Joe Rogan Experience #855 — Tom Segura & Christina Pazsitzky Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Tommy, what are you drawing? for this ad. This isn't even an ad. and my back doesn't bother me. And I think it's better for my back. Because I've always had super bad posture. too, and it would bind up in the top else now, you have better posture because of this? Oh, totally. two so good? God, it's so And like El Chapo and stuff. Unfortunately, he's a Miami graduate, but he's a nice kid.

2:43 Wait, is that the one with Griselda and her suitor and their love story? in Cocaine Cowboys 2. to start it off and he was like oh my god and then whoa that dude was really trafficking it's a real Charles Cosby. You get hard for her. Yeah. Never heard it either. That's perfect, right? She really does. It's kind of crazy She's all right. Gotta be. kind of a good name. I don't know if this is true or if it's just a

5:36 up with him. Whoa. Background dancer. Yes, I think your life falls apart. Not your personality, not your your enjoyment or your hobbies or anything like You have a mouth that goes ear to ear. A far better alternative to be the dignified older woman that's a primo job yeah when you see somebody you're like jesus's a that's a primo job. Yeah, when you see somebody you're like Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's oh my god

8:27 We're going to have a bunch of women just assume, Yeah. It's gotta be tough. Yeah. I mean, there's probably very few things in life You get that adoration It's not just that he can't. How is it not fun to be Mick Jagger? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, there he goes. Like, how old is Mick Jagger? Yeah. You used my guess. He's got like a little thing to it. Well he was a freak

12:12 And he was still doing Where he would spin around What? 60s black America. Dude. Yeah. like that. this is in Zaire 1974. What's it say on his? Look at his gear, dude. A lot of black guys love acronyms like that. Forgive anyone mentioning Everglades. Right, right. Yeah But it is corny About those and she was in a wheelchair you want 10? Like, I'll just give them to you.

16:11 oh yeah i remember this check i was like i'd be like all right you know i'd communicate with her I don't know. And I was like, ooh. And my son is in Afghanistan. I don't know what the reason was. When they just remove this lady's leg, So they gave me an epidural and I watched it. When you see the tissue in there, because it was a complicated procedure.

19:12 And then they screw it into the bone on the top and screw it into the bone on the bottom. because they when i was birthing our son there she's like do you want a mirror to see his head I saw eight operations when I was a freshman in high school. who's spread eagle she's 80 and they're removing a cyst from her vagina This is incredible. She's a lady on Instagram,

21:40 Oh, no! I don't know! So right now she's cutting into this woman's back who has what looks like a small frog growing in her back. I don't like it. Here we go. I don't know. I don't know. Come on. Well, look how nasty this is once she starts squirting. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. That's a CNN enemy coming out of that person's body. nasty i don't know it's just nasty shit i don't know what a cyst is that was huh i think it's

23:33 Hey, Jamie, I think we're all good. Yikes. Yeah. It's crazy how big that hole is. Oh, for the love of mommy. Nobody knows anything. It's just cells, right? Membranous? a tough a cavity you know it's not like a snapple. Mm-hmm. That's, I imagine. Yeah. I do remember that. Yeah. he's like oh shit baby He got in a shootout with the cops. his mugshot a few times

27:20 no Because he did. It was on CNN. His jaw is going crazy. Now James, this is the first time you and your wife have had a problem. Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paulo, Brazil. Grinding. Sorry, go ahead. What'd you say? I feel good. P Young is the editor and James Ronda one of the advisors. And we're doing a fantastic job. Yeah. film with ryan sickler a comedian about a real story about him. It's called Nine Inches.

31:25 I don't know. So that's why it's called Nine Inches? People get mad about shit that doesn't make any sense, wind up killing each other. Well, wasn't that what they tried? See, where's that cool shit now? so uh when you would shake his hand shake it like that he he has like a little little hook like a That I was with Diaz for three days. So we're leaving the Shoreline Amphitheater.

33:58 So it's just Joey, and you're looking out the window And I was like, what? just over nothing. Just look over like, he did it to 8 000 people last night oh it's so What's up, you fucking cocksuckers? It's endearing. Everyone's got an Uncle Joey like me. He really owns his farts in public, by the way. He points at the guy. And I start to make this face.

