Joe Rogan Experience #741 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Jazz Joplin's when you got a minute just watch both parts of that fucking It's on Sinatra? him and he's not he called the owner over And Burt Reynolds got up and he goes, where the fuck are you going? He goes, I already got my Sinatra story. never recovered from that he's just got to catch it. When they built the railroads? The Chinese statement slash question. dynamite is that true Chinese people like everybody everybody suffered in

2:50 That's why when you go to Wyoming, oh, because after they built the railroads, Certain parts of Chinatown where those people just never assimilated like fuck it we just stay I forget. There was some story about that. chinese people in cuba they speak spanish they speak cuban if you go to 79th street and broadway And they talk Chinese style, but Spanish.

4:51 To see a Chinese person speak Spanish will blow your fucking mind. There were like Ampanachina. Spanish they just always like multi-task they're like that they take that head of And Cubans figured out this kind of, noise, and each noise means a certain thing. And Cubans figured out this kind of like flowing, almost dancing style. This is what blows my mind.

6:46 But like when Sicilians talk around me, I know exactly what they're saying. They can't pull the wool over my right, right? Spanish's have traditionally Spanish last Super fucking religious guy. Big time Catholic really do it in pictures mean they made pictures in the wall but we don't think They destroyed all the records. and all this different shit,

10:11 you know like when you look at someone's writing and you don't understand it if you look at Yeah, like, I mean, if you think about it, like look at the old Egyptian, you know, They did in hieroglyphs. Isn't that how isn't it? and louder and louder and you actually think there's an argument going on but there's really Like, they'd pay to, like, to argue.

13:09 But that's what that means. Oh, yeah, nobody knows at all. He's 30. He could be 22 though But you see the one before that where he told people to not, he was trying to say, don't forget Jesus. It could have been way worse, though. You know why I didn't go to that weigh-in? for a goon he's always a big yolk black guy lives in the jungle and he only comes out the

15:53 and he kept looking back, Yo soy hijo de la santísima caridad de Corre. That's Ogún. when you when machinery goes bad and shit like that you have to pray to him he has all the weapons It would have been that episode of Curly and the Little Rascals when they fought. and makes him sniff the fucking thing. It was made. And they're all piled on top of each other, dog.

18:37 bad because uh you gotta know that cuban accent the t's become wise it just that's how they do it and in a thick accent like I didn't. He's saying, don't forget Jesus. I love him. I could tell how he's excited. Yeah. And the guy's like, oh, yeah, meta un galletazo. like a fucking wild punch you know trying Metí un avión. really got you i got you i think you it's your culture like a little you know well i remember

21:55 They're just here having a good time. You know, I mean, obviously we're only 90 miles away, but since we're, there was an embargo and there's all this bullshit that was going on back and forth between the two countries, they kind of existed in their own space. But other than that, I mean, they're doing their own thing down there. You know, you look at both of them, you go, what the fuck?

24:04 I went with my wife and they fucking found Patty Hearst's machine gun the attic dog hundreds and twenties and fifties whoever had the house before that had so much I go, how long you been here? There's a word that you defect in the country, He was telling me all this shit. He'd never seen it. Wow. Something fucking ridiculous that you sit there and go, unbelievable what they do for coffee and the liberties we have, you know.

27:32 and they've seen Washington apples at the hotels. So we're kind of confused, but we make it work. Oh my god. He was fucking hilarious and Joe Rogan I go, I got a sister in Cuba. and that's why i said to him i go go buy yourself a carton of real cigarettes how did he I got to go back and take care. just because you know You guys saw that. You go with the missus.. That's it. Wow.

29:51 No. If I had what these people had, I would not be a nice person at all. chops he was telling me he was i never felt that way he goes they're beautiful people So what, I mean, I don't want to say this because I don't believe it, but does communism work? when we go for pastrami sandwiches Cantor's. You go to jail they write you up. You gotta fucking go through some process

32:44 The first time you learn how to say a fucking song you know how big that is the first time you learn why I'm here is because he And he's over there blasting this fucking thing You know I let it be or something like that that was fucking amazing to him to learn And I go, you guys are so happy. They're like eating this cool, they had like Israeli food.

