Joe Rogan Experience #7775 — End of the World (Live from the Comedy Store) Transcript

Transcript

0:00 What's up? Doug Stanhope. There you go. Joey Diaz is coming We're watching It's over When I was at, I thought, the worst day of my life until today. at the depths Hang on, I got a date right here. i don't want to put all this on you but i don't want to be the guy responsible for an abortion very succinctly writes back Immediately, Oh, really? Yeah.

3:56 that he's paid for. He draws the line. Yeah, and if you guys cared, actually having to watch the That's right. Yet planned for months. That girl just went, aw. I mean, it's not good. He's very articulate. He plays basketball on election day. Oh, and speaking of something completely different, The Machine, on Showtime, 11-11. I feel about nachos at the comedy store

7:24 We're fucking 50 years old. We're old dudes. Did you see the Jon Stewart thing? We're fucking 50 years old. And he's a liar because he changed his name. And he doesn't know why he won't embrace the Von Clownstick heritage. Dude, that means he was walking around talking to himself. I'm a fucking asshole. I'm fucking tweeting this thing out. No, say this.

9:15 Yes, Mr. Trump. I'm never going to open my mouth when Bill Burr speaks. From inside the White House, talking shit about how the government works so they won't do his bidding. Either way. Wisconsin is. This is our breaking news guy, Brett Erickson. And Gary Johnson is at 3.7% in Wayne County. Why? That map looks like somebody hit one of those avatar

12:03 I wanted Greg Fitzsimmons to see this. There won't be a stage. just going, yeah, you will. I don't want to trash him. encircled manhattan he goes i live here they could never get us a gig in new york And he walks up and he punches the window he goes get it Pig shirt alert. You can make it. We just both played a fucking Seahouse two weeks ago. That was connected to a strip club

15:16 You can get a mixed drink in Wyoming that's 30 minutes of me doing this. Nick's Comedy Stopped, it may or I missed all the good days. By the time I got there, We're trying to shout over your sport coat. This giant fish place down in the Cape. And you would just stand there and wait. going on in front of you but like you couldn't get past the fact that I have to do that in 10 minutes.

17:46 I was just in Dayton last week. Fuck you guys, okay? And I got in the car after Bob and Tom. Are there comedians, comedians in the house? rubber vagina hats? Hey, this is how this goes. They're watching. He's not here. Fitzsimmons bailed. I'll tell him. Hide the drugs. Chad Shank, Jeffrey's bought his kid. I don't think it's legal. It's all about the future.

21:22 Somebody please take a photo of this last supper. Yeah, what am I, crazy? Sorry for losing the liquor license, comedy store. That was about as comfortable as putting a condom on in an orgy But if the kid was in the fucking building. All of that happened, thank God, before the child came out. picture of Donald Trump, best picture of A lot of trust in that relationship.

23:56 To dogs, you have to be their best friend. They've called Ohio. This isn't a good barometer of America Dean Del Rey. It's not how you should ever run anything. fucking position. Congratulations, Bill. And he goes, yeah, a little bit i go you following the election and he goes yeah If you're all right with it, just like, when's the election? so how do you get

26:52 you definitely have so I go Why do we do it this way? That's fucking amazing. This is always what happens. Then you get, hey, man, you start getting near the fucking We shall see. Oh, God. Hashtag, I'm with her. Nothing. I voted for him. When was that? Bill's like, So does anybody, I know, You are, all right? Oh, dude, this is... Huh? Portland. I can buy toilet paper.

32:14 Fuck yeah, I don't give a shit Did you freak out? In the world There's no jail time on that I just don't do it. When I go to those things, and they go, hey, you want a little savey save card? I just got back from Antarctica. It makes life easier. of you and like your fucking passport and it's just like yeah go fuck yourself i'm not doing that And I'm on Facebook again. Why is that?

35:40 Haven't said that. I still need that that you don't really like to talk about, but you give them money? They were a group of people that were enjoying their lives Is this you guys, or is it us? The Sandals states are coming everybody before he takes off? more psychopathic than I am This show is going so much better than we had hoped. I'll bring the entire crowd to you.

