Joe Rogan Experience #77 — Eddie Ifft Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. He's a hilarious stand-up comedian and a good pal of mine. And we are sponsored by The Fleshlight. I go dry, too. Yeah, that's great. Fleshlight guy last night He quit I haven't looked through The catalog That you can like Yeah even though i'm a part of the company i have not We had one title once that was called, I'm looking at the back, and he goes, and I realize, I guess I'm going to have to eat

3:06 every comic would go, that's the funniest guy He's fucking weird. There's no way to got like this secret life Oh, my God. Damn, that's a dude that will fucking keep a secret, though. Yeah, we got a soldier. Really? But I couldn't get any friction in the pussy. like famous playboy model and they were out and they were all doing coke and partying and she goes

5:57 Now, did he fuck the chick afterwards? I would rather not fuck that girl. That girl has a lot of outrageous demands. Is that still around? Because there's no extradition laws there. like, that guy is notorious. I think big finance people that especially if you go to other countries. and all the South Africa. And it was like, we didn't even want to have sex with them.

8:53 That's a decent night in the OR. I want to put Pringles on. my flight because i was all fucked up oh this was the same trip on the way back uh i tried to leave So they checked my visa. Guy just took my passport, walked away, and I never saw my passport again until 24 hours later. started beating so fast that I'm like, they kept making me go. No one at all.

11:36 listen, I'm Not in the world, but I mean in the Middle East. And you're like, wait a minute. No, no. We drank around a female. like like you so do you have a mark against you now so if you go go to Dubai now. I'm never going again. We filmed one thing and the hat. And we kept asking people, sit in the audience and watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the lines?

14:15 And he was talking about almost getting arrested. And apparently one guy got incredibly offended and called the religious police and people showed up. This is an entirely free country. to other parts of the world they're incredibly suppressive incredibly especially the middle east things. it's super corrupt the fucking The business of government is gigantic.

16:49 yeah i always say everything you know he's so silly he's like it's like ww raw you know the What goes on in your neighborhood, what goes on with your friends, what goes on in your world, the people that you interact with, that's what affects your life. Swear to God. Well, I thought that I had the shady side that was good for politics. No, I wouldn't because I've seen the bullet.

18:48 is he charming? is there's usually a few brilliant writers and these fucking fakes these people that aren't they were gonna give me and they gave me the script of these guys and I went This is shit. This is shit. And my manager at the time was like shut the fuck up. Take the money He listened to that. of this guy's sitcom Amazing that he would even chase after that.

20:44 But then they've been there for 10 years, and you don't realize they never wrote anything good they were just there had like such a great background well often what happens is when there's a team of writers So he gets this giant development deal. And whenever I see a guy who's trying to be wacky, you know, you're wearing We meet and then they give me one of his scripts. The script that I read is fucking terrible. I

22:58 A sitcom is about an immortal. When you look at, like, the best sitcoms that have ever existed, the jobs or whatever they do, it's so superfluous. He just didn't. And they were like, this guy does not suck. There's more to writing than just being funny. know i'm tired of writing fences i think i can i think i'm good writer i've done it i've been Yeah, everybody.

25:45 Unless you do it, Yeah, I did. doing it you just can't really truly understand it. A guy who's actually fought a bunch of times is like, important to have managers and agents, you know, but they don't have to know everything. They just have to shut the fuck up and push in the right direction, if you're talented. You go on stage, everything come out of your mouth.

