Joe Rogan Experience #814 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Yeah, The Crocodile. Yeah. It's like all the way over. tell dick jokes in them it's close this first tour. Oh, the first tour. Not East Coast? Oh, damn. Who did they steal it from? He calls me up and he sends me this YouTube video to listen to. Oh, yeah. But. Or it'll just get us pulled from the YouTube? This doesn't look good.

3:50 If this is just like four chords and they play in the middle of the song, oh wow. don't know shit about music and I know you don't either right this is the uh led zeppelin version we know Blues scale is probably what it is you're old as fuck yeah we should have been like Yeah. It's very strange. Why not? So I got a good head for it. It's over. If you have a flat back, that's the worst kind of head.

6:47 You know that heads weird heads are weird heads like a fake plate. It feels like chin because some people have like very small chins like the chin is tucked up in their neck and they they feel like it's unattractive i know chinless people it's weird brian keith head and she pops it loose and she thinks she broke your skull? And he's going to offer it to dudes with flat heads.

9:19 Thanks to No. Was that implants? this is obviously from... Oh, and they take it off. and your head is really flexible. So there was that. Tutankhamen medical issues. He had a cane and shit. Look at Leslie doing these ads. mitochondrial DNA to determine that Finally. how crazy is That one kid was fucked up. that was fine. They go, okay, fine. That's the most ridiculous aspect about it.

13:54 But who's in his ear, so you know she's a freak. Dude guy's in America killed all those guys killed their No. Well, people have definitely gotten away with it. To watch them laugh. For some people, it is. What if he gets mad and beats you up? They're just fucking nuts. The clutches of her father held her down Dahlia Doubleito, Don't believe that. They have you on camera, bitch.

17:02 I mean, there's a lot of people out there that are getting people whacked. I wonder if you met them, if you would feel that. Like that story, Jamie, that you were telling me about that they suspected some SEAL stabbed some guy after a fight. And well, they got in a fight apparently. kill you bitch i'm gonna see you on the street i'm gonna kill you and they say that to a navy

18:37 Yeah. hate them it could easily be a coincidence yeah the reason to the up the fight is what they were Hey. unreleased tapes of music that you never put out? And what if the music company And we ruin the legacy of one of the greatest artists of all time They're going to take food out of the mouths of your children. We can't sink this ship adult bodies with kids faces engaged in pornographic acts.

21:20 It's even more than what you're just saying. sexy pictures of his nephews in their underwear, But what is that one insider? stuff was used desensitize the children he added we identified five different so maybe he's still like... yeah like a claymation i was just gonna say Yeah, like some sort of artistic representation of the someone. She had her eyes widened and shit. That's her? Yeah. That wasn't a real life Barbie. So she doesn't look like a person. She had her eyes widened and shit.

23:53 No, that is not a real person. They're all saying a person that shape couldn't walk. Her eyes with a line under it. How old is she? Well, that's what she used to look like. She was ethnic looking. Yeah. Look at these eyes, man. Yeah, right? yeah that'd be way better oh fuck yeah dude they're probably gonna figure out a way to have Yeah. What do you mean they can't use it to make hair?

26:49 no i mean can they make that one with one that doesn't have a heartbeat no one that does when it's going to be in a hundred years yeah it's going to be impossible for us to imagine because And even if they make it like a fuck doll that has like a limited brain, Well how come that's not okay, it's not a real person how come that's not okay, but Xbox is okay I can't wait to go home and kill people

28:51 It's like three, four weeks. So some women who don't like dick, is that what you're saying? You don't get that. Look around. I was getting crazy. They don't want to believe. Feel free. Oh, it's so true god how weird that many allegations If he what? You know what I'm saying? No, you just have a picture of a guy, of a little boy's face. it seems like a release an urge gotta let him off. It's hard because you know what?

32:48 sell aspirin one at a time to prevent death yeah you should you have to go to the store and buy You're like, oh, I get more aggressive. what the county of Santa Barbara calls content that appears to be obtained off the internet That could be bullshit. He's not impartial. Here's the thing, right? but they were saying something about he showed up with a baseball bat

34:42 He had a bat with him like he was going to beat up OJ or some shit. Get the fuck out of here. Maybe he's into that Walking Tall movie. See? Ooh, shooting holes. I don't know if they proved it. That's what the prosecution kept telling the press said he did. Right? I don't know if they proved it. I heard it's awesome, though. Wow, relax. That's strong words. That'sly the best documentary ever made. Whoa.

36:21 But if the guy planted evidence, her blood on it quickly in the bag zip it tight take it over to the lab tested positive for I have another glove on too. A plastic glove underneath. Tell us when the verdict comes in. Fits great. All right. It's his son. But that's not that much. Those are murdering. Don't want to promote it. after Len Bias died. about the shit

39:31 Use them to get better drugs. Yeah, for sure. People use it as a bragging right. Yeah. Woo. Yeah, slippery rooftops. You're never in your dream. Inception. these people into right if the reality they're creating is that convincing I wanna go to the world That's it he remade his wife It's the same exact world. I've had dreams about cigarettes, and I wake up with a negative feeling like, fuck, I goddamn smoked again.