38:56 It's like my favorite thing about you. Nine electoral votes go to Hillary Clinton. Bill Burr to come back and Chrysler to keep laughing. I don't give a fuck, camp. Get the fuck out. What's going on with Prop 64? He's right there. He's a fucking beautiful man. I keep saying 11, 11 Like, it's a block away When he gets on stage, like almost like a met each other i've never met him you remember i was right as i was gonna say huge fan he goes

42:58 So I'm trying to keep up. I've ever been. I'm wearing that leisure the fucking sticks. You both fucking do the valley shit. I show up and I was just reeking and I show up and I'm smelling so bad. God damn it, I love you, Doug Stanhope. And then he comes to my house, and my dogs are sniffing at my door. After I got done with Burr, I went to his house and I was a new drunk now.

45:38 That's why I called it man caves. I don't know. You know, like no matter what the topic is Holy shit, is he going to win Pennsylvania? We can turn this bitch around. I'm not being a douche on my phone. I'm just seeing what Not Dan. Even if the thing's bullshit. I won money on Bush. That's the only time I didn't vote. And I But not by and it's the worst tragedy in American history.

48:53 that it doesn't recognize that discrepancy. I understand what you're Exactly. Oh, shit. I don't know if that's true. Red with embarrassment for your political views. The county of Milwaukee. Live on a lake. It's not there. It's just one. This is what. It's so long ago, Bill. get into that hamster energy, Bill, listen to me for a second. We got 190.

52:20 Here come the Bergenstocks. potato skins. We still work there. That fucking bed. Wrong. Wrong. No, it was in half. The bed was fucking broken The gig was great yeah, I just did I didn't know you could say They were afraid of lawsuits because they know that the whores... They're just people. And I go, you guys think I'm kidding about how bad this is?

55:21 No, Becker. Rogan remember in the 90s We all wore those. No underwear. Shooting. We used to, in Tampa, we'd wear pussy. Here we go. And they just grind just be like, just try to take my pants off with your pussy. Here we go. Imagine if there was clubs. It was, oh, I should not say this. Bring him up. I won't name their name, It's like, I don't know if they got naked, but they have those weird thongs.

59:29 And he had elephant underwear where there was like the ears of the elephant, the trunk was his dick. And you look much better than you normally do and he had fucking rubber band around his cock and balls, I called him paper route. Applause break. We used to send emails back and forth. I wrote a blog and I was mocking something that someone did that was ridiculous.

1:02:06 components of it. a free password to his site and cutting their ears and splitting their tongues and doing all this freaky shit. And this guy ties rubber bands around his dick until there's no circulation in his dick and balls. your dick doesn't get hard where you go, hey, I know I'm a big fan You promote my comedy. that. Thank you. Thank you very much. You know.

1:04:20 I don't mind if you call. You're wearing flip-flops. Relax, bitch. Sorry. And he's passed, right? Does anybody know him? Decided to turn his dick into one of those ballpark Franks he had left on the hot dog He'd just hang himself in trees with fucking giant hooks from his tits. Yeah, he used to throw shit at people. Hey, do you ever feel like there's shit you shouldn't?

1:06:27 taking a where you don't fucking the friends were on Okay, so the big thing right now, what's going on is Pennsylvania. But wait a minute can form together. announcing this. No, we don't. The wall's already built. Here it comes. Ladies and gentlemen, Holy shit! Hold on We're finally adults. Can you look that up? Yeah. Yeah. And then I feel like I'm losing it because I drank too much.

1:10:36 it should be that men can't talk in pornos. Hand down. Okay, you'd watch a porno and they'd show that back shot, especially if you were in a hotel room. It was just rubbing. Michigan is 47.9 to 47.0. That's fucking Ted Nugent land, of course, man. Now she's only... they picked Brendan Walsh. There you go. down at the store They're all stoned and watching it right now

1:14:02 The best gateway drug for Instead of using condoms The joint fell Oh, how dare you I got it Like a solid five seconds after. What happened? What? Who? I got it. This is cold. Yeah, that's it, Bill. All right. Brendan Walsh. so they got the craziest fucking monster to run against her, Yeah. to keep this guy from winning. there's no way this guy can win.

