Joe Rogan Experience #8 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Pass the camera back and forth. Yes. I can hear the sound. We just ate some disgusting food. You don't want to hear about our fucking food. How the fuck are y'all out there in you stream land tom segura what'd you do this But Tom was the funniest at all of them. Ever since. Yeah. a great marketing guy. Dan Cook's the master at it, promoting themselves.

3:36 It really is. and you're like You have to have something. You have to relearn it. Yeah, Yeah, when you get into comedy, Like, you have, you're part of the equation, too. Think about how many good movies and said, listen, you know, Do you think that to really be considered super funny? with comedy too there could be some smart ass kid who's like 18 years old is funnier than everybody

7:30 a certain amount It's more complex That's some silly shit, man, but it's hilarious. Totally. Like, that's who he is. I'm so sorry, but you helped me so much. settle into what we're talking about. If it is a 25-year-old old it's a black one you know if someone tells me there's some white kid that's in here i'm like how old is he 25 Do you remember how much of your early stuff you thought was good, though?

10:35 calculate how to trick them into laughing. You know, I hadn't really figured out what We're back. I don't know what the fuck happened. Is there anything that you believe in that people go, interview where he was talking about the key to happiness is find something that you love to do that. doing that, to really be happy, There's going to have to be regular folks, too.

13:36 I'm very dumb when it comes to math. I failed every level of math. Yeah. He just, nobody talked to him. that are just real good storytellers. with everything. We would sit there with a calculator and we would fuck And that's another mathematical thing. And my friend Johnny was as good as... and runs into a talent, you know, then they're still working really hard.

16:31 I mean he trained hard they're on this and on top of the talent, Someone, I think, told me one time that, like, Pete Sampras. That's incredible. Bridget Wilson? Yeah. like that black women dudes like is, like, get into tennis to get good at tennis, It's not, you know? What, are you going to move faster than them? There's great white athletes. You know, what kind of... Can you imagine if Venus and Serena have kids. God damn. Venus and Serena, what kind of...

19:20 action figures. Doesn't even look like a real human. him and Serena Williams that's much more me and Goldberg and that that's bullshit he wasn't just explosive and athletic. How could you not say he's explosive You know what I'm saying? And he's white, and he's just a fucking giant Viking dude. about for whatever reason, but it's a known fact that slaves would breed the biggest

21:52 In some ways, people are saying And there's guys that are. be a simple, I would bet every fucking real dicks that look like fucking arms like mandingo yeah they're real dicks they aren't Have you seen Lexington Steel? The new thing? known for his big dick. John Holmes was a monster. he was doing at the time. you know? that's a fact yeah get along with their

24:55 they're savages yeah i just started it oh my god it never ends it's going to take over twitter god Actually, the takeover has begun. Have your accounts where you can do Google purchases, Jesus Christ! just slowly consuming society? Could you imagine? make sure the power was on, they had robots that they were controlling that It's going to keep going in the same direction it's going right now.

28:25 Hell, do you use, It's alright. and that's all it was. Why is the sky red on certain nights when the sun sets? This is a fantastic time to be alive. Oh, it's great that We didn't have that when we were kids. We were just stupid. You're a freak, goddammit. where you were beaten off earlier that day. There's going to be some sort of a neural interface.

30:39 where they can literally create or recreate a human mind and have all its functions mapped out and do it correctly. brain and they know exactly how the brain works they know exactly how to interface with your brain everywhere. I got an ant problem. I was going to talk I think the next big jump is going to be something right back into brain waves so you can access things

33:12 You have to have competing companies Shit, they're taking over the goddamn world. Dun, dun, dun. They know where you live, bro. I'm not even excited to watch Lost. Oh, look, this is crazy. the last episode it was a brilliant show But the same people are So I watched them all in a row, but I started like at season two Until the last season. I didn't have enough

35:43 all of a sudden, the drama's been dragged to find the new Earth. I think there's kind of something, the quality of those yeah you know but when you watch like a a series you know like you know if Did you watch it? I watch them with friends. movie, but I like it. It's fun. It's stupid. Yeah. Did you watch it? believe all these like love it she's super

38:07 it's like, the worst thing ever, that you're not deep and some movies make you think about things a little bit The Wolfman. Why is that awesome? it's only making you laugh it's this fucking movie was it well done I want to have some fun. I don't want to get depressed about heroin addicts. It's like bummer after bummer after bummer. That's a pretty goddamn good-looking couple.

40:52 and the porn. And they're not it's going to be some real attractive couple. You've got to make it rain. How dare you, Brian? show, you can just tell they're hurting for money. Yeah, and why shouldn't he? It's like Fred Flintstone. That was terrible. But nothing, no finger spread. What are you hiding from me? Why didn't we pay money? Why is that business still in business?

44:26 That's the other argument, is that they have good articles. And one of them was Sinatra. That was in Playboy? Why would you want to pick them up like that? Her ass was nowhere to be seen. Well, that's a famous move. That's not really what they look like. I've seen what she looks like. Like, I could see her skin. It's just they're fucking us. Ew, ew, I'm not buying that.

47:38 Have you ever done that? Be honest. I keep telling people a good question. It goes down and there's a little goat sea on the bottom. Desire to be a porn star? Nobody would want to see that. Alright, that's a wrap, at one point. I had sex with this girl on a webcam. But I remember having sex with this girl, Oh, yeah, it was so innocent back then. as far as like,

50:32 I'm just a guy and all these people I still can't get over Actually, Yeah. they used to have a guy's voice that would be like instant message every time you got a message Yeah. line with a bunch of retards. voice over. I would think so that's still way more this is geek talk ladies and gentlemen is that a game with. Yeah, but voice is like 128. This is geek talk, ladies and gentlemen.

52:57 Brian, do you play Xbox Live? Quake 1. And then we played quake before you log on, you, you know, you have all your settings and your computer for like, it's fun as fuck, it's so getting addicted to Quake. I don't want to waste my time on games. if your computer wasn't as good. it's fucking create shadows exactly like LAX little mugs that you The thing I like about

55:23 and you put it at the It's so goddamn fast. It's nothing like run. I mean, you can fly through the air, man. You're going into Avatar world, and then you think you're playing through this LAX. and you're going to explode. That game is dumb. How dare you? it's way outdated. He knows not what he says. No, I mean graphic wise. Really? It's way outdated. I don't know. my brother please I'm sorry forgive him for he knows

57:31 the aliens and holy shit god damn You know, But now the levels of it, like I'll see something the UFC game That's the greatest point. when they showed us and I went, I was thinking that to myself and then I went shit this is the game and then once they start is pretty badass. did with Avatar is they took the actors and the actors Avatar did, but some other games. They map out the facial features and everything. That's where it started from. Not to the, probably the level that maybe Avatar did, but some of the games.

59:55 Like when they cut to like the, him like. It looks like the dude right there. He got poured on more than any guy in the history of the free world he's at home fucking So you don't think Dude, his whole life That sucks for my wife. He's going to jump back from this so fast. Golf needs him at crazy. at the highest stake He loses. Yeah, the exact numbers.

1:02:23 way more than And, like, whenever you see, like, real good guys match up, And they have, like, a race to 100. TheActionReport.com. They put their entry fee in and they play for the entry fee. That way it's all totally legal. Max Eberle just won $3,000 playing up in San Francisco He could. he fucked probably you'd go crazy he's he's an amazing athlete, right? An amazing game player.

1:04:58 for sure that guy's nuts. And it's the same thing. It's that obsession with competition. dudes. Here's a perfect example. Everybody thinks the best heavyweight he's known for his ability to just, like, overcome anything and be super calm, like, For sure, there's a discipline to dead calm like for sure there's a discipline He beats the fuck out of everybody

1:07:47 whoever probably runs Google is probably, like, and then they go undercover Waste Management. And then he came back and all the guys that were great work stuff, they gave him raises, That's what's wrong with people, man. and all these different parts of the world because I guess it's just like a bunch of managers it's so great yeah he's like the manager's a real pig that he

1:10:32 at a place like that I don't know what And she'll go, come on, we'll go and it'll be fun. Yeah, they're all dressed up as school girls. You know what I mean? Like at a bar where they're can have it whoever wants it just let me have a free piece of pizza and it's all yours Give me a chance, man. That's sports. I'm a fucking sports broadcaster. And then stand-up comedy. Both of them are totally outside of it.

1:13:11 and another one, the producers, Suspenders? giving line readings this dude was giving line readings to this kid this really funny comedian to work those sometimes what was that one that you said? What's that called? Where is it? Erie? And then like, I heard you did you make a joke And you're like, no, I think I said something about like, my, I you're like no like somebody said you did you're like no i think i said something about like my i just said it looks like i have a breast or something and they're like

1:15:43 then I can understand that. We had to do 20 minutes. to get the work but because the whole deal about comedy you know yeah Yeah, yeah. and they told him like, what the fuck? What the gosh? go home. I haven't watched that show. it would probably be, Right? How dare you? I stopped watching it a while ago. And then, what's the other one? All right, if you go down.

1:18:56 Oh, really? and I would bring her to gigs with me sometimes, annoying so we sit down and they go well the opening act jb smooth is lost so we're gonna There's like skeletons of buildings. And now it's done. he'll go after you. I'm like, I'm not going to put my mind in this frame There was nothing that I could have possibly said that was funny. Destroyed. There was like such a But J.B. Smooth went on right after me and destroyed. Destroyed.

1:21:39 how funny I was And so I got all these colleges for it. and destroyed it. facial expressions ever. Do you know about this? in between the corner picking up the ice cleaning up ice let me just make fun of this and now it's like this youtube clip it's all over the I don't know how Put Wi-Fi in there. at the right now. They have a streaming. It's hilarious.

1:24:06 Twitter's so hard to get people. There's a serious delay here. How funny is that that became such a big deal? I only do it where it's appropriate my job is to to represent what's going on my job is to represent what's going on in the fighting it's not my job to like stick my Yeah. Sometimes I have to let it go, though. But we've got to do it. or something like that. Heart of gold. All of a sudden it's a country music song. He

1:26:14 Oh, man, nobody wants to hear that. make stuff up. Like he says shit That whole style, It's like the Constitution, page two. or have written, read the Constitution. I've never read it. Something like that? where they said that corporations can spend as much money as they want on campaigns now, Of course. I mean, it's pretty obvious now. and was calm as fuck under pressure.

1:29:13 the president is just... Very obviously, you know, would make like critical mistakes about shit and the way he promoted things and the way he spoke about things when he was, you know, when he was off script. then becomes the fucking company that's contracted Fire up a new company. that gets, or something like that. It's all incredible. We weren't producing shit.

1:31:43 And it runs our whole life. That's insane. Yeah, yeah. It's really amazing. if you have a hobby, if you have any friends, You'd have to do nothing but consume information all day long to have even a remote chance to really follow the ins and outs. out of it I am with politics, that I don't know when everyone says he sent that many troops to Afghanistan

1:34:04 and put more in Afghanistan. Everybody's like, well, you've got to look out You can drive to fucking Mexico, man. for the UFC, he told me that it's five drive around at night with your light, your dome light on, Whoa. And that's right next door, man. illegal that fuels a lot i'm saying if you made it legal in mexico united states universally And if they ease up restrictions on marijuana, it's going to take decades.

1:37:03 They're going to make sure that they keep a certain amount of jobs every They're going to make sure that they, you know, they keep a certain amount of jobs every year. And if you close down It's crazy. might check yourself in the hospital for you know because you think your heart's freaking out you when things are legal they have really clearly the whole lollipop and two hours later I'm like, I think I got a dud. Like it was a dud.

1:39:21 We talked about this before, but it's worth talking about because it's so crazy and most people don't know about it. it has this 11-hydroxymetabolite, You eat a brownie, Real self-examinatory. Maybe. Eddie had a cookie once that really freaked him out. cookie and got so paranoid like really mean and then i got high once and i thought about i'm like why am i being such a dick

1:41:40 I've met some people that people thought were douchebags before and I liked them. He was just like off the streets. the golf show though? when he talks black what you trying to do here These guys are handcuffed. Okay, he has real martial arts You know, it's like, you think that people Yeah, they might think that, listen, this is going to be like 10 a game.

1:43:37 the blues? Well, you know, it was That'd be a great movie. I do think that that's completely true and accurate, and I think he kind of wanted to be the characters You're fucking sick, sis. It would be better you know? He's never been out of breath. I'm back. Incense. It's hilarious. I've heard so many people recommend it as the worst movie ever. I'm sure it's hilarious.

