Joe Rogan Experience #86 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience is sponsored by Fleshlight. Woo-woo! By the time you get this, it'll probably be already over. Creep, creep. You're like, yeah, you'll like it. that, you know, a lot of the early Hindu texts, you know, dealt with eating marijuana and it creates a totally different chemical when you eat it called 11-hydroxymetabolite You're 30,000 feet above the earth. If something goes wrong, you're not going anywhere you're you're in the space you're 30 000 feet above the earth you

3:54 I mean, I really was freaking out, but when it was over, My God damn it. But these experiences, these plain, you know, anytime you eat pot, really, Like you just saw a fire or something pot and brownies are just as bad, man. It's kind of an awful feeling. It is like cleansing, yeah. And we were just reading them and then we watched uh kat williams uh dissect him kat williams did a show with him

6:31 of him on like the You need God in your life. It would be incredible. Yeah, I would Great bit. Where he would just, he would just recap news stories and that was the bit. well and he went on stage and I was like this guy should be paying richard prior You see a few hotels. I've heard people said to me Sam Kinison when I was starting out, too, was really just starting to be known in the comedy world i mean he never really got huge

9:58 I mean, for real. imitate the crushing you know like mencia did that with me that was one of the first things like It's kind of like you're putting on a different sort of a pattern of talking Really? Excuse me, sir. Shut up. I don't want to ruin this Chris Rock story, so I'm just yapping over this And I would crowd. But, you know, at that point, I started watching him.

13:15 that guy was just, he blew my mind Sorry, folks. And we'll do announcements like this all the time. Absolutely. So you can sleep on airplanes? he was your favorite comedian? like breaking shit down, Takes a semi-complicated thing but I was so influenced by him he crouches And that's when I first went, you have an urban cadence Weird. Like it's only.

16:09 Because you say urban. I someone says that i go this person doesn't talk even to black people ever or they're just super politically correct you know we don't realize that most people who Her eyes lit up like he was saying. and yank me out and stick me in the back. Every time I'm in first class, I'm always expecting someone's going to come out here and yank me out and stick me in the back.

17:22 That guy can't run faster than anybody. You know, like, earth wind and fire bitches know the elements it's like ouch dude the elements those elements like i never heard that one before I mean, anybody can pretty much do anything, right? What is the percentage of people that buy things off SkyMall? to go to jail. Yeah. But anything that you say that might hurt someone's feelings

20:06 Right. Like, just because you make an you can make an observation right about a race it doesn't that isn't racist but people right like or whatever fucking... Yeah. What is it about some black guys? First of all, what's wrong with we would have it on speakerphone and that would make sense. They're holding the phone away from their face and they're talking.

22:16 Well, you know, I've just been around black people. But there was a lot that got upset. Yeah, to call you on your bullshit and to be self-righteous and to be you know indignant to be upset it's it's a weird thing that people you know What the fuck is wrong with you? Dude, I don't care about any of them. It sounds weird because you're so good at it.

24:44 Spanish and they'll just be like, It's going to take over English eventually. bad news. I'm kind of a news junkie, you know? So I don't really ever feel that emotional. It's really just a roll of the dice. Patty's very nice, and unfortunately we swore in front of her and shocked her. Where we do them on a plane You gotta write it down for me so uh Dead.

27:32 They're trying to investigate and find out who did it. It was their honeymoon, I believe. And at a school. penis and they blurred out the penis. Oh, my God. in like 2005 moved the money has moved to mexico so there's always gonna be more violence where there's more Really good show, and he's an interesting guy. And you're like, But anyway, But it was talking about

30:06 it's like, that that could happen That's why everybody here It wouldn't let them legalize it. That just speaks to the hypocrisy of Well, they do that to tie up resources, because So that's basically a free up. You know, it's like, hey, what about the children? That's where the mob came from. gave an interview recently where she was talking about, they were talking about Mexico and

33:04 to tell another person what they can and can't buy or sell? the people that are doing meth that guy that died of it means you have to be more diligent in how you raise your kids and how aware you are you know I don't know. I guess I never thought of like making the hard work more hardcore stuff that are doing it like I would not argue like mushrooms and marijuana and all those things,

35:17 It's more illegal than heroin. Of course it is. That's so insane. down for the community stepping in and protecting people from things that can be demonstrated as From private prisons to cops. of looking at it man it is but we have big government in this country man and people like whenever they It's just the more government you have, Bad or good. Like, you want to buy a Porsche?