1:17:44 What is it about that? Calling talk about a pussy in a bad way, like, it's a pussy. What is it about I do. I understand it. Are you trying to May surprise you We're going to have a gold-plated White House That's like when a team has, like, nine turnovers, We're good. This thing's going down right now. Joint drops on the main room stage. I'm going to blend in.

1:20:15 Oh, Jesus. They're deciding our fate. Seriously? You wasted so much weed I'm gonna hang back here man I'm tired Hey Oh shit This this just in I know, I'm just, I'm making up bullshit. Oh. I hyped myself up. All right. No, it's two and a half more hours. Are we doing this like What's that? Because he's wearing the darker suit. Have you ever found yourself having that guilty moment where you go,

1:24:15 You need 270 to win. Remember when we thought this was going to be a joke? Alaska might decide it. That's gotta be a red state Trump won Florida I like Miami. That's why I can't listen to your podcast because I copy. Sorry. Yeah, that was Nacogdoches, Texas. Dude, Hillary should have ran. Oh, no, no. Listen, the guy pulled me out of a bad spot today, and I was a dick.

1:27:31 I'm on autopilot with the fakest smile you'll ever see. Now, back to the show. Remember that, too? It's the same hotel man. It cooks her brains. I tried to take a shit in a hot tub in Florida. Remember that, too? Wait, Brendan Walsh pissed the bed. Tell that story. That's what's up. I'm happy you're a pioneer. You're a pioneer in Fanny pack. but when the EMTs

1:29:55 fractured her skull. Oh, man. I'm just fucking busting balls. So I don't really think it's going to end up like it is now. The sisters, bingo sister, bongo and bango, I call them. It's not working. So the sisters, clean cut, all American sisters, go to the ER. So the And I, holy shit. Anyone called yet? That's updated. I don't know. Whoa. Hang on, hang on.

1:34:28 Holy shit. Have you guys been to Canada? as dumb. God bless them. Rogan was showing, no, we faked the moon landing. We talked a little bit later in years, that why that was They took a picture of it. I went safe. So, yeah. The trainer came out and they had to take him out for a play. fucking hurt. Then all of a sudden he lines up for a 50-yard at a night of push. How close are we now,

1:38:08 I know. Your face is lit up like you're telling a ghost story. We were at the comedy store. It's allegedly Woo! That's a lot of red on that map. Hey, is anyone in the chute? At your best, you're a really cool guy. this fucking election stuff what a man does on his own time The second they said cut so I looked What is he eating? people died first. An average dude weighed

1:41:40 By the way, dude, the elk's been delicious. Out of respect for that fucking elk that you shot. Somebody little rascal's hat and just fucking chill out you don't understand i love him to death Joe, you're crushing that. You shouldn't, dude. You're killing it. What do we do now, folks? When Patrice It was so close. She said to him, she goes, you got so many spaces between your teeth.

1:45:00 hilarious and he's just like man i heard that a thousand times and when she ran out of the shit dude some of the biggest that Biggie video Go ahead. I'm going to opt out of this voting process. down the toilet. What's up? Fuck yeah. would come into town. You all right? It's like... What are you scared about most? Then you don't have to discriminate.

1:47:29 Let them be taught. Dude, this is coming down to the fucking wire. He's fucking... This is great commentating, Bill. Too early to call. What the fuck? is such a fucking loose cannon, but once everybody leaves the fucking Die hard. Adderall. New Hampshire is still Count their votes Vermont, all those Be gentle, be gentle. Dean Del Rey, worse Gearhead.

1:51:00 What old guy do I meet? I don't know what the code is. the thing that supports the iPad. Kevin Durant to Golden State. That represents 71 different... You hold it like a man. I'm not getting involved. Trump won. I got you. Let's get four more guys on a Caltrans. I'm in. Do people feel invested in this? That's true. McDonald's, Burger King. Like, you know, as much as people think I'm a misogynist I agree with 90 percent of the shit feminists say until

1:55:21 Why couldn't you get 11 p.m.? I asked him, I said, why don't we go do 11, 11, 11? I got 238. Who's the 209? MILF porn is going to take off. of having to take calls and all of that shit. I think Bill's going to play it straight up The guy's the furthest from a gentleman. I love it. I love Hillary I got a nice humidor for some of the Cubans that Kennedy bought right before the embargo.

