Joe Rogan Experience #751 — Doug Stanhope Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I won't take them unless I can actually sell it. It's a really good product. call it Ari's Butthole, Do you remember, Jamie? Maybe some fan picked it up in homage. promotion on an email spam blast. Games are good disease and fucking memory loss You got in late. I would just pick random things out of it. Yeah, but the things that I actually like, who tells me, don't say anything for free.

3:51 It's so loose. I don't have comedy there We try to hit... Guys like me would do it. small town they like I'm a rich guy there again it's a destination at the Because you're only like Like that would be a fun trek Oh, like those silver cool looking ones? You could just go back and, you could role play. I don't want to insinuate that any crime took place on this podcast, so let's change the

7:11 to sign some papers they'll fucking investigate Yeah, just to save each other's money. It was big news, and I go, just let the last episode be me and Joe getting gay married, Yeah. of manhood that i witness in men that are in their 40s that get divorced like, like, I'm fucking alive again. And they just stand out. you know, of the clock ticking in the

9:48 But I've been doing that since my early mid-30s. He wasn't even drunk. Yeah. neil hamburger right but for real no he'll go up there with a drink or so but tom arreara is Who are they? They just dare each other to do shit. Explaining the true TV I worked with him on that CBS hidden camera thing. Anyway. Really nice guy. Except for the intimidating part.

13:31 That's part of my regular nomenclatures. I know I stole that from Brendan Walsh. Oh, hi, nice lady. Hi, nice lady. I know I stole that from Brendan Walsh. but instead of saying, hey, baby, hey, good luck. Walsh always said it Please hold I use all the time And I stole that from Captain Rowdy's wife where you got them from and then all of a sudden you're like you're all going hey now or you know hey there or you know whatever this one guy does.

14:39 That's hilarious. Please hold. This was back when they could do that. It's just like, I know I got my money here somewhere. smart one you got a smart one you got one that didn't fall into the hive. I hate bounty hunters just because they're cocks. they mimic your own phone number. You have a limited time. and then go off to you know whatever you Catalogs and stuff like that and he would you know who get the catalogs?

17:55 It's like a part of you dies. that that that the cause and effect there's no scientific all over their shelf There's that. grandpa just like to buy shit out of catalogs because he's bored like i'm gonna die soon let Before I die, I better take Grandpa worked in a factory that made a part for the A-bomb. My grandfather was one of the nicest guys of all time.

21:17 He really was. I actually went back writing that book, And there's a lot of things in the book that sound like bullshit. And bang, my mom slaps the button. Because a lot of stuff. Yeah. She was good. She'd be drinking cough syrup because she's a lifelong menthol smoker. probably like NyQuil West Orange. There was a comic themselves the Robo Raiders.

24:48 I, uh, I got sick. And you could press it. So I'm just like, oh, bam, bam, bam. It was the same feeling that I had when I had surgery. Where I've taken Vicodin, it did nothing. That was his thing. I write sober and afraid. It's great for stage. this is i've never had cocaine but i did have this fucking coca leaves tea from jan irvin he had this One was a really good friend, and. One was a really good friend.

28:42 What is it? Three people out there got that reference. I mean, you were on, essentially, you were on speed. I mean, she went from being a girl who had this really pretty face sexy that's why a chick always wants your coat when she goes I'm going to dress all sexy. If we're all hanging out and it's If we're all hammered, if I knew we were fucked up.

31:18 horrishly and fishnets and whatever because they don't they'd rather be in agony than look bad. If you're a fat girl that can outlast her, you're going to get the same fucking action. Millions of real, honest friends. Ugh. Well, it's like... Well, she develops a bunch of business ventures that are extremely successful. It's probably Britney Spears, but they're all the same.

33:17 pictures of my pussy because who the fuck lets a guy get on his knees looking up your dress as you That's where porn won. I'm out of the business. He's got a huge dick and ball sack. you know what, the porn industry I think Amy Schumer's funny. Yeah. Yes. Joey can do it. Joey does it all the time. I mean, it's because it's funny. But he's doing it to be funny

36:55 what is she trying to do? when we were at that same she is the voice for all Like, Amy was on this show... Does she have... left behind there was a there's a fucking great Pete you know Jamie from Yeah, yeah. to a new location, It might be real wood paneling. I said, can I please have the piece that says there was no Instagram had been around forever

39:47 Well, like right now, there's like a hundred Attels. Well, they've kind of branched out into their own, which is what happens, man. I wasn't even being myself. I go, wow, he sounds like Hedberg. We were going through the litany of our favorite Hedberg and Attels. He really did give free bread to a His first He's just his own little weird category. She doesn't get around to shit.

