Joe Rogan Experience #69 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Ryan, playing it clean now that he's doing films, major films. watched so you want to be the guy with the the sweaty shirt with the gun tears coming down your not working. Can you stand to the left a little like comfort life comfort that's what they say i think there's no question that it's a sitcom That's exactly right. No, they're like, What's some new shit?

2:21 It's like the rock stars for the next 20 years. ego explosion in humanity's history. met in your fucking life. He's a rock Why? Because he's a rock star My man's a player of epic proportions I'd get punched in the face. I hate that guy. You know, I'm the best. You mean the ones that take goats and let them drop forever? fucking kill anything. and I've thought of you

4:53 because you and I just sync up that eat the water buffalo? Yeah. The giant lions. Yes. You conversation we had about those lions, the super lions in Africa that You and I were in like retard fever pitch. You just get so worked up about it that's I don't want to hear that nine-on-one call. Yeah, that's what they do. they're crazy. oh God, what was it?

7:15 I spent three weeks in Indonesia rehabilitating orangutans. This is about education. So a 200-pound male just got to be off the fucking charts. actually caught one I guess they've only seen Yeah, exactly. Impenetrable. It's insane. ants. They take down elephants, That's fucked up. I would never be on that show. We made people lie in a thing of scorpions, just get jacked by scorpions.

9:30 Right. Fluorescent green. in this motherfucker. Those are poisonous. We're just so lucky they're small. They would just do that. the food chain if there was giant flying fucking hornets the size of horses we would have never like in a big fucking I know all about them that came in and killed 30,000 bees Japanese hornets kill bees. like a scent trail on the hive and and then goes flying back to its nest,

12:23 and they can't sting it because its armor is too too thick what they do is they start flapping their wings insane complexity That these things were birds given our current atmosphere, where you got those crocs that actually That's as close to a dinosaur as you get. the bigger they get, and they tend to eat fish and smaller animals. Jumps out of his car.

15:03 preserve, American crocodiles. All you have to do is tap them in the snout. They're going to fuck you up. Shut the fuck up. some he showed me some pretty cool stuff i'll drop big names on this podcast if i want the whole That's what they're like. It was like a locomotive, just a bunch of locomotives just gliding through. like if you're by a boat and they're jumping up

17:57 And they didn't know that until they created this documentary on it where they actually have they sent out like warring parties. That's the argument against technology in some ways for a lot of computer scientists. intelligent animals that we know. Chimpanzees that expresses itself over and over again wherever we are? I think it exists. aliens and nothing well what if they you know they got to a point where they realized they had to

20:18 I'd ask them to do something about jet travel. Thailand was like 27 hours. No, but I played the owner of a strip club, And I really think it's going to be hilarious. Oh, God. He's a great guy. He's such a good guy, man. A practicing doctor. all these movies he was still he had a practice he was still doing like you know yeah yeah his They got stuck and then turned it around that much.

23:04 You got to practice. Nah, I'm going to chuck this in and I'm going to become a movie star. He's good, Dad. I'm going to be an actor. What? What are you talking about? You've got to practice. Nah, I'm going to He's your go-to guy. they're just really good people. It's seamless because of that. it's a fun, positive environment. to, you know, things like diphtheria and stuff we haven't even heard of.

25:06 You know, it's a... It's a trip, isn't it? would we be prosecuting them the way they're prosecuting us? Now, Julian Assange, what they did was they actually edited out When you just dump a bunch of information out, it can have repercussions. And the problem with that is that there's one side of the argument that says, look, there's got to be transparency.

27:27 The State Department has their agenda But at the end of the day, and they're trying to do good work out there. When I was in Afghanistan, those guys, most of A lot of people now are going to go, I don't want to talk to you, dude. are trying to make the world a safer place all of a sudden have a very tough time recruiting anybody I'm not working for you.

29:53 It's the question that was raised with the Pentagon Papers. There are also channels in our government to go through. saw anything grossly unjust. Joe Reagan, you shouldn't be here. It's really hard to find coconut water. New. It's like, what is this nation founded on? If you had top-secret information that, for example, We all assumed he had weapons of mass destruction

32:44 a large number of Kurdish men, women and children with with these horrible weapons. and we're going to war if this guy doesn't cough him up. is going to become so big there's obviously a fucking ghost in my office. Here's the final point, and we'll move on. George Clooney movie right now. They put some stuff in there. I know. He's Brian Callen And you change the world

35:26 That's what's funny is if you had all the answers, you had all the secrets, would people Unless you can produce miracles right there and then. It's called the good old days. Well, you know, they were talking about Did they know what started it? But, I mean, certainly I think one of the things I think it's a natural reaction. I think it's like kind of like before things were contaminated,

