Joe Rogan Experience #732 — Whitney Cummings Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Do I look cute? It's all downhill from here. I'm insecure. Easier to read or at least you just like people more. I like everybody So I never really met you, but you were, like, this deity at the comedy store. I feel like so many other comedians that I admire, I at least have had some FaceTime with, That's true, but I'm just saying. Yeah. Yeah. You just said hi to him?

2:35 and then based on a limited interaction, Sometimes you get to use that word. Or being redundant. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU THAT I CAN'T DELIVER WHAT KNOW, I WAS IN THE SHOW, AND I WAS LIKE, I'M NOT GOING TO DELIVER THIS TO ANYONE. I'M GOING with a guy where, and I'll never forget this because I didn't know Have you seen the movie The Staircase? Is that when he throws her down the staircase?

4:02 It's phenomenal. I know, that's what I said. I promise you. It's phenomenal. You're a hustler. Maybe the difference between, the similarity between me and you, I grew up playing sports. Yeah. Yeah. I had to choose. Don't go well together. Was it more rewarding? Well, modeling was paying my bills. It was the way I was raised was, you know, your appearance was very valued.

7:15 zero, but she still needs to lose five pounds. That's what women are supposed to look like and which I think is where a lot of my achievements are. But I think that I sought it out from other people, not necessarily from my parents. Anything that's addictive. So I am. Damn. So I was like arrogant and developed an ego of like, I'm the angel in the house.

10:16 You dated guys who were illiterate? I dated a lot of, like, alcoholics, needy people, troubled people. HOW DID YOU KNOW? HE HAD SOME BAD ONES. I was born, you know, no one planned me. Whoa. you. helping them band-aid it's enabling yeah yeah well I mean there's some people that just need money i mean i've had friends that just needed money yes some So this is an all the time thing?

13:11 And now I still have to work hard to sort of pay for all these other things, Really? It's an armor. Stunning? sorry to interrupt you, you're in the middle on head trauma. I do have workaholism, which means you define yourself through productivity. Is that possible? and self-aware. is just not cute anymore. Nope. this is, Really? It's like, what kind of crazy?

16:39 That's interesting because guys don't ever have to worry about that. And then for a girl to be like that is like, she's crazy. Am I stalking you don't you think that that's a power move though that people do that to try to like make you feel insecure and if they are crazy, well, stop hanging out with them. Some good words. Because it's so belittling.

18:26 Yeah, you can't really get mad at someone for been is when a guy said Bitch, cunt. I have PTSD. They actually just make me lose respect for you. They're like clam shells. And he goes, you know what, Whitney? And it just meant like all of you is too much. Yeah, see, but it tapped What kind of car you got? Why would you do that? have money. I don't see my, you know, I don't think

21:27 to another older wealthy woman, Oh, bummer. Can Richard Branson wear knee-high suede? Who earned it? Well, does it? So it's not like, oh, she could do something that I can't do. it. When you don't have it and someone else has it, But I do feel like I have become... This funnel. Spit on you? I'm a woman. I'm a woman. Wash your hands first. You could never be single by by the way, today.

25:01 My immune system is on point. Yeah. So he stuck his hand in my mouth I can't wait. Got spit on in the face. No, actually. Here's the thing about this nebulous wealth that I have. So he wanted to spit on you? And if you date someone who likes weird shit, I mean, I'm just, fuck it. For sure. Yes. And then so I just thought that's how you did it I was so embarrassed.

28:51 Perceived. WOW. SO MOST MEN ARE DATING GIRLS I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. Nurse. There's no doctor. There's a lot of that in those porn movies. It's never like she's like, you're fired, Never. don't think that there's like there's a broad dynamic right there's a lot of That's true. I can't unsee it. Like, I just want, like, in a relationship, I don't want to be the alpha.

32:02 I want you to talk. Hit me up. You'll pay the valet. You pay the... I won't pay the ostensible bill. You'll pay the valet. so that he... I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I get to alchemize this and sublimate this pain into jokes. I try to take like three months off take a break and rewire my brain. That's not true. Yeah. You're concerned. He doesn't need money.