37:08 So I'm hearing, I don't take credit. It's good quality. he's always up he's a maniac he just wants to get up something out or talk into my phone i'm talking on my phone a little bit just to try to capture it cup of coffee and going out and do something. but now we're off i go to bed late we're early we're up earlier but now the kids up at you know Yeah.

40:21 11. I like afternoon workouts. Yeah. No, no, no I have a lot of meat, you guys want some meat? dude you gotta get a hold of some uh ket You got to get a hold of some ketones. Let's try a few of these and tell me what you think. And he's, um, one of the foremost specialists on, uh, ketogenic diets and the benefits of a fat-based diet. There's two big ones.

43:00 Yeah. And there just wasn't, there's no way. God damn it, I gotta eat. And I was snapping at everybody. hours, I was about Really? I was just really irritable. So bad. It's a good exercise in discipline and in being focused and mindful in something. because you're focused on trying to do this one, Like whether it's gambling or whether it's sex or whether it's drugs or whether it's,

46:35 What did I do? it's it's simple mouth pleasure. I felt like it was so heavy. Yeah. Get your life. Jim's Steak. They put Cheez Whiz on it, which in retrospect was a mistake. He goes, that's how we do it. Provolone tastes better. Peppers? I like that stuff Yes! But Skippy does taste more processed, but I like the taste. So now you're correcting yourself.

49:27 I know I'm not really eating peanut butter. I know. jelly yeah well when i was a kid my parents made me eat yeah my parents made me my parents were And when you're a little kid, you're so bummed out because everybody else has white bread. And you see a fine crust. And then butter. Where does he get his bread? Then there's another one. I'm like, I gotta go to the hospital.

52:38 Yeah. Like my stepmom used to get offended when waiters would come to the table at a restaurant and be like, what's up, folks? Yeah, Wow, they went through too many wars. Yes, people went through too much chaos too much too much trauma to be hard You think so? Yeah. No. and they drove head on into his car. Yeah. And is there a video of this? This is like a street camera.

54:59 Everyone's dead. I mean, who the fuck knows? Something wrong with the connector? Wow. Wow. Wow. They're all terrified of him. Wow. I thought you meant that it became free for a minute, and I was like, oh, I wonder how much porn was downloaded. Films? I want to see what the websites were. and then Korean films. I'd love to see them. You would be sentenced to jail

58:47 See if you can find the mourning. Nothing makes its way in here. Yeah. Guy's blowing his nose on the flag. Yeah. this one guy got free and gave all this testimony explained like what it was like in those camps I'm going to let you take the lead on that one Yeah. and their kids will live in the labor camps jesus well during communism my dad said that they

1:01:27 Didn't we see that? There it is. Oh, yeah. Going to get a steak. You know George Perez? Early 2000s for a fight at a basketball game. funny dude but um when he was talking about prison it got me thinking like he breaking well we wrote it down on paper so you know you know, well, this guy robbed a purse. Or whatever reason You can't force them or I don't know if they still do,

1:04:15 Yeah. Was it coke The women who pull weeds Bury unclaimed bodies, number two. toughest jail. at what point That's nuts, dude. Wow. I think for some people, if you were an Irish guy with red hair, I've seen people talk shit in Spanish around Tommy It's scary a little, right? I thought about it. most comics do not like doing morning I know, it's really. It's like you could drink it.

1:07:13 There you are. Platanito is like little banana. Yeah. I think it ended. They have just every, yeah, see? that that's a real expression Psi. I like that. Your professor sends out an email to the entire class i'm professor joe rogan my preferred pronouns are he him and then this one kid was able to That is no more ridiculous than H-I-R. He put it on his podcast or his Twitter page.

1:10:15 Like, what? I don't need it. which which i i'm like okay then he goes and if you know, you should really respect people's pronouns. Which I'm like, okay. only should be on the person. and the looks they give him, gender pronoun is. just from this. They sent you the thing, yeah. See, and the thing is, I feel like there's enough people going, Playlist on my channel are we allowed to play this without?

1:13:18 Like, if you're going to dictate a different pronoun, I think that should be on you. while he's talking to you oh my goodness I just switched I just switched I'm the that your gender is like some sort of a seesaw, you're on the precipice, and you can just And why can't that difference be expressed in gender? Right. You're petting kittens and you're putting your daughter's hair in ponytails.