43:17 and autographed it to me. them and he pauses on and there's stacks of dirty dishes higher than the sink and it's just as bare mattresses we're And the door guys that were cool are going to take us out to party. And I'm like, what's the minimum? A minimum? next to a hooker For 50 bucks? 67, yeah. It's almost like America Canada Yeah because there's a lot of heroin up there.

47:12 people like every single inch Look at this. The door deal. I explain the financial alternatives. oh, that could That was 1994. what the fuck are you doing here? Well, because they all It's like everything has got a little extra kick to it. It's like playing the Antarctic, which I really want to do. Yeah. There's like pockets of people everywhere that get it.

49:58 Fuck Salt Lake. I arrived at the airport, like, a few months back. don't even have like clean water that they need to embrace the joseph smith yeah yeah the mormon What's that? But Google it at home. No. because everybody's on a fucking horse. The border was nothing. Mexico, they're all a part of the Mormon Notice how I say doc because I'm looking in the industry.

53:06 I'll just say that. That is what it's like. our opinions are not popular i mean fuck this i going to go to some other country or place where no one fucks with us, If David Koresh got into a situation It's all about the nomenclature you gotta label it correctly that's what the whole scientology She came with me after the show. There's like, as a culture, as a society, there's like, we get the main ones.

56:06 and fucking wears a special suit We got to... for president. A charismatic leader. People don't want to fend for themselves. that they needed to form those decisions. I think there's a bunch of things we have to with the same name. It it's like what is this fucking Yeah. I had a long night full of stimulants in Viagra, and the fucking chick I thought was a sure thing.

58:37 I'm just going to not call. they should take your credit card and sell it to India and came back and there was a charge for seven thousand plus dollars for porcelain tile. Yeah, that's Did anyone steal your identity or steal your It's just all stored up on a computer somewhere. A million people might see it in a day or two. like connection to technology that we're inevitably going to have.

1:01:18 I think that's what's going to happen. Yes. With global warming, You know what? make sure you realize which club soda is vodka. Oh, no, no. He could be drinking himself sober. future more because i have children that's probably true but you know what it's not just that it's not transgender rights and we're making better and better technology all that other stuff just allows

1:04:42 isn't this shit we have enough? the poverty line, and you go, but then there would be a new poverty line. I'm below the poverty line again. cease and desist going all right this this is like free samples at the safeway and you just Lars, Earl Rich. He was there. And then they shut it down because of that fucking Lars cunt. Danish? He definitely didn't have somebody friends He definitely didn't have somebody

1:07:54 Yeah It's not because we didn't try No, but I'm saying you put out like 48 podcasts a week, and then you wrestle guys, and then What do you mean? Do I have a I don't want anybody telling me you can't go to bed at 5 o'clock in the morning, you can't want to hear shit from anybody. Like I don't want to I don't want anybody telling me you can't go to bed at five o'clock in the

1:09:29 It's because I want to. like what shit you would normally do. You're positive. I don't know. What's the last one? Fed some monkeys. with us, he took a nap in front of us, fucking thing's lying there, lying down with his fucking Like, whoa, how many Oreos have you eaten, monkey? Go get some archery tags for some javelinas and go fuck up some javelinas.

1:11:41 They're rotten beasts. If they didn't exist, if they weren't real, you'd be like, whoa, these are cat eating, They're not even pigs. My neighborhood is three streets and i go oh pack of javelinas traveling that way that's so cool that you live in a place that has I know. If you're in Shackleton's party, you can eat your shoe until you can find some seal blubber.

1:13:50 I hate Burger King, and I told the Uber driver, I go, listen. I'll tip you extra. There's a fucking So you get off that exit. I'd go with shoes. You can't have it all day. That's what I want. They pack them in there and slice them thin. A little bit of processed cheese, but whatever. gym for three hours and lift really hard. We were talking about morphine, right?

