Joe Rogan Experience #727 — Bill Burr Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Porch room on a show. You make cakes. I switched over. how to smoke meat. This guy's been helping Yeah, but the crust is on... it's the best so you're like you're like a chef you're like actively cooking there's like a The Food Network used to be top chefs teaching you how to cook. He just, you know, he drives around to these greasy spoons and he lets you know what's up.

2:37 He's got a look. No. He'd be like someone who held the belt for a while. The GSP of cooking, wow. It was him in his kitchen, and he'd, oh, God, he needs somebody to take better pictures, though. that they have over there the way other people I learned I watched it every fucking day, and I would sleep till like fucking 11, Like I made a key lime pie and I fucked it up because they want a little bit of the, I think it's called the rind, which is just a little bit like the zest of the lime.

5:53 I would learn how to rebuild an engine on a car. it up but that's that's still something that bugs me. Like I would take a cooking class or something. i had it and then there was that whole well should you fucking you know do something about this and And then you go there. You're like're like wait a minute these people are fucking cool people but i mean i'm guilty of that too but um i don't know i i i

8:52 He just like gives them shit tear your fucking head off in such a perfect way that everybody else in the room was like, But the way that they just are backing off him, like, oh, I didn't know he was going to make me look stupid. And it got a huge laugh. She goes, no, you said that about other blah, blah about women he goes nah he goes i said that about rosie o'donnell and it got a huge laugh she goes no you've said that about other blah blah blah the women he just

10:44 not saying the black dude was 100 percent in the right. trump was saying maybe the guy should have got roughed up i think dude like i said i got add Maybe he should have been roughed up. that's the lowest level of like trying to get attention yeah and not and and not having people and they're not getting the money for it. Separate people to the point where it's everyone is just attacking

13:45 if you don't see the beginning of your own religion in this, I mean, dude, my background, my religion, I mean, the shit that we have done. Dude, they were in bed with the Nazis. Yeah, they were on both sides. It's just too small an island or too small a country. We were just cranking them out. Really? We got a couple, but most of them are kind of a Monte Carlo.

16:19 I mean, not like a new car, but pretty good. and then all of a sudden, just stomping on the gas and going up 200 miles an hour in a straight line? quarter mile or something like blowing somebody off at a fucking uh red light even as recently in the rear, but they do that for traction And there's like a pendulum effect too with having the weight in the back that you could actually use and manipulate the guys who know

18:41 Did you see that Norman Donald joke? It is amazing that one country produced so much engineering. Well, not just ours. There was more than 100 Nazi scientists they took over. He hung the five slowest Jews in front of his rocket factory in Berlin. understand that human beings are human you know what I mean well he might have just complied so that he could get his rocket factory going and have the funds and have all the necessary, have all the tools and all that jazz.

20:48 Well, they set up a couple. Yeah. They won't have Scientology. They won't let Scientology pal. Not here pal. No dead heads like the spin doctors and just all of these guys and then fish closed it i forget who i wanted to They had those really long jam songs. I get why people could get sucked into this because what was cool was there was a ton of people there, but there was no violent violence vibe there.

23:48 And then her and her boyfriend just traveled around. That was like her gig. the roof of the VW, right? They pack down to just a few inches. Other than to hide behind when people shoot at you because you know you can't get out of this fucking place So I moved so far away from everybody I know that, uh, you know, I just got all the recipes. I'm not a bright guy.

26:07 No, both of them I've done on electric smokers. I have to do it every once in a while. Cancer coming right up on you. Down to you, Parker. And it keeps it at the exact temperature. It's just fire and wood. And I never smoked a ham in there, but I've smoked chicken in there, which is nice. down this rabbit hole. And then what do you do? and then I get into it.

28:30 You're going to have like two, three fucking subjects. You're going to get something out of it. uh, dude. Oh, my God. doing all the special effects and then he fucking zooms in on you. I don't know the guy. enough time. I just know that if I got into sports, like if I got into football and I had And then it makes me think back when I was a kid. that you can look up

31:37 and it's like Have you ever thought about doing commentary? I have that same problem with the UFC. I'll talk about fighters or fights or things, She got caught using male hormones. know because you're a philly yeah and then they also know them and they're people and stuff it's a problem like i don't know because you're a philly yeah and then they also know them

33:54 The guy's obviously a great fighter. Comedian that was gonna go out and do the monologue fucking thing. Who were you writing for? I don't know. But I just got into this. I was writing for somebody very funny. I did it like two years in a row, five, six years ago. Who were you writing for? Do you remember? I don't know. I don't know how to name names. But I just got into this.