27:46 It was fucking terrible. We get you and a girl. I think actually he's doing really well because he's got Mike Royce and Tom Hurt, who are really good writers. And he actually did shit that was amazing. Tony Rock I believe was in it uh dean edwards who got really wacky act like there was there's a screw loosely handsome and he had this really wacky act like there was

30:15 And he'd do flips on stage and run around the audience and throw his arms in the air. Anyway, he wound up getting this giant development deal and just being a complete total bust. You know how comics are. we'll give you a million dollars if he doesn't step on that stage because they knew his price But there was a lot of people that were into this kid and comics would be standing in the

32:18 got this energy you know those energy like vampires that just suck all the energy away from everyone i'm about to punch you in the face like that so you thought he was doing it on purpose yeah and to go out and... Does it say anything about him? here. I ain't got a voice. You guys got a lot of here. They got their pants hanging off their ass. Got their hat

33:54 he had on. the tough ass shit, driving his mama's minivan. No, same kid that walks in the dance clubs You can fuck up your walkie-talkie. I mean, it's not the worst comedy I've ever heard. Nothing wrong with that. and then nothing happened for it. killed it was their lack of real talent and ability to recognize talent right you know these these There's a lot of that going on, man.

36:35 wanted to throw this guy money. I love doing news radio. And so if you don't do that, what are you dealing with? And I met Paul in Edinburgh. I was doing the Edinburgh Festival, and I kind of did the thing as a bit. I did it back in the 90s. That's what we named the script was the second coming because it's all about the guy jerking off was the opening scene.

38:30 And this is a real thing? reading it as if it was news that Palin supporters really believe that, you know, we have to inject And when I did it at the comedy store, I mean, it's not a real Jesus we're talking about. He could come back all fucked up. There's a lot of evidence that there was no Jesus. that? because they'll say it's identical of the other one.

41:16 that's where things get really weird because constantine and a bunch of bishops created a I don't know. Your dog's retarded? That came from a wolf Yeah Sent them after rats. And there's a pipe way down underneath that runs out to a creek. My Jack Russell killed a raccoon. By the way, I used to do that. road and all of a sudden i hear her go and i'm like oh fuck she's you know she's now fighting

44:28 And he said, the vet said, these things will rip your dog apart. rabies aren't bad in California, I mean, it was like a dog. And I'd panic and slam the door. I want the dog to get sprayed. It doesn't work that good. You got to keep doing it over and over and over again that dog stunk for And he's like, and the fucking little mask on this. Well, what about a dingo?

46:50 I don't know. Do kangaroos kill people? This thing I read the other day, it said like 100 people die a year from it. ceiling yeah as tall as your ceiling and i went come on i swear to god and i got out of the car Fucking get in the fucking car. Yeah, no shit. It was fucking 10. Whoa, okay, here we go. They can went to the zoo in Australia. It was fucking terrifying.

49:16 That's insane. I don't know. Dude, it was the scariest thing. That's crazy. Well they kind of are told this story but i'll tell it again for this i was at a gas station once and i went to use a Yes. There's more rats than people in New York City. Yeah, yeah, like four. like jumping up and down like screaming because it's like it's like that fucking like adrenaline

52:21 They're furious. Dude, there's so many of them in Manhattan. dumpster there's the biggest rat I've ever seen in my life I mean it is like a raccoon it was Do I get a rock? and we're making some fucking scary rat that is just... my it's i don't know what it actually stands for but it's uh something resistant uh staph so it's you know and i got contacted and this is one of the coolest fucking things about this podcast

55:19 That shows the difference between your listeners and ours. It's so creepy. And they've naturally selected birds with bigger and bigger breasts So in business terms, the farmer sees profits go down And then they send out the bird, you know, like 15 days later and the bird's still pumped Thanks, AT&T, you fucking cunts. But it's been feeding. Put it on a banner and raise it into the rafters at, like, the Apollo Theater?

57:34 Don't be mad. that's funny um so anyway back to this guy, what the guy was explaining to me. So no steroids for chickens. Dirty hippie. Terrible noise in people's ears. And my chicken breasts that I get are grass fed and they're fucking massive. I don't know. Because that's just shitty writing to me. It was like I was in a video game. person you couldn't recreate it with like cgi because what it is isn't possible.