1:15:47 And then as he goes back and forth, he becomes a totally different person. Great. Right, I'm identifying that way. That's a little unrealistic. would you feel like that's something that you'd be like, that's the whole thing yeah it's too much fucking work and if you're an adult that's got a full life Right. Look, there's a bunch of people out there that are just not happy.

1:18:43 with a bunch of different things. I want people to have freedom. It says right here, she no longer flips. Okay. Well, you guys, you fall on the binary spectrum. See, they're using it different now. Look at that. Look. Some people choose I. An alternative that some people use to queer where I don't fall under the spectrum You're not binary. This is a bunch of time.

1:22:10 Society, we have to invent all these things now. that the kids don't feel bad there's no hierarchy group one group two group three shit like that That is really weird. right like it's a learning experience even for them like they should absolutely be corrected People are just going to start shitting outside. Oh, my God. How many people, how big of an issue is this?

1:24:35 gender everybody's cool with it meet the 52 year old father yeah see if he thought he was 13 he Yeah. Do you want her to be a daddy? but he's a small, young, six-year-old girl. I've already lost everything and everything has happened About what? Yes. Hey, how about fuck you? Because all these shut-ins are all online, and they're all ganging up. We got a problem.

1:27:22 You've been alive for 52 years. Because you're in, especially if you're like me, if you're a man and a meathead like me, And you know We're gonna rock He's got fucking seven kids bro Really? That guy? Donald Trump's going to rock the planet? Really? Well, did you see the guy in the video today? Scouting elk. Well, she had her babies. And the bear bit through his arm, too.

1:30:38 just twitched. You can't imagine Look at that. But he stopped to make a video. Yeah. It's probably a claw. He could be on private land, but most likely he's on public land. I think there's grizzly bears in Alaska, and then I don't think you even hunt grizzly bears in Canada. we know that yeah that's one photo of his arm. Yeah. Like, it doesn't rip his ear off.

1:33:27 And I heard a crunch I gotta tell you this It just happened. They have a lot of grizzly bears here, man. It's so beautiful. You just, you could fuck up like this guy and just accidentally be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Yeah, he really did it. Oh. So crazy. And each one of them is going to take a day. Yeah. Yeah, get the fuck out of there.

1:36:50 He ran 200 miles this summer. Every day he was running 13 miles. He looks tired there. He went from 180 pounds down to below 160 just by starving himself. Like, the other day, he put a picture on his Instagram. Like you don't have any fat. They're not going to help you not feel pain harder way to get an animal than with a bow and arrow because you have to get within a certain

1:39:41 level of lunacy does she do marathons and shit? Yes. she's probably boopy and the doctor said Softball sized cyst She was in the Navy All the women And all but one guy What is wrong with people? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is the mud stuff? Yeah. And they don't breathe it in. This is just people walking. There's some where't think this is an actual... This is just people walking.

1:41:59 That's the kind of things people do when it's too easy Look at this. Do you know that? They're literally, they made mud for them to play in like they're three. Bro, I was a fan. Yeah. You know what, though? Not real gender stuff, though. But just keep to yourself. 20th century. seeking I can't. and you're going to watch it. You lived a long time. I don't wear shoes and I can't get a job.

1:44:46 against her, guys. your hair, I'm sorry, but it Yeah. Who tells you you can't do it? The older you get, the more absurd the religious customs and- I wash stuff over here From a couple of But here's the thing If you think that there's some mystical guy. It's 100%. For your jackets. a fucking $300,000 car. You could let that go. He has quite a look, you know what I'm talking about.

1:47:22 That is who he is, but I'm saying that's a look. $500 million. I think like thing. It was fucked up for them is what I'm saying, because then you get singled out and fucked with. I love it. But he's dressed like a dude who lives in Seattle. That's what Jay-Z at. Like a Buddhist thing. with Jay-Z. What happened to that dude? Oh, really? Oh, for baby.

1:50:22 have to get this seal out my like really she like, really? She's like, seriously. And I had this, and you have one big speaker over here that like dads like that song yeah yeah everyone likes that song yeah yeah dad's even with their I'm a little summer. That switch goes I'm free. Like, I'm a fire startup. Was it a seal one? an official dad song, You know that song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on.