35:08 and he was like towards the end of like the fifth season or whatever they did and he was coming in it in a nice like relaxed clip like uh what louis does is astounding to me that you could you could He was editing it. I just sat there pitching jokes and all that type of stuff. and then i would fucking come in the next day and then the guy the co-creator of the show mike

37:41 It's a lot harder than people think it is. It's going to be hilarious. It wasn't the cartoon? Oh, dude, it was a dream. coming out December 18th Netflix isn't going to pull us. Oh, all right. Can you hold down the fort while I'm gone? It's a job. You're up, little man. Hold the wheel. Christ once you put some goddamn clothes on Frank focus He was my special after-school helper.

41:20 Have a great day, princess. My mom used to say, I'll break your fucking legs. Dude, she fucking pulled over and she did it. reinhardt mo collins sam rockwell gary cole did i say him we got all we got a whole bunch of people They're fucking killing it. He saw the potential before everybody else, I feel. because he knows it's going to go viral. you know, you know the TV and the computer

44:29 Yeah. Fucking expensive. They're like, well, let's wait till they're out of college, wait until they're home a I think the first one I did with them was my first special, and I remember it aired to europe so i i was like half a step ahead as far as my where initially where i was where I would do stand-up it always felt So did you see a big bump when you did your Netflix special?

46:59 And then, yeah, when that happens, that's when, you know, you definitely see like a bump. So he's getting ready to release that now. bunch of shit going on at the same time but also like tom's got a great work ethic which you do too gets just turns to mush so do you is this something you read about or is this just like your instincts And basically what it is is like,

49:27 like dude if you if i was in in here and it didn't have all these fucking antlers lava lamps and the what I feel like. I got this new thing on McDonald's of all things that I'm talking about just of how they've – I'm trying to combine it with like the bloggers, how they bully people. Doug Benson had a bit about that years ago. Oh, dude, that is one of the worst things I've ever tasted.

51:08 got their thing. I like what the fuck is in there You're McDonald's. It's not you. Like, I think, you know, dude, George Carlin, you could consider that guy character. Yeah. So that's why I just went. Like, I think, you know. Yeah. no idea. Do you think, and this is something I've been your mom, you know, could But I didn't even think anything of it because I was seven.

53:43 I have no idea. dude you guys would all be in fucking jail for a long time yeah like the 70s those guys that came Dude, and this guy's stories. if you watch like those old movies That guy's a drunk, he's a bum. Dude, this is so beyond anything that I even investigate. Things started sexually assaulting other fucking. chimp was getting off on like torturing this thing to

57:41 all that yeah the way they flush it out and everything and then they surround it and then pull them apart, like, they hold onto their body, And it's got this little face. That really just made me feel fucked up just visualizing that. They've got quite a few videos of it now. We decided they were these peaceful banana eating. Like they don't have that type of thing.

59:24 but like our stuff is more like precision their shit is just like fucking uh Pull up a hairless chimp, because sometimes they get manged. Jesus Christ. Now I don't wonder. He was a baby. like what the fuck? I mean, fucking go crazy on me, I would have to fight that thing would get before you even just grabbed its They're fucking strong. Look at that.

1:02:20 It's one of those overseas zoos where they just stick animals together that fight because they don't give a fuck. I don't know why. Definitely there's no way with PETA and shit. It's one of those overseas zoos where they just stick animals together that fight because they don't give a fuck. They'll put like a bear in with a lion. Like that thing was slapping your back.

1:03:13 and the fucking monkeys were flipping out and i on such a sadistic level enjoyed that video like Oh. They had legs, and they were yelling a lot. I watch slap fights. And then it's my turn. and they scream it like 20 fucking times. You had like the base level And after he knocked him out, while he was laying on his back, people came over. I don't know.

1:06:25 He hit his back of his head, and he went into a coma, and he died. know i don't know what happened i don't know what the circumstances was i can't picture kevin james Because he looks, he's this sweetheart, and he does all this physical comedy and laughing You know what I mean? no no no no they were bouncers but if it was a slow that doesn't sound like a good time to me

1:08:33 And all the dance floor is parting. So, like, my idea of what a bouncer is. It was just, like, a thing that he needed. Because that was when Rodney was wearing a bathrobe. Bill Cosby was there. about doing stand-up yet because it's like 1986 but i remember seeing him i was going whoa like it wasn't, it wasn't, right when he died was he was getting sober

1:11:41 the ironic thing, he was killed by a drunk driver That was like one of his things. him, the clip that you sunglasses on on stage. He's got That was a brutal. And he got really fat. It's called Brother Bill. Sometimes they get crazy impulsive and they lose they lose like whatever machine it's just like he was partying a lot but he was also working on his act and it was important

1:14:50 That was it. do whatever he wanted, and he's going look at you people you guys just sitting there drinking you know you guys on a and fucking walking out. And Tony was telling me, getting like tv credits and to know that it just wasn't all You're sick of your fucking act. Did you ever listen to The Day the Laughter Died? dice right first one just called dice the first one was a monster love that album the day the

