Joe Rogan Experience #85 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 This special edition of the Joe Rogan Experience, like all of the episodes of the podcast, is sponsored by the number one male sex toy, the Fleshlight. the second edition It was a fun trip. And we did this show in Rudy Hill place in Sydney itself. That's what we liked about it. That's 11 hours later. you fill a comedy club up in a few hours with tickets i've

3:15 There's never been a time in history where, you know, a guy like you, an independent comedian, You couldn't figure out what Chris Rock, what movie that was from, We couldn't figure out what movie it was. So we put it on Twitter, and seconds later, it's amazing. needed radio stations, TV stations, and all that stuff still helps. It's like in real time, people are seeing it, and then the word is getting out.

4:57 Because, I mean, how many times, like, back in the day, before there was, like, internet just from a few decades ago, But here's the deal. It's too simple. where it looked like was corny as fuck. It's horrible. I'm clearly that guy. You know, something's happened. watch star wars again it's so sad everybody's like why did star wars three and four why they

7:15 times he had seen it. Oh, my God. My two year old would do. I said I was going to do that with Inception, but then I never did. The way they set up the environment where the sky could fold over itself and back down. That was brilliant. I know I'm supposed to accept that this is a dream. You know what freaks me out, man? I mean, I think they've done it

8:59 And hope the power doesn't go out in the middle. He was gone. happen in our lifetime? You're like, yes. Because what artificial intelligence is going to be is like, they're going to have a computer that can think much, much faster beat the jeopardy guys so and then the ones that beat the chess players back in Just something simple to calculate. I don't know I don't understand chess enough but I cut a lot of something but I would think it'd be any sort of

11:16 I think they have two minutes for the full game. I know nothing. I take And I see people that get addicted to chess. I don't have any more time for any more compelling shit in my life. I don't allow myself to play video games. you won't see me at like 5 p.m. Do that and know how damaging it is, but still. What is it about the games, though, that make you so addicted?

13:30 Yeah. So I had to unsync my movie collection because I like watching movies on this thing. So I had to unsync my movie collection We looked on the actual phone while I was writing something and then you you go back to it and it's One megabyte. Little tiny things, man. I wonder if there's a 64 gig I know there's... twice as big now. It shut off. I bet it will. They sell movies.

16:45 It would be nice if you had a storage drive too. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like people They said, we're just not having them. Floppy drives are so stupid. You get three? Was that like 100 megabytes then? Yeah. You didn't get that? No. So you just went AT&T U-verse just for the internet? You're an animal, dude. It was crazy. Yeah. And you go and you play for hours

19:54 Mrs. Rogan was... That's a lot of bending over. I mean, you'll get tired at the end, I'm pretty flexible so it doesn't bother me. A hundred percent. And it really is true, man. So it's like one of those things where you can't just play pool for five minutes. Yeah, man. we'd be out all night, you know. He'd be like, you play two games, Neurosis and attributes.

22:59 It takes work. He's got the bar set really high. There's arguably two places There's a lot of great comics in LA and there's a lot of great comics Yeah, the number one cool pop-in spot There's a lot of good comics that are always working out. because the comics, They can do more sets. Well, not really. and you move, once I came to L.A. That's the best place to work out.

25:37 a certain type of comedy that you do. place. once where he was Yeah. Like if you would There's a lot of 10s going on, you know? But then, at some point, you know how to get the crowd on your side. So then at some point you know how to get the crowd on your side. So then it becomes like into good material and then going on and getting the crowd cramming, how to close strong, over, over, over. thinking of ways, you know, cramming. How to close strong?

27:37 And Boston did at one time, but I don't know if it does anymore. That's a crazy thing to see. I did a show in Portland. I don't know what we're doing. Oh, he gave me two. This is the part of the podcast that sucks. We'll be right back. You want to say something? Don't talk about his wife. It's just some guys who don't know him at all. You're the coolest guy.

