Joe Rogan Experience #744 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Young Jamie fixed this fucking mess we have here Got you sound to the regular people. I'll fix it later. I think it should be just fine laughing listening to podcasts. free, you know so so you're a shrink too and you're you know every know, every, every conversation you get in, are you psychoanalyzing everybody? Yeah. Well, what are things that I'm interested in?

2:48 Yeah. Well, The problems are, my ex-boyfriend, he just never wanted to eat my pussy. I've never heard that before. Was it rap or singing? Yeah, you just need to team up with somebody. Or she's just so into herself that you just got to get out of there anyway. And then they start telling you about talking about things that interest you yes and if you go on a double date with someone who doesn't

6:39 There's no interaction. can you believe when the coach and the other dads are like, I saw the same thing. And that's their life? That's right. The whole point of the story is I was ready to fucking stampede these people because they He's the greatest. He was like, I didn't fucking do that. sometimes you get paranoid they're right in the middle of jerking off oh no when is it gonna what

9:37 Yeah, I can't sleep without them. I heard a doctor talk about that one time, that you're not actually getting the benefit of real sleep on that. Yeah. Hey, are we removing your gallbladder? And Dick Gregory just started going off. Like the whole Neverland thing and hanging out with children. Even if he never did anything. Yeah. No, no. Is that the only way?

12:46 But the flip side of that is the dad, you know, the overbearing dad that I'm going to make you a champion. He's a guy who worked with BJ Penn when BJ Penn was in his prime. Yeah. But he also was freaking out and went to drugs, I think, as a release for how overbearing dad could be. really derailed that was probably the drugs right probably yeah Probably. Yeah. Well, also desire. I guess he just didn't want to do that.

14:51 I mean, with everybody, there's a different story. Some people, they had, they had to Wow. Yeah. So there is a lot of that. Or the Herschel Walker story, did you see his? been as good and be a great player if he hadn't had basically a shitty dad wow yeah so there's fucking athlete he's still a freak but that's a lot of fucking push-ups i could do that

17:13 Mm-hmm. yourself how how do you have the probably amphetamines if not amphetamines uh caffeine Cyclers, right? He got mad at me, man. It's championship. Yeah. Something insane like that? What? You think so? You fucking piece of shit. I saw Real Sports about that. I guess they protect the tips of your fingers. Like every other animal that has nails, they're claws.

20:33 Yeah. couldn't use his hand that's one of them. They grow like that. Ew, look at that. I think that was the other thing. Oh, Jesus. No, thank you. Good Lord. That that lady was weird. She she kept him straight. Oh Jesus. No, thank you Like, we're looking at hand nails and toenails there. Even sometimes women will have the slightly longer pedicure. If you have a half inch long on your toes, like ew.

22:54 Right? It's because of the color. Maybe it's one of those things like girls think guys like it but You want something. Like, every guy I've ever asked, would you rather your girl be 15 pounds too heavy or You're dying. Yeah. Save it. 15 I think they're 15 seconds prominence because she is an her to blow him and eat his ass and also running out of gas.

26:11 I don't know. She also goes by Orally Gifted 214, which I think is the Dallas area code. sucked off. She's like, I just feel like giving head right now, but nobody's hitting me up. I remember that. I think she wrote a book about it. I think the fucked up thing, like, so I had Throatzilla on my podcast. I think that's part of the sort of unspoken deal.

28:37 What a rude guy. But with these big guys, like with the big guys, they got to lay on their stomach and In other words, cleaned up, trimmed up, everyone's ready to go. Exactly. Yeah. That travel ass is bad. And he goes, come on over. Yeah. I'm going nutty. Whistle and a bunch of girls start knocking on the door. Maybe that's why. She just leaves with that yeah, just pushed my friend said he just he thought she was gonna blow him

32:21 She's the best. Yeah, well, I'm trying to get her pregnant, bro. Yeah, that's a weird thing. And then I realized, as the Hershey's syrup smeared on, it just looks like she shit all over. Yeah, it's like cherry sauce. All righty. Well, girls with toys, that's always weird. I never had that. Some people love it. Call a cabbie. I mean, is it pretty obvious that the attraction there for people that are attracted to it is that it looks like something and it's not?

35:36 Right, right. or something like that that something can happen sexually like someone could do something to you deviant and thinking like what else is this fucker yeah into you know yeah it's weird i know i know you like this is what your cards are you gotta fucking deal with it you gotta take it yeah and shame and people finding out but it's amazing to me that it would bother somebody what gets somebody

38:48 are. Do you think we make the most porn? San Fernando Valley. Fucking manufacturing jobs. The idea. transparent rubbers. You know what bums me out the most? Don't even come near her face. and he's like i'm sorry she got mad oh really mad really mad yeah why would she get mad at that Don't come in it, for sure. But eyelashes are okay. Like a good...