1:17:41 into a relationship remember that bit no how did he do it he was just i i not to get into a relationship. Remember that bit? No, how did he do it? He was just, I haven't listened to it in years, relationship with this girl she thinks i like her he goes this is how you get out of it he goes you like november 88 so it was just like uh you know everybody like the end of 87 all right happy new

1:19:16 had saw it. It was just weird. I mean, I was thinking like, I think, believe it or not, I'm like a year older than him. That guy's like 46, 47. But I thought Dice would be backstage going, yeah, these guys really like us. That place was going crazy. I only saw him live once I started working at the store and saw him there. dice is in town let's go let's go so we went and got a steak like gentlemen went to a nice restaurant

1:21:50 Yeah, and the new ones there was you had to like go see it under a membership yeah you had to go see it and all That came out and like everybody just fucking saw it. Oh, yeah. They're catching up to Netflix. Just big Boston girl. bit for me in the parking lot. She's lying on her stomach. Oh my God. You mean life keeps fucking He was the first guy that made me think that maybe I could do comedy

1:24:28 He was, he was, I liked all of those guys. towards the end this guy I worked with So he was in the stand up the way I was and we'd fucking watch it. that came out somewhere where it ended with a fucking dui and It's over. No, you can't do it. if there's ever a time to leave a scene he did he didn't quit smoking or he I don't know guess we're drinking

1:27:46 going on a juice cleanse but the phoniness of it you'd probably be like this isn't me i'm just Brutally honest and articulate gentleman. have to do is be nice and we like them but men need that it's it's pretty interesting because Like you could make a living doing it. hobnob in these social circles with people But I don't want to look at a bunch of old plates.

1:29:51 art yeah i go what is it well it's supposed to represent space it's the artist's representation And it's just like yeah, man. It's so bad. Yeah, I don't get any of that like what does that say to you? I went to a party at his house. That's awesome. pieces of paper that were crumpled up difference between of a kid because a kid can't sit here and draw you how you sit right okay but

1:32:25 Good for you, you know? But I just don't give a... i don't get it i don't get it but I don't get it. But I do get it Yes. He's got 11 buildings Peterson. Ralph Lauren. Lauren. So half the documentary was about, you know, just the physical endeavor, the physics involved, and did a brief interview on him Like whatever the fuck that is. RalphLaurenneCarCollection.com.

1:35:03 That's a Bugatti. Whoa. Look at that. you get the sound oh god No, and the whole thing, it's all mint condition, too. Oh, he's got everything. And he keeps them at the airport, at the Burbank God, look at that fucking thing. They wouldn't be hopped up. out they're like yeah there's 67 fatalities dude these guys would be coming Oh, here you go. Yeah.

1:38:46 dude there's some sick ones a whole row of people these are all the spectators and shit all the people that got killed Did you ever see Le Mans? The Steve McQueen movie? There he is. You saw him laying in the road. the last driver had just died in it, movie it's amazing they go through all these things people do things they're just doing stuff it's such a pain in the ass to keep it going i got also i got old drum kits. I got an old truck.

1:40:58 It's new. Three on the tree, drum brakes all the way around, the original radiator, the whole fucking thing. He loves it. Yeah, yeah, I know. He is a fucking nut with that shit. He loves it. was I needed leaded gas have a holly four barrel on it which is cool because the barrels are actually smaller so when but like you're looking at it like an artist they're looking at like they're just trying to

1:43:16 No, he left, but he did, he, when they let him, when they let him, when they let him It's funny because you get upset at your wife watching Bravo. I just turned my phone on because I want to show you this. But it's actually a metal wand with a little bit of flint or something on the end of it it's called a ronson touch tip lighter I guess lighting his

1:45:03 do you use that Yeah. Here it is. Oh, really? Yeah. I'll we go. The Havana room. Here it is. How cool is that? If you find a real cigar smoker, they think it's the shit. It's a crazy documentary about police corruption in, like, the 1980s in New York. Just robbing people, being involved in drug deals, It's either you can get into sales. For some reason, they let you out.

1:47:23 But you could. shit. Don King. Don King. like when he was a loan shark is equality between the jewelry. You ever see Tyson's one man show? Is that what he owes him? Just got, like, literally, like, hundreds of thousands of dollars in diamonds on him. You know, Well, he's as old school I want to talk to you and me and my friends came in, guys from the goddamn Comedy Jam.

1:50:20 on like a game show oh really yeah and i asked him about it go did anybody ever get pissed because What are you going to do with it? they always dreamed of. But what was cool, because I went in there and we played there, that it wasn't intimidating. After we played, I went back to... paid off it makes me a local hire if i ever get acting work they don't have to put me up in a

1:52:45 I did all of my jokes. I just, you know, little me on that giant stage, you know, with the fucking 200-foot curtain behind you. There was no letdown. That dumb shit. Well, the guys that stay, like, know who you are, there's going to be a bunch who don't. I did Melbourne a couple weeks ago. and it was fucking great It puts you in a different state of mind.

