Joe Rogan Experience #87 — Dana DeArmond Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters Lovers and children Back and forth And you said Just go with it. Just don't go with it. like a grilled cheese sandwich i would have called her a grilled grilled cheese but there's a grilled cheese sandwich truck you don't see an oatmeal truck She ain't hurting anybody. Or Kardashian. if you live in a glass house,

2:21 what she's doing, Because if you're going on this date, if you're a guy, you're already giving in to the fact It's exactly why, right? any day of the week, What if they didn't? Everyone's all hyped on it. But I'm just saying, and wears his body. Bureau, It was really trippy. that one guy that said that thing well it's also like what is his motivation well he's

5:08 and it's all written down from 1985 there was a rape They just still have him wash his car and stuff. What about the rapes? The Russell Crowe movie about that genius mathematician. and I was going to ask you this because you do porn. which a lot of guys do. Before, porn was always, So I see that now. Twitter's helping it a little bit. It's a little bit disconcerting.

7:40 you have your thing. I just spend, like, five hours a day in the bathtub. Do you do it on like a webcam or something? It's all warm and wet. Oh, that would be awesome. Well, you're up to date with your cat in a hat. Like, I get all enthusiastic about it. Where the sidewalk ends. seems awful psychedelic. Michelle Silverstein. The cat in the hat is the shit, son.

9:57 He gets the tub dirty. He's not visible to the naked eye. It's Shel Silverstein. this shit in a while I've you're stuck to that see entanglements in other people's lives you recognize them as disgusting things you never You get this message of, oh, look at this poor fuck. believe how big her shits are you should start twittering her twits no way no way

12:34 oh of course there would be they would think about Yeah. So that's like the go-to word. everything smells like poop and watch it. Amazing. oh a cartoon voice or American Dad I've read some books. And you're reading, yeah, Mario. So it was fun. and she's just staring at him down. something rude because i don't you know i'm like i don't even remember interacting yeah she's got this mean

15:28 There's three now Is like all happy Because it's just cocaine madness in that brain. people mad i I think. is going to discover something new about He's doing other level shit because you're not supposed to get that rich and still have this crazy appetite for cocaine and whores. Supposedly, You know? the next biggest movie ever. look like i did when i was young i look at myself when i was young and i'm like wow how weird is

18:30 than that dude that's an old man on Ustream and that says W-Y-T-V is W-Y-T-R on Ustream. But this one almost has a million views. that's why he's all those whores in his house he's there he's like matching them one with the Yeah. in there while it's still beating cat blood type she didn't want to go deep Just be yourself. is that it's like a conversation.

20:53 You are funny. and it's really hard to get out of that it's that is the business is very hard for women I don't know. And people kind of always call me cause they need like a, and a normal person, you know? You do need it. And even if you just took what I do, So I think you'd be really good at it just based on your... What a tweet is is just 140 characters, just writing material.

23:58 I'm like, wow, this is weird. because you're already scrutinized and being watched pretty closely What's happening is happening. When you're talking It was so funny, though. I can tell when people are working things out.'m sure you can i'm sure you can you you just felt this weekend is comedy and magic club um so uh this uh fr this Friday and Saturday We're at the Comedy and Magic Club

25:55 Me and the Wild Jew Next Friday night yeah and then but I also want to go down crazy roads and see what happens, a really small room you know all these other things I mean, it depends. I'm brainwashed. There's a lot more variables. Yeah, very. and sex are cool they must suck or be nerdy or whatever like i they i kind of went alex p up and like be a drunk person until I was like 23.

29:32 They made you feel bad about it in what way? That's such a sensitive thing to say, which I think is really interesting, There's that too. Yeah, that this is uh this is it's for real it's worthy of my love real shit yeah it's not what i see in Oh, she's so cute. It's so some guys that are charmers and i think uh he was very obsessed with being famous listen to me i'm

32:23 Here we have the mother come home from work, She seems cool. I said, he's a, there's a Freudian right there. It's so like. Like, really? He probably gave it to them. for the first time in 20, 30 years. See, that's fucking comedy right there. That's timing timing you could totally be a stand-up comedian I'm telling you oh my gosh i saw the funniest photo of you she has by the way she has an obsession with uh trannies like she

35:17 I just thought she was like really owning her shit. feel tranny like feminine side yeah I don't know what Yeah. I don't know. This conversation is going on my mind. god damn it and I really like or it's interesting and i like blended in with them because they thought you were a big woman. Yeah, they thought I was like a dude one of those people that were supposed to be born a woman.

