible rather like these horrible this horrible artwork like about murders and shit and really like What is he doing? 4. For me, it's writing. Like, Monday I got up at 3. I got to go back to bed. a little coffee.

28:31 I think you can fit in it. Float Lab, Venice. You don't feel drunk or anything, no This is why I say it i'm up i hide from my wife are you fucking close that fucking door It's like the most insane amusement park ride ever. A lot of weird cartoons play out. What are we doing? Where'd you get it from? That motherfucker. Why does your cat think it can jump on you?

31:23 Your cat is saying, I don't have to run on your shoulder and be considerate. This is what you do. And then put them down. I have this thing where he sits on the back of the chair. You know, it's like we know. And dogs too. But yet, they understand. Because my cats, they're so alert at 3 in the morning. and these two old ladies have a dog. Oh, I fucking love animals, man.

33:50 me. You're not going to bite me. The owner even says to me, she goes, I can't understand what you have with her. I have no fear of dogs. Did you really? that they're a family dog, And I was trying to go through the front I mean, it didn't puncture skin really, but it was all bruised the next day. That's an idiot. You heard it. I always think, oh, a dog lunges at you, you're going to be like, oh, block it or something.

36:13 I had a feral cat for a while. pitbulls Dolman pincher and one German Shepherd the German Shepherd ripped my hand open Brian look at the scar whew, whew, that guy still has like a claw in his head I didn't know. And I'd never seen the cat, but when we tried to break into a house, He's throwing the coke down, the jewelry, watch by watch. Imagine, like, a big cat.

38:22 Their power, their everything is just too much what a Did you hear about that? In one house? she had to take care of all these cats oh my god it was crazy i was in california like two weeks Right. It's just, I mean, you gotta watch. And she was a fucking mean And it goes in your nose, and it stays there. Oh, God, from a block away. Funk ass. You can smell it from a block away. I've never smelled a dead human. Humans, we got a very particular reiki. Oh, God, from a block away.

41:19 148th Street to my godmother's house. Holy shit. You know, we didn't report nothing From a block away, you can hear the flies. The flies. envelopes in this fucking thing. body? And it was under rubble, like garbage, You go out for miles. who else had there's a one dude who had a whole bunch of them scarpatti scarpatti andy scarpatti But aren't you taking something into your body when you're smelling that?

44:05 Like, the smell of the ass. So maybe there's some kind of weird, hidden... You're smelling that shit. You should smoke from a humidifier. fucking come up with an eel and that we're just, listen, fuck this river. are coming from the Bronx on the weekends. There must be That is the worst smell. Wow, there's a whole association before? Yes. That shit's disgusting. That is the worst smell.

46:04 they tried to take it out and a wheel fell out. A Statue of Liberty. Wow. But he ate an eel fucking one time, an eel's head. You got the bridge. You got the bridge. That was last year when George Washington was there and he shot cannonballs at the Indians across the fucking thing. There was a branch of it was by my house. And then I saw a condom. And then I realized what it is. I saw lumps of shit. I'm like, and I see all these things floating in it, and then I saw a condom.

48:00 no more, first of all. Oh, it's disgusting. Penn and Teller And the people say Water from a hose I filled it. at him like no it looks fine then uh i did i went somewhere on the road with you came back and it and everything's fine. there what is this product again what is like a water cooler you know how like you would get the I've had mine for three years.

50:35 black dots i found out like the bleach had like disintegrated something or i don't know what the You know It's a humidifier The machine's great. Where did we go for the UFC? The fucking filter was disgusting when I got back. When I came back it was a three night trip. And they all have prescription drugs in them. We're going to get pregnant. But what if it gets to the point that birth control

52:59 you are, you fucking pig. How about you I mean, if something, you know, we're not going to be able to drink it That's fucking dirty water. you boil water, I do. You don't kill everything. Joey, do you know anything about the Juggalos? There's fucking millions of these They're a trip, man. It's one of those things You gotta be into One of those guys.

55:31 Really? I remember he was telling you, too. I don't know much about them. I've seen him. about 31. It's football. He's only 31? I love it. They sent me a whole case of it. It's $3.99, the ice and you'll see what it is. No, no, no, no. Yeah? Not hammered, but like two or three drinks. Yeah, it gets lit every day growing up he would be a mad programmer he'd be a huge computer nerd which is crazy because he

58:35 I think the laptop is the crack for people once they get a laptop. He just doesn't take it to the advantage because he's... There's a whole fucking life out there. The guy's a super curious guy, that's all I'm saying. That means he's one foot in the grave on a banana peel He don't need to fucking look at computers on the balcony. You want him out there with a

1:00:12 You gotta do your dick stuff and shit. I'm doing my own motherfucking documentary. a fuck? It's raining four days out there. The one-on-one's backed up the pieces You writing for the school fucking paper? after I do it on MySpace. that we got to stop being sheep, people. I'm just going to say, I didn't know you had it too copy. Really? That is the most fickle thing I think I've ever seen

1:02:31 I think I've blocked the guy. I add him every time. I remember when you wouldn't make text messages. So you stopped text messaging? Just call me. They want to have a conversation. How long do you want to sit here? I can't do that. I did it from Mavis Baking. He's just typing. No, you're really good. They abused it, right? the 8th? Sussman was calling you direct.