34:42 He's got the most bizarre house. What are you going to do? Doug Stanhope. I SAW HIM IN THE COMEDY STORE. HE HAD THAT PLASTIC GALLON OF VODKA. ARIZONA. REGULAR. HE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND, BINGO, WHO'S LEGITIMATELY OUT OF HER FUCKING MIND CRAZY. into survival mode i'm sure his body's just trying to keep him alive i don't have time to right HE'S MY AGE. I'M LIKE, I'VE HAD A BUNCH. SURGERIES? YEAH. THINGS BRE like, how many surgeries have you had? I'm like, I've had a bunch.

36:56 I used to be worried. No, no, no. I've got to get an MRI. RG3? Really? Well, the only reason I know is because the guy that owns it was explaining to me and then they open you up like a fish and then they drill it into the knee, the tibia and the fibula. LIKE I WAS, I WENT TO A PARTY FIVE DAYS AFTERWARDS. I MEAN, I DIDN'T HAVE FULL FLEXATION. Two years. I just had

39:37 When you're you know engaging a sport for 20 years and the whole purpose of the sport is trying to break body Literally pulled it off myself. See, that, you've got, see, I have that inner monologue of if it hurts, But you can get, if your shoulder's still fucked up, PRP. And people always ask, how much does it cost? I did rows. I used to have to wear that shirt

41:46 Does that narrow it down? All the fucking Germans, always. They take stem cell through your own fat or through your bone marrow. You do? Yeah. just to deal with the amount of patients the overwhelming amount of patients Really? For the inside of it. Oh, got it. Oh, yeah. Wow. And I fell down a flight of stairs, smashed my nose, and it's been crooked ever since.

44:58 and that blood calcifies. So it's hard to breathe, and if you open your mouth and you get hit with your jaw open, you get fucked up. They trim the turbinates. So you had some sort of inflammation? Yeah. You know what you need? Can I get a Joe Rogan fanny pack please? I was carrying a purse it's just like, You just sit there I'm like, these exercises, I'm like, I'm just doing it at home.

47:47 Really? So I had to relearn how to like, you get like a bone spurt and your bones grow too fast. mutt alcoholism gene. And so the bones get like, does it hurt or just just sticks out? I had like a, just grew too fast. You have to buy him large dog food. HE WAS GETTING LIKE HE WOULD HAVE A LIMP. He's just growing so fast. They cut the bone so the bone, like, it doesn't, you know, like, instead of it, like, falling backwards, they cut it at an angle so that it doesn't do that.

49:57 I mean, I'm sure we'll look back in 20 years and there'll be so much new technology. Yes. were telling him, I mean, is milk as good for you Here's the deal with milk. That's a big one because water that's run off from the fields, from pastures where cows and they're just eating salad dressing. Yeah, it's hard. That guy's not good. How would you feel if you went to a date with a guy and you went to a fancy restaurant and he pulled out, he had a bag with him, like a velvet bag.

52:40 Jacob's Creek? Actor, do ya. up oh christ and then when they took the plate away he took it back down oh he's gotta die you know, I don't like it when guys hurt themselves. High-fived you? I FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN SHOT. YEAH. I was like, that's when I realized, oh, I am now gender neutral. Yeah, I think that's where I heard about the salad dressing. Joe Rogan's bossy.

56:00 and don't even realize how they're acting. But then she was going on about, It was personal, I think. She's like a high-powered executive. But he teaches one class, rides his bike everywhere. I'm like, you would like him actually. So I was asking him if he thought humans were inherently a matriarchy or a patriarchy and what animals are a patriarchy and which are a matriarchy.

58:34 DO YOU KNOW HYENAS, THE FEMAILS HAVE FAKE DICKS? So to keep them from eating the babies, the women are the gangsters. I have a real problem with wildlife. them to be up and running around. if someone's pissed off, they fuck them. and that's, you know, you're being... But we're not sort of allowed to do that a lot in this society. and she's obsessed with getting married

1:01:07 She's the one who's, like, in my house that are mine, because I don't understand it. Like, I'll make fun of it, but it's.... I MOCK IT BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. IT'S SO LOADED. And a lot of feminists or a lot of feminism doesn't mean being equal. alive 2000 years ago. So essentially all the things that annoy your girl going through your was a tiger around.

1:03:14 feminist that's always concerned so much of it is about gender. It is a bummer. Well, I had this woman, Christina Summers, on my podcast a couple weeks ago. because what you're not talking about is, well, what are the jobs they choose? wrote this article two weekends ago and we're working on something together, Right. I think it's a harder gig for a woman.