41:45 humans have eyelashes to protect them from facials. It's got to be power. Yeah. That even when you're watching, you're like, I don't know. It's like, you know, you never eat a pot pie when it's cold. That is so foul. With that Max Hardcore guy, Whatever it is. Fucking gross as shit too. That's when they need to stop like I've had this bit that Just fucking constantly jacking.

44:29 Sure. January 8th, that's right shameless plug You ever seen her? She looks like she's in her late 30s and ready to party. You've got to watch her videos. Good lord. We're all still jerking off over here. What are you doing? Yeah, but is that awful? No, no, no. If it's between the two, I would do it off camera but is it worse is it worse to be an escort and a porn star or just a porn star

48:12 Yeah Rich dudes Yeah. They go shopping? Because there was a UFC in Abu Dhabi. It's so strict there. every fucking car you see is you know a hundred thousand dollars two hundred thousand dollars It's crazy. And he's like, oh, we just, the government gave us money Western people but I got as a hole like they don't want And then they leave with a stack. Yeah, fat stacks. Yeah.

52:19 According to Redman, allegedly. He knows them. you because you have this you have this weird style this weird way about you. Mm-hmm. And, like, get into it. And then I think also when you do your own show, too, you realize how much is involved in managing the ship. How do I add some new stuff in there? Yeah. Well, those guys definitely still do their punch trunk, their sports one.

54:23 All Things Comedy has a lot of good shows on it, right? part of a collective support thing where everybody still owns their own shows, but you just kind of have more power in numbers thing, you know? message to our group and then everybody who has a podcast will get um info about helping to plug my You know, I'm always tweeting for friends, and you do the same, and we all do that for

55:49 we've as all things comedy we've also worked with sponsors that you know the idea was that Who manages all that? well it doesn't really like i said because those guys are so about al and bill hey we're not taking Yeah, people see people get excited and they go live podcasts or something fucking different go to them. It's a thing. Like there's a whole thing going on with the mommies. Yeah.

57:42 I don't have, we don't have it set up, but we need to. I want to start doing live podcasts. It's really fun. Yes. And there's some podcasts where you go and there's fans of that podcast. Movies. Pitch Perfect. It's what they like. There's a lot shit. I like the people don't like yeah from the moment that was said to me, that I see things now, trailers, posters, commercials for something.

1:00:22 Stand up wise. Right. wealthy man. you know, allegations, It's the... I don't know if you know that. He was making a move to buy NBC, and they don't want a black man in power like that. For sure, man. What does she do? and feeling like oh yeah you know the adoration for them and wanting to defend i totally get why Victims of sexual assault. It's not unusual for it to go

1:04:15 there was no previous allegations who the fuck is going to believe you yeah like to a woman in 1996 I'll just fuck it. Well, that was the weirdest thing is that some of them claimed That was his move, It's full. That's lovely. They're so mad because I said that Bernie Sanders supported 90% taxing of the rich. He was saying that for a marginal tax rate, is 90% too high?

1:06:12 But the problem with this kind of thinking is, Yeah. Like people that think that I'm a Bernie Sanders hater. when children are hungry in this and the idea of uh choking on choice you know we have too much too I think that one of the things that he said that I agree with wholeheartedly is they need To keep it over here. Because you're talking about people that are making insane amounts of money that are doing that.

1:09:23 I think he's got a lot of really good points. If you're a person who's 18 years or older and you're working at a job and you are spending eight hours of every 24-hour day working for someone, you should make a living. Well, I think the money's got to come. I mean, it's got to be a profitable business, right? That's kind of fucked up. See, and that's obviously an extreme example, but in that extreme example, yeah, man, you need to pay more money to people who work for you.

1:11:28 And if they do a good job, they should be paid well. number? on the other hand i'm a fan of the idea of socialized medicine sure i think that medicine I really think that. I mean, I think The fact that it can't be done here, it's impossible. They do Canada's a joke too. and who knows if you have that money. Not in a lot of parts. Dog shit. Limiting the amount of underarm sprays or

1:14:58 I think he knows what he's saying when he's doing that. But he's a successful businessman. I was not a friend. Well, let's look at it. of all his you know assets and they go no you're not he goes They sell for $3 million. But I don't think he can hang at all with the elite politicians when it comes to substance and knowing actual policy, knowing details.

1:18:22 something that if somebody wanted to push that's a crime i That all dried up. Yeah, and then I guess you could argue, see, he is savvy. He doesn't have that same sort of influence They would never let him say the shit that he's saying. Anytime, so if this is CNN and we're in your host of CNN show and I'm somebody saying like, Well, you know, he did that to Ronda Rousey when Ronda got knocked out.

