Joe Rogan Experience #79 — Jon Lajoie Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I can't let other motherfuckers define you, ladies and gentlemen. That's my message, alright? No, like, my cleaning lady, I love it. To put these John Like frosted I always had dildos. I would buy good ones. you know, like the whatever, the dolphins. Let's do it. And that's actually, these are harder. Is that what it was? You've got to be careful getting into that fucking

2:08 just slamming it. Yeah, what are you going to do and then it hits the taint you can tear I bet Mine looks like a broken nose. And his picture's totally bent. Giant dick Bent up How many cock pictures have you seen online He puts them online, man. This guy puts them online for everybody to see. I would love to have my dick pointed up, like bent up, so it just hit the top of the girl's

4:01 Is it like that? He just loved whipping out his dick and showing people. that's the prince albert but the other one that you're talking about is more of a body modification Your upper lip, there's a ring on it, a metal ring. What are you doing? you know that if you're decorating don't forget that one dude You got to know that if a girl's decorating down there, she's having open houses all the

6:25 onto a piece of paper are actually pretty good about Spider-Man He's a mess. I throw it on the ceiling and keep my mouth open. Like, she... It's fucking hilarious. Some guy was, who was it? Yeah, yeah. And they go, if you guys make out, we will just do everything. Come on, dude. The depths of your depravity He could just clamp down on that thing at any moment, and that's the end of your dick.

9:37 Everybody sucking dick on Saturday Night Live? the Hells Angels There's all this video of it. Makes you want to write. he fell. Look how it all fell Like, look at this brilliant guy. I mean, it's a great fucking book. constant you know like if you're so passionate about something there's something that you need is because it took you fucking 10 15 years ago going on stage over and over again to like cultivate this thing

12:38 I didn't do, The sitcom was a lot of work. this. And anyway, shitty set it just felt uncomfortable and and that made me really realize like god you don't even That's when you kind of die. And now all of a sudden it's a business and you have an agent and a manager, and they have plans, a career plan, really like they're interesting guys and they'll start talking to you about like liquor sales and

15:13 That's some serious numbers, man. other things and even to pay Now these guys are making ridiculous money from YouTube ads. I'll shoot it, edit it, and put it out. That's why it's so good, too. It's almost like you you you get a sense of their personality like you get it like a glimpse into like their creative when they do something and we enjoy it.

17:15 get like i do the shows and people anyone just goes dude i love what you do i'm so like like if you subscribe you get them as soon as we put it up there but apparently apple has some weird Because I'm so technologically, Yeah, you just download an MP3. The device is no good. They don't understand the power of the iPhone. I was doing an AT&T commercial last night.

19:57 For you. That video's not loading up. Is that correct? What? Is ball cancer up right now? Because your lap. It's so close to your balls. It tricked me to put it in my head. You know what I mean? Remember when we sang it in the hot tub? So are you touring? And spell that, motherfucker. Like Kevin James had to do that. The movie trailers when you see a movie.

23:29 Yeah, really great. Porn stars is the way to go? I know. Do you write all your stuff yourself? By the way, how much does it help with chicks being bilingual and the other language is French? Oh, Jean Lajoie. And then out here, it's kind of like, We don't even like French fries anymore, bro. Yeah, I don't really do comedy in French. Just to give you an example, there are 7

26:14 they consume Quebecois culture and they have like huge comedy stars. What's that about? and there are many uh laws in canada that do protect that culture like kind of like signs Right. It's very controversial. If the language dies, it dies, man. They don't want their language to evolve. right there most of them are sovereignists or separatists whoa uh yeah no because they probably

28:57 That's not what I'm saying. God damn it. Of course it doesn't, you fucking stooge it's what you're thinking is what's It's real simple. No secret languages. We do have all the bombs. well I guess we should have made cocaine legal you fuck This is nuts. How about on Hollywood fucking Boulevard? Verizon I did it last time Cold weather douche bag theory

31:54 It's, you know, three hours north or more, right? The culture is totally different. Yeah, but fuck this guy is way nicer to be around yeah keep it together problem is you have to work so you got to let them drive at 18 or 17 or whatever the fuck it is. But I saw limit. I'm like, kid, you don't know how to drive yet. of metal like around thousands of people yeah i don't think that's a good idea it's funny this

34:27 Do you have 10 kids and have you killed 15 people? It's just the fact that you're even confident enough to want people to listen to your opinion at 20 the world what needs to be fixed you know just fucking stop dude it's a developmental cycle or moral code and i was so like well like what was the code oh i don't know i was very much uh i was is like what makes my parents proud.

36:54 am I being an asshole right now and am I being a good person? shopping like i try to give my money where like it's because buying is voting but back in the It's very tricky. The people that don't, I've had some Do you not get that? When people say Those beans are alive, you fuck. stupid because you step on bugs all the time we're convenient shitheads all right and the funny the

39:29 They didn't realize how fucking ruthless and violent chimps really were until they started doing some studies. thrived we got a little bit more confidence. The other one is psychedelics. things on the planet is in no question the brain the human brain is i mean we alter our environment And one of the things they did was there was a lot of cows that were eating the grass,

41:50 One, that there was a direct increase in their ability to see things because when you eat mushrooms are is some sort of an alien intelligence that has come here from an asteroid. Because the and the way it communicates with people is you eat it. Yes, sure. They discount that because it sounds ridiculous that an illegal drug could potentially aid do they've observed them eating mushrooms back a long time ago no all monkeys now you know a lot

45:21 Wow, that's so crazy. And they're just like, that's ridiculous psilocybin mushrooms is like fucking 50 pounds or something that's like what you have to eat to kill to be eating them right out of the ground they're supposed to be legal yeah you know this is all a or in your basement. Right. And he wants to sell you mushrooms. But what I'm saying is valid in a lot of cases, man.

48:18 He couldn't believe that Eddie could choke him out. him down chokes him out puts him to sleep like you fucking dummy that's a black belt in brazilian jiu-jitsu like really you think you could just you just you're just Jake the Snake it's very possible man I know what you're saying but like And I'm like, why do you want to believe? Brian always says it best.

50:20 man. When you're speaking 1 billion years ago and they have all these uh these comparisons and you know this is all like What cancer is is absolute proof positive that this is the wrong path, and the universe is slowly swallowing the human race back up. of like like the 10 000 100 000 years ago the people didn't get cancer they didn't get cancer whatever,

52:57 Yeah. It's a really interesting thing, because it really is let's say let's just get crazy and let's give it a few thousand years let's What the fuck is cancer? That's terrifying, man. Oh, my God. No, no, you have cancer like Do they have any idea? And you never know where it can come from. Yeah, I eat well. really amazing it's like most of our food is so fucking like dead yeah you know so yeah like you

56:30 he said they used to take the celery out you have to wear gloves uh when you like they'd unload it I make celery juice all the time. That's nuts. I don't know if they did, but people were like, this is the end of the world. You don't own your crops. Or if it was bullshit or if they just hired him for something. You have to plant it every season. Yeah, they engineered the, what's it called?

59:29 firms. So does this mean Do you know how crazy that is? Well, the crazy thing is people think this is ridiculous. You know? Even if you're fucking something like a maniac. I mean, I just read on another similar kind of thing i just read No one has a fucking clue. But it's a fish that I believe it's from Africa. they've turned up in lakes and Wikipedia.

1:02:30 It looks like, look at this shit. I had piranhas for pets, and was against the law because of that very reason. Did you have to like throw like your cat in there to feed them? attack a school of goldfish and the goldfish it was really a sick I don't even remember anymore And they start That's a wrap Daisy Even if they're not hungry They if you have too many of them just one of them shows up with a limp that's a wrap that's a wrap daisy even if they're not hungry they just attack

1:04:41 man. They're fucking savage. They're stealing dead goldfish from each other scarier that way modified piranhas dude there's a fucking crazy piranha it's a it's like a cousin to a piranha and um they just big fucking plate-covered You fall in man Yeah If fucking mountain lions I was walking around with rocks because I saw a Discovery Channel thing, but people getting attacked by mountain lions.

