Joe Rogan Experience #745 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 It's always hard to stop a conversation and then restart it in a natural way after you He was just like, hey, we're going. how long does this go? That was the wrong way to do it. Yeah, or if you have a QuickTime file on the desktop. Making your computer ring? Yeah, we were phone started making my computer ring the other day. Making your computer ring?

1:42 I know. Yeah. Are you tired of walking all the time? You would only need head and cock. Maybe one hand I'd like to keep. Yeah. How many legs do you want? Dude, if I got a Minotaur, I would hire all the viral companies and the PR firms. You've seen some of the crazy things that people are doing with their bodies these days. And I was pissed about that.

4:55 That's a good idea, actually. You're supposed to act a little more mature. They pop in. Wipe that hard. Jamie, you know that dude's name? and he goes try it What are those things called again? Yeah. Another uprighter? Am I making things up? But now that I'm thinking while I'm saying it, am I right that that's a gyroscope? drones to keep them upright.

8:05 Yeah, the inventor of it. It's off-road Segway. you die that's what i know I'm such a fucking idiot. An off-road Segway. That is so crazy suit is there a video you gotta show me a video this and it goes side saddle like some boards It's a little mini tank that is badass. It's just another seesaw. He's going on the seesaw. This is a DTV shredder. That's why they're showing it fucking up.

11:14 10% off a new DTV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. like you were running shit you got a good piece of land we could just drive through mud I've been in a bunch of different kind of little buggies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An Argo is like a mini tank. hunting. So they'll put tank treads on them. It's a tank. Okay, this is one of them. Oh, yeah. It's some hillbilly shit.

14:04 Oh, he's plopped. Who cares? You have got to see this one. There's no like, guys, guys come on they can't make It's old people in general, you know. I mean, it's just what a treasure and what a blessing from the Lord. One second, I just go, where you talk about different people that it did. To get out of work. Ooh. Oh, God, it's dark. I walk around in no fear of any physical violence.

18:13 Yeah. That's got to be coming, right? You have to chip in. I'm saying my phone will no longer work overseas. Yeah, absolutely. That was really, really tough on me. the real future is? It's so close. I use it for notes all the time. You know what else did? That's hilarious. Unquestionably weird at that point and deciding okay how much willpower do i have not enough fuck this yeah there you go that's

21:48 That's a justification. Yeah. I did a scene on news radio once with Bob Costa, who's a very nice guy. I had smoked pot and I was rambling to him. Words are coming out of my mouth. I mean, he was, he's a gentleman. You know, there's certain dudes like you you talk to you go, oh, okay. really well thought out I thought it was just another person. Who's the diaper one?

24:34 That was what it was, right? If you it says like if you don't like it you're sexist or if you don't watch it you're sexist I've never heard a girl be described as a minority. What do you say, underrepresented? They have an even number of boys and girls, you know You didn't do that gig? For the people who don't know, When it's like, oh, you might not show up today, I'll just hire more people to do your job also.

27:03 You know, he's like an engine. you know, I was like, He's a monster. With Joey Babaluno and fucking North Bergen. What was the verification? well triple he's been in the trenches he's been in the trenches. He's been in the trenches. Yeah, Diaz is, yeah. Oh. the front row of chairs to the ground. They were just going back You can't. And now he's trying to hurt you, so you think about it on the way home.

30:42 Yeah, that's the best. you can't do that at the improv. before yeah the crowds have been amazing at the store lately they also sort of okay here's the know if you grow up like exclusively around moronsons and you've been responding to morons your whole life, then all of a sudden you're drinking. something like that one of those places in oh yeah yeah on tour yeah i remember like they were

32:56 Whoa. Wow. Yeah. If it's a one-on-one, that's when you say something. And that happens sometimes. It's a weird thing when people tell you what you're supposed to be able to do as a comedian. look, you should be able to write more jokes. You should have a better job. That's all it is. mercy no reason to show mercy yeah what they. They're trying to be mean to you.

36:00 They got drunk and here they are. And they'll just be like, I don't like that. And then I was like, but you guys don't like this. Well, what were they doing? Things like that. can go to like the most amazing movie but if you're sitting next to someone who's going yeah Shut up, you're ruining this. Yeah, because I told by tribunals. Called them dykes, something along those lines.

38:59 And she won? I don't know what the judgment was. And then Mike had a bit And, And he was like, He's going right now to a French Canadian tribunal. that they're suing him for. Wow. So I think he lost. I'm on her side. Yeah, if you paid money to see something like that no matter what it is whether it's a black joke whether it's a you know monetary number that's weird well i mean like how do you do a monetary number? That's weird.