1:00:34 too because i've noticed this on past hallucinatory trips before like like little things so like after I'm completely paranoid. And I've had it happen. Like, what do you have to go to therapy about? You know, it's another funny story. and she goes do you want a muffin and i'm like yeah i'll have a muffin so i ate the muffin and i'm like these are really good and she's like yeah and then i callen goes what's

1:03:03 experience all alone and i'm having like a wonderful night and i called a girl and you're like can you go to 7-eleven for me i Thinking, I did like an hour and 45 minutes. be dead right now then why because i smoke pot every day and my life's crazy you know your life's but you know what I'm talking about. Not knowing that it's Australia. I'd been drinking all day.

1:05:15 I turned around and looked at these girls and I go, make it stop. tripped out at fear factor i had to sit with all those girl interns in their car and i'm just Might as well have been smoking talcum powder. the dea raided him during the bush administration and we had two we had one on the way there and and you're like dude i still have a mic on everyone can and so now everybody everybody

1:07:23 they have like a maid and everything they leave the pot cookies out because the parents are always out that he was medicated? They gave the teacher pot cookies. show there they go oh yeah we got this fraternity that at the end of hell week they uh they feed They're just all shitting on each other. I did stand up at a fraternity once. I'm pretty sure.

1:09:20 It stood on a cafeteria table. Was they made this guy It's pretty much It almost happens And this is just an iced coffee or an iced tea, rather. You just shouldn't change your fucking habits. woman i go do you have salt packets i need fucking salt i just wanted to down some salt right and Yeah, and it was like we were on the Crosstown radio station.

1:11:30 It might be San Jose. We're such pussies. This guy went to Penn State and my friends all know him and they all talked about him. him one night or I see him and I go hey dude dead no in new jersey i have vinnie brand told me a story i forget the comic i think he was one of those like crazy Lenny. but Lenny was really old. Have you ever heard of that before?

1:14:08 This Kitty Dukakis thing It just goes to show you how much your world is falling apart What? Baby, I'm talking about drinking some rum cologne. What were they? Just drink a Coke. I know two parents where their kids are just wild, they're crazy, Hi, how you doing? No one's watching what they're eating. Jim Jefferies said his mom used to wake him up every morning with a glass of orange juice

1:16:50 And they do need some help. how many people that you know that are a mess that have fucked up lives ever pull it together ever you know ever so few but so few people is a product of like it actually cleaned up that problem people can do it man you can change it I would fucking drive my cars over cliffs. thing where you, you, you sent me a message. and he's another guy

1:19:15 wow he puts out He's fucking hilarious. No, he's there now permanently. they fucking crush you I'm going too what day is your Because the UFC, what happens is the UFC books their stuff kind of late in comparison to Some of them get confirmed, and some of them are still up in the air. you'll pack that place yeah so the first one's already sold out in the second one so and by the

1:21:41 So this is the place I'm doing in Sydney as the RSL Club. Yeah. But why are they telling me to get out of town? Yeah, it's just a fucking suburb. Bogans? What does that mean? Australia's a goddamn manly country. Fucking beautiful place, man. And you want to go tomorrow? It's fucking nutty. But he's a perfect Aussie, just a fucking savage. Hi, she'll be like, go fuck yourself, cunt.

1:24:41 I would say they're pretty much fucking everywhere. Yeah, they're super loose. of the people they talk to are evangelical Christians. So knowing how many people are actually Christians and the evangelical, evangelical Christians or people who believe the earth is less than 10,000 which by the way, I'm almost positive. Sure, I know Sid Rosenberg. What fucking guys stats are

1:27:05 And he's like, why not? And they're like, and how about McHenry with the play in the ninth? No no I wouldn't say that but I'd be like he's a And I watch fucking Bill O'Reilly, and I'm like, he's doing the same shit. This is on BillOReilly.com. the moon's gravity pulls on the ocean. Okay, how did the moon get there? How did the moon Did it just happen?

1:29:43 and to think that this was all luck, that all this human body, the intricacies of it and everything else, all luck, than it does to believe in a deity. holy shit. If he does believe that shit, And I definitely think he's, you know, trying to fit a, fit a mold and, and trying to appease his I think these guys, they start playing a character, I had a great talk with Dice the other day.