1:06:06 Well, she's a child now. And she's very talented as well. So it's not. Well, I think it's the same thing that you were talking about it's hard to I'm like I'm gonna run to Starbucks yeah the wrong guys I do date the... You've got too much... Oh my God, that guy's got plenty of hate. I might be lazy in comparison to him. And instead, they start attacking that mirror.

1:08:24 That's a good way to look at it Use it. Yeah. There's not this one genius that comes down from the mountain with all the great ideas. It's like it's kind of a dirty word when people say I'm ambitious. I'm not just flying through space unconsciously the way I used to. I wouldn't work this hard. Yeah. It wouldn't even be, there's not even a thing. For an occupation?

1:10:49 Tommy picked them up. Yeah. I wasn't like, this is great. say if you start talking about um a clock and you start doing a bit about a clock, you're doing a bit about the clock. So it's so hard to like. To be in the moment while you're talking about the subject. and I'm actually not bringing this up because of your occupation, but I think it is very,

1:13:20 It's like what I do next depends on what you just did. asleep at the wheel. Sometimes I fall asleep at the wheel. Do you do a lot of sets? Is that what I wish I could pretend like I just. That's because you come from athlete. It's got to be. Good. Well, that's why you're you and he a man for, like, preparing. That's so, like... Yeah, but it doesn't work. Good.

1:15:10 because, you know, what comedian came up to him. Ever heard of it? He's got sunglasses on in inside during the filming wait isn't that what we're doing here like I was like he was saying that alternative I have to be a geek. But I also write. I was always, you know, people always, not people always, but whenever people say I'm smart, I get so confused because I got smart because I was not smart enough.

1:18:05 But what, you know, like, accumulation of information is not necessarily intelligence. Yeah. But you're insightful and intuitive and, you know, For so long, yeah. And they think it's the first time I've ever heard it. the comedy store is the way Mitzi lit it is you're blinded by the light like, a lot of those people are not actors. the funny guy in the group. You're the funny

1:20:40 from my shit. You are opening the door. encounter people that are just trying to have fun. And those people john bulby's theory of attachment which is to try to rewire your neural pathways in terms of how we If you take 10 deep breaths without a cigarette, that's going to calm you down. I do his breathing method before every set now. I'm fine. I eat really healthy for the most part.

1:23:10 I was waiting for this to come up. Wow. I'm working on it. No, I'm scared. Really? um a friend of mine the other night and there was like a drink on the and i'll just drink other like SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT HIS THEY WERE LIKE, OH, YEAH, YOU YOUR EYES? very good point. Or do I look like to the center I never looked them in the eye. I would always look at people like this.

1:26:19 But eye contact is, like, the most aggressive shit you can do. But even if they weren't, I would just say hi. You have a liver. When they kill something, like if you kill a caribou, the alpha wolf will eat the liver. food stopped eating the bones and what they thought was the leftover trash and years, there was no talking. Which sometimes talking is just confuses people. I feel like

1:28:38 They don't know what it is. it led us to these problem-solving skills, all these different, And his is based on psilocybin. they would shit, and then these psilocybin mushrooms would grow on cow patties. So that would make a better hunter and more likely to breed. IT'S OKAY. ISN'T THERE ONE THAT'S... NO. NO, NO, NO. SILocybin is magic mushrooms, psychedelic mushrooms.

1:30:51 I still have scars on my knuckles. Don't be jealous. On acid? This is never going to end. You have to just succumb to it. If I did it now, I probably could acquiesce a little better. Sensory deprivation tank. It should be a lot deeper than two inches. No, I'm saying a person's body. And you have to have like 11 inches or so of water. I would never do that.

1:33:28 I'd be like, well, I mean, with people that argue over shit like that. Makes it funny. until you find the right guy and then it'll be great yeah it's not that it's just it's it's But I also think about it a lot. I love it. No, don't do that. Addiction is nasty. And all that was just such a bummer to me. You might be right. You're right. And it's also not just time.

1:36:28 Yeah, definitely. A lot of people become interesting because of adversity they face when they're children. I mean, people don't think about the fact that, like, in the 20s, this country had to outlaw drinking. But this is what happened. But what they did is they empowered organized crime. But all of it, it's just a control issue. Yeah. I've never I've never even thought about dying.