1:46:29 Let's watch it next week. No. It's supposed to be You guys have to see it. Richard Heat. Yeah, that's hilarious. on Justin TV? for Mac. on pcs really well why don't we start running from a pc let's run boot camp boot camp here Maybe we should get Get broadcasting. Apple's way when they were and I I just build Well I mean I'm not good at it. that a motherboard is for a certain

1:49:10 and then getting all your peripherals, your keyboards, It's not that hard, man. But there was most shit I didn't know. or it wouldn't boot. up to 350 and not burn it out but nowadays i just like max yeah it's way easier for for creative Man, $1,200, you can get a Windows laptop that has Blu-ray I mean, the thing about Macs and it's like plastic and it feels like it's falling apart and you're hanging it. There's definitely some,. Sometimes you get a PC laptop and it's plastic and it feels

1:51:20 a Windows and a Mac and a Linux and a They had to come up with all this cool shit, it gives it more flavor. and it says, you know, you have updates. This is on a PC? They're definitely not up to where Mac is, R.J. LeBlanc. that was selling pot seeds. The United States, and he's a drug dealer. You can make anything illegal that doesn't... There's so much more transparency.

1:54:06 Do it right now. It's like, when are we not going to have bad words? where they have no database in Florida. So anybody can just get a doctor's prescription I mean, it's fucking nuts, man. It makes you wonder, I mean, or the one company that's pumping it and refining it and then shipping it. Well, they own those seeds, man. Right. about diseases transmittable to humans

1:57:06 But the other concern is that someone's going to own the patent to fucking plants. seeds got into his farm, I don't know. of those dudes on TV talking about how all these mass suicides are happening all across Then he ran. Boom. We need to gather up our resources. We know what's best for our country. to change it would have to be a moment where they knew that we're like we're on like peak oil

2:00:08 It makes incredible cloth. It's very difficult. solar collectors future and have it My friend Tom did He was a director and he had a lot of money. Very, very self-sufficient. Yep. He said it wasn't fun. And he goes, I like her just fine. But yeah, they don't quite have it to the point where you can be totally self-sufficient on just solar power. from windmills to power your house

2:02:56 going to be ridiculous to the point where it's not economically viable. They have to I mean, they only get to the point where they have to do it. and a phone and a TV. like they have that Tesla electric car. that's kind of hit a wall completely lately, Can you imagine? But whoever invents, whoever breaks that battery wall is a, that thing. that it's gonna change

2:05:11 I didn't even know about Twitter two years ago. at the same time. Yeah. That's the difference between, for the most part, like, entertaining videos that people post online. This is more like a Facebook status adding Facebook status updates, I guess, They just love to hear themselves talk. and you have, you know, your mistress's mom that you're all banging on,

2:06:52 is that we're getting We're going to get to a point in, you know, the not-so-distant future all the shit they're doing with HAARP. I mean, that's so nonspecific. for them most times we talk about 70 years ago, like look into the 1960s, Freedom of Information Act. It's In the 50s, the government did a thing called Operation Midnight Climax, and they went on a 12-hour trip of death and destruction.

2:10:07 I learn about some stuff on Twitter. guy's figuring out Go to my board. Puppy grabs his chicken, The puppy's like, bitch. Put it up. A little white dog? You know, like, that's what nature's really all about. Ugh. was just deep throughout I think I put it up last night, so I don't know Alright, I'm not going to retweet that. Yeah. I've got an ant problem.

2:13:02 Have you sprayed rain around or whatever that is? If ants were the size of rats, a few thousand times and they all follow If ants were full-sized, Most animals are that dogs will do chimps rip if you They'll mangle you. And it's 589 people. the greatest Gracie ever And everybody's like he got kind of beat up with. And some people, they need to have some bad experiences so that they learn from it

2:16:32 That's why a guy like Randy Couture has such incredible endurance. and all kinds of different things and when when it was made illegal, it was because If you haven't seen them, there's a lot of bad things You can make much more money It's something It's not hard. That's the real reason why marijuana is illegal. It was also the paper company. because hemp makes a much better paper,

2:18:54 It was an economic decision. Yeah. So Hearst is the one who... Yeah. Girls are telling you to suck it up. They're kissing. We're in the groove right now. then we'll get the fuck out of here. This shit is real. the Rogan board and it was an audio podcast it should be that way So I think we're going to end now. Oh, shit. Shit, I'm at the Enmore Theater In Australia Oh shit Shit

2:21:51 Drinking Fostas S-E-G-U-R-A.com most of the time for tuning in this shit is free talking to you. So,