Joe Rogan Experience #669 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 We're live. Ba-bam. They bring it to Miami, and he sat on it for 20 years, And this motherfucker shows up, right, for this board meeting. He turns around. This is 86, this episode on Miami. That was what they did, right? A famous drug dealer. Look, there's plenty of examples like there's an example right now this thing called the Silk Road Now these guys are in jail.

2:49 possibility that people were murdered although there was no body there's a lot But I think there's been good guys, too. he really does seem and they get a group and they go, are making money, This is what we do. You're absolutely right. That's a lot of people you got to grease. That's where you set the wholesale and the retail prices. You know, years ago, 20 years ago, they would smuggle it 60 miles in, 70, 45,

5:37 Everything blows and your coke rises to the top and now some guy comes and just picks it up. This is brilliant stuff And they were flooding the market with heroin. don't have though in New York that they have here in L.A.? See, in New York, all these cities have buildings. just homeless people and when i mean just homeless people i'm talking thousands like there literally

7:33 It actually says, if you go on Google Map and type Skid Row, Los Angeles, it actually says Skid Row on the map. But we used to work, when we did Fear Factor. You know, they do make them in downtown LA. Sorry. That's alright. We would go to the or they have, you know, areas where they can get medical assistance, stuff like that. But I didn't see that.

9:20 Oh, yeah. more than others. Here, pause on that for a second. So it's kind of like a block. Kevin Hart sold out Kevin no one's ever been Dane got pretty far. Instagram page, his Instagram is He's a bad motherfucker. He's got 5 fucking K. He's got a reality show the same issue and the issue was the way great woods is set up it's an amphitheater so you're

12:02 So you're trying to watch a show. They were just lighting fires. I saw fistfights. my point was in the back area the green the green the grass area you couldn't hear the words you And I went like an 80-something, and then I went like a 90-something. Chuck Roy was doing a set there. They fucked him out. That's crazy. It wasn't like a guest set or anything like that.

15:01 following someone who crushes. If you're going on after has got to have very few bumps in it. But if you go out there just smooth style It was the first time quite there yet. a different thing. He ate his sundae. and rain. So you know he was disturbed Oh, he was his hurting soul. They had no mass for you. We never heard about mental illness when I was a kid.

17:32 I think you just got used to people being fucking crazy. right? Fucked up. Oh my and he fucking over the dog You lock the bathrooms like a lock bolt and we'd leave him in there He was sitting on a bar stool. he is. Then he'd just fucking leave. Hilarious. you should kill yourself. Well, I was going to bring that up. You know, we'd talk on the phone every now and again.

20:39 they give me you hurt you you got a boo-boo you got a boo-boo? You got a boo-boo? Here, man. Become a fucking angel. Had to get surgery. They fucking get you dude. Yeah, I know a girl that's going through it She buys a viking it and like like like I was talking dealers She was a cheerleader. And one day we were talking about dry humping or whatever the fuck we were going to do. We went i'll never forget this i was dating like maybe two or three months just on the weekends and i'd walk down to union city and uh one day asked i said what time

23:01 I mean, what the fuck? So I called her up one day and then my mother died We didn't really date. He's the one that asked me if one of my girlfriends killed themselves. I fucking loved that dude. And then then we could go around and hang out. that was the first thing that i noticed when i met when i met you it's like there was all these Where I can't, I don't know anybody else like you.

26:36 you know. Friends like that are so important in your life. Friends who? Yeah. He's got a partner. He was just a balloon. And he was eating. He was gone. Jesus Christ. He was gone. You know what I'm saying? He was just a balloon. D-ball. So everything on him was, he was popping those Diana Balls. So when I left, he always got mad at me. And he goes, hey, man, my dad died.

28:31 I got the most respect for you in the world. that was fucking you know the most hilarious scenes in a movie ever. He was the soldier of the year in the Army, dog. How fucking crazy is that? He was the guy that died young from steroids. By March of And it was like a secret inside his heart. He's like, I gotta tell you something, man.oked out we were both doing coke and it was like a secret inside his heart because i gotta tell you something man and he took off his shirt he

31:11 and they were sharing Deca. But there are guys that, you know how people smoke a joint? the thing you know you just take it from him and stick it it's not my game but i could see it Well, that too. this is I could see two guys shooting a needle me and you yeah we're in not in It was crazy. He came from another school when we were like, I think I was a I guess I was like a freshman and

33:33 he stood i mean just it was massively muscular and he went to a party one night in college I was like, what the fuck happened? He wasn't like some Ernie Shavers dude. So I had no idea like what the fuck was going on with this dude's body was Nautilus plus in Revere and I knew this dude in there who was a he was a I hope that look comes back. They tried.