1:05:03 If I could take that as an option Because this is going to take a long time to really you know when the phone rings and they're you know i'm just like i fuck this i can't answer You know what I'm saying? and I wait for you. It's like, fucking click, blocked. But the beautiful thing But there's plenty of cool people on it, too. I love all that shit.

1:07:37 That's a fucking classic, man. They're there. I want to go, though. To Rome? Yeah. You want to go to Rome?. I've never been there, man. I want to go, though. It's amazing that they were so advanced as far as the incredible buildings ceiling anymore because no one's like a carpenter to the level that these people were back then? and incredible, you know, precise craftsmanship.

1:09:31 No, no, because I was thinking last night or the night before they'd break their neck to make sure that they would never leave do you follow i'm saying to you they would kill the cat so you could take the journey with them. about what the fuck before you buried your cat, It's so crazy that they worshipped cats. some sort of a deformation of their head. They had like extra long heads. When they

1:11:57 you know? wow, I could build shoes better than this person, you know? They didn't live too long. when he died that the world would end they had not they had not known life without this guy and so surreal that you're like, look at these people. I don't know. Why? Pompey Fucking tremendous But I heard the best foods in Spain. and like these, they're considered like real

1:14:43 They're considered cold and calculated. It's amazing that Italian food is the number one ethnic food in the United States. Spaghetti and meatballs. Jersey, they do it right, dog. They do fucking shrimp. Then they go It's good. I went right from yoga. I think I gave it like 14. It's not that bad. I don't fucking understand them. Like, there was too many, like,

1:17:08 Weight Watchers is a I never counted my points for vegetables or fruit because I knew it was a scam. Dog, they're fucking one point point those cheeses How many points do you get a day? like when i go to the gym and work on the bike let's say I burn 600 calories on the bike, it's six points. two-point snicker bars or something like that. Sundays I get strawberries, I get blueberries, I get raspberries.

1:19:08 Now, the sugar from fruit, it's not bad for you? Drinking six cans of Coke is bad for you. Yeah, it's probably worse to have a Diet Coke than a regularload of sugar. Processed sugar is bad for you. Drinking six cans of Coke is bad for you. Yeah, and so now I read... There was a double rainbow yesterday in Burbank, double rainbow, my God, no, oh, my God.

1:20:28 The real beauty is in nature. Before that video, there was no I know. It was like a Trader Joe's. on the other side of this building is the end of the rainbow. And when you get to the end of them, you find gold. Like, the one that I have, I love that t-shirt. We've got one coming out with Shiva. Hey, man, I want you to consider If I can't say cocksucker,

1:23:15 You know? Exactly. Because sometimes you just go, I'm licking a cock. But it's silly. The solution is not say less things. and you can't just keep explaining yourself You don't curse at all, and I enjoy him. Yeah, they're just words. about shit like that, it's just like, come on, But you know whose fault it was? and you walked in the back to get your check

1:25:56 I went to Home Buffet in Burbank two weeks ago. And I go, how bad is hometown buffet? I know better. No. This is what I say to people. Didn't you just watch that movie the other day that was awful? Yeah, I did say that, but I didn't watch the whole movie Listen, if you went to see that fucking movie with Angelina Jolie Huh? Yeah. The drifter girls.

1:28:07 Any movie that you go see and you won't. He liked it. If you got really baked, Joey, and you saw a 3D movie, it might be awesome. You don't have to wear 3D glasses. It's fun, man. I'm telling you. I like things that aren't realistic. It kept me occupied. It was no I don't know But I thought it was well executed Oh! What is it? But De Niro, you got to stop it.

1:30:42 Tales of Yanya. He's almost playing a character of himself now in his throats. Three Amish men. I would watch that if you fucking held a gun to my head But I want to know That's it That came out No, no, no. Let's see. That green hornet looks fucking bad too. so let's just... Why the fuck are we doing this to him? But the guy was fucking Chinese. had a cannibal musical and stuff this is a whole play based on mormons and it's a musical

1:33:34 Robert De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer, Charlie Cox, Kate McGowan. What's his name that did that Twitter Four times. A million a week. wait a minute Bono like the guy A week to keep it in production. In this economy, a million-dollar production. And I guess the stuntman that did that is in serious condition, tweets nowadays, you can just say The stuff, the guy that he tweeted. Who's talking about this? Who's talking about it? What fucking Momo's talking about? The stuff that the guy, that he tweeted.

