Joe Rogan Experience #892 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Where are you going? Jesus Fitzsimmons. I just hate my voice. I'm too embarrassed to correct them at that point. And now is the screen blue. I would say, yeah, men are much more Fucking chick lit? really are going to start getting, I think they're still making like 80 cents on a dollar. You know what that means? are executives that were doing the same job, leading the sales team and making less money.

3:02 Very little. Men tend to be more ambitious, more driven, as far as like nursing, like overwhelmingly, it's predominantly women. Yeah. and this is something that no one wants to say Just because, you know, men are just better looking. I mean, what do you got? Yeah. How old were you when you lost No, I got I was so confused. Had you hit puberty yet? I actually had sex before I beat off.

6:26 Like, I'm a slave to getting rid of this cum. Yeah. Like my body's tricking me into wanting to be near her and hang around with her. Like I'm just talking about my daughter is like this. No, I'm good, thanks. Holy shit. I go, is that weed? So he brings this bottle of tequila. because he doesn't drink and drive. And he's like, yeah, I'll take a And I'm like, where's your fucking house?

9:56 and he's like, no, no, you went too far. I told her I was going to be home at 1030. And, you know, his place is a hotel. He talked about that, right? But I think it was two solid years of them building this house. Yeah, we did and it wasn't lethal. So it was no big deal? Show us your tits Tuesday. And then Opie and Anthony got mad because they thought that Tom Lika stole the idea from them.

12:32 I was doing, you know, Bubba the Love Sponge, right? Or was it—wait, who did the lawsuit, Bubba or Hulk? this fucking rat, he had pissed the couch. I'm next. Something like that. and so he's waving it around and then he starts taking calls because he sent he sends this van and then all of a sudden it just ended. And I walked out, I felt like, uh, I felt like

15:52 It was a good dude. Jason Williams. Wow. That's how you go to the next stage of life? He spent 26 months in prison starting in 2010. it up or come forward and say A deep argument about ethics. But on the other hand, you did fucking kill a guy. I was speeding, and I killed a man. they're not you don't have to pay a lot of money but if you kill a guy who's supporting his family

19:57 Even though you're not supposed to drive home at night because of moose. They kicked him out. Yeah. And they were kind of checking it out Is that moose dead now? Fuck. noise under the car. I was grossed out for hours, just disturbed. Boom, look at that. Like, you have to fuck up to get an elk to attack you. he's just bang bang bang just getting pummeled by these. I mean, this thing is a thousand pounds.

22:46 They're just constantly like kicking at things. It's weird. bears they have to be like really aggressive because they're so big like you gotta feed If you want to go bear sighting, you want to go looking for bears and spot those big You usually kill something for the winter to eat, right? Oh, you did? You can't carry an elk on your back. I did it at this ranch,

25:10 It's very weird to see, man, because it becomes meat. One day they're going to have that. And I'm like, so what did you eat for Christmas? with some lettuce I go I mean, we have so much goddamn turkey meat in our fridge. like these prongs stick into it, Yeah. Because there's something like chickens and pigs. It's like a power supply to people. genetically made certain birds breed with certain birds.

28:48 How'd they do that? That's so sad. That's it. How many do they stack on top of each other? Imagine a hundred floors of chickens. And the mitochondria of the cell is this chicken. They're protein bars. They're not having a good time. They go into their nests again. They don't freak out when he comes near them. it's specific. but it's all got to be done as is a Tyson.

32:57 and you have to do things exactly the way they want you to. they catch tuna, they'll often age them for five days? When Jamie and I were talking about it, we were like, what are they going to do when they kill all the fish? The video is really cool. And there used to be areas where they restricted how much fishing went on, We need a guy who's got some balls,

35:11 That's like hanging out with a school bully and thinking you're safe Yeah. And when he takes a call from Taiwan, something as simple as that, all of a sudden China's talking about a nuclear buildup. What did he do? And they put it, And so they won't stop. joke around about talking about state. Like, how much territory? How big is Israel? and various reasons for being righteous.

39:52 and that they're going to throw a nuclear bomb over there. And the guy got duped by a fake news story and said some inflammatory shit about causing a war. I've probably been around for a long time. Right, right, right. Oh, fake news. Look at that A giant ocean of water A story she told when she was a kid. That's amazing. Yeah, I don't care where you put a boat in.

43:09 That's so crazy. stuff. It's nuts, man. Just from the weight of the glaciers pushing down on the land. So I'm in my rent-a-car, and snow starts as I'm driving. freak out and so i just pull what i think is to the side of the road because I don't know where I'm driving. Whoa. And so we did a, we did a show and so many people came Two days? We were snowed in.

46:26 that. But if a big one hit and you fucked up and you weren't paying attention, you could get Remember those black piles of ice? Yeah, that was why if you got an old car, you wanted to get a California car. But isn't that kind of the only way to ensure that shit's going to melt? Is that right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's like you're not supposed to have too much of it, but that's not what's wrong.

49:45 Everybody's fear. Yeah. Okay, where is it, Chad? sugar content of the food product with which it is in contact. This has the effect of drawing where it's so big, the particles, that you don't just get like... I mean, think about how difficult it must have been to get fresh food to a city in 1700. Yeah. I mean, I bet Kings had like airtight compartments. Yeah.

52:37 That had to happen too. came into play? Didn't they? The clap? She just showed me this morning. Koalas have chlamydia, right? Well, it looks like in this article it says koala, chlamydia, the STD threatening, and of a chimpanzee and maybe perhaps had an open cut. You got to fuck it. Yeah. I'm like Slapped me in my back like dude yeah it kind of like what you let

56:31 And he just slapped me on the back. down to the Cape of Good, and my son was about, They'll just come down and grab him. Fuck. Oh Well who's the woman Why did he need Xanax? I shouldn't say monkey, it's a chimp, whatever. Who do you think initiated the first time? She lets that chimp fuck her a couple of times, and then he keeps slinging dick her way.

59:05 That's a big chimp. They bite your fingers off. He's huge. Just ripped her apart. Yeah. Tore her face off. They bite your fingers off. Oh, he probably just when he clawed open the cop's cruiser door and flashed his bloody teeth. Holy fuck. and he's flashing his bloody teeth after he just ate some lady's face. Oh, my God. Poor lady. It's completely plausible, but I absolutely made it up for regarded as her son.

1:01:22 No, there's some hybrids right that uh that wind up being viable that's How many do you think they've documented now? Anybody who's over there in that spot who talks like that, I go, that Russian dude. So I get it. bitch. Well, as far as the cavemen go, yeah, they didn't used to 3000 BC, all of a sudden they just So there was, like you said, they coexisted.

1:03:35 Show me that again, Jamie. They were able to out-hunt Whoa. He tried to go the other way around, too. and died two years later. but rumor that he did actually did happen did not did not oh did not happen rumor that he did crazy superhero like Wolverine half human looking person put them on other animals How long ago did Neanderthals go extinct? Oh, I thought they killed them.

1:06:26 that whole guy his whole thing he made like an animated video of what it would look like I think so. absolutely think that they looked like. fanged up, you know, jacked humanoid kind of ape. so we see shit happen from decade to decade. crazy like you because we don't know what their soft tissue looks like but if you give them a Because they were a type of human.

1:09:29 The next night I can't even find out, I can't even find where I left off on the book. and she's asleep. Lunesta. But otherwise, and I'll lay there for hours Have you tried Yeah. Need you to do my 10-20 spot at the Laugh Factory tonight. You're saying why you're on sleeping pills. love that stuff. I don't know why Ambien is prescribed. It's the same thing with opioids.

1:11:51 I need to go to sleep. Well, it just seems like with all the options, like I know with Lunesta, I don't have these So Lunesta does it for you? Does it? It's got a nice little kick. Well, it's like black coffee. Yeah. we were calling it like a Guinness, But it's got 270 milligrams of caffeine. to, then heroin. It seems like pills might be worse than cigarettes because you can make rational decisions

1:14:17 So it's got you in a point of addiction So by that hand, if you could do that with booze, if you could do that, I think freedom I rein them in. to be there to make these decisions for them yeah yeah the the task of raising a human is probably I think men, the fact that I just said that to another man, that wouldn't have happened are all fucked up and neither one of them is a bad parent they're just doing it in opposite ways

1:17:02 which is good. they don't want you telling them what to do because they're little people and even though Listen, you got to get sleep. And you got to tell them, give them the association that they're making choices That's, man, so good i was like oh my god like everything feels great like i don't feel like i'm constantly at a Yeah. Yeah. yeah i mean it's like a mean, it's a guided sleep.

1:21:08 And that will guide you for the rest of the day. You're not being pushed from behind by the momentum of everything you've experienced over the last X amount of months. You know, I mean, I've always thought that. What are the steps that I need to get to that? So that's why I love the beginning of the year. And I'm just thinking about the amount of time that I spend just looking for something interesting, looking on Twitter feed. Looking on Facebook or on Instagram.

1:23:34 Look at that chimpanzee attacking a car. It's too hard to watch. It's too fucking scary This guy is on the fucking edge of a crazy skyscraper. What do you do after that? And he's walking on a bar. Oh, my God. and there's a picture of me when I was about 14 Dude, I got sweaty hands just looking at that. how many stories is that? Six stories. Hey, can I plug some dates?

1:26:39 Portland, Oregon Houston in March. I'll tell you that. that's right yeah it's good, Joey diaz i did it one year and I'm drinking it like a soldier. I go, this is fucking Joey Diaz. Because he doesn't work. you know, a splintered comedy world. comics, they work Largo a lot. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little slower, a little more esoteric. Because some people, it just doesn't.

1:31:10 want to be confined by this idea that it has to be set up punchlines, set up punchlines. So it is They have punchlines. I find that if I go through a run of clubs that are bad, like say Florida, it changes the way I'm doing stand-up. They're not paying attention. I just did Madison, Wisconsin. Yeah. Oh, oh. Yeah, it's a great little city. It's the Orphan.

1:34:07 And you see flashing like a light on the side of the road, But if you were driving down a snowy road in New Hampshire and you saw someone pulled And, you know, that that's community. It all comes to you. And realize, I realized at that moment, because I was so high, I was like, how fragile is this existence that we think is so concrete? And if those go, either one of those go, the city shuts down.

1:36:43 It's not a one like the is that that shit can These liberals in Hollywood that think they can talk down to you, Maybe we can get him some mushrooms. Maybe he will have a I can't do it. reacts that way it makes a difference it difference. It's really sheer numbers. And no commentators, right or left, were saying this is a good idea. And, you know, that- It's terrible.

1:39:47 Imagine what it's like to be someone who just by a bad roll of the dice, It's, I mean, there's pockets of the world that are living a sophisticated version of They found an uncontacted tribe in the Amazon. You have clothes? a bison diplomacy bison ecology i think it's called and one of the things he was talking about He was saying that when the Native Americans contacted the Europeans,

1:42:37 They had never experienced smallpox, measles, or flu before, Dislocated them and pushed them around. and he lived with them on the river for 20 years. I forget why he didn't go back. It had never happened before in all the years he was there. right i think so i'm writing that down i I need to see that. They'd eat your brain, right? But it's the thing that freaks us out the most, the idea of being just reduced to meat.

1:45:57 Fuck. Now, forget about all the shit they killed with guns. All the people liberal worrying about the Native Americans? and if they didn't do it, they would hack off one of their arms. on rocks. the people and declared this American, all that bullshit, and made friends with the Indians. the way there was in Europe. So they The Europeans were like, oh, we'll just get you to work for us or we'll kill you.

1:48:55 the thing that i want it's right there i mean i'm just gonna take that it's not anybody's nobody And it's all about generosity. If the shit goes down, I'm here with you. Do you think they lived like that a thousand years ago? You fucking from a long time ago, people go, ah, everybody was That's what gossip was. Who's doing weird shit. The girls who like it.

1:51:31 of it all pushing behind us it's hard for us to appreciate how weird it must have been to be our and land in the Bahamas. Wow. Kids would call them guinea wops. Yeah. was democracy Greek or Roman? And the opera. It's an incredible artistic expression, but rampant kid fucking. Well, you heard about a priest who fucked a kid. God thing and a Christian soldier thing.

1:55:47 The, whatever they're called, but they were handwriting Bibles by the fucking thousands. Is that what you call it? They didn't know you weren't supposed to fuck kids back then. You know, it's weird that hundreds of years ago people were just fucking kids. That's true. You don't want death by female horse or male horse if you're into that kind of shit.