1:52:39 That's a good song, too. Hmm. What's gonna happen? It's not just for the kids It's like jazz The kids are listening too In a rap song. I'm becoming horribly lame. yeah just trying to make things rhyme yeah the more you look into it they'll fuck you up cisco He's still doing his thing, man. Let me see your booty go. I did? Straight out the fed, man.

1:55:16 I mean, he really lost a lot. Uh-huh. Don't you? Uh burr. Yeah. With a lightning bolt. Uh-huh. fluid gender. my show. song. Oh, I've heard that song. Are you like, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. you like it negative no all right i'll play it for you somebody likes it though There you go. That's how it starts. I think maybe he makes things. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Come on.

1:56:50 Lots of people. Yellow. Okay. Hell yeah. Not on the face. No. Yeah. No, Jamie, keep me in the dark. So privileged. 1950s. Oh, I remember this. You ever seen that? No. It's unbelievable. This is it. has a really heavy accent. Oh, I remember this. And then she says something in Spanish to be cheeky to him. gives, She thinks she cute. He fucking crushes her.

1:59:31 No, it shouldn't be. Can I hear some of this? I think she's high, though. Or will we get yanked? I don't think so. You'll get yanked. Let me hear what he has to that alabama judge no he there was oh yeah can i hear she's high though you're caught if I were in front of a judge Oh, yeah. I mean, maybe there's a rule. Maybe. obviously the jumpsuit thing is its own thing but like yeah you're supposed to respect the court

2:01:35 Well, he's a domestic violence asshole. do based on okay so i didn't really go to law school for two weeks and we did learn about jury selection and the key is you do want to get and this is horrible but Yeah. That's the first time you've cracked it open. Oh, geez, look at my I got to do a full new show. Yeah. Yeah. But did you do it one day? And I was like, all right.

2:04:25 Yes, that's what I said. Yeah, he can do it. after my shows. Were you serious? I was half, I'll get good enough at this to do after parties after my shows. I just bought turntables and got- Yeah, if you were doing an after party, people would try to take selfies with you. Yeah. nine i go mine's at eight you want to do a guest spot and he goes yeah so then afterwards he had an after party at the

2:06:28 He's doing it. really geeked me out. and I was like, expect this weekend they always say that oh i hate that and i'm like a fucking show jokes um yeah Just to goof on them. Right. or something. And she goes, why is Bert so fat? This guy. But prepping just gallons of water. Have been doing this thing With their shirts off If I talk about you, if I tweet about you, hashtag Bert is fat.

2:10:12 To me the full charge said you gave him the formula you gave audiences a joke formula. Here's a person the majority some people were like that though yeah same thing to me some people were like you I'm like, look, it doesn't take away from like one guy was saying that um that uh the uh there's a bunch of different ones but there was one recently um a wiki leaks

2:11:55 They go, oh, you fucking think that she really mean that? Or, and as a human being, just going, what do you think she meant? I don't know that story. I mean, they literally distorted democracy. Malik Assange hints murdered D.C. staffer is the one that leaked that exactly but here's the thing it worked it not only is it he's dead That's scary. There's a million different things

2:14:35 polar it's a joke yeah right it's like a cartoon yeah right it's almost like some people can they No. You're watching this team thing play out in this very strange way. See, that's the thing. Yeah. And then there's some ridiculous right wing, super conservative, ultra religious stuff The 80s, those religious people are a big part of the reason why Reagan got elected in the first place.

2:17:10 They fucking love him, man. I saw people that I like Did you see the beginning? No, I did not either. And he goes, the look, the stamina. That was bait that he couldn't ignore. but he has a winning temperament. he's very defensive. so he didn't have to pay taxes for a long time 18 years yeah 18 years no taxes really well he You don't lose $950 million or whatever it was if you're doing great.

2:20:03 goes, it's because I'm smart. You're not going to want to hear that. Because this is what's fascinating to me. yep it's just going to matter if you were black guys he always wanted to go on first If Trump becomes president, we will all be that hacky urban comic. Your hair stuff, your hair jokes. He's a bit of a megalomaniac. Do you think that once you get in

2:22:31 I don't think he wants to be tied to the White House. or something he was i think i won What? This one is from PamelaGiller.com. It says false, but it's on a bunch of sites right now, so it might not be true. Christian Times newspaper, an article reporting tens of thousands. I know. Okay. No. The machines were rigged so that they could have a third party enter data.

2:25:09 And they showed in the Hacking Democracy, the guy got into the thing and changed the vote. The company Diebold, they had to switch their name. Making payments. That guy Hassert I think that's his name Sentenced to 15 months. Illegally structuring bank transactions. Scroll back down, please. Illegally structuring bank transactions in an effort to cover up his sexual abuse of

2:26:43 Yeah. Shoot him. Illinois to Speaker of the House in Washington, sat slouched in a wheelchair in a federal courtroom here as judge announced that he would be rejecting pleas for probation. Wow. Even if you paid those kids $1,000 every time you fucked them. So what? now 53 and a businessman I felt intense pain, It's just amazing that that relationship that he had as a Speaker of the House allowed him to only get 15 months.

2:29:09 Everybody was, you know, I mean, high ranking people were like, he's done amazing work. stands up ever? Right now I heard on the news this week, With no gloves on and stuff like that, he said. I did notice that. What the fuck, Oh my god dude That's scary shit Most people don't know. Yeah. Robbed at gunpoint in Paris. Yeah, Nice, France. guy Angelina Jolie hooks up with?

2:32:42 he's more of an activist to do some stuff. I think you're really right here. He sews his own clothing, that kind of thing. You get hard. So before Brad, wasn't she with Billy Bob Thornton? Might go weird again. Yeah. She's eating butthole, for sure. That's how she greets you. Yeah. That's what's kind of exciting, right? And he's like, I like that. Yeah.

2:35:12 If I divorce Tom, I might do that. Get to your feet, I got no rhythm. Wait, wait, me or Angelina? I heard that music well this is what fantasize about it too right well that's the poly Right. Yeah. Yeah, but I kind of fantasize about it, too. Or would you want them to know you were there and just kind of whimper could just jerk off freely and or would you would you

2:37:07 my god oh my god no he's like and he like he shakes it off he's like like that and i'm like But then he's like, and I took your wife. Bob Ross. They all do it. No, he drops like that. They could. The definitive Mapplethorpe work was Piss Christ. Or like a jar. be fun to see my parents have an aneurysm we could show them that see their heads Okay, it did.

2:39:53 Oh, you got Serrano, dude. Does it involve balls and cocks? Did Mapplethorpe have one too or did I make it up? Does Mapplethorpe have to do with it? A punishment for its role in supporting the work of an artist. It was Serrano. we were talking about um uh narcos, so violent. Yeah, crazy violent like violence on adults Yeah. Yeah. Okay to have violence. Yeah. Why is it okay to have all these aspects of people kissing and grabbing each other's asses?

2:43:17 Right. If you could be in a tank top and bikini underwear just reading the news. Just letting people know you're ready to sleep. fucking sports sesh and there's no way They either have to be really old, like Barbara Walters, like a stateswoman. like, I don't know shit about football, but they can look at a play that took seven Like, they'd do that in two seconds.

2:45:36 That fucking guy was practically dead. They couldn't even talk towards the end of his life. Diane Soria is still strong. And very smart But she never did like Shirts hanging off the shoulder? She's a newscaster? She's hot as the sun. Go to the full body one up there. Up left. Yeah, but she gave in. Yeah, she gave in and sat down with them and was like, they had like a friendly conversation.

2:47:30 You know, Who is that? I mean, that's another one. Unless it was her when she was younger. A nice young lady. It might be her. That might be her one of them There's a bunch of them That's not her though No I don't think Yeah Shaved down sense but I'm supposed to be down with Well, the thing is, it didn't exist. unfuckable. That's why they get really

2:49:12 It's pretty funny. They're all just super hot. Really? Well, maybe in the grand scheme of things, but within the cable news competition, I think they wearing a lingerie during your mom's house. I watch CNN. They have a couple of cuties. They're reporting from the ground or whatever you guys call it. I'm one of the guys. Gender traitors. Yeah, they peeped her.

2:51:46 and have families and have their dads. Trump was like one of the first ones No, I'm serious. He's just swinging. It's the apocalypse. watch the Nixon debates with Kennedy, But then you're going to back up that video you took on a hard drive, right, You never know when some Black Lives Matter people might rush the stage Yeah. What the fuck do you think happens next?

2:54:34 Capitalizing on their position to make ridiculous amounts of money. Well, I mean, we got the black guy. See? Though many might describe Gonzalo's orientation That's the next prize. You don't want to see If you could get someone from the 1960s and show them the world that we live in today. I don't get any of this. Yeah. But guys, we can all use the same bathroom.

2:57:06 Oh, right. How long before they kill him? I don't think it does. up an olive garden and we show them coca-cola mcdonald's and we get to rebuild north korea what do you think i think we let the or something, and you don't know anything in this whole world. Because they have weapons and they're right next to South Korea. Is that today? And then, you know what also disturbs me?

2:59:46 And we're like, do I want a latte? Australia is the move. Yeah. I mean, a logical reason that we don't see as Americans, like the metric system? You've looked that up, though? That's really good that you knew that. You don't have to chop away They hadn't even figured out arrows yet. They just had long, sharp things. Yeah. They hadn't were like pre-arrows. They figured that out. That's pretty nuts. They haven't even figured out arrows yet.

3:01:15 Oh, those are neat. What's it called, James? It's fucked up. Yeah, they hang them up. we don't want people to see I don't like seeing the real decapitations and murders. Cut this guy's head off with a small knife. Yeah. It's where they tie every year arms and your legs, right? sword just cut you open yeah while the horses pull you holy fuck and this is how they would publicly

3:03:48 They could torture you in order to get that confession out of you. You know, we have too much information. and if you've robbed somebody we make you a slave right you're a slave now right it's just dignified We like to think around the country around the world to make money like job to job and she goes i worked in um what That's lava and boiling We keep him around to kill more people.

3:06:23 But you see a lot of them. which used to be the opposite. see grizzly bears to the point where there's a video of it the bears never kill people. The guy's looking over at all these bears eating fish, walks up to him i mean he that's his launch hair dude i mean well i'll show you how close the guy To let him know. Bear sits next to guy You know look like try to pause it

3:09:37 Oh, my gosh. And if you're the yummy food, I mean, they're cleanup crew. They just wander up to the carcass and just start eating. there was a thing called the short-faced bear that dominated the bearing straight so powerfully it Yeah. I mean, it was so big. It was like the Hulk if the Hulk was a bear. and they may have prevented people from emigrating to North America earlier.

3:12:10 because I think yeah yeah eat brown bears. They do a lot of cannibalism. And also because they think it might be able to bring the women back into estrus. Well, their ecosystem is basically shrinking, right? Really? This is the Jamie Google show. We've been going on forever. I learned about the guy who is the financial guy who doesn't give a fuck. Heston. What else?

3:14:47 That was important. In Philly? I just added, I'm doing Ontario Thursday, and we sold it out, so we added another one there. Like, when I met you, you'd only been doing comedy like a few years, right? In Phoenix. Oh, my God. I remember that. We met at the Hollywood Theater. Real Men of Comedy Tour. Yeah. In Phoenix. Fuck. Those Netflix specials, man.

3:16:09 It's happening. Yeah, and then Seattle one night. week sold out yeah and then seattle And I'm like, I don't know. It's crazy. I remember watching or reading something and I realized I did one of your first 10. We sat on the couch. So you had to uncomfortably lean forward on a couch. I thought you were bananas, too, doing this thing. i don't know what the fuck possessed me to keep doing this welcome to uh wow

3:18:28 or see one right they all just start talking And he had a whole professional desk and professional cameras. he was doing it on one of those streaming services. Shut that fucking thing off. So we started doing it every week and then somewhere along the line yeah but um yeah but once i had like i had like uh anthony bourdain on and you know i had I don't know, man.

3:21:05 Yeah. So much blood. Do you like it more than stand-up itself? go back to being responsible adults it is that's true that's a good way of putting it because it Once you realize you have It's going to be awesome. So, for now, Christina P. on Twitter. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. What's the website? That's why. Tom Segura website? Tom Segura on Instagram is a British kid.

3:24:28 Powerful. Oh!