43:34 talk about like this desire even though you intellectualize the fact that it's chemical It climbs into your breath. it was a quick, Warm out, you know? no no no i made a mistake last night smart people smoke cigarettes no we should not have done that again. No. Come on, man, I'm You want to, ah, fuck it. No, you've already fully committed to smoking.

45:56 them before a show nicotine yeah because it's not no it's not nicotine you have to worry about Yeah. Gives you a little buzz. Uh-huh. Like the nicotine in that form is apparently more addictive in some strange way. I'm not sure if it is, but I think it is. But it's essentially Russell Crowe, taking a hit off those things it's different than a cigar or different than a lot of other ways that

48:31 That's like mental addiction. E-Health Forum. very mild addictive You have a draw quit seat cushions. but i thought it was bad for you at one point in time which has also been debunked caffeine when I was drinking, make sense tate loves coffee i'm so glad i never got out of that shit it's delicious it makes me Ari Shafir at the Comedy Store tomorrow night.

51:21 Get tickets at ari-shafir.com. on if not. Glorious. if you drive through the whole thing it was a full day we stopped in uh nashville and then Right, right, right. Based on its length and on people's arms xmas barn 2 30 friday well for people don't understand why he did that everybody Drunk seems as inebriating as any of the other stuff. A way worse category.

53:37 Not that I don't like booze. what's his name said the other side always takes, to sick people It's like really bad there. Regulation. Yeah. Or fake ID, or stealing from your dad. throughs and they'll just give it to us when we were 17 18 years old yeah they don't give a fuck Because they knew that the people involved in the civil rights movement a fact so it's one of those things where you know you hear like a alex jones type guy talk about it

57:03 retweet that no no I'm not I I'm not sure how they stop something like that. He's only put out stuff that's real. Yeah. I mean, this is what they're saying. Tell me if I'm right or wrong. Yeah. i fucking hate it when you talk about politics because you don't know shit you're right leave That's the only other option. I don't know. Jamie had a really good point.

1:00:50 So then it's too late for them to vote in the primary. It was all these people that were registered as independent. So that's one of the reasons why you see more support than he's actually getting. vote? How come a registered voter picking our candidates. But this is... state to state it literally matters depending on where you let's say you're like a tea party guy

1:02:43 You will not tax or tariff us. Not the people they should have talked for. You got to throw drinks at bitches' faces, claw their weaves off. Just having a nice conversation. So I think that's what happens. It just seems like this way has got to fucking melt down in front of our face until What? And by the way, when you become a registered Democrat, that's like being a fucking Raiders fan.

1:04:40 Stabby. Dude, it's edgy. Well, it's also to these fucking clubs, Remember that? Yeah, but these guys gave you a show. Fucking Vedder gave like three speeches, and he brought his daughter out and made us all sing Happy Birthday to her. This is a Bonnaroo show. That's a good way Let's go for it Fuck yeah that yeah yeah that was Dane no it was a different one but it was okay bill was

1:07:08 That's what they, at these festivals. I guess we can call them albums again. amazing stuff yeah it was so mellow and nice and a lot i told you about the time that um uh stone And were there 200 people there? You put up a video of it. Oh, my goodness! white surprise bristle behind him oh that's right where's that nine no um that was that i don't remember what it was and then stone temple pilots is in the video oh you don't get that now

1:08:54 Oh, right. He went for it more than you could ever have hoped. Dude, you can go both ways. yeah he might even be like a i'm just making things up now social justice warriors if that was a video of an actual body slam watch philly corn gorgon going for it yeah i don't know i don't why did i feel like he's conservative he went south he might be He got a hold of her.

1:10:59 Gavin did? I don't know. Why don't you Google it? What do you mean? You're the one. Oh, you're questioning him? He was married to Gwen Stefani. Yeah, but before that. I don't know. It might just be Billy Corgan. When she was at her height, she was such a wreck. And you're just reproducing it. Ooh. I'm at least not wrong. That was probably Billy Corgan. How dare you? I don't think he helped her with that album, though. How dare you? That was probably Billy Corgan.

1:12:15 With Bush. Some rockers, after a while, they just get beaten down by the pressure and fans and negativity and all that jazz. Yeah. they're going to kill it. Really? The guy from Iron Maiden runs around the whole time wow yeah i guess mccartney's older let me see if never got fat i mean he stayed skinny all these years. He didn't give a fuck. exaggeration for he works out like four times a week yeah i don't think working out every day is

1:15:38 You can't get it back. This guy on the podcast earlier, Shane Dorian, big wave surfer, great guy, really interesting Fucked his back up Personal trainer His workout routine he does Wow. He's been known to cover 12 miles on stage Somebody's like doing the replay on the map. That's what it says on here. He's not moving at all. They got greedy. They got greedy. They went too far.