36:37 And then you had platforms. It gets annoying. Yeah, for the look. Okay, there's a part when he cops at the gym. that world, you know that I'm going to super stack. You see those guys a year later, they have a heart attack. Yeah, I believe that. They go suntan. It's Sunday. Look at my bicep from just driving. Every day and we all know that person we all met a bunch of those people

40:44 the edge off of it. What's a Gavone? my whole day. So I wouldn't do it in the daytime. It always made me laugh when people go, oh, you're funny because you do coke and go on stage. You think I did that because I couldn't talk to people. And I got on stage in 91 for the first time. and went on stage. So I tried it. I had that coke in my pocket for four hours. Enough is enough. Enough is enough. So you would do it but the third show, it takes a bull. I had that coke in my pocket for four hours.

43:00 and they loved it. Oh, look at him. And I thought it was I don't know what happened to me Friday night. I was in that process. I opened up with that suicide joke. I said, you know, how did you get out of the crazy house? in the main room pot. I worked out. I went to I was fucking starving. You understand me? We split it at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

46:02 This edible turned on me, dog, like a savage. I kept eating peaches and pirates booty pairs pirates booty ton of energy I went in the shower I was fucked up but don't answer I didn't have anxiety guys this is what I'm saying to you 70, though. You ate too much at the comedy store. But last night, no. Last night, I didn't have anxiety. No drama. I walk around a little bit. I go into the VIP patio,. I can't go upstairs. So I'm alone at the comedy store. I go into the original room. It's packed. I walk around a little bit.

47:58 And I'm starting to get scared. Morgan Murphy's up on stage. Hold on, I'm texting her right now. It's like, oh, my God, I'm getting an anxiety attack. Now, there's one seat open at the whole comedy store, and now I'm getting the anxiety I get when I'm getting a needle, which means I'm going down. I go, nothing. And I keep looking at the wall. I'm going to faint.

50:01 She's about to call my name. I'm watching this go down. I get so Fear. I fucking went up there and destroyed. Joey, have you ever had that where you were either too stoned or you just didn't feel good and you're about to go on stage and you almost don't think you could have done it? and that hasn't happened to me. Everybody has. it. Do you think that even matters what it is, though, really?

53:09 Colorado, they have it down to a science. They're having, like, these big machines, 60 Minutes. It's so crazy there. And it's only been a year or two. Oregon's taking it to a totally new level. and I look at these kids' shots in a beer, that's like $100, right? That's a lot of weed, especially if you're buying started at the beginning of 2014. is that Denver run.

55:59 and a bowl of fruit. I mean, it's like a three. You can't lose for three It's one of my favorite places. Really? who the fuck knows, Joe Rogan? So let's just say the power goes to this side. He could have probably almost any of the girls he wanted to drug anyways, probably. Not that he was sick to the extent that he is, Just not a nice guy, and he was wearing sunglasses.

58:46 whatever the fuck he wants. just to get laid. He might like to be totally in control of their life. But how many years of that experience where you brought a woman to your room and nothing happened? Look me in the eye and tell me Tell me the truth. I'm talking about, you know, you're a nice guy. All of them are going to go into that room, whether they're married or...

1:00:52 He's a dirty motherfucker. It was after what he was doing about like what it must be like to be like a really famous guy who's really rich but you're but I hadn't considered it like that. Is it possible that more people were doing this back then and we're just finding out about it now? you know, who got a Mickey slipped into them. Rogan something. Can you get me the beginning

1:03:42 when he's doing that? or not to do the right thing or the wrong But if it's a comedy and you're joking around about rape, you can't have that. jamie did you find it's in there it's in there opening scene from the original longest yard is so fucking off color I never heard of people They felt bad the next day, but they did Don't you touch my keys. Dude, this is so bad.

1:06:55 Chewing gum while drinking. a cool car? This is hilarious. Oh, look at these giant, big, goofy American cars chasing it. Well-timed. Oh, yeah. The mechanical grip is nothing. He ain't fucking around, guys. Look at the pants he's got on. Drive his car off into the ocean. How did you do that? type shit smack bitches and shit to get a Well, you got to sit there and go.