1:57:58 You can eat them, but you can't fuck them. Then you're really just masturbating because there's not a living thing in your presence. you're supposed to do. But you can't fuck Somebody comes over for dinner, takes a bite. What's this nice cream sauce? And it's a breast. Then you just cover that bitch with KY. You're going to cook that shit because you've tenderized it.

2:00:21 That's gross. Oh, you want to fuck that thing? Which is so weird. So that's not intercourse with an animal, and blowjobs are free. Not the chick fucking a horse. This is just talking about if he could have gotten in trouble, That's the allegation. And then it broke it down that it would have mattered where it happened a cow in the head leave it to rot even though that's like the natural process is an animal

2:03:13 Then it's fair. Who is fucking these animals to the point And I just, it seems incredible to me that you don't hear all the, maybe it just does, That's weird a few guys are out there right now And when I say plus Mexicans, I'm not trying to be racist. now who has his balls covered in whipped cream That's good money. One person right now The entire country would light up.

2:05:39 You can marry an animal. do not criminalize bestiality yet What if you're gay for a male dog? but gay people can't get married that that is the way the fact that we let that stay on the books Just get out of the way. I think that was a year ago. She wouldn't, she wouldn't, personally She was a hero. And Trump is such a star fucker. Totally fucking with him.

2:09:10 Like, the fact that it's real, We just wanted to fuck with stuff. promoter was going to book it. who, I mean, it's not just that. It's like white which is like a guy But they, That's a little stronger than just mistresses. Yeah. Well, let's say groping. How dare you? Can you cut to third? Yes. Not saying it, but it's dark. Was that, in fact, Joe Rogan, immoral?

2:13:14 You know she finished when she got home. You know, it's unfortunate that that's, you know, And he's he's obviously playing it up and he's playing it up to an audience of one, not the audience of 80 million or however many people found out about it, When you're powerful. he's worth a lot of fucking money He likes the whole thing. I mean, that's standard for his operational procedure.

2:16:17 to be the most powerful man in his own mind means the spoils. Hmm. Now he's the president himself. you know, many hundreds of thousands. Three million. And she even avoided those States to build Clinton's fucking angst. Like too many liberals thought they had it in the bag. There's a lot of Instagram posts that I follow. to face and have you account for

2:18:38 idea if they if he is not successful he's got the Senate and Congress and the Supreme Court and the gubernatorial control. Donald Trump wins, and then a few years down the road, his son gets in? What if they're And people go, oh, you know, everybody's going to want their way. Yeah. that had happened to people Well, I don't think there should be one person.

2:21:34 That's literally what we need. And he came in and he broke that up. How long are we away from that? I should bring it back. Fuck it. My hair fell out. I'm going powdered wig. bro I'm not wearing the fucking wig like what day I should bring it back fanny packs and powdered wigs what All right, great. Yeah. Yes. Me too. That's it. No, did you? I did that the other day in my house.

2:24:08 I'm like, Jesus. But it was interesting because as soon as I got on the bowl, all of a sudden I had explosive diarrhea. Yeah, it's all the cream. You feel it out. Okay, we got a problem here, boys. And it's the same exact feeling that you get is when you're trying to hold come in. Your body just reabsorbs it, and it makes you super cyan power. and I've pushed it back in again.

2:26:28 Life would not be worth living. Okay, but once a day. Oh, no question. Like, oh, yeah, I forgot I bought this. Sly and the Family Stone. Like how many people go back and check out some of the old stuff? Really? of edibles he did how much how much is a gummy bear 20 i like 20 i like 30 the fuck up that And your body just clears it out of the way. He's given me plenty.

2:30:12 He gets high when he smokes it. Like normal. hat on. Sure, go. went up a bump. Yeah, milder. How many hits is that? Eh, fuck it. But he was talking about how he left. My dad had that Constitution, you know? You know Justin. bigger than me. So I can't compete Makers and Coke. Super, super good dude. We go to, there's a bunch of good steakhouses, like Craft Steak and Strip Steak.