35:50 here I'm hanging out with you. Like, this is their regular night for them. They do this shit all the Country surrounded by a lot of Arab countries and then you add on top of that the fucking party Where's the flying Jew? I guess Israel's got a big comedy scene there now. It's just starting now. I'm sitting there going, oh, no. He goes, I'm up there doing fucking Nazi jokes.

38:11 What was his name? A couple weeks ago, a couple weeks ago, a couple came. They were yelling. And he was really funny. And he did the podcast and everything. That's awesome. And they usually encourage you to not take both those weeks, right? you come to L.A. or New York and you succeed, I just want this movement to keep growing. Was that his name? you don't even know where this is coming from somebody last night some girl came from like

41:37 of success, man. Well, there's Tal Mordahay? I mean, Brian, we're almost at our sixth anniversary, right? No, I remember it was Christmas Eve Pre-HIV days. Like a Ventura comedy scene. And fucking, and I was just thinking about doing this. and there's a chick all the naughty parts. Yeah. Yeah, definitely naked man or woman's butt, but you can't you can't show the hole

44:21 disgusting So if the club owner wouldn't have broken their balls, the difference when you're young and you suck 18 months? You would just be killing everybody in the parking lot. conversation yesterday by a guy named Charlie Barnett. Yeah But people were like oh you don't want to be dirty because people won't give you work In the belly room one night.

48:09 Your mom just called you in for dinner. of this guy with the limp look at that janitor with the one eye and that's when it started And everybody did it. but it's the work joe rogan it's always been the work man you know i was watching Like you were you went from being a guy who had a really And I went, whoa. That club was filled with savages. It was like more relaxed.

51:45 I was freezing in there. Okay. He owns a restaurant now in Jersey. or waitresses or whatever the fuck they are. and watch like, he should have taken specials I wonder if he's like thinking about doing a special oh I'm sure and he would put this little PA system down Well, tell everybody what he used to do. The volume's not working? doing with no microphone. Here he goes.

55:05 And when you finish, you go, And I was surrounded by a small Puerto Rican family of 4,000. For instance, Caucasian businessman. oh this is so corny i love when they stand on a coin and go yeah at the bar he would get me served he'd get me three mugs of Budweiser and I'd sit there he'd And I'm watching this guy going, what the fuck is this? heroin guy right a heroin guy but it was just weird that he did i watched all those i didn't

58:46 So he did a professional show, went downstairs, was outside, Michael Collier? He did the Milwaukee one for a bunch of kids and shit out in the tent. Get on the bus and go from Seacaucus to New York dog. And six of He gives me the address. It's Alpine, So, like, you ready to go? I'm up there telling Godzilla jokes. Just give me the $900. Oh, yeah. go back in the water horrible that was my big joke that was my big joke that

1:01:56 somebody told me they'd clean it up the Hudson is that true they couldn't clear Exactly where they shot that bar, I stay in Edgewater. I jump in my fucking cab Yeah. Like, it's just water. stupid joey deers when you pull up the lincoln tunnel now dog there's guys in full gear They're really going after the bridge. That's going to be a nightmare. You're like, no wonder why people can't leave this place.

1:05:14 who lived in Brooklyn and he had a cool view from the river. Like you look from his apartment, You know, and where we live, you know, Right over there, that's his house. And no, it's fucking stacked. Everybody's know, like you get out of the house. Hey, this is your house right over there you're like, this is insane. Like, why the fuck would anybody live here? You can't go

1:07:09 Go on the computer. or the pool or the garage. you got. You can call it condo, whatever the fuck you want to call it. A lot of them, much more. I could live like that if I had the experience of living there. A lot of those other guys do it. to enter that machine. let's say you live in brooklyn you gotta take the train in to new york manhattan something like that

1:09:59 Are you going to call a cab company, say, come get me on this? I took a black one time tour. I just don't think New York's the best place for kids. It doesn't just go on your wheel and stick there only. the residue, It's not good for you. LA gets pretty stinky man LA can get bad. If we get stagnant and the winds don't blow and the pollution just sits,

1:12:25 You're breathing that in. And I remember sometimes I wouldn't take a shower at the gym at 6. I didn't do anything. Like, just walking around Manhattan how about you build a giant air filter? Yeah, they get the lion cuts. They love it when you're petting them, But they make these air filters. ass air filter that sucks clean it every two minutes or something.

