Joe Rogan Experience #775 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Powerful Greg Fitzsimmons Yours is hanging in. But mine, I'm Irish. invented reginokine which is that blood spinning procedure that kobe bryant all these athletes go It's collagen. Hang in there, baby. That's one of them, yeah. a good like muscle to weight ratio i fucking struggled to do 15 i was shaking i was like And you know what? How long was I hooked on Vicodin?

4:09 Then you got friends. I was bad. you you don't realize until you stop for a few days and you go dark you go if you don't take it So you can't feel happiness until eventually those go away. right after I met you quit. Yeah, that's right. That's exactly right. And I was amazed that, a problem. I need to work Oh, yeah. Where is it? like, oh yeah, this guy's special. Jerry Lewis?

7:28 I remember when I was an open mic night guy, like I just started and Teddy did a set and I watched that. And he booked me and Teddy. And it was in kind of like a resort-y sort of vacation-y area. i'm stretching with material i don't have i'm doing your material at this point i got my hand And the guy, the club owner's like, all right. The guy's like, are you kidding?

9:48 Pills, man. He's Brian's partner. Great documentary guys. And he's got to kind of cover it up, and he's embarrassed, Yeah, he takes you out to his car and he shows you his car, he'd been sober for like 20 years. I think doctors get so used Right. Here, have some cheese and some pills. So they're urging doctors to try to do something about this because they're finally starting to realize.

13:36 I mean, it didn't stop me. And it's attached to a strip of your patella tendon. So you don't need the whole thing. But I remember I took it once and I felt so stupid. Like I was just like, duh. I think it was Vicodin or Percocet. But I remember I took it once, and I felt so stupid. This guy, Jeff, he would buy and sell pills. Probably didn't have had a pickup truck rusted out probably had a one of those el caminos right

15:50 Who the fuck was I back then? I was psyched to get that money too that works where you got a guy like the Koch brothers. surrounded by fucking killers. Mad Max. I think that they're going to skate. his grandson well yeah did you know that rockefeller made there was a conspiracy to get I think it definitely happened. There's a film about it. Oh, yeah.

19:17 Because hemp fiber is insanely powerful and unbelievably strong and really lightweight. I mean, if they could have seen a poster of fucking polar bears Yeah, these explorers were there. You think it was his child? the other day, which is really adorable. and there's the big daddy running behind it. That's the mom trying to head off the... They eat them.

21:42 She's scared, and she knows the baby's already dead. and get a truck to pull it out of the woods, All of them. She ate her own cub. Well, I don't think the male was the father. Well, all North American bears. Yeah, when you look at the territories that certain animals need, And he somehow, No shit. They don't have any predators other than man. Well, they killed over 100 of them in the last year. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, they have to do is when they invade neighborhoods, start killing dogs and threatening people, they have to kill them. Well, they killed over 100 of them the last year.

25:17 Yeah, of course. big enough to freak me the fuck out. But the mountain lion that I saw in Santa Monica, or Santa Barbara rather, looked like Yeah. now. Well, they're scary. I mean, if a a mountain lion, you'd be fucked. A. I think a mountain lion you'd be fucked. They have enormous wrists and forearms. And you put on. Furries. You know, there's holes in the costume and there's some furry sex going on.

28:10 is there's, That's hilarious. They don't drink anything. Whoa. off the last 10 years. It's so bizarre. I get made fun of because there's only two of us that do this. I mean, yeah, it's retarded, but no one's hurting them or no one's getting hurt. Yeah, I never had that. Yeah. miss my kids growing up right because i got really into bowling there's a dude who was a big showrunner here in la and i was friends with him and he got really into horses he bought horses and

31:29 reason you're not feeling connected you're just feeling like they're talking and you're pretending I mean, obviously the guy's dead, so there's no way we could ever really know what his It could be breakups. It was about what came before it. She was. Wow. It was when I was living in Jamaica Plain. When I was, I guess, like I said, I was 13, and there was a kid in my class that was 17.

34:34 bit older she was uh she was 16 and she was uh in the 13 year old class right and she asked the Not my uncle. He was the first guy that really kind of blew my mind. It was back when people didn't have beards, like a hipster beard. which means there's no end to it. I always knew space was big. Whatever question you sent out there can't come back because it's still going out there.

37:14 No, nothing like that. before me, and you know, you think about become part of it. Well, I think it's fractal. Black matter is this weird thing that they're trying to figure out to try to, from the way it's been explained to me by physicists, because I'm an idiot, and I ask them, I'm like, okay, try to explain this to me. Well, I don't know if the word God is serving us very well.