1:06:57 First of all, with a 9mm, you shoot a bear, They started jacking people's garbage. When you see them out there, I mean, I never saw a bear in the wild, but I did see a mountain lion. Did you see Grizzly Man? Yeah. Like face his gayness He's in like a bear closet Meanwhile, the park rangers are like, you don't have to save them, all right? They get used to people being around because he's around all the time.

1:09:21 Hello, Mr. Cupcake. And he's excited that he's in contact with this shit that just came out of her ass. Saying that it's warm. you weirdo. Great movie. Because it's goddamn brilliant, dude. how they had to shoot the bear because the bear was still there, like guarding over the And they started killing their own babies. they don't want to have to worry about fighting you.

1:12:29 And this monkey's screaming. Somewhere that footage exists, too. Burn this. Maybe even more than that. I mean, they don't really show you, but when they say the way they found out that the guy So they landed and they had a land Nothing of the body. It had all been absorbed been absorbed animals had eaten it other bears had eaten it it's like yeah i mean i really i i mean is like the Coen Brothers did it as a goof. It's like, I mean, I really, I mean, I was amazed.

1:14:59 He had video footage that he had shot himself for years and years by himself. States government fuck you Alaska like he's Because he has so much footage, they turned it into a fucking to eat. We'll hit the fucking vaporize and I'm gay. He talks about it. Maybe it's because you're living in the woods with monsters, you fuck. on the ground with no more than

1:16:54 Seven minutes this guy dies. And it's just eating your feet. Okay, I'm going to die. Dude, man. God damn it. We need them. three or four times the size of you you know what i? I think I'm going to play, if I'm going to surf, I'm going to do it on the Xbox. Why the fuck would you take that chance? And they eat shoes and license plates and tires I wear shoes in the ocean

1:19:43 But the point being, logically and realistically, we're all going to die eventually. Not, ooh, look how pretty the water is. If one breaks off, another one pops into its place there's no to a watery grave. If there's any karma out there, I mean, the universe, does it really give a fuck about the difference between the life of a goldfish orfish to a watery grave if there's any karma out there

1:21:10 in the death of goldfish and I would use it and it's going to come for you, man. It's going to grow legs. Yeah. Oh, you fucking weirdo. It's really scary. No. pulling over people in Russia. panics. He yells something in Russian. Panics and gets into the car of the street and as he yells, the guy who's the cop panics, he yells something in Russian, think it's fake? A lot of people

1:23:12 But anyway, so this super pack of wolves is terrorizing this fucking town. It might be euros, 210 euros. But it doesn't even have the vodka in it. So anyway, think about this shit, man. Presents. I wish it was real. Minus 49 degrees. So almost for every three people, there's a wolf. It's terrifying. No, they're fucking killers. Yeah. them again. Like, oh, wolves aren't so bad yeah they're cool man yeah we need them they're beautiful

1:26:31 I'm too close. how do you kill the bugs? Yes. you read that some of these spiders are your skin to die. So that causes your skin to die. they, it on the podcast before. Yeah. Was it Hornets versus Wasps? russell viper and what these things they cause uncontrollable hemorrhaging of your pituitary You get neutered by a bite. And by the way, it's the most potent toxin of any spider.

1:29:40 And I've read about it before where this guy, Rupert Sheldrake, was talking about, We have this idea of instincts. Well, how much stuff goes in there? we don't have a documentation of where all our information comes from. When you meet someone who's wise beyond their years, you know, what is that? also to think that And it's not either or. Yeah, man.

