Joe Rogan Experience #660 — Jim Florentine Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Yee-haw! We're fucking live. I was just about to take a sip of coffee. This shit is way more important. Like, the amount of mold you guys had. Who made that video? I had a girlfriend who lived with me at the time, too. Fuck no. Tom Likas I know. to buy more paintings just to cover up the mold But you gotta think some kind of fucked up Was it like, hi, guys?

2:55 it, and then start making money. I moved in with, I didn't even like this girl. Yeah in the neighborhood They don't pay any money. had all these, like, gigs, these one-nighters that paid like $150, $200. Like, have you ever hung around with Bob Levy? And he went up and he was doing some shit where he was having girls eat his asshole. Maybe you would do it, but I don't know.

5:12 What's the big deal? He's an old pro. Still hot. Crushing. I think are more common in California. Absolutely. Yeah. I'm trying to get custody of my son. Oh, he's a savage. And he holds on A cultural legend thing Surprised That Greg Fitzsimmons Greg's gone crazy. And Bob said, I want to eat this blue cheese out of your ass. She goes, okay, fine. What kind of a fucking animal?

8:44 Or like Extreme Elvis. And he takes his clothes off and he pisses in this girl's mouth. Like no drugs. No this no that I wrote a whole blog about it. the fact it was insane he's pissing in this girl's mouth and some guy like in from the audience like someone or was a girl some girl tried to stick Go ahead. he doesn't do it anymore if he was doing at the audience before the first song.

11:26 We're caught in a trap. I mean, it's a fucking show. We saw it in like 2003. This guy's got his dick out, he's Yeah. Oh, shit. I gotta find out if this guy's still around. I want to beat him up. And didn't pay him at the end of the night. Yeah. He's got a bunch of chickens picking. Exactly. That's like Ari Shick fear. Here's at the comedy store. Absolutely.

13:55 It wasn't around like it's around now. what the fuck is wrong with the world band with him. Oh, one of his band members, But how is that illegal? Is that what it said? I think I left it in a hotel room somewhere. Elvis doing Ozzy. It's beautiful. What is this that stands before me? Yeah, I heard about that. That's what it was. And the baby came out and they put her right in the wood chipper and the blood went all over the audience.

16:49 Oh, fucking Jesus Christ. Whatever president, they would cut his head off. Jesus Christ. Or something like that. That's why I would always say something at the end. Oh, my God. because they were doing President Bush and what you shouldn't be able to make fun of because that Charlie Hebdo thing that happened. killed everybody. um, have certain things you're not allowed to do

19:34 you know like people say that all the time oh i want to kill that guy i fucking hate him i mean I forget what the quote was, and the Secret Service was at his house the next day. Something like that, yeah. He's not going to kill the president. shooting pigs? No. Him and this dude, they call him Pig Man. This is just talking about the devastation. I mean, Texas is goddamn enormous.

22:15 oh man, this is awful But it is really weird that you could just, just because they cost money. It's like you have to manage them. where we bless these pigs instead of shooting them with a machine gun out of a helicopter it's just You couldn't poison them because you poison a bunch of other shit, too They got 450 in one day on that pig man show pigs are so smart though it sucks i don't like when smart animals you know i hear you it's yeah you're right you're right

25:08 They haven't seen their brother getting eaten by a bear. you know, were better, could be your buddy. You know, the actual wild behavior of them. for us instead or something like that. of kilowatts of... One dies, then you cut them up and let them eat their friend. Some guy who was a pig farmer in in I think it was British Columbia was I know. so when she wakes up,

28:14 Yeah. No, I got rid of them. It was like a fresh one like I had some some meat on it It's a fucking good question. She's transracial. She taught at a university level Definitely hot or black, though. Apparently, look at her hair. but maybe it's good that the conversation gets brought up and people realize that like a Some people are really into French history.

31:37 Top wigger. That's when she was like I'm gonna get found if I keep dying my hair black and putting that fucking spray tape What? Was she teaching there where she teaches somewhere else, But she was teaching like African related courses. Right? Okay. I want to see what her Facebook page looks like. She's fucking spraying herself with a big airbrush can like she's fucking detailing a Chevelle.

