Joe Rogan Experience #884 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 She would take her shoes off, throw them to the audience La Lupe, 19, I mean she was a fucking crazy bitch Look at this crazy bitch. She throws at rings? What is it? something has to be out in the open right now, I'll say it. I'm as Cuban as can be. what you're gonna get. You know what you're gonna Her mom was a yeller, screamer. The shoes come off.

2:50 enough i got left back that's how good the pussy was i got left back in school seventh grade i It's completely overwhelming. You're doing the finger motions. time it was kind of sketchy we had some kind of crazy neighbors with this one kid his name is And I go, you go up in her? It doesn't make any sense. Yeah. And when you're around girls, they hug you

6:03 you're emotional. Like we had a dude in my neighborhood balls with us and whiff a ball and that's the guy you go up to and you go hey man can we talk to you 7.30 we come over and we go, Nelson, Come around to my window tonight about 8 o'clock. Like, what's cum do? uncles like that or friends like paulie hudson no he he made me nervous i tried to avoid him

8:32 In this neighborhood, I was like, fuck, these kids are scaring the shit out of me. it was at least just kind of a poor neighborhood. But apparently now they have some nice bars and Have you ever tried to look at real estate? How is that $5 million? Like regular rent. I was like, holy shit. I would go down the shore because I'm familiar Doesn't he have like a beach house?

10:38 Yeah. It still takes you off the 34, 35. down wet moots with water you know let me ask you this Frankie Edgar's got to be the king It's like after he won, he said, say Tom's River. What you do is you go down there and you put on some nets. Then they would go home and make a sauce with the fucking crabs, I would never fucking try because I wouldn't trust how to.

12:40 And you would have to get it out afterwards. Yeah. anyway dungeness that's what it was j Jesus Christ, it was spectacular. It was like Blue crabs from Maryland, right? Is it a rock crab? Rock crab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wind up getting out of there. that crab has something that will make you sick. Somebody said that's what it is. when they had one of those stone crab rolls,

15:33 things are delicious because you got the steamers right with the tails and you don't like Cherrynecks. They have more snap to them. but there's spots where you can go where they don't cook it. Two different worlds, man. I mean, what year did sushi come out? Really? If you think about it, culinarily speaking, if you could do that, that's a long ass time.

17:53 I couldn't say that honestly because I went to a couple places. where you can at least sort of get by. even though it's an accelerated culture and obviously they and then these really slick, streetwise dudes have moved into spots, around. We bombed them. You want to go down and eat Vietnamese fucking egg rolls? Bob Sapp told me that. No, no, no. something's eyeballs or something.

21:32 looking right at you. But it just becomes something different. But that's the same thing here. Oh, really? So they always say the fish order comes Tuesday or something, and Thursday, that's when you get sushi. I can't imagine it would be very long. but it used to be for sure. So they free, What's a seamonger? That was his thing. You go to, like, 20 restaurants, and you go, listen, I have salmon, I got calamari, and I got yellowtail.

24:45 Rudy's is basically a calamari restaurant. And that's what happened. He got smart. So all he had to do now is add up His money changed every day. His money changed every day. New York had a power outage Now you want to think about the future and buy a bunch of fish? Like 12 hours that time in New York. And Yeti coolers, they make these outdoor coolers

27:23 They have a seal. If you want your ice to fucking stay for seven days. And you would have an ice box in your refrigerator and that's where you keep your milk and whatever you're going to eat that day. You opened up, pull out packages of meat, packages of chicken. That's how they took care of their meat. And then today you went to a fucking diner and they have little packets.

29:22 You'd call your Viking friends. That's literally what people were doing. They close it. Yes. out him with a fucking fucking hit with you yeah you know I was a kid I used to I'd have to fucking turn it off and let it come down a little bit. It was this hot fucking chunk of metal in your house. Giant fucking heavy things. you'd fucking burn. Yeah. No.

32:45 Fuck you. You should have told me this on the invite. a little bit of air, something to just... That shit don't happen here. But it happens but it happens that day you invite me over the house to watch the fights or something That's what they want to do. Is air conditioning bad for you? I just want to be comfortable a little bit. I just hate tattoos.

34:58 She goes, I'm going to give you a shot. Listen, if you don't find the vein this time, we go home. I hate all that shit. Needles, do drugs intravenously like, that's next level. When someone says, this guy does a lot of coke, Let's slow something down. It's horrible. They called it THC crystal. THC. It was, you know, they called it THC you put them in a little bit of water and you boil it.

37:16 What does it feel like? Loved it. It's totally different. Wow. Gone compared to an edible. It's not like doing an edible. The crystal career. and you were doing the fucking THC crystals and all that shit so I said fuck it I'll just take the day off Had to be 10 in the morning. And you would roll it and smoke it, And three hours in, she told me she was pregnant.

