Joe Rogan Experience #841 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 We're gonna build today ladies and gentlemen we're gonna start slow and Italian-Italians, guys walking down the street on his cell phone. Have you seen Well, there's this guy in Italy and all he does is take videos of him and his super hot Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's his page. I'll tell you. thing. A little bit more. And she's and he's in great shape too man look at her feet beautiful feet

3:34 out there it's hard they took down chris brown yeah what happened i just saw that he was uh Yeah, and they didn't have a warrant, but they were surrounding his house, Like, they're responding like this is an armed, dangerous guy. there was more people there that uh the story i heard was that a friend of his had a bunch of jewelry out and oh at the party and her and her friend went to look at the jewelry and

5:10 Sketchy all around, right? And he's keeping it real, essentially. Yeah. They would be crazy not to. But R. Kelly was peeing on people I can't tell black people who are it I just realized that Jesus Christ. Isn't that crazy? Like, what the fuck, man? R. Kelly is our age. He's 49. No. It's all about him getting You know, people own their property. Like 15 feet long.

7:53 And Facebook took my account down for like three days. I don't think it was correctly done. I mean, maybe I put a link up to the video, but I definitely didn't upload the video. Right. So this part is not on YouTube, right? He loves them tabs. and he says, I'm just going to be real. I was at a club with who? another girl's braiding his hair. Back that up.

10:56 oh shit When I was down, and I used to write for a show. He didn't write a book. It was like... fly yeah so he's got a good voice yeah oh he's got a great voice yeah he's got a great voice but get there? That's a good question. It's like a natural ecosystem. Yes. They've heard about it They smell it I mean, like they're in the wild. Yeah, like Louis Thoreau, when he does these documentaries, he goes to a place.

14:40 But after a while, the best footage came out of this guy just getting like really pissed like forget about the world well what about the ultra rich go into a country club in west palm It's all happening in that fucking steam room. You almost have to play golf. Yeah. Jesus Christ. It's like polo people. and you got your exercise in. And then each one gets a comedian added into the group just to fuck around and, you know, entertain.

18:08 Yeah, ruddy. a bunch of those older guys that get that from the booze and the heavy booze that newt gingrich So I'd have two of those. I weighed about and I, He goes, I just put his bags down, You know where it's going on right now? And it's bar after bar after restaurant after bar after bar after bar after bar, Okay? Yeah, it's a good movie. Him and his buddies were having like a water fight and he was hammered.

21:16 Yeah. That's what I would do if I was 20 years old were getting upset because him and the guy were throwing water at each other and they were almost my mom was screaming at him before we got in and then it was was like a terror. You know that painting, The Scream? And I remember crying. Oh, yeah. See, I haven't had it fully explained to me because I've read it both ways.

23:45 Oh, really? It's undeniable that certain cultures, like ours, like the Irish, the Italians... And, you know, when that happens, I think people act out. Yeah, I can not do it. And the drunkest I've been in recent memory has been on this podcast. We got lit to the point where my tongue started getting heavy. You know, like, but they make these like really heavy ones.

25:29 Go for as long as you want. He's hilarious. so, it was so not good. It hasn't come out yet. Yeah. and they shoot more black people Let's find out what those numbers are so we can talk about it and know exactly what we're saying. And we're looking at the stories of all these cops in all of these cities, in all of these counties, in all these states, all over the country.

28:00 Yeah. it's just there's been some really damning videos of them doing it to black people. Okay, let's look at the actual numbers. which brings black men into more frequent and more fraught encounters with the police. It's saying there is a trend. going to have this conversation or i would have huh that's interesting because that you know i Dude, I don't know.

31:32 And now I feel like there's almost like gun coveting. And it's their right. Everyone's going to have a gun. The guns have out-fucked us. Wow. I can't believe you went there. Or right. Yeah. Who's the star of it? he's fucking great. He's awesome. I'm seeing that. The Road? Yeah. I love that you have Could use the work. Viggo Mortensen. Viggo Mortensen. Oh, he's fucking great.

34:18 Yeah, I wish I would go over these notes. dude I can barely make my mark are deciding You're like, what the fuck is that word? of ups and downs. but it's always at the letter next to it. over the lowercase J. I barely knew you were supposed to do it. Yeah. It's so weird when you look at Russian. Yeah. And how about the other one that looks like Red Dragons, like the Jason Ellis logo?

37:44 Oh, that's a vagina. So they have a different attitude. How dare you? What is this? Is it going further? No. Okay. I mean, it's basically an acknowledgement of how much could be accomplished I think a Flemish, like Flemish. And they live in the Netherlands. The people of Flanders. So what the fuck? Flemish, also called Flemish Dutch, Belgium Dutch, and or Southern Dutch, refers to the varieties of the Dutch language spoken in Flanders, the northern part of Belgium.

41:00 I know. And we don't know their language. Yeah, they, uh, well, I've been to South Africa, and they speak Dutch there. These white racist people living in South Africa, surrounded by black people. I think the French might have been there. Look, there's fucking lions and people are... If you pass Africa and the Africans went to the dark lands and there's just monsters tearing

43:04 up. Yeah. Yeah. And while they were there, I thought it was hippos. And then the police. Hey, man, you don't understand the ecosystem. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, folks. Relax. There's like four deaths a year in the world from shark bites. Buffaloes supposedly reportedly kill as many people in Africa as hippos and crocodiles. Yeah? Dude, they're terrifying. They run in herds. I'll find the shark thing. They call them the black death. Yeah?

45:54 Yeah. And all they have to eat on this island lion photos. It's a fucking incredible And Okay. I would believe that. No, scared. It's just too fucked up to require that. You don't need malaria. No kidding. That's Zika stuff, man. Why? It's just one day there's going to be some insurmountable biological threat to people. I guess that's just the system that nature runs on.

50:47 tubes. Racing against the disease when they were trying to figure something out. Yeah. What ebola we got it we got it yeah we got it like like they got the rebels overcame But there's a video of him where they have him and they're yelling, Allah, Allah, Allah, they start sticking things up his ass, like swords. Am I right? It looks like he's slamming his fist down on him.

52:54 and he's freaking the fuck out, I don't remember. This guy was a huge dictator that ran his country for a long time and killed a lot of people. It's fucked up that we like, that this appeals to us. the people that he's been subjugating there's something very poetic about that i think there's They're just not trying to be as objective as possible. Exactly. Learning experience.

55:42 At this point, I took the safety off my weapon. It's a weird system. I watched like two episodes. and that's like, they're at a bar that bad guys. We put down today. Everybody's what they're called. We put down. We put down one of the bad guys. Clink. Yeah. No, I love that you threw that in. I was going to say people suck at some things. They're supposed to be on the ground, interacting with people, making connections, getting people

59:08 look at the overall picture there's got to be a way to do it better than they're doing it right now Did you hear about that? And also, when you do as much acid as that guy does, but to think that the only way, unless somehow or another they think of selling drugs. It doesn't sound like the other charges were violent. And that's a lot of people are getting fucked up off that.

1:01:25 Yeah. Like something as small as an ant build or dissolve or take. Fucking crazy. I knew a couple guys that changed. And I think some people just go super deep, man. It's the quote. A fire ant that could take down the Empire State Building in 30 minutes. I believe that was the original thing. Like, dude, And it got into his skin And that's where acid was born.

1:04:10 Do you know who was involved in one of the Harvard asset studies? Ted Kaczynski was a part of one of those asset studies. They blew that guy's brains out. Yeah, he lost his fucking mind. Wow. before then. Yeah, just book after book. Oh, my God. Some people, it's one shot and And my mom is crazy. Are you telling me a crazy casino story? No, no, you won it.

1:07:21 And then she got run down one time by a guy who had just won. Broke her hip in the aisle of the slots. And just smashed her to the ground? I wonder if there was a lawsuit. I mean, it doesn't seem like her nature to sue, but at the same time, the insurance company might make her. that's so awful man you're an older woman and some big fucking stupid dude runs you over

1:08:56 Yeah, what the fuck, man? You know, you're getting your highs and your lows. it's like you're getting one stroke of your dick Yeah. How much do they make? I think it's a union If you're one of the eight people working in an hour I'm just saying it's how it works. when they're over it get them the fuck out that's the problem. I think they work too long.

1:11:55 I don't stick to my ideas, folks. You know what a great fucking, for none of the above. It's a really good idea. Remember those? And I guess you have to have these really clear rules when you're all talking. you never say you. But they have to talk third person about each other. Oh, the best. No, not really. I don't trust a politician that's not fucking somebody on the side.

1:14:49 We are following a procedure. The gentleman is providing cover for his colleagues rather than doing the right thing. procedure, the gentleman will observe Because that's what he's saying. He's a bad motherfucker. You're gonna sit the fuck between every phrase. Because that's what he's saying. Yes. Yeah. But that was before he was president, right? Listen, another one.

1:16:50 yeah we almost want to pretend that people like that like these crazy fiery people that get he's weird. She took him back. It's pitiful the second time. that he has this compulsion to just chat with girls online like that and send dick pictures Why, if you want to be that, go for it, that's fucked up things because they're just putting themselves out there well also because a lot of

1:19:18 childhood and how you were You know, where it was like, you know, You had your jet smoking in front of Oh my God. That seems like everybody gets that one. Yeah. You're smoking cigarettes every day for three months? I really could. And he's like, there's so much misinformation when it comes to heroin withdrawal. He's like, it's more psychological right and there's there's so much more going on about

1:22:33 And that's how he kicked it. personalities but i think the problem is is just because you kick the drug you're now back to I smoked a cigarette or two with my sister when I was like 15 and she was 14. And it echoes in this crazy way. It doesn't get much better than that, sadly. But there's a kid who was in my neighborhood who killed somebody drunk driving, killed his best friend while we were all in high school together.

1:24:50 Hey, we've got to find a place to party. Yep. Luckily, I wasn't drinking that much because it was like right when I had just started Did he survive? You killed your best friend. fuck all this yeah fuck pot i didn't want to have nothing to do with anything anything that was You can change whole communities with one action. It was crazy. thing chapaquiddick bridge where he was drunk and his car went into the water and his girlfriend drowned.

1:28:38 Kapinski. That's great. That's something he had to carry with him right or not some people Yeah. Other than your wife. Fuck flying And his dad, was I even 14? veins it would be so cold out this guy would be just standing around talking to people with a t-shirt on. He was like an old school sort of survivor type dude in a lot of ways. son was learning how to take lessons so i went up with him so we were like you know we were fucking

1:31:54 Yeah. you a ride yeah like hey you going to the improv can i go with you yeah sure and you get in a car I do think that the character-building aspects of driving in a place where your car could break down or get stuck in the snow and the ice like that we experienced when we were kids i think there's something that i really benefited from Yeah. Wow.

1:33:48 It's shining. My bag was packed. Yeah, that road from, like, is it Portland to Bangor? Okay. Yeah. I'm fucking there. hirsch used to have a bunch of them but norm lefoe had one i believe it was in maine and it was But some of those gigs, like the Bangor one, And no fucking GPS. We had a map and a prayer you know Giggles, I know they loved you early on, right?

1:37:12 Lenny Clark is a monster. and I worked at Jay's in Pittsfield. I got off stage, and Mike was like, off! Yeah. When you were talking How many Fitzies did we know? Fitzgerald, Fitzpatrick, Fitzsimmons, Fitzsimons. Boston's so still to this day. on the West Coast, like Puerto Ricans. They got style. to hang out with, is very common. Yeah, it's not a bad group of people by any stretch of the imagination.

1:39:59 I mean, it's really like they're from over there. Like, look at your name, you fuck. married to a woman who is guilty of Why would you not let her in? Candle. but you're not going to touch them so who cares Where was it? She's Flemish. And all of a sudden, they sent her to New York and she fucking was booking work. A man who can close. They're wrapped around his ankles.

1:42:51 And tweeting at Rosie O'Donnell, I work on my pussy I'm here to squeeze The one thing that I like about makes sense to people. It already has they've got to lighten up on some of these social issues like abortion, gay marriage. Invaders. They're taking all the good jobs. and you can't get out and they can hold you. Those brownies with their El Cucaracha music, drinking that tequila down south of the border.

1:45:48 and you're like, fuck that, keep him over there. I was in Seattle the other day, and it translates it on your phone. It'll read a fucking menu. it's immediately translating it in real time back to you back to you right you just put an iPhone ear thing on That's crazy. I'm fucking buying one tomorrow. God damn, this is an amazing time to be alive when it comes to this stuff.

1:47:48 I need to talk to my friend Steve Hilton. And now he runs this thing over in America. I haven't talked to him about it. And I understand that some people think it's racist, but I don't know enough of it to have an opinion. See, but this is what I'm saying. You can move to wherever the fuck you want. Right, but is Russia considered Europe? No. Okay, I'm white.

1:50:15 Allegedly. not in Europe. No more. But Dan Carlin covers it like it's a masterpiece. It's five episodes. It's a mind-blowing story. But Dan Carlin covers it. The crazy shit was how much they conquered. while more Russians live in the country's So is that all that? You don't know? It's like hipsters that are dressing like they're from the 1800s And that's why when you look at all the different kinds of languages that exist in that one area.