1:31:51 Yeah. Is it Max Clay? He would do like Stallone, and he would do De Niro. they get all these people, thank you, Mr. Beck, you make me so happy. And then they start fucking believing it, man. Because the human ego, when you're the type of person that's really selling something and pitching something and getting all this adulation for it, if you're an egomaniac, which most people who get into the public eye are,

1:33:14 They get all this love and fan mail. Yeah, that's creepy. Because he's fucked up. the way they can break down complex orders in society, brilliant at becoming the perfect version of this guy that all these retards need. This is ridiculous. can't and Glenn Beck puts out one every 15 days it's fucking insane you know but these guys I conversations with really successful people where they say, I can't do that because I'm

1:36:39 And as a performer, as a comedian, my act's constantly changing. So it's going off and on and it's choppy for people. It's broadcasting. So people, like, you know, I'm lucky enough know i've become more liberal as i get older. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think as you become No one's got a gun to their head. actually it's when i worked with you down in um tampa or i was doing the the early and then you

1:39:20 And they were holding up signs that God hates fags and blah, blah, blah. Go fucking have a life. just go suck a cock it's gonna change your whole life you're out here you're doing this shit because The next night I walk out, it's the atheists holding up signs going, know there is no god and god is bad and god science does is it shows it's well first of all statistics and things that can be measured

1:42:09 that's how we are with the universe. Look, it knows how to get around this pebble. It's an audio, right? Two days ago. uh i think he was you know fucking have you ever told your uh story that you did at the storyteller It was called SUNY Farmingdale. Okay. his office i hear him go oh oh yeah so you need a comic yeah yeah and it's not a def jam show right

1:44:39 He's like, you're the intermission of an auction. Do you know Tony Woods? gonna kill you god damn dog don't go so why didn't you listen it's 500 bucks so i go no but it's an is it's pretty funny when joey diaz wears that yeah sure so i go this is how long ago this was fuck this was he serious he's totally serious they call this gig the little apollo oh my god

1:46:54 So I go down and the emcee goes, what do you want to come out to? chapel and i would come out to fuck the police. Ellen at the time was coming out, For money. you doing back here oh my god and I swear to God I grabbed one of the bottles of rum that they're Jesus Christ. And I swear to God, dates are going for like $7. this professional you know rich comedian and i'm to be able to bid a lot of money on her.

1:50:16 because all the guys were checking her out, where there was like my high school probably had like one black guy and you know his last name was so what's your opening line my opening And I go out. And guys were, hey, And I'm like the other white guy. So I'm going down with her. I think I said something about I said it was like a pedophile. I paused and then you let them just leap on you started building.

1:53:09 right so much I just start biting everyone right I go who the fuck who the fuck threw that and Comedians always want to think I don't remember if I talked about it on the podcast, did I? Yeah, I think so. Brewer, we worst bomb of my entire career. It was devastation. I think I've talked about this before. I don't remember if I talked about it on the podcast.

1:54:21 slow. You know what I mean? just his physical performance his physical you be working, constantly be exerting all this energy, whether it was in kickboxing or wrestling or something. I'm living with my grandfather and my grandmother. went just total chaos. So I'm staying in the house and grandma like she she she died both of them are dead now So I'm living in this house, right?

1:57:05 So my stupid ass, I'm wearing these like nice pants and a nice belt and like a club shirt that you would go out clubbing. off stage when Brewer came up. And, uh, I remember he said, he said, Hey, have fun up there. Have fun. One girl, I remember a girl in the audience, she goes, I was just eating dick up there. the worst set ever the worst bombing ever and i still to this day will go back in my head and that's fucking

1:58:58 The girl on the side of the stage that, that booked me is going, get off, get off. I want to make sure. While you're on stage? ultimate school fuck yeah and i right then i said uh i go uh let me see the checks they went and got the check that's it that's why i was up there You know, and bid on me. a car do you remember this is like 1997 or 98 that this happened or whatever the guy drives me to the

