Joe Rogan Experience #731 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Already got the top off the vodka. That's my... I don't know, Joe. Acid. That's it. Anyone that really that's been working with me knows this I order two meals I haven't paid for a meal in 11 months. I think that's the reason he left the Travel Channel, is that they wouldn't let him go to those places. You have to get pretty much your own insurance almost.

2:16 Montana experience. We went pheasant hunting That guy's addicted to 59, and he just every day trains. Super into it. She's he looked just a few years ago. Is he still smoking cigarettes? Except for the occasional one. You know? And you've gone to to battle together there is an intimacy when someone more fun than being some guy trying to climb the corporate ladder

4:54 most art of martial arts in my print in my opinion because it's the most open to That's all you need. Eddie Bravo's one of them, of course. So they're all learning this like super complicated leg lock game from this guy who was like a philosophy PhD major that everybody's playing with their body this is going to sound like a really silly question but

7:45 It's like, don't you agree that as stand-up comedians, And I'm fucking howling in the back. I feel clumsy on stage. I mean, I kind of always do. defense mechanism that guys put on. about, oh, my act's perfect right now. But nope, it's just a ladle. You take chunks of them and you create other bits with them. because uh it's a year after my last special and i have like a full set now and now i'm just trying

11:17 impulse i don't like to i don't like to be in a relationship with creativity so like i don't i'm I'm not gonna I don't want to fuck with that I'm bored like I want the new I want the new next We were talking about this the other day. And I'll be inspired. It's like, you know, like if you ever say fuck around your grandma, it's like, whoa. It was just, it's filled with, no!

13:40 Just cigarette breath. couple that it doesn't seem like they'd ever everyone's heard the story or I sell well you gotta think about with life sometimes I just like see the JRE like a big gay bear I was like, wait, maybe I just got to do my laugh. you listen to it and i was like yeah i have definitely and man. And I was like, yep. And he was like, you listen to it? And I was like, yeah, I have.

15:55 Do you know who Bert Kreischer is? And I said, Bert Kreischer. I know Joey. I put wasabi on it. Oh, yeah. She was a humiliatrix. things like getting fucked by guys and they send it to her and then she holds it and threatens to What was really fascinating is they said something about that first sexual experience you have it sets an imprint for who you're gonna be sexually

18:25 She's like, you should check out some of my stuff. Oh. 28 years old. you know like i've never been any i'm like a meat and potatoes fucker like like i go in i have sex Fucking not at all. And it's a very real switch. necessarily say that this is like a moral choice that you make that it's different there's there's an intense and i don't even necessarily say that

21:21 They love it. I think there's a lot of different people in the world, man. person who wants to pay for Sarah Lynch's But one big thing that does happen with a lot of them is they have kids and they change. i'll introduce you to him next time we get drunk again I was like, someone's got to be able to get in there. The other day, all right, you know what?

23:36 toes with a with no pausing in between jerking off every fucking time i'm not sure if i want about sitting Indian style? For the uninitiated, Why do you remember that Indian style Yeah, and they're fucking in L.A. Yeah, yeah. Is that your daughter's school? because you wouldn't say Oh, yeah, gypsy. No, hold on. Because there's things when we said when kids, like, you call people ninnies.

26:33 And they're like, cotton pick a minute has to do something with black people. one cotton pick a minute it says wait a little longer than a minute. Wait a long fucking minute. That's dumb. And when you say one cotton-picking minute, who the fuck is thinking about racism? because that word has now aged like a fine wine. But to call someone that for being gay is a terrible thing to do, right?

28:51 Etymology? A bundle of wood meant you were, So when you were acting like a pain in the ass woman, Yes, I am. Like it was a sport so much that it became a name. Yeah. those gay guys that slur. It became a cigarette. I'm not butchering that right look that up make sure I'm not butchering that So if you have a fanny pack, I wear Yeah. aren't what's important.

32:31 Oh my god, you're a racist. I'm gonna shame you. I'm gonna blog. And the reason why they do it is because it gets attention. formula one in britain which one there's a guy that ran formula one in britain that got caught the only way to get through public shaming is to not give a fuck about the Cause that's how Charlie Sheen got through everything up until now.

