Joe Rogan Experience #73 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Long day? Shut up. And they're going to shoot each other because, you know, some fucking people in an office somewhere say that this is how it's supposed to go down. I was 18 and it just switched and now I'll drink beer in the garage by myself. them see it from an emotional perspective why there's this big gigantic hole in them I've heard so many That was the funnest drug

2:23 giraldo uh right i said like for someone who has But it has to also jive Sure, there must be. That's the whole deal. Demetri Martin's allergic to alcohol. he's allergic to pussy. And he's allergic to alcohol. helpless on stage. Lady in front of me was allergic to shellfish Whoa. And people wouldn't recognize it. I went to take my sister to the airport, grabbed the steering wheel.

5:18 I started, water's coming out of my eyes and it's burning lines down my face. Revisionist history, motherfucker. So anybody that has a gerbil in their hand and pride and fucking deciding, She tried. he's in the fucking dryer oh no so you turned it on part of me is like there's a moment where you If you're going to kill it, at least stomp on its head.

7:53 The cat had gone to sleep in the hammock or in the hamper because it was warm clothes And he opened it once and looked and the cat was out and the cat didn't move. You're just getting beat over the head. Heal that cat with some ecstasy. Like my cousin, they're fucking fearless. not give a shit. because he has a concussion all over the place. It's so unfortunate. It's so unfortunate.

10:40 they tell you it's fucking chaos over there. And they're... little young boys. just like warlords. That's what the American soldiers do. You can't have 18 hot young wives and not fuck any of them. But apparently what happens to some people's minds when something traumatic happens to them is their mind gets rewired in a very, very unhealthy way. And then a lot of times

12:54 Oh God. I think that's why I drink. I don't know the full details of it. This kid smashes a window and just skydives But for me, first of all, I was little. And then, you know, in Florida we moved a couple of times. Fuck that dude. I mean, he was a monster and his arms were huge. Wow. I'm sorry. So I was like, okay, don't worry. left field together so i had to go out and sit in left field with him after that. Whoa.

16:00 You know, we played on the same team for a year after that. I did it on my hour special. I was like, fuck. guy. But he was like a scary dude to me. Just looked like a Mike Tyson looking dude. And Turns out he wound up murdering somebody. the keys to his this chick that lived in our neighborhood he had the keys to her house because I go, really? If you fucking said serial killer to me

18:24 It's so hard When you run into someone who's completely You got to be, it starts young. It's easy. Right, of course. and you said, oh, I'll just grab their balls and finger their asshole, and you were talking about defense, and you said, for like fucking 10 seconds, man, I saw it. very hard to defend those and that's why i stopped fucking with dudes because i realize now everyone's

20:58 block at two spaces and So I said – How long ago was this? Like that's going to fucking, like he's going to go, oh, I didn't know. Wait a minute. God damn, dude. What do you do if you get out there Yes. having. But those thoughts don't go through your mind. I've seen 8 Priuses flick cigarettes out their windows. You don't give a shit about fucking...

23:56 I don't... Get a bunch of sad girls. One fucking... I knew a guy in college that punched a dude one time and killed him. He was trying to make some money. If I want to talk to somebody I'll go to you And I get up and they don't say a word to me giving you my fucking email address that's not gonna fix gay rights what's gonna fix gay rights You know, with his finger in my face.

26:31 I think you look like a decent bear, you know? Yeah, a little bit. There's always stuff. And I'm like, I didn't know it was a gay porn. I had never seen a man actually suck a dick until this moment. but my aunt used to get high with these gay guys that lived next door But watching the guy actually suck the cock, I'm like, whoa, you can't take that back,

28:50 Why would I hate it? in the ass. hard in the thing. But yeah. Thought of it the first time ever You know, You know, Yeah. No, I would not. school i was already a martial arts champion see i was so scared of getting bullied and kids Even when I was knocking out grown men in sparring and, you know, and then, you know, Me and my friends, we all got bullied by the same bullies,

32:22 artist your mic is so much louder than everybody's mic. There was all these $5 bills, They were trying to think of ways to promote my new show. of my fucking mind i'm fairly confident i would never have come up with that idea. want to give people something that everybody wants and needs and doesn't really have on them Stick their stickers. all that shit.