34:46 Well, this is, like, don't they have a better way of doing that now? fucking spray tanned. I mean, that is Oh, that's so retarded. is not good for you the fuck little spots Yeah. Put baby oil on. I had to try to clean up You should probably try it Dracar That's a big one With a chain? Hmm. What about cologne? They like it. Yeah, the green polo was good. I had that shit, too.

37:03 Throw a little Old Spice on. Yeah. Take you didn't shower, you didn't have time, and you just throw it on. Throw a little Old Spice on. They caught him. Missed the big artery or maybe he was able to plug it up, whatever the guy did. inexplicably slashing a customer's throat when barber Daniel Roberto trimming the victim's beard. He said his training as a medic kicked in.

39:05 That's only 10 years in jail. Shoot at the pigs. You can't just do that. Did you watch Jeff Ross's and see how fucked up and nightmarish girls in prison wouldn't be hot? I know. Oh, that's all right. He's a comic. A million of them. Yeah. gypsy girl yeah wow she just hangs out she's like yeah i just hang out at my pools and stuff He would buy them stuff, get them cars, and they could live with them.

42:52 No guy rule. I can't bring guys over no guys. Yeah, sometimes, you know, it sounds like a sugar daddy thing And then she'd come on with a VCR. And we went to a mall, and I picked out like 20 CDs he bought me. Oh, that's hilarious. older creepazoid dudes and you're gross. Listen to me. Apple Pay. It's okay to pay someone to suck your dick. They shouldn't have to do that.

45:15 No, they just... Well, she said when I wasn't around. I only met him that one time. She's taking me to dinner. an hour and this guy's I added things to her Amazon wish list like Xbox games and stuff And they go, oh my God, thank you so much. I tell everyone I little Esther has one and I used to have one And she's like, what's going on? Guys have wish lists.

48:14 Tom Segura. Yeah, find if it's Tom Segura. That's weird. What are you doing? That's all they need. Yeah Tom Skura has one. on DVD. It's not like, like a lot of people have wish lists, but I don't think they like pimp them out. Yeah, let me see if Joey Diaz has one. To buy shit But I really believe that there's going to be a time in our lives where people are going to be making most of the stuff.

51:26 And they use like an air. Just like old printers. holy shit, I'm looking at like a a big fucking thing of all If technology continues and the public can manipulate their own DNA. you can have your own build a pet like you have a machine we can build a pet immediately. And if some asshole And they just come tumbling out of some chamber that he's got in his basement.

54:22 you could be in china they'd be like what the fuck are you even talking about, man? We're living in the cave era. So people will live to whatever age. plagues that doesn't really happen anymore okay so just think about the all the different medications that scientists have come up with all the different treatments for diseases that like the only thing that's going to kill you is trauma the only thing that's going to kill people

56:40 The the history that we study today when you study Alexander the Great, when you study Genghis Khan, We understand that. They're going to be able to manipulate your genes and cut your lips off or whatever nutty shit you want to do. Should you be able to live in a city now? The lip window. Oh, my God. Blowjob squirts right back at you. He's had holes not in the bottom where the nostril hole is but on the sides

59:28 Did anyone that you knew when you were growing up have a facial piercing? Nose ring was college, about 93. Like a wallet chain. Joe, I saw you on Ariane's Instagram wearing the extensions. That's so funny. But Bon Scott from ACDC had an earring in each ear. The both. What you're allowed, but it's weird weird. Yeah, it's a weird thing. That's my experience.

1:01:25 I like that rule. But she could pull it off. That's a strong statement too when a girl gets her pussy pierced. Was she lifting weights with her pussy? Like, I'm talking, like, fucking heavy weight, like 50, 60 pounds for her pussy. with her? She's not just Okay. She's picking up this heavy weight with her, was he? she's going to lock on to you, Could you imagine what kind of ass power she has?

1:04:29 in her asshole before? No. trying, I dated for a long period of time, was mad at me That's a horrible punishment. Hmm. And it just feels like there's something else in there. Yoga girls? Yeah, you have reg is are you supposed to hold in your cum? You're not supposed to have orgasms? I edge all the time, Joe. So you're probably also an idiot by the time the third week rolls around.