1:15:19 to cats, and then after a few Yeah, but I guarantee that's not the same thing. Just how like bath salts were never really bath salts. Let me get that out of the way. would just change a little bit of it, add an oxygen molecule, add a carbon molecule, whatever they have to do. because they don't even know what it is but you're selling like high potency meth at truck stops i

1:17:54 Yeah, it's a crack pipe. was a crackhead. Who would buy a rose? I should have bought Those are DMT pipes too. It's so fucking great. on the toaster, the one through ten. Down? That one I knew. Well, it makes sense, right? And it's also, I don't think it matters because I wear these goddamn stretchy pants. They would scream, no. No, you can't wear that. You can't wear that. You're wearing stretchy pants with a tie. I would show people, and they would scream, no. They would scream, no.

1:20:55 You can't wear those. They look real. They feel like there's no resistance. But you don't feel anything. Or is it like, you know, you have a buff body or your nipples are showing through it? to just completely Hunter S. Thompson glasses. That's a vapor pen. And where you wearing them at? That's so crazy. I didn't know who the fuck he was. How crazy is that?

1:23:35 that he captured on paper Like, talking with him must have been They had disputed some of the facts in it. There's this guy named Ed Muskie who was running for president. He's just making up all this shit about him having an Ibogaine addiction and that when Like he was the only guy that ever did that. shit that they had in the trunk when they were headed to vegas from barstow the bats in the air

1:26:29 you know like all these other dudes they got together and they they sat indian style and they That was it. And it was Hunter? I lived in a town called Besalt first, Country so it goes north and south this is Aspen right straight ahead And when I first saw this, I got addicted to this worst in cocaine. I was an eighteen-year-old kid, and I would walk,

1:29:24 And he'd come over, and he'd help you. I took all my savings, and I would go there. That's all I ate was trout. But that's where I saw Goldie Hawn and that little girl for the first time. lived there, and that's where they'd go. and that fucking guy sued the This is 83. And it was just, dog, this was just a complete Different fucking city They fucking, did you see the-

1:32:18 Yeah, no, but the mother- Ted Bundy killed people in Snowmass Village at that hotel. And I've told you before that in 84, So people would be fucking pumping. Biggest bar on the West Coast, like nine fucking rooms, bro. I'll do it. You know how they scream when they're horny, when they're in the rut? seatings you had a 7 30 seating and a 9 30 seating that's how the only way they do it and then they

1:35:22 But it's only open three months because it's a two-lane road If you're doing a lot of money, all the wolves a black wolf fucking in dog I'm not many times I went in there Really? They're going to make a real one. Especially when you're coming back from San Francisco and you're on the outside. Like, there's a lot of cool views. And it gets even thinner at parts.

1:38:30 Look at the right side. it'll be more. Last time I was there, places like that. I heard rent's crazy now. It's smart. so whatever it is and you have these little cartridges the core much of the THEY CAME IN AND THEY'RE LIKE, ARE YOU SMOKING? And he's just blowing family so I couldn't blow the smoke because the side sucks it in and mercy I got the fucking thing I was going to bring you guys, and I left it on the counter.

1:41:53 I need something to calm me down. And I'm like, oh, shit. I go, fucking, I don't know what happened. Wow. They used to let you smoke those. They're blowing up now. Have you seen little hoverboards. They're not allowed on. I have those. The good versions are the ones that actually have a brand name and stuff, just because of the generic batteries in them.

1:44:07 to figure out huh? We don't know. Yeah. They're like those fucking white people. and then stab you to death. I know them personally. I was over there one day just talking. He's like, I want to show Joey something. And I was like, ah. He was amazing and shit. There's a lot of gun enthusiasts out there. I go, more than 100? He's like, oh, yeah, I don't even know it without this fucking stuff.

1:47:29 Oh, my God. Blows his rotator cuff. Well, I'm going to have to get that fixed. Gets it all fucking stitched up. Well, blew my knee out can go back to sparring again. He's in his 60s. Blows his rotator cuff. He's only training with young kids. There's a few people in my life that, when I was young, that let me know what hard work really was. and he fell asleep, and his buzzer went off.