37:16 are just messed up and they just ended up with a dick or whatever. girls they're probably just happy that someone accepts them you know i think why shouldn't any like a chick who the fuck am i right who's anybody to say there's something wrong with that i kind of I think Hilary Swank. You need to be more dominant, than Hillary Swank, the person. 5'8".

40:02 Like I've met celebrities that I thought were like these big people But she was yoked. The fuck it doesn't. Of course you would. Why are you trying to get people to rape me? I'm not saying. You know your'm saying all i'm saying is are you trying to get Oh, no. A hundred percent. Yeah, the behind the scenes footage of the movies. because I thought you were saying

42:32 behind the scenes footage into like watching me and they can show it because it's like in a medical environment it's yeah like a normal environment like pp goes in the toilet not in dana's mouth person's mouth band is tight you know it's not just a bizarro show and then the guy takes his clothes off and he has a micro phallus a and just drops the bottle wow like she panicked like she thought she would stick her beer bottle

44:51 I run into him at the Paul Provenza show. That's how he would describe himself, as a male feminist. And after I get off stage, he goes, well, I'm a male feminist. of course you are. you're a bad motherfucker at what you do when, you're, Who gives a shit? that's weak i don't even call myself a feminist i would say like i'm not not a feminist because

47:06 Yeah. I'm on that. When people say that weed could fix the world, I read this post on a message You're supposed to look at everything all the time, marijuana does not allow that. You should be aware I couldn't deal. Absolutely. have a reasonable uh you know amount of following and fan base and people who appreciate what i People's parents tend to, you know, tell them what to do and my my parents

50:45 Wow. he's like turbo thruster. Like a missile company? Sure. This MMA forum. We're all immigrants. and you're enforcing your beliefs The difficulty of the task is a great goddamn fight between this all-american wrestler who beat phil davis and ryan of the like almost hippie thing going on there's like a lot of like young people there there's a But they're on that show, the first 48.

54:02 a girl having an orgasm it's very not done yeah right does it ever happen Barbarian shit and we used to hold you down by your hair and just shoot a load in you and run away That's why God made me tall. Because you're supposed instead of trying to rape me. We had Ari Shafir on his podcast had a guest that was addicted to going to bathhouses, Dude, I almost said his name.

55:52 But so anyways, I never knew. they can look like the bunny ranch where they they all come and say hi and stuff like that Don't be. It's good. if you don't know each other that well then all all sudden you fucking like yeah What have I done? We're done. He found their websites, had like stab wounds she like her teeth were all fucked up and her voice sounded like pj stansberry

59:11 to those massage parlors forever and he's never had a girlfriend as long as i've known him yeah all the time. So a good percentage of and he was talking to me All right. her boyfriend? want to lose him as a customer right you know times are tough you know when you get that steady It's a ridiculous option. is sponsored by the Fleshlight. Oh, that's right.

1:01:14 like Mary Hart's legs Oh, we're going to have to be a professional woman They're thinking about that way anyway. And I'm like, oh, okay. being honest but yeah it is honest one time on film now because we're friends now this couple came on they were talking about how they're allowed to fuck other people while they Like, when the camera wasn't running.

1:03:44 How crazy is that? He's like, he's fucking, you guys aren't even got all mad that's weird how crazy is that that's weird how Isn't that crazy? And he did some things that I found were questionable. Yeah. what you do for a living live together now so like i don't want you sleeping with other people even though i do porn for living you masturbated you know,

1:05:59 what the fuck they want to do People find people what if they don't want to do the thing negatives in there sorry he took you down a huge level like you know what if their compatibility what right what porn is or what sex is it's it's understood when you're when you're not really Butt plugs and stuff like that? Is it easy for you to poop? Is it easy for you to poop?