37:57 And we've got to get back to that purity because we've lost our way. Things were actually really inconvenient and really difficult. that controlled everything you did. How about that? They're just so ridiculously dumb Big, stupid drum brakes in the back. You had kids riding in the front seat with those lap belts. Oh, forget it. with this shitty piece

40:13 that big shards of glass he was the spearhead Yeah, I know. Well, Ralph Nader is. Ralph Nader was the guy who said and it's ridiculous invented the airbag? Going crazy over there. They gave it to them because they realized Maybe I want to buy... I like an SUV, and the other day I'm driving, And the fucking lady with the horse an hour. I'm not. I'm not

43:19 They all have cinder block heads. No. me driving, and all of a sudden... cord. He had back problems for a year. He's like, what am I going to do? does $3,000 worth of damage on his new car, running at him and he's like what the fuck is going on and they just do you see the horse he I mean, I live in like horse world. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. I like saying dick. You should smell that all together Whoa. The smell of horses and leather and my dick. Holy shit.

46:37 There you go. called horse hay dick. horse hay and dick? Actually, with a hyphen and then a K at the end of it. Dick. And I'm just like, who are these people that buy these miniature ponies? Yeah, and they're a great fuck. Because I would love it if you had a little show for me. They just wander around. You could fuck them, Joe. The mouth can fuck you.

48:34 Those flat grass stained teeth just a bone. right in the shoulder Horses bite you. it was because I got bucked Yeah, fuck off. He plays that poker I go, can you ride a horse? to it you have to you don't ever you don't get on it at first you you tether it you tether it to uh You have a whip You still try to tame wild horses originally in the Gobi Desert

51:23 from the steppes of Asia. the Spaniards. What the fuck was up When I ride I just rest it on its fucking backbone Throw a, no, let's go further That's why when they fall off Dude that's so terrifying Is that like part of the macho thing You want to hear some crazy shit? these guys do. be willing to drown You pump him out and rescue him and give him CPR and bring him back to life.

53:40 And my buddy was like, that was it for him. I'll wake up with you making out. They'd send you out with a spear and go, Jesus Christ, what have you missed? the lion they had they had done the drawing of lion king over and and and they were wondering Make yourself hard to swallow? Right. all the time. I think in Thailand, they will bathe it. and I don't fucking feel like doing what you're doing,

56:33 They pull the arms off and shit. humans in some parts of the world They're so big and so powerful. and the quantity of gigantic things that can kill you there. the rest of the world, all the inventions that have come out You're born in an area that's filled with monsters. on the Congo underneath them And they're hanging from these fucking trees And it's really fucking complex.

58:47 out of this raging, crazy sea? like a blade of grass they have an encyclopedic I never understood that trophy hunting. If there's a profit in your environment, don't want to do that you don't want to take some deers don't want to take some deer's life. You want to do that. You're going to be hitting them with cars. People, they don't want to hear that, though.

1:01:13 They're going to die eventually anyway. Yes, they are definitely beautiful. No, but if it wouldn't attack you back, If you had a pet deer, that would get you laid. Do you remember that movie Beastmaster? The Beastmaster was the shit. You took what workshop? asshole I was. You've had a bunch of Building some very thick wall. If you muzzled it. If you muzzled it.

1:03:21 But they're also wrestlers. And you can go right up to the glass. That's two of Brock Lesnar's, okay? I would Let me fucking eat. Just let me It didn't just throw it, but flung it. I don't know. That's an interesting question. I never get tired of it It's like all you can eat meat. was a guy with a sausage I want some kind of meat. I love that whole culture. All the meat people run away.

1:06:05 I love a little dancing with my meat. and that singing. yeah that's what this Because you're eating salad bar stuff I am there. Yeah. Is coffee better in Brazil? Coffee? Yeah. It's in August, so they have to figure out who they're going to book. I'm pretty sure it's locked in. And Toxoplasma. That's the place where people are But I'll bring it up again because you're going to freak the fuck out.

1:08:11 And, like, literally, testes swell, the whole deal. it makes them more sexually promiscuous because it makes you so aggressive No, you don't want to because it slows your reaction time, too. you reckless and it may even slow your reaction time that's crazy it's really strange but it's a Are you going to be able that becomes a brain parasite? with different things,

1:10:04 dead list and i'm doing all this stuff and he's like look at the little man trying sexually disgusted you want to i'm just saying that usually you're not in a situation where you have to hip escape and i'm It's really funny when you see some dudes that are like completely disproportionate. His upper body was massive. This guy just decided to just every day do the same goddamn exercises.

1:12:08 And then you get some dude who just has got kind of a thick neck and kind of like a big and your ability to push off with your legs. But one thing I always notice, and when I watch it with a lot of my friends, The jelly is good, too. What's his name? and it's really hard to take each other down. to try to take each other down nobody really wants to go to the ground anyway it's exhausting

1:14:53 I mean, it was anybody else. He's one of those guys that when he cuts weight, he has to diet for a long time. Yeah, no doubt. That if he wanted to give it up, he could have just given it up. I think when you've got a fight that's that close, And fuck, it's close. What's your call on the- Maynard adjusted really well, man, there's a few of them that were really close. Just incredible that Edgar could come back like that. It's incredible. It's incredible.