1:17:46 I got like three hernias working, and I don't lift anything. Yeah, but the other two. That's the one. The little button with your thumb? Just let them do their stuff. my nose like a cauliflower ear. They clean those and flatten them down. gorgeous except for the nose. Football, right? So if these guys get a surgery, like Achilles tendon or some shit like that, the difference between recovery when you do steroids and recovery on the natch, fucking a giant difference.

1:21:28 taking these steroids while you're Maybe a half of 1% or something. I enjoy it. I feel uneven. That works too. I thought I should just bring whiskey. which is the worst drug Isn't that like part of a Jack Daniels commercial? Yeah. yeah. put your headphones on real quick. Either way, the point is, no one was tweeting Sinatra going, Wolf of Wall Street?

1:25:12 more robust. Unfortunately, but still. J. Edgar Hoover's mother should be the fuck he wants to do he's's smoking, he's drinking, but he appears relatively healthy in comparison to a lot of other people that are not doing those things, Over the normal 47-year-old guy. There's down times to this. end. And we don't know when and we don't know why. straight days, not getting up other than

1:28:05 struggle, what I'm really into when I- Is that what you call fucking groping men? I think I should be doing This is some insight. So like that took me is never worth it. is get it done? And what is within reason? if I don't exercise, I do fucking freak out. do shit that's definitely true you definitely don't have to do I'm going to fucking sit down.

1:31:04 But that's when it's at its best. And that's the beautiful thing about what you're doing, what I that you want to do. That's real. But it's only on your choice. But that's when it's at its best. It's deciphering between what you have to do for you The problem is your life's gotten too I won't have anybody who makes phone calls for me. I guarantee you Tom Cruise answers his own fucking cell phone.

1:32:47 an ecosystem. Don't do too. You're going to absorb that assistance fucking pill thing fucking yeah fucking all sorts of issues taxes A lot of times people get famous Don't do that. What did we want to do? But once you became a full multi-celled organism, when you became an actual guy who's trying to put together an act, what was the ultimate goal? I can't believe I'm driving to

1:34:52 They had canned stocks. He told 10 minutes of jokes. He used to have another gig called the Mattapoisette Inn. Don Gavin, they would headline down there. And I worked there a gang of times with the same dude. They were just drunk, bloated monsters. But most of the time I go, Ah, fuck. Yeah. I've had guys sweat in my ears. walked through the crowd i have three people when i'm trying to rush out and I'm like, I'm such a fucking dick.

1:38:50 or if you're just worried about interacting with these people where it's a weighted conversation. We don't understand how to handle that, especially when it comes to you for no reasons. It doesn't make any sense. Chris Rock is in that level. and I go, hey, what's up, dude? Where was that? You're 48? So if I come to the airport, I expect you to be there for the sign that says Elder Rogan.

1:41:23 That's when we met, right? I think Joey Diaz might have been the instigator. And then he burst out of his egg and became Joey Diaz in 99 like around 98 West Orange, New Jersey yeah same place I got booked at Uncle Funny's in Davie, Florida I could cover the time Otto was awesome. You have to. but his jokes were so awful, That time he showed up, God.

1:44:50 Look at my tattoo. that was a uh urban legend but he confirmed no he told me He told me about it. He told me. His mouth to my ears. He told me his fucking and going I shouldn't And I thought, I'm going to die. right next to the Laugh Factory the other night, cracked out of his head. There's something wrong. You press the button, And I, you know, I undo the little thing that keeps it on.

1:47:40 There's potential for a cell phone to have a spark, and that spark ignites the fumes. That fumes Where'd you get it? I got it It's real touch and go. Either I'm going to jump out of the way, and he's going to light this whole fucking place on fire. Looking at me, over where the gasoline spilled on the ground He was Latino. And when you said finger you

1:49:43 together, but there was definitely some drugs because when he was talking to me, it was just like there was probably drugs and there was probably something else. It was stupid and drugs together. But there was definitely some drugs. morning for kids and E-cigarettes is a fucking sponsor i They want to do an Uber for babysitters. Like an Uber 4. out a thousand times how old one time where it doesn't

1:52:13 True. I wait in case they're drunk. And he can't hold on to the thing when he hits a possum. It takes them away. Yes. then the path is clear. I'm not saying that drinking I dated a girl once. She was like, she didn't have anything to do with show business. So all the things that i like she's kind She might as well have been a small, hairy, sweaty dude with shit smeared over him.

