Joe Rogan Experience #68 — Iliza Schlesinger Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Hi, Ustream folks. Sorry, we're off air for a little bit. You know, seeing as you're both Last Comic Standing winners, you already have an in, right? We have that bond. Unbreakable. Did you have to do the And all these people kept trying to come back that weren't approved because it was so disorganized. in a row because everyone that got kicked off the house would keep challenging me and i kept winning

2:05 And then when you get to comedy, I had never thought of comedy as a competition. Yeah. Wow. It's the same reason why Boston comics were so good. It's a chaos room. Yes, you're totally right. When you go other places like people are so much nicer so Wait a minute. illegal abortions. But it was in the basement Can we find out about this online or is this just...

4:23 I heard crazy stories, though. People are always talking about ghosts there. Like when they comedy store one night and i i didn't hear the story directly from him so i don't want to People see the same things. And you have to find something in every episode. I can't, I don't think you can beat my ghost theory, though. Well, maybe the ghost is recognized from the great beyond that you're a douchebag.

6:37 Ghosts that have a problem. There's like a whole thing. Sheldrake, I think he's an evolutionary biologist, and he has having a lot of negative shit happen in it. Or that's why if something comes out of a negative... then food has like a memory of your love and you creating it, people will like it more. It sort of It's so easy. because people fall into the pig styles,

8:44 I'm fucking in the theater But Is this where they make people look like horses? Supposedly, that's how Catherine the Great died. There was a whole bunch of freaks that found themselves. That's a different one. And be ripped in half. I mean, he was like an intelligent guy, apparently. Yeah. Right. was on the phone yesterday five times during a phone call my face somehow dialed someone else

12:14 it replies what I texted you every time you text me back. Some kind of setting in your text. You seem very Apple-friendly. Right. The iPhone doesn't do that, though. It didn't. I like if I just, you know, I use the iPhone more as an internet device than I do as a phone. So they found some tools that indicate that human beings were traveling by boat more than 150 and as much as 700,000 years ago.

14:08 They found tools that were way... I believe in that. It's totally the same. We were, like, dead last. american indian oh isn't that crazy we've been paying reparations to the wrong group well the But they tested them. They have the same I think they crossed that before 10,000 years ago. Just for no reason. About what would we do if all the lights went out?

17:03 I remember that bit. That's all I got. Let's go get a belt for you. Unless you don't have higher education, then you're more likely to become a mechanic or someone that knows about cars. I've had a check engine I own for, like, two months. Yeah. On purpose? jiffy lube is the shit oh yeah i like jiffy lube and 10 15 minutes later done my friend's car got

19:47 What are you going to do? Then you're like, listen, kid. car every year they don't really need. I will literally walk into a store, like a makeup store, and just be like, what do I need? Joe, have you seen this homeless man guy from Columbus, Ohio? It looks exactly like it. God bless you. defined theater of mind. And so when he said theater of mind, I just said, well, hey, I

22:28 watch Family Guy, weeknights at 7.30 on Fox 28. If that was a 15-second clip, it would be the shit. They just do meth together Tucks your heartstrings I mean, you can't have a kid and be homeless, can you? Eat a tire, too. how to change a tire. Yeah, no shit. Eat a tire, too. is like, it's like a tool That's like a dying sound probably though. All right.

24:25 Lexus to the main stage. and I'm like you are just spreading ignorance like people think it's okay to get a job and You're going to school I know what you're saying. I like it. Yeah. because you sound what i'm saying is i'm everybody's different i like watching people and listening to people that are nothing like me you know so i like I don't want to hear anything.

27:12 Who else in the leprechaun say yeah? Oh, my God. That's the hood, Shady. action more activities and more individuals these are the guys on the radio you have better parties But was there a real story? out to make the story of the leprechaun look like fallen birds figuring it out dog what is your She already knows she doesn't want this. there's anything wrong with it.

29:48 Like a duffel bag? She could have been put down. It's okay. Why? Yeah. You've got to set rules, son. Everyone eats at the coffee table now. We don't have families. No. Watch out, lady. Brian has got to learn to be Brian. He's a nice guy. It's not necessarily but with other people It's about the person And find one who's willing to be real with you back.

