Joe Rogan Experience #811 — Jim Breuer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Oh, don't forget. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It's fucking awesome seeing you, man. You know, it's like there's a bond that you have with people that like you and I were essentially in the same place in the future. You know? It's like, there's a bond that you have with people that like, I tell everyone, shit about pool. Like, all right, we'll go to the gym. This guy's, dude, we're at a craft table for a Disney show.

2:05 I have a photo of us that I have to bring in. We are babies. thumb up their ass oh this is mine now and they ruined it this is free He goes, dude, yeah, dude off And that was enough to set me off? No, no, no. And he'd be like, no, I think Karate Guy would win it. sounds like I'm a dude bag alright Right. I see what you're saying. Right. Twelve Leave those little fuckers alone

6:31 See, and I don't know if that's another weird part of me you know I know so many people that have gotten addicted to pills. Maybe a dozen have been hooked on pills. Don't you think, kind of, though, legalize really bad drugs. Yeah, well, they figured out how to legalize really bad drugs. You know? There was an article about this one family. That's messed up.

9:38 well And we were like, whoa, those are dark times. I even brought up to people, and it's sort of the old, again, you face it, what do you do now? the one that's not dangerous at all like my wife and I had a conversation with I do, too. They're coming, they're coming. And then it becomes a funny thing they talk about. Did you know? I can't... fucking like brewers you're dead this nuts. Like, my father's nuts?

13:00 I think he laughed twice. You're a man now. I go outside, catch a buzz. was down everyone was looking at the old man I would hear this from all my friends. Like, for instance, I can say, I think this kid, you know what? He fucking went in the woods. Because I think there's something to that. It wasn't even close. Any negative comes out in one way or another.

16:50 I mean, that's where all the best stuff comes from. No, no, no. Just from the time they're little tiny babies. And we're still doing it, man. I remember my sister got You could tell she was hit, which is already fucking traumatized. And he said, if you were an old man Whoa. If you fucking thought about it this way. Half hour in the bathroom I ran into some fucking idiot

20:50 It's like a weight. Or someone you ran into at the gas station and said something fucking stupid to you for Yeah. You can't let them. That's what happens to me. I think it's a And by the way, don't stop. Not saying that. How to control people in the age of information well here's the thing let them just communicate with each other freely Yes, spruce it up and make it look like today.

24:08 freely. We need more restricted They're gonna push back! Oh, they'll forget to meet me. Oh, really? Race war. Let's just have a on the list as well. They're not going to go for it. We're pushing too hard. They're going to push back. You know what we can never resolve? That's our... Gay marriage is our queen on a chess table like 1970 something they're still arguing about it it's the same cycles

25:28 How do you feel on abortion, Mr. Trump? You don't see shit. Yeah. factual way as possible and it's uncomfortable as fuck like what abortion actually is and i'm not saying you're like a tribal guy in the woods, there are guys get the girl pregnant. stomp that they saw at a perfect It's like a perfectly shaped tree. getting into it and you know these are the risks and you said everything you just said like wow

28:36 Because nature's still the same setup that was around when we died real young. like a lot of men are gravitating towards being more effeminate. guys like you or I will go, yes! I would see that as politics one day. that said, instead of having a president, I hope so. The powers that be. Gold plating. I've seen the arguments against. Crazy asshole, working for the government, doing some weird shit in Russia,

32:41 That's what all that is. He wanted to get rid of the NSA. And he also wanted pussy. Ask not. You know, that thing. But did It's always the end Ass not He was saying like About secret societies? No, look, I have... They are fun. They killed the kids. The gone show. about that guy? the very word secrecy is repugnant in a free and open society. And we are as a people, inherently and

36:14 to the very limits of official censorship and concealment. That I do not intend to permit on intimidation instead of free What does it say on every poster? That all should have been on there. That's the sickest Like, they don't just talk to you. And you're not allowing people to see much of you. or pain it's more fucking painful to watch that than my third graders horrifying play every single year they do.

40:13 He grew up in our era. It's a bit meaner. When they were in the swamp? Fuck yeah. I thought I was looking at someone who was going to change everything. people you know there's someone like Obama when he was running for office What's what's really changed that much? But the realistic, like a realistic view, Let me show you a little video of Mr. Kennedy's.

