Joe Rogan Experience #693 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 worst you know that tommy buns is here when you start getting tweets that say my jeans are high That's your show, though. Look at this shit. And they're like, what do you guys do? when they do see us they're like oh yeah you guys like you know yeah we we scream Oh, yeah, that shit is soul-sucking. it is i talk about it sometimes that do you And I realize now looking back on that, how depressed I was.

3:12 it is for a lot of people still i did labor i did a lot of uh construction gigs my stepdad's an So I was getting splinters in my fingers from pressure-treated lumber and carrying bags of cement. I was eating fucking pastrami sandwiches for lunch. It's terrible. My friend's dad bought really, really shitty apartment complex Laying tile so you're on your hands and knees

5:28 I had a summer job where I was putting insulation in walls and attics in the summer. It'll always be like in here They're breathing in air. Have you ever watched, they had a reality show I mean, it's fucking nutty, man. I know the name. in they want to shut the mines down like and he was describing it to me he's like it's so worth seeing. Welfare and scams.

8:44 And there is no one that's got it together. I've always been the sexy one in the family. The one check the way she talked she literally talks like I got to hear this. This is such a good documentary. I said, no, because if you grew up in that environment, you would be them, you dumb motherfucker. Yeah that plays right before the special you know like a little sketch basically and we were shooting it

12:10 the cameras and the, they're teenage kids. This is L.A. to them. You know cartel kind of shit like you know it's face tattoos. Oh fuck Yeah, a lot man a lot. It's scary shit, and and and those kids were just born there Yeah, yeah. But the idea that nobody ever talks about what a real issue that is. And we have it in this country. Yeah. So, like, if you compare the extreme poverty here compare the extreme poverty in bangladesh yeah yeah i'm sure

14:52 How much time do you have? You just meet them and you're like, get out of your own way. You know, if you don't want to look at what you're doing wrong. Well, the feeling, even if it does suck, once you get over it, the feeling of overcoming that is so much better than the feeling of just dealing with it and putting it in the box. the whole thing of, you know,

16:59 like live every minute like a champion. send me and that company send me and they fucking stack up in my office now I Because I filled up eight trash bags, big ones, of just clothes and shit and cords papers and then like it's like a week or two later For sure. Yeah, but I had to talk it out like like i was on hoarders yeah with like my wife was like are we cool to get rid

19:15 I think it almost goes back to, I think it goes back to like Christmas, childhood Christmas, Do you ever return things that you buy online? might need this for the product later even though i never do you know i've never returned do you I'm like, ah, you know. fake Yeah, and then they're all like yeah faded. That looks like it's a natural faded look

21:38 The jeans for a guy, there's pretty much three things that are acceptable. and they kind of wear them a little too high. from their pockets all the way down to like their knees. some sort of a fucking jumper suit it goes all the way up to your neck and it's made out of corduroy yeah no i don't know it's too much work there's and then there's Shorts.

23:42 Thanks. Horse lips. I'm not critical of it. Yeah, I mean, you can get that dick with that for sure. Yeah. The guy who owns Bravo got in trouble for saying twink. like perfect gay, too. Like he's got it I mean, how long can a battery, how many dick pics can a battery get before it just dies? He should be the guy that they test all their iPhone batteries on.

26:13 He's the executive. Yeah, I watched the real housewives my wife watches the Beverly Hills one And then you got to kind of get caught up in the momentum of being on the cover of these magazines. um, so many people argue and insult and get like just mean and shitty. Like after one commercial break after you watch, you know, so many people argue and insult and get, like, just mean and shitty.

27:37 It's not like somebody robs someone in some sort of a business deal. fucking pills, you would know. Bitch. know what they, I mean, it might not even like at the ground. She's like throwing it Oh. I'm sexy. We haven't talked about it. That's like the guy who fucked his death by the horse. It's a horse dick. It's probably bigger than a horse out. No. Plus, that's like a horse dick. That's like the guy who fucked his death by the horse.

