Joe Rogan Experience #695 — Sebastian Maniscalco Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Actually, I'm double-dating tonight. Big show! Big show! AG, he's fucking hilarious, but I always ruin his last name. One of them is fucking famous as shit. Yeah, they're on Brian's Twitter. Long time. i was trying to bring the nightclub scene to the stage that's what i guess it was i tried that once Punchline. You know, like I would wear At least that's in the normal kind of, but I was wearing Melrose Avenue snakeskin see-through where you

3:20 and I come from a family where my father's a hairdresser, My mother's like, the photo's beautiful. I figured I'm just going to wet their beak with the photo. In Los Angeles with the phone number If I was a sleazy casting director at least one dude trying to fuck you. You know? Fucking A, man. And this was like the first time I'd ever done it. looked good.

5:59 and bombing. late night show, Saturday night, late night show Brewer went up and lit the fucking place on fire. Just it went up there in eight plates of shit That's what we wear. Or if you don't give a fuck, if to get laid, you can wear that fucking thing. Or if you don't give a fuck if you get divorced, you can wear that thing. Fashion, if it was just men on the planet,

7:56 from the equation, if no longer, She will ask me to wear something nice if we go out like if we're going out to a nice dinner somewhere You ever go to those? You know I mean like it's just like it's $100. It's got to be good. I have crocodile shoes. Is there something that you wear that your wife hates But when you pull them, they're like this. But they don't make them with as much elastic as barbell, though.

10:21 They're ridiculous. They'll mock him. and i go first of all you're fat shaming okay second of all if you are not overweight i am You tie in your clothes, forget it. That's a whole other deal. Go down Melrose. So they don't really have those leopard nipple shirts. had a woman that had suffered from severe And it's just, oh, your hands get clammy. If you wipe, if you wipe, you are so fucked.

13:26 Mm-hmm. That's a very good question. That's a very good point though. Well, he'll go forward. So he's going to skid and remove all of his skin. If your tattoos fade, just get in the car accident. And he saw her coming up behind him in the rear view, like just going crazy fast. Damn, he's lucky he's okay. If you get a new tattoo, that's the first fucking thing people do.

15:29 right now. Like you've got a motorcycle. with a couple of buddies of mine that still ride. He soared 70 feet in the air from a car. And, you know, that was it for me. Park right in, hop in, and bounce out. And people would get mad when people did it. When I first saw it, I was like, what the? And he's going fast. Bum, bum, bum, bum. and that wouldn't be bad to just go to the store,

19:21 Oh, everywhere in Hollywood. You know what? I think that, you know, they're going to make them illegal. owe me money. So he's Buy one for three hundred and fifty dollars, so he's probably gonna make that like a thousand dollars and only have one brand They have a whole fake Apple store in China. USB port in the bottom of the iPhone? Like, they just make their own shit.

21:46 I don't know. You got to wonder. I mean, I'm not a sociologist. You got to wonder, Go back to the old days of rock and roll, James Brown. There's some innovative places in the world. There's some real good local comics, and they make some good movies and stuff like that. when that guy was coming to the store was like the main guy from germany with the hair yes what's his

24:17 It was always spoken about in hushed tones. years before you i was i started in 94 um at store, and it was just like whoa this place is dark like it was a gross He was like the... Yeah. knowing. Probably not as much, right? i haven't been on stage 16 years but i thought about it all the time and i decided to come back Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's going to take some time.

27:49 really do an hour I could really go on the road and I could do an hour and I If I find someone famous that you like, come see you. Even when you're in the crowd, though. You were killing me the other night. Like, Paul Mooney, when I first started, fucking treated me like I was the plague. off stage and mooney fucking grabbed me by both shoulders and said you're a real comic

30:45 I saw your special, your Showtime special. when was your special yeah about two and a half years ago 2012 so two years fucking excellent You kind of would go there and do your shit and then get out of there. It's the shirts. I was like, wow, that's a nice compliment. Like you could say the same stuff year after year after year and just not good. Was it getting slapped in the back of the neck?