33:56 So he did suck a dude's dick? I haven't seen it. And said that he had HIV. right? That's way more common than a guy with HIV in the Western world who finds out It's definitely not nice. Yeah, it's not politically correct to say, but there's very little evidence. I guess I was getting insurance and I had to get an AIDS test. I was scared. Oh my god really difficult to get that because a man is injecting his dick inside of a girl and coming

37:39 People do, people have done DMT. Vodka tampons. I had some people one night, and I was drunk. They're like, listen, it's very, oh, my first, not worth telling but one of the I got an AIDS test in 95 and uh And this seems to be a consensus. If you come on someone's back, I'm pretty sure they're not going to get AIDS. Malaria has killed, ready for this?

40:17 Because malaria is a motherfucker. Jamie, can someone help find type in sickle cell How sickle cell hemoglobin protects against malaria. That's racist. that everybody was like where's walter like where's he was like super talented really good And I was like, I don't think so. disease ever. But everybody's scared of AIDS. don't worry now has ever not gotten

44:04 And then you live, yes. But if you don't get the shots... Oh, I see what you're saying. So if you don't get the shots, you still die? No, you have to get the shots within two days. And then you live? And then you live, yes. But if you don't get kicking in. Your rabies. you never have one of those times where you just looked at your dick a bunch Was it just like a sore from fucking too hard?

46:01 fucking putting shit all over your balls and dicks thinking you're going to fix something. And now you can't stop fucking with them. You're just like nonstop. start starts with like, you know, come home and it wasn't even and by the way Don't marinate your dick. So yeah, you'd have to get an encyclopedia. If you got an encyclopedia or a medical encyclopedia, would they talk about dick warts and home remedies like pickling your dick and vinegar?

48:34 time. if your battery was dying. Yeah, man. now there's a great I believe it was radio lab there was a great yes it was Radiolab. There was a great, yes, it was Radiolab, on patient zero. Might have had sex with a woman or it might, it's just by virtue of the way men have sex, gay men have sex. Yes. is a compromised immune system which are poppers, and meth. And they just love to party because they don't have kids that

52:20 And he was saying, what, you get outside of that cloud of emotion that's attached inhibitors and i think that's one of the ways that they, uh, have figured out how to, I think they have even better stuff now. Unperceivable thank you. You can't you can't test it when you test them they show up negative That's what it seems like to me. You have the flu and you get fucking hammered and start doing meth, you're going to

55:12 Definitely politically incorrect. your diet and you started eating healthy and you started exercising on a daily basis, how it's everyone's looking for a one or the other. Ronald Reagan. are you guys not taking AIDS serious? Yeah. now, I won't even share because I don't like public shaming. It's these people that are just looking to be outraged. If you're not prosecuted, then definitely shamed.

58:11 gone from being a guy who's been loved his entire with like hey man i'm bill nice to meet you so like just staring down like dc benny's got a story and Bill Cosby's raping this woman. not cool, man. I think so. Yeah. Was she black too? of it i think was that uh women who like men's women who wear pads love to smell their menstruation I didn't know that.

1:01:28 Yeah. She got destroyed to the point Right. rape right and so what they do is they basically you pay them and then they flood the internet That would be the smart thing to deal with if somebody was fucking with you. stories all day long about things that she did like constantly and make them some of them seem Did Rogan really? Oh, but it got out there, and I didn't read the website.

1:04:26 It's like a mountain lion. And I told him the same thing about, like, you should go online, like pictures of him and Leonardo DiCaprio kissing. Soda. Something that has flavor. Do you watch his Periscopes? Was that good? outside, Brian. That's the only thing you had? and let the sun hit them. We're very rarely out in the sun. he just got a big chunk of his face cut off.

1:07:06 I'm a moley guy, and it's scary because a lot of my moles look like they should be cancer, they're like, yep, you got to cut it out. He runs a lot. He's a beast right yeah he's he's doing he's getting ready now for a a double ultra marathon it's something that's fucking insane yeah but you know what i'll say this uh guys like cameron and uh who's the guy

1:08:54 and then possibly someone would hit you with buckshot When we went to your house, she saw that. I want to feel like I did something. because you're in the jungle or you're in the woods and a bear might roll up on you. What you I've never done that sporting clay stuff, but it sounds really fun. So, like, some will be like a rabbit where the clay rolls on the ground

1:11:40 it and then there is this thing that hits on your head and hits in your fucking cerebellum where But it was, I mean, it's fucking packed. that's the one thing about that video is I posted it I was like hunters and focus on them. And when you're forced to I mean, you're constantly doing things, and you have all these obligations and all these people tugging at you all the time.