1:55:40 You came that close to this being your girlfriend. We're gonna have some fun together That's not mentioning. That's the most magical thing about people. I was trying to describe Chad Shank, the friend I'm staying with while I'm in town, and everything about him sounds, Chad Shank, well, he used to do this and that, bad things, It's always going to be the case.

1:58:14 I mean, Diaz is the epitome of some weird personality diamond. Fuck you. The point is, if you what kind of people do you associate Krista, I'm like Yeah. but Joey Diaz has a very marketable talent One time, the Lakeshore Theater. My favorite I didn't know. Local guy does well. a decision. I'm like, well, I'm definitely when they're there and they're on.

2:02:17 But the point is, biting people yeah see this there's all sorts of levels of fucked up. That's one of the things when we worked in the man show. it well it's also the there's that but it's also it's the right thing to do because i think you and I'm like, well, Brendan Walsh obviously must be, he's in. I've had a few of those guys. He's one of the only guys.

2:05:00 He's kind of the same way with me. I go, listen to Ari Shafir killing. because he had a restraining order. I had to bring new guys to Seattle gun kidnapping a drug Duncan's the best. Yes, he's great. Have you ever had to discipline someone? Brian likes to find the worst The guy who drives you in the morning. Well, he's crazy. and he fucking destroyed and i remember being so sad thinking i will never be as good as this guy

2:08:38 I remember thinking, man, Like, I can't tell you no. The reason why you're not like that is because you're better than him I'm better than Hicks you motherfucker you it on Rogan's podcast. I'm better than Hicks. Tell me one thing you know from Hicks' body of work that tells you anything personal about him? being? He had opinions. but I'm better than fucking Hicks.

2:10:52 Well, if you go back, you are rude, and you're killing my heroes. I came out of this thing going, DMT. fucking like legitimately and I knew That wasn't the Brea improv, mate, was it? The DMT was a smart move. Executives. But then once we were working, once we were actually on the set, we went back to my place this one night That's what Doug's original name for it was, because it was your idea.

2:14:15 Make Me Laugh was a game show where a contestant had to not laugh while three comedians fucked with them. And then the guy's sitting there The concept happened, Yes. make a new sign. It's fucking He's going to be naked. He has Timberlands on This is what they tell Doug and I. They say, You want to do this? Then there was executives. i love zoe oh she was crying is this really what you think? Is this man show?

2:17:35 I can't believe she agreed to that. Yes. Yeah. So Joey So I look at them and I go, told you. They were ridiculous. That's Houston, Texas. Yeah. Now I'm regrouping. What I found was that I was writing blogs, and then I was taking some of the ideas out of those blogs, don't mind, or people get But initially, two guys. I've heard it said... way will be exciting for them as well so in a way where instead of just pressing play you say even

2:21:06 He gets all fucked up. I'll give you your money back right now. The great thing about my audience always the fear of getting carried away by the newfound ideas of like what reality really is Let me get my phone. Where are you going? I think. Yeah, I've been to ADR multiple times. shit they didn't come across right because the sound was all fucked up or

2:24:30 I don't know what. Brian, guess close to. shitty mountain dew like a mountain dew for people who couldn't find mountain that's taking Yeah, that was the song that Bob Dylan beat him down with. that's a good song he's going nowhere where I appreciated equally Look, if you talk about football, that's the same way I feel. It stinks. Why? He's funny. Any time an athlete can actually pull off even a little bit of funny where you didn't expect it, it's hilarious.

2:27:38 He was. So when You've had that before? This is the prelims. from the back row but Joe Rogan Joseph does marijuana. Try making him come. He's being too humble here. Let me tell you something about how And then it gets more and more bizarre. But Don King showed up while you could still hear my heckles. hear every word I said. Virgil Hill, he was fighting that night.

2:31:32 Him and his brother Pepper, they're both punchy as fuck, but I did telemarketing with him in the 80s in Vegas. which he's pretty Chris Crazy Legs Fonseca, the Denver comic. Yeah. Oh, I get it. Funny, is that you still seem to be, at least to me, when I listen to your podcast especially, you're still trying to have fun. That's awful. Being like going into isolation tanks.