1:10:33 where McQueen is chasing this guy. Is it sped up? That guy actually had to lay down. Because he's obviously doing some of it. He could drive his ass off. Yeah, he could drive his ass off. He used to race. Didn't he do driving did he do? I don't know. How much in the movie? Because he's obviously doing some of it. Le Mans. One of the craziest things about it

1:12:00 to these smash cuts and they're used to MTV it but this movie like look we're watching this guy load shells into a shotgun for like 20 seconds Well, they put a kit on it, correct? Fiero remember those Fiero? Pontiac Fiero? The guy loses the car and goes right into the gas station and it blows up. my first car when i was 15 that was one of my options and it was to get a army kit car where

1:14:50 They ship it over here with no engine. When they were shipping cars over in the 70s, because they wouldn't get robbed They meet down by the docks, you know? Yeah. $42 an hour plus overtime since he was in high school. But would they have? Yeah, mm-hmm. People are importing coca leaves. pack their mouths with it and they they have like a squirrel-sized lump on the side of their face

1:17:58 been around for a while. What Right or wrong? getting worse and worse and it's just not getting better We read online. And this was in 85. So they need, like, slave labor to collect and process all that shit. Uh-huh. over here. Some Chinese guy, They made synthetic heroin, yeah. especially the detroit area detroit is not as fucked up as it is because you know it's fucked

1:21:19 Wow. Who's doing this shit? But what does that mean, though? You know, that's one of the reasons why they mine the rainforest. What they do is they get these coca leaves and they bring them to this medical cocaine supply It's synthetic. They go, well, we have wanted to ask you a question do you want the original oxycontin or do you want melacontin It's like the same.

1:24:40 I was on a morphine drip. This is like 1993. That's probably what heroin's like. That's why they had me there. motherfucker, dude. Woo. It's like, like like like lightning bolts shooting when you whenever you cut into bone and drills like it's the other one that I had operating room, they put you on it. They don't, they don't want your leg to stiffen up. Cause

1:26:49 That is, heroin is simply morphine with an acetyl molecule attached. In fact, they're both converted to the same form of morphine when they get into the body. In a different form. It's enough. Like, the fact that that's illegal. Like, fuck, man. did it yeah it's crazy shit man i think you got to be there to really make a decision on that one and talk to people that have loved ones that have

1:30:01 textile use the uses as a commodity the use for making houses the use for food it cheap. You know, it doesn't cost a lot of money to grow hemp, they just can't grow People would riot. It's just weird. It's one of the weirdest It's not that. What the fuck? I'm happy I got felonies. He's a ridiculous person. I just can't imagine him ever. It could be interesting to hear him talk because as moronic as he is, he's still a very good talker.

1:33:18 They got him on that fucking belly band. it's pretty tough to take an envelope What did he do in New York? And they've been putzing along since 1948 doing new construction and houses and remodels. Somebody make a t-shirt quickly and they they would stiff him. And all these companies I'm sorry to fuck up your little... I hope Okay, a dumpster, the one that Johnny Reed fell in when he tried to commit suicide, you

1:36:02 That's how high the construction costs were. look at the locations. I never thought of this. And as soon as this guy moves up a little bit, they're going to go, He put their lights out. We got a plane for him. want to go he made me send me the resume to the guy's uncle and i called him we spoke on the phone It was that fucking guy, Trump. But not enough they got stiff, and then you go to court just put them under yeah

1:39:03 well he was he was one of the guys that was going on and on about Obama's birth certificate. Yeah. I was like this is nuts man. That wouldn't happen with Nixon. This is some shit of our kids is going to understand that gay people, it's What is really bothering us? You're a problem in this free world. That's intolerable in 2015. And she's like, it's really nice to see the United States doing this,

1:42:24 Russia, they pass laws. They pass laws against gay people in Russia. You were talking to me the other night about Cuba Russia Cuba Oh yeah yeah yeah You know I live next to two transgenders across the street you know so I just keep walking a chick's face I never had any hatred or anything for them. Some Latin American countries, it's just, but who are the biggest gay guys in the world?

1:44:00 They'd bang each other a lot. That doesn't make any sense, because that is the biggest gay sex organization in the world. But they don't want to know that. Who knows? Yeah. They've been doing this for so long. Wait a fucking minute. Look at that. standards of the church hierarchy, is no doubt It's probably a tornado. I'm going to sling some dick with a fucking priest.

1:47:28 this. Katie McDonough. You read this for them. They grew up on Cosby. Did they just investigate Jared, or did they have a suspicion? Child porn investigation. I love little boys and fucking bikinis It makes me furious. I'm about to go to sleep, I just get dark fucking thoughts. really you can't but this is our whole fucking society every three days we get dropped with

1:50:31 yourself killed than fucking someone's kids like do you know any people like you remember that That's a great defense. I want to say it was in New York. If you get there before the cops, you fucking win, man. Father shoots son. No. Oh, that's great. horrible revenge gene it's in my blood. They've always been savages. And my boy in Silence of the Lambs.

