Joe Rogan Experience #89 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. One of my favorite as it's happening so I gotta have a canoe on the top of my roof there. When you live by Venice, you really must take into account that we, just like Japan, are What would people if people don't know the Richter scale how it works every one point is? ever... I don't trust all the... turn down everybody's headphones.

2:42 Don't freak out, Brian. Is that a bat? It was a horrible experience. then you ate those shrooms and it was awesome why don't you drink the tea and it was so clean did And then I saw, I started seeing myself from the side. I'm a coat hanger knobby knees like your friend that we were talking about in the kitchen. I know. He just won his last fight. And he's a K-1 champion. He's fighting in the UFC now. He just won his last fight.

5:18 And I believe they said if you're Samoan, you are 55 times more likely to play in the NFL than any white guy on the planet. And fast. badass, but for whatever reason, never really totally and I believe, I don't want to misquote him, but I think he said he put 420 on his shoulders to a bar, you know? He caught John. Yeah, he was rough. You wonder as more and more money ventures into MMA, some of those guys who are playing,

7:33 take a look at their heads. He was a wide receiver, yeah. Your brain actually shrinks and all kinds of things happen. But they're starting to link, they think, and now it really raises a huge question, So it really does. That's right. Well, you know, Rugby. Have you ever seen that thing that they do? That's the New Zealand All Blacks. Yeah. and take a look

10:38 you would think it's stupid They work themselves into a frenzy, man. That's in their heart, right? and the guy's like when he goes and then he comes back and he goes what'd you say I look like he goes Rudy Rudy because he said because as he walked out he goes he had rid of nerve he was do everything I do but he's not looking but made it really sexual

12:14 Jimmy Burke, like that someone would do that. One of my favorite believe me, honey. He's so fucking funny, I'm going to be in New York And by the way, by the way, he's in very good shape. He goes, he loves kids he's like hi And his face looks like it's plasticine. How about this? He's a true monk. Click. And he rides by me in a down jacket, cowboy hat, and no pants.

15:19 He's got little red hairs on it. Like Gollum. And he just... balls, just swinging like a pendulum outside. What is he doing for a living these days? It's a private jet. Nothing. He just goes to Tibet. are going to, at some point in time, He came down with tuberculosis, but they didn't know what it was because he had been exposed to it by his grandfather when he was three years old.

17:47 You seem so normal. very very bright guy that's why it's it's so strange that guys like that almost always in And it's not like anything he's self-conscious about either. Yeah. What do you guys think about that? Have time this weekend? Hey, did you see what Gilbert Godfrey said about Japan? He's pretty funny. I think that's fair. Yeah, that's right.

20:04 Listen, that's for girls and retards. That's what LOL's for. Are you a girl? No. Then what's with the LOL? Okay? Listen, immediately making jokes I think a lot of men I think what he said was hilarious. Gilbert Godfrey. Don't worry, another one will float by soon or something like that. We did an episode of CSI together, and slaps his pizza onto the ground and says, your mother's a cunt. And Louis C.K. just walks up to him and slaps his pizza onto

21:59 we have a relationship like that, where he just I've got to read one of them. he would be laughing his fucking ass off. Listen, man, I don't think it's right to say he's a good guy. listen, who just randomly got caught. It's just that he's looking for the laugh. And that's okay. The last thing somebody who's going through a tragedy needs is a bunch of other people acting really somber around that person.

24:40 and it does take some of the sting out of it. You know, it's way over there that he doesn't even think about it. Yeah, one time I was doing, I do every year, But he just kept going, fuck the children. Because he lives to be funny. No, no, no. look, I'm being fucking edgy. Yeah. Yeah. a meat pod he goes ah fucking anthropod made of meat you're a fucking you're not you're a fucking all fours walking meat puppet hey meaty meaty mule better to hang your slack face true much

27:48 Here's one. floating by any minute now. you've got to accept it when it's something that either is close to home The joke actually makes the idea of, I mean, how could you hurt anybody worse than losing a loved one? And never finding them. And then you realize, how much fucking water is there out there? million bucks like they're really expensive in malibu yeah in malibu and i'm like wait a minute

29:29 Like, I remember to the left-hand side It was just like it moved in its sleep. The East Coast has to worry about the Canary Islands. I mean, they just go underwater. It's also pushing. I mean, it's got fucking cars in it. Tsunamis, I guess, start underwater that fast. That's like those rogue waves when you're on a cruise. the shit out of me. off the boat.

32:02 What do you mean? Sirens call? Really? in the Odyssey, and then you drown. Are they sirens? I forgive them even for movies that end with no ending. Still holds up. That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about. You're friends with the chick who directed Twilight? But he's a vampire. I was like, well, it's not a bad movie, but there's been way worse movies.