30:21 Are they like pool halls? Same kind of thing? Wow. Hmm. Yeah. Okay, so I just gave you the 7 ball. but that wasn't the point. Just five bucks. like, okay, and you run down there to the sportsbook as fast as possible, come running deliberately, although people accuse me of it. And once you're in there, I have to look at you for what your flaws are, what your strengths are, what your weaknesses are.

32:49 I'm a Dennis Seaver fan. it's, You think they would tell you? Being a Vegas-based organization? You would think, right? Maybe they would say you really can't. No. But I wonder if it would be against some sort of law if I gambled on it. The people shouldn't be, fucking gamble on fights. I would say I'm probably You have better knowledge of the game.

33:57 Yeah, yeah. all I get from them not Anderson Silva. Vanderlei Silva. I'm like, oh, I guess Chuck looks good then. He was the first one of MMA that was on there for like a while. Oh, the last fight. and it's also the reason why when your career is over, it's over. but people for whatever reason don't, don't love those tactical guys. Right. I don't know, man. All these years

37:06 Wow. Oh, a thousand fights. My math was like... But either way, it's been so many fights that it's almost like they blur. This year, while they were doing it, this season, I was super busy. Yeah, that'd be interesting Because then you get your workout in yeah especially on some shows What a crazy way to try to make a living, huh? have to fight. interesting.

39:22 Yeah, they fight That fight. Really? I never 155er. So he just walked at like 182 and said, fuck it. Just walked in all fat and shit. You're an honorary Jew. It's crazy, man. He just wants to do it. That's what he wants to do. Grant Hill was like that. He was so mad. Wow. more boring to a lot of people than baseball. It's a lot of people. And baseball is boring.

41:57 You know? Dude, that is the weakest shit ever, man. You know, when people talk about being quitters, Take one thing at, like, eight years old and, like, that's what I'm going to do forever. what the fuck you like it can't be dependent on somebody. Harris Pete said he was friends with Gretzky Wayne, tell my son how important it is to practice every day.

43:40 You can't make someone want to practice. Do something else all the time, I know some guys that do, But like Max, and you know, Yeah. So the worst guy in the NBA makes $125,000 a year? You know, what I was saying about watching that chess, the speed chess, You play a race to 10, but you also have a clock. but you would lose a certain amount That would make safety shots so much more powerful.

45:46 shit if that ball I've lost giant there used to be a I think like I think like seven minutes and 30 seconds is what like the Corvette ZR1 does. So and he had this badass time. Like, he knew how to do it good, because he was Star Fighter or some shit like that. Really? The physics of those games are really pretty lifeline. They make it really the others with flight simulators like that. Yeah

48:16 Let's roll on the front. into the game? Well, they have professional exact topography. Yeah. That's going to be crazy. Yeah. You'll be able to recreate the Like a laser tag place. indoor golf before Man, I'm so excited about what the hell is going to happen. Nothing new. and affect your life, not that much stuff. This is a bigger leap than just a phone.

50:59 Yeah. All through the air, just walking around, click, click, click, click, click. Yeah, and talk to people and video conference And Shazam, just the fact that it has Shazam on it. Wow. So I got scared You can go up to it this online, ladies and gentlemen. I got fully scared of the wallaby that's allowed to go you'll only want one cup I guess we should

53:04 Zen dispensary. It's a good idea, especially for long flights. The Skeptic Tank. And, of course, Doug Benson and everybody seems that's what we'll do that's what it is And everybody's supporting everybody. I was like, all right. but it's well over 200,000 people are listening to each individual one. You can listen to it by just downloading the file from my website.