1:06:39 to hold in their cum just to make life more interesting. That muscle's so weak. It gets tired and fatigued easy like you can clamp your jaw shut for a fucking hour you get fucking I have no endurance I can do that. So you have to figure out how to stop the pee from the middle. Can you like flick it we're gonna ask? Just know you're talking about and so ridiculous

1:09:46 Can you flip a grape in your mouth? I've done that. I don't believe that at all because I believe that if you did start it and you got close to your mouth you would keep Really? They kill you. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to take those off. This is the lightest one. He just keeps chewing the Nicotine gum. He's been on the nicotine that I've seen people kick, cigarettes seems to be the

1:11:55 a cigarette, you know? He's like, ah, I quit for a little it objectively, like how many people do you know that were former Only a few. Joey will allow himself a cigarette every now and again, I'm going to have a cigarette. it's a much more casual thing I don't even want to drink this coffee now. Maybe. Like, I don't understand that. Like, Anthony Bourdain used to smoke. He quit. It's the weird to me that chefs would smoke cigarettes. I don't understand that.

1:14:22 at least that drastic of something. I mean, it probably varies. smoking cigarettes i think it's killing all sorts of shit in your throat. And the fact that it fucks with your taste buds, it's not surprising. It's a hard one to quit. You said two packs. That's a lot of cigarettes, dude. What's the hump they have like a list that's on the internet that shows you like you know from like

1:16:33 I know. it's so so much smoke everyone smokes right it's it's like so you get secondhand smoke well i just Eight hours, carbon monoxide See, there you go. What the fuck's his name? Smoke them. Just five years. That guy's way more fucked. They used to have that asbestos, remember that shit? He's on a lung transplant list from all that shit, And Donna Summer apparently lived, she had an apartment that was pretty close to that area.

1:19:58 So the air quality is fine. and the fire people, and Do you know if there's any new? Two dudes in box cutters took over an airplane and flew it into the Twin Towers. especially the war to Iraq. They're totally different countries, totally unrelated, hologram? How do you cover all that? How do you cover the news story? How do you make because they say you know they had the way it came down it had to be explosives inside yeah the the

1:23:23 How do you know? was a raging inferno inside the building. What is that? building is fucking collapsing it's fucking billions of pounds of metal and concrete and That is smart. That's the only time in our lives and in the history of the continental United States it's been attacked. fucking million people. All the Everybody got attacked. Dude, it's nuts.

1:27:09 All these munitions and all this bomb shit. of the actual place fallout what's that yeah right it looks like a zombie movie yeah yeah you can't that was when war was war man this dan carlin thing if you don't know anything about world war These people were fighting in trenches and shooting at each other from over the hills. They'd all walk. how they did war this this piece is uh the hardcore history thing he talks about the germans inventing these new guns that were so powerful they used to have to plug up their ears

1:30:26 I forget who they were shooting them at. You shoot at me, I shoot at you. Couldn't get away. Somebody found the auction listing, and it was just completely armored, but this guy was shooting like filming it and a bullet you can hear was right by his head Yeah, that really happened. ammo and bulletproof vests and shit so that was pretty much kind of the scene from that movie Heat?

1:33:36 essentially, and so he's shooting at these cops and My friend Justin talks about this all the time Just on Hollywood Boulevard? So now he's just running and shooting at cops. Yeah, I think so. He stapled this thing shut. I watched it on a plane coming back from Mexico this weekend. Yeah, it was kind of Matrix-y. It's just the Reeves does in this doing it was badass.

1:36:47 how is he going to get out of this? in the action scenes give me one pitch perfect who loves it haven't seen them loved it five thumbs up first one uh no i 2. Who loves it? Haven't seen them. Loved it. Did you see the first one? It freaked the shit out of you. You need to see it on IMAX because it was awesome. I I know I need to see it right now. Do you have it?