40:13 Yeah. Why do you need a bunch of people to convert and kneel next to you and all have the same beliefs? incorporate other people into their group that completely smacks of religion well you do that Can I see some medical studies? And he's just got sued for like millions of dollars for sexual harassment and rape. that order the 90 minutes of them are excellent he goes I 100 believe in the method of it but

43:17 the fuck? What the fuck is going on, got these cars that's his fucking explanation well you gotta understand kids they want to work can it's just so much easier to go into that mental you like you've really earned that found out is if you talk about something like on a podcast, and you say, hey, for the next 60 days, some place with a chocolate croissant I'm like fuck yeah

46:09 You can leave whatever you want. of three days a week. by the end of it i mean i'm fucking drenched and i have this huge like uh While you were at a stoplight? Plows into me with his Honda Civic. Oh, shit. Good as new. He wasn't paying attention. by shark works with this company in northern california yeah you told me about shit to it And most people don't know.

50:11 break through together it's like a team effort to get through it there's a lot of support in that because it's 100%. I'm not compressing any fucking organs. You're pushing your body. How would you describe the smell of a Bikram yoga room? Carpets, really? Yeah. It looked good. Hang low. I'm like, I don't even know you, man. There's something wrong with this guy.

53:26 It's like, what happened to you, dude? and he right in my face I got it. Like ties. Yeah, ties. They gotta stink. Yeah, okay. Yeah. as Alan's wife. Always. You're really specific. Don't fuck up the fantasy. You don't even have a job. going to company meetings, hundreds of people all getting together, Lake Sherwood is an area like out near Thousand Oaks.

57:29 The golf costs like some insane amount of money a year, like really stupid money. I might be wrong. Does it say how much, Jamie? Yeah, because think about it. But you drive past it, there's never anybody on the course. It's insane. How many millions are being used by golf courses just in Southern California? And golf courses were able to loophole their way into that. So they don't pay as much tax.

59:56 Imagine if you're a squirrel just hitting the edge. I know too many people that have had significant head problems from getting hit in the head. Constant ringing in their ear. A concussion can last a day. in a kickboxing fight and uh i was exhausted it was the third fight of the night i had fought twice It's like the nerve behind, like the nerves. Like I was fine that night.

1:02:36 Just from taking a punch or a kick. And you don't know, you don't know which day you're He'll get up and like drive a car, dance. Keep on going. stay down until you're clear, until you're out of there. There's something sickening, just absolutely sickening about the sound of an unconscious person's head bouncing off the concrete. other one was coming down,

1:04:22 Still not 100%. Not enough. Yeah. guy he was working with punched a guy the guy fell back hit his head off the curb and died yeah just fucking bar fight bouncer drunk guy punches the guy jail go to jail yeah jail manslaughter hold him wow yeah just it's no joke people think it's a joke you know it's like you Yeah. They love those loud like Harley things that people love they love those loud, right?

1:06:12 And you feel it in your chest for like a second. they don't make that much noise. But people really can't hear you. They don't make any noise. little, get a nice little hit. Oh, they're hard to get. It's, like, less than a lot of cars. What is that? It's not on your screen? I think a regular Mustang, just like a baseline Mustang, you can get for about $32,000.

1:09:26 look at that 32 grand for a Mustang GT like what is it 430 And the interior looks good. Right. Those are fun to fucking drive, man. Have they slowed down because you haven't pursued them? Yeah. They're good. or something like that. Squarespace is good. one of them was like an uber for babysitters i was like get the fuck out of here really crazy Yeah, I did.

1:12:12 When I found out about most of it was like 1% of the players But I feel like if you understand a lot about MMA, help him. I just feel like those guys Hmm. I had a feeling I said it to my friends too that were sitting right behind me Because Ronda charged after her like a maniac. and on top of that, She's not stupid. next couple rounds and uh looked like Holly was going to probably win a decision if she won the

1:14:55 I think if you picked them both and bet $100, you won something like $1,500 together. Tony, and my friend Frosty. doubling it down. Yeah, yeah. And you see them after it's grabbed their face Like what the fuck did we do They're probably on mushrooms, too. What the fuck? They could touch my back. I know. tomorrow night? I believe you did it last year, too.

1:17:36 Mike Gibbons. We'll talk later. I have a little Irish. We're going to have a party afterwards. Yeah. leave a good thing alone. which most restaurants don't. It's excellent. Have you done it? before Ari had that television show, he started that off in the improv lab, I think, I want Or people that have done too many drugs or whatever. like became bits yeah because he like got comfortable and ari did too as well got comfortable

1:20:17 from me. Did you? Yeah. room and the curtains are open lights are on chick is on her back legs up and this dude who's ripped to see me but i popped my head through the curtain so i look like a photographer from the 1930s He didn't pick up, but if he did, I would have been like, just you just see some nudity in a window well it's way more exciting for sure accidental nudity

1:22:55 Yes. Oh, how old was she at the time? And I thought, this is what my wife's tits are going to look like in 25 years. They're going to smell did I just walk into Fucking blue cross to the nth degree. as long as you live. Yeah, maybe you're one of those Warren Buffett type characters still out there hustling. Right. It makes a flight from exhausting and aggravating to relaxing.