1:13:31 It takes you back to society fucks up what being a man is about so much. I fucking love MMA. because I was standing up and drinking a beer. Yeah. two year old child I'm watching well I'm watching all the fights but Conor McGregor two hour difference precious Irish like you know that guy and i'm like yeah it's it's like but it's a connection to life where you're

1:16:12 or fucking takes him down or whatever, BW3s was it. Ricky Patton. That's funny. Don't use that defense. He was on an iPad the whole time. I'm standing up having a beer. You have to be seated. There used to be a rule that we thought for the longest time with the Tempe improv that you weren't allowed to drink on stage. Yeah bought a flask a flask and a bottle of Jack and then we're drinking on stage

1:19:05 So in Utah, is that true, Brian? you can't see the bartender in another spot. Wow. Like another part the exception in Utah. Because I wish I knew where we were in Utah because it's a smaller, it's not bar and walks to the bathroom? I can't have you walking around with that. This is a white guy. I'm kidding. Like, I'm never, I'm not that guy. Who says this?

1:22:05 Then you just go, Cause I can't, Cause I will have panic. Well, are we going to be honest or are we going to lie? How Geraldo went out hold on, how much Ambien did he have and how much Xanax did he have? Because I think he was partying at the time. But it doesn't take away from the fact that he had an issue with pills he definitely didn't mean he wasn't a

1:24:48 rehab if you're on benzos really yeah yeah buddy you couldn't go to rehab I love Greg. It doesn't make him any less of an awesome guy, you know, or an amazing comedian, or just a fucking joy to be around. And so like sometimes I've been like No, I like to get into meditation. I really like to. Do you ever exercise or anything like that no i'd like to get into meditation i

1:26:52 I think I'm about I just started doing it. No, just me. I'm cool with fruits. I'm cool with a lot of vegetables. snack and a lot of avocado and you've been doing this for uh right now i'm six days six days and It's not hard to do when you're doing stand-up. Actually, two or three. We already shot a full season. how often are you doing stand-up? I take that back.

1:30:07 my heart is in stand-up it's always been in stand-up the only thing i'm proud of in my life get in their life i mean like like from doing the show this doing the show is like it's amazing i and i was just sitting in a rice patty going like i was like uh it was one of the coolest calls ever I always – I'm like that – I got the same shit that those star athlete

1:32:27 Tommy Segura. And now, granted, and Ari and I talk about this. I'm just remembering this. And in that not giving a fuck, having not giving a fuck money, like true not giving a fuck money, is when you can be yourself. don't consider anything i've done really whoring it out i hoarded out for like six years doing I think podcast and stand-up is, like, the way to go.

1:35:07 Like if you want to go out to the salt and sea and go visit that fucking weird But you have to do it with a camera and you have to be with these people. No doubt about it. I'm not a big, I'm not, I like all their, actually I like all their crazy ideas. they started us i don't know but i don't know if they started us just as much as i don't know if And then I pick it up for a few days and I'll throw it down again.

1:36:58 Yeah. My dad, Yeah. And so my dad doesn't believe in any of that shit. classes and a lot of their shit makes sense I dated a girl who went to Scientology acting class What a private moment is, you would go on stage and you would just do stuff. But watching this whole thing go down, Everyone's going to look at you. You realize that could be a TV show on Comedy Central if you just did that with comics

1:40:13 as an example, this bar A lot of smokers, you know, want to smoke in a bar, blah, blah, blah. how he hacks normal, everyday And he does this like every episode. I know his name. I know Judah. Not Franklin. Did you ever hear his coach one? because they have their own search they have the comedy central live they have their own I bite my tongue sometimes.