1:38:36 It's amazing come on that's incredible. That's all fake. Oh my god my my fucking heart hurts Oh my God, I can't even imagine what I'm seeing with my own face. That has to be, like, one of the freakiest... Wow, what a trailer. Sweaty palms. But because he is 100 stories up, you know that he's fighting every single instinct, They had the footage of him from afar, but...

1:40:51 I know. You know what I mean? Right. road was only as wide as this table, I could walk be like, what the fuck? You wouldn't walk fast? this fucking table right now and I would, I'll tell you right now, never fall. I will never fall Maybe. Maybe they were using two hands. But even they fuck up every now and then. and these people are with no wires Yeah.

1:44:26 that's kind of fucked up and these guys looked at the guys that worked at definitely Waffle? There's a Zeppa. Like, what kind of an asshole do you have to be to get on that Have that kind of a show. All jaded and weird. That was nine and stuff. Never seen that? Look at this. And so he gets back on. Right here. There's nothing they could do. he crashes into you with a bike and he just eats

1:48:35 They don't have a Siegfried and Roy type act anymore. seeing it anymore. Did they? They took it out? people walking around staring at them that's way more unnatural than a zoo Was it a cheetah? keep these crazy exotic pets. And this one guy Look at him. So he would give them that. Well, there's always going to be people like this. That's his Instagram account

1:51:22 Get off my car What is, you know, how does a guy like that live in this world? Why do you have a $500 million house? Yeah, when we were, I was in Abu Dhabi for the UFC, and a bunch of the guys went to Dubai just to see what it was like and go get some food and shit. That's just where they go. Absolutely. Afterwards, they got nothing. You can't even do it until you get back to in the hotel room.

1:54:30 that got arrested for having some prescription medication away from him on him, just a little. They had more than one movie? You saw that? No, I did not. We talked about it. Sex and the City 2. I did not see that. Is that a movie? They had more than one movie? She kissed Mr. Big on the beach and they got in trouble. Yeah, something wrong with your brain like half your sentences today are so goofy. That's ridiculous. That's exactly what you're just saying. It's like you're off

1:56:25 That's good. You know, it's such a concentrated amount I wish. Oh, those are the best. It's probably already sold out. Apparently, you're supposed to get 57. which is a horrible idea. And somebody might have blown it. so I get to put it on your... Which clubs do you work at? Are there good road gigs around there still? originally owned it and I never went back

2:00:17 They had to have a conversation with me about Joey because Joey was my opening act. It's a different level. regulars that would go there every sunday no matter what every weekend no matter what he's got a bunch the 9am So they got used to that. I only did that club once, and I was, It's going to be fine. You'd have to really say it in a way that it could get on.

2:02:58 I was watching CSI the other day, No. Wait, someone drank cum? so they took the video of that and they uploaded it to YouTube. Good. Because that was what happened. We all got fired because someone drank cum on TV. Because that was what happened. The ratings were really good. something happened and his windshield was obscured with like a cardboard box

2:05:09 attached to a bungee cord that was attached to a helicopter and you had to that your partner And it's attached to a fucking helicopter. They would get a PA to do the stunt. to the people on the edge of this cliff. She gets the key in. That lady shaved her head, too. That's right. When you step on things, if you have a sore They drank donkey piss and donkey cum.

2:08:02 Drop one in. Absolutely. You don't want to serve that chilled. It's just like tequila, you want it chilled But the actual taste of snot, it's not the worst thing in the world. I go, really? Like, I guess a guy the squirty stuff because it's like, it's coming Oh my god. Cheers. chugged cum. And like new advertisements and stuff Didn't you have a guy named Brian that tested everything before that they had to test it?

2:11:36 getting very dark from all of the about this kind of stuff all the time that's why they came up with this drinking cum thing I think And the network and the executive would high five each other. They should bring it back, but put it on Netflix, uncensored, and make it the grossest of gross. He's scooping it up like it's you boy she had diabetes she had diabetes and that affects your vagina oh yeah you get yeast

2:13:35 issues. Yeah, a lot of What'd you do? You go, is he okay? He goes, here, take this. You're always doing stand-up. You can't even find a normal person out here. You never get to see them. It's just that some girls are like, you're out You might be able to take weeks off here and there, but You're getting like $15. That's the fuck you're doing. Like, you're going to go out there for free?