1:25:52 ear chewed off by a moron. Yeah, that's true. Right. the fuck? And he was like, basically the bottom bottom line is if we get this account, we are set got on the flight. Panama. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. It's not like ACDC, which just smoothly transitioned. I can't drive! That's why they got rid of it. lightning rod in that thing. Hot Wheels car.

1:29:25 takes all the electricity off so that you just drive with the gas but it makes you like way I'm telling you that's right Fast, slow. Do you still miss being in that little tight-knit community? You don't love that. fucking great time. It would be awesome. That's the goal. That could be done. Yeah, yeah. all be fucking mechanics they'll all know how to fix rollss Royces. Yeah. Has anybody ever... Oh, you know who's done that?

1:32:03 Because he buys and flips houses. She was hammered, and she broke into his house. So he just pulled out his phone and started videotaping it? She was just so fucking smashed. Yeah. These are all edited videos. Is Snapchat when it goes up and then you watch it and it comes down? Yeah, I know. Just talking. He smokes a joint and starts talking. That was one of the ones where he explained his beef with John Caparulo.

1:35:08 Yeah? No, no. obviously my loyalty is with Joey. Yeah. And I look, you know, I look it up on IMAPS. it's not geographically yeah hmm how odd I've never had a problem with him. as much as i love it sometimes that that shit gets it gets a little schoolyardy not as much I hang out with my friends. Don't get distracted. hating on other people and very little time working on themselves.

1:39:46 because you were obsessed with Yeah. I don't love it with everybody, though. Yeah. I don't give a fuck, Joe Rogan. I don't want to give up any of the details of the bit, but he's got this bit where I'm just like the frenzy that he approaches this bit with on stage. So he introduces me and then I come up and he shakes my hand and he And then, you know, in the comedy story, each act brings up the next act.

1:41:46 I was with him in Vegas two weeks ago. And he's reaping the rewards. about stand-up. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's the way to do it, right? And so last night was Tuesday. There's also a nice balance between whatever, 15 minute spot at the comedy store that you do on the road. Right. We just needed to get on stage to get our stage legs. I guess it must be because musicians are notorious for their practice.

1:45:53 Yeah. like, Like, yeah, shouldn't we all be doing that, man? and they sit down and they're almost afraid that it won't come together. Right. I think everybody would benefit from ad living on stage and everybody would benefit from to make it out to that stage. read the paper for a little while or just muse, listen to sets that I did on stage and maybe I started a notebook about a month ago, and I just started writing longhand again. You know, read the paper for a little while,

1:47:38 It's kind of like just a running journal It's like you found it. And I think that's the same way with any kind of creative writing. Well, yeah, they're fucking flexible. And look at it again maybe a week later and go, well, now that I've experienced a couple things in life this week and looked at the world a little bit. mean anything. Well, they occasionally have guests, but yeah, for the most part.

1:50:15 bill doesn't even have a fucking guest yeah and he got he's got a couple ideas some shit he wants Throw some questions. Need more relax in this life. Well, I'll probably get high. He just broke his ankle. skiing is like don't get hurt don't get hurt don't't get hurt. Yeah. No, that's true. Here we go. Boom. That's be a bad one yeah i'm good at rolling though yeah. I know how to not fall too bad, so I was fine.

1:52:40 Yeah. Wow. Wow. He went out. Now you're moving around catch an edge you flip over like a fucking tree. Yeah. I mean, I get it. Jesus Christ. I'm like, eh, I should probably back off of that. You know what? You just kind of slide. hockey legend he was older by then you know long retired but he would uh come into the gym and he It's like the one thing he can do in the gym.

1:55:50 It's, like, this tiny amount of bend that he has in his legs. And by the way, that is, that's back in the olden days. They didn't know how to fix you Oh is it someone else's knee I mean, he was basically left with pegs that barely bent. It's the same swing. But, no, I think that football players are the worst. Like Michael Irvin. He looks great, talks great.

1:57:55 I see him at the matches. He must. he's so annoying why is he annoying Because you think he's sending the dick her way. worry about it. Do you think he's giving her the dick? You know? Do you really have a problem Regis and her. studio, and fucking go on the air. That's all He has a show. Like Regis Philbin's show. yeah but the car show is so much more him. He's so much better on it.

2:00:41 And he's fun. He's great. That's it. Especially pop country yeah some whack dude with some designer fucking cowboy hat on and boots that he's never worn before and they're all shiny and fake and his face doesn't change have work done. Get a pair of Timberlands. I got about And they were very upset that hip hop had taken over. You got to take that money where you get it.