43:29 Oh, a fucking wacko. No. A lot of crazy fucks. The whole world would have changed. They're listening to everything we say. Another fucking speech. Only two people have ever broken into the White House. and a fucking machete in his car, plus a map of Washington because he was talking with his girlfriend on the cell phone he had a second radio they keep

46:35 Do you know how hard it would be to talk someone into killing someone for you You're going to go kill John Lennon and then get locked up in jail for the rest of your it's much more likely that people are retarded way more could be but there's a few fucking real ones like that It's really that simple. Well, of course. something fucking cool something death metal

48:53 Ooh. Yeah, I'd butcher it too. that attracts and repulses the public about, in quotes, the elite. That's one of those things that sounds good. Sports stuff back before black people figured out sports. of New York a presidential candidate listen to that his granddaddy Native American warrior Geronimo during World War I. Is it better? I don't remember it.

51:44 Crazy guy. The guy must have hit him or something, but he was a wild man. Are you scared? You know what's interesting? Didn't they grow up in Maine? Yeah, well, you get to vote. Ever, right? That's what I told him. Let's watch the part where he says the wall just got 10 feet bigger. Look at that guy behind him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's more badass.

55:25 And that's what he is. and doesn't go to the gym when he should Like, you're better off having bald spots than that. No one's saying anything. He's got some people that do him up. Make me redder. He has to Yeah, well, that's what Heidecker was saying. No, really. you're gonna go here and then you're gonna bow out all right, what people responded to,

58:47 That's the new fucking little guy's power. It's fucking brilliant. Sorry, I got too far out. yes, because Gawker is not going to pay him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, good Lord. Guy's making a lot of money. Dude. Bobcat is a Bigfoot believer. First of all, he's going to. No I think you're coaching me no no for real he's got a movie he's got this He believes that video, that Patterson footage of the fucking dude in the monkey suit.

1:02:00 I thought he was playing you. Just fans on TV. I don't see him as really thinking that way. And my mom'd go, I just believe it. Oh, Jim Brewer. So the people brought him to this apothecary shop But it was a... Okay. is different if you're on all fours than if you stand up. So that's it right there. So this thing lived as recently as 100,000 years ago

1:04:25 Can I just tell you, if you, you need to change the whole, I would go to school every day Like, this is cool anthropology. They just found it. Well, I dug every fucking place we can, We approximately say that I would say estimated 13,000 possibly years. Gorilla I can see and we physically can 1920s? Yeah. This guy is convinced that the giant sloths in the Amazon still live.

1:06:58 from the Captain Robert von Bering's Robert Von Berenji think of that Well, I mean, painting. I mean, that's not that long ago. Where was the guy from? They tried to make settlements in the Congo itself, but the jungle just swallowed everything. The Congo like you would have to Wouldn't win They don't go to the Congo. Yeah. Jesus. gorilla charges jesus and that guy that guy i would have flipped out yeah imagine being in a

1:10:32 The first one they shot? Yeah. Dude, Africa is still crazy. You have it for kids? Did you? He's just sitting there with a spear. I have a friend who went there, and he was on a hunting trip, and poachers were in the area. anybody it's not even tusk a lot of it is just meat it's like these people are just starving So anyway. You're shooting people and just leaving them for hyenas to eat.

1:13:31 apart. With that noise. Really big jaw look at that fucking thing. Look at the size Dude, look at the teeth on that thing. crazy the animals were in north america just you know a hundred thousand years ago they don't even in North America. Horses North America again, they had literally originally evolved in North America And they don't belong anywhere else.

1:16:41 The freaking koala bear. And then the cats got out of control. you can't swim in the ocean Africa spiders I'm a big fan. you're going to have to go somewhere where They do that, you know, in Australia. I'm not kidding, man. that would that's like a scene of a movie something goes down here yeah man millions of people going Is there a lot of desert there?

1:19:31 Official population is probably going to be a little under, but easily that many. Right? You know Mexico has a lot of people that a good percentage of their genes are Native American, honest where I I can see that a lot no I couldn't tell is that person Mexican or They had a thing called a short-faced bear. They were huge, like bigger than grizzlies

1:21:22 It's giant and it's chasing down a buffalo in this photo. It's scary, but it's also real He's half torn up already Shit, he probably weighs more than 500 pounds. on the plane the bear scene I thought they made it real how quick that can have they i thought they New Jersey's got a crazy bear problem. Went in the tent and just tried to jack him in his tent

1:24:45 That kid who got eaten at Rutgers. And they saw the bear. I didn't even know they ate men. They're a gangster. That's near my house. the... and they're big creatures. 300? That's a big ass bear to find swimming in your fucking pool. There's two wacky black ones. Jersey that walks on its hind They just don't do it very often. you would swear it was a giant gorilla.