40:23 I never forgot that. and talked and read the daily news That kid It's like it gives you a good time. You'll get off of it. You want me to tell you what the worst poison I've ever done is? when I went in. I'll have a Dewars and ginger ale on a flight somewhere, you know? I was early and I was looking through your whiskey thing, that Jack Daniels, the Sinatra.

43:26 I cannot drink and drive I'm at a point in my life I can't take drunk people. you know it's part of the problem so some people are great drunks some people you know they'll have but you don't really know how you sound to sober people. Like three puffs, I threw it away. it gets to your bones. even the Oxycontin and those pills, that's synthetic heroin.

46:03 It's a fucking week-long horror show of puking and it fucked with me for a while. But I just when I got divorced, it ruined me There'd be blood splatters on the walls from him missing the vein. and it creates some sort of a weird effect. sniff just to keep him together during the week. Oh my God. We were doing coke, and in the middle of everything, He just took off his shirt and started doing push-ups

48:49 But he was addicted to the needle going in his ass, Yeah. Once they talked about needles, that's when I go home. They give you free syringes Oh, like a kit. And he goes, we all stand around. Just jam it into each other. Have you ever thought about that? Like, how does that develop? I've always It came back. As soon as I lay down in bed, I get itchy as a motherfucker.

52:05 Like, when I first moved to L.A., I had something. If you had to guess. Just try to power through the gonorrhea. but that's what VD is. mark on her face. this. It's not even funny. It was really sad And we went in there while I was waiting for him. gotta be careful out there it's a jungle that was the thing when we were kids like someone has vd That's so fucked up.

55:09 she didn't like me like she she just didn't like me for some reason i didn't think the world of her right? That guy had a massage parlor years earlier. And I had like a bag of coke. It was 3.15 in the morning. She's got a robe on. I'm like, I want to suck your pussy. So I waited outside for her. I'm on Tunley Avenue, North Bergen. We finally register.

57:43 There goes this night. And all of a sudden she looks at me. In 1984, She pops up on Facebook about two years It's fucking tremendous. And I probably did. I got crabs after Like I saw something jump, and I'm like, what the fuck? I had to bring a bomb into the room, like one of those fucking bug bombs, and leave for 12 hours. Do you have a bug problem?

1:00:01 They had like a flea collar that you'd put on your dog, but it barely worked. And we had carpet. And then figure their way right back onto your leg. yep yep yeah that's a giant issue if you have dogs. I had a dog once that had distemper. And we put him down, man. He wound up dying in a car I won't do it. I won't do it. Is when you get married, your wife

1:03:20 Now she gets to recognize you for you. business fucking some old dude. There's a lot of really hot women that are like fucking some guy marriage there's gay people that legitimately love each other and they want to get married I don't know. They lose money. That's great. Yay. Oh, fuck yeah. When I could do comedy marriage. You know, I didn't know what marriage was when I first got married. I'll tell you what,

1:06:30 I didn't think you had to pay attention or go to a date night or fucking have to put time into them. Not just doing stuff with, or want to, you know, want to see things through your perspective and that you want to see things It's hard out there. But we also know them like that too. Like little things that they don't understand. You don't think about it that way because you don't do it, but you gotta understand it's the same thing.

1:09:00 He's got cockeyed. She, well, at first, when we broke up, she went to Florida. There you go. Curves went out of business? No one's ambitious. When you say embrace your curves, yeah, definitely. What are you saying? If you had a men-only gym? They want to look at them. and they do squats and fucking, they're doing like, I just walk right past them. Big ass neck.

1:12:37 hitting on a girl there's like a certain element of danger involved in that right the girl like I mean, they go to those gyms to get picked up. It's just certain gyms call for that, man. fucking flying out of the bottom of there you gotta be careful it's a dangerous move but you're Squats. When I first started going to one in Hollywood. She would always wear gray sweatpants,

1:15:28 She was hot and fucked tremendous. I would look at it and shake my This is it. I was disappointed. Yeah. No. Remember, the front patio was basically wasted space But she opened it just so she could drink. Before we came back, But apparently, I was watching Almost Famous the other day. It's supposed to be 1969. Wasn't that like the 1930s or something?

1:19:22 Vegas. I think the 50s. stay at that hotel next door that was the spot where you just checked in when you weren't on tour like how many people were whacked in that spot, the rock days, how many people probably OD'd 20 years that place was in my life. has Mitzi Shaw seen you yet? fat baby sit over here next to me fat baby let me see your stomach let me rub it and then she would

1:22:15 I was living in New York City. and just went around the city and did comedy. and I go, let me go get a spot over there. because I'm not going to keep doing this. I get it. Sorry about that. I had read a couple books by that fucking writer, that one that wrote for Lucille Ball. Oh, yeah, that's a great book. All right, tell him to go on stage. and I was determined to get on stage every night.