1:48:51 People don't constantly accidentally kill people Right? Nope. You want to talk about a guy who worked hard? and then he would sprint upstairs, His father just put all this incredible pressure on him. He would fire up and get crazy. Just didn't fucking take no for an answer. They come into the fight and they're exhausted. They just never recovered from the training, but

1:51:51 Like when I went home with Mercy and I took her to a park. when you go on that ferry what do you think when that ferry stops in february when it's 10 10 below you were making on news radio, but the character was you still came down and did your $15 spot. chapelle being at the store how old is ron white didn't he follow media at the fucking store Three hours here on a couch in between coke rocks and fucking, you know, whatever.

1:53:52 You put in the hours, Joe Rogan. know what? When you call down to the store, you got to call in coast to coast. You got He was so nice, and he he said I'm gonna help you. He goes. You're really funny and they're coming up. And when you run into people that connect you like that, Come here. wasn't shit. There was the Catch a Rising Star in New York.

1:57:02 got stuck and then i had to talk with somebody i I got to tell you, I had to talk with the black dude who used to teach me Juan Hopquendo. This is his father's first student. he does this thing. And he goes, what he was saying to me. I'm not going to say none. I know you're having a hard time here. I'm gonna get you on it. It's all encouragement. Well, I put it up on Instagram.

1:59:22 It's made me 100% better comic. I'd circle just for laughs. was a building the seattle thing and it was turned and i'm like one day i'm gonna fucking play there I said, fuck no. I was like, no, man. I left there feeling like I won Right, right, right. and these young guys You're a writer, man. Fuck yeah. Let's eliminate the internet. That was everything to me and one day some fucking guy came in and some fucking dumb comic

2:03:32 He threw all of us under the bus, bro. see him at the store i just glare at him i'm gonna get what's his name the kid with the diabetes no more when they go And Sonny looks at him Oh, I was. There's Martians up there in Mars planning a fucking visit Don Barris, who does he fucking insult? Oh, shit. I'm not saying nothing out of line here. I hope you bomb.

2:05:55 It's a positive comedy fucking haven now. but I can't. I guess everybody did 9-11 jokes to Steve Renzese. We're back as comics. And that's the truth, man. and as I was walking a different twist. She's a sweetheart, you know? When I see Cap, I say hi and I like him. I was watching last night, But, like, he said that he also for Christmas. something like that and they were mean. So I was like, alright, I got scared, stopped

2:09:15 I had a hat, a little magic hat. just banking on the fact that I was cute. bomb-ass wasted, so Like, his magic was legit. The card was in her fucking sleeve. There's some craziness going on with some of these magicians. to tell you. with like the air. he's doing it. And all of a sudden, the card's on top of his hat. They bump into you. Not an Academy Award winning movie.

2:11:58 And they take everything they shoplift, everything they fucking thing, and it goes on eBay. They put the wallet back. He always comes in, and the child suffers from a dementia. Like, all you got to do is entice him. And the fucking three hot young fucking Asians waiting from to suck his dick Big old cigar. show my wife she's like jesus he's good bd wong that guy's been in everything

2:14:37 Chinese and Irish. Yeah, that guy's a bad motherfucker. He's been in a lot of movies. She's sitting with you tangerine And it's a really good movie because what they do is they took real transsexuals from L.A. So you go there, like, I used to go to the 9 o'clock Weight Watcher meetings. and that's how you could tell make eye contact with you. in your direction.

2:16:38 They have a dick. Dick. You say she, but yet you have a dick. I'm for whatever everybody wants to do. That if you make the transgender, they cut your dick and they do all the other things and that your feelings change, but your head remains the same Fuck Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah. I don't know nothing. And I'm like, Do you think that I mean do we just not remember it right or do girls look different now when they're 15

2:19:27 Like, when we grew up, these girls were like... I can't lie to you, man. I don't want no misunderstandings that fucking I touch. My fucking why is he here? And you got these young comics like Joey, and they come and hug you, and I'm fucking lost. We all love. You would. i'm not going to give you a ride right how you feel like a idiot but what can you tell a waitress? I'm not going to give you a ride. Right. You feel like a fucking idiot.

