Joe Rogan Experience #915 — Nick DiPaolo Transcript

Transcript

0:00 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Jamie's on the ball. What happened there? Some things with electronics is the same way. There's a certain level of electricity. I'm scared of homes and stuff like that I'll never forget him telling me about that guy. It's like a fail-safe, right? Well, apparently in England, It's apparently super powerful. It's the best thing I ever did.

2:56 Yeah, I am frightened of that shit. too right 250 gallons last unbelievable it ran for we had last year, we had a storm in Nepal. where there was no food and people were going to Dunkin' Donuts But over there, you know, when you get trapped in snows, you're kind of fucked. I was headed to Chicago. It's a fucking LaGuardia, which is 48 miles from my house it's it's uh 7 a.m you're sitting in seat 48 g oh yeah i

5:06 I mean I used to ride horses And the car... Is that hard? It doesn't move. Oh, yeah. No, the city doesn't work they change the lanes oh fuck yeah you can't you can't I always liked them. like California, New York in particular, New York City and California, they were all like, And what's crazy is like, No. Are you a right winger? You look perfect. You're like fucking Jerry Brown when he was was when he was saying yeah when he was saying that crazy fuck i can't believe he's really the governor nobody even notices

8:11 He is. You could buy. I mean, it was a real governor. We knew we's the governor. They had Governator t-shirts at the fucking airport. You could buy. I like that. Governor Jerry, what is this? Yeah, they're evacuating the area. He's dead, and they don't want to give up position. to meet her she's she's a ballsy lady yeah brooklyn spitfire yeah she's a little animal

9:53 You walked into some office in LA and they gave you some pamphlets and said, look, we My father, you know, breaking shit on Sunday. like 10 years ago they keep updating it i i'll never vote again it really is like 40 people E-S-T-U-L-I-N. by this guy David Lifton assassination of JFKK, by this guy who was, he was apparently, he was an accountant. I was like, they killed the president, man!

12:28 La Jolla's a little bit more conservative. You know that bit that I had? And then the joke, and she was fucking screaming and yelling at me. I'm like, you know, and then I said, look, and this is where she'd get really crazy and She was like, that's it. Guarding the fucking White House by herself. You know what I mean? I was like, she could probably beat half the men bantamweights in the UFC.

14:44 Her judo is 100% legit. Her arm bars are amongst't good outside the sport. Look, if she gets guys in the ground, she can fuck a lot of people up. Her judo is 100% all these fucking women are like, what about Ronda Rousey? I was at Gotham Comedy Club about three years ago, and a fight breaks out. Like a brats. Like she was fucking Larry Holmes in his 60s.

16:00 I'd be scared of that bride. Which is fine. lesbian champion They're not just gay. Now you're talking Tom Cruise. They make tons of sense. that's coming out Thursday. And I was at a nightclub with a tampon stuck in but we're talking about that talks like this. crazy because there's the thing like there are people who are fucking crazy who are men who like to wear

18:47 And go, I identify as a dyke tonight. Were we looking at her going, we weren't questioning her sexuality. No. Not even his teens. You should change a lot. He should let it go gray. This isn't 1975. There's a whole theory as to what's happening in his hair. right below Trump's office. Investigative report on Trump's hair. It sounds like a plot for CBS sitcom, you know

21:14 Go, let me fuck them. So it's like these little things they glue to your hair. See? Yes. Well, yeah, when you're 70, it shouldn't be long in the back. You can do whatever you want. But when you're that age and you got that much hair, you don of the way you look. You know? Like, shave your fucking head. You can do whatever you want. But he would, I mean, something tells me he's got like a big, veiny, giant skull that would

23:00 And it's just pre-coms leaking out. That was, What I wrote was filled is all they left in. And so what's in there is like barely mine. Yeah. I really believe that. We're going to have that shit in your head. They didn't like you? Yeah, that's what they told me. And she goes, this lady right up front just goes, you're a fucking asshole. a new picture of Hillary and Bill.

26:04 But this time she took it to the next level. And she literally has like an Asian She's wearing a fucking car. I've joked around about that before, that she dresses like the villain in every Kung Fu movie. Like a communist leader. I saw her in the woods the other day. Up in Westchester. We know how they made it. I didn't read it. talking about. That's where I step on the gas.

27:23 hiked opiate overdose reversal drug price by 680%. Am I saying it wrong? It's fucking heroin. Well, we had investments. It's very important. She called herself Jen Nasty Kirkwoman. Is that what you think? Like a can of smoked mussels that's left in the back of a minivan for three weeks in August. I eat them because they're a good way of maintaining a ketogenic diet, Nick DiPaolo.

29:23 You were making breakfast with five eggs and kimchi and shit. Those goddamn criminals, probably that work for the Clinton administration, they were God damn it. master, and he was basically saying I put a meat thermometer in that bitch, and I let it cook Elk and butter. You wrap it up in aluminum was he right. I was looking at the pictures. I've been told that I cut into it too soon, and that's why there's all that blood. That's why it's bleeding out.

31:18 Not to turn this into fucking Rachel Ray. Oh, do you? And the wood pellets are made, when they cut wood for a table like this, You can get flavored pellets, you mean? But you can probably start it. Nice crunch on the outside. But it'll keep cooking. Yeah, at the end. It's so different. Is it? It's like you're eating Carl Lewis' ass back from the edge

33:59 just pulling his ass apart It just has more vitamins in it, Yeah. Maybe it's not for everybody, but for me, it's the way. That's not fair. But it's a huge It just takes way too long to learn how to do it for most people. He's like, but with a bow and arrow, it's almost silent. fucking sneaky, because that's what's really are so too big. What's a mule deer, Joe?

36:26 creep up on these fuckers, because they're used to being You're not an Obama fan. I'm an Obama I'm an asshole. What do you like about him? Huh? I forgot who I'm talking to. They're great. When I ate the edible? recently and my wife can put away And she takes it before she goes to bed. Could she not sleep without it if she doesn't have it? She's like, oh, he's going to be fine.

39:10 I took a corner of it. Those are my first words I've said. So I did what you're supposed to do in that situation. cold shower. Really? I take a hot yoga, and then I take a cold shower. He got younger. It's called brain damage. Nausea, vomiting, and crampy abdominal pain. They said just take a hot shