Joe Rogan Experience #778 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Buy yourself in a house. There we go. Yeah. they put a Nothing. Just don't rub it. Whatever. I wanted to win so bad. Should have made his... If we think about like what the Romans did And then became a philosopher? Yes. It's bizarre that that was really commonplace amongst very respected intellectuals at one Yeah about human beings about the consequences of sexual abuse like all those things like I don't think they

4:30 He wrote it on a check, like to his fucking dog. They thought it was an Islamic name. What happens? got i think he's got um that makes him get more sympathy for sure would it scroll up when you You can't write that. which placed a note on Francis' account asking him to explain what Dash means. I mean, what are we going to... So dash is a word. I mean, you think...

7:11 Why are you contacting me? dash is a great dog you ever lose it on a customer service person like that? Just fucking go nuts. I know it's never their fault. And if you know how 18th he only had it drops calls we drop left and right remember cuz everybody got on there And he had to talk me through it and figure out how to get it back to the way it used to be and update things.

9:04 I mean, I'm not like a computer wizard, I have a backup. call up you're like have you ever even seen if you have a phone is there are they or are you just How do you get the thing to send? What the fuck are you... I don't know what I said! They get mad. Sometimes like Hey Siri will activate and then it'll transcribe a whole list of shit Not while I'm at work.

11:55 Oh, a lot of guys, lawyers, would come in and take their yarmulke off as soon as I got in because I wanted to blend in. That's a better move than explaining it. Hey, Hebrew fella. I don't know what floor that's on. Ooh. They want you to stop killing animals. Yeah. Like, very fun to talk to. You're peacocking your virtue. There's new AA people like that.

14:01 I just feel so clear now. Bread? I'm like, shut up, scientist. No, I don't eat it anymore. Dr. Hogley Wogley's It was amazing try, what is it? That was 23 bucks. It's not expensive. It wasn't even that combo. It's hard not to get a brisket. You've got to go brisket and figure out what else you want. That was 23 bucks. You should not even tell everybody about it.

16:14 It's supposed to be insane. That's hilarious. And they said, everybody, come on in off the street. Get worth it. Wow, because it was raining. Because it was raining. That's hilarious. Fucking chair salesmen. This chair. There's another place in Austin that Aubrey swears by, too. It got on Anthony Bourdain's show. and they're like, we sold out Jesus Christ.

17:58 Yeah. They literally have an overabundance of buyers. Yeah. Yeah, they did that to us in this place that we went to. Metzger had the last brisket, and we all had to fucking suck up on some goddamn turkey folks yeah yeah it's like sorry we should have gotten there earlier what i was getting to earlier that taking place with a white girl I thought maybe it was some Persian guy who was like, no, you arrest her.

20:43 That is crazy. And imagine life back when most people died at like 24. Somebody could have touched her. She might not be that bright. I mean, if there's ever been a slam dunk case, if I was an ambulance chaser or one of those I sort of get it on that level. You're just not. dude. Whose fault? The teacher or the cop? is the culprit. First of all, type character.

23:26 I was like, I don't know. I got it. He's like, like what do you mean you don't have any money you don't get things how'd you get this I think I was 12, like 11 or 12 maybe, somewhere that age. But I remember the guy grabbing me on my shoulder. He like unslick about it you know like really unslick I can't believe I did it. And then you find out, oh, it's not.

25:07 Yeah. Right, go into the dressing room. those plastic things that like it looks like a stapler oh yeah clip onto your shirt that if you oh i'm an adult now if i get caught shoplifting now i'm i'm just gonna go to jail there's no like Dude, that's fucking 12 years old. Yeah, but. Whoa, you shouldn't say this on the air. You have money. Yeah. $150. And he was like, I forget how much it was. Let's say it was like 20 yuan. Right. and I was like, yeah, how much? And he was like, I forget how much it was.

28:54 I've been here for two weeks already. That's legit. You just take your own price. Really? Oh, for sure. I'm saying what they say big corporations, I don't do it from the kiosks, although I would do it from the kiosks. If I got caught, yeah. One time I had a koosh ball at Chesapeake Knife and Tool, and I was tossing it around while I was looking at little metal games.

30:46 You should go back. What kind of candy bar? 10,000 grand. Hershey's chocolate. Or Skippy. It's like, no, I decide how much jelly and how much peanut butter goes on it. We had in the back of Eric and Sam's place. and smush it. Let me show you. and he goes, I love slapping shit out of people's hands. Oh, with a fucking pretzel. Here's $700. me step on this you're leaving me no choice why are comics so mean to each other yeah we're so

34:12 and said something like, It's not real. It's not a slice of pizza that you just easily replace. Yeah, that ended a year ago. Yeah. A year? I don't know, man. I don't know. They say that a human bite is super dangerous. It'll do shit to you? And now they, or it might be the other way around, that they used to think that it was just bacteria in their mouth that killed their prey.

37:36 the old belief so humans are worse than komodo dragons yeah we're well there if you'll probably Komodo Island. But I mean one place where they exist in the wild. And apparently that shit's all toxic. them they are the creepest of the creeps it's like a fucking english bulldog they're so disgusting Oh, claws. Well, what they do is they ran up to there's a video of

39:27 Okay, they're pretty big. Young. your shoes off so that you don't step in their habitat with you know what might possibly be on Really? Jesus. This is National Geographic, too. More research should be done. Because if that's the biggest lizard, Oh, maybe. They're huge. Oh, that's not... So it's the largest species of lizard. So what Remember that? Okay. So it's the largest species of lizard.

42:33 Okay. Right. Like one of those crazy goth chicks like snakes. Look at the eyeballs in that thing. you and they had to like act like. He was great. No. But he also aged unnaturally for a thousand years. How dare you on all accounts? You thought The Lord of the Rings was not as good as The Hobbit? such dog shit. How dare you? The Lord of the Rings is amazing. How dare you on all accounts?

44:40 But Lord of the Rings was three, and those were all great. We need you in this battle. They didn't freak you out? And then at the next point, this fucking little hobbit with no training can get them. And I'm like, You got orcs with bows and arrows. It can be done in a way that would make you think that although there's magic in this world that they live in,

46:19 yeah it doesn't make any sense and you can't just constantly almost die and keep going. I don't believe you're in danger. who did the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit? Yeah. Yeah, then this is gonna happen. It's just a bunch of shit that I have zero connection to. Saying it's not showing it. there's all sorts of different elements at play yeah you've got

48:31 It's like, eh, make it a month. Dude, I love her, man. in love at all. He's like, you all he's like you're a robot you're a life and that he really has a real connection with her she really is intelligent i mean yeah gonna get him she's hot as fuck yeah she's hot as fuck he's a super dork who's never around women She seemed like a fucking robot, man.

51:18 had yeah and then the more they showed her the more you realize either she's a spy trying to It's just a flashlight. There's so many elements of it that took you by surprise. That they wanted out. They don't have warmth. They're going to want to go see. Can I just get out? You gave me a 50-year-old boy. The new one that was just in the Oscars this past year.

53:17 It's not just one of the worst movies ever made. Great way to describe it. Sunset, maybe. Well, I was looking and you could pay and It's like a couple It's a lot. He's got a few of them. he had to make out with chicks some people yeah he had to make out with chicks and this and the like just to go what in the fuck if you have money you can just make

55:48 But you know what that problem is? How about you suck my dick? well, he voted for making slavery Yeah, right. Despite like all the criticisms that you could have that are all valid about the wall and Right. But if you compare the amount of time the pundits talk about Hillary Clinton versus He made $7 billion. If. And he's winning like he would win Celebrity Apprentice if he was one of the guests.

59:12 It's what all these celebrities did. change your vote yeah especially when he's trying to change your vote they don't just happen to ask NBC or while he was on it? I think it was I know I go, but she seems like she's saying she's smart because she's saying what she needs to get elected She won't show the transcripts. I mean, think about what it is.

1:01:13 not going to get out because they must be in favor, So they go, here's this Boston Red Sox hat, it costs $400, Dude, I work the door at the comedy store. You know, it's tricky, dude. Well, everybody knew the speeches were taking place. He's like, I'll give them to you. And that was fucking glossed over in the news. Because that's slippery. That could be super bad because that's an important campaign point when it comes the thing is if she waits long enough

1:04:14 like a wall street type guy yeah but it doesn't matter if anyone's on the fence if there's an on Right. Good point. He's like, you got to pay this guy. And Donald Trump's known that He represents this character, this guy who talks about how big his dick is. White dudes across the world fucking threw their beer up in the air, jumped out of the couch.