2:21:59 I said, maybe there's a strip club. Right. and getting gas When you get to be 50, I don't know what a 14-year-old looks like or supposed to look like. It was, you know. Yeah, well, them for sure. It's all the whole thing. I ain't mad at that bitch no more. the American dream. How can I be mad Do I like it? Do I want to hang out with her and how to corner the market,

2:24:52 like John and Kate Plus 8. But the John and Kate Plus Eight, they were giant. doesn't matter who decides they're a woman doesn't matter who decides they're It's obvious. whatever. Who's trending? Ronda Rousey. Those Armenians have some fucking heavy-duty pussy hair. Something like rat whiskers? You think double Cosby could take down Kardashian? Look, why? They haven't done anything

2:27:33 I think they set up Lamar Odom. You ever see him freak out? It's not something I want to spend my time watching. Why is it, like, more offensive when something's not entertaining This is crazy. You know, it's all caricatures. And they're doing handstands with one hand. When you watch these people just be themselves and make more money than anybody who's ever lived

2:30:07 Now, how long has that show been on TV? Who knows? We don't remember. and Keeping Up with the Kardashians is on TV, You just had to figure out how to tune it in. 52 million. That is something's going on. Beautiful, classic face structure. Kanye's awesome. I like Kanye. He says some stupid shit, but what fucking super talented young Uber celebrity doesn't say stupid shit?

2:32:28 They're just these bundles of fury and inspiration and ideas, I don't know one Kanye song. No. Holy shit. Everybody's cool. We get some bomb ass bitches. We get some girls that are hot, but they're not i mean god damn he stole it god damn he's, he's good. He's amazing, right? No. I want to hear it, though. About his grandmother. Yeah. Yeah, when he signed up at the Laugh Factory,

2:35:24 and I read them. I can't stand when I see these guys and they come and go and i read them i can't stand But you know what, man? Something like that. That's right. Was it supposed to be a woman? And there he is. I had a dress on and a wig. I've never done it. I'll tell you what I'm saying. No, I can't. I never got the joke. I ain't wearing no jersey, you jack off.

2:38:24 been to shows and we wanted you to dress up like a dog. Once he said it, I started looking into it. his mom, right? What did he play? famous black comedians what's his face? How fucking good is that movie? But hey, go to Revenge. Remember, he cuts her face. Ugh. Whew. Who was the old guy in The Hustler? She was a porn star That's what it was called.

2:42:01 Huh. A thousand fucking pool halls in New York City. You can go see live music. and do drugs and play cards. of the early 20th century. Robbie Longer versus... Not doing a comedy show. You never even mentioned that. So I feel like I got to come up with at least some new material before I come back here again. But the big fight, of course, is Carlos Condon versus Robbie Lawler.

2:44:43 into another dimension. GUYS KEPT TAKING CARLOS DOWN. Robbie Lawler has good success just smashing. on moments. And he also, He's a bad motherfucker. and I didn't see it until the Holly Holm fight. They knew her instincts. They knew what I forget what that word is Faraz Ahabi. Faraz Ahabi, and I go, gonna follow that game pan or is he gonna try to take Carlos down if he

2:48:08 It was one of the most effective aspects of his game So Carlos won't have to worry. And Robbie Lawler uncorks AND CONDIT CAN DO IT TOO, MAN. real sneaky off of his back, more looseness to his striking Dude, are you fucking kidding me? He is nasty. should be talking about this right now. And for whatever reason Nobody's really saying, well this is the fight for me.

2:51:19 He had a little bit of the steroids in the system. He's been off for a long time. Diego Brandao and But some of these guys, they get injured, and they're trying to get back in there, the case. Star Wars are real you know, we're just fine. They're not fucking around. They don't leave your side. cheating, they'll just be up your ass with a microscope.

2:53:52 Well, that's what happened with Vanderlei. Yeah, yesterday. It's real close. to ban him for life? That's so crazy. And by all accounts, Vandal is one of the nicest guys ever. Every time This guy's a legend. THAT PRODUCT IS FIGHTING. FOR THEM TO JUST NOT EVEN TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THAT THIS GUY WAS A just not even take into account that this guy was a legend and just never failed before, ever.

2:56:20 He didn't do that until after he got banned. I don't know. What happened? I met him. If I was Dana White, I'd sleep with one eye And he would come home and look They're looking for Vandalay Silver. I told you I'd kill you! Listen, with all the anger. Interesting. Like, you're making us look like we're just thugs ready to fight for no reason. But Chael Sonnen was hilarious in that.

2:59:06 Joey Diaz. Merry Christmas, Is it sold out? single tickets left, So, Brian, you got some shit going on, too, right? You can go to devsquad.tv and get the tickets. Revitalize. Go to JoeyDiaz.net.