34:56 I'm like, dude, is like, I know, It's like, why don't you just take Japanese iPhone case. Like a dollar? Little packets of sunscreen? And then a year later, he went to another dermatologist, and it turns out it's skin cancer. It's like crusty feeling sometimes. I'm a massive hypochondriac. and she looked at it, and she goes, it's an ingrown hair. If you have an ingrown toenail, anything ingrown that's pussing, I'm dying to see it.

38:04 I want my wife to get one. So you can pull it out? Oh, that looks awesome. Let me see your ingrown hair. Get those pull it out. Maybe I don't want one. I want my wife to get one. You don't do that. know the comics named roy name's Roy Johnson. clicking back older posts to find out And I'm like, wow. And it creates things. Antib-resistant strains of infection.

39:58 She got it real bad, apparently. that has to be cleaned and you have to make sure you put something on it you know this these his arm because his arm had swollen up this this monstrous looking thing that's twice the size of a normal elbow. I had had staph once, and I was lucky that somebody pointed it out to me. You got to go get that checked out. And Ari's had turned into like this swollen, pussy-looking thing

42:10 Well, he got it from jujitsu. he would just like not take a shower at all even that night and he would have like 10 dudes rape No, I think it was even longer than that. Really? It really defines what hemorrhoids really are. I can't even sit on my wallet. He's just gelling? Talking to him about getting on smoking weed Don't listen. Yeah, don't eat anything if you didn't make it yourself, man.

44:33 has a high tolerance. Yeah. He's like, who am I gonna Always. And I see Joey sitting in a chair. The whole time he was sitting there watching you, Joe, when you're on stage, sweating, And Joey ate one and a half of them. is getting too high like getting too drunk no it's when you get really really high especially You get hyper-aware. some sort of these alien cartoons fucking that's what i see every time i close my eyes when i get

47:22 Because there's a world all around you that you've totally taken for granted that is completely bizarre the world of you climbing You know, pot goes, yeah, you do. That's the problem with pot. I mean, that's something that we ignore. You haven't come to grips with it. recognize what the next one is it's so bizarre and alien this is alien man this this world that

49:40 Because that's the only thing that's going to be left. No, figure that shit out. Fuck, it's awesome, man. I had this Hawaiian pit bull that they used for wild hog hunting. aggressive. It was a tremendous pain He makes sure that dogs that are aggressive to people Like they're just Okay let me just make sure I wanted an Argentinian Mastiff Yeah, first question

51:57 Is that what it is? Yeah. But, you know, there's an affectionate, like, loving bond between you and a dog. kill you and they don't know. For fucking Spike TV. Male chimpanzee. He was like a seventh grader. Did you ever see the video of that guy who was a trainer and the bear kills... So it was like the bear that fucking fought Will Ferrell in the movie Semi-Pro.

54:02 I know that. Rocky and Bam Bam were the two bears. Yeah. Wait, that was a really good joke. I like how you claimed it, though. You guys can't do better than that guy? Yeah, he's so buffoonish. Go get yours, Al. No, he used to look like fucking buckwheat. And he goes, listen, I ain't taking you to meet the president if your hair isn't relaxed. It's the best movie.

56:39 This is Hurt Burt. A bull did this to you? You're lucky you're alive, man. What year was this? Technically. No, I just fucking fought three Gracies at once. You had done an ass wax? That's the reason I'm not fucking... And they're like, so after you broke your ribs, did you, they give you time off? Right. dominatrix camp. I basically shot a Everyone's eating shit and jumping out of shit and crazy.

1:00:07 It was like the craziest shit And fucking because I'd already gotten fucked up by the bull And then casually walk in front of the bear and show him the marshmallow like, aww, and allow years old, maybe 29. And his giant teeth and his giant head. So I'm like Because then that's your safe word and we'll get you out you no i went lip and slid out the bear and then the bear ended up sitting on my face.

1:03:02 Dude. such anxiety? It seems like you have a lot I don't know why they, I think. Yeah. Sort of. So he goes, And he's like, all right, all right, yeah, okay, ha, ha, ha. They made us do it again. You don't remember this at all? They made us do it again. So then they been into that, man. You've always been into that. And it was so uncomfortable. They made us do it again.