2:03:00 Sounds like racism to me. You tell me the race. it's a wine that's the only right white people champagne All of the above. It's in the mix. French people. White assholes. I'll say it later. Oh, that's right. How is that possible? Not like champagne hangover, which is the worst hangover. Really? No hangover? No hangover. How's that possible? Hangovers are all about sugar.

2:06:09 And then once the alcohol is not there anymore, it's not processing alcohol anymore. It soothes you over that hump. But the way Carl Hart explains it It's amazing how many myths that people have about how hard things are to kick and what is instantly addictive. Well, did you ever see that movie with Russell Crowe, Inside Man? You know, that's what it is.

2:08:01 You know? But how much so? Of those chili mangoes that I have back there that are covered in sugar, like insane amounts of sugar. Like, for instance, I was working out with my trainer today, yeah it's this tiny little thing and they were they were calling it two servings yeah those My wife buys granola bars for the kids and they've got chocolate and all.

2:10:33 Yeah. Yeah. they were over farming Oh, yeah? of the carbon fibers in their body and how it all happened, how it all got started. Yeah. But alcohol is. That might be some jacked bullshit that the fucking oil industry tried to sell you. It doesn't rot. Well, it'd be probably better than some kinds of meats, but... They churn out iPhones like a motherfucker.

2:14:01 These guys, do they just, the Rockefeller Airs, and, you know, whether it's, you you know non-fossil energy or whatever just the concept of peace. What do they do to get PCBs out of the river? so it's better to bring it up. How crazy. Yeah, even in the city. Keep your mouth closed, stupid. And when someone would order a lobster, they would just go pull a trap out and grab one of the lobsters and cook it.

2:17:25 Oh, my God. Yeah. You got to have the bib. I mean, I wouldn't think to eat a coyote. Right. Scorpions, huh? Well, they must have added salt, right? Full amino acid profile. Drop it onto the ground. with the wives. I'm down. Let's do it. Alligator is good, yeah. Yeah. It's different than, I've got some in the back. Yeah. And so there's a restaurant called Carnivore right in the park.

2:21:00 Did you eat elephant? Screaming. What about Yogi? Stuff bears. This guy, Kevin Fitzgerald, he's a veterinarian. He goes, that's what they're like, right out of the womb. like fluffy creature it's like most people live in cities and most people comment on animals and I mean, there's a reason why deer perk up and they move their ears and their head side to side.

2:23:13 They're not chasing anything. He already had the squirrel, but I saw him take the rattlesnake before, never mind a fucking eating a My dog, Frank, he got bitten twice. And they bark, bark, bark, bark, and then chase after it and try to kill it. Yeah. But if they young rattlesnake young rattlesnakes are the most dangerous because they don't know any better they

2:25:43 I just killed it. If you can kill me Coyote's dead If I'm practicing archery in my yard And I see a coyote Yes I'm going to kill you in my yard. If you're in my yard, you're dead. Coyotes, dead. Without even thinking about it. This is like after, like, come here, buddy. And I take him in the back of the truck His face starts swelling. And he was like so excited to, you know, he liked to get in the car and go drive around.

2:27:52 You can't be shy about it. We're water bags. what would you call it? This is one guy that got bit. Wait, scroll down. This is the very website where it documents this guy. Well, that mesh is so that his skin grows in place, I was on that same trip to South Africa. And so we go down there you may want to the baboon's just gonna grab her. close to...

2:31:13 Both would be horrific. And their hands are just long arms and strong hands come right at you. Yeah, they took these dogs in and fed them, and they had these tribes of baboons, and They're smart as fuck, dude. In some sort of a weird way. and monkeys have entered the stone age in the wild yes in the wild they're actually evolving tape about What a name.

2:34:03 And Neanderthal was fucking way bigger and more powerful. They don't know if the brain was bigger to control the body because they don't have one to study. just divided them and fucked them all yeah and became they became us oh did they i don't know Yeah. Is that what they are? Yeah. It's the only thing that stopped me. Yeah. Go out with a fizzle. And then they'll Photoshop it on top of that.

2:36:54 Yeah. Allegedly. Fucking high-powered fans blowing her sag up. Any shots of her feet? She just doesn't. I bowled next to her recently. a bowling thing to raise money for them 30 too not like some 30s right you know i knew a girl when she was 19 and then i saw her again Yeah. It had all atrophied. She was a smoker. Might be the same person did the same thing to me

2:40:10 she just did that recently to me I gotta get the fuck out of here It's the Greg Fitzsimmons show on Howard 101. Comedy Works in Denver coming up on And then other dates, Comics in Connecticut, all at FitzDawg.com.