33:43 I mean, you've got people that are writing beautiful jokes and this and that and the other thing. So when we sat around the table, which seemed to be kind of my first stage growing up in an Italian household. And everybody was kind of telling stories. So, yeah, and it took a while to kind of find that rhythm. on paper you would go that's not really funny but then you go see him live and

36:01 Joe, I took a comedy class. I heard the comedy store was the place to be. Sandy Shore's like, just so you know, I don't really get along with my mother. a little bit so i took it for for six months and it kind of helped me get off the ground a little My generation, Generation X, we think this, and you do that. introduced michael jackson those kids he molested allegedly oh yeah because he used to he used to

38:40 That's true. You're doing great. I went to Northern Illinois University in DeKalb, and That was his, like, moniker. what is that? If I was making my family laugh, particularly my mother, if she was laughing, I knew that I had some ability to make people laugh. 60, which he is now. Like, he's just talking. but it does. Yeah. He would do John Travolta.

42:04 But now there's the blurred line between who he was, like Andrew Silverstein and then the This is the Roots fanny pack. He goes, that's nice, right? Yeah, he became that guy And this is like my guy I looked up to. My mom was like, you made it. We'll probably go out and dinner and go out to a club, sit on the couch. guess this is what you you do this is my first time on the road and we're furniture shopping

45:29 Swarm him. and I had the night off. We went to the, you know, It was really fun. And it was cool. I mean, we'd have, like, long discussions at night because he didn't really sleep. Because otherwise, it's like, Daddy, come do this. But at nighttime, that's when I get my shit done. yeah and then Tinder You've got your own path. like why is that guy getting this yeah why is she why is she on this fucking

49:00 Like, it poisons you. Here's you. Yeah. Dice is the reason why I started going on the road. need those guys he goes you could do great you could have a great career on I had a show that it was a show that got canceled was called hardball that was on in 94 And I didn't know what to do, and I was trying to figure it out. Yeah. oh god i can't even i can't even talk to these fucking people they were all backstabby and they

52:14 And then pop pills or do whatever the fuck they did. who replaced Ray and then they had auditions and I came in an audition for They literally wrote a script that wasn't funny because they wanted to make sure people And I was like, oh, I see what they did. So I plopped down the couch while these guys were going over the lines. Yeah, especially if you hear it from the waiting room.

54:42 It was a terrible show, the Harbaugh show. Maura Tierney and Candy Alexander and Vicki Lewis. I'm like, this is madness. at the store, I was like, At the Oakwoods? All right. You know, you're like, you have these little things where you're like, okay, I guess I'm doing this. They just try to pull the other crabs down as they try to get out. Where's that at?

57:37 Did you put the sock in? Whoa. something would break why are you angry? I remember that bit. We're like, what the? So, we're coming from the northwest suburbs of Chicago, you know, very neatly put together So. of people and you're there with don marrera judging you and tony hinchcliffe and sarah They can have like professional comed comedians dissect what they're doing

1:01:00 are all comics. Those are brutal. I mean, it's kind of practice in a way. They charge you? i've ever had that almost i'm almost done with the iPhone after this phone. Really? be like, hey, I gotta remember to eat this dick. And it's got a feature in the camera where you can just broadcast right to YouTube. Way better than the edge this this is I love this what's better

1:03:42 It seems smaller than an iPhone, too. Yeah, it's great. though. It was the first time that Samsung I love T-Mobile. It's one after the other. Oh, yeah. Even if you're not single, you're not married. Right now it's illegal. Just say you can't do it. Screen Capture where So you could have a whole JPEG saved to your gallery. Annoying? You never use the pen?

1:07:21 just set it on this table and then pick it up. So I don't have to plug it in anymore. Do you have to put a special case on it to use that fast charge He was doing where he would buy something like buy a camera and then he would review it and then put up a link And then so they just took all. Fuck. Look it up. What's that called? Completely destroying the cable industry

1:10:02 That alone is just I mean, anything with drugs, voiceover, a guy with a mustache. Yeah. Look at that girl's ass. That can't be real, right? Did you see the pet leopard? It's nuts. Look, he's got a pet leopard on his bed. Yeah, yeah, there's all drug money. Wow. Look at that up there. Wow, yeah. That's perfect. Look at that girl's ass. I was in Vegas last week, I saw a lot of fake asses. Girls are getting carried away. That's the new ass. But whatever. There's a lot of that lately. Yeah. I was in Vegas last week.

1:13:40 You have the legs of a lazy girl and the ass of a fucking major league pulled It pulls your cup holder off and it fits right in place, and then it's a it's like an actual click in holster for the gun When I was a kid, I mean, shit, man, fucking 15 years ago, you used to be able to go to Cancun, you go to Mexico, like that crazy fucker that got out of jail by digging a tunnel that's a mile long with an electric scooter inside of it.