55:34 we got some cool motherfuckers that are coming to the shows too they know enough about you and like they don't like their act, and so they hate them. Even Carrot Top. It's so much better now because you can actually appreciate the small things you can relate to in their heads. You know, I was telling you, I hung out with him very briefly way back in like, shit,

57:31 It might not be my favorite kind of comedy, but I think he's funny. It's like, really? People, I think, It's so dumb. And I think that's responsible really promote this idea Mega Ditto's, meaning you ditto, meaning That's what they really do. It's just like being a fanboy of anything else. These libs are going to do this. But then, you know, clearly know nothing, but I'll tell you this, that I

1:00:18 The problem with universal health care is that doctors get fucked over. That's what I'm worth. I am all for That's the guy you want. to go chase after and be the best surgeon. better 9.9 out of 10 yeah it's better so just i use that for almost everything yeah if you have Don't be stupid. because it's a piece of shit. There's only a certain amount of things you can think about in this life.

1:02:20 Windows? Do you? I understand. People have windows they're being attacked every day. You can't even go to a new system. and they're really is Linux. Like, Suddenly my computer's working worse because some asshole pranked me. It's just the virus that fucks you up. of their face through and you can't People are sick. pay you too much. Yeah. it has to be like an act of fun.

1:05:47 we forgot, behind the garbage cans, Okay, he's got a 10-15 spot. And the only thing better was that, with a slingshot and water balloons? towards the standards You get that within a second or two. remnants straight back pointing at that room as they adjusted for for yeah just accuracy and I think Freddie Lockhart. They hid in that thing. let's not say it was Renesisi because we might not have. He'll say it condo. Was it as easy as it had it on the roof? Well, let's not say it was around as easy.

1:07:52 I don't know if you remember People would sit in there hilarious. Yeah. That's some steady. Oh, that's how you do it? that would do like clamps to the balcony that were walking with their gates and stuff, and He's like, I see you, right there, in the white t-shirtshirt behind the couch. I can still see you. What the fuck are you doing? We're like, a beautiful area.

1:09:56 is this dirty Does Argus go down there? Yeah. The amount of coke That was a, and that was a, it was like a first road gig for a lot of people. That'd be awesome. It's like, no. By the way, Those old school guys He had sex with Tony Katane. once he did Bachelor Party. Oh, what a weird business, huh? Just working on my own thing, the most satisfying you have to deal

1:12:32 shit, man. much. Ari and I and they have these there's two seats in it. You have this bed, It's like as good as that That 17 is bigger than that. Amazing shit. Nothing's around. This is a blink. god damn slick now either Discovery blow up You're right. You know, there's some new studies that they've done where they're considering the possibility of an error or an eccentricity in the moon's

1:15:29 And they're saying it's four times the size of Jupiter. It could be, who knows, it could be like a star that we can't see, I don't know. that's so far outside of our solar system sun, and a much bigger sun, and a much bigger star, and then giant, giant galaxies where It's tough to wrap your head around infinity. the ocean with your hands. then another thing,

1:17:42 it just doesn't end. That doesn't even make sense. if there's a big planet out there? Wow. Really? Look, the Kuiper belt is a belt of large objects, and there's one of them that they found that There's a whole gang of Plutos out there. that something with a large amount of mass was way outside of Pluto You know? Don't most stars have planets? I don't know. I think they do. I mean, they've identified so many

1:21:24 but it definitely lost contact with them, right? It couldn't send back pictures anymore. And eventually we get, I don't know if it was going to get near Pluto or not, but definitely we lost contact with them, right? Yeah. Just in case, let's put some stuff about us. it really looks like something. It's like this is the simplest, most mathematical way

1:22:32 What if it is, what if it really is that human beings, like that we really are only on this That's one way of looking at it. and moisture and lightning and bugs and dogs and cats and all these different events happening, Everything is. Like, oh, cool. And then it does this. getting better, the more you Anything, high blood pressure, drugs. That's all. We can get a lot of money for this.

1:25:07 business than movies. epic levels, man. Constantly selling It has to be millions. It must be fucking millions. Doing commentary for that thing. Right. You know, the UFC, I have no idea what's going on. The even or the... You can't sleep after you play. Wow. you're good at this that's funny that's funny yeah Jens Pulver's a you know a real veteran I don't believe it was called lightweight back then, though.