1:57:55 How high are you right now? always want to take credit At the same time. This is the greatest podcast ever. Projected. It's 238-209-TRUMP. 244 that I was always for you, Donald. People are going to move to Canada and Mexico, but he's about to nuke there, so that shit's over. He's going to be the first guy ever. He'll be too busy tweeting at fucking Jon Stewart.

2:00:43 Yeah. Foreign policies. ahead 48.2% A lot of Catholics in Pennsylvania. not so united after all redder than his face right now. pot to Wyoming and become there with my fucking gay porn and people them. This is a good point. You're booing me? We're going to do it in the spring. into 50 different countries? But you'd all be vulnerable Oh, yeah. If we had a war

2:04:37 I got a great herpes story with Rogan, but... On your mouth This is before I've just, like... So if you're fucking, it's like one out of two. Sorry, Joe. I don't know what happened, but I was a little baby when I realized it. and banging hookers, I woke up one day, I had cold sores. Meanwhile, Doug Stanhope, this is not good The Battle of America. 92% of the vote is in, and they just did like four other states,

2:08:35 Hillary Clinton. and right now Bill, I know a lot of stuff. It's still 238-209. Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin. You know, Tony, I loved you until that moment. Dude, I've had like nine of these things. I'm staying down the street. I've been there. I want a taco. Oh. I need a heater. Fuck it. The best part of the podcast is at the very end, we've done a three done like a three hour podcast totally sober and bill goes i could use a heater and cigar goes what and he goes

2:12:33 Sorry about the band house. he's got a filter for love. Every now and then we gotta go, Eleanor, I love the fuck out of you. of Eleanor, I love the fuck out of you. I love that dude. It's like 1.742 million He's going to like to meditate. You want us to get you some food? How are you? First lady. what float is did you immediately recognize it did you no that's what i'm saying this dude has

2:15:41 You're the fucking wife. Fuck it. Are you saying that the wife of the president of the United States doesn't matter? So if you marry some dude It's not ridiculous at all. It's not ridiculous. It's not ridiculous at all. What it has to do with is actually doing do. Well, that's because you're not trained. I'm not saying you did. Right fucking there.

2:18:33 It's such fucking bullshit. Do you think... who fucked up New York City just because he had a billion dollars? He was never in office. Do you think that... Yeah, that fucking dope who fucked up New York City So there you go. fuck it, I'm not then being the fucking guy here, I didn't say that. You said that someone with no experience And I don't understand what your point is.

2:20:32 That's what I thought you said. I'm almost positive I just reacted to what you said. So we can rewind it, but if you didn't, you inferred. I don't think so. I'm almost positive I just reacted to what you said. What's your Twitter handle, sir? We're not. that doesn't mean that I want to live in something that you just fucking built. Oh, whoa, whoa. Mocking you, apparently.

2:22:12 No, this is where a paid regular trash is an open mic-er. Bloomberg. why do we have democracy? there's a hundred people that we have. so settle the fuck down. and that idiots can vote. paying attention to what the fuck I'm doing. we're not going anywhere Sarah What were the odds on that? We're still waiting for Pennsylvania. She has to get Wisconsin and Michigan. If she gets the mustard-colored states.

2:25:27 Little children that got older back when they used to ride horses. Everybody looks at this whole fucking thing like there's a long history of the United States. Amendment No. 2, medical marijuana has passed. The problem with that is if people get high Tony. They just said lols. You never know. We talked about this early ladies and gentlemen. that we're

2:28:12 We're not going to give this to a fucking charity I say we give it to the shirtless guy. If we found one dude... Yeah. Yeah, there you go. What? You know what I mean? So you think there should be limitations on how easy it is to kill things? I was at home and I was listening to that on Netflix and I go... and I fucking love it. Huge. It makes me better.

2:31:08 Yeah. American fight he had lesbians going to a, it's a, I'm one of these fucking assholes that keep saying I don't understand. What do you think Hillary and Trump are doing right now? He's jerking off to relax producer works on movies that ain't going think positively doesn't make me a sellout. Yes. What happens? I said just because I think positively doesn't make me a sellout.