32:39 I get it. What's going on, Bob? the back you know where it just falls off i'm waiting falls off. I'm waiting for a rake to come right through my windshield. The bar, the metal bar. Thank you. I thought you were talking about the stakes. Do you guys remember the stakes, though? And I'm driving on the highway, and all of a sudden, I see it before it's too late.

34:27 I'm just going to drive on this fucking thing. Did you have far to go? Yeah. guy to fix it girls take 10 minutes out of your time find out figure out how to do it just in case I don't even attempt stuff in general. that you would not be able to crack. Yeah, ever. I forgot everything that's involved in it. but I forgot all of it. Yeah. I didn't want to say that.

37:01 Jonathan Winters. No. I don't know. Yeah, so you're from Dallas, right? Or do you know those guys? Wow, sweat this real name. It just rolls off the tongue. Darth Vader. It would be like Lance. I don't want to say his last name. It's like no matter what, like people are forced to think about the third right. You're being held back by a douchebag name, bro.

39:28 I think you just reinvent yourself as Redman. There's all these Redmans now. It's over. How about Charlie Sheen? Charlie's like, I'm going with dad. They should. Yeah. Yeah. The thing about Charlie Sheen is Charlie Sheen has like a hundred million dollars. Do you think he could pitch it? I know. Mike Young knows Tobey Maguire, too. He's like, yeah, man.

42:29 I'm going to drink whiskey with him. Mike Young travels with Russell. We should find that. I'll just buy it from iTunes. It's a fucking good song. Yeah, he sort of raps in it. I want to hear a song. Oh, it's so good. What the fuck is going on Brian The birds and the fish conversation. I didn't read I didn't even see that. The birds and the fish conversation.

44:49 And some guy, and there's all these websites connecting him to this fucking dead bird kill. They're fucked. Oh, yeah, baby. Come here, dog. Is that you? That's not the song Spend every night gettin getting high as a kite. Take me back. and the feel is such a rush. And those guys that sang that Butterfly song. It's Mike Young. Mike Young fuck my girl

47:29 If you go to the Underground Forum or if you go to the Rogan Board, those are two forums because they set up these ridiculous rooms no one would live like that right it's these from Do you have a message board on your website? Why would you want to just have it on Facebook I think she just Yeah, what is this web show? And how do people see it? we get on there and I just thought it was important

49:26 i'm not afraid of it fuck those motherfuckers don't let them hold you what am i gonna do say No, no, no, no, no. You'd hit it? gold digger, but if you do nothing I think that there's a market for whores. For no reason In like a legit fucking show I watch all of these I've been watching Beverly Hills. You've just got to let them. She's been arrested like three times in the last week.

51:38 You don't have to watch it. How rude. You can't be pretty and worthless. The wig chick? This woman always fucks her. Wigs. Yeah. where she had no eyebrows and they were painted on, I've never heard of a girl like, let me choke you. We were in, what, Austin? Oh, you made it sound like you were in bed with him. But it was just if you date a girl You don't think people are born with it?

54:05 With hot sex What guys are you hanging out with If I had to choose between one or the other, more than you are their butt. Just because you have big tits, No. that have like elephant butts where it's just like a tiny butt. Like girls that have like elephant butts but she was like three feet wide You're like, this poor kid. They were totally built different than us.

56:32 But these things were actually shorter than him. Isn't that their shtick? I say we like it was me. Napoleon. how crazy is that that's like a real concern in some cultures that men will go off the war and just like they are today. Definitely. What a dumb hooker. Maybe I want to explore my life. I don't know any Ronalds. I'm trying to think of any MMA guys I know named Ron.

58:59 My name's Ronald. Really Hers has a C I think What what Fred Rogan, Yeah, sure. Yeah. Well, that's what she goes by. You think she's smoking while she's pregnant? It was way out in the middle of nowhere. I mean, it's stupid that it doesn't affect the kid. That's all my issues. It was the creepiest thing a death cloud. They're killing from the nicotine too.