1:20:44 Because he had claimed that she was she's not a good person whoa and you know why he did that because she uh he had claimed talking about well what about you you're way more of a dick she's at least not a nice person to sell Sad. To be on that show You know they fire you Fuck you Oh really Yeah like Before anyone knows Anybody's fired They do all that you're fired stuff in the beginning. Oh, really? So you don't have a chance to go, fuck you.

1:22:37 You get up and walk away. yeah and they're like we're done we're done with you and then miss you know universe threatened to He owned those pageants. For sure. Okay. Right, not even. It says the S&P is up 74 fold since 1974. of $3 billion and $4 billion, which is his net worth. Can do whatever he wants. craziness and all this shit that he's doing, He's like, well, someone's raping.

1:25:58 He's just like, he says crazy shit like that. going to vote for us. It's over, bitch. You fragile bitch. We should stop letting them in. What was that? Play this from the beginning. Wow. That's pretty funny. He's entertaining. I hope he gets to debate alongside, because I think he'll crush her. And Ben Carson should be involved too, just to tell us that the earth is 10,000 years old and Jesus rode a unicorn through the fucking Garden of Eden.

1:28:49 Oh, 100%. I don't think he's one of the young earth Christians. Yeah. I know who you're talking about. That's going to be the end. while he was in the White House. Yeah. It is a little pricey. Jesus. Why do they all play golf? Bernie? I need to get a good Bernie impression. I think it's A-D-O-M-I-A-N. He calls it Bernie Claus. ask people what their correct gender pronouns

1:33:03 in a specific male or female gender. Well, this is real. Like I can't just assume that you are a man. some days he wanted to be a girl and some days he wanted to be a boy. a list of of possible gender pronouns yes and so like they sent it home with people to like, I want you to be aware of these potential You have a fucking beard, lady. Maybe you Z.

1:35:26 No. H-I-R. Z-H-E. Use pronouns. Zeres I would have left my outline like in the cartoons. Everybody got a trophy. That was part of the thing is that you remember it sucks. Yeah, well, my daughter, when she was three, she was playing soccer and no one won. Oh, yeah, for sure. It's just about playing. Someone's pitching, you're trying to hit it. I had trouble with that.

1:38:20 A lot of times they don't even hit the fucking, they don't even hit the ball. Every time. There's that feeling, man. Winner. I just hit a home run. while you lay somebody the fuck out and you're like what's up now so that's that's why you do Do we fire it up? Let's go full screen on this bitch. there's not an immediate military coup d'etat to take me out of power.

1:40:59 1% of the top 10% I can guarantee this. I'm just saying, bronze them and make it a real thing. It's two wings. I was forcibly held down completely bald if you highlight the video Both immigrants, obviously. He does a really good Trump, too. And talking about the percentages of the percentage, you're just in denial or they're hoping yeah but there's a certain point where you know

1:43:57 Really? what can happen publicly gotta assume that anybody who grows up where unhealthy. Here's a thought. Who would you rather hook up with? Well, Hillary's like, ew, what were you thinking? She's had a real dog, too So she was on ecstasy and I ate mushrooms. I think they made a deal. Let's just take a picture together. That's my dick. good picture. That's a really good

1:46:24 Lies. That's Photoshop. That can happen in seven years. Yeah. Like, come on, man. those teeth are made out of like ivory from murdered elephants are not going to make that fucking forehead move. is the rarest of the rare when it comes to like women in their 60s that are And so collagen is what makes your face turn all Hillary. you're going to your body's collagen production is going to re-kickstart it's going to just jam

1:49:37 Mm-hmm. And they'll be looking for it. Ooh, heel crust. Wait, is that the one where it's a couple ex-military guys and they drop them off? I'm sure he's an expert. They have to be. What is that? photos of what his feet Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's why it's strange to see someone naked. Had to be. everybody with a big dick has a big dick son i don't know you imagine if you have a giant dick

1:52:56 Can you imagine if your son was born with just a giant hog? The balls look big. Well, they actually say that the human body adapts to the amount of promiscuous women that are in the area. Right. Everybody fucks everybody. Yep. So you have to produce more sperm. In primates, there's a direct connection. Yeah. She got the killer jizz in her eye. Burrow into your eye

1:56:32 I was in Mexico And they actually catch one, it's so exciting. fuck it is and they're smashing these things and the whole like football field size is just frothing It's wild. Yeah. So we couldn't have even eaten all of it, So they gave us like three different preparations. No, actually, that was on the Big Island. Just go right there. Is that Puerto Vallarta?

1:59:08 I want to go where the hotel I work out it's Really? Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's the biggest. I saw a thing. LA County, not city. Yeah. Normal people. That's LA City proper. That's the thing is that LA is not really a city. That seems... Wow. We don't even know what fucking city that is. Jesus. Okay, there's a city that you never heard of that has 28 million.