1:39:14 All this taboo around it. You can't tell people what they can and can't do with their body. So that was our parents and our parents' parents. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. KNOWS THAT CRYING GETS HER I'M NOT GOING TO ENABLE WILLY HURT. like a baby sound. but you also let him know. I go, look, There's this book called The Fantasy Bond about what happens when kids are ignored,

1:41:29 And I've told this story before, but it was very bizarre. light slap in bed I don't think it was a light slap I think there was like some Poor Tony's like, what? We're back. But yeah, I think it's like depends on who's doing the hitting. I love how- when I got hazed so hard, And they were like, we're going to crush your soul. which have you ever even seen lights on in the OR?

1:44:05 Whoa. But he then admitted to me, finally, that was me that stole your backpack. Telling it Fuck with them Yeah I'm grateful That word again. So adversity at the comedy and so on and stuff, For anybody. And when you grow, I grew up in an environment that was very like, you know, idle hands is Yeah. Like right now, there's nothing that's like keeping me up at night

1:46:21 Like a month. Where'd you film? and and shoot it here so i shot my last one in irvine and then this one in santa monica we're I love the other. But then you're in a hotel, and then you're tired, into legalization we and all that kind of stuff but it's like for me it's like i don't think most I feel like for me, and maybe it's just because I'm a girl and I need my shit and my makeup artist and my fucking hair extensions.

1:48:33 Because when people are like, Why would bigger places? All ego. No one cares. and Kevin Hart, like, no one cares. Number two, you cut to it and then you see the Ross Perot T-shirt, so you know exactly. The director I used was fucking insisting on that. I mean, how many people can get up on a stage and make a crowd laugh for an hour? Kill it for an hour and might be a thousand in the country.

1:50:27 I would say 500. How many neurosurgeons are there? And then all of a sudden you're shooting your special, the taping, and then we change the circumstances entirely. There's things behind you. I was only like 400 people I mean, yeah, what does he know about comedy? I've been doing comedy for 26 years. Did he direct your shit or something? And I was like, look.

1:52:41 You see me, like, my hair will, like, forget. But anything that throws a curveball at me But that's what I think we are best at, having shit thrown at us and us having to deal with So I think for me and the first couple, How do you have just a real present performance and then also be aware that you're filming this? Yes. THEM. I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE A REAL PRESENT

1:53:56 SHOW IN A NIGHT? THAT'S THE BENEFIT OF HBO IS THEY HAVE A LITTLE MORE MONEY BUT THAT WAS HELPFUL TO ME BECAUSE THE FIRST SHOW IS WORKING OUT THE KINKS WITH Yeah, it was actually great. I mean, that's the benefit of HBO is they have a little more money. But that was helpful to me because the first show is just working out the kinks with the camera guys so that, you know, you do a great performance and God forbid they don't even catch it.

1:54:21 It's on YouTube. No, no. Jesus Christ. You're dying at every joke, clapping, fucking slapping your knee, going crazy. There's something weird about being there while someone's performing. I went and saw Justin Timberlake when I was in Vegas. was dancing the entire time like Michael Jackson. Semen, it really is very tissue regenerating. And I was like, no, I'm just used to seeing it on tiny screens.

1:56:56 it's just so weird to me because i i don't i have such career body dysmorphia but also career Like, a lot of women want to be assertive and powerful and they want, they just want I do not operate. Good point. I'm a big fan of eyebrows. fear-driven. It's not confidence. that you don't know that about your wife. So I put the tweezers. many calories. for my body because everything I do is like.

1:59:39 Yeah. like too flexible, basically. Okay. because it's one of the things that you when you're teaching martial arts one of the things If you watch some of the best strikers, they strike in sort of an effortless way. AND HE WAS HELPING ME WITH THE, WHAT ARE THOSE LITTLE THINGS YOU PUT IN POOLS THAT HELP YOU Oh, use all your muscles. If I was going to lift something, I would use my vertebrae.

2:02:06 You know, stuff like that. And I had to drive to Vegas. too. It's about my mind. be the first person. You can find them. It's all like anorexic, unemployed people. But it's of yoga at all. It's hard. You can find them. We're in this like magnet, okay? What's he doing? you know, no animals were harmed. It's definitely a full-time job if you do it right.