1:01:33 Mellow child? No, from the cigarettes. You know, some people smoke, and shit, maybe I should try it too. I agree with you. Well, yeah. In your house. Yeah, exactly. They will. And I like a cigar every now and then those 599 chemicals No, it's mostly spices. You know, fiberglass is in menthols is what they used to always say. When I worked as a laborer for doing construction when I was a kid, my father was an architect,

1:04:19 So I would jump in there just to look at it. There's no relief and there's just steam everywhere. No, no. and shit. But a huge part of New, no, no. Those are weird words. Newark. Newark, New Jersey. That's where I was born. A huge part of New Jersey is just So they just start fucking up people's garbage and they just bear? It's literally 10 Hey, what are you doing there?

1:06:21 he's a hunter. That's not the same thing. It's okay. then it's not funny. And then their internet is climbing up the tree stand. And the bear's like I would've been screaming That's crazy Yeah, asshole first. You know what I did used to do? And we would just sit there in the back of a Suburban and drink Dr. Pepper and watch her parents do this every Sunday.

1:09:00 It's like a cowboy version of Dungeons and Dragons or something. A little bit more What do you plan out? It's fucking weird, man. I thought it was blank. Dude. They changed the rules now to shoot a blank I think there was It was like set and enacted as a projectile and it shot him. there was a guy who I was working with whose friend had committed suicide

1:11:23 I never knew that. Have you ever seen that? Is this online? Oh yeah. Is that him? He's planning this? And then he pulls out the gun. But you would think a movie would do more. Probably not. That's why he killed himself. They just want to stick a tube Pull up twoguysonehorse.com. it's really and they found out and this is on the documentary? I mean, there's something going on that's not right.

1:15:47 This is obviously... There's another guy. Is this what kills him? Listen to this. The guy who's in that video is a guy that used to go by the name of Mr. Hands. Is that working? Blue. On Google Images. That's like Ebola. If you had your eyes closed. Yeah, you can. If a guy's barely turned on, you're like... You're still going to get as much cum as you would if you were super turned on.

1:18:33 This is disrespectful. Yeah, that's pretty sweet. Very polite dog. See, now someone's mad because I said something about Saskatchewan. It's a good way to connect. Well, there's going to be And it's your life. Someone's taking showers and shit with cameras on them and moving around their house with cameras on them? Chat roulette. Bet on black. She goes, and I went on to emily's my stepsister went on to emily's

1:20:50 I actually have a bit about this. Oh, Yeah. Have you ever done that FaceTime thing? Yeah, you have to have a Wi-Fi connection. It's the same thing as Skype, so it's nothing sexual. I've had sex with Brett Favre You've imagined it different You like to think of your superheroes as having superhero wieners. He just has gray hair. There's not that many.

1:23:27 Yes People get very excited Football though folks Like if they were airing it from their point of view They have all these issues. There's more body impact than it is head. in a football field, fucked up in hockey fights. I saw a guy beat another guy That's weak shit. Something gets caught. Oh my nickname Hit them with the sticks Love tap I got a red card.

1:26:12 No, but sometimes. something yes speaking of where you live somebody sent this to me i'll give you the address right You can block yourself. People are going to find you if they want to find you. I was pissed because they said my house was worth less than it was. So you could actually subdue a man. But when you do it correctly. flowing, you're not even going to feel that finger.

1:28:25 So you trick them. It's fun. It's fun. That's very hard for me. no just green tea green tea okay cool does it it's kind of just energizing it's got some caffeine in You ever had that? It's different than a business. training and I decided the day of I drink a Red Bull before I go on stage. And a giant thing of Dunkin' Donuts coffee, one of those big ones, like a 16-ouncer.

1:31:13 I did one of those things where you go to the What? it changes the water everywhere at my house. That's ridiculous. Yeah. And so then I didn't, It smells better, you know? You can see it looks like a cat ghost walked. I take so many dumps on the phone. I hate that. She calls it dropping logs. When kids find out what's funny and what makes you laugh, they just repeat it over and over

1:33:40 gonna say but if you could just be quiet for everyone else she'll sit on your lap It takes a long ass time of repeating a joke to get it effortless to the point where it looks for whatever your joke is just for timing's sake process and then puts it up on youtube and then everybody watches it and then they come to the Some people are just so poisonous.