1:36:18 because they got nothing better to do in a jail cell. opens March 24th. No one. That was like, It might even have been I don't know what the fuck God you have no idea They're bad motherfuckers, man. It has tempted my vocabulary Just maxing and relaxing. Tonight and tomorrow? He did four shows. Some fucking Denny's somewhere. So Gene Simmons is a big comedy fan, huh?

1:39:19 No, I don't watch it. Oh, it's plenty good. Yeah, this is a bad season. something, man. This episode's getting So everyday people are going through DTs Eric Roberts if you're out there Okay That didn't pay attention to him They're all a mess. You know, herself it's like girls they get to a certain point where they're trying to continually tweak We're all going to die.

1:41:39 in a reality show. You fucking mook. And he's like 25. because it goes through your skin when you weigh it on a scale. And they wanted like a grand and that's it. at the fucking thing. you know this because you have an addictive personality Yeah. people from addiction. It's like in the 90%. And you're talking about, when you're talking about We don't allow any eye-opening shit here

1:44:08 It's like you can't... It's not that they It's the same thing We could open up rehabs where people go I think the people that are involved in treatment are trying to help people. Like, you know, like if you look at like Dr. Drew, like he doesn't even consider a psychedelic drug trip to cure you of addictions. no more. We're going to build this stage right here, and you're going to do comedy on this,

1:45:58 of money out of your pocket. It is? so you're taking money out of my pocket. I'm not saying that. I don't think you know. In reality't want to heal people and they want to keep people. I'm not saying that. But it's so effective. Is it even though? this stupid law, if you can't pass There was a bunch of things that law would have passed it so it was legal to smoke weed at work, as an example.

1:47:26 There was a lot of weird things. But if anything, it showed that it was, You'd go into pot shops. You wouldn't have to be licensed. group claims. Is this true? Chamber of Commerce claimed in I was like, I bet he's got it, like it only if it's a job that you don't operate certain there's some truth to it. People think Joe Rogan doesn't like Alex Jones.

1:50:03 NASA. We're seeing much more exposure of all the corruption in all levels of government. You know, the thing about Alex Jones is that he's great, And this is where it's going to sound really strange. You're dealing with a machine that is just fucking beyond your comprehension, so intertwined with corruption. But this is what you can do. What you can do is

1:51:58 right way to go about it. It's not fun. You just need a lot of people to recognize that vision and There's people out there that are hearing some of the shit that you're saying, And don't think that this thing isn't permanent because it's not permanent. Very cheerful. to take care of their kids. It's not what I'm talking about. I'm just looking to get a few fucking laughs,

1:54:45 really going to have a future. We've got to work together. like that. I hated it. Disneyland is really fun Bah! born in June or some shit. Don't go, dude. Go on like a Tuesday day. You want to get the pagans to be Christians, they combine holidays. Don't go, dude. You don't appreciate Disneyland until you have little kids. Like so excited at every turn.

1:56:30 Where are you going? Like a die yourself, huh? That's your two-year-old, don't want to be at fucking Disneyland. They want to be home. I never really understood Sure. It's you're happy too. and it's like you just have this insane feeling of love and happiness watching these little kids Having children is a strange trip, man It's an awesome web,.org, I'm sorry

1:59:21 Look at this Jew going around the hood somewhere deep in the black neighborhood in the inner city ghetto Derogatory. want to promote that. It's great. that a bunch of people who hate, hate him. They need Jewish Stinky. One stunk Was like a Poor showering? It's not nice There's other things than they come from Ohio. Joe Diaz? He's got his little I think I got this right,

2:01:47 men start growing facial hair. then men get all fucking girly. A man that wears cologne, I don't trust. Okay, here's a tip. It's like shoes. Musk. That's weird. You. They like wood odor. Musk. And so now, the other day, my friend sprayed it in my house, and it now, it doesn't smell like Lysol. Yeah. wanted to do some population studies see if they can just up the population in the neighborhood so they start

2:04:11 that affects your behavior. and start hugging and it would kill morale. They're going quickly. AT&T can suck my dick. Hey, come to my show Sunday at Sal's Comedy Club on Melrose. Sunday it starts at 6 o'clock. Ari Shafir. Ari Shafir some shit's going down Oh, shit, son. I don't want to hear whatever you're playing. Even the people that like metal. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

2:06:40 Not long. Monday. You can get them John Lovitz, Edwin San Juan, In the City Walk upstairs. Love you, bitches. Why? Hold on Alright, thanks for having the show. I love you.