1:07:59 It's like a t-shirt launcher. Just blam. It's a one-man roast of Dana DeArmond's asshole. So, you're not into butt sex in real life? You're a big girl. Sure. the perfect dna for it yes is it hard to to be to date people as a porn star do you find or is it don't know and i'm like yeah you already things, I don't know. And I'm like, yeah, you already knew,

1:11:02 Part of the whole process of wearing me down is like, into the relationship and then it's a couple months in and they're relaxed and comfortable Okay. You know, they meet a girl that's willing to fuck them like once every couple months It's just sex. And he wanted to lay it on me like, you can't live inside your own pain. People are full of shit. affected and fake and just designed to like yeah fucking fire off all the rights and it was just

1:13:55 He's a little poet. I feel like you're bullshitting me. I used to do a lot of BDSM stuff where I was a sub. yeah oh yeah you know And I felt like if I met these challenges, I don't know. Well, there's. Be like Iron Man loads. to submit to you on this yes i'm alphaing the entire room No me So how long did this whole session take Sub dom Yeah, no. And it stretches just like your asshole

1:18:07 god Brian I do but I'm having it removed to get laser tattoo removal So you have to wait a couple months black really big black box but it's just black tattooing. How much worse is it than the actual tattooing? And when you get a tattoo, it kind of scratches the surface of your skin. I'm like, what am I doing to my arm? But I wouldn't say that that's the best idea ever.

1:20:19 Yeah, but look at what you've done to yourself. It's just like when you get fucked in the ass, and just whatever I've accidentally peed on people or her love zone or whatever nerds call it. And the penis is obviously where any sexual ejaculate would come out of. It was just, it was like a broth. Whoa. spider-man and I was like pee out of somebody that's exactly how you would do it so that's what all that spraying is so there

1:23:25 I cannot even remember yeah three weeks So it's like the same same wiener. It's not like I'm like, oh like ooh I'm so super corny for you I don't know We were actually just both on Star Trek The Next Generation. Yeah. And I was like, no, dad, if I don't get this part, I'll die. He's smart. He's very smart. He's such a cool he's got a blog online and he's smart he's

1:25:51 you feel like the sticky room, and you're jerking yourself off as you're getting up There's these little signs that say slippery when wet Or were there other ones before her? And she's got a fascinating documentary. And like you, she's very intelligent. But it was really interesting. And he was like, you know, how about lips would start to get numb.

1:27:53 You got a huge mouth. No. In the woods? you know, She's all made up. that like really appealed to me. because it was appealing to me. And I take I'll be 32 in June. And what were you doing before that? I think I already told this story on your show, maybe. of fucking a robot Brian's talked to girls that fuck robots. that people feel like they can approach you

1:31:21 Goddamn. It's basically a castle. Enormous. be surprised they were in the wall street journal talking about like people are there are people we robots and shit you know that could only take place in like san francisco yeah i don't think Berlin, Budapest. no warning different attitude about it what Fuck him. Charlie Sheen lives, a doughy like slippery sweaty guy with five kids.

1:34:46 edge to it the it's like really vanilla you know it's and then yeah it's the number one comedy for And it's funny enough. There's a show about slippery roads. Well, his character was pretty much himself, though, in that show. Did you ever see Wall Street? and he's like, I think you're thinking of John Malkovich. I don't know. It's all fucking good.

1:37:10 Still. Still. wasn't he? He was in something fucking retarded. like it makes you nervous for her while she's talking to him Just like comedy, man. really nailing it. I told a 22 let some porn star tell him that acting is fake. when you're in this and you're responding Yeah, I just did three penthouse movies. What about when guys shoot loads? Clearly, you've never seen my loads.

1:40:36 Zinc supplements. You know, like a Kegel, like a woman has a Kegel muscle. I'm exercising it right now. it's fiberglass put it on your vision board because I remember It also depends on John Holmes type dude Going through That long of a dick Dude I like the way You think of it scientifically Yeah I like that advantage it's like John Jones but maybe it loses some pressure going through

1:42:30 Yeah, that's good. I wonder if it's ever happened before. of funky color because of that. having a half black baby of Jesus right you just had to accept it I see your ankles, bitch. it was consensual are regretting their choice I forgot anyone What's fascinating about you is i when myspace was before it was like just a spam graveyard i would get like this really super

1:44:55 Jesus Christ would not fucking waste his time you're interacting with each other completely anonymously through like wires and it's all ones and zeros you can take i i wrote on twitter that that charlie sheen was reminding reminding me of Hunter S. Thompson the way he's talking. of tweets of people over and over again. Because you would fit in like a fucking glove.

