Joe Rogan Experience #686 — Jeff Ross Transcript

Transcript

0:00 We're live? Good googly moogly, Jeff Ross. Push that fucker up to your face and say hello to the world. Somebody posted it up on my message board. Wow. Whether or not you're at black belt level or not, that's debatable. Wait, one question for you. It probably helps something. Oh, for sure. that would most of the time anybody that would hackle you or think about

2:24 I've been working with a bunch of fighters. This is all about MMA fighters. That's cool that DirecTV's doing their own programming. For fights? Do you remember? John Jones and Gustafson? Was that Vancouver? My jaw was dropping at the blood. It sounds like, I think it was John Jones. Was it John Jones? I can't remember, man. John Jones and Gustafson?

3:42 Nick Jonas, music superstar. two, three nights in a row, Look at his fucking stud. But he thinks he's as good as some of the fighters that they have come train him That looks like, I don't know what's going on. Get that right underhook. It's a very intense show. There's a lot of tears and dark. What's time to get underhooks. Dude, fight him off. Get that right underhook.

5:17 That's a new thing, bro. I'm watching some. Hypnotize it's like one of those fucking clocks tick-tock tick-tock. Oh going on. You're totally aware, but you're definitely what... because I know a lot of fighters have used it and had very good results. But I think all things said, I wanted to see if what it does for fighting can actually do for stand-up.

8:08 That's what it feels like. that you're actually entering into an alternate state of consciousness, You do? I just kept looking at her, trying to think of whatever the code word was to snap her out of it. he would uh this is back when madonna was hot it was like the 1980s. And he had some guy, and the guy was doing push-ups on stage. I think I would do it again

10:09 drive out in traffic. You know what? He's like, fuck it. and you're locked in, I watched Burr the other night, and your brain is filled up with their ideas. He's hypnotized the entire crowd. He's taking you for a ride even if you didn't believe weren't with him now Yeah, yeah, see to your car well, especially your style too because you like to fuck with people right?

13:10 If a funny character is presented in front of me, if someone's boring, wanted to be roasted and I was like a lot of a lot of people i think i said a lot of people couldn't When you were doing the prison thing and you talked to the guy and you said, times people taking swings at me or just walking on stage. I was working with Rich Voss at a firehouse.

15:53 Make fun of Larry. Well, you definitely would get a little bit more confidence heckling became more and more proud in the audiences you just more and more you I wanted my show to be more interactive. Yeah. You were telling me that you got your eye fucked up and dance with the stars. I had a scratched cornea on the last You fucking look pretty thin there.

18:39 did all day I did a dancing scene with Leslie Bibb in the movie zookeeper we I don't want to do it. Like 30 people dance. What is that? stinky leg what are you not even on the mic and you're not making any sense go put the ac on and For the first time. It's good to see you. Back in the... And I was on Star Search. I'd never been on TV. Named after my great-grandmother, Rose

21:20 Solid. I like it. You know, we talked about it. Like, Paul Rodriguez Of course. I mean, you were having fun with it, man. no i didn't know a lot about them i just tried to be in the moment and learn about them as i fucking a man I do feel like the show, The Ro the roast helped people talk about it in a way And the reasons why they're locked up, that's what's fucked up.

24:45 locked in a cage. And that's, I'm sure a lot of the people that you were talking to, a lot of Everybody in there is a human being. So now the jails have become de facto mental hospitals. But the food sucks. toothpaste was expired? They fucking hate this girl who used to be a guy, if you don't know the whole story. In prison for providing classified documents.

27:39 Medicine charge came after officials discovered expired tube of toothpaste in her cell. she received the reading material legally through the prison's open mail system. Imagine that. That poor guy, Julian Assange, he's still locked up in that fucking, he's still in that house in the, what do you call those things? It really is unhealthy. That he had sex with a woman, and then in the middle of the night,

29:53 I'd be the Secretary of State. and they were, you know, cuddled together and that's why they... No, it's not. So whoever did that, They're like, So they leaked the credit card information. It's a person. Really? In the women's jail? not as inmates right and make it the same way i would at a comedy club and that's what i did and And you said you had a real hard time trying to find prisons that would let you do this.