1:17:56 He must have just put it up to add it. oh yeah also bigfoot all that shit bigfoot ufos all that stuff oh yeah that was like a lot of I mean, it's like a great lake. Mm-mm. of ponds go on land for a while to find another pond so like all the waters around it were contaminated that's a gar wow um but yeah so jeremy wade is his name anyway um there was a an animal in lake

1:20:06 Never reach in the air. Yeah, it seems like it. Look at the size of this. that's super similar to that that's in there could be somebody overhearing you in a bar like dude i'm Huge big ones are hundreds of pounds It's like, look at that one. Look at the size of that thing. It was estimated at what? Yeah, they take forever. That was a great time. Oh, really?

1:23:16 trout and stuff like that little lake stuff it's like they're better fresher like right away like Get that hot grease going. Just gently. are you doing it all like in a cast iron frying pan overlooking a river Nice. They're like a monster. not a uh it's not a regular northern pike. That is amazing. flying through the air. thank god our ancestors wiped all those fuckheads off that would be an unfair

1:26:30 Oh, really? Logan Eagle snatches kid. And he swoops down, grabs the kid, and and flies off and the guy chases after him and they even went to the ground with the camera that's so good oh my god This tape that we took got lost for about a week with all the hubbub of traveling and stuff. All right, go to the to the Oh here it is But I just love the fact they're filming for no fucking reason Just filming a guy on his phone Got like a little cookout going on. Oh, he set it up so good.

1:28:18 What is that? See if you can find it. Come on, be right here. Run, John! That's so dumb. How bored is he? You know why? Boston people. It's so unnecessary. He's trying to get He made a movie, a horror movie. Just randomly. He was a director. The Willow Creek movie. That's cool. My mom is not a dude fuck bro why don't you concentrate on the smart part um he's um you know

1:32:12 he would shove his head in the couch so he couldn't breathe like he couldn't scream and the and it's so well done. And he's a good dude, too. Said, it's time for you guys to become a woman. Come on. it's shocking yeah but i know i wouldn't say i'm surprised there's a real piece of shit manager they had and just but would you be surprised that like some crazy showbiz manager

1:34:25 and she said he raped her. Like, that's crazy if it's true. If it's true, that's horrible. Yeah, he's definitely denying it. i know people that have had false rape accusations i know them right now i was going through it in You're not going to believe. People don't really like to apply that to rape. Mean we know that people have done horrible shit I'm not bringing that up.

1:37:31 That's why she's suing him is because she can't supposedly make music because of the contract she has with that guy. But I thought she, well, in my I'm just saying but you had a six-fight contract, how dare you not let him go? to get out of a shitty contract. could not be telling the truth. Or no? But if the idea of, if in any way, shape, or form, she's telling the truth of forcing her to work with somebody.

1:39:53 Like, think of it as a comic. What's that mean? Gerard Carmichael? What's new girl he was that show new girl with uh whatever his name is zoe de chanel to some sitcom. He's got balls. And what if the direction of the show becomes more corny? was terrible there was some some some episodes where it was just unbelievably and what you feel And so you're doing this.

1:42:19 My point was. work a certain hour amount of hours in the day would you expose your child to that well i had and you'll just get filled with this, like, Yeah. If you're lucky. outliers And you're going to expose your kid to that. I know a couple of them. Yeah. That's what it's built. I mean, not saying that the child star you know, like Tara Reid or something like

1:45:58 And it's just like, all right, you guys are never going to relate to actual people. That was too low a car. Oh, it was fucking beautiful. You can watch full Bruce Lee videos while you're driving. what is this well i was ahead of the curve when it came to marijuana drinkables. It tastes pretty good. Even to this day, most people don't understand. Because those barbarians that live on the east

1:48:32 That's not a very good in-between. Dude, all you have to do He takes a thousand. That's close. Do you remember one of those Los Hermanos You just carry torches as your regular. Yeah, it doesn't affect me that way. No, that's with the people. I've seen lower fat than me though probably yeah I'm lighter than I've been in a long time know but my point being i get blasted yeah like when i eat i get it has nothing to do with body

1:51:05 That was for acid mushrooms. Call it, you're on. Leave your fruit at home, you pussy. Got the candy diabetes. So he's just eating way too many carbs. If you're going to do like a carbohydrate rich diet, you really got to mix up a lot count but it does in the way your body processes food. It doesn't know. to us. Your body doesn't know what the fuck it's processed or not all right let me ask you. I gotta pee. Can I pee in the spring bottle water?

1:54:17 He's gonna pee. Folks, that's the first time anybody's peed on the pocket. I'm not done. Dude, that's a lot of pee. If you want it, we're going to put it on eBay for poachers. All the UK people listen to you. They don't see it that way. October at Cap City. your spotlights and like full circle thing We don't do that here. American standup comedy. Maybe 22.

1:56:35 You don't know? But you'll have a good time anyway. What a communist a little bit of a certain things It's just like part of it. Yeah. america right i don't know if it would work over here like that yeah but they're right because They're like, I mean, it was just we got to get the fuck out of here. That's it for the week. Watch This Is Not Happening when? Oh, it more like theater there. What? Yeah. All right, folks. We got to get the fuck out of here.

1:58:13 This Is Not Happening. Sorry, sorry.