29:53 He said it's ruined his life. I'm surprised at how many people come to my show that are from Tijuana i really come up yeah you can come up like there's this like illusion you know like But every time I go, I always meet people from Tijuana. I do American Comedy Club. But then I didn't do the store for like seven years. Yeah, I think his first CD he recorded down there it's a great spot it's like the comedy it's the or in the comedy store but

32:06 I'm not saying that. Oh, yeah. It's something about the beach, the southern beach culture with lots of money, where it into concerts i had to suck some dick okay okay okay yeah sir yeah it is dangerous man but those I was in Miami recently. Yeah. I don't know if it's super. That Miami swag. Yeah, it looks like they're probably three or four sizes too big.

34:53 And then I remember the first time I heard somebody in a rap song was like, I'm sitting on 22s. Yeah, what do you got in yours? You know, like a Boss 427? Let you know riding on some dubs. And he's he's an ophthalmologist and he worked in the emergency room and he would show me these crazy Do you think that that's about I am? I'd be scared of fingernails.

37:29 Well, it breaks and cuts him open and then he starts shitting out these chunks of glass. Like literally they don't feel pain the way other people feel pain. pain yeah that makes sense to me and i also have heard about like the uh that sensory receptors in our brains No, no, no, no. No. and not to the extreme that those guys take it because those guys go too far,

39:49 Yeah. Yeah, but I think that had to have something to do with the way they were living they live crazy dudes push each other and so it's the doctor just talking to them he's like and he's speaking Spanish Not like Carlito's way? major motion pictures yes and he puts a blindfold on and lets a bull it's crazy charge him and flip He lets, he goes into like, I think an antique store.

42:30 You know I think it was where he they did it cuz I need butter bean did one with them where he beat one of the Me, too. Like, if Ralphie May lost all that weight, do you know how strong his legs would be? That's the amount of muscle strength that's required to do that Fuck it. Because it's too hard to stop. It's too. Yeah. Because it's too hard to stop.

44:19 When someone like you pass by a hot dog stand and, you know, you see the sauerkraut and you smell the dogs about the one it's gone like that place shut down but we would go there on return flights I knew. It was horrible. thing and they open it up. Yeah, they hire a company I'll take you if you want to go. They're the best chocolate croissants and it's like, yeah.

46:30 It's melted down when they cook the croissant. That was great. Reward yourself Tommy How about a little butter Lobster mac and cheese one of those like TLC did one of those shows where, I was, I can taste it right now. A legit Italian restaurant has a linguine with clams. and oh, Jesus Christ, it was good. I'm a big fan of it. You're starting to make a lot of money on the road.

49:28 I have upped my workouts much more. a trainer that will literally tell him how God wants him to work him out. he dials it back sometimes and I'll forget about it and then it'll come up and I'll be like, he's it's a tone of like accusatory it's like an accusatory yeah it's an accusatory there and then bear crawl back and then do some burpees I'm like all right I

52:04 And then, you know, the Holy Spirit kind of, like, tapped me Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's right. That's the Ka Theater. Crazy Drunks. It started right away. And they gave away some comps. You're going to have at least 20 animals. You were nervous. I went into it like that, which maybe is why I felt so good. It seemed like it was intimate. we're just adding tens and And he's like, no.

55:22 And he's like, and then after a while he's like, how's that? But it was the Holy Spirit that told him to have me stop doing the lighter weights and use And I've like suggested maybe I should get, you know. That could help a lot. wrist and strengthening the forearm as well. Those are really good for that. like shaquille o'neal must have like a grip of death like you shake shaquille o'neal's hand

58:01 one of the things that is a big advantage is having longer limbs. they have like a longer, there's more leverage involved. You can be fast and there's a certain amount of power involved in speed. Performance enhancing drugs. Yeah, like there are advantages just to being born with certain genetics are like those would you want? All sorts of, a goddamn thing in the world they can do about that.

1:00:31 he calls himself Extreme Elvis. he was trying to just own it yeah yeah that was that sucks yeah yeah he's fucking talented as dick yeah and he would parade that shit around yeah maybe that's where all the rage came from Like you got a shitty hand. I get my best hand. For now. Big dick pills, yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was one of my best bits. Yeah, that was great. Big dick pills, yeah.