34:27 Saw the book. Try to live the book. Yeah, it's like an achy love sort of horror movie. I guess, on Fear Factor. job, and they all stumbled yo, his daughter now of her life. girl i have to tell you that you know that you are always attracted to girls that look like they may cry. Let me get in my horse and ride over there and save you, Danzel. I had to.

36:46 this girl by that I'm dating. And I go, really wrong with someone, bizarre and shaky and weird. Let's get out of here of the story is, Tell the story. No, it's just. what's tricky is that adderall stuff which is kind of like a speed right i mean it's a form of speed With speed. Great guy. He told me once, I ran into rest his soul, and all that good stuff. Great guy.

38:59 Maybe he didn't have a heart attack. Yeah, But he's on it all day. but man, That's Adderall, bro. and they're like oh my god i can't even go to school without adderall i was like what like what are you talking about Otherwise, he doesn't get nervous. He's much better at playing. but the debate still is It's just an interesting debate. It's like when Bloomberg in New York, Mayor Bloomberg, made restaurants were not allowed to provide foods that had trans fats.

41:57 That's why he's here, folks. Let's take white flour and sugar. that they can. And nowadays, everybody can get information. I'm always amazed that so It doesn't make the world a safer place. We're going to have it at 55, 65 You could spend more money on airlines. why don't they put a big parachute Nobody even talks about it. You're fucked anyway, bro.

44:31 What you need is some sort of adamantium, of heroin with bubbles who can take more impact when you're shrooming I have this bit about the Mayans. Because they disappeared. sacrifices and the whole thing just fell apart. They would become berserkers. Yeah, well, you know, listen, man. Like we think of war as like something to be avoided, the way they would fight is like the way they would fight.

47:14 I'd learn the bow and arrow quick. Did they really rock it like that? You died of things like tetanus, diphtheria, whooping cough, smallpox. Yeah, wolves used to eat stronger and bigger. Did you hear about the wolf pack They were killing bears, right? killing horses. And there's 400 That's nuts. ago. distemper and then the whole pack dies you know they just spread it back and forth i had a dog

50:26 even if you watch plays, there was always, everybody had dealt with different kinds of But he was basically walking and standing, and then he got polio when he was at the height of his power. The population has dramatically increased. The other thing that's amazing it's in Chile, whether it's in China, whether it's in New Zealand, we find out about disasters, whether it's in Chile, whether it's in China, whether it's in New Zealand.

52:30 And I'm talking about the first century's Pharisees or the Essenes. Well, that's the problem. No one's read that contract. We say, if I work really hard, I'm going to get this job. because they'll say, a lot of times we have a contract come to the table and we say, this and then people who became That just means the lottery winners are retards. Who are able to kind of.

55:25 And we are all raising children with the same ignorance that we have about what this is all about. No, they work hard. perspective normal things like our own mortality the the mortality of our very climate the mortality who had their missiles that the Soviet Union was. So I think people, you're right, I think people, for the most part, Bigger asses now.

57:48 I had a thought, you were talking about You're worried we're're gonna lose the white Sort of, but it's always from the childhood. Yeah, and no, because you are One of a hundred That didn't Through vines Anyone with a That's really Like, what the fuck? It's just that dance that constantly goes back and forth. It's just this constant dance, man. Yeah, you are too.

1:00:35 No, man. everyone's talking about what Gilbert Gottfried said is karma because of the terrible Who asked you, Hooker? I'm sure he thinks about you all the time. Look, the fact that we worship actors Golf! Because I think both are equally ridiculous. You've got to deal with your performance anxiety. Dude, don't ever pick up a golf. very little about joe for example he can he can draw really well he's a notch below pro

1:03:19 And you... I always have dirt underneath my fingernails. He drags me to the store store and he's getting these handles. it's for Quake. Dude, you have no idea See, I've always been the Unreal 3 engine, but but i was my joke was like in 20 years the war hero is not going it's not even manned it just takes takes off. Dude, Hellfire missiles. Like a foot of steel.

1:05:57 Because that's a big thing about playing online. but other people have to connect and get the information through the Internet. no doubt about it, you're going to have a slight delay. Well, what's weird about that is the human reaction can get to the point where you can barely measure it. they they they found that when they shot back in the day they'd be shooting it here the guy closest

1:07:55 an advantage, and they win. To act as like little paddles? So if you were built like Husamar Palhares, you'd be a terrible swimmer because you wouldn't How many of those guys do you think are doping? armstrong bro i'm sure they're going after him this is which is weird it's like they get him on They're going after him to set an example and lock him up for something that everyone's

1:09:51 It's a big difference. How weird is that? which is one of the great things But don't they lock people up If you say, I'm not telling on my friend, you can go to jail for that. And then Scooter Libby, I'm not sure if I'm getting all my facts right, but Scooter Libby, it turns out, was pardoned by the president later on, And if you got the stuff and you got the medal, you might just be a millionaire.