1:25:21 I never knew that you built from that. You know, I was driving a limo some days. or fucking Bill Cosby or nothing. He let me ride to the city for free. Between rent, child support, clothes, reefer, cocaine, and the fucking... you know yeah when you see someone that's already doing comedy clubs and headlining places and Get out of here. I kind of get it now. I kind of get it now.

1:28:32 You're too caught up in the idea of delivering it to understand what it's like to receive it. through every now and then a new tagline comes through that makes you laugh and a new moment I had 40 minutes of six years, right so you look at max holloway's nine in a row hits hard hard of a line crazy roofer, every day the job I'll just build a box around it. You follow me?

1:30:57 I was a headliner four years, Dog, I know there's a 50-50 shot. up that place. And you But if you go up there and just run with that energy its experience in my world, you know He talks to you. because he's been doing it for years, to pop that leg over I go, hard times i've had at the comedy store when you're dying at a club and it's a feature headliner mc

1:33:23 I either do great or i fucking die i die I wonder if in music it helps the performers if they get occasionally a real small crowd. If you're lucky. When I shot the first 25 years, you shoot a special, and you're still fucking up? you know they're not done right away you got to go over them you got to listen to recordings Because I did something this year that i knew

1:36:11 And every two weeks, I add a tag to that joke, Right. Yeah. But what you're telling me is guess what? And one day you're going to be able to do three hours. you're done. That's why I didn't call for spots this week row you you go to stuff i want to deprogram myself you know before the special i didn't want to keep the stones will play a song it don't sound like what you were used to listening to it because over

1:38:57 I think going to see live bands is good for us too. you're going to fucking tell me I wanted a little Leonard Skinner in my comedy. You watch Led Zeppelin from the garden. Half and half. I don't care. He was hanging out with this 40-year-old hot broad. 50 feet in. Cause in my world Joey don't drink The eight ounce ones. You know, whatever. You didn't know that, Joe?

1:42:27 I go, did I get the role? It's the worst movie of all time. We're all in prison they'd go, no, you got to go see Rodney. man. That's Rodney fucking Dangerfield, man. Have you ever heard some of the backstories to that? for comics. Right. where Barry Sobel wanted to wear a leather jacket. I don't know if you remember. I'm going to fire you and replace you with George Lopez.

1:45:20 Wow. Great Woods is like the concert place. And Rodney, I didn't see a fucking man bill cosby's there i wasn't paying attention to him he was there and i didn't and I'm seeing Roddy Dangerfield's green room, and he's walking around with his bathrobe on. You know, he was an old man. First off, Sinatra's so badass, bro. It meant that's a bad motherfucker, dog.

1:47:47 yeah crank this up no the people can't If you're watching this on YouTube, you'll have to listen to the audio version of it. It's called, what's the name of it? This is the best Joe Rogan. I don't know. What's that? Don Rickles is down at the Canyon Club. Regis, the guy from TV? Did it pass already? Yeah, all the time. But that was the problem. I go, what are you doing?

1:50:49 It's a lot better. Doug was doing a lot of those bar shows, I want to sit down. And you can't blame them. I didn't even think about it. Chaos. I wouldn't do that either. Now, at music shows, you sit down and then you stand up too Coachella? You get to see a bunch of different people. The Houston one? I think two or three years. Empty. Ever. Didn't John Wesley have something to do with it for a while?

1:54:19 It had some great names. I'll tell you where I went. All these cities have one marquee room, two little underground rooms. And you hear who's collecting. Comedy is an all-time high but Portland is the Houston of mm. You could see it Seattle's a notch above L.A. in a lot of ways. They're like more themselves. Like they're not as affected overall. Yes.

1:56:54 What's a secret show? Wednesday night. You're going to get people Yeah That's interesting He has a secret show and put 30 people The secret with him is you don't know. That's when you have a real reputation. I don't really like him. i only seen the sun for two hours and three days. They've been living like fucking Jack Nicholson in The Shining we don't know what's going to happen in Colorado this year.

1:59:38 Whoa. Two days, it's cool. 8 inches, 12 inches a day. on the bottom. That's what it's called a base and just jumping off the helicopter with skis Goes up your asshole And in Seattle Are you worried Dog, your buddy's got... It's legal. I take a little bit. It smells like gunpowder in the pussy. shit. I don't know how many milligrams they had, but It's got a kick.