1:46:42 We only have a couple of women moderators. There's a combat sports forum for MMA stuff. There's so many interesting... They're there to keep the ant population at bay. This fungus grows inside an ant's brain. Ants are horrible anyway. Well, that's why they're there. They're there to keep It grows out of its head And then when one bullet ant I got a TV in my gym and I was working out in the gym.

1:48:43 It's interesting listening to Oprah. How she talks and how she thinks like you get behind that woman If she was like being like Charlie Sheen is, people would be like, fuck you. If anybody's a rock star from Mars, it's Oprah. I bet Oprah has very big area loss They had a great show the other day I was on the Oden station has a bunch of gay friendly stuff on it. They had a great show the other day.

1:50:33 the entire full story is but they had this whole show dedicated to it and they had some kids i mean person i don't think anybody has that phase where you're like seven years old and you're like i'm He likes women until they settle in. imagine if you had a straight dude you know like that's probably normal for straight dudes you know they're just like whatever you know kitty prozac stuff like that you know which is another fascinating

1:52:55 their sexuality or their gender. They would yell at each other in public and it was just a disaster. It's a chemical thing that happens to a kid where it takes over their brain, rewires it, And he's got his kid on some sort of riddle and shit because his kids too active because his kids fucking alive You know? With social engineering, I mean, Prozac came into mind when I was, I believe when I was in high school was the

1:54:37 She had electroshock therapy repeatedly. she's an old school porn star out of control because there's a lot of people You don't need Prozac. You're going to be depressed. Totally. You want to be in? If you want to be in, you can be in our cult at any time. Look at what you do. And I think it's so funny because Chelsea Handler was like, Her first book was My Horizontal Life.

1:56:42 When are you going to get her on the podcast? Yeah, that's Larry Sanders' show, but she's She used to work at the Comedy Works. She used to take us to media. ridiculous but for her i would do it just to give her a job. Go to the fridge load dishwasher, Have fun, I can drive this thing. Yeah. What I mean is you fuck up, and there was a gang of fucking houses to mow.

1:59:32 Get a fucking job carrying bricks around all day. I'll think about working on a construction site and carrying bricks and cinder blocks and bags of cement. blow somebody well yeah now actually there's a little bit of a They did a True Blood parody at New Sensations. guns on the poster sucker punch sucker punch yeah yeah the fuck? I haven't seen the preview yet but the posters look amazing.

2:01:34 Me too. I don't want you to depress me No, I haven't seen it yet. I don't know if you would like it. But that's also because I've actually done DMT, and I'm like, the representation of it is so simple. If you really got into it. King's Speech, He wears a big spike collar. I'm waiting for Cowboys and Aliens. It's not interesting to me. I just stick to just animation.

2:03:58 Haha, I wear glasses. I'm not hot. It's Ralph, what is his name? It was just really cool science fiction sort of futuristic animated movie. Yeah. on South Park's, man. Are you on that? But what they did to Carlos Mencia was the most ruthless shit I'd ever seen in my life. and not be funny? how about the Tom Cruise agree didn't when when didn't they get um didn't what the fuck's his name isaac hayes didn't he he

2:06:14 She shows her true colors. fucking came together. you should be no better way from this studio for like four weeks And you're like, fuck. whiskey, wah, or whatever. He talked about it on the Greg Fitzsimmons show. You know, basically. Yeah. I drank, like, five whiskey drinks, am I controlling myself? When you're partying. Yeah. Yeah. Naked? traveling so much and it was great slept in a bowling alley yeah parking lot of bowling alley

2:09:11 Perhaps. Oh. Brian also has a podcast of his own. And find out which they are and thanks for tuning in Um, no. rejection letter for your butthole.