33:33 and he stepped up and had confidence in his institution and his facility. He wanted Oh. to roast them. And there were posters around the jail that said, you know, if you can laugh at It was very calculated as far as the safety of how it would go down. They can overpower the jailers. I did ask about my security if I had any special person or way out, and they said absolutely not, which I couldn't believe. At first, I I think I took him off guard they just didn't get to that but their assumption

36:43 And I talked to a lot of people. And somehow roasting criminals Right, right. Like there's an event coming up i like I sold weed in high school. And they had to trust me, you know, that I wasn't there to humiliate anybody or expose anything that was not just, I don't know. Right. The kid was just a low-level dealer. be a factor in the level of your mistake. So the dumb mistakes that I made with a pretty

41:02 You're in jail and you're going to be in jail for five, six years. You know, it's fucked that there's so many people out there that just don't get a chance. I saw guys 18, 19, 20 years old, been already been in one, two, three times. Their business is making money, extracting money out of prisoners. And there's a whole system that's because the prisons don't want to pay the guards,

43:19 It's not just, granted, you inspire that in some men as well. I was thinking, like, I want to meet a girl that, like, I'm like the last person. I just went to his Instagram Doesn't give a fuck. No, nitro coffee, caveman coffee, those nitrogenated cold-brewed coffees. I'm addicted to those little things. I'm drinking right now. get me a cold waters in there?

45:44 You know, we're talking about this guy They just want to laugh. So he didn't give credit to the people that made it. and it shows, first of all, they credit everybody that they use yeah so what i'm saying is an aggregator the internet either live at a show or buying their specials online. regulations. watch tv anymore and when i do it's a big live event and they're just all starting to become

48:57 Right. I think you're right. All the credits going to him So now what he's doing, what this guy who calls himself the Fat Jewish is doing, He's not doing that. It's just not open. He's really smart at putting it all together. when you have somebody that's jewish the first thing you think that you're going to get sued What the internet is saying is that he has a lot of these interns, supposedly,

52:34 Yeah, so it's kind of like a loophole. both of them are on Reddit. Okay. or something on his Instagram pages? We were saying, what was her name again? I don't know how that works, though. But you know what I mean? image and finding the time the original going to have like a block. and no working out. They're gonna find you that's gonna find you that's that's really funny though like like i

56:11 It's so fucking nuts Yeah. even if you bring up the subject I heard you talk about that already. Keeps you sharp. They like a certain style, and they don't like your style, or they do like your style. It's because they want you to notice them. No, because then they know you saw it. Why acknowledge some piece of shit? What are you gonna tell me? Wish he looked like you roast me on my Twitter right now Bruce looks like shit. He wishes he looks like you know

59:10 What were you going to say? We used to call it Flame Wars. There's a lot of what you see online when there's any sort of a debate about something And, you know, and she took him to court. The exact title of the video is what came up on my tweet want him to tweet at her. just sharing something. But I do read his shit. He's convinced it's less than 10,000 years old.

1:02:36 hit a cop or something like that and she's just there drunk and they're just You could definitely create little enemies, you know, by tweeting something you think is going to be funny. I always put it in my notebook and wait until the morning. I took two hits today. I really think that. for I didn't was even mad at the guy I went over to him I go you okay and he's like I'm sorry you

1:04:45 you know, but which was all plastic. No. he got a shit roll of the dice. like I'm like yeah just in case I might actually get paid for this. shit that i've got going on in my life it's too many i have too many things. This is what I think, and this might be crazy, um their their their job is more intense than it ever has been. So was mine. Like some people, they don't have the right mentality for it.

