Joe Rogan Experience #793 — Whitney Cummings Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I don't know, I never cashed the checks. Because unless you weren't seen as a child or heard as a child And I'm glad we didn't talk about it before. And I'm helping people just seems to make more proliferate. You start going like, oh, there's a real world outside this Truman show that we live in of the fake sets and the I think it's writing fake scripts about fake people and fake lots and fake houses and, you know, fake edit bays.

2:51 Like, I just, I was like, so I kind of wanted to get some perspective and, like, really get out there and not just, like, give money for my own selfish, like, guilt shit. I'm sick of my making jokes. and I felt like my brain was, had this, there was like patterns and rhythms that I was like, Whether you're interested in having it or not, you just do, right?

5:16 affects them but if they've never heard of you which in vietnam no one ever heard of me not a Like, I was like, all of a sudden, when something tragic happens to you, things become clear, I always love talking to you because you're probably one of the most ruthlessly introspective people I know. That does not interest me. Do you have you had very many psychedelic experiences? You know what?

7:55 would breed with night watchers and essentially so you're a night watcher i could be that could Yeah. I really got to start this journal. bellows and you're stoking that and you're on the phone at the same time. Our brain like thinks our phone is the sun basically. This bitch is going back to technicolor. Yeah it's a setting I mean, or who? So my phone, I actually, I used to be so addicted to it.

10:38 What? Because I'm like, phone, phone it? Try it for a day? Because I'll have Can't do it. Oh, no, it is. It's nonsense. Like this, like that, nothing to deal with. and frivolous but Only the voiceless, only people that can't help themselves. I don't answer phone calls. I went on the plane on the way over. It's not, it's not working. The pilot was wrong, but because of the inherent respect for your elders thing,

14:39 The right word saddened by this culture of like shame over there. I mean, Apple in China, Apple had to put nets around the building. and have them work all day. God, you're just going to love it. dowry system so basically to have a child is a fortune i'm sorry to have a female because you against an individual person right that's not like a socially accepted thing it's not like the nazis

17:34 not an entire country Well, I like the fact that they're not America. having more humor or less humor or more you know more discipline or more artistic freedom it's it's and then release the more backwards ones And I was like, yeah, it's just wild i mean in vietnam it's like everyone's like vietnam is so beautiful you're gonna love it and i was like yeah it's definitely beautiful but i see um poverty and

19:49 I mean, we were in a hospital. And, you know, we needed four of this machine that puts babies to It's just not in our purview. Exposure to pollution i'm sure all that napalm we dropped or stigmatize someone, but a lot of more religious countries think you're the devil or you're, It's how we connect to people. I mean, we're exposed to a lot of fucked up shit here, too.

22:39 Oh, we talked about this last time, just sort of like how we essentially always had to drink alcohol before we had potable water. They were just hammered. That's it. You would love it. Yeah, mostly joints. sharp edges underneath the skin. Oh, no. I smashed my nose. I had to lift it up and it was like up and down. My parents were like monkeys. Right.

25:16 Jungle gyms are just not safe. If you're falling on these metal bars, you could fucking die. oh, kids fall on their head and die. So if anyone wants to send some sperm, Jamie, now that I'm learning about your... It doesn't have to be their mom necessarily, but maybe we should always just be being held. Right. i'm gonna crawl another foot he's still there right babies turn around and check in and then

28:04 I see it constantly and I see it when phone. I mean, I see it constantly. I stopped. And they were laughing. Oh, I believe it. send me an email, tell me why, and I'll get you tickets. And, you know, the health insurance, the vet health insurance is a joke and all this whole It's 745. assistant it's a microcosm of a relationship he was courting you And then he got you And then he was just like I'm interested After he fucked you

30:51 And meet you It's hard Is this person completely delusional? Good. I had a cool conversation with a guy or is it going to be open up the door to a wacky person? and he behaves as if I'm doing him a favor. Who are, like, 21. And so this guy's in the front row and Kevin Christie is opening for me. It's like all of a sudden you just become a woman who's yelling at them and they're not allowed to talk back.

33:31 You're like doing the soul. I do remember what the I throw change away. Oh, fuck. And then the guy went from like laughing, laughing. if you didn't fucking spend so much money so he's heckling So I finally had to, he had to go. Self. So you have a connection with, he's probably Well, you know, there are people that think that people need to be put in check and that people like it.

36:21 If I get it right, just go. You don't need to fix him. got to hang at the comedy store that much but like I kind of I'm in and I'm out less less so now like and leave hey, and, you know, What? Cause I said, Like, it was like an alpha reaction, I think, or something. Well, that's a crazy person. You know interesting like you like he's upset like you're in my life and it's not why aren't you doing what't want him to try you on. You know what I'm saying? Interesting. Like you, like he's upset.

39:21 I mean, that's the classic example of why comedians don't like to work with other good comedians because they don't want You want to have fun. people that get into comedy because of all the scars of their childhood like we were talking to just have some fun. Yeah. And exactly what you're saying, like you just made it so clear think i'm funny they can't even understand what i'm saying it's just very humbling and then you're

42:16 treating me like i'm normal yeah he was like that's how comics stop being funny yeah it's but still landmines. You want to take a picture with me? yeah yeah yeah but they're doing his podcast yeah they just went to three arts yeah but it's It's like, you know, it's like, yeah, my parents are sick. I have to go on tour to pay for it. I mean, I have to, you know, thank God I get to do that for a living.

45:02 us all these guys and it's unbelievably heartbreaking to see these television and it's i what i want to say is this is fucking crazy that we have to do a fight to They're going for glory. is so minuscule compared to an IED. I mean, there's got to be a way. I mean, it's like, what do you... Maybe it is some days. And also, from the little I know about it, is that...

48:29 They don't just see, like, threat, threat, threat. Yeah. Doing it in your basement, like a video game just is actually even more traumatic, oddly. Because first of all, mentally, they're going to be the most durable. They have way deeper and more intense camaraderie than the average person does and then on top of that they're they're proactive they're the ones

50:26 Yeah. And it's two-pronged. One is because I had a lot of shame have anxiety, I have anxiety. And it's like anxiety is actually, it talks about sort of the origin of it. And it's two-pronged. We should move. I know. Yeah, because your body's producing so much adrenaline. for energy because I guess our brains burn like 25 or 30% of our calories or something. So

52:21 Totally. I'm not as agile as you. You keep the fucking weapon. And be, Yes. There's a balance of animal sizes. We were pretty close to people, but not really people. Yeah. No, I don't. Which I, you know, I mean, that's for most people in the public eye. You much more so. was like had the pain came and I was like and I'm like screaming and two minutes later I'm like

55:53 really see it it's just like an extra bone like right here whoa like one dink you know because I'll find out for you. And their feet. So, well, it's just walking constantly barefoot. Jammed into these fucking shoes that don't shape. But these Chumani people, Rinella was there, and he was walking through the woods with these people, Sure. we acclimate to where we are.

57:41 who has the, and did a six dollar latte and it becomes normal after a while. got to remove myself from the situation and go watch kids have surgery for you know a lot of that That too. So if I give someone the finger on the highway on the 405, what are the odds I'm going to And you have more responsibility as a community. Like if you see someone pulled over the side of the road, you have more responsibility as a community like if you see someone pulled

59:48 But I was thinking, like, if this was a small town, for sure I'd pull over. that we lose the idea of value of our fellow humans. There's so much variety as far as like restaurants we can eat at or places we can go and so much culture to see. time square tokyo is like a big time square but there's like this concept of space and it's cultural and whether cars play it because it's really everything is Times Square.

1:01:43 More respect. You know, they compete with, they have a lot of honor and behavior patterns that they're The cab driver gets up and opens it and closes it for you. It's like the service is like, you know, as you said, it's all about honor and dignity and taking pride in your work. Have you ever seen an actual samurai sword? And if you look at that blade, that blade was made by some guy so turned on right now steel pounded it folded it over pounded it

1:03:43 Yeah. Like, I mean, you're way stronger than me. a watermelon? But like ribs, try to stab someone? But it's also mirrored in archery, like in bow hunting. it talks about how bone marrow um human brain growth uh exponentially um went up when humans There's all this speculation. Like a chimpanzee can throw something, but it doesn't mean it's going to hit the target.

1:06:17 62 feet? Nope. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know about no other animal, but I know that other primates don't. I don't know if that's true. You know, I mean, I don't know why. Making tools. Yeah. Or is it just a side effect of just your fingers getting wrinkly? No, I like it. why the skin on human fingers working to channel away the water like a rain treads

1:10:43 The team also showed the pattern of wrinkling appeared to be optimized for providing a drainage No. And I think, you know, those people, a lot of them are very fit. Now, when you turn into a sport, like who can do the most clean and presses, who can do the most, you know, whatever, deadlifts in an hour. now the crossfit people i think if i could speak for them i think they think of it as a healthy

1:13:06 that is it was like a chalkboard that was in front of a coffee shop yeah well it's it's one of those They believe that it's all a hoax and that NASA is a hoax and that satellites aren't real procreating all day with other people but they think yeah these people are just procreating all day That's true. they adhere to an ideology? And I think Right.

1:15:53 Well, you know. Like that sort of same thing is akin to religious people that want to Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a good term. Like people love being outraged. you know right and it's just like i think that of thinking, I don't want to call it religion because I think it's a pattern and patterns in these ideologies. i think this is how it is or not yeah or not. Not being married to your idea. Just like I could totally be fucking wrong.

1:19:16 brains that are able to see everybody's side and that's kind of what we do um for a living but it's It's like, yes. if you don't share their belief. A friend of mine who's a doctor, I was like, because he's always like, oh, and then I'm at my practice. You know, and in 10 years, we're going to be looking back and they were like, I can't believe we fucking did that.

1:20:51 to try to regenerate dead people's brains? Wait, so is it to bring people back to life or put their old brain into a new person's body? To be like, hey, who killed you? That's not a real company. Yeah, exactly. Oh, fucking Christ. This is insane. Yeah. Is it a private thing? Yeah. even spars. Boxing is way worse for you, isn't it? You understand this.

1:23:54 Let me ask you a question. Yeah. And Pete Berg, This is really self-abusive. Maybe they're, you know, having less bar fights. The only rule is no two on one. Like guys just moved and a new guy moved in. They changed teammates. Once a year, they just agree to fucking just fight each other. To suck at fighting. I'm just laughing at that. So this guy's holding this guy down.

1:26:21 The only thing you can't do is two on one. That are humping And they're like Oh, someone got smacked. See, there's the guy gets knocked down. Whoa, only one black guy? It's almost like a, what's that thing, the Iron Man? But there's a lot of tradition in it, and see everyone wears Joker uniforms or what You're like, where are all the black people? He might be just a Sicilian.

1:28:33 And then they have to play, I think it's two there's no nothing's being promoted it's just people that want to fucking fight each other It's basically just like a giant street fight. I think they probably get out there and are like, Well, it's so interesting because think about it. Is the guy with the balls Oh, well, Brian. I think people feel better for sure when they have that sort of a release.

1:31:14 Well, it's not as much adrenaline. No. It's about when. well think about your body as if this is long-term thing and people have given me a hard time about Do you have any interest in hypermobility? your whole body. So when I, you know, pick something up, it's my knees and my hips and my you know, I had to go to this like fucking Pilates thing. You need to relearn how to walk.

1:35:05 people how to walk. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to China and they lied to you. I know. Oh, that's so hilarious. They were like, you are the dumbest. Well, what about the frozen eggs? Yeah. I love that. Your eggs are still good. an allergy to semen. Well, where does it land? Yeah, but I just am curious Sperm allergy, sometimes semen allergy, seminal plasma, hypersensitivity is a rare allergic reaction to proteins found in a man's semen.

1:38:03 Mostly affects women. Yeah, but what if this, if the, yeah, hold on. maybe that dude has weak loads maybe if a man has some like fucking stout loads yeah yeah get in Stout Loads. I have to do my first It was like the moment you said that, You can't fuck me, please. You say there's going to be, but there might not be an erection. I did an episode with Chris about this one time.

1:41:10 But if the woman, like, all of a sudden needs comforting archetypes and one of them is like one of them is like the spooky voice like no one's scared of the It's like, hey boys, Have you ever seen those commercials? So maybe that's why they have to be like, You're a bad boy. Guys, that's not sexy. The politician voice. That's an archetype. Yeah. Those are archetypes. The politician voice.

1:43:10 I find myself, and I stopped doing this because I realized I'm exacerbating the problem. Most people are dumb. for me to be hypervigilant and be like, my a man like if you're fixing something i want you to only be focusing on that guys don't Well, it makes people comfort. I get triggered by women like her and she wasn't Coming in hot loads. Stout. No, it's something about the beta males.. We're talking about Coming in hot loads stout. It was something about the beta males. Oh and the archetypes. Yeah. Yeah, they're like don't cuz oh

1:45:57 That is what I sound like drunk, so I'm ready. You guys, one day I'm going to sneeze and my back's just going to break in half. I saw an extra bone in my forearm. Yeah, freeze it alongside just in case you can combine it. The embryo gets frozen. so an embryo a 13-year-old. I think we could. But yeah, that is, I mean, I imagine it's because it doesn't have a brain and blood.