2:04:35 and God forbid you're behind on your bills, You go to a woman to help you cry? I failed that project. The amygdala tells my hippocampus something bad is happening, I never cried until I was like 27. What? I never cried. I never not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. So just, like, pretend like everything's fine.

2:07:11 They can't do that. Yeah. is that I wonder if, What if I get mentally healthy? You fix yourself. But imagine how great Pryor would have been if he was a little more sober. fucked up i probably shouldn't be doing comedy well that's the crutch you know crutch that like They were interviewing because, you know, Anthony had a serious heroin problem when he was younger.

2:10:02 I was like, my nose doesn't even hurt. And they were talking about this overwhelming heroin issue in western Massachusetts Some really hot girl who I've met on med dates. that your mother is producing in utero. When you're around violence all the time, your body just becomes engineered to handle that from the womb. Yeah. When the gloves are off, that's when I get concerned because I'm waiting for the other

2:12:32 It meant someone's about to come home drunk. Yes, they create the drama. The ones who are stationed in a place and they're being attacked all the time. And I would imagine, I'm curious if it's chicken or an egg, that's a case with a lot of fighters as well there's a lot of really physically talented guys Some are good with this weird I would imagine you have to have a healthy level of narcissism and ego.

2:15:26 But here's where it gets interesting. He's so friendly and sweet, and he's always, like, hugging people and smiling and laughing, He's so nice, and he's a fucking assassin inside the octagon. and he doesn't even want to strengthen the part of your brain But does that work for or against you? Like what you are and who you are is in some ways defined by what you believe.

2:17:39 Reconnecting those ideas in your head. For habits. Someone Google it and hit us up. But I know that 28 days is the minimum for rehab because of that. your comfort zone this is when i'm um trying to write something new i'll rearrange the furniture I love that. So I won't wear black when I write. You know, Benicio Del Toro? I know that did seem very random.

2:19:52 So his office is filled with, like, all these weird trinkets Smoking the weed. Sort of, but obviously there's not as much pressure when you're writing. You just... Okay, okay. It's better for food. different reaction to it because I've explained my reaction to marijuana to other people and I was like, the day I turned 30, it was like I was having like a dinner.

2:22:30 The day I woke up with my underwear around my neck. I woke up in my bed fully clothed, looked at my phone, 80 missed text messages, It was a whole staff I was working with a bunch of cock blockers. with fucking Ted Bundy. but don't spit on you. You're looking for, Benicio. No, I want to get the Wolfman. But I watch it in the background sometimes when I write.

2:24:08 Sometimes no music. I sit down and the writing just comes out of you. What the fuck nonsense is this? That's such a great- You're chipping away away at the rock and occasionally you find gold in there. original premise in the first place i totally right i have since my first special i'm on my line or a new branch that you follow and that new branch will be better than the original

2:25:38 Couldn't figure it out. more to be revealed. I mean, I tried to do it myself, and I peed all over myself. The ones that are like the Bellagio fountain, that is not real. a lot of these new sexual things that are make me feel bad like i and guys watch so much porn Yes. Yeah. You come on my asshole. I mean, this girl that I dated, she fucking hated when men would break up with her and then start dating Asian women.

2:28:33 That's like... But just intense environment. order bride. I bet there is. You know what it is? I think I've dated a gay guy before, too, and I was fine with it. Yep. She's like, what the fuck am I attracting? Yeah. Sometimes. The concept of gender is fluid. It's a very fluid time, guys. Yes, it is. He was an athlete. Gender is fluid. Yeah. The concept of gender is fluid.

2:30:01 And it could be sexual abuse, obviously, by men. expert on sex, and one of the things he was talking about is imprinting, that sometimes You would love him. Someone was jerking off when 9-11 happened. Totally. You don't have to go get to a drug dealer. Oh, jack in the box. I do. Really? all that. That's like a person. I don't, you know, have a super nice, I, help is what I, and I don't mean that.

2:33:17 No. But I feel like for me personally, I value alone time and I value thinking. If I'm going and this, and what about this? And this has gluten and a bit of that. Like if someone else goes, it takes an hour. If I go, it's like, and then I'm in this and then I'm How dare you? Can we do this more often? I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.