1:07:57 Yeah. Yeah, before I go out I don't know. at night by myself down to the water it was scary scary i felt like you're having a trust down there that has these old black and white pictures on the wall but when you when you're But at nighttime, goddamn terrifying. This fancy cup of Perrier thinks it's so fucking important and high and mighty. of an aggressive beach community long beach nah that's like snoop dogg's neighborhood architects

1:11:38 What happened to that? No. I can't wait to go back. The water was just as warm as it is here. a show about rebuilding the whole time It looks like the Hamptons or any fancy, beautiful beach. A lake? So does he stay there all the time or sometimes? Arnie can't leave New Jersey. Like, you could see, There's guys that are Really? Sports? I'm like the voice spokesman of it

1:14:48 Yeah? What's that guy's name with the giant arms, Jamie? This fucker knows a lot is that? Jesus How tall is he, rather? Six feet tall, 220. I'm an ape. That's a silverback gorilla. of those Greek guys. Zeus? He's pretty studly. with a fat guy's dick that is like Are you going to play your Nick Jonas, Gil Forrent gift? Condos. As far as, like, horsepower, about what they can do, the speed, coordination, right?

1:19:12 You can't do it. That's the only way he'd be able to do it. He just wouldn't have the juice You guys ever Did you feel uncomfortable at all? You're trying to get some? But if I do, I'm sorry. Enjoying the vibe. Guys used to borrow each other's jokes. I love it. Yeah, I agree with you. and I walk in and there's like a, He was so bored. Yeah, I went to this cool Samsung party where A$AP Rocky performed,

1:23:09 Rap. I love bad bitches. what studio that was. because everyone was like I'm like, I love you. I used to do news radio right next to Greg Giraldo had a sitcom for a while. We'd talk about it it and he'd talk about and all the jazz there was a few guys and closed circuit monitors whether it's at the airport running to each other at an airport. in that port and said you know we'll be here from 9 a.m we're gonna be here from 9 a.m to 3 p.m let

1:26:16 You know what you could do, too? You could have you do like you do like No, you don't have to maybe do that, but other stuff. Get your toes done? Yeah. Don't worry about it. I'll do an hour, I always eat before the first show and in between the second show. Really? That's what she likes. So like because you wouldn't have all your resources your body

1:28:36 Your energy level. million people you might not drink enough water and that night man i hit the wall i did two shows and over-caffeinating to make up for not sleeping and being nervous. You like it? In that you're bringing laughs where there normally aren't any, Yeah. so I stayed an extra day She tried to say, But literally a decade later, Buddy became a very close pal. Eventually the show went on, and it was amazing.

1:32:09 And he's like, oh, I do that all the time. with some way to get out of it yeah like i'll lull myself into it like sometimes You have an idea and you're trying to figure out which way to take it. I was having a conversation with Tony Hinchcliffe about this I go, you're taking all this time and creativity and you're putting it together with something you don't necessarily believe in.

1:34:35 sometimes you'll do a bit three, four times and you're like, I'm ready to abandon this motherfucker. You know what else I noticed? Yeah. And you didn't chew once on the mic. I could barely work a garage door opener. Okay. Let the record show. um i got the real mugshot from hendrix so that will be replaced with the real one interesting And there's this guy named Brock Baker, a really funny comedian and writer here in Los Angeles.

1:37:36 ever. The guy's 24 And he's 24. 24-year-old Joey whatever has captured the hearts of more than 4 million teens and young adults If you just google this guy's name the images that come up is some of the funniest shit ever because he he really does like Like this crazy Johnny Bravo hair. You got some gigs coming up? too politically correct You think so?

1:39:40 any restrictions. was it I Because, I don't know. I think people are just looking for things. No. What? Yeah, it's interesting. and throws a lot of pictures up against that are black and white. He's got black sunglasses on or glasses. I'm fucking completely colorblind, man. he's hilarious on these uh he does these interview shows and he's uh he's always like saying logical

1:42:41 And he's open about it and he's, and he's got a great vocabulary. and girls will naturally gravitate towards dolls. But unfortunately, because of some stereotypical thinking, there's an environment around them telling them are wired differently, have different skills? And that holds true, actually, for other bits of the animal kingdom as well. it's not either what common sense says, because if it were true,

1:46:00 Just go home. Because it's true. had the article in Breitbart about this guy He's gonna, he'll be on here in a couple weeks working something out. You did it professionally. Winning. Why would they want billionaires in the Illuminati? He doesn't show it, but he is. Me and Bruce Smirnoff. Yeah, Bruce and I on Trump's plane. We go down to Mar-a-Lago.