2:04:10 It's like Quaaludes. and another gummy might be from another batch. It's like an expired Vicodin. I popped that motherfucker down. Even after I go to Portland How strong was it? When you were on radio, did you start swearing? Last time I wore them was probably when I had the surgery, Maybe somebody gave it to me And I washed over it I took a half At the club on Friday night

2:06:52 And the power I go yeah She looked at me and said, do you want me to still go up there? No. That's a pretty fucking sensitive fire alarm. Oh, fuck yeah. I'm going to start a goddamn stampede. That's nice And stuff like that It's probably standard. Because one of his neighbors came to the show. Oh, right? Yeah. Somewhere in Oregon, right? Yeah. Because one of his neighbors

2:08:51 Yeah. Kowloon's. She's the stripper, the DJ, the doorman. Remember that? A city? That word Hollywood. Great comedy club. Giggles. It was fun, too, because you'd travel around all these weird spots How many of those did we do? he would eat the seeds and fucking flick them up in the air. i gotta go to work at six it also getting is so fucking tough but it's not yeah it's not really

2:12:02 Yeah. motivator is a shitty set. and they'll see it again, but now it's got all these extra things going on. And it comes out tomorrow. And I don't know which one is worse, you know. And he goes, why not? When I first, I got here January 29th, and like two weeks later, it was Super Bowl. like you know when it ends Like, it was not supposed to be in there.

2:14:32 And I think he had like one spot that was TV. Comedians, stand-up comics, you know, so-called... There was shit. I was letting go at night like you come up to me and go that's a good bit That's what this taught me. It was a whole complete different education for me. In fact, you know what happened to me? jokes sometimes that even if you think I got four of them on there.

2:17:12 Brian Callen. In fact, I'm doing radio. I'm calling So CISO is owned by NBC. They could stream your fucking special at work. eight to eleven yeah pretty much working people only watch television from 8 to 11. That's changed now. I go to work now at 9 and put earbuds on, Like IT, a lot of tech people. It's not 8 to 11 no more. desk. I can watch Game of Thrones

2:19:26 I don't understand none of that stuff. What percent of all movies are on iTunes? And I was like, oh, wow, how weird. So I think they're still buying movies and putting them on. there would be three, four levels of them. after I kidnapped Vela. For the time. If I watched it And then he triangles the guy out in the grass. Yeah, it was Gary Busey, right?

2:22:16 Even with sticks. Boom, he gets slammed that the cop was such a badass And they fought in front of three other cops. Guy looked like Phil Simms. That's how crazy it was. Wow. So when the cops got there, I was on top of them. They pulled us off. I was going back to prison. I thought they were going to violate me. He was beating the fuck out of me, but then he slipped in the snow. So when the cops got there, I was on top of them.

2:24:19 The guy goes, hey. All of a sudden they talked and they put Okay? Cops letting people fight is strange. Gladiator days. on undisputed let me excuse me go ahead go ahead pete that kid undisputed is based on a real story Movie similarities to real life Tyson saga undisputed. in jail and not tell anybody about it i think the what was about it What are you looking up, Jamie?

2:27:01 and trust your memory? You're going to bring in went to jail Yeah, I'm not sure. that's when it was which is really crazy then you find out that that never happened. It was a setup. He was released. Three years With the Kevin Ferguson Okay. You pay attention to boxing? 51. We'll see. I mean, everything looks smooth as fuck, man. It's amazing that you could even consider that this guy at 51 years old should be allowed to fight professionally.

2:31:13 clinch a lot frustrate a lot of guys but he also could crack you know and he just was a really good So smart with how he takes care of his body. He's working out with John David Jackson, who is a two-division world champ, I believe. Him and Sergey Kovalev. Him and Sergey Kovalev work He used to work out with Terry I got to stop by and say hi to him.

2:33:08 Beat the fuck out of cancer? What kind of cancer was it? It was like hitting a wall. I'll try to call. Justin was one of the first guys where his gym, I ever saw, I mean he had like a vacuum attached to it or something like that that was sucking air out of there No, next weekend Okay, that's what I'm saying I don't have anything booked until Portland.

2:35:26 It's me, Russell Peters, and Big Jay Oakerson. something like that we were just joking around and then I talked to Big J I'm like, what are you doing Friday night? That place has an energy. I got to tell you something. I hate it. That's the band Me and him were perfect And we ran out of it 14,000 tickets a week, Nobody would sign them. like, they're going to talk about all this shit you did when you did comedy.

2:38:36 I forget which one. He slams him down on the ground. He beat the fuck out of that dude. but after i watched this documentary joe i fucking like i still don't like the music that much incredible and every time they were gonna get signed something else happened just like they kept getting kicked in the fucking ass. That guy's a radio host now, isn't he?

2:40:55 Yeah, he was really cool. I'm talking to this guy, and after 10 minutes, I realize this is the guy that sang, Put the video on. Want to play a little bit of it? Give me some volume, young Jamie. you see these people. what? Look at him. Man, well, you can't take this away from him. Cuts through the door with his guitar laser. Okay? The look on Jamie's face.

2:43:53 Look at that Look at that outfit. 83. I was born in the beginning of 83. Joey for two months free. Pssh. Happy New Year.