1:12:12 I used to always hear something. being able to say something against my government, being able to do all the things I take for granted, or a dictatorship like the royal family essentially is in Saudi Arabia. He was so desperate. And saying that in these governments, like Egypt and both places where they have, You can't keep information away from people.

1:14:08 Did he say that? Who knows what the fuck Abe really said yeah you know abry lincoln was a racist well he was trying to encourage black people to move to south america Then you're gonna call me gay Out for like longer Yeah, there had to be a first guy back then to try to wrestle a bear, too. I believe that, well, it probably started in Spain. Well, because there's, because, you know, the Madeira Bull.

1:15:34 a fighting bull on foot The first time a bull ever sees a human being on two feet by law in Spain They still die. Is there a lot of money in being a matador? The bull. Have you ridden a bull? it's ever been. They are not. he's a fucking training bull? Well, you were talking about it to me in the kitchen. And it shook him lazy, in a lazy way. and I guess the guy didn't have his arms up or something,

1:18:18 There's a million fish die in the Redondo Beach Harbor. is figure out how all these chemicals, when we're around them all the time, in the perfect combination? we know that sonar roof of your building. But when you do that, you've got to eat bugs. two wheat strains, but when you take Well, have you seen all the WikiLeaks documents It flies in the air. Yeah, and then they sue those people.

1:21:07 People want efficiency, but why in the world, when I go to most cities, can I only eat at a corporate chain? everybody's trying to sell me something I don't need. And I understand that progress... If you read, almost every ancient religion I think it's a great question. with the same problems What does this all mean? But we'd be competing with resources and we'd still have wars.

1:23:46 Yeah. They thought it was going to be a bunch of different wild canids and, you know, different... They've bred them. know people say well we're we kind of seem to have stopped evolving physically then, beings. Whatever the fuck caused it, who knows? but the real lineage is there's a bunch of different primates the fact that a great I hate jazz It's like, what are we supposed to be doing with that?

1:27:11 Why? But then why? stood on the i stood on the shoulder of giants you guys all talk about me being i invented calculus Yeah, I was like, really? It seems that we are evolving in our understanding of more and more of how even animals think. Yeah, I mean, that's what Kurzweil believes. you can duplicate it in an infinite amount of times. And I think the reason why it's set up in a weird way is to encourage competition.

1:30:10 I like to ask the next question, It's that memory of feeling alone. Not comics. Yeah, a lot of times. Right. you did a sketch show in mad TV. you've done, You're fucking freaking out. a comic, you had to deal with the fact that, man, if I it, it is absolutely, of course, uncertain. You'd have to start doing coke. I'm happy I did it. These guys, when they start trash-talking each other on the internet, you know how I look at it when I look at two fighters who are about to trash-talk each other?

1:34:17 And he said, I'm the greatest. It's the greatest. Have you heard Mike Tyson talk? No, yeah, the pay-per-view match between Miguel Cotto and Ricardo Mayorga. I was like, wow, maybe he's just tired. to the UFC, Brian and Ari and Joey, He'll start just rants and raves about this happening and that happening. When did it really start to gel? What they would do.

1:36:35 I'm completely objective about it. or obsessing patterns that you see in movement and critiquing behavior and training them or obsessing patterns that you see in movement That dude is just amazing. man. And he just does it perfectly. He's just trying to. Adam Carolla can ramble, bro. about twist ties, like should cover up I said to him, and I go, you know what? I said, I've decided you might be the best in the world at what you do.

1:39:16 be the best improviser in the world. And I thought, Yeah, he's a great guy. additions on his own he's a real american he is a real american baldwin brett farve before he went He's got a Lamborghini back there, I think. to go on and and post things when I have time. There's no way I can keep up with the replies. Listen, bitch. I hate cats what's wrong with this guy

1:41:45 I know. The other one was good, but the no camera thing just really made me never want to use it that much. Yeah. You don't need one. on a regular sun. And I remember walking to the venue. was like, What is he saying? Everybody's like, Yeah, there was no room for humor When we were with Tank Yeah, just beat your ass. He'll put you to sleep, and I've never felt the hand that strong this

1:44:31 You know? That, like, ran off into the trees. Oh my god. don't even eat meat All they do is roll around and they have arm drags Jiu-Jitsu, Of course. they were watching It's just so weird that they're so big and that they eat plants. really aggressive they have little dicks yeah and they have little dicks i have a bigger dick than Really? Yeah, they stand 10 feet or higher.