1:16:36 you always say wrestling wrestling and you've been wrestling since you were This is a nightmare. It's a mental thing. Holy shit. I always thought, oh yeah, I'm going to crack my knuckles That's the last of our phone problems, I swear to God. Vitor and Anderson. Yeah, it's crazy. It's terrible. Yeah, a lot of hard stuff happened to lot of hard stuff happened worst thing to ever go through yeah and then he's such a sweet

1:19:14 Yeah. and his jiu-jitsu is great now right it's very good yeah you know he's had like yeah he's had to become a really good wrestler, to become and to stay in really good shape, You're going to burn yourself out to the point where you can't recover. You know, like, Brock Lesnar made ridiculous money. legit stars that's the smartest thing the argument for that, against that rather,

1:21:29 Which is fucking Than Margarito Yeah he's a big dude And has never actually Been hurt I don't think Margarito's an animal, and he knew this was a big comeback fight for him. And walks around at 175 or whatever. I forgot about that fight. caught with his hand in the cookie jar that he had been doing that to people for a long time a lot of I would have banned him

1:22:36 even just proving is scumbaggy in your wraps. lights him up he's the greatest boxer ever. if you see what he does to all these different fighters. Oh, by the way, he divisions. I mean, how do you argue against that, right? I don't know. I mean, if you see all of the Philippines, in the stands Man, he's so distracted. He's seeing little sparks in front of his eyes

1:23:56 That's what I think is the hardest thing, Some people talk trash, it doesn't work. A really nice guy Yeah We'll be buying his albums who would you go with? is that he moved like a man much smaller than him. You know, they were all talking about it. fancy footwork and dance around joe frazier style but but but different because with both hands you He changed watching boxing.

1:26:25 and it was a fight it's like here's Bruce Seldon is that Don King see these highlight reels of him like some of those guys he's put on weight you're just a different I'd always wear black shorts and black shoes. Day is a grace. He is. And also, it's almost impossible no matter how much money you make and stuff, That's brilliant Folks God damn that's brilliant Did you see that guy that we talked about yesterday i

1:29:47 play it for Brian no but I want and gets you real horny when he talks. Oh, wait, no, no, that's not it. I remember laughing until I literally couldn't breathe. Oh, yeah, yeah. And Joey Diaz is on there. But he's a great guy. Yeah, play the homeless guy first. So that guy got a job now. Cavaliers. Dude, the internet is a motherfucker. Yeah, I've seen a few of those.

1:32:54 with a serrated knife. and all these homeless people are going to start trying to do voices. of somebody trying to drag them into a library. We need an act. Fred we gotta come up with an act My buddy And he's 50 start a band thank god you know and i would i i do sing i do sing um i've always had music inside of me i go okay Can they get and hold you on Twitter?

1:35:06 The piano And you only play Like the accordion Yeah, Mo' Better Blues. Well, trumpet players. Chicks would try to get at him. No, that was his brother, Branford. And they also say, and I've heard this from people like Harry Connick Jr. and stuff, who say that he does things on a trumpet level with the trumpet that you know was so far superseded anybody in the field almost and and

1:37:08 couple drinks and celebrate actually what a guy like that'll do is go i got all this new all this Yeah, that discipline, the adherence to discipline is so attractive in my mind. Where you in a way know everything that you need to know And message board messages the fireworks new year's actually roused them from their sleep and they ran they couldn't see

1:39:11 That doesn't sound right. Yeah, there's probably some, right now. But this guy just in, I think in Delaware, because this guy was like, but also how little changes in a lot of ways. Do all the websites end with, like, I-S or anything? and it freaked out his neighbors, in his kitchen and they pulled up floorboards That's weird. You could pretty much connect anyone from that story to that story

1:42:08 rain 52 times. Did you know that? Abu Dhabi is using. How crazy is that? the repercussions of that i mean what is the i mean how safe is it to be spraying shit in the it discussed from what I've read beacon of light if you will for a different way of doing things yeah they got crazy paper dude No? They've done it 52 times. That's pretty consistent.

1:44:27 But then again, we're also losing some control of it came to Earth what we're about to do right now. and they had like a global symposium You could fill the sky with silver and gold particles. In other words, they cross-pollinated DNA And that has far-reaching implications in the sense that for the first time, human beings might very well be able to control their own evolution and certainly create new life forms.

1:46:38 You're going to make new life forms with your computer? I'm reading this. You guys, if you ever Is it a novel? not just with disease but with bullets and everything else but um god i forgot what i was there was big money. So in a course of 20 years, probably 500 million animals died. If you look at psychologically they were going through as they saw this true holocaust sort of unfold for them.