1:42:44 I love you, Ari. This is what? Yeah. I love you, Ari. Look, fucking people find content is where you find content. Okay. guy's back now I'm looking at ear cleaning now I'm watching opium gym like that's how it goes So when they go, we don't want any of our content on YouTube because it's a bunch of ad sales dollars that we're missing out on. Maybe they're accurate in some extent,

1:44:57 and they would make plenty of money and i don't think it would cost them shit because no one's The fucking commercials are brutal. Another thing Brian's being paid for. The more Ari has his content on at certain times, but the fact that we have free content You think I look at Become My Minions is the guy's name. spent on advertising. On billboards,

1:47:02 is so fucking smart. No, you're not you're not a petty guy Maybe I'm broad-stroking that. I don't get it. Well, I don't get that. I do good crowd work. And, like, I don't know how you do it the way I do, but like I go But with crowd work, what your thing is. about notes comedy central was given and ari's take was're wrong. Like, just so impervious to critique.

1:50:22 It's not good. with people that aren't creative. Like, and I would go, what are they saying? And he would tell me what they would say. You know, it's really stupid. Well, we'll Joey will come out. So we do the normal way. Doug, stand up. Like that's not what we're here to do And it didn't just so happen content despite what you may believe your content is i woke up this morning i got a text tweet from

1:54:00 the whole thing. It's called F is for Family. They're fucking getting it. the fucking the the multi-camera shoot sitcoms? Well, who could possibly do that? Door kicks in. Kramer. to get through it because Andy was so I was watching the video. george's wife who died in the show died because died because he didn't like her, like, acting with her. For five years.

1:57:14 but they have issues like that. on the executive's desks He literally said, to paraphrase, You'll never see that show in syndication. they can't fill that fucker up and then once they get what they always wanted and they're still not happy, they don't know what the fuck to do. But I have no interest in – and we were talking about this before you walked in,

1:59:38 Like Larry David is a creative, brilliant man. And he, by all accounts, is a very level guy. plate that you watch a lot of, you can only watch so many shows. For whatever reason, Seinfeld the disaster yeah disaster and it was uncomfortable it was bad like you literally he fell and he He's acting all fucked up. because I got there at the comedy store right after he had gone wacky at the comedy store and there's a buzz around and Brian

2:02:17 Unlaced Adidas. and then putting it on the internet, and it just ruining that person. Wow. First of all, that woman did not record it. No, but right there, to whittle it down to this, and he was a dick to her, and then she had to leave, This is, as Joey Diaz would say, this is that pedophile smoke there with the church. But how many fucking, what if they have a cell phone in their sock?

2:05:18 That's an arena, though. I think they do nowadays. Oh, perfect. And they don't go like, all you guys are very honest. That was what he was going to say. how does it poke out i uh i tried sitting up in bed the other day, and I just noticed that my stomach had what looked like a sail in the center of my stomach. I hung out with a doctor. And I know there's a lot of crossover fans.

2:07:58 To do a Super Bowl party? You're going to be there. He'll give out his address. Then I wrote back, that's exactly what I wanted to i'm gonna get to like 230 and see where i'm at okay how about just get it checked out i can just Fucking no health checks. You're not allowed to ride on a horse? The new Game of Thrones horses. Prank caller. just at my leg, just staring at the door, sleeping face to the door.

2:11:05 Who fucks... Who? Okay. Here's another weird thing. And, you know, it's one of those things that I do not know if there's a fucking solution for. and you're talking about how much you have to drink You're hilarious. They've missed. freaking out and finding a way to kill the humans. To focus on the mechanism in which You can hit the blinkers. You have to show all this competency

2:15:47 I would say a lot of people are idiots. and all the crazy shit that you and I know of that we could never invent on our own. Too high. That's what scares me the most. Well, It's exactly what you said. Jim Jeffries has a very... Here's Australia. It's gigantic. Yep, same size. What are the real numbers? I love people that have the courage to do something illegal to better their life.

2:18:50 of people doing it wrong it's against our... It's a good question. It's against what you don't treat them, give them open arms it's very strange like girls are joining and they're getting killed you know they're one one Sitting in a cave, like, hey, I'll blow you, Don't even call it a name. like what is it that can these things down here can convince themselves of by manipulation of communication

2:22:32 forget it just forget even the language that's been spoken in look at it in terms of what are It's all bad parenting. Well, to all the ancient cultures, right? So they made them get in a boat and go over to Australia and live there, right? It's a civilization that emerged or a culture that emerged out of a break from an old culture. So your experience begets kind of open-mindedness.