1:55:54 Oh, yeah. I kind of felt like coming out of the gate, like I had to have some good shit right away. They just work out new material in the middle of their theater sets. Yeah. You had to be there in like 1989. They were just big fucking guys foot tall they were just a big the guy who used to fucking do the open mic on the road with him one night. That was the first time I ever

1:58:21 Not quite like Amherst way, but like Machine would just go like, you've reached Jeff Apotheca. and it was the biggest fucking hell gig I ever did. and uh then I was on the mic you know and I snapped you know as you always do when you like the fucking dinner roll and shit and they're gathered over there or whatever i'm trying to But, I mean, I would have probably lost to one of them.

2:01:18 And just driving home. and I either called Dane or Patrice, rest his soul, I still remember the smile on his face. got on his chest and he goes paybacks a bitch and as they held him down he fucking bit the end of to me. And I didn't want to do it to somebody either. I really didn't. Well, if you saw enough was going out, They do this shit with, with their big Z cabarichis.

2:04:38 It was fucking brutal. riding subways and shit and the warriors and you think all of that type of stuff but i don't feel You had to be more... Your IROC Z. Yeah. I down the street. Your IROC Z. And as we're leaving, we're walking to the hotel. I'm like, this is the spot. You start feeling like, somebody's going to catch one, and it ain't going to be me.

2:06:56 you know that we've fucking won like a zillion in each like it still hasn't gone away it is that that slice, you know, to absorb the alcohol so you can drive home, It's like, dude, they don't even know New York exists. You're thinking about your life, your chick, your world. car it's a movie it's not really happening and then all of a sudden your car won't start and

2:09:05 Oh, there's none, unless there's, like, a benefit or some shit. and it's just about the history they'd show a map and then they would outline the neighborhood but they just showed how like was supposed to be Long Beach, the second or third largest one in the world i think like just the amount of product that goes give a shit. They just pave over it. There's

2:11:14 right they crushed it they took it down yeah we used to film we filmed fairfax i was gonna say There was no memorial. It was blown up. actually inspect like what a small percentage of shipping containers that get inspected i thought Yeah, all on these little not going to hate where I was going to live. the, Like them making a right hand turn how fucking long it takes or if somebody's car is just a

2:13:47 And then they get on the fucking highway like, that if they see any bit of daylight, they just pin it and try to go as far as they can Or do you like living out here? i could live in outside of the city once once you get a house That's my experience with Long Island. You know, I did a lot of hell gigs out there, so I probably shouldn't judge it that way.

2:16:09 nice yeah gentrified used to be called slumerville when when we used to do yeah there's like hipsters They all, yeah, all on the same. Even if it was a hell gig, I was like, ah, whatever. To this day, I did one of the casinos a few years back next time you stay in New York No. specific like rules of like hardcore like you have to say your whole tail number and the guy

2:18:36 Plus people on the fucking ground. where i they taught me and those guys a great school and you know 90% of the flying of those helicopters is basically done with an instructor in there. 2,200 hours of flying? Like hundreds of thousands at all. it basically happens so if somebody is is flying it like an asshole and they're not maintaining it there's no fucking way i would i wouldn't i just wouldn't so do you own your own helicopter or you

2:21:29 Him and his brother came, and then Kevin Shea rode in the back, out there that's left compared to what the fuck we did to it but like just the amount of times i've Like, almost like a, I don't know what the fuck. They were filming like a boat race. But you can't miss a 30-foot foot fucking uh great white or something i don't i don't think i've ever seen a great white

2:23:36 Would you ever walk into a jungle? You got a fucking life jacket on and shit. along bit the guy in half in front of everybody and just just you know severed him in Oh, yeah. Dude, you know when they fight each other, they fucking twist the foot off They bite them off. Dude, that is like, you know like when there's just that big guy in a bar who's a fucking psycho and you're just sitting there going, I wish there was somebody big enough to fucking handle this so I can feel better.

2:26:12 He goes, I hate when I go on shoots the monkey's just going to do about monkeys. When we were in Costa Rica, but the other ones, I just want to go out in the middle. dude it was like it was like i might as well put a1 on dude i had welts all up and down and they we're standing there watch out though they had a spider monkey The monkey was a prisoner.

2:29:02 And it all went down in like fucking like and it's actually holding the fucking key away from its body seeing if it can have its cake and at that fucking thing and i go in unlock the door and i'm sitting there for like 20 minutes I don't got it in me. Because that's a fucking fantastic story. And thanks to everybody involved It's always a pleasure.