1:02:47 You know, it was just like, Fuck you, but you ain't smacking the face with this dick, schmuck. The guy who figured out Cialis and Viagra, that guy must have made so much fucking money. Yeah. most the most lucrative investment ever yeah yeah there was there because everybody even if like You're like, I'll take an inch. so it's like get fucking all the agents in there and being like.

1:04:50 Yeah. and she goes what she goes how lucrative do you get because i get i'll be getting lucrative do you get? Because I'd be getting lucrative. Yeah, he's gay. Okay. Okay. They were all openly gay, and they're like dude. You're sucking our dick today, right? How lucrative you get. That's pretty funny. good ones in there there's some good ones in here stripper genius follow that on on the twitter

1:08:26 Amen, sister. Yeah, but some of them are but the good thing is they're all real like they're not like this I'm not following him into the abyss of the flip phone, but he's like, in the morning... Because there's some people's Twitter feeds that are fun. Oh, yeah. RIP Robin Williams. RIP Robin Williams. It's it's real weird watching other people's kids grow up too. And also here's another thing

1:11:28 Like we're at a restaurant and now when we see like you're sitting next to a table and he's oblivious like whoa what's everyone's problem that i'm doing fucking whatever i want Yeah. You know, a lot of times when you go to a restaurant, they have a kid's menu. Tell you where your kids are all the time, and there's a button they press on it where it will call you.

1:13:44 Wow. It's bullshit. Yeah, they could. No. If you think of something funny to say in a really serious moment in class, just blurt that shit out. was worth it to to make everybody in stupid class laugh i wasn't funny in school like with things i He was like 5'2". He yanks it out. He was in a good school system too. And everybody was like, like these lambs, these suburban lambs,

1:17:20 Like violence and rap music, no matter what anybody says, absolutely perpetrated like a different sort of acceptable mentality or a different sort of behavior they aspire towards. That wasn't going on when I was in high school. So when I was in high school, like Sugar Hill Gang was like the big thing. Right. That was like junior high school. I said hip. Hip, hop. Hip to the hip. Hip to the hip hop.

1:18:01 Right. But he just had a trigger. Mm-hmm and teachers have like that special place that like that's mr. people that would say like negative shit to kids and not realize the impact that negative shit has And I said, would you like me to do both of those questions? to a 14-year-old who, by the way, I said it the way you talk, and I And that got me kicked out.

1:21:01 So it was like he was flipping out but the kid getting big trouble it was only like 10 of us when this guy came in to like, I mean, You're grown up. But like, it still was fucked up to say. 16 to 17. And then you're trying to raise your family and everything on that bullshit salary that a really good English teacher and a really good Spanish teacher.

1:22:59 And then she would talk about how it applies and like what you're going to experience in your own She's saying we're having sex. I was like, whoa, this is deep shit. saying that like that you know when someone leaves you or someone cheats on you it'll feel like the high school i like i think he banged her a little bit as she's graduating too was he american yep

1:25:23 But I was surprised he was banging 17-year-olds. Did he last long there? I was like, I don't want to have anything to do with this place. you know, whatever your parents are putting on you, what expectations your family might have. in the head. Like I'm going to wind up slurring my words or something. Really? Fuck yeah, for sure. Yeah, so I just went and I did that for three years and then I was like what I'm just

1:28:22 I knew I wanted to do comedy, but I didn't know I wanted to do stand-up. two favorites as as a course you know so like I thought everything both of their schools are like Just off not off the grid really but like just away from Acting you know directing side of thing like if you're like one of the I could see how It's like on the cover of the magazines.