1:27:29 be seven feet. Yeah. You don't underestimate the size of that thing. New Jersey's pretty rural. And the Jersey devil. It could be. the roof, See, here's the thing, right? It says don't go in the water. I lived in Gainesville. Look at that thing. Nobody hunted them. Look at this guy. There's some nutty number. It's not like you look at the baby deer with the mama deer and you go,

1:31:09 Where? Whoa! Wow, he's right next to it. I'll tell you right now, I'll fuck that alligator up. He's got like the end of the pool skimmer. it that's all it does they're coming too there's more of them now than they've ever been before If it was 73, you're probably about 5 years old, 6, 7 years old. 50 years from now. What is it gonna be like in? We will kill them Florida! We will kill

1:34:01 and something just... that big a couple times. because this is Oh, Jesus! Things it can eat. Let's say you see him you have to kill him because they're already they've already found. I believe they found four and Send them alligators. They throw it out their fucking back door. They get huge and they eat people. It's as fat as the pipe that your air conditioning comes out.

1:36:49 Those are the things that eat the wildebeest, right? But we don't have weapons. Get them pills. That's Oxy. Oxy. You've eaten them? Yeah. Yeah. Or probably just, yeah. 46 grams of protein per serving. Hold on a second. Dude, that's incredible. It's all muscle. Whoa. So why don't we just start fucking eating them? I'm asking. It only makes sense. Just imagine if we all found out that there's, like, a type of food that just makes you rock hard.

1:41:49 weird fairy tale idea what these things are. children. Oh, the gators. Yeah. And if you don't eat them, then there are going to be so many of them They do that. What would you rather have? I thinkhmm. What would you rather have? I've got 24 now for eggs. But you can pick them up. There's my chicks. reason because there's no chickens ever going to come out of those eggs because they're not fertilized.

1:44:26 And it'll take a long cycle. But otherwise, it's like a health problem. But my dog is a mastiff. They can fuck. labrador huh yeah coyote came over and fucked their dog man that was out here yeah like a dirty What the hell is that going to do? Yeah. Like an alien. the weird blue dog thing whoa what is that jamie i've typed in chihuahua wolf breed it's called a

1:47:50 they get its mites, and the mites, they develop this horrible skin disease, oh yeah i mean there's quite i mean it's probably in constant pain you You know? I mean, its skin is just all fucked up. They got mange. but once I started a couple months the chupacabra is I'm convinced there's aliens. Don't you think coyotes kill a kid? And she's going for a walk, and they kill her in the forest.

1:49:52 That's what they do. they start with your asshole. This moose was all fucked up, and half of its hindquarters were chewed off, Why does your brother just get torn up? You guys brought them here? It's genius. Hiking is too dangerous, sir. We need them stupid and electronically connected. but they're into like super hardcore music and I'm fascinated some of those guys are in their 40s.

1:53:17 Colliding. Do they really? Hmm. Um, I think we're all you know and then all of a sudden they come up and they're building Jesus Christ. We're gonna need about 40. These fucking things climb. Yeah, like to know that this is this experience right now is gonna fucking change the future of the world I go, how did we get from Is it, again, like the fittest?

1:56:50 and he promises the captain, where they who knows there's no weather report there was no iphone app they had no idea what Where they found, like, Roman coins or mint out of gold worth a billion dollars or something like that off the coast of this place or that place. do. and bleeding and the fucking boat just sinks to the bottom because they had You got to, oh, it's cool, dude.

1:59:45 and it just so happens they had a lot of gold We live in such easy times. It's not that long. to ultra prevalent her in front of everybody you're was the Game of Thrones editor. You're in that car. You just got to stay still and don't move. They would have told me if people had been eating before, right? It never runs out of ammunition Digs into your rib cage.