1:35:23 And I'll be like, I have a bit about that. They're like're like i know that's why i just talked about that i'm like oh right That does not look like you at all. That's what exactly it looks like. And if you're anti-Apple where else can they get it? My friend showed this to me. It's a card. Like actual physical media, like a physical DVD or a physical.

1:36:59 You know what I love? It listens to the music, sends the information out, tells you who sung the song, what the song's title is. It's the craziest thing ever. Probably. What kind of hip hop? Right. Oh, shit. I'm a ninja? Zeph side. No. Yeah, yo DJ hot deck drop the motherfucking beatbox dog The person that made the video knows what the fuck they're doing.

1:40:17 Yeah, they're a badass band. Yeah Wow What? That's the only kind of music You't know it because I don't listen to the radio. Like Girl Talk or something. I don't know. for working out nowadays and switch it and driving too. I was listening to that while I was driving around. I was at the gym, and they have the TVs attached to the treadmill. And I was happy for him.

1:42:18 Those antelopes, they never do shit. It was a rush a fucking trip. Are they Maasai warriors like t-shirts and shit. them fucking up and so I'm pretty sure i put it up on january and then they spear them to death. Don't they just evolve? not allowed to kill the animals so the ones that are super rural they are allowed to there's no Could you fucking imagine taking a shower?

1:45:10 What you do is you just say, hey, what are you doing there? I would be raining. crazy that's a helmet yeah it's a. He's cutting out one of his senses. It's impossible. It's better if you can slide. Over and over. Just take your hand off the fucking motorcycle handles and press this stupid button, fiddle That has to be a trip though. Going like What's that?

1:47:46 reckless. It makes them reckless. in a field. Can she get it from eating cat feces? So the rats start following where the cats live and, like, want to be around the cats so that it could easily get killed. It's impossible to cure it. And they say it slows your reaction time down, too. They were doing that anyway. It's connected to places where people have a lot of wild cats.

1:49:23 Here's my problem with it. I don't know. like when they had soccer teams that would compete in the World Cup, be one of the reasons why these teams are so successful at soccer they're so aggressive and It's like an alien. It was like some kind of thing that gets you all. I mean, HIV, right? It disappeared. It is. Did he pay for this treatment? They give you weed.

1:52:02 I think I'd be willing to die before I'd be willing to let a Mexican doctor I'm friends with some of them, yeah. nothing you can do about it i think you were talking about about football earlier i mean career, because the end of the career is where guys And they keep going. So it can be, you know, there's a bunch of different ways. and they they're they're literally their body just like eventually just shuts down just stops

1:54:30 You've got something timed out. Oh. emotional and crying and hugging each other it was it was hockey players they fight each other that's what happened right that's what they used to make them do. Same build up, same decline. no i thought about that i've got like some problem areas and i was like maybe i should get the lap She just needed to work out a little bit.

1:56:47 You have no control over where your fat Yeah, don't let them do that. who are twins who became plastic surgery junkies French famous twins, plastic surgery nightmare. Yeah, that woman. Yeah, he's a little weird looking, but not like he is Yeah. Somebody should have told her, like, hey, hey, you know. It's called the Fibonacci. explain it to me they go through they go through challenges they each girl is engaged and i don't

1:59:37 her husband's marrying a crazy doll That was insane. there was good shit, That's when it happens. Well, I have no idea. I don't know. I don't want you you would be Just a light beating. I'm just now thinking about rape. No, because he accidentally Don't knock it to your track, girl. Yeah, he goes to jail for being retarded. has to go to jail that's where he belongs yeah you

2:02:33 A guy bends down on his knees. He was dead when the guy Ejaculated into him Acting out She doesn't Not good. No. She's probably going to start fucking you in your sleep. Once a month if I really push it and don't let her out How do you work it out? And she travels with you. No, you bring her on stage. I really lucked out because she could have been crazy.