1:49:36 Yeah. so fucking crazy. with people that were living like the rest of the world. but they have this fascinating photo of one that they found that's near the peru and brazil border that are completely isolated from the rest of the world. More, better, faster, bigger. either leave or die yeah i Yeah, it's absolutely wrong. The point is that the unimaginable

1:52:30 Look at the Iraq war. people in society who are willing to do what others won't do and and those people always government. You have to fight for all the things the them somewhat neutered. And you know, and you have some sort They're willing to die for their religion. you go, you go, and you You're all behaving the same way. That, I believe, is where Muhammad was buried.

1:55:44 Is there a Mecca iPhone app? You need to make a Mecca iPhone app. Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca. and I'm sorry that I don't know it, how could one man write all this in seven years? He was inspired. He never learned how to write, death. It's a shame because historically Islam was actually always a religion that was so open It believes the Old Testament to be gospel.

1:58:30 And that's what's so unfortunate about all of it. And what happened that fucked everything up and got it to the point where it is today, I believe that Islamic fundamentalism came out of the fact that the 22 governments in the Middle East are not democracies. But somehow, along the way, this became a perverted notion of Islam, where, you know, and their work with the CIA,

2:00:34 That was in the 90s, the early 90s. The Tamil Tigers, I believe a lot of them are Hindu, in fact. So a lot of this stuff, if you and blow themselves up and everybody in the helicopter. The Viet Cong were a tough group of people who were willing to do whatever it took to boxes for some reason that you don't understand. but you know did you live in afghanistan in Afghanistan no no but my mother had been there

2:02:51 to Lebanon. If I was a chick, I would be so in love with you. Because we really couldn't get out of the country. And I lived in Greece and then I went to Saudi Arabia. Like this Pakistani governor, in Pakistan, there's called the blasphemy law. I thought that was India, but anyway, problems through violence how about this crazy motherfucker in north korea man how about that dude kim jong-il he's the biggest a-hole in the

2:05:11 The elite was like, Isn't that the same in Thailand? They've always kind of been really good at figuring out a way It's amazing that they have such a badass fighting style you know they have you know most people believe the best stand Yes, I did. I hear it is So I could train See some wild monkeys Like, they were going to Mexico, Cabo San Lucas or one of those places.

2:07:46 One of the things they do is kidnap people that are trying to get to America. And they just don't comply. and they let the people free. and they've completely got arrested recently You know, If you look at like right connected to us? How about some shit you can where I think you have to squash the problem I'm talking out of my ass. How do you figure out a way to make it work?

2:09:56 you're going to have people who are badass motherfuckers Because if it wasn't, you know, It's like, it goes back open up a whole can of worms about a bunch of different things. say what you want about the Obama health care thing. somebody or whatever it might be, it doesn't go away. fucking lutely you know. And the real problem it's about proportion. How much

2:12:30 and give black people a chance to. What does that do to someone's self-esteem? Look what they've done with sports. they're saying, look, we're trying to create an equal opportunity for people. I think the best solution, if possible, is to go in real early. we've got to get these kids before they even get I mean, you start with someone when they're 20, man.

2:14:49 And so the question becomes, you're right, I think you have to get it. over and over and over again and in doing that it develops character and builds character and you He wrote a book about that. And I want to meet him and train with him. was based on his life, to win it Marcelo Garcia check it just and studied them and they go over moves And so he has Marcel Garcia's entire repertoire of techniques

2:17:22 and have a mat in your living room, real masters like Marcelo Garcia this is like a Marcelo Garcia I asked I asked me on your guard it's like there there's a little battle going on. movements. He's drilled them to the point where they're He's thinking in literally six-move chunks. is because he's able to chunk. And sometimes there's alternate endings or alternate branches. Like what happens if you lose this arm now you got to go to this and then

2:20:29 Be careful I've been here for three hours We really appreciate it But for the most part, there's a lot of really interesting people. Stop it, Brian. And I know that there's a lot of people out there that you don't have a lot of cool people to talk to. Thank you, sir. no no no i'm you save your seed i'm a christian uh save your seed yeah and what's the most times

2:22:47 Keep your tantrum. We're fucking fired up for it. I predict a lot of skull T-shirts, a lot of fucking flaming foil. interesting. It's different. There's nothing about me that's interesting. I'm starting a new TV show called Death Valley on MTV. Yeah. They picked me up for 12 episodes. I play, yeah, chief of police. It's a good time, man. Okay, but you shot a pilot already?

2:25:04 Funny and silly and, you know, we'll see what bitches. Yeah, it was really funny. I got the inside scoop. Funny and silly. Inspirational. So, other than that, thank you very much, everybody. We're going to keep this shit rolling, bitches. iTunes is where most of the people listen to it.