1:04:52 Don't worry. Hey, we're back. Ha, ha, ha, ha. That's where we'll go. Do you have a flashlight? outtakes that they'll never use. The X show actually a really cool dude. TV. Probably. But we didn't recognize it because it was sort of a show. I most cool it was like the one of the first looks into reality tv probably we didn't Stanhope because it was up between me, Gary

1:07:10 me i knew just making fun of like but it was very it was like what show what was it from the x show and you gotta fucking drink wine just to get through the and like does this whole bit and Right. Shut up. Oh my gosh. No. Fuck, definitely going to Janine Garofalo. I would have agreed in 93. Tracy Lourdes, you prime or... I'm going Junie Garofalo. Whoa. Tracy Lourdes is definitely going to Junie Garofalo.

1:09:18 I didn't even notice. Okay. And Stanhope was saying that he was very disappointed because he went to see her expecting some really biting social commentary. and she's saying, give George Bush a break, Doug gave me the, okay, where are you at? What are you thinking about? And then when we're talking, it's like, like we'll talk like every few months and it's like, okay,

1:10:51 And you know, how much have you been trying to figure out in life in the last three months Maybe he's thinking of a tagline for himself And he thought it was disappointing that she didn't take a stand conference the day before the 9-11 attacks where they said that some insane amount of money in the into the exact offices, like, what does that mean now? They didn't have a backup somewhere? They

1:13:24 You got to look at it and go what did 800 conspiracy that telling people that a terrorist attack had And by the way, we're immune to those isolated instances, but they happen every fucking day all over the world in these places where we're supposed to be liberating, you know? Now, what's stand-hope stand-up like these days make 20 million dollars did your, like you

1:15:50 You had a conversation with your dog? little conversation with her she's like i love salmon it's so yummy is it really yummy it is fuck you're talking about you can't say you know that doesn't do any good for you that's just an And most of the time, you're dealing with douchebags in life and it's very difficult Sort of, I guess. like 30 that still live at home they're fucked up you know there's something wrong with them

1:18:38 having children is Yeah, there's some crazy assholes out there. to manipulate you. And, you know know the things can get really ugly but for me at least and now I'm on the place where I think I'm it's it's turning out i think this summer we're going to do it pretty heavily what has there been But don't tell anyone. Look at your fingers. Oh my god it's so hard to watch

1:21:04 It's not gonna happen today And he was like, dude, I can't do it. It's not going to happen today. and you do not have to do it. But I can make a show Got up to the top. 400 people at the bottom waiting for you to jump and i was like and he's like there's like 200 And he was like, I just jumped, man. You just jumped right now. You're about eight stories.

1:23:15 it's gusts of like 45 miles per hour right so it's a windometer so anytime a wind gust hits 45 miles now and she's like bert don't jump and i'm like fuck everyone i'm fucking jumping and now i know Oh, my God. because you were so fucked up that we didn't get so i was like okay so they we have to reshoot the I'm gonna sit a mile from you had the same religious moment

1:25:39 do a bungee jump. It's like 500 feet. part is, you don't jump. You'd never do that? I get it. like, but it's a, like getting someone and taking someone and making them super clean It would be all of a sudden there's a job that you can do where you can make money, Nope. I start about my like maybe you can stop finging yourself when you're talking to your dad. No, wait. Fuck.

1:28:28 I don't care. Because even the clean people go my kids finger their ass too Because they offended too many people? I would write, if you put me in a room I go, I think it's racist that they don't make black baby powder. hey motherfucker when you get done your little joke about black baby powder i'll tell you i And so he's like, they just never needed black baby powder.

1:30:38 Get on stage in Miami And he's like, this is a real motherfucker. like but it's huge it's huge and i'm like that is real that is fucking real and then i'm like how Good looking out. I guarantee you they're calling the cops now. Gets on stage Like fucking going nuts I literally This doesn't end this way. And they happen to have this. You're famous. I think it was Oscar De La Hoya in one of my jokes.

1:33:46 I'm never coming back here. Is that just a bad so one time I go to the morning pimp show and they have this gang and you'll sell out the entire fucking weekend because all anyone's doing is driving to work Take a nap How do you function The same way I'll go lift weights So, oh, so there's no pound. And I'm like, holy shit and DJ Laz comes up You'll sell out for the weekend

1:36:27 Yeah yeah yeah And you probably know Johnny Like when you get done a show Do you ever talk shit about anybody? I got to stop. Really? And I was like, I saw a clip and I wanted to hate it. I to hate it really and i because yeah that's why it's kind of weird yeah then i watched But if you tell people you like them, then they like you too. You know, especially early on.