2:35:41 with a finite lifespan. The way you chop up lines. Yeah. and you visit and you And I think that kind of carries on. do stand-up yeah that was because any money i made from stand-up would be donations to the and then you have to i can't do taxes when i do my taxes i just over pay on But as a public performer, if you are going to be some sort of a political figure, like you're going to have a voice on a soapbox in front of all these people with a microphone microphone You can't do anything else on a microphone because it's kind of the same thing and their eyes

2:39:49 I love the Trump. entertainment but there's that material you know comics who just find a News of the Weird article and just repeat it on stage? But how much weirder is he than Mitt Romney? He's an entertainer. Yeah, he's doing this for entertainment for himself. reality star who's also a billionaire real estate developer i'm going with that guy even if he says

2:41:47 something like that the idea that that one person makes all the calls for all the decisions that Him and his wife. Listen, I'm a fan of Narcos. And I don't. If you have not watched The Staircase, watch that and then watch Making a Murderer. he had called several times, Oh, you know what? I would bunch? You know what? I would fuck Whitney. fucking five degrees of Kevin Bacon up in this

2:44:36 What's happening? Nine. Are you okay? shit. We're still okay. And mental mortgage Someone had to throw it I don't believe I've said that before. Okay. But the idea is being in my head. Amy Schumer said it. You live here. That's why I was going to use Amy Schumer, and I would blame the writers, going on stage, and coming up with these funny premises

2:47:01 you know, this was like in the 90s-ish. shit that I already put out But I stopped doing that because they can never come up with their own. is if it was their care i'm my life moves on i have real problems in my life but let me ask you this because that's that's a different story. because it's a big joke that you have like it's like it's it's a really like well respected and

2:50:30 Like Dan, he's talking about his own life they should have to say in some sort of a way, No one's good. Well, then you ask Joe Rogan to step his ego so much one show only he's doing a thursday or vice versa but honestly that is not a bad thing that had been accepted into the community because of sort of i don't like the term reverse racism But that's exactly where you should not give a fuck.

2:53:37 but I can't hate you too much How dare you, Doug Stanhope, reveal the game. issue it's the audience is always the problem no people didn't feel like they could go on stage the internet and TV and everything. And he's like, I don't give a fuck. even after I heard Maybe it's bigger when you live in LA. There's like, he doesn't, And I called him up. Go ahead and do it.

2:57:14 I know. And it got my head. one time You just got to like enjoy the ride. It was a good Hollywood moment. If you could just give me Burr and Joey Diaz where everyone has a fucking Vega It's so crazy to watch. 200 miles an hour? The guy got out and stood there. Downer for the end. His family was upset because he was killed? They blamed it on the driver. Really? His family was upset because he was killed?

3:01:06 That's a tricky distinction, right? be responsible for head-on-head collisions if you didn't intend them to be a head-on-head See, hockey's a problem. Because I have zero fucking talent. Ice skating's worse. Joe Rogan is as talented as me You finish up. take over. And then we buy a It's going to work. Did you guys plan this in advance? filter so a filter that makes it look like more gloomy like maybe like a

3:05:03 Right, right, right. No, your house was badly wired. Your house I know what you're saying. He's got a carton in there. Fuck, now I can't remember the goddamn mention his name? So we edit everything. Oh, Stan Hope already did it. Everybody was just sort of like distribute it. We're like, hi, on a minute. a podcast right and then then there's the the fake research that goes into finding podcast guests

3:09:18 Yeah. Fucking unbelievable. no famine, there's no diseases, technology is going to continue to progress. It becomes, and busting you becomes a game. not been judged for their expression Everything's one of our bits. and now you're saying it different on a podcast in a conversational way, Whatever it is. Whatever it is. I, I don't know if genetics are real. Whatever it is.

3:11:46 like the reaction and contemplation and solution of an idea They've done it with mice where they've figured out a way to, reaction to something coming at I don't know who I got it from. Hey, now. I gotta go. Yes, I'm Brian Hennigan. I can't hear you. And it got great reviews and it was never published in the US. and left it open like that. And it will be available in the UK.

3:15:10 we're waiting for someone to move out of our Altruism. parks your car Jamie. Kettlebells.