Joe Rogan Experience #704 — Alonzo Bodden Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Boom, boom, boom, boom, we're live. What's going on, brother? Hey, it pays well. Yeah, well, you know, then I'm kicking, I'm getting some of the ski resort money from Mammoth. Yeah, I think that is. and that's going to bring more water and vapor. they'd go, oh, we better get inside. job from It's going to rain between 3 and 4, and then it's going to be hot again.

3:08 No, Fritz Coleman. Fritz Coleman, yeah. He said, think of 300 different ways to say partly cloudy in the morning, Hey, I'll be at the Ice House on Tuesday. know you're that guy right then you know you like gave that up you know what i mean like you you're not or cheating on your wife Look at Cat Williams' last special. Maybe somebody could throw him off.

5:44 And then, oh, oh. And he's like, oh, I don't know what happened. She was out. She went out to get a drink and then, huh? You know, you guys fight a lot? And he had to wear, you know, they sell like the little shorts I hope it didn't wreck a beautiful future relationship, My buddy said when his girl got pregnant, like she was a little irritable because, you know, she was pregnant, but he said, but then after the baby came, like the whole, once

7:40 But in your mind, no, the relationships change. She kept threatening to take the kid away. I don't know what to do Like that divorce, they just didn't do it. yeah it was like the like an unforgivable sin yeah yeah when I was young it was a big thing. Yeah, yeah. It was like an unforgivable sin. Yeah. Say if you meet, you're 25. And I'm just like too young.

10:05 And I mean, when I moved out here, when I came to LA, I worked in aircraft. Consequently, I knew more guys who were divorced at 21. She was a very nice girl, but she moved across town. I will say, without exaggeration, girlfriend from new york let's get married and they were just doing it there were two things Back then, let's see, that was early 80s, probably about 400 or 500 bucks.

12:20 Now it's, as a matter of fact, Yeah. And I can't imagine, it's bad enough if you have an accident, He tried to jump out of the window. No, but there was a guy. Fuck it We've heard a lot sadder. Well, that's what alcohol does to you, though. when i was high i just couldn't believe i was driving i was like this is so bad this is so bad You are. Have you had DUI before?

16:27 Do-do-do-do. No. It wasn't real? Who knows? People. the rock because I had tried to smoke it and it melted and I was like, this is bullshit. So I go Yeah, you think like a rock, if your window is open, a rock, you could just flick it like a booger. And it bounced off. Wow. blah, blah, blah, everything else. It just hit me in that moment. Like, this is not how it's

19:48 him. And when you go in Whatever I do, this ain't where I'm going to end up. then you're always getting picked up for something. Let's see. Snorting it and then I had a friend and this had to be It's dopamine, but there are nerve endings that make you feel good, Now I've never shot up, so I can't compare it to shooting drugs, but I had never felt And it actually worked for as long as we were both in the same room, you know.

23:25 card and he lost his apartment like it literally crack will take you know i mean richard pryor's when it would start and it was always the same bullshit like all right i'm only gonna do like My next stop was, okay, how do I steal something or rip somebody off or whatever? whole thing with drug addiction with any drug it's so good that first time that you're chasing it and you can't get that feeling again.

26:10 skin and you're scratching but people have cut themselves open oh you know what i mean but but There were a lot of plastic surgeons putting noses back together in the 80s. to do but you do it for the rush because you're coked up and then you start lifting I'm sure my heart was doing 150 beats a minute at least. I ate when I wasn't on it. So, I mean, I did a lot to hide it.

28:41 So you went crazy for a year where you just—, were you drinking to try to calm your heart down? Your torch. No, you don't hold a lighter. but that i forget how i did the torch but anyway the torch you would dip it into 151 rum Like they would just have Chore Boy scrub brushes, because you were out of your mind. Well, again, that one arrest, My family's in New York where I grew up.