1:07:02 can actually do yeah let's show what little effect he actually has. Here's the real shit. and that's a bad idea. Who's Megyn Kelly? her being second rate. She asked him News. Like, you could say about her that she's really hot. But I'm telling you, man. to use it now when i am up he's like there was a bunch of these things where he was tweeting at her

1:09:23 Like if I had a judge who knew me yeah, you know'd be like uh you have to recuse this judge because i nonsense and why why are you correcting America on what color Santa Claus is? most important points of that job is that you have to be able to appreciate the fact that there's Let's see if we could pull up the video where she says Santa's white. And by the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white.

1:12:05 She's like, she's in on the lie to little kids. Their mouth is wide open. Santa Claus is away. She says ridiculous shit, but he makes it out that, I don't know, man. You just said that. on his podcast to talk And just film it? You'd have to see their faces. It's a ridiculous way to get to know those people. Just don't respond to it. Cut it out. and she took 250 grand from them.

1:15:30 Oh, shit. You know they bring lasers They hired the Stone Temple Pilots for Dana White's 40th birthday. He was going nutty backstage. Nutty, like crazy demands. We don't start in five minutes we're fucking out of here like he's whole deal that motherfucker went hard they were good dude they were really good i was super impressed What's going on, man?

1:17:58 Yeah. Yeah. Same thing. What are you talking about? Yeah, because the other guy died. interesting oh but then when he sings that song down in the hole you're like oh man you do pilates You ain't gonna fuck this up. where it's like Can't be the best for mobility yeah, and she just has a slight Asian accent. Just slight. Yeah. Baby, we want to have a potty.

1:21:06 then it's like at this point, You don't have to illegally download anymore. Yeah. They don't pay very much. The most played song? 500. than purchases. Right, it's not all negative, Let's just say that's true. If all the top musicians, keep it diverse. a place to go You have to have a payment to take care of the service itself. Because if I played one Joe Rogan song, he's going to get a little piece of that too.

1:24:54 Oh, really? If you buy a ticket to their show, But I'm going to get the album anyway. It's definitely not how it works, though. would those pay on youtube gets money because there's ads next ads so they're getting money of that $7. Do they do stuff like that with these kind of companies and they sell them So like Spotify or Apple Music could pay Drake for his new album to come out exclusively on apple music okay and that's the

1:27:12 We already have an Xbox. Some people different phones like every couple of months and write stories about this guy, Lewis. Unbox Therapy And he said he doesn't, even though he uses like Mac computers, he doesn't use iTunes because iTunes is specific to one platform and that's annoying. Yeah. but it doesn't mean it's the only one. No, not in podcasting.

1:28:55 It seems like if they take 30%, it's probably similar to how Spotify is talking about. I've had podcast apps that I did. And they get rid of the ads. And they'd get rid of the ads. And he was like, but he put the apple play one you click on it you're like but now i have to pay for apple Yeah. I think it's super hard to get people to pay for shit. You know,

1:30:45 Like, Oh, maybe I'll get one. but it wouldn't be But to open up your e-wallet Yeah, for $1, Well, a lot of times Oh, really? the fuck android calls it what do they call it i don't know whatever but they've been doing that You can get a wristband for your kids. It's the technology, and I've heard it's going to bleed into some other places, too. and he couldn't figure out how to shut it off.

1:33:01 I'm like, I don't want my fucking, Because Ari Shaffir has a flip phone. I don't know. It's not just a- It's not like nobody said, well, what if somebody loses it? They gave you the wrong key? That's happened to me before. Well, I don't know if it's necessarily beneficial. Now, there are some shows you can watch on there, Because that's like a service.