1:31:11 Monsters out there that are focusing their rage for whatever disappointment they have in their life on you because you're the chick on the housewife with 20 years, crime infested community is that a worse life or is it a worse life to be kim kardashian where everybody just shits in your Yeah. mean blog about someone is really like the coward's way out it really is in a lot of ways because

1:33:41 was pretty funny man it was really funny let's let's play that first of all i watched part of the video this morning it should have been edited i got i got and YouTube has decided to take out giant billboards on the Sunset Strip I've seen several. says let's let's play it let's see what uh their response got my kisha hair today you don't know Are you going to chase me?

1:35:55 crowd and nerds behind you? I can get away from you by walking at a reasonable Yes, because that's what the show's about! Yeah. There's a race card there's a disability card there's even a gay car a race card a disability card a Are you gonna tell the doctor that they're being mean and fat fat shaming you when they say you have fucking heart disease?

1:38:25 Big bone isn't a thing. Like, you know, I've. Hold on. Drop down. say that. No. Dr. Cosby. I was shocked. If I was him, I would divorce my wife, Don't work like that no more, it's hard to see. The God. There's full audio of it for sure. just find the actual yeah i'll just let you play. He was in The Last Boy Scout. and i just you don't hear him doing stand-up that much anymore you don't you don't hear of it

1:42:56 No, right after me. and it was really funny. But I think the sitcom world lured him away, man. That ran for a while. believe that. I think he could have been like Chappelle. They get lured into that. Mm-hmm. was saying that like I don't want to even have to compete with Damon Wayans You know we all know that that's the way that everything gets polished up.

1:45:42 That sounds crazy. Like, are you just going to have people like RSVP to my house this weekend, man? yeah and you record but it was you know when i was i never even did stand up yet so it Yes, I record ideas. See this little button right here? If I'm in my car and I have an idea, now what advice die And then he's like, you know what? 40-year relationships?

1:49:10 Some women did You know Talk they go Well the first time The first time Bitch how many times Did it happen a couple of decades ago. So he never was charged with anything. Right, but if you listen to them talk, Get out of here. Or why did you go upstairs with him? There's some that innocently will come up there, but not 40-something women. and would come into his dressing room.

1:51:06 Is that? Yeah. of news is that he got divorced. His divorce settled and then his confession tape. Wasn't That guy had $14 million? But this Cosby thing, like, Damon Wayans' attitude about it is very strange. wrote a book with another guy, but he was like, you know, that famous, like pull your paint, What's this? the other thing, the woman had a point

1:54:48 and Bill Cosby, who was 50 or 60 at the time, Dude. It's really common. That's really fucked up. He's trying to be funny. Yeah. He's trying idea that they're unrapable. That's really fucked up. I think it's a money hustle. Shut up, man. You know, people heard that about Bill Cosby. there's some there may be and and for them my heart goes out to them for anybody who would

1:57:21 Maybe the girls never told him no, but they never told him yes either. I wouldn't want to be him. success. Right now they're putting him I think we need heroes, and I think that we need to be more supportive be like, oh, I told him no. I mean, it's Bill Cosby. There's there's people that are inconsistent. I mean they do great Like, he might be a great comic, but also be a rapist.

2:00:16 everybody else that has always been the knock on him and to the point where I worked at a casino where he wanted people to tuck him in bed at night. They wanted all the staff that was working in the theater to watch him eat curry. A little bit of a god complex whatever it is Like, this is a silly bitch back at my place. He's giving him cappuccino with fucking quaaludes in it.

2:02:13 You're saying that that doesn't happen? Yeah, don't you want to get your own money? Yeah, of course the same thing it is Yeah, dark demonic shit, and then they're gonna blame like the have the blame beyond hannibal like it's like he did so stupid And Hannibal's like, well, at least I'm not a fucking rapist. right it's kind of hard I think that the guy is a sick fuck that's what I think I

2:04:25 Impeccable. Do you know that that is apparently very common? No one's doing steroids, which he did say a few times. Like his whole thing. Lance Armstrong contacted you? You're like, oh, oh, I get it. he was in college and a big, big time college it for him. He goes, I could have had my cousin piss in a thing for me. Everybody. I totally believe it.