42:19 But for a comic, though, who's interested in working, it's a big hit. I've seen stories about a guy, a comic going off on somebody. in a Vancouver restaurant that. I've seen that before. Yeah, probably. And it's like, no, why would anyone throw you out when you're a customer for doing nothing? thicker bigger boned right and then there's the lipstick lesbians we don't know what we're

44:38 Or was it this? Yes, absolutely. You still can't stop a guy, an artist, from fucking trying something. No guy will fuck you. was trying to do here's the thing of looking at it on print here like this it's so much different so much different looking at it on print is so See, you can't do that because I don't remember guys' jokes sometimes. He's an open mic-er.

46:53 Don't worry. the monetary aspect of it a monetary judgment like come on fifteen thousand dollars like what really What if it was that what if it's like you can't get a better girlfriend because you're too empty inside Fucking lesbian rights. He's also ad-libbing and again, we're not taking this guy's side cuz we don't know what happened And once I saw him light up another one, I was like, all right, I'm out.

49:21 Oh, man, that's sad. fucking Thor comes down played a vital and highly dramatic role in utterly disrupting a performance by unpaid volunteers So in the judge's words, the comic was not giving a comedy performance when he launched into his tirade of ugly words directly at Ms. Party. Yeah. We're going to have a slap fest? smacking trees. well, you can't just fucking...

51:39 No guy will fuck you. other just thus kissing off the ugly escalation. Well, it's people we were talking about before. where you have to be polite. Then that takes away If you record everything, then you take away, like, hold on. So, hey, he has no incentive now. But even the ones that are going to become great are terrible when they're at the open mic.

53:48 And when you're ad-libbing like that, How could they make him pay for that? I don't like talking about these things if I wasn't there. In open mic night, folks, let me just put it in perspective. It was an open mic night? He'll cut it down about 10 N-words. Yeah. Like you suck at this kind like Diaz angry is one of the funniest things ever when his fucking face gets red

56:31 But when you're on stage and you're locked in, right? Well, it's that, but it's also I feel like when I watch- member. And I was thinking like when they you and you're just on a ride with their always on he's alive alive, you know? The too soon kind of thing. So we like different things. And I'm like, let's not make this political, honey. Yeah. Fuck you!

59:48 You're not even listening to it right. wait, are you saying we should kill kids? Yeah. the joke the protests are affecting my life last week I was having sex with a of proved this guy was white who one of the guys in black lives matter was white guys apparently And that's the problem with that is, that comes from a place of, that guy had to sell loose cigarettes to make a living.

1:02:09 cops are not supposed to be revenue collectors the idea that you have to have a certain amount of crime every day in order to keep your position we were talking about how little violence there is imagine if that got way better imagine if like Some people sneak over. because they're trying to get by. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he had a problem. In that situation.

1:04:59 Right. Manslaughter. Okay. you choke him you choke him quick yeah that's just what you do yeah and i don't i'm not condoning it because they're not getting if you did it in here. And the guy was like, I'm just trying to do it. And you had to duck under his punch. He didn't do this, though. Yeah. What's the result of this cop? Two days ago, a cop was charged in this incident.

1:07:27 when you're a leader, right? and you get kicked off the force, How the fuck is she supposed to supervise these guys choking this guy on the street? And there were those cops. anybody tells me that's not a choke let me hold your neck like that listen to me if eddie bravo has your neck and it's trapped in between his arms, you're going to sleep. He's just got a shitty choke.

1:09:17 was pushing down with his left arm You see where his chin is? Oh. That's a choke. He's not defending it. So. He's not defending it. But it's very similar in regards to how much pressure you can put down with your shoulder and how much you can pull up with choke is, you know, like a Marcelo They're fucking with him, I'll tell you that. So, yeah, he broke up a fight.

1:12:25 Like, let's press a button on our app. We'll regret it in the morning. You you know he'll have like some motivational shit maybe take him to the gym everybody does some squats diaz had a oh yeah he wouldn't go he was settled in yeah, you never know man Yeah. Season Dose? Like you went to Thailand for a while. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to Thailand.

1:15:02 So I mailed my phone back No, you're doing it exactly the right way. It is everywhere. I don't know. Look at your face. Yeah. You can get fucked with a little bit Fuck you up Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty dope. Maybe one at a time. I'm not really sure they just do this act out dance where they just sort of like kick a knee up You see these guys' wraps on their hands?