1:53:29 yeah my friend John Tobin used to call me Miggs They beat a guy to death with a whip. That's what I'm talking about. And then Charles Bronson He was the baddest you're bored. and it turns out High Plains Drifter's on HBO or something. No, there's a channel. I can't watch these movies, That's why they made them I got a wife and a kid that I worry about,

1:55:45 Once he hooks up with the chicks chicks it bothers me for a while. And he's shooting them up close Yeah, like on the way home I'll call. That heals your body guy lays you down all by energy guy looks at you and goes your shoulder bother you like god damn How do you know every week is like a game of chess with them really he lays you down? You got to see me doing 90 up Laurel Canyon after the eagle is loose. Really?

1:56:59 The guy's an old rodeo clown, dog. Jesus Christ. You know, there's one guy in each discipline. It's like a Mexican superhero or something like that. And that's what made Mexican. Inca, yeah. Very, very, very few. That's where all the Diazes come from? A Diaz with a C? That makes you think. So you have to think, how did Diaz get to Mexico? Like how come there's Nate Diaz and his brother.

2:00:38 You know what's interesting to me? Like that's a, we know for a fact about the Nile Valley, like in Egypt where the pyramids used to be, where the pyramids are rather. This ain't working. You weren't living on ice. two miles of ice and it's as big as fucking Canada or half of Canada or even a few states. We got to do something about the California the point where it rains zero.

2:03:28 And you can blame people all you want. We don't control when it rains. It's raining so much that there's shit water everywhere, flooding in the past month. Yeah, Westheimer. It's time. Did a girl really go blind, though? At least the UFC waited three days and shit with Jon Jones. What does it say? It says a woman said the debris cut her eye allowing flesh eating bacteria to destroy her cornea

2:06:27 getting some bacteria if you get a mouthful of mud. You're gonna jump in fucking mud like a jerk off. At least the polar bears jump in the ocean. They jump in the fucking puddle of mud. Stay home. Fuck your wife in the ass. You're going to jump in fucking mud like a jerk off. Those people that would jump into the water. feel like a fucking new man. I've jumped

2:07:38 It's amazing how well it like cures any weird shit. That's bugging you You get out of it and your body's like, Oh, if you sucked my dick in the 80s, you should have killed yourself. And they called her Lori the Jack. We started doing blow. I'll take them off. I'm like, red. She's like, they're green my underwear. I'll never forget that. She's like, guess the color of my underwear. I'll take them off.

2:09:43 Oh, that's hilarious. You said it looked like a bat with its mouth open. you know what i'm saying like i was treating her correctly by calling her a she then i got to the How you doing everything good, but we talked and then we went down there Eddie goes. Oh my god I'm going to date and see if they guess it. And the dude that he worked with had no idea what the fuck was going on.

2:12:04 Yeah. Fucking killed him. And then they just went they just went point they pulled the plug on that show we won't But that's fine. in two days. He's probably gonna kill people And the guy just freezed. Artificially enhanced breasts, right? No problem and thinks that this girl will be able to take care of my babies well. if they can already right now,

2:14:21 okay, I guess, is this a woman? And if someone could figure out how to do it just perfectly, just perfectly, like genetically, shit with genetics. And they're already doing this on people, she says. a woman like perfectly they'll be able to literally get in there and dig around There's an app for it. Come over the hill and they fuck everyone, including all the alpha males.

2:16:32 He's got a replenishment. You're going to have chips in your body that tell your body what to do. We're gonna see some shit, but he hasn't cut this dick off yet, Caitlin No? He still hasn't gone to the farm. This is a fucking trick. He's crazy. He put a pussy in there, and he hasn't changed his jaw. He's out there sucking dick two nights a week Yes.

2:19:36 him what he was loving all the attention he was loving. He was loving the opportunity to talk about himself That motherfucker jumped in Munich and shit. if she really looked like about gay marriage good for her if this is what she enjoys i'm glad that she can be on the cover of a magazine and But they she died because first off she had a lot of psychological problems that came after the surgery

2:21:51 What about Brad Williams? And she'd come out, she had the nails She had a very feminine voice like, yes, darling. You know what I'm saying? shrink three times a week still what was what was the big did she talk about what the big issue was And she died shortly after that You know? and they're going to start throwing it around like a tattoo. I get all this gender stuff, and I get it, man, that you're a woman, that you were born feeling this.