2:03:15 Right. Do you think that after shootings happen, the sales in guns go up? I wanted to ask if this is true. Oh, it does. It's way too well framed. Fabricio Verdum, Rafael Dos Anjos We feel your pain. See the line comes back into focus That's right. That doesn't make sense. because there's two of them if it killed two of them i think it would have killed one and ragdolled it around a little bit and then gone to the second one it would have taken longer

2:06:56 You know when I think about things like that, Joe, That's also like a smart video to make Right. That's what they do. It's like a cheap shot to me. In these enclosures. So he'll go under a tree and just lay there. It's fake. Oh, that's why it looked odd. Because nobody wants to go there, and nobody wants to hunt lions anymore because of the blowback that they experienced from the Cecil thing.

2:10:12 Remember that whole outrage was really crazy. yap about it before but it's a documentary about him. That's what it sounds like. Yeah, there was a recent, there's this guy named Jim Shockey. Some woman was washing clothes and got dragged into the water. And it talked about all the family members that had been terrorized, all the people they Well, you don't know the conditions they are in.

2:12:45 No, I really don't. And her Medicare kicked in, and all of a sudden, they're like, yeah, no, we're not taking Medicare. Just, I gotta talk to this kid So I'm not worried about fucking Cecil. But I like thinking about all of it. Well the actual it's fucking harder and harder There's going to come a point in time So the chiropractor, and now I'm going to take Ningcheng Pao, the new thing to come out from 8 in the morning to 9.30.

2:15:16 in Americans for more than 30 years now. A pen protector. You can't understand a word I wrote. She started getting lumps all over her body, all over her hands. it's awful when people go through it. I support her the dosage was Yeah. which fucking kills your dick like a fucking sniper. There's a website that charts them, Don't forget, you're a doctor now.

2:18:27 Forge? I believe you don't have to show me. She, so crushed. And he decided to simplify his life. But he thought he was slick. Look at this. Doctor's prescription. Wow. Look at that. That's my signature. He wrote it on everything. But he thought he was slick. read that. It's amazing. How much have we made in the last They should be well rested and taken care of.

2:20:23 How many a year? I was going to say 30 grand. It's crocodiles running across the land Oh, okay, this is 15 years ago, though. 98,000 people die. Yeah, no, it says methadate, which is, this is for a child. I just lost it. You. The man with the lab coat tells you that you need this. Sweetie, it's in a clipboard. Is everything covered? Methodone. When you look it up and it fiercely says, don't give this, and you go, well, it was

2:23:33 I'm going to buy a vacation home this summer after all my surgery money. Shut up, peasant. I've elevated my status. Would you like to come in my yard and see the new zebra and giraffe I just purchased? You mocked me What the fuck, man? They're the worst The fucking the beast the beast This guy's explaining to me elephants, everything. It's not a goddamn thing they

2:26:51 And so you have all these vegetables that you're growing Yeah. And the guy was like, actually, here's what goes on. and the guy was like, listen, they don't, dude, And I went through everything where it's going to knock over the vehicle and then just start smushing. This thing, once it started moving, there was no worry. Okay, So they just don't want people driving through, is that what it is?

2:29:34 They have crazy memories, apparently. I'm being serious. Fucking cobra. Imagine what a cobra, you're growing poison in your head and you shoot it out of your teeth. Yeah. Yeah. Like rattlesnake venom, anti-venom. Pretty sure they still do, though. I don't get all that. Our real problem is the cruelty to animals. Yeah, but don't you see that? You can go to any factory, anything.

2:32:32 Are you just going to bark? They're building walls in North Dakota. They're building walls in Wisconsin. They're building walls in North Dakota. And a wall over each individual state. Do-rags all of a sudden on that, but He's a rocker. Oh, that's strange. you anywhere you go. Beautiful man. All right, enough, Jamie. I'm in the system. No, I don't know.

2:36:00 What's going on there? He was glammed up. Full-blown hair. There's eyeliner. It's interesting to see them touring again now. They're dancing from a chair. And I noticed they weren't hitting each other oh no. This is But don't you think this is... It's just the whole thing. Wow. You can't dance anymore. They probably came at him with a baseball bat.

2:39:05 Yeah, they just broke his leg because he was so fat. Wow. So Axl just borrowed his left leg injury chair. while he did he fall off the stage or something Jesus Christ I like to he's a that thinks that Courtney Love killed Whenever you have reenactments, you're like, what? He plays the cop in the reenactments and it's reality sorry Jim Brewer and everything. You'd be part of the system. That would come out very soon. Don't tell him our secrets.

2:41:41 It's about time. Ta-da.