1:35:19 They probably will eventually. Yeah. And then other people start going, well, why can't we just do that? Let's make House of Cards. Whatever they want. Megyn Kelly. and whatever the fuck I'll be in Tempe, Arizona I recorded that there in 2005. Because I said that I think what happened after he got elected a second time, they were it was like four years passed and they all look and they go,

1:37:55 Like what would it be like if there really was this cabal of evil billionaires that's trying to control the mindset and program the entire country. everybody freaks out. find out how stupid America was was to put a really dumb guy in as president Man, they've made too many comparisons to presidential candidates to Hitler that it's It's going to work every time.

1:39:35 On steroids. so it seems like we're original. Yeah. I think. It's too much. would just say their opinions, what they thought, and that's what the newspaper would print, and that'd be the Oh, yeah, no microphones. and his ratings went up like 10 points yeah overnight and we're like wait a minute this Yes. And she's like, oh. Okay? Yeah. We redistribute.

1:42:32 But people that actually understand it, they're like, the problem is it just makes government bigger. Somebody on my message board brought this up, Okay, fine, maybe. to maintain healthy populations. There's no profit in that. It's a great documentary called Inside Job. And it's all about the Wall Street collapse. And this So they set these rules like, well, we've just checked with the, you know,

1:45:04 Hey, we'd love you to prove this. And here's some cash. I for profit, everything gets squirrely. So Clinton can say all day. Hey, we'd love you to prove this. Bernie as a guy who's like, let's just get more money. Well, it's tricky, man. And he's a former CIA operative. He's like, she had an email server in her bathroom not only that but the guy who set up that email server just got immunity from federal prosecution wow so she's already in this

1:46:56 And when this is all they have, I mean, there's no one else. shutting the fuck up because they think they have to this is the last gasps of a dying system this because I couldn't afford Why do you have a job? Yeah. They both been in the military. What? it's like i don't know obama he just won't talk about he's done some great shit but he just won't

1:49:19 Well, there's more drones now. They also used to shoot at metadata. british were smart when they colonized uh africa um they put uh east indian people indians from British soil from Luckily, they wear coats. Look at those oval heads. Yeah, am I saying his first name wrong? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the Mongols conquered Russia for like 200 years. That's funny.

1:52:14 Nate Diaz and Conor McGregor? But also, I think he was really healthy at 170, and I think he liked that. yes but not really all it is is they're not cutting weight it's too but he's not fighting There was a fallout. He hadn't done anything. He's just living his life, right? These are legitimate 170s and Rory being one of the best one said yes It's only 11 days out.

1:54:43 What would they fight at? I mean, if he cut anything, it's probably a couple pounds, which is not something you just don't eat. now that Floyd Mayweather's quote-unquote retired. He's going to fight Sergey Kovalev, And he also spars with Joe Schilling all the time, who is glory world champion, kickboxing world champion. ass on that's a serone fight it was the most connections of all time?

1:56:58 Yeah, Donald started coming back with leg kicks. and he went through a lot of wear and tear on you. And then he had some losses after that. It doesn't get looked at as solid as it should be. Is this what happened? If they're going to do that, in the meantime Yeah. Give me that rematch. When you watch a guy get beat up and strangled like that it does you got a pee again?

1:59:31 Then everybody goes, hmm, okay, could Rafael Dos Anjos do this? So a guy like Conor, you don't get to be that good. 100% motherfucker. it does not care about It doesn't care. You want to charge face first at a counter striker and she clips you with that first Your ears are going. If you drop an elbow down from 12 to 6, They thought that if you dropped a 12-6 elbow like those ESPN karate shows

2:02:25 Well, fake Nate Diaz. Yeah. For a while, they were dating Ronda Rousey, and GSP was all upset about it because he of my life. You just don't? And people were talking about him. Like when you get nails so they don't rust. and beats you the way he beat you, Let's just say he goes to 45, then maybe 55 jose aldo might beat him now now that jose especially jose aldo could yeah if jose aldo

2:05:15 and leg kicks the shit out of him. if he initiates a clinch because let me tell you something about aldo's jujitsu it's fucking lot of muay thai but he also has a lot of traditional martial arts as well like some of That was the first time we'd ever seen a front kick to the face KO in the UFC. Yeah, exactly. shoes and you tie your shoes effortlessly you just reach down because you've done it your whole life

2:07:56 when it came to that muay thai clench you could see it the way it was holding on to him and pushing And in some organizations, you can kick them in the face on the way down too. And they also, the way of manipulating you into knees, like when someone has a clamp down and they know how to control your neck, it too and they start going, knees, knees!