1:48:28 Really? And then I went up to him during the commercial break and I'm like, So he started smiling and enjoying himself a little bit that's hilarious that's what a what He's got a puss on. How close do you think he's going to get? If he goes independent, he could be Ross Perot on this motherfucker. What do you think about Bernie Sanders? Don't you think it would be better if we had less people that were uneducated in this country

1:51:22 They're fucked. thousands of dollars. Well, with doctors, it becomes a matter of getting people to have surgery. and like they were talking about it like a guy was talking about selling chevys it's like in in I would have never been privy to that in any of the circumstances. I'm going to work for an emergency room It is, it is. Why are you friends with little kids, man?

1:54:25 But did you see the giant rallies that he's put together, including one in L.A.? Can he win? He had to run because of all the scandals he had. It's me too. 67. Beth Israel? We met each other in New York in, like, 1990, maybe? Where was that? 27th, 1988. Probably. Is that where we met? Did it even seat 90? Charlie Barnett. He would do shows on the street.

1:57:11 Yeah, it's still there. Yeah. We lived in small apartments. girls who were studying and whatever we could do and find some weed and we would brainstorm and I remember there were riots in Los Angeles. and that style influenced a lot of people, and eventually, Dave, that just became one of his chapters. I mean, it was magic to see a young genius in the middle of the public just being him and having the public come to him, gravitate to him.

2:01:12 How old is Dave Chappelle? Is that true? Maybe he didn't get it. No, but... Oh, I see. I guess maybe I was, so he's six years younger than me? But I got a chance to see him at Catch a Rising Star. I think Tony and him Probably worked together You know I remember that And that's where the older comics were. Isn't it weird that there's a club, Friars Club, like a dedicated comedian's club?

2:03:48 It wasn't always just comics? When Milton Berle died, it kind of died with him. What was that like? I didn't have a camera on me You would just reach for your wallet like you still have it. Yeah. Fuck. I don't know. I've seen bullet holes and stuff. How weird is that? Because you kind of recognize it That seems off. A stripper. A stripper at Ciro's.

2:07:46 Those cars are worth a fuckload of money now. That was his dad. Fuck. Wait, so that's where the belly room is right here? Or is that the front of the building? Weird. Who's that guy? What the fuck that what was what the hell is that what is that guy doing with his dick is he throwing a girl up in the air yeah okay I think so. You go back and forth from New York to LA.

2:10:11 But you kind of live in a dream, you know, the way you do it. maybe i like life on both i don't know what do you like performing better Yeah. That was a fun show. Yeah, so fun. fun fucking love that but you'd be tied down then you have to stay here This is so much fun, dude. No. Never met Steve Martin. Is there a comic that you ever meet Steve Martin uh no never met Steve Martin

2:11:53 that conversation that'd probably be Definitely. Pull him aside. I got to know Mel Brooks. That's gigantic. we do? He's like, I'd like to meet Mel Brooks. I was like, well, what's your second choice? Mel! Sid! It's Mel Brooks and Carl Reiter! and I took him to the polo lounge with Bob Saget, like i just make sure you got the letter you know following up i'm just like being as humble and

2:14:57 Now I'm like, how do I kill our last day with my uncle? going on what's happening and i'm like i'm trying to talk and drive down this hill all at once and I go down the hill. Like, you know, he has certain rules. I'm like, that's good, that's good. two years younger, is on the second floor of this building. They know the same guys. you know, where they're going.

2:18:41 and we took pictures, Wow. Great story. That's a great fucking story. Thank you, Mel Brooks. on Twitter and on Instagram. Come see me on the eyeball tour. at the Ice House. Tony Hinchcliffe, that should be fun.