1:17:50 The ones I saw had these thick boxing gloves on. And they wrap the rope around their head. It'll make it more loose for kicking. It's a warm-up. the rose bowl swap meet you know and then you just get booze some people come around taking bets Yeah. things and they just get like you know 50 people to show up well they they they're the same way like very

1:20:33 than I'd ever seen before then they fought They're going to fight Buakaw. his knee is getting buried into my rib cage. Getting the wave off. They're just going to fist each other with those things. Nice. for like 10 minutes about it. And then they get close Duncan was just watching. so we're starting to throw we're starting to throw uh illuminati signs up for like illuminati signs we made a big one with my whole

1:23:16 And then at some point, he just goes, now. Dana wrote me the next day. Dana's a regular person. What the fuck is wrong with us? They had a show. Yeah. Oh. No. I met a guy. It's really crazy. what a bunch of fucking awesome awesome strange people they run run shit, too, huh? Well, sort of. I would be like, we're only cousins. She's there for you. Like, she just got done fucking.

1:26:38 T-tays. That's him. Yeah, it's been a while. Yeah, their dicks was hard as rocks. Oh. I like when girls wear nothing. And their hot cousin. Man, that was a fun show. Uncle Jesse's sitting next to. One of the He would have had her on the payroll. That's why Cletus didn't want to admit it. Oh, look at her sitting up. Maybe she had, like, a rule in the contract. She could be the only hot one. Yeah, like listen bitches

1:29:53 You should have more funny hot girls in the background No, no, no, no, no. When we write this together. He said Eddie Bravo, he takes Muay Thai class there Yeah, sure, why not? How dare he Huh? And he goes, here, let me show you. You know, somebody got you a dance-o-gram. This is how you're going to communicate with people. So maybe a little hot wax got on her.

1:32:30 I mean, don't hurt me, but a little wax, a little hot wax never hurt anybody. We move into Bel Air and Beverly Hills where all these fuckheads are driving million dollar cars. In that style. You're so much hotter than all the other girls who ever do this. Real talk. humanity's ever done was pretty deep so he went a little crazy too R. Kelly has 40 more chapters of Clap the Clown. This isn't

1:34:27 Wow. Black famous crazy. You hide behind the fact that you're a Jew. Imagine. Just watching guys go to war. Spilling. Yeah. Why don't they? They might be able to, well, depends on who you are, obviously. They couldn't block at all. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, they probably have that in development, right? I don't care what and make the world All he has to do is

1:38:17 he could. Yeah. He's an alien. You don't even know about comic books. We got to pull power back. Was that the same movie? No, no, no, no, no. It's really good. the drama's good the whole There's real danger. A plus. And a lot of music, too. I like it, but If it makes you have something. we're going with this. I used to have my CDs alphabetized No only vibrate when it rings and that's it. It's the only notification. I went through a clusterfuck when my phone upgraded and went from text messaging to sending iMessages.

1:43:26 I don't need it going everywhere. God damn it. Are you sure it's always infringing. It's always infringing on your day four leg upgrade, girls don't even know Well, they pulled away Milo Yiannopoulos. Exactly. But he's still allowed to post so they're not some posts are saying if it's offensive of the with your account right well then it's not see he's not

1:45:26 He's a conservative, I guess, blogger, I guess you would call him. with him on some things but he's a very bright guy yeah so when he finds someone Well, he'll say – I don't know. uh on the offensive side instead of on the cute side um you'll get retweets if it's on the cute So they took away his verify. what they want to verify. humorous journalists have done?

1:48:30 rude, or who knows what exactly went down, that money starts being a thing that's thrown I don't know exactly how it works in Canada, but if it was in the United States. that's right okay um and he made a joke about that yeah okay and it was a bit he had but like that's i hate that i'm not going to chick-fil-a the guy supports you know anti-gay stuff okay

1:50:29 Well, I wouldn't say he went sour. Was it? But, God, it was such terrible acting and no plot and just like, wait, wait, wait. for about 25 minutes Dude, you have, because I saw it. charged and very, very sensitive What I was going to say is it's just not well done. Watch Ex Machina and watch that movie. And then after he won, Chris Kyle got killed and Jesse Ventura got all these death threats because he wanted to continue with the case.