39:15 that there's going to be someone And we just have it there because it creates jobs Fuck yeah. They recently gave that up. Yes. week. You just sit in your They also set young dummies up I forget. The FBI got in with him, hooked him on that fake bomb i don't care if he's coerced. I don't care if you made it sound a lot better than it really is to him.

41:58 Yeah. They did? Nothing at all. The guy that, he just fucked up. There are people out there that are fucking dumb as shit and willing to do it. They shoot fucking rocket-propelled hand grenades. And it was killing all their fish. aden they just caught um they got 23 people yesterday. It would make me never even go to I mean, it really is like, Yeah.

45:28 to not be born there. You live in a war zone Or you did something super awesome in another life. You ever wonder about that, man? I thought about it. I don't know if I actually Right. Yeah, I don't know if there is one either. just that it exists alone in this state, in this body, I mean that could be what evolution or what rather reincarnation really is. Is

48:27 theories from each religion You talk to a guy and then you get a glass of milk, and then you go, like, really? that all someone has to do is come along and speak confidently and we listen. I mean, even though we don't know that much about it now, I mean, we know way more about You have to pick and choose. loves it and goes you know what uh i'm a rational person you have to pick and choose yeah otherwise

51:10 by the scandal thing. where it was like, no, this is a massive problem, Like, I know priests are just, like, amazing human beings. to type of criminal you know i mean it seems like there's so much harboring too that it really and they don't want and go silly bitch You don't have to rape them. Or a family member, yeah. actively sought to shield child molesters from prosecution.

54:51 it's the worst crime that a human being could do. yeah it was like do you want to do that that's what they became yeah it's like you know sort of Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's it's been proven that the current Pope shielded child molesters. Why is he hitchens i forget what might have been christopher hitchens they were you know campaigning to have

57:26 you see it it was incredible the pope and the gayest looking manscaped waxed eyebrows dyed hair at you and it's but it's it's it's like a team of of weird uh gay aggravation is coming at you Him with his goofy ass robe on. like a later era but all have the same thing like we all rock starter jackets. Let's just go to a later era, but all have the same thing. We're all going to wear starter jackets.

59:20 Right. Yeah, and here's the thing. what they're doing. It's like they're missing out on some of the most amazing parts of life. yeah they're just super good people and i think some of them go to that yes but i do feel like worldly vices that have controlled them You're missing out on joy. Really? and real nervous about sparring days. Dude, he gave up everything.

1:02:59 It's like a riddle that you really can't answer. So he went into it, man. And he was saying that he liked it. Yeah. extreme thing to do yeah i don't know man that seems like it's... I mean, I know people do it Right. different things. and by obligation by debt by you know all these things that they're forced to do that they don't So it's like you live this fucking great existence, man.

1:06:28 I mean, I worked from college. I worked as a marketing, like, you know, employee at a company that made grocery carts. Being in that 9 to 5 mode was depressing. gigs, but most of it was construction. that was only a few hours every morning it was seven days a week but but it was only a few hours except on Sunday was a big day. So it's not driving me nuts Yeah, and it's not doing anything where I had constantly have to be around a boss or constantly have to be in an office

1:08:31 I hate the office that much where I actually feel like Wow. Yeah. And I had to carry bags of cement and pressure-treated lumber all day. Like pressure-treated lumber, you can make decks out of it. I don't really remember. I couldn't train. you're clinging on to it like a kitten who work like what you have to do to work to get a living out of, it doesn't make any sense.