1:53:15 So you've already paid a commission to get your money into French francs. it made everything way easier No, I don't think England ever converted. We've got these lovely pictures of an inbred queen on our five quid note. get the whole thing and make it one might not be in our lifetime might be a hundred years You know, they'd just fucking float on over,

1:55:26 Rio. But Kansas would be change debate, You can go through periods where North America is covered in a mile-high sheet of ice like was the case 10,000 years ago. Those were plowed over by giant glaciers that just smushed the earth. part of this global warming The reality is this fucking planet is volatile. In a side you take. the size of this room. And all these little fish in here fucking making new fish. And then we throw

1:58:39 And they keep doing this. And they're just international waters. Yeah. Like, wow, keep that thing alive. Yeah. Makes sense, man. for international uh fishing yeah there is this is i was looking at part of the problem with the That's interesting. That's a good question. Just fucking stack it up. Look at that. And see how the seawall has like those little vents where water can come in and water can come out.

2:02:58 Sucks them into her water. it says this added 144 miles of shoreline Dude. Whenever I see a young kid in a Ferrari driving down Beverly late at night, Arabian plates. A million dollars. isn't that one of those things where it always accelerates? Like everything continues to accelerate. And just have some baller pad in Beverly Hills. Well, if you're a girl and you are, what's a nice way to put it?

2:06:30 Yeah, solid. And just setting it up. Oh, yeah, that's right. in Hollywood. They tell him which cool bar he's got to go to, which restaurant. Look at him. That's the hookah. him. Wait, you talked to him? I don't know watches that well. I wonder what the most sought-after woman is among those guys. and he pulls his what do you go speak English and how many of them speak English?

2:09:18 Bunch of mucky sluts. That was a song, wasn't it? on her page don't blow her up she's a freak you can't stop freaks yeah that's a whole thing those It's opening next week. They fucked him. Like it is a weird thing. 80 to 90%. Yes. Dopamine. Let it go. Yeah, I did ecstasy once, and I never did it again. And it like gives you like a, Oh, reason and me weird shit that i would trip on for no reason that makes you wonder like how much time

2:13:25 And I went to the supermarket, and I stopped in line to put my stuff on there's this national choir thing that says i sold coke to matt lauer You deserve it. Yeah. He's sitting there and he's got one arm up. I was like, oh, Larry, Larry, you gotta lift some weights. Stallone is what, 65? I didn't know he had that kind of bank. He likes it I guess X rated cheating scandal

2:16:00 Well, it's almost like they just take darts and they have two different targets. And they get sued all the time for making shit up. How rude. how so? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. 140 million. like that? I think he said something about black guys they asked him something and he gave this like really defiant response you know like i i'd And then they sued him personally, too.

2:19:22 nowhere it's like in the fucking brambles and you go and it's and then everybody runs I'm like maybe he's not fucking around Guys in suits and briefcases getting handies in a sweaty windowless van. DeLarino responded, four. it's probably on coke let the guy go it's probably uh doing antidepressants lots of cocaine right Remember, he was fucking wired, too.

2:21:36 Like, a guy raped him with a dildo. So he did something to this guy's sister? That girl's gone wild. There's plenty of shit that you could watch that's way more crazy than Girls Gone Wild Girls Gone Wild. Well, I've got a diagram, and there's a theory, Einstein's theory. who copped a plea and is currently serving So this guy's out too then. The whole thing is weird.

2:24:07 Yeah, please do. It's rowdy. There's something bizarre about them out of each other. Yeah, but what if She's done. Oh, fuck me, baby. He was definitely in shape. While you pretend you're hiding. I've walked next door and stood right outside the door. Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do. Oh, so you don't even know the guys? Really? It's like a great restaurant. Right. Flappers? That place is really good. What about Flappers? I haven'tacey's Comedy Magic Club. Oh, yeah, that's good. It's excellent.

2:26:51 Yeah, Flappers is really good, too. Yeah, they had, like, rusty saws on the wall and stuff. in the corner. Make sure the waitresses take one side of that overall off the shoulder. Yeah. Alberta. No, this is going to be back in L.A. Right. I know. Well, actually, Cleveland I am. From where? You know, I know you. and then they all start going out to the clubs in massive waves like fucking uh like uh

2:30:21 Guys like you, guys like... I just want to meet a husband. Just want love. She had her first baby naturally. Baby, I know I got three or four eggs left. Just a deep hemorrhoid that leaked from her asshole into her vagina through the wall. i used to date this fella and he had a hook like dick yeah sure No, look. He put surveillance cameras in the bedroom

2:33:27 He was breaking it off with her. Stanhope, he wasn't there when it all went down. Watch this. Damn, that is a woman out of control. the cops you come out he left he just left five minutes ago he just messed up wow meanwhile he And I got out, and they just, like, checked me out. You clever fella. The cameras Oh, you remember that movie, Jamie? But VHS is just a horror movie.