1:47:54 one cell, the idea that you could I mean, which is so really fascinating because if you brought this concept to someone 200 years ago or even 100 years ago, they'd think you're out of your fucking mind. Yeah. but uh yeah it's i mean it's a it i've never felt like more of a science project. It's like the human body is kind of a miracle. And he's in and my ovaries are on a high def television.

1:49:49 like this is just a videotape Like intellectually. fuck do you know that it looks like a haunted house to me i can't understand anything it looks two years is gonna be a little bit hectic and i'm probably not gonna get he was like this might not And that's, of course, when her brain is bathed in oxytocin What is it? They both shot it I don't know. she decided to keep it.

1:52:17 That's insane. Well, also, there might have been like some severe desperation in her life that made her take this position as being a surrogate mother in the first place. if a baby's not getting the nutrients it Babies, totally. All bullshit aside. a person in their body yep i mean it's really like this ultimate biological trick of replication. Who wrote that book?

1:54:41 Jerk off first, then think about it. I mean, I don't want to live like that, but it makes a lot of sense. So it's like a tantric type thing. So they're trying to hack couples. Of course. It's not working out, obviously. Like, I'm just curious. who's similar in some ways is or is that a nightmare another no someone that i honestly in order for them to appreciate you.

1:57:13 Well, there's a lot of benefits to your type of behavior. Obviously, that's why you're and then you have this pattern, you're ready you'll find someone yeah that's yeah you're right because i and i think there's like And then they're going to be someone that's worth dating. Until a buddy of mine had this He's like, I was working all day. five times in a row that's like i don't want lack of awareness i do not exactly so i want to be able

2:00:31 You had what? You can't walk? control your own shit you got to clean up your own yard you got to fix it that's why i'm in 12 Well, Yeah. to respond and you hold and you're like all right come on yeah we got here what do we got here yeah you're doing on your phone instantly. So I'm not going to start a beef with her. Right. lighter around certain people or friends totally there's like a chemical reaction that you have to

2:04:18 because they know you're funny? Yes. And then a trigger comes along that you're like, and now I have to see what they're doing. I like how you have a cover on your phone, too. Because I don't trust myself. And I rear-ended somebody. is that real? yeah I just think it's not gonna happen to me But don't you think that your ideas of what is going to happen are based on what's already happened and nothing's happened yet?

2:06:41 But no one gives a fuck about that. either but you're we're lucky we're lucky as fuck like this situation this situation wasn't possible right? Tim Ferriss has Lyme disease? everyone's like, And then you go to a place where people are actually sick and actually have problems. I love it, this is awesome, look at this. You don't have to worry about being a slave.

2:08:48 What about the Irish people? when you get in the tent. I'd be like, well, once you fabrics don't do it very well either. Yeah, wool is the shit. oh, good point. Okay, got it. Sorry. I was like, I thought you meant Your face is wet. Amazing. Like I said, they wear masks. And just dead animals. they can't breathe the oxygen there and we went for a run and I came back and I felt like I had smoked four packs of cigarettes.

2:11:51 He just doesn't see. Whatever happens to me, we can fucking do lungs. And I'm like, I never really thought about that before until I was breathing in like viscous toxic air. This idea that you're immune because you ride A lot of the batteries, they're getting the minerals in the mountains. that some of the neocons were very interested were in Vietnam, why some people supported being in Vietnam is because they were profiting

2:14:52 why and who got the money and I'm getting crazy. Yeah, just knocked over there. It's like lava it's thick it's thick not is crazy. The idea that They definitely pollute our environment less. I drive my electric car Being a human. Well, bugs. Mosquitoes just carry diseases. Well, I think it's a perception issue. It was covered with saran wrap. We'll eat frog legs. It's like there's a very

2:18:55 It was a lot of, I guess what's available in that region is probably. huh yeah so uh we found that out the hardware You eat these. It's not like you're eating lobster And they're into eating vegan I wonder how they feel about bugs. I think it's just like a perception issue. Yes. If you're not willing to eat a deer, would you be willing to eat a bug?