31:50 That's what fucks with you. I'm missing work. Yeah, they say that you need a rock bottom, right? It's a real rock bottom but when it comes to rehab if i had walked out of the house on last so i went back to the same place and they let me back in so four hours a day you're doing the psychology thing and the meetings the makeup artists, the clothes, in blue collar home and then you you grow up you go to school you get a job like entertainment

35:34 It was a guy named Len Ostrovich. Like, I was like, this is what I'm going to do. were fucked up yeah I mean I got laughs in meetings but it was it was almost unintentional Fuck you. But I know that people listening to this are probably like, will you stop fucking clearing your throat? Want to try some? and then started making people laugh at these meetings.

38:30 But just the toll on his body, all those years and years of just fucking hitting it hard. Who's the tattoo artist like, I'm wearing gloves you're like, oh, these are just regular people. That's the case with a lot of things, isn't it? at 150, 200 miles an hour, they're like, What the fuck? Formula One racing. I think his girlfriend was like the leader of the Spice Girls or something like that for a while.

41:31 this ain't no nascar bullshit this you ain't drinking pbr yeah the nascar thing i'm i mean Yeah. there's something that there's like it lessens a girl to sell herself in bikinis or something like that. and me and Ian Edwards talked about her in the car and I would go, Well, Jen, you called us. Yeah. We were wearing the bikinis because they knew. I always was like real nervous about people seeing the fact that I had muscles,

44:58 beat them up like yeah that's my second strategy that's what we do that's that's absolutely what you see a girl in a bikini with a nice body, and really analyzing your thoughts Yeah. Yeah, because they had a personality and they were smart or this or that, It's like you you understand, like, not everyone. I mean, Michael Jordan didn't even make his high school team.

47:27 I think you have to have some talent. It's like guy looks funny. This is and then you find out, no, this is really What the fuck has this guy been doing for the past 50 years? I don't think there's ever been more funny comics. still really funny it's still really funny but like you go back and I'll listen to his old stuff and it's still really funny it's still

49:43 Somebody threw it out there. They would literally carry him, Chewy from the comedy store. They would carry him. and I'm like, I saw the movies. I don't think there's anybody better. Really? is backstage Rickles was ripping on me. Bam, bam, bam. and robin williams was presenting Buddy Hackett with this award. And I am fucking cracking up because it's like, I don't even know you.

53:50 Because, you know, back in the day, that's what you did. have to come out and you know shuck and jive and they would emcee strip clubs and jazz clubs And then this guy and this girl who were both I did have a moment. I worked with the Chippendales guys once. No, no, they didn't. But the funny thing was like, it was almost like they weren't in on it.

56:36 And these women are like in their 50s. They both worked out at the gym I worked out. winds up sucking my dick it's crazy and we're all sitting around laughing i go you ever have I hate it. And he wound up doing a lot of dancing for dudes. Yeah, but I don't believe he didn't do anything either. whether you suck dick or not. there's a possibility of you sucking a guy's dick there's no unless you're a gay dude unless you're

59:37 Their whole energy is different. That's rough. She's always cool. She's always been cool. and put them against the comics from season two. Jay London. Jay London was selling American flags after 9-11. And then he just kind of faded away. We were in the house, and it was a game Heffron had. Because I had to go after him. What does he get mad at himself for?

1:03:27 Oh, absolutely. You want a picture with me? I mean, it's just like having him Really? Well, he opened up for Louis recently in L.A. at the Comedy Store when Louis was warming up for his stand-up special that he filmed there. And he would move the microphone were all non sequiturs it was like one after the other that didn't that didn't make sense um the

1:05:52 The joke was, you know, they should take you gays and put them on an island. But when I said that, you know, I said, look, a comic is supposed to be, when you're on stage, it's supposed to be your point of view. All of them. They were alive back then they would always talk about that like the Milton Berle thing was the classic one right Milton Berle stole

1:07:22 You're just pissed off because your entire career you stole. I just can't say it. And I think to myself, like, God, did I do the right thing like shit and then fucking Barry came over who I've We'll do that next. You just you just handled it perfectly like thanks great That's a goddamn George Carlin bit. dead i want to say two weeks i might be wrong but it was no more than two months and he was dead i want to say two weeks i might be wrong but it was no more than two months and he

1:10:08 and 10 of us are going to go forward into the house and do the show. our auditions in our various cities. Like it's a thing. Because I think we all knew that they weren't making the final decision. Yeah. and so now I'm on the other side of the table and I gotta say I don't know how it was when you did back to the night audition and we're like like no no like it's not gonna to. Yeah. We brought her. We were at Gotham's in New York. Man, it was the most awkward silence, like her act.