2:08:43 Okay, which is the guys who are promoting his his event right? He's where he's the cyclist for the postal team Well, the thing about, I think, what he did, too, and why the perception is different for Lance in particular, make money, support their families. Yeah, I did. But I'm like, probably better just talk to him when I see him. reach millions of people and you can talk for three hours

2:10:43 He's a guy that was the poster boy for a living. I mean, he's a guy that Just dudes that you know are not Why would you assume that just because they're dudes that they're Yeah. Not the flip phone? Right, I've seen that, yeah. I want like, I'm trying to get lucrative. Lucrative. Thanks, man. Do you get lucrative? And he's only doing that now. Yeah, and it's because he's been writing so much writing on all these sitcoms, and he's good at that

2:15:15 Well, yeah, and then you go, like, I was in New York at a club. Sleeps upside down. It says he's only 43. be true. He won't tell you, though. Come on. I used to not get sir that much. Yeah. You're a goddamn man, Tommy Bunz. Yeah. You're a man about to make a baby. Well sir you're a sir yeah for sure absolutely you're I hear people go like, are you terrified?

2:17:24 I'm not terrified. Just, you know. kids when you're gonna when are you gonna like guys that I knew that had people are weird man some people they just want to like i have a friend my friend steve maxwell He'll put together these little small seminars. But he can. There were only comics are allowed to go there and hang out there and comics friends He goes like 10 years for 10 years.

2:19:59 A great dude. And has done that kind of thing forever. He used to have a show in Holland great yeah she's great yeah he, that mean he enjoyed that life Everyone would want that it even like at any point like I think that it's totally legit And if you're a guy who thinks that having a kid is the end all be all, but then your No, that's an old drawing.

2:22:42 I think so. But my belches have been getting stronger they're better now you're working on it. Yeah, I think so. I don't know I mean, I make sure I'm in there. Did I ever tell you about the first time I farted in front of her no, this is bold For the first fart ever. If I was who I am now, I would have fucking cut you off right then and there. I think she just, I mean, I think she was joking in a way,

2:25:09 Immediately afterwards Never of gal. I mean, like, I've been with girls It's different. Do you not fart in front of your wife? here we go. Boom. Or do you just kind of let it sneak out or something? Common courtesy is ridiculous to Tommy Buns. I don't get it that way. this big bulky bodybuilder guy, and these poor girls. That's out the window. I'm going to come in your face.

2:28:28 Well, definitely no intimacy. during sex is my line i've never done that i've never done that man some people don't have a slapped you know for that underneath shot It's pretty horrendous. That's a smell. What are you talking about? No, no, no, no, no, no. I feel the same way about college football that you do about fights. I feel like I could do like the roundtable stuff right now

2:30:57 Once you really get into it and you see a really good analyst in football, you really appreciate the way they're highlighting things for you. I think Kirk Herbstreet, who's an Ohio State guy, is the best at it. How it developed. I don't know, man. They've had a football team since sometimes like 1898, Is this something you've always been excited about,

2:32:40 Yeah, I mean, every year they're turning over, right? But you know a bunch of people. I feel like it's more genuine. like they feel now I guess there would be UCLA, USC, USC or USC Stanford the last few years. I don't know what it is, man. acquitted or they just have to drop the charges? commissioner said, you know, you're suspended four games and you guys are fined this and that

2:35:56 Because they also took away their draft picks, right? that he didn't do anything wrong or that he didn't do what he's being accused of. So a slightly, slightly deflated ball. Unbelievable. That's the last time I remember something being like, Part of it, obviously, is because he's Tom Brady, so it's like going back to the Lance thing. I've read a lot of different stats, but apparently it's nothing short of $250 million.

2:38:26 mean i don't have any idea what she sounds like when she talks she's kind of a deeper uh guy They say Peyton Manning can't feel his fingers? did you do that thing by the way when your kids were born were you like this yeah you banked the yes So smokes coming out of it because it's frozen before they inject it in you Yeah, everything's good, man. This is gonna happen

2:41:46 blood out of them like the Matrix. They go crazy. I got to go pee. You just recorded one. It's on Netflix right now. Segura character out there.