2:33:55 Yeah, that place is amazing. No, it's the day before New Year's Eve to not compete with New Year's Eve. Ronda Rousey's been training like a fucking demon, man. Like tomorrow night I'm going to work out with Mark De La Grate. Because I come in to read the weigh-ins on the one day, which this way, Yeah, on Monday we did a breakdown show. position like if you get he gets you in this position he finishes guys like so it's fun to do

2:36:13 When the UFC started in 1993 in comparison to 2016, just stark, crazy differences. And when he got him down, he's pretty good defensively with his guard. I think. Is he on the longest run? The most wins as a champion? I think he might be right up there than the other guys. He can move differently because And what's the biggest guy that Mighty Mouse will fight?

2:38:15 So that's, you know, like a guy like Anderson, perfect example. Yeah. motherfucking Silva. It takes a super strong mind just to be able to fight at your best. You've got to manage your resources. up on guys. It's fascinating to watch him, man, because he would dissect guys. You'd see him He's like just timing him, just trying to figure out, I didn't give a fuck, dude. Go to Anderson Silva highlight reel. See if you can find that.

2:41:15 shit out. This is him when he was in his prime. But it's just the same fight a couple times in a row. He just had, especially in particular, MMA striking skills. This was a guy he fought named Lee Murray. Just stood right in front of him, leg kicked the shit out of him, Yeah. Like, I definitely could see the argument But it's arguable that it wasn't

2:44:08 That's mostly what the fight was about. And I'm like, look, I'm not. But I have to say it if I'm seeing it. Because your job as a commentator is not just to say what's happening and talk about what's happening. It's going to hinder his mobility. So you know patterns. You're trying to hit harder in the better positions. I can't be biased. He's dropping that right hand.

2:47:10 No, I respect them all very deeply. How can you talk to him? He's my mortal enemy. would have to have a good reason you know like somebody fucked you over it You're like, oh, that guy kicked your ass. Some guys become friends with guys, then wind up fighting them. Like, Rashad Evans was like John Jones' bigger, older brother. and not liking each other anymore.

2:49:10 Yeah. he hates being called a legend. You don't want to tell me? He is. And it's like on any given night, you don't want to be called the legend because that just immediately puts you on a shelf instead of in the fight. But I was just thinking, like, you can't have that conversation with somebody who's not doing what we do. which is very beneficial.

2:51:11 and then he left Team Alpha Male and went to Denver, she's the first openly gay mma. She's a champion, rather. She's like the big camp. It must be tough for her to train with people Like, they're not going to try to hurt a woman. You kick the bag full blast. But it's so hard to maintain. those people aren't going to necessarily always interact that well with others.

2:54:24 gotten into a lot of things that we don't think of as being like violent, aggressive. might make some poor decisions with his life because he parties a lot and he's kind of crazy, something like that, I'm sure he'd be really good in that, too. than you would imagine. There's much more of that. But the problem is a guy like Conor than the entire roster combined.

2:56:46 What kind of money are we talking about? McGregor has drawn an insane 6.85 million buys in just 15 months. fight and then uh it was a real close fight in the second fight and connor won a decision So if it's going to be a guarantee, like say if that's what he said, and obviously I'm That's $60 million. What's that? for the UFC than And then you've got ticket sales, which is probably just a couple million.

2:59:42 When that sells out, what is that? Right, but that's theirs, right? And then this isn't including sponsorships. Yeah, so you guys are putting hats on after they win. They would wear t-shirts coming into the octagon based on... it cost to put that production together? McGregor doesn't just sell in the United States, It sells everywhere. I don't know if that's all

3:01:56 mcgregor the correct answer would be a fuckload yeah he's making fuck loads of money what's that Aldo, Very hard on your body. It's interesting that you say that. I mean, the difference is fucking preposterous. And now it's gone. Whoa. I shouldn't say That's your shit? Yeah. and they get down in the valley, and you can see, and they've got a camera on the woman's face,

3:05:30 Whoa. Why would you? Absolutely real. Because that seems... Rapey? Rapey. But if Oh, woman. No, I don't watch those. You don't watch those? Because that seems... Well, she, you know, a woman is pleasuring another woman. I like to see everyone had a good day. Strong words. Lesbian biker style. Yeah. It pops in place. Honey, what do we have for dinner tonight?

3:07:47 Numbers have been Podcasting is super popular Yeah, let's do it soon. I'm doing the show on Sirius Monday nights at 5 o'clock PST. Oh, that's so cool. That's a very cool thing that they did. New Year's Eve at Cobb's. That's a fun one. Fuck it. No ads before