2:04:40 Sometimes I sneak her on. as the people at security, nor are they the same When I moved out here, I had to move my cats out, and they lost my cats for like two hours. And besides it being so expensive, the vet told me that it's really bad for the dogs, the air pressure. It's even cold on the floor where she goes. hitting. It's a beautiful city. They're very nice and super masculine.

2:06:26 What happened? this country filled with It's on Joe's Twitter. with books. Abandoned police station. You don't give a fuck. I did a college in Olivet, Michigan. speaker that was on the other table and i can go back and forth in between the two tables if i Well, I start to give these guys shit. And I was like, this is ridiculous. Right. And then the guy came up to the table and he goes, listen, listen, listen.

2:09:35 Wow. And I was going, They used to sell you, Any colleges, So they knew I was dirty. I think it was keep them calm you can ask your friends I hadn't done one in a long time. you forget when you're 30 years old or you're 40 years old or whatever. Yes, you're right. Some of them, you know, know. it's a nice exercise yeah i think it's because it's easy to get a cry if you're in the middle

2:12:36 to hang out with, and they don't want to think about But I know what you're saying. But why? It's a must-see. I have to watch that. are fucking fabulous as well generation after generation of fucking criminals and all these different townsfolk It's uncomfortable when old people talk that way. on like TLC or something. she talks like this. reality shows,

2:15:37 West Virginia, It would be great if they all died at the end. You've got to watch. Did you really? At Brendan Canyon. What did you think? that. He's so crazy. Yeah. They're all crazy Yeah. That is ridiculous. I can't believe he did that. He had a... So crazy. The bull though? I know you want to be legit, but fuck, man. I guess, man. I think maybe What the fuck are you talking about?

2:17:27 are always the ones that survive Because he wasn't shit-faced. Because women were allowed on the lifeboats. Did you see that cruise ship in Antarctica that got fucked up last week? Did you see that? It got hit by a 35-foot wave, and it smashed the window of the boat and leaked all over the electronics. It is fucking terrifying. That's crazy. four to five months, I think.

2:19:10 They were caught in the storm, Yeah. It was awesome. Brian, pull thatick for most of that. Wow. Yeah. But there's, No, no, no. Cruise ship wave Antarctica. Buenos Aires. The International Association of Antarctica Tour Operators issued statement saying the wave that hit the Kuldildia II caused a broken bridge window and some electrical malfunctions that temporarily knocked out some communications and affected engine performance.

2:21:02 You know what? Some fucking wave. Everything gone. People don't need to hear how I can't quantify things. across two buildings, just looking over the Well, unless you know you're in a ledge. Unless you need the money. Yeah. Basically nothing. I smell it. It's in the air. cinnamon lotion britney spears is like a vanilla fruity like clean stripper you know that perfume

2:23:28 of Dracar? retarded shaped bottle ever. My fucking house Yeah. Girls are so strange. Take a hit. But the grapefruit, I think, is Not an aphrodisiac Smell my hair It's like my own thing, and I do it even if I'm going to be by myself all day. It smells like baked goods. I know you don't. You feel bad for her? it smells in the bottle don't get offended.

2:25:39 I went to college with this kid who was I think you're a freak. I understand what you're saying, but I don't think dudes should plan for someone like you. Every boyfriend I've had has not done it in front of me. Never hot boxed you? back when it was an oven. from Houston, and goes, do that. She's almost throwing up. hillbillies. They're a dirty part of my state.

2:27:46 You can get better. Yeah, you wouldn't be like, hey, come here, bitch. My little daughter's farts Aren't that ridiculous It looks like a dog shit If you didn't know her to shit in a little box because and you have to be well you're with them all the time anyway so human-sized. I mean, if it was my poop, Well, that's something that everyone did as a kid.

2:29:25 Or actually if you go to joerogan.net Good for you bro Winner of Last Comic Standing And and all-around badass bitch. You have a cool name on Twitter, too, because it's easy. And so follow her on Twitter, you dirty bitches. Twenty one thousand, folks. What the fuck am I talking about? Still some tickets available. It's great. Don't bow in the peer pressure.

2:31:14 And my next date, I will be at the Pittsburgh Improv. Rock the house. Yeah my road dog And thank you very much