1:13:27 She's beautiful, though, isn't she? What if she got good? Yeah. That was what it was. And that really is the producer's decision who to get on and not get on the show. yeah, bring them both on. make any sense if you guys were the two best it should be a possibility yeah it should be about and more movies and it's like that's that's how they that's how they play the game so you can get mad at it to an

1:17:09 you two hilarious guys, that it's not possible that you can get into the finals, listen mr heffron we're gonna see you later me and cory got business to take care of well at now it's just straight standup. i don't even know how they do it now because you know when we did it they didn't have twitter and Like, pretty women are like a decoration on TV.

1:19:00 they're going to fuck a producer. Like they know, I might be able to get you backstage where you can meet somebody, you know. because they wanted to just be filled with fans. they're here to make this room look good. They would find this dude. tornado blew his trailer away and his dog died. same way with Hollywood and, and show business. Like you, you have to remember this shit ain't

1:21:27 And we go and there's breakfast and then there's lunch. corner yeah i had fun with that show that that show was actually that's where i learned everything It's all flat. that really didn't like the fact Shakespearean stages, Everybody was flat. This this was no, this was a great thing. you know, Probably on it still. I'll always remember that, man.

1:24:46 I remember that. yeah I love I love being a stand-up you know it's I mean I would love that everyone would love that you a funny motherfucker god damn that was funny remember, like, my whole body was tingling. I was like, Damon Wayans said that? I mean, oh, man, I was watching you. And, oh, man, just talking to you. I'm young comics I mean oh man I was watching you and

1:26:51 I talked to him about it at the Comedy and Magic Club. Because he was going up again. And he's got a good hustle at keeping it together in Vegas. They don't know what's better. run in Vegas, though. the casino gives me a bill. I guess Carrot Top, he does well. Rita Rudner was there. It's like weeknights at the Rio. And then they were going to have like the winner of the country singing.

1:30:30 and I had hoped it went because I wanted to see what it would be like to just be on a Vegas show for like to live in Vegas I love working there. And I'm not kidding. Yeah, not on a weekend. I don't hang out on the strip. They have a thing, they don't even hear the bells. Like, they walk to the stage. You know what I mean? They have a thing. He loves it.

1:32:34 He's a magician. It's like clean. that people go to get crazy. Occasionally there's a show they'll go to, or they'll take their friends there when their friends visit. 1920s or something like that and and people like imagine what do you think it's going to be like right? And you see you just that's what i love about vegas it is it is the best and worst of america it's like

1:35:22 God. I was in Vegas, also giving out tips, you know, when people and the money's tight, You remember Shay Mitosh? And she said it's amazing. him and his wife, and he's been there for years. Yeah. If you have somewhere with, I remember Schimmel telling me, because Schimmel moved to Scottsdale. you give up the weekday spots, like like a vagabond like he just lives out of a suitcase been living hotel to

1:39:01 It was just madness. Yeah. Like I got to stay sharp. but they're doing it in a different way. Yeah. videotape that's the worst you know and you got oh, shit, that's a great song. But I bring that up, and they love when I fuck with them about it be World War II and they think i'd like to do gunny goo Hoo. Yeah. There's no cover it with their material. But that's

1:43:31 And he tried to pretend that it was obviously just an homage to Patrice. There's a lot of nutty people out there that think that they're going to sneak by. And you'll tell them, they'll go Google it. Like if the comic or the whoever, you know what I mean? Award show. the respect of respected comedians Like, I guess I'm a comic now. Yeah, for sure. That was one of Mencia's biggest things is that no comics liked him.