2:02:44 Yeah, of course. Right. Population. They're not counting. Living in the area for six months out of the year. You're living there. Or Hollywood arithmetic. but we can't because the accounting says we didn't make any money. conversations with her. F is for Family, the Bill Burr series. I don't know what they're calling it. Yeah? It's okay. It's been rave reviews. the Zee's Ansari show. It's okay.

2:05:20 Tim and Eric? Yeah. He's fucking hilarious. I just got into The Killing and ran through that, which was an AMC show that ended up them following a murder They just released the entire season in one gulp. I watched one and a half episodes. I think if you make it that far you understand that I never hear about it. Wow. Apple TV is another thing. I don't have the, is the new generation out?

2:08:05 to use. It's faster. The remote's better. IR thing in the front. You can like get these, we have those. Well, a fucking laptop. It's bullshit. She likes it because it looks cool. touch that, and then it turns on. Why why is it curved? I don't know. What am I have to look left look right look forward? 55? I've had one. And I've had several generations of projectors.

2:10:52 you couldn't watch TV. Yeah, that sucks. It's a lower profile. I mean, I'm just thinking about it. This fucking thing looks so good. It's called Mostly Stories. Why'd you call it Mostly You know that I get a breakdown of what does the best from SoundExchange? told him that I told a story about him and I gave It's called Completely Normal, which is on Netflix.

2:13:00 I have a story about- He's going to find out. Oh, this is what i'm it first so when I get in my car and I start my car up I hear you you're the Well, for you, it's better. And that's my own mother. the phone then it will also only play that song and won't let me fast forward or jump to another A. called Thrilled, where I do like a parody of Michael Jackson's Thriller.

2:16:58 it's like me and michael jackson you know like side by side. Thrilled. Yeah. That's hilarious. Look at you with the chest hair and a fucking chain. Scoop and score. Oh, yeah. Apparently, Louis C.K. is going to do an animated series now, too. do an animated one too animated series man it's so you could get away with so much i mean think But nobody cared anymore.

2:18:23 That's a good show. Yeah. and it's tied together. television shows, whether it's Narcos or whether it's Game of Thrones, they're That's big, man. Or Bradley Cooper or Jennifer Lawrence. box for a year really for a year all he did was go to the boxing gym every day and train he he But the Marky Mark movie, he doesn't look like a guy who's actually been boxing.

2:20:56 This is him jumping rope, but maybe there's a... he, when he did that My Left Foot, How about Offset? Yeah, it's gonna wear on you. I don't know. people feel like i got it right i've seen the story right it doesn't feel like new but it was of new and old. It's a watching we're talking about netflix making of a murderer no i have not get your entire life

2:24:12 It came out in like 2013, but they left out what's going on in the movie. These guys do ten episodes. No. I don't like that. Okay. This is your elaborate method. But I mean, you know. oh that was in he would wait for me to get dressed yeah which and he also would go and do jujitsu and purposely get his ass kicked say weird shit to guys you you know, like one time,

2:26:52 you know, man. evolution of porn two things that have there you keep going never get it out you actually don't use that move for anything else than removing You have to spit out hairs. Just stop being there. video stores yeah of course you have to go through the fucking saloon doors to get to it i need the box might collect them i collect the'll take the box. Put it in a fucking bag. Let's go. I need the box. I collect them. I collect the boxes.

2:30:01 And then they started going, what's all the hair? I think it was the shift into high def that really took the hair away. running and snot. Just balls into her nose. How do you think they just had figured out, you know, we got to present this in a different way? like, to like, Yeah. Yeah. You can find these genres. Yeah. Guys didn't trim out their hair before.

2:33:15 It's not as crazy down there, but yeah, I definitely do some maintenance, man. No, it's just a few. I did it once. Shaving your asshole? Whoa. Well, they did it. Female. Yeah. Uses her fingernails. Yeah. Dude, I've gone through a roll of toilet paper for a normal shit to clean my ass. And so I lifted my leg up because I'm quite flexible. I was like, I couldn't, it's almost like before I was like farting through the forest.

2:36:26 That beautiful beef cream was coming out. The fart master guy? He's like got a rap name. he associates it with a different type of cream or broth. What? Yeah, yeah. I Lane marries a fart. What? Oh, he's gay. One, two. So, you know, if you have... The guy's eating that guy's ass. It's hotmovies.com or something like that. It's really intense. And you're on the phone with him, not real life.

2:39:23 That's what gets me when people say they're bothered by something that, like, would it I mean, that is what it is. That's true. We're looking It's the best. That was fun Oh, you're vlogging? Vlogging? Why that and not just a phone? It's actually not so easy to get the video off your iPhone. You're right, but I think this picture is better. That's real.

2:41:47 It's called Mostly Stories, and it's fucking hilarious. Tom Segura on Twitter.