2:33:34 Is this a real conversation? He's never given an answer. I'm going to be in the DMT and I still blame him for ruining my life. I don't even remember Brendan Walsh leaving. The fucking screen won't No, thank you. And they made these conservative farmers feel like they didn't have a voice. all right, cool, we just won't say the N-word, So your friends were upset that they couldn't be racist or sexist,

2:36:21 I wish I knew who the fuck John King was. He's got the shit going on. He'll show So if we talk over each other He's a smart guy He's a goddamn barbarian. There's fucking packs of coyotes eating through people at the mall. In tears. Go rake your fucking leaves in your front yard. No, it's people who have Obamacare. Oh, my God. What know what I mean? You didn't win an election. You're going to start fucking crying. Go rake your fucking leaves in your front yard.

2:38:38 Bert Kreischer is the Apollo clown right now. You're going to be fine. to think that. You pull yourself up by your own fucking bootstraps. We all do. that's your best bet. is fucking impossible. And that is only awarded to people that are suppressed. Donald Trump. can be president of the United States, right? Yes, of course. Lay on the ground to give a shit.

2:41:55 Watch the Oscars, right? It's getting too deep. you didn't know it's like it's gone in a minute. more gum. 2020 what? Hey, iPhone guy, what do you got? I still got 238, life great. This is insane. Expected. No, but in a little... I called it today. What do they ask it for? I'm sure. It's the exact opposite. That was it. Just like when I go to the airport.

2:46:36 Who like over explained how to vote. And I was like, oh, we're not going the way my line is. Wait a minute, what do you mean nos? Is that wrong? And then it was presented by the builders. Me too. I feel great. What'd you vote? Why would you do that? I get it. try to be, like, fucking, like, pick up chicks. She wants to get hit on. Like, guys don't want to go out anymore.

2:50:00 How could they possibly know if millennials are having more sex than their parents? Here's the other question. I voted I'm not saying they need to meet me. You stop influencing my decision. Still too close to call people in worse places I'm trying. You have sex with someone and after it's done you go, Absolutely. See, I have a theory. Tony Hinchcliffe, I got a theory. I think a person

2:53:11 That's not true. I don't know. I mean No, I don't hate you. and fucking... in the history crazy bitches across the globe there is a classy lady that's all that is what? That's so true. We gotta keep that door shut. and a false imagery don't you think that's what porn is Let's get off of it. Come on, sit down. Doug, what are you doing? I enjoy the discussion with Sarah,

2:56:46 We live in a democracy. Some people want great we live in a democracy some people want to be illegal because I have to go next door We're not done, folks. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the ambassador of Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin are still too close to call. You shoo her. Doug, you want to hear? We don't have fucking teams over there.

2:59:30 let me tell you something. Now we do, And then Steve Bartman goes to catch that Huh? all that extra fucking pussy afterwards. Yeah. He liked cars and he was into women. It doesn't The front seat folded up and he could fucking wave to people or whatever the fuck it is he did. If you're just tuning in, There's a German sushi spot that has Hitler Carpaccio.

3:02:16 I should leave right fucking now. Still, for whatever fucking reason, too close to call. He doesn't listen to me. Solidarity. It's a Trump reference. Oh, no, I was going to say. Do you think Charles and Charles. He fucked some of the hottest ass out here. I'm not saying I agree with all of his politics, but come on. That is a cocktail. Because you think it's fucking,

3:05:23 Piston socks on, huh? I have a lot of... I love everything about Morgan Murphy. Wow. Tony, you look like you had AIDS 14 years ago. In the bum. I wear my Sam socks. Nevermind. who coincidentally is deciding the election All right, beautiful. Take it off. Trump is leading handily in Wisconsin, even though it's too close to call. Bill. Because they have all their ducks in a row.

3:09:47 I really need some fucking gum with it that'd be great It's the Adderall is the problem. It's one of the most important elections. How about this crowd that's saying the whole goddamn time? We're going to do this. Oh, it's happening. No, no. I just thought everyone was going to vote for Hillary This is fucking terrifying. the waitress the podcast Just grab him by the pussy.