2:17:00 People want a normal life. It's not a problem. a... he even goes, no, I get what you're saying. It's coming out of the pee hole. Dr. Drew says it. Squirting is his Bigfoot I just feel it. and piss all over him. lupus comes out of their body. Right, that's the problem. Because you used to say Defended the art of squirting. I've always said the exact practice of squirting

2:21:05 Sometimes it's a little wet right, but there's some times where you can have you could feel it about it. I've talked about this a million times. I don't have a computer. And that's another thing. It was a mixture. They are super confused. I don't think too many people bother that. I'm saying that the stuff that you see in porn that you guys think is squirting is water that has been put up there.

2:23:44 You're like, oh, really? I drank pee. Take it to the lab. Gosh. The fact that I can troll you so hard that I could just... It's annoying when people on Twitter my Jesus wording. It's not real and like it's like all right But I can make a lot of girls Don't make me throw up And it's got to bend up. weight down here. up north. He's 40. He's a grown man.

2:26:22 real. He's a real person. I've had some pretty good What's JimFlorentine.com? What's the movie? And then I just did an episode of Louie. Or take him to a doctor. Metal. Is that the nutty dude who fucks all these girls and has all these ridiculous stories? past weekend. He's insane. He's like, just feed me and fuck me. so it works for him and they're like wow a 35 year old wants to fuck a 52 year old so

2:29:16 If you want numbers, you want to put up numbers. They don't care. Especially an older woman. Yeah. You know, his move was never to go, let's meet at 6. Or was he trying to save money? save money and just be a complete dirtbag Yeah, but what if you drove? Yeah, you don't have to worry about that crap. afterwards. They don't want to stay. I just want someone to fuck me in my mouth and then get out of the house.

2:31:56 of the air, the balls just fly out of there. doing roids. Yeah, Florida's the party And it's a different part of the world, man. because I wanted to get laid. Wow. moving down there just so I can get laid and that's why it was the only thing now what do you It's a weird stakes, a lot of white trash and there's hot chicks in Miami to this rednecks all over.

2:34:00 Like Florida, like the South of Florida doesn't even seem like the south you Where were you working? It holds like 300 people. That's cool. Yeah, it was pretty good Yeah, I mean, Distress Factory. for it yeah i started doing my last one i did in a comedy club and i think more like a theater feel right for it yeah i started doing Showtime or HBO. They wanted it to look big.

2:36:26 catches like the first couple rows of the crowd exist when you go to There's no shots of the audience laughing. Yeah, they wanted that. That's weird because everybody gets like self-conscious. They have it set up for a comedy special. to raise or whatever now you could do it for fucking 15 grand, 10 grand, and it can look amazing. Yeah, Hinchcliffe did his entire show. and all that stuff and have seven different cameras. I think you could do it. Everything's getting cheaper and cheaper.

2:38:41 and then I would just have a camera that would walk around Like, what are you doing? He did his last one in the main room. But it seems less intimate than a lot of rooms that are that size. You feel like you're there. Like, he hits punchlines and a fire goes off behind him and shit. That's not a small production. I believe it was Sunday. I think so.

2:41:47 Yeah, I could see that. It's like 50,000 people. and shit like that. Drives down to the Garden. How come you're not? We've talked about this a bunch of times on the podcast where he hit that point where And I got there. about going to that because I had fucking just worked there. So much right like nobody wants to work here like this is they have to pay you a lot of money to get you to

2:44:30 Maybe an hour and ten How did he do? Tony's funny. They just get fucked up. So people flocked to there and moved in. Like California. You know, everybody thinks's a crazy place. But Seattle is not representative of most. Like California. This is California? Guy had a fucking meth lab in his backyard. That drive up to San Francisco You drive down and wish you lived here.

2:47:20 all these different Republican candidates It's weird. Pump it out of Houston. That's why Absolutely man No? Well, Brian Redband does. There'll be a new one, and I'll jump on that. Until then, all right, bye-bye. Thank you.