2:36:24 And she meets this guy at a bar Well, there's a bunch of those Sirens movies. you're vulnerable yeah but she likes him and she keeps saying i like you i like you and she goes to suck his dick and No shit. He has like glasses on where he can see it. Releases in theaters December 2nd, 2016. in VHS. No, not this Yeah, it's like this one part. It's really scary and fucked up and like wild and it gives you all these feelings like ah

2:39:10 She's like, I like you. Wow. Yeah. If there was just a small percentage of of women that when you fucked them they became I'm telling you, that's a demon. There would be girls that would pretend to be demons so they can get guys. No shit. it's less than 1% of 1%. Used condoms because he died of AIDS? Yeah. It's a living thing you're hosting. Yeah. What?

2:42:31 God, you're so... Is it hot in here? Let me check my voicemail. Isn't that how Al Capone died? and it just reminds you of like back then, nobody used a condom. which had been reduced to six years and five months So yeah, syphilis got him. I mean, it's not going to talk to you. die from the flu. Nobody's out there throw them on and there's crosses everywhere

2:44:52 here how many people ever like over the course of human history have died from vd how many millions Tearing it up. I had a guy on my podcast a long time ago who is a biology at the University of california berkeley and he does not believe that Yeah, his name is Duisburg. You need one of those buttons. I think it's part of your charm. This Duesberg fella

2:46:59 And he believed that the cause of the It just doesn't make sense. I don't understand it. They're like, blood is on your hands. you're going to take it in the ass anyway. for your own actions, you son of a B. so that you could have someone to counteract his claims. He had a thing in Spin Magazine. HIV doesn't even cause AIDS, bro. It was like this article

2:49:39 Those things are really sketchy and dangerous for people like you or I and I saw the classic fucking move out of a movie, out of a John Hughes movie. So then I go home that night. And it went away. Just went home and slept. That bitch. Any reason to keep away from you when you're young. peck the shit out of that duck and kick it into the pond. just to keep it a secret,

2:52:37 and she goes home early and then she fucks you. Yeah. A fucking disease can change the course of your life. Think about that. You become an outcast. Yeah. Clean dick after a while. the Kowloon in Saugus. what it was, and reading some funny shit it looked like a Facebook message They gave him like 500 bucks a week, and they would just work him to death.

2:54:52 he was in, you know? and he was such a character. Because if you weren't performing, you were watching good comedy. becoming a professional stand-up comic, People have short attention spans. Get to the point. what is it, 10,000 hours, Malcolm Gladwell that was that was us getting our 10 000 hours yeah and it's really like for like it was a program never made any fucking money

2:57:24 right Yeah. you could be at any given bar at any given night and hear Sweet Home Alabama. Yeah. pass in our lifetimes, Bad Company. Hey. There's like four songs that are like that they're about like uh you know here's a It's like if Bruce Springsteen is anywhere in New Jersey, like at a sporting event, and They didn't like him. why are they booing John Cougar Mellencamp?

3:00:47 Whoa. And then you get older and you just have to respect. There's something about a guy who can even pull this off that I cannot root for. He has a sleeveless shirt on. this is ridiculous. This fucking shitty car with bad brakes. Mellencamp's not going to sell. You are a cougar. Like, did he get married? He did? Interesting. Right. breaking yourself off into a team this is like those guys that are like men's rights guys

3:04:41 You get these locked in ideologies, and that's a big one, man. That's a big with a good friend of mine about it recently, where he much more high risk. They were working longer hours. So you're comparing women who worked on Walmart was paying the same job, they were paying women less. Yeah. Everybody loves to say those numbers. You're in maternity leave,

3:07:28 I don't know about that study. money like if she's that good if she's competing with men and going right up against them this is numbers, a lot of it is the choosing of different paths in life as far as careers. That's why this Oh, it's crazy. well i want to be like you know i think now you've got some big corporate CEOs, the woman that wrote that book, Lean In, and from whatever.

3:10:03 It's interesting, man. She sued someone, I think it was Google, I don't know if it was frivolous, but it lost. It's hard. and I think it's more productive. Look, it's impossible to generalize in big, broad, sweeping brushes, you know, the difference interesting can't string the words together correctly. God damn. Finish. Go home. Phone under the pillow, asshole.

3:12:58 Went out there and did a little archery. We gotta play some motherfucking pool. October 16th. I'm in! Oh, fucking great. I'm in! Oh, fucking great. I'm doing this now I'll get to it. Go see him live.