1:53:16 I don't think he did. definitely some inappropriate boners yeah you know if he could get one he got one i mean during that I didn't tell him to sit like that. Super Mario Kart, but listen to Beat It. I don't know how we got on that. To those people that he saved. The way they- And he was trying to protect his friends, right? But if this movie is about a French sniper or about a sniper

1:55:12 I don't remember it's possible he's ever heard of. You can't even see him. Because, like, it's not that good to see out of the scope. It was just just here's the question though What um is it also a factor of you're telling a real person's story with as little variation from the truth as possible when he was doing lines. He had a rubber baby, when he finds his girlfriend in bed with another guy throws out and they're having that talk he's

1:57:12 He's in practice. with his girl. Let this hit you. Sort of. And it was this crazy story. on truth some of this just like they didn't know the relationship between this guy and this girl Bullshit. I was thinking to myself, who the fuck is going to keep that guy off of them? Not paid more? Why would you change that? Hold on. Let me ask you a question.

2:00:21 a rogue thing. People just did What kind of damage you could do to him verbally? Get out of here, fuckboy. Chicken. I don't know. Hmm. Which one doesn't have a USB port? It's not the Air. Like if you were trying to sync your phone up to it or something like that, you'd plug Yeah, maybe you can't handle it You hurt me. I'm going to try Z out for a while.

2:03:05 Gender neutral. Why do you have to say Mr.? I love when people shit on some sort of stand-up and they go oh what is that all you can I'm like, this movie couldn't even make up its mind, whether it's a comedy or R. We would have the best time. It was interesting, but it was sad. Oh, yeah. That's not a comedy, and it's not a musical. We've already established, right here, between you you and I the shit I love that you hate.

2:05:04 It was very Star Wars-esque. Tell me some other movies Mad Max. You know, Eddie Bravo fucking hated it. Well, because there's a thing called editing. other people to learn things we all learn together but she beat up it's i think later beating up a this guy who's been studying You know what? you in a theater when they clapped when they saw the Millennium Falcon?

2:07:16 Oh, I like that. They fucked up in that regard, right? I'm not saying it. Right. son ready to come up your worst case scenario you're one of the coolest guys of all time loved Super heroic, swashbuckler with a giant Bigfoot by his side and the hot princess, and they He's a gorgeous Jew. Jamie, back me up on that. It's perfect hair. fucking metal helmet off. Do you know how much

2:09:50 Meanwhile- I did like how they made- Harrison Ford. it it's like we keep checks on them all the time this one i don't know how this one got through Diversity. or this doesn't seem like the right gender. embrace they were so happy to see each other so happy it was a lot like um when that movie um They survived. Yeah And the bond that you have, because you sort of imprint on this moment.

2:12:49 Yeah, deep emotional connection I'd be like, ooh, Like, people can develop some serious emotional connections to areas. I think everyone had already given up on him from the last one. were really original the They were robot aliens. that maybe pull a video up so you could see what that uh that scene was like because it's cool to That's the classic one.

2:15:03 Jesus. These images by Frank Frazetta. Let's go to this one right now. It's bulging. That was back before What? The guy who'd get bullied. He's an amazing actor. No. and he shot himself, I think, when he was like 36. You know, it was like these countries that never existed and they were doing battle and He's a pussy. You know, like the greatest of all time.

2:18:51 It wasn't like that kind of stuff. gonna let you see that you're like a 12 year old boy yeah they don't show it in movies they cut I ran into him recently at Whole Foods. conan yeah he's a good size for con Like that would be like what Conan would be built Schwarzenegger was filled with 32 pounds of Mexican supplements at any given time. He's slimmed down

2:21:14 He was so big. Like that guy's built That's not a backwards baseball cap. was still massive you know even when he like got smaller but if you go back to his bodybuilding Multiple time, Mr. Olympia. So that's just a comparison But if you go back to that image, the one, yeah, look at the difference in the legs. Ronnie Coleman? Just let everybody know

2:23:17 should I call them athletes? Well, yeah, But that's how you get your skin really thin. future well there's a lot of those guys that did have a future they just never had a future like You're just some German. No, you can't be a movie star. What? You're the biggest movie star in the world? All right. Well, that's it. No, you stop. You're a bodybuilder. You did it? All right. That's enough. You've done enough.

2:24:52 You're a movie star bodybuilder. Yeah. Bullshit. connects to that Republican base. You'd have to get Jesus. It's a lot of... Not a lot of evidence that there was a real guy right wrote about him in Talmud did they mm-hmm right and they all fly but it's clearly faked yeah before there were videos of that they were just Yeah, or somebody just went and grave robbed.

2:27:05 They put him in a tomb, right? Those lesbians in that club in Vancouver. and talk to people. Let them know that You don't know shit. Yeah. They added their own rules. Shit no, dude. We're here to kill people. Okay. We're just gonna nail you to this cross So why would they give a shit about doing this to one other dude? We really do need to appreciate our surroundings and love each other like brothers and sisters.