1:12:29 And some people, man, better person i think it makes you humble i think it's easy to get cocky if you've had a bunch of doing it over and over and over again it was fucking ridiculous i bought a van for it and and you would just cook What? every time for the rest of my life when I walk in a room and I see tile, I think of One of the few things I didn't do, but I did do,

1:15:37 stuff and it gets tingling and itchy and scratchy. And by the way you know that shit sure some particles So you have to carry these bundles up the stairs into the attic. Mountain Dew bottle, a big two liter Mountain Dew bottle filled with beer. And he would just drink hide from life drinking this big fucking piss warm bottle of of you know old english that's just

1:18:22 This was someone's child. You don't end up like that if things were totally normal at home. But I do have a mental addiction issue. Like, when I first started playing pool, 8, 10 hours a day. I just get obsessed. Powerful, they offer cookies. This is like an obsession. It's a powerful fucking thing. it's almost like they're and girls found them Guys who got laid

1:21:11 Yeah. probably didn't even start getting laid See, the only difference, though, the addictions that we just talked about, Yeah, that's what keeps me from even fucking trying. There was this one Brazilian kid who used to choke the fucking shit out of me this guy used to Like, I would spar with anybody. I can't do that now. And when it would lock in place, it was like super painful, man.

1:24:40 the whole table and then I became obsessed with it. It took a couple of years, I think. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I got this now. I was not a disciplined person. I was very impulsive. something like that when i first moved out when i was living with my friends we were a bunch of oh, I write on stage. I'm like, yeah, I do too. But you got to write, you got to sit down and you

1:27:58 or whether it's writing in front of a computer, hmm, do I like how this came out? When I was on news radio, I didn't write at all. You were still doing stand-up. of my comedy ever. when I was doing news radio, I always felt like a little bit of a fraud. I always felt like, you lady who was like this failed actress who was really gross. She was just like, she was gross.

1:30:59 and like the fuck man I gotta I gotta get back to work and I started writing again again. And then a couple years later, I put out my album, my first album, It was a real good CD. And it probably wouldn't if i didn't have that one set that really embarrassed me You have to get into that groove. so I can always listen right before I'm about to go on stage, and then it puts me sort of, like, deeper in the trance.

1:32:51 We started this podcast about an hour and, I'll tell you right now, To gone. Looking for pots of gold. I'm having all that... As you say, I start to just criticize myself. I need to hear about you writing. Like I wrote last night for five hours. think we all need that, you know? I need to hear about you writing. he was really funny. Like, I feel juiced up, you know?

1:35:37 hired to do it i was like man i waste a lot of fucking time. I could be doing this for myself. Yeah. Why would I not, like, I was doing 12 hours a day. You know, I could do a fraction of that. Of the last 30 days of the special, before a special, That was a blog that like a million people read. of dudes getting their heads cut off I was supposed to sit down and write.

1:37:48 So you used to use it's so easy Tired's a huge one. They're trying to tempt us with the dark side. It feels better. I felt so satisfied. It's like there's a lot of trickery going on. I remember when I wrote it, I wrote it and I looked down at the keyboard up a joke right out of the gate and as soon as I said it on stage it was perfect I didn't need to

1:40:38 if you want to be good at it. I know who they are. I look forward to every one of them. I'd fucking love it man and call what this guy's doing wrong. I like watching fights by myself actually more than with other people. Absolutely. you gotta be focused on it fucking worse than girls your fucking bullshit They're so uncomfortable There's always got to be

1:43:07 Oh, no! that I almost emphatically across the board support, They're still coming back. That sounds like me. You're Al Bundy without the jokes. And he's a really cool guy, man. He is a super fucking talented actor.iu-jitsu shut the fuck up he's legit dude and he's a really cool he did an amazing job. I talked to him, Jiu Jitsu. He loves Jiu Jitsu. It's not a lot of

1:45:48 And then when I started taking classes with him, and I hadn't faced enough of a variety of attacks from different people like you get used to a certain game whoa you can you can settle into their game and and how by the way how fast are your goddamn if you were sober, you probably would have had a big puddle in your lap. open about it. He's always talking about

1:47:36 you have to shoot the balls one in order. You get so focused. an animal. you know? But when you smoke it, you miss It's totally psychedelic drug, and it's an agent of evolution. It is. We're going to sign out. We're not hating. S-E-G-U-R-A. And he's got, like got a bunch of them now. Thanks for having me, buddy. We all love our Fleshlight.