1:46:07 That's what happened with Michael Richards. And he was just all real aggressive and talking crazy shit and just wasn't just was out of it just out of it but i watched him go up me the first five minutes yeah and then they're like all right what else you got yeah i mean this one of those guys is going to be Bill Cosby. because it's not like you can't get laid if you're Bill Cosby. I think he probably.

1:48:46 You know how we were talking about drunk driving? You're drugging someone I think people dosed people. You couldn't have that in a movie today because that's rape. it it's you know it's it's horrible for everyone involved you know what i mean it's horrible for called wcoz i think that's what it was and they played michael jackson when michael jackson came

1:51:25 and they were giving an award to Quincy Jones, The brothers was like, who? Like when he did that thing in Smooth Criminal where he leaned forward, and it and i always said that this is the part people don't talk about like he was world famous they're overcome and they literally faint. When that guy would walk into a room, You had regular jobs you've been in jail

1:54:13 But then there was this little motherfucker, So it's just such a weird thing. probably got turned down he probably got turned down. He probably got turned down occasionally. sort of relationship. i have no idea because i i can't imagine it's also you know because it's something i can't No. the women or they just come up is to pay them each a hundred thousand dollars out of the settlement that shit just you know

1:57:47 And he did it eating shitty sandwiches. Like, eh. Is that recent? Really? little league or whatever but there was something wrong with this guy being involved in the charity Like if you have a sexual attraction to women, that is normal. So he's only, like, in other words, If you're 18 and the girl's 16, that makes sense. She may have the body. It's not the same thing.

2:01:06 I had a buddy. the 17 year old boy like he's a man but he's not the 17-year-old boy. He's a man, but he's not an old man. In my early 20s, have to work at a high school? But still, you know, he was fucking her. that come along with ages of consent. The cops arrested her and charged her with trafficking child pornography to other children. They don't always.

2:03:59 Nope. He goes, I'm 58 years old. Well, I'm that guy. You look great for 53, though, man. So started comedy late. shit you can't do all that so that was so that was that but, you know, dating like I started seeing this woman and she's in her late 40s. So why don't you have kids? What do you say to that? Son of a bitch took my car. Some guys do it and some guys have that.

2:07:40 How crazy is it you're 53 and Joey's 52? I think laughter is the best medicine, like that idea. we were just howling laughing, just howling, And I said, really? It may end up doing the old folks home circuit in Florida, but I'm still going to be doing my 20-minute spots at 7 o'clock. George Burns. and in his last days, he performed in front of arenas in a bathrobe.

2:10:17 But that's because back in the day, you didn't put your pants on because you would mess up the crease. Fuck it. I think that's the only time slippers are for sale. That was one of the things that people said about Rodney. Slow down. And then hit. Dude, send that to me. I want to put that on Instagram. What were they thinking? Still kicking it. Yeah.

2:13:22 Does he do that? But it's not, and the funny thing is, it's not like any genius advice, Yeah, I met him once. get them tickets to Kevin Hart But even when you know people, I'm not going to, you know what I mean, try to get to him. Yeah. Like, hey, I heard you on Joe Rogan's podcast. He gets angry at people. Yeah. It's it's being everyone's friend one thing that does happen for sure is that you find

2:16:57 have those few friends that we were friends with back from you know 15 whatever years ago and but I know some people who just weren't, I think you're right. That's why, like you were saying, meeting comedians. Right. But you're like, how have you been doing this? Any headliner I opened for, I wanted to be them. And some do it for fun, which I get. you better come up with a funny way to announce drinks.

2:20:10 So they're doing it. from headliners touring the country. It's very interesting. I love my podcast called who's paying attention and i do I've heard of it. That's just it. Like, I'm always flattered when people listen or when I get to, like, when's the next podcast? How long have you been doing it? don't get to hang that often no we've known each other a long time we cross paths here and there

2:23:37 you know because we're both traveling That's one of the reasons why I take guys on the road with me, too. i always make more money than me i don't know if you're aware of this but even when i didn't he thinks he's great but you're like yeah i've experienced that it's you know and you just or They're talking to the waitress and complaining. But the guy wouldn't let me in.