2:09:55 Those were the pull-up Rich Franklin, Anderson Silva versus Rich Franklin one. in the UFC the knees to the face see and so Rich And he's kneeing his body and then he grabs And each one of them is weakening him more and more and more. Boom, to the legs. He hits him in the temple, and that's it. That's when he took the title? Yes, he did. Knocked out Chuck Liddell in his last fight. Later was was later chuck was his last fight his last fight in the ufc

2:12:59 Like a front kick is the most standard technique ever. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I guess not a year I know Max Holloway's in the mix as well Nine straight years, no losses. Okay. where Frankie fights Max Holloway. Then have Max Holloway fight the winner of Aldo three pieces in play at 145. That's the real thing. What? You know, it doesn't matter. he's not supposed to win that's all he keeps doing and doing and doing just keeps winning fights he's

2:16:15 And then the Chad Mendes knockout. the fuck you're going to have in the 80s. And if Conor wants someday to come back Is that if he beats Nate Diaz? good setup for him in that regard. He's just he's at a very, very high level on the ground. So if he loses, he might have lost to Frankie. If he wins, they're doing a third fight. it's like yeah i feel what you're saying yeah um i think it's about money weights you know

2:19:06 Steroids. He's like, why? Is that a rule? And they have a turn and go, what? Yeah. Him and McCarthy are the gold standard. Early stoppage. and i saw him walk frank's arm break so or excuse me you see tim's arm break. So Frank got him in an arm bar and snapped his forearm in half. And I said, well, watch this. Thank you for saving my career. they ever had in Columbus.

2:22:02 And he stepped Sad. It was supposed to be Ray Mercer versus Tim Sylvia with a boxing match. that's like the last thing that goes away with a guy like him. Look at that. Womp. No. boom boom boom and tommy gets caught up in the ropes here so So he's in a corner. So as he's going down, look, his arm gets wrapped up in the ropes. And he's caught. That's amazing.

2:24:38 And then he got caught. perhaps this weekend you might have thought about Tempe, Arizona, the improv. Oh, the Tempe improv. What a place. AriTheGreat.com. I'd like you to do that. Bella Donna. Yeah. That might be true. I think that really holds true holds true i mean it's inarguable at this And she's going to fight Leslie Smith, who fights at 135. They didn't have 115-pound talent.

2:27:49 whether it's for men or for women. some of the things that men have been caught with have been pretty unnatural as well. I mean, it always seemed before this Holly Holm thing happened, and that's all fishy, too. She's got movie obligations. go in between when you're it's gotta be hard Maybe you just want to do movies, okay Hmm. It's a lack of respect for the art form.

2:30:13 yeah i mean you can it's just to do it the right way like the way um i think gives it the most time comedy shape two shows Friday, They're all the same. Right. Like one of the times, the only time i've ever Yeah, exactly. are you going to go? That's okay. This doesn't have to be presented to an audience right now. But the last run, I accept no less than two months.

2:33:18 It could be the Irvine Improv. But when I do, I'll have a little freshness to it. in Dayton. Yeah, just lower percentage. So you're going to do eight straight weeks. Tuesday night. it feels like it's being away from it was great it's your home you were at war for a while or here's the number to call in. I came by. Yeah. Yeah. They've empowered. I'm looking for you guys to like make,

2:36:36 And it's also, You mean audience members? Dude, they sold out 20 nights in the OR in a row. Yeah. from anything i mean a little bit from that uh america show but that was all kind of gone Yeah. Fuck around, come up with great material, are talking about at like you know if there were 300 people People know that it's happening now because of podcasts.

2:39:26 mitzi found him she was in her office upstairs remember that old office up there yeah and uh Like, you know, an open mic type thing. It's literally so singular I mean thick and big And he goes, Charlie, I don't like that movie because it gives women the false impression And you would say that's not funny And then he goes back into it for not laughing at them.

2:41:19 Anyway. I'm going to find out some secrets. That's in May in Brazil. Very excited. go fuck yourself at 1230 on Comedy Central Ron White's on this week