1:47:15 You ever seen them eat pilot whales through the ice? Good question, Brian. Thank you. Hold that question for a second. We'll they'll kick the shit out of a gorilla. Solid question, Brian. Solid question. Good question, Brian. It actively targets human beings on a regular basis. until finally he was on the one ice sculpture. the ice island right next to them,

1:48:40 of them. That's a bear. Good luck. Seven minute audio tape. Those are my calves. Eating. Yeah, they're mean Like an adolescent polar bear Into a cage with a big polar bear or even a smaller polar bear like an adolescent polar bear into a So they'll follow a female running I'm tired, mommy. Yeah, they have to store up. But I'm like, I don't want to eat a bear, man.

1:50:48 You can eat black bear. That's what I call my dick. Why are we cruising slow? He's just all into hunting with bows and runningliest man ever. He's ultimately my favorite American. So he's going to take me somewhere. Five years. He's a lifelong athlete. This Machida fight in Toronto is very interesting Meanwhile, he's doing, like, The Expendables 2. He's doing movies. He's a Machida, bro. I didn't know that. Meanwhile, he's doing The Expendables 2.

1:53:13 I'm such a girl. for a young man both sides of the spectrum. a real life strength I don't need to i kept looking at my plane ticket and i was going to fake an injury so i could go home high school And you had to wrestle that day, too. where everyone else in his family is tall. Yeah, and he went to, and didn't go about it the right way. and they gain a tremendous amount of weight in a 24-hour period.

1:56:00 Yeah, perfect. how are you gonna get out the 170 he's like i'll make no problem he's got it down to a science i I think so. but is there going to be a GSP-Anderson Silva fight? about it. But you can't discount Jake He's got way better striking, way better hands, way better kicks than Jake. and submitted guys, in fact, in Abu Dhabi that submitted GSP.

1:58:02 And he's strong as fuck and his wrestling is outstanding, too. Yeah, I've talked to guys who train with him and they say that he's really punching in defense. Yeah, and elbowing. And he's strong as fuck, and his wrestling is outstanding, too. They were like, this guy's crazy. I'm kicking the bag. I'm telling you, man, I practiced it a thousand times. I was on this set. They were like, this guy's crazy.

1:58:40 They just work harder than everybody else. It's not even a discipline. I'm not good at taking out the garbage. So it's not even like a discipline thing. with blackjack or poker. You can have a good time no matter what. Some people say, well, I'm a coward. It might be to support talented people. There's writers. One is love, unconditional love, so she's not messed up. But I also believe that a large part of my job

2:01:26 And so much of my childhood, and it's not nobody's fault, but so much of my childhood I actually had to just go You know what I mean? people say, well, that I thought was really cool. You said to make a name for yourself, trying to be significant I'm happier now than I've ever been at any point in my life. I've seen that in you. I got into the salt water and it was really dark.

2:03:57 And I think I stayed in there for two hours, but I could have stayed in there way longer. It's an amazing environment, isn't it? You don't have to. It's the most valuable program ever, or the valuable tool ever, for reprogramming your that you see in your environment. eccentric. And one of the things he wanted to figure out was how to detach himself from his

2:06:02 in total blackness, total complete darkness. what is that, Or it does. the one that fields metal said, right? I just have antenna. this guy actually figured it out after 300 years. What is thought? I just made a new invention, they had to initially think up, it eventually manifests itself Newton's calculus these guys who were these seminal thinkers

2:09:18 all came from imagination they create things. Is it the diagram, There is no point. if the whole world It's not only that. people not fucking with other people's lives. and with facebook that no one's ever done before I think we're connected the way we've never been before in real time. Everything's pointing towards all these fucking events happening and people changing and technology accelerating at an incredible pace.

2:11:52 You know, there was a caterpillar that became a butterfly, and that is the human being. but they're going to and we're going to ever evolve into your hips are fucked up Brian Callen I'm going to have to go back for any inaccuracies. Brian. Duncan Trussell's new video. I made a video on my iPhone This is his thing. Gotham sold out. Next weekend, there's a few tickets left for the Moore Theater in Seattle, but that in a nutshell together. All right. This weekend, Gotham sold out.

2:14:11 at Helium in Portland. Freddie Lockhart, and we do it pretty much every Wednesday. It's like a VIP show right now. top-notch guys come down I have to do Brea yeah I think I'm closing 8 o'clock it's the new hangout Oh, I love the comedy hall. VIP service now, or valet service now, starting this Wednesday. You know what the fuck I'm talking about, bitches.