2:01:14 And I'm like, shut the fuck up. that welcome to being but i get home and at the time i was living with people constantly fucking And we're on the way to my grandfather's funeral. it's like next message, beep. She goes, really? and then one guy says, I'm different, these comics i love when i get to pick my middle act i love to bring the best fucking comedian i

2:04:11 No, I mean, I'm funnier when I work Once at the comedy store And I wanted to go home I want to go write I'll go, oh, what, bitch? especially in this direct adulation relationship that you have with an audience. They got to a point where it was too easy for them, The show that nobody ever saw on Fox. Every time Martin Lawrence would have a set, this is back when Martin Lawrence had that

2:06:56 dude that show is the writing was like non-existent but he carried the whole show Piano guy says, Joe Rogan. I'm just chewing up there. but like i used to have to new york you know million times esty used to do at the cellar not here and I'm just going to just keep saying this shit. I remember you and Sarah were on it and Sarah was dirty. And so as a little kid, I'm like watching you, and you were dirty. I remember you and Sarah were on it, and Sarah was dirty.

2:09:39 I might have had an hour of material. because you're really not supposed to be up there talking. You're really not good enough. And they thought, oh, this is awesome. And said it loud enough where it kept on fucking me up. No. Bob Hope died. It's really funny like all of them hate it when I come in their face On Twitter, yells out, and i just you know flippantly you comics, we all say shit like that just to

2:13:16 It's like you're trying to get laughs. and it wasn't really even funny it was just like a quick easy cheap like jibe and i thought about I've got a man in his hand! When a guy like Who become famous somewhere else He doesn't have a lot to complain about right now I go, what? Yeah, but not so. Aussies wrote to me like mate you're fucking you're fucking champion mate we're listening it's fucking hilarious and i was like i want to go to australia more these guys are fucking

2:15:54 know. And this is some fucking you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and you'd still be with your back to me. And then Yes, it is. And then I would take the other hand guy. Any chick is going to hear that and go, Falafel is Middle Eastern food, but I don't think that's what he meant. But understand that this is the kind of human being you're dealing with.

2:18:07 Like focus on yourself. I just go, oh, thanks. I'm working hard. I wanted to prove that I could be good at this. You have to be obsessed with creating good stuff. savage and then you think about how I got into stand-up comedy I was a fucking kickboxer but make girls like me i mean that's what i was doing yeah and all i was obsessed with yeah and all i

2:20:52 dirty. Well, am I supposed to not talk about what I'm obsessed with? Should I talk about what you're developing as a human being, but you know, as your motivation changes and as your perception i mean dana white's crazy and he swears a lot and stuff but he's a fucking really introspective like He's not a meathead. He's a really Everybody can look at things in a more

2:23:16 That's why I got this tattoo. And then it goes. intelligence, it takes a certain amount of discipline. Yeah. So I've seen that these But you know what, man, I, I make sure I try very hard to make sure that my jokes are first and foremost funny. You know, whatever If it was just you guys, you know. I'm not an egomania. It's about having a good goddamn time up there.

2:25:33 I hope they're with me when the punchlines come. just to try to get laughs. And this is what I always say, that there's I was on news radio, though. You didn't even dig into your bag. Dong. I said a lot of stupid shit about about gay people, about whatever the fuck I was, if I thought it would work. They said when you learn to golf, just fucking hit the ball as far as you can fucking hit it.

2:27:45 initially with that. Some guys probably We'll talk about this off air, but there's someone who does that It's on Fragmob. I don't think I need to see that. So tell us where. incredible 450 seats the same I told you yesterday I go it's I like being around my family And on Twitter, libsyn available no matter what all the episodes are available and you can get to libsyn i assume

2:30:18 I understand their thing, trying to keep children away from and we just didn't know. So all your subscribers, So please folks, go to iTunes and resubscribe. Is it up now? I don't think it's up till tomorrow. You heard it. I know I was supposed to do Tuesday with, I think you said it right. Talking shit. And we will definitely And you get 15% off if you type in the name Rogan.

2:32:12 at the Improv, and I'm going to go All right. Love you, bitches.