2:26:28 funny so they were on tour they did a tour together but yeah tommy's still around still in I don't know. He doesn't get the props that he deserves. Like Charlie Murphy jokes around about being Eddie Murphy's brother. They know my fucking name. And they have brothers And his brother's on stage Like, that's kind of probably not going to be another one.

2:29:13 He was friends with Andy Dick. He looked like he could die at any second now. And what kills guys like that is you have the unlimited money to do that. is when he sobers up, and you're like, And, you know, yeah, just tons of pills and alcohol. You know, there was some of the older blues guys that fucked around with drugs and did heroin and stuff like that. But for the most part, those hard partying rock stars from the 60s and 70s, there was no one before them.

2:32:07 Did you see that? Well, you know, Coca-Cola still uses cocaine for flavoring. instantly i'm like what was that he said cocaine like can i and he said no we don't prescribe it you got to come in and we put the drop in your eye but yeah it was and it was one of you know It tastes fuck, but it numbs everything up. Maybe I could be a heroin addict then because I fucking loved it, man.

2:35:10 No time for introspective thinking. unhappy how do i stop doing that you know like made me think about things in a way but bone out of your kneecap. And then they slice the patella tendon and it's connected with these two didn't like take pain pills I hated the way those made me feel I don't remember It was like this constant motion machine because they're trying to keep your leg from going stiff

2:38:12 oh yeah it was like 25 proof with codeine or something yeah it was so good it was so good Yeah, he fucking wants bottles of NyQuil. you've got to get stem cells. It's just over the last couple years they're doing these things. Yeah, I get it. I get it. It's annoying to you because people can't afford it. I mean, that's the way our medicine is. I get it.

2:39:40 Every time I'd work out, I'd be in pain for a few days, and then I would do it again and ice it and all this different shit and i was like i'm gonna have to fucking bite the bullet When doctors do shit like that, I'm like, how smart are you? if you hadn't fucked it up so bad, you know, it was like that kind of, And yet you listen to him talk. it's hard when you start when he starts talking about religion when he starts talking about uh

2:42:17 Yeah, but that's what I mean. they shared one artery between like a major artery between their two brains and he figured out a way Next year is when the real You might be right. Or President Trump. What if he fucking wins? What if he gets in there? and to get these people to work together and to get anything done, And it would be the same thing with Trump.

2:45:20 No. And we you know. Democrat side, they have some people. how much shady shit is going on with her like i've had these conversations like i'll vote for her You know what I mean? I don't think she's perfect. He wants to tax the fucking shit out of rich people. See, when you start talking about changing an entire system, when you talk about cutting money out of defense

2:48:34 what's not in the ocean there's no ocean but they had this congressman i forget his name but he was and they wanted everything to change. And it was and i think he really meant it and then he got there and it was like moving the United States is like turning an aircraft carrier. they're, and I want to say it was Iowa. Yeah. have to work and they're gonna have to keep their fucking mouth shut and stay inside the boundaries

2:51:29 because the government is involved the government's involved in all these loans But what I mean is that, is the overall, in other words, the overall health of the nation, I had this guy, Michael Wood, on this podcast that was a former cop in Baltimore. And when they were there, when he was working there, like concentrating resources on that area lot of people can't understand. It's like, you know, well, just get a job. Like, well, no,

2:53:54 Like that's the first thing. It's going to be very different because all these complications that that we have right now all the problems that we have right now You're going to have people escaping reality in all sorts of ways that they're not really doing yet, and that's going to be just as addictive as crack. they're growing up globally so that they have friends in europe and shit like that like that

2:56:23 And put his fucking name on it. Rapist and then put my name on it. You're like, OK, we're going to build a war wall between here and Mexico. And put his fucking name on it. And yet you have a percentage of the population who honestly believes that. Chemtrails. it was fun let's do it again let's do it again man thank you you're in town all the time right

2:57:29 We did it.