2:25:31 seems like is you have one city and then you have these strange areas that are controlled by warlords And that's what McCain said. That's how they would get them to talk. anymore and then someone American GI comes along and he's like yeah man what and his bearded face bore the creases of a man burdened with the duties Fuck that shit. Yeah, you were talking about

2:28:24 and right when you go to pay at the gas station... There's like porn almost, where it's like a naked lighter container and there's a breath mint container and right when you go to pay at the gas station. And then what's crazy, though, is that this guy in a wheelchair recently came to the show. What did you say? bitch versions of what you can get at 7-Eleven for $6.

2:29:50 Sure. Maybe. you're just getting jacked up on testosterone sure as well maybe but i'm saying if you want to if you're if you're gonna fuck like a 21 year old you're like you know i i better do something right here i'm just saying go with that one yeah but what i'm saying is like i i appreciate the uh the stronger there's some really strong ones that you uh you eat they're orals i think one of them

2:31:12 but uh he was on this stuff this and i'll draw 50 shit and he said some guy said something to him at I don't think this was jujitsu training. people ever i was just on his podcast and he's like the boner pill connoisseur like he knows It's a really great interview. He doesn't agree with that. it do does it oh no all i need is something that doesn't make me cum as fast no well that's

2:33:38 Everybody's different, Phil. That stuff that's in like NO2 max and all these pump things. automatically get a heart out of nowhere. It's like more like a swollen, like a snake bite. So here's the thing. Here's the thing is that it's like everything's dialed up to 10. Yeah, it's more like a swollen snake bite. Your muscles are experiencing this. like if you did exercise

2:35:27 So if I took one, I would just feel like a rock star But when you flip over, you want to have a nice, healthy dick so she can take care of you. he understands like the the rules on things like this He said that what they do is they essentially just fine you, That's why they're selling them. So I stopped with that one. and it's crazy but it's totally true when you buy stuff like from these random companies in china there

2:38:11 100%. Like, this doesn't make any sense. press conference and said that i took this weird viagra shit and that's why the the tests were so What was that? it would either be Roy Jones Jr. or Mike Tyson. Roy Jones Jr. barely threw jabs. what a different level juiced up and he was tough as It had never been recorded before. or Julio Cesar Chavez might have had, like, a more gritty, in-your-face game,

2:42:04 like a straight right. Oh, no right left like a straight right and oh I was there, man. He fought the killer from Detroit. Dropped his hands, and then Toney dropped his hands in response. And then Roy leaps in with a left cook cracks right in the chin and drops him And Vinny Pazienza was a tough guy. his actual frame was nowhere near the frame of Roy's.

2:44:19 Dude, it's crazy watching this. Gerald McClellan, how do I know that name? He was nasty. There was like a clash of heads. He can't walk. It I think it affected Roy Jones How many concussions do you think is too many? a shoe. I saw the flash of light. I'll ballpark mine. I've had a ballpark it. I'll ballpark mine. You know, and just me and some other meathead had beaten the fuck out of each other in the gym.

2:47:56 developed this over the years it's just my my uh style of focusing on things if i don't give a And what I don't give a fuck about, where my car is. The upside? but he was the uh you know the star of the super bowl that guy was an animal and now he's all 100%, man. It's a fucking hard sport, dude. And they're trying to get you because you got that ball.

2:50:23 Yeah. Jesus Christ Wow. Would that be intimidating? Like he came out so perfectly. Like, I need to prepare mine to present it. just say they'd mock his dick they'd mock it I mean you heard about Justin like a horse. no connection to either of our dicks. I'm just saying. Here you are. like this. Dick cream? let's, Like an Andy Warhol dick. Why? Because they're real.

2:54:36 It's not a dick. That's like half of the thrill of it. You wouldn't want that. The humiliation. No, I just got to the place where I'm so fucked up. Dark ones? Realness Oh sock more like I want real let's wrap this bitch up. This is going south rubber sheet over the Yeah, it's been there forever. Come on inside. What does that mean? Okay, like a really sheer shirt or something like that?

2:57:43 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the Moore kids. What are we at? James Lennon. Leave that little kid alone. No, it's a fucking grown-up. It's a real grown- Moore. Type in Rumor Moore. Nipple. No, don't. Yeah, that's a wrap. Oh, that fucking place is the bomb diggity. It's Al Madrigal, Greg Fitzsimmons, and Tony Hinchcliffe will be there as well.