1:32:18 Yeah, it's spooky. But I'm pretty... Are you bad, or Dude, listen. If you have two beers in you, that's drunk. I can't do cab, man. All right. This is all fiction. Is that usually the case? Is that usually the case? Really? Oh, God. People are scary. No matter what. You know, and you can't fix them Ain't nothing wrong with me, bitch. that it's almost nothing you can do about it.

1:35:23 We all know dudes who are just beyond fixing. I'd just walk him in the woods. Come on, let's go for a walk. They were like, is he being serious? And just keep looking there. And random violent offender. Not for a year. And the vulnerable ones, the women. Come back as a butterfly. Just fucking shoot him. Animals in the zoo. I bet bears would love to eat cunts.

1:37:38 We will. Listen, okay, after the nuclear war, life is cheap. You would sit down and you would go, are you going to drink stop this please what are you doing no you would sit to be banging boys? why am I fucking this kid up? Pattern wig. Never would go gay. I think they just start getting their dick sucked right away. Yeah, it was a really creepy movie, man. It was like the first real exposure

1:40:00 Colors, Colors, Colors. I'm a motherfucking cop killer. He was cool. Yeah. Yeah, he's Ice-Q. If Eazy-E was alive, he'd take a dick out of his mouth and go, Was it Arthur Ashe or was it Eazy-E? Yeah. Everyone's just going to start dropping like flies? Like, I'm kind of creeped out. He tests HIV negative. With the stem cells, right? Have you heard about this thing that they've got?

1:43:24 They reproduce this stuff and then they spray it on you and it radically cuts down healing time. everything comes from the fetus but you don't have to now they have a way to reverse it like Like, what the fuck? and somehow or another you're profiting i did yesterday that was eating out a girl and started bleeding. I'm so sad right now so sad right now sometimes you're like man human beings man we fucked up shit well that's not anybody's fault there no no that's that was kayla page to support

1:46:05 He came with me. And so over the top and retarded. and do their own coinciding podcast, like talking shit about fights as they go down. I have to commentate, man. It's like you're in bed with him because the seats are so small and cussing. Hope you brought your jammies. Oh, my God. that likes to do like an hour. and that's what he does. and he opens and he goes up and just

1:49:02 the Lion King Theater We're all moving around. He's got this bit about this yoga. with a nun when he was a kid. Yeah, because they got upset with him And Joey only weighed like, you know, like fucking 210, 215 pounds. Yeah. but no one just gets shit jumping like Joey Diaz. It really is, right? It sucks to be rich and by yourself That's how you see things

1:51:54 In her potty the other day That's disrespectful the newest baby, baby Rogan number two, And one of the things she likes to do is get bones. And like, Nature. But nothing like that bone. You give her a bone. This is the line you know my dog bit How long have you had him now? You ain't the only one, bro. Fucking dead dog. You ain't the only one, bro.

1:54:57 And all of a sudden, he's stoned. weed days. I was just learning how to like weird i was like why are you hiding i'm like oh she's high as fuck yeah that dog got a contact And she had mange. their garbage, eat their garbage, and then sneak back in the yard. Clever dog, man. then she would eat the throw up i mean it's like she couldn't she was never satisfied yeah and i

1:57:16 What the fuck? What's going on here? Dogs never fucking watch. and they had, I mean, you know, Who's to say there isn't? fuck i don't well go to uh is it jean le joie.com or go to my youtube page which is youtube.com Like Monday morning Yeah And Sunday night Doug Benson's coming too I called Ari today So that's it And then in Australia At Rudy Hill That place that I'm doing Brea, the improv at Brea. It will sell out, so get tickets if you want to. Get them in advance.

2:00:40 There was an 8 o'clock show. And the people are friendly as fuck Yes. I'll get Dave Foley, and I've got to call Boss Rootin. You're a good producer. All right. Have you ever been high as fuck? The only problem's that the chickens have human arms You're walking home and your mouth is dry