2:25:14 be there. I'll never He doesn't even know what he's doing. people. There's not people in. They're not Don't tell me what the fuck I know. dog, since the eighth grade, I can tell you were a dick sucker. When you see Eddie Murphy in person, you're like, the rumors could be true. Now, we go home. You know they'll suck a dick if they had to, if they got into a tight spot one night.

2:27:54 She was dating fucking Ellen. Okay, then. We're all trying to be the same person. the same tattoo of the Starbucks. They want that money. Oh, my God. Yeah, but muffins are much higher quality. What's it called? Yeah, and two sugars. Have you ever had someone look at your cup and go, what is that? That's what ISIS drinks. Don't tell me same fucking coffee. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It's the same. Listen, that Brazilian bold will keep you up for three days. That's what ISIS drinks.

2:30:36 Fuck you. And come back and see me. 7-Eleven, the old Brazilian bowl. Now they got it all fucked up. I don't go for Dunkin' Donuts no the coffee's too hot. No, no, no. At 7-Eleven, the old Brazilian bowl. I make the trip at the house. Why do you think I leave the Comedy Store so fast every night? No, Magnolia and Riverside. is I'd make a fucking pot of coffee at night.

2:32:12 I don't drink no white chocolate mocha. A fake on nature. A cup of coffee don't do nothing to Uncle Joey. This does nothing to me. Got a painted pony. Is it Chicago? Did you guys listen to the new Apple music radio station no Wow. dude, the little Chinese dude. Are you kidding me? You got to put the video on so I can show you motherfuckers. She didn't know who her father was.

2:35:35 And then her mother took her to see Aerosmith, Listen to this. I don't even know how it goes. Yeah, they don't like it. This is him? This is tremendous. It's snowing out Where's that guy now? rock and all these serious and the same money we get from what's that check who sends us a check No, he didn't have a badge. In a K-Cup form. What the fuck? You know what I'm saying?

2:37:51 Stevia could really fuck up a drink if you're not paying attention. Sugar, bitch. How many? It's a half a cup of coffee. How many sugars would you put in there normally? Stevia? Once you drink that Talk to me about that I'm good. It's jello. It's his tea. Say it again. I give some motivational terms. And Confucius says, and let people know that when I'm going out there

2:40:28 To suck your dick or to suck your dick. Let's get this fucking party started. Windshield windshield because it's in front of you or anything on your windshield so you know do that on the windshield you doing the dash go, okay, it's on. Here we go. We're going to work. It's like the fucking forest fire. Because it was too gross, I think. It's a six minute shower

2:42:56 Get off your fucking high horse. Until you're shutting down the golf course, fuck off. Nice. Sure. with a dirty asshole. Doctor had to check around. Fucking horrible. point like it's it's weird because it's still strong But it just gets sore after I use it and there's apparently some bone chips in there from jujitsu That's when we have a problem. They're taking two big tubes and a couple small tubes.

2:45:29 you make new fucking blood that's why women don't get heart attacks because every month they need scratch i'm telling you, Joe Rooks. Bitch, get a job. She goes, bitches are crazy. I love a badass bitch. Look at you, Where you at? I'm at the Atlanta Improv. No. Did you say the Punchline's not open anymore? kind of cool. That was the green room fought Kimbo Slice

2:48:16 instead of Ken Seth Petruzzelli's I'm like, dude, wait until you see what happens here. You would never see this Or something to it Remember people didn't know what to make of you. Does it depress you the next day? But then I got a hold of that shit. 30 fucking years. I just didn't want, than have somebody come to you Red Band would never be the same again if he found me on the floor.

2:51:08 It'd be tough for you to deal. This kid would leave the room. He didn't know what to make of me. on the floor. I definitely didn't want to die the fucking fact. That's how deep loved to look at you in the face and go, I told you fucking agents. I've had some you get stuck in that emotional state where you started that drug, I've heard of that. Okay?

2:53:41 Well, you've always said that it shuts off your soul. you still were Joey Diaz. Oh, I could still West Orange. That was what was weird. And it was like one of the times where you just really started crushing and Tripoli was like Joey Diaz is on another level down the back stairs out into the hallway and it'd be like two or three guys slapping their leg

2:56:10 His daughter just says yuck at everything. But I showed her some ice cream, and she was like, oh, then I was her best friend. out. Get your day started off with that. We'll see you soon.