1:15:38 Beautiful tunnel, too. So once he got in there, he was gone. All she wrote. Does the usage spike? No. Not according to other countries not according to Portugal Portugal? for kids. You know, nothing. All that stuff should be illegal for growing minds I think smoking is terrible all these things are there's a lot of things that are terrible for you pills popping pills are terrible for

1:18:51 Those tobacco companies lied about nicotine being addictive, You know, I'll try to talk you out of it if you're my friend. make illegal. Especially prostitution But as soon as she starts getting paid for that, Exactly. You take a girl out to dinner and she I know a lot of models that get paid to, like, they'll get 20 models, take them, send them to a party,

1:20:50 It's stupid. It's a service. The girl that we were talking about, that Tommy Bunz and I was talking about, Who lets guys fuck him. He's gay for pay. If you were gay, you would love it. That's all it is. But some girl who just wants to get lucrative. that nobody else has what is that is it the only? It's got a glass tip on it. I feel like you got stuff that nobody else has.

1:23:53 You get high just smelling that joint. You never used to do this, right? You never used to be a pot guy. You smoke pot every day? Let's take a hit and see what happens He'll drive right to Melrose You do it, you and the wife. everything i got it all here what do you want you tell me can i get like a little how high do you These are the shit right here.

1:26:04 Don't get crazy, though. What's that? Toast in the morning? I think it's the new one. That's the size piece you want to try. Wow. I was doing so good. great. I have no problems. It's so good. And when I do eat it, it's a problem. But I have a bowl of pasta. Unlimited bread sticks. I've cut mine in half in the last two weeks so like 50 60 drinks a week 70 to 80 drinks

1:30:29 Fuck it. You've got to get off the cancer sticks, kid. But no, and then being out of it, got the girls ready for school Yeah. You know what though, man? Jesus, that man has good products. It smells like strawberries. weed came your way you took what you got fucking kids in that glass tips i got a glass tip i'll when I listen to it now I'm like wow my voice is all

1:33:25 called the Union which is all about the the business of marijuana in British Columbia and how it's so such a part of the economy if you pulled weed out of Interocular pressure reliever, Drew I call this addiction nonsense no physical addiction properties in marijuana Like that with food. Yeah with the foot You can do whatever you want. Open and free.

1:35:58 Your fingernail. I thought it was just ecstasy, but it was acid and ecstasy. How come what you did is illegal? We were just like, ah. Come on, Joe. It's because it's just like truth serum. I've always had a fear of doing any of these things because I feel the time I do it, my body reacts to it, And that was that's that's the end of that if you get crazy. You'll take a shot of Jack. I like yeah, like Patron

1:38:08 No. Only once? Yeah. And I'm like sweating. A little Cabernet. Don't listen to him. That's the standard. Cut that size of a piece off. yeah why didn't you just have one hit if you don't smoke weed and you get into this California shit that Gino's pushing, You know, the combination of the sensory deprivation tank and then the weed together. i'm slumping i feel like i'm i'm like devolving do you live in the city where do you live i live

1:41:16 Hot yoga. to what you get when you do hot yoga because when i do that shit i'm high for like the rest of the Yeah, especially as you get older. Yeah, just smell like butt in there though. Is it just a butts everywhere? Oh, there's some pretty girls. You know and a lot of people they don't work on that Yeah. It was just miserable. if you could step outside yourself,

1:44:07 You don't pay your taxes. Exactly it's yeah, I don't have a staff. I have nobody I just staff I don't want to be like filing papers and like getting you know doing all this crap this guy was a fucking waitress It's actually relaxing that. It's nice. because you can't leave because you have to do the road. and I would have kept my car unbelievably clean.

1:47:01 I like being clean. Upstairs, it's a showpiece. I had an aunt, you walk in, you didn't even go up, they had like a rope. Wow. What kind of car? Then in the morning... Everybody does. They have like a scent that you can plug in. That's a great idea. Whatever it is. It is a great idea. As could smell it in you're inhaling it Yeah, do they smell good what does yeah

1:50:51 No. I smell like a man. I've often heard this. Person's fucking crazy you don't want to do that I got to get out of here. I've done that. Wow. That's in the middle of nowhere, man. Who are you with? and Brian's show Two secret guests. And that's it, you fucks. We'll see you guys next week and It's Tony Hinchcliffe, Mark Serratella, and Secret Guest. Two Secret Guests.