3:13:12 I don't get it. I don't know. I feel like there's Yeah, please do. You know, I have to be honest with you. You're putting those words in my mouth. with licking his tit Morgan, you better make a good point, How can you just blow off all of those? It is. and you think everybody who doesn't live near an ocean is a dope. Absolutely. anti-everything. 100%.

3:16:42 all right then. all the women that came out in an official office. an entire ethnicity Why do you need a leader? The misogynist, the racist. paid off these bitches that come forward and I love you, Just gotta cool it off every once in a while. Why are we talking about Bill Clinton? Yeah understand why we're talking about Bill Clinton. Just got to cool it off every once in a while.

3:19:06 And they rigged the fuck out of it. Tell him, Sam. The fucking WikiLeaks wouldn't have destroyed him. Is that what just happened right here? One question. you hate my questions Yeah, okay, let's say... You don't say it out loud, but you know in your heart, like, feed that thing at home. But you do hate them. I wish... size. He's This is not a podcast until Nia starts yelling at him.

3:22:53 That looks like Liberace's brother. They said, oh, if New Hampshire gets this, New Hampshire gets this, I think at this point I feel like we've got to start taking questions What's a condom? like the bay of pigs. I respect that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost 1030 here. He looks like he's working with some kind of underground company. The crowd's drunker than us.

3:25:23 Morgan, can I drink with you later? Let's go back to us. to represent the people I just got here. No, no, no. You know? of Pennsylvania deciding the fucking But they're surrounded by a bunch of people that are just fucking hanging out. I love you. You call it prison. A friend of mine just sent me a text that says, Plus, stop the chemtrails. And then take a nice, slow fucking left turn.

3:29:06 They just plowed that shit over. Yeah, Earl's uncle. It's over. This is the craziest. calls you and makes your You reassess your whole existence and try to figure out why the fuck are you here? ladies and gentlemen. It provides We all like the pile of the walking dead. Yeah, man. How many does it take to win? They shouldn't have been there. Alaska, he got Alaska.

3:32:08 He needs 270. Hey, who won the hockey game? Hang on. I don't know if this is still... The Leafs lost 7-0. Everything's going to be fine. Hey, you guys got to stop that song. It's really interesting. Bert Kreischer, how dare you? It's never happened before. they really have purely altruistic Did you do the take care of your waitstaff thing yet? Holy shit.

3:36:00 350 people here that paid money. Grab her by the pussy. Trump took Arizona, ladies and gentlemen. Nobody's embarrassed to say anything. They need to go on the road and start telling jokes, and they'll meet other people. I get those phone calls. you're like, hey, have you ever said the N word? You know... It's midnight. Trump is the president? It's the end

3:39:08 I smell more like skunk than your weed. Is that Carlito? Tripoli had a great line. We're going to be okay. Does anybody feel bad if Trump wins You have no idea What's up, buddy? We did this with the Mayan calendar. It's okay, folks. And then the fucking dude I disagree. The dude was calling him out. Unless that guy's a piece of shit. Look, I'm just saying the guy's fucking leg fell off,

3:43:33 I've never seen drunk Rogan. Hey, they're dropping the checks. Sir? 48.2 A reality TV show star is now the leader of one of the most powerful countries in the free world. Dude, he kind of kicked her ass. It's pretty fucking weird. because Trump won. I think Donald Trump just nominated Judge Judy as the Supreme Court. and he's got my favorite joke about a woman being president.

3:46:21 Whatever this is. It's sad. No, no, no. But I kind of wanted her to win. it is indeed unraveling. Maybe the next, maybe the first female president comes from a Real Housewives show. He came through. Five and a half grams of silent darkness. Very salty. Something's happening here. Trump winning is worse than the worst heckler. Not because he's a good president, but we have to revamp this fucking goofy system.

3:49:50 I want to put that fucking rebel flag back on. He was still fat, but he tucked it in. He rarely got laid. Oh, why did he go homo? If he just sucked Charles Bronson's dick. Remember that car? You start talking about cars that go fast on a straight line and can't take a turn without sending it into the forest. Blacktop hit the guy. I've seen fire Let's talk all this stuff.

3:52:06 Oh, what are you doing? My running mate, 2020, Did Joan Hansen win Ward 2 and Bisbee for City Council? Are we shell-shocked? This is better, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, we're all in this shit together.