2:21:05 I feel like I'm eating a skeleton I mean, yeah. Oh, well, they poison more What other bugs? Malaria is the biggest. who wouldn't go to Mexico because of it. Someone fucked a... That's right. Like foot and mouth... Have you ever heard of an assassin bug? Plague, flea. And also reintroduction of predators in the summer areas. changed the course of videos.

2:23:53 This is like when I found out that the Coney guy was like a pedophile. Because they move where the… They to the health of the environment. Because they move where the— Killed wolves. There was an enormous bear. And then the red wolves and some of the other wolves stayed. This George guy, this Montabayat guy, however you say his name is, the wolves change river guys.

2:26:42 They used to take a carcass. in North America. So the coyotes learned to adapt to the gray wolves. And when they find out that someone's missing, it triggers the females to have larger litters. And I have dogs. You got attacked by coyotes? three feet into the ground and seven my two encounters and I literally said So it knows I need to ingratiate myself with you first and then kill you.

2:30:03 He's like 20 feet from his house. If it's between my dog and a coyote, I'll, you know, kill a coyote with my like hands. I have rats in my pool all the time. Gray wolves do. They're amazing. he did that thing about it that was kind of short but sort of but i mean you're still like god damn And the ugly ones are the ones that got weeded out. Yeah. would be 100 200 strong and it's amazing you'll come over a hill i've only seen uh maybe 30 of

2:33:41 Yeah, I was going to say those. I don't know, Jackson Hole. They wait till the bear is running up on them. That's fucking crazy. And they're fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. a calf that had been killed by wolves. They just tear it apart. And we walked up on it and we found this thing just devastated. Gangster as fuck. Like huh? Fuck that How about give him a name?

2:36:59 Koala bears, they're not even from the same fucking continent. That was like some Game of Thrones shit. Yeah, you're going to kill these awesome broken murderers. But I do know my dog. A poster cat for California's rat poison problem. is they want to eliminate predators, rabbits, Yeah. Rodents. Oh, like Weekend at Bernie's? I named him like Conan the Bar name like we i had a name for him i named him like conan the barbarian

2:40:32 Hedren, lions. Yeah, what the Nope, that's Tippi Hedren, her mom. They had a tiger. Well, because they're part of a infancy. Look at their, I mean, they have. They're a tiger. So they tried to make a movie out of it. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. She still has them. many, many, many square miles. See, one of the fucking crazy Catch-22s about Africa is that, do you know Louis Theroux?

2:43:17 Yeah. and it is is it i mean it is and it isn't it's certainly not like that's target practice it's kill it, it would be killed That's why they have them handing each other. Yeah. So what do you do about that? stop doing heroin. He stays there for months at a time and he's building wells over there. And they're not online looking at the statistics about animals.

2:45:58 But these people that we're calling poachers, you know, you add that pejorative, you know, he's like giving him all these questions and finally the guy snaps and he's like giving him all these questions. And finally the guy snaps. And he's like, Africa is fucked. It's so crazy. a lion, it costs you $50,000. So are lions down there like coyotes or like here?

2:48:13 This is my phone. They're terrifying. And that thing back to like, we are not the top of the food chain. With an asterisk. good, you'd fuck them up with that. Well, you would have to, first of all, not just know how to shoot a gun. That's the best sound effect. Well, it's a skill. But I'm going to go to an intermediate place. And you don't know. Dunk and ah!

2:51:28 they put a bag over their head and take it off and disorient them so that they dealing with anxiety, There's guys that look amazing in the gym and they get to a fight and they can't perform. Well, you can't really simulate that experience, right? the moment when you're actually having to shoot an animal so oh yeah your heart is fucking yeah I guess it's probably not the same thing,

2:53:11 Someone who doesn't hide it, they're a player. not agree but some people just do it but in tournaments do that sometimes i feel like Like, D'Elia came offstage at the improv the other night, and he was getting offstage, Like right away Well it was really warm Yeah. Yeah. I cannot do it No I think those experiences are good in the beginning I used to do stand up at Lucky Strike

2:55:33 Fucking great. It's a sushi restaurant. It's not there anymore. Oh, you literally do. It's a sushi restaurant. There was literally a fucking fountain between you and a bridge and like a koi garden, like a little Chinese garden. things imaginable and nobody responded and we realized like oh they just can't hear us You have a thing? I don't want to become the sex symbol.

2:57:14 I'm not a blonde that's not my brand As soon as you went blonde. What? Like they're the ones that... Probably he's going to hear about this. And I was like, why don't I just try this? I know. and I was like do I fucking need You're the best Holla.