1:38:37 Why is that? and I've wanted to get on their show to promote things. I guarantee you he'll hear about this from Twitter Yeah, but their studio. Without a plane? Without a plane, I was flying. And then it was an Opie and Anthony scarf. And then as I was hovering above their tent where they were doing their show, And he basically in my dream, my brain, told me everything about me that I think.

1:40:08 Arguing with Opie In case I go in Look like a fool Did they really? Yeah, they made him I'm literally, I probably listened to every opening Anthony. I don't think they liked him. Brilliant comedian, though, man. I think so many comics do that. He was so quick. So someone says, he said something, and now we're going to go over there and look for, this is right after 9-11.

1:42:50 would they use them right of course it would have used them but yeah he was he was great i he was so man, that's something that's really present I've gotten so fucking lazy. A lot of ad-libbing But Jenny It's really weird I was influenced by Attell massively. This actually gets a little weirder. I remember I used to climb up on this telephone pole I have tons of weed, enough for everybody.

1:45:10 They would laugh too. you wipe no i just shit i just shit i learned one very important lesson when you go number two you I will never say bullshit. Amazing I got offered my own morning show in Tallahassee would sue. I never would sue. But I went into One of the guys fucking locks up like, And so then he was like, pretty much, You can be the guy that sues and doesn't work,

1:48:01 He's so crazy. I want to re-watch Van Wilder. They can't stop you. What is it? of the culture. I guess. and things get really cloudy, in my pool anytime bro come on over bring your daughters i bring my daughters in a heartbeat I don't throw them in like fucking my Uncle Johnny. I went to swimming lessons. And Northeast, baby. And in Boston The kind of people

1:50:58 visible nature to keep them humble. When the blizzard's over and everything's covered in snow, like three feet of snow in Boston. I would go outside and you could hear like the quiet has like a sound to it. and everything's covered in snow i never grew up with snow at all the only problem with that is you Look at that crazy broad out there screaming.

1:52:28 I've had a major stretch where I didn't drink Really? But, yeah, here's the thing. him he said two things when you're featuring you should write all the time you should never go up Like he'd bring up he wouldn't even bring a Now he doesn't drink, so I guess you can say it. But he didn't drink now, so I don't think he gives a shit. Like, cause I, you know, you get bored doing a lot of road work.

1:54:32 people come out, and it would set the stage. And then as the song plays, I'll maybe fucking throw off a shirt, pound a beer. The damn thing don't lie. Bam-a-lam. We pound it. I've had a lot of shots on stage before You can't function That's like a great new closer for you i bring and then we do like a bunch and the crowd loved it because they were like oh that's right the And then the black guy would be like, can a player get some conversation?

1:56:55 It was great. I'm like, yeah, his name's Imaginary. And he goes, Journeys Don't Stop Believin'. And it's like just this like living in a lonely just a small text like I'm like, we're done. woman on stage and we were dancing to alcohol pussy and weed and I've got her pinned like donkey and your legs were over her shoulders it's really Because then what happens is you have the story that maybe a comic tells another comic.

1:59:34 And you're like that was uninspiring and it's a moment I've given this to every comic that wants to use it. Don't worry about that. The perfect setup. feel free to use it. on the show man you're fucking hilarious this is one of the most fun podcasts i've ever had me too Enter in the Fleshlight, the thing. And that is also with the young and talented Ari Shaffir.

2:02:07 I know that Jay is concerned about that, In New York. material is like all right yeah okay okay who remembers finger fucking by the handball courts and now you have blown out by Tracy Morgan But he just didn't word it right, right? It tastes like sweat socks, just like, and I'm like, what the fuck is this? and i was like no i smoke pcp i'm feeling weird and he goes whatever you do shorty don't go to

2:05:01 And he's in the back. But like two o'clock in the morning and Tracy and the waitress comes up. And he goes, hey. This is imaginary. this is not real Just up onto the street And we're looking at Tracy like, fuck, this is crazy. You really did that? I would never leave that guy's side. Fuck. You just thought you were. And I mean, I don't know. Not if you're crazy.

2:08:35 He's just playing with you It's be RT k are e is Later. Bye. Bye.