1:28:31 Like when Pat Miletic first won the 170 title, I think it was lightweight. yeah, well, retired too, but he was, oh really boy those guys like by the time Chuck Liddell got in, I mean, it was so new. Randy's still around today. Where's he been, Ludo Machida? The first two rounds were real close. still Rampage got the decision, Well, I think they decided that Rampage

1:30:58 round, Lyoto really took it over. Yeah, dude. He knocked out Thiago Silva. He's really good. And he got released by the UFC right after that? then Brandon Vera doesn't get cut. But they have, like, a certain amount of time? Then it might be that contractually he's allowed to stay. dude. They were talking about him in heavyweight And then he lost to Jon Jones.

1:33:56 Pretty sure he did. He's quite a character. Yeah, yeah. up off his back. He's dangerous off his back. I saw him fight in Strikeforce. He fought. Right. At the end of the fight, Boss had Let's say you have my back, It's like, you lost, I won. Yeah, it does annoy me too. It was a lot of people booed. This is one thing. Yep. win bonus. Oh, really? Because it ain't your fault

1:37:43 Yeah, he's that guy won, and there's nothing we can't, if you hit a guy with a jab and rock him down. True. Go ahead and try, but you're wasting your energy. But the guys good at that technique never going to tap there Sometimes guys will get certain positions and they grab it in an arm You've been to so many UFCs, man. It's true. it's all calling it

1:40:39 you know, talk. It's so fun, too, to watch it in the audience. There's no movie I would rather see that would take place of me going to see some live UFC fights. And it was the best fun I've ever had in a fight. We were front row. And if you go live. man. How many is it? if it's that big. in most places God damn. The set-up bleachers, yeah. It's a set-up on the stage. So that would be backstage. the Pearl, there's like leeches that they have behind.

1:42:50 Dude, that place is giant. Yeah. Now think about more than twice that is the Palms. The biggest thing It's really huge. of good people It's a fun show. where they just talk about and people saying how funny how can we be a fan? But it's like, why? Well, you know, there's always going to be a certain amount of people Well, some people do, though, with meat, man.

1:45:05 I totally went vegan Because, They're delicious. Game, meat, like venison. I have this theory. Fish are hard to catch, and they're really high in nutrition, very healthy for you, unless It tastes awesome. they're only doing it to fatten up the animal. You know, chickens, like if you ever watch Food Inc. or any of those documentaries, And he said the thing with antibiotics is you're supposed to, like,

1:47:42 Same way. no, you need only grass-fed beef, One is good for your body, great reward for catching them they're very nutritious you know it's like a shit. You know, salmon fight hard. It's awesome to catch them. We really got to do that. We really got to go to Alaska and probably do fun. Now, they're not just delicious. They fight hard. You know, salmon fight hard.

1:49:32 I used to love rainbow trout fishing, which is similar to salmon. too, man. It was fun. one fish that we were trying to catch Wait five minutes. That's like, whoa. Pull them out because you'll just break your line yeah isn't that crazy that's like indians all the time and uh he was talking about how if he fished he didn't understand why if you Yeah.

1:51:35 Freshwater is fun because, you know, there's some great fun fishes to catch, just a whale You know, like whales. Yeah. They just kill the shit out of whales. They fuck dolphins up too. For game? For sport? Yeah. Well, the footage Just cut his neck open Shark is delicious. You know, Alistair says there's a lot of protein in it, and it's like you get power from it.

1:54:26 And this thing is swole. You know? It's 8.39, a lot of these people are going to sleep the fan suggested it and because I like to Is that what it is? And all right, so that's it, folks. And then I'd have to go in somehow with some sort of a bag hiding this enormous flashlight. So I try to run to the bathroom, you know. Tomorrow, which is Monday, Duncan Trussell will be on. And then Friday, we got Brian Cowan. And we got a bunch of podcasts this week. Tomorrow, which is Monday,

1:57:15 Thanks, everybody. like all of the episodes of the podcast,