2:30:08 Try to talk to these people They were just like lopped off that's why i've always hated the crossbow takes too long to reload it's a bullshit Okay? This guy has been out there. You ever hit a rock on purpose to see if it'll ricochet? You just don't. He shoots him in the head, and it just sticks right in there magically and he pulls it right out That stupid thing, you got to grab it.

2:32:28 They should have somebody walking dead with an actual bow and arrow. Don't tell me. He's hilarious. But for folks listening, go go check it out, but I mean like most people don't actually have a bow and arrow So if anyone would like this bit, it's me you yeah His wife's cool too. he hustled, man. Yeah, he's hilarious. He's another guy that has a very specific style. What is this? Did you paint your fingernails, guy? Yeah.

2:34:18 I've seen him before. Beautiful. it's over hey he would have a cigarette it's over who's gonna fuck you it's You're going to fall in love with the hooker. It didn't seem real, right? did you hear about bowie dying fuck what'd you think of him i loved him yeah i saw the exhibit But him and Mick Jagger, I was like, what is this message? He did that shit all the time.

2:37:05 Like, to have sex with other people, they're right next to each other. What do you care? What is he doing? How long do you think we could do this these thickness fingers up you and Duncan couldn't kiss each other for more than two seconds I thought you guys were just lips. Because it seems like they're both in different climates. Blue Pants. That's unfortunate.

2:39:15 They had these Coke spoons as part of the exhibit. stardust show of all time and then he plays his last song and gets off and the band's like wait thing and they're just like almost half kissing this guy and people like wait what the fuck was everyone was a Michael Jackson fan, everybody. Did he really? I think he was a blowhard. Yeah. Dude, he has everything to lose.

2:42:13 First of all, they said, one of these guys said, I read this tweet about it where he's saying, to have him killed... He must have known the risk of that. I didn't I wasn't aware of that sean penn responsible for the fact that el chapo has killed other people like he shouldn't be again yes they just did and then he just they only caught him like two days ago oh and they

2:44:40 They want to. Where you going, P? Conspiracy, my brother. or apparently the biggest drug dealer, if he's to be believed, ever. He's a known gangster of incredible reputation. A fucking guy who's won Oscars? I heard that... Now they pulled him back in, which is why he's been arrested again. shitload of money to have somebody dig a tunnel and i don't think they do a good job of watching

2:47:30 In that place. Yeah. But yeah, so El Chapo got captured. What he did was just unnecessary. And he was just trying to stand up for a guy that he has that's another guy for it seems all fake could you imagine sean penn in that Cooper scene where the girlfriend was banging another guy and it just seems all fake. His quality of work is definitely to be respected.

2:49:16 Faye Dunaway from the beginning, man. i don't know good lord jack nicholson and faye dunnaway in chinatown holy shit Like you lose yourself. It's Seth Rogen. these fucking people were so it was perfect it just slipped right in but if one of those people It's fun to go, what's up, Maz? You're traveling all over the world, though. And then we went to Amsterdam afterwards.

2:51:48 I mean, I really, one of the things I'd like to do in another country Wow. So I might do a show in India this year. They do it for not just expats. I am here to take your order. This is more racist. Doesn't someone have a bit on that? He's hilarious. Hilarious. Like, Eddie must have ordered, like, a prescription medication and used his cell phone as the phone number.

2:53:34 Has solar panels in his house like for whatever reason you get a list that was like a big issue with people They would sell your information I mean forever. Conversations with these people and they would go on forever man like one second i need to deal with this yeah he'd have like crazy fake arguments you know like in Yeah. I'm sure now he's too busy.

2:56:07 Because if it's free, if you get all the minutes in the world all the time, then people are People are like, you motherfucker! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! E You ran your hour special, or you ran it. I just ran my new hour, yeah. In the belly room. Yeah. I walked in for a little bit. I'm getting, I mean, I'm doing it.

2:57:04 Say it right, though. Don't say Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Edinburgh. They'll get mad. Edinburgh. They're like, you fucker. You've been it in Edinburgh. Oh, in Edinburgh. For a month. Say it right, though. That would make it stronger. Yeah, it might not work in Chicago. The 19th is the next one, and then whatever. Oh, shit. It's two weeks after that. At the Comedy Works.

2:58:30 And if you like sports, check out the sports podcast This week, coming out later today, I guess, is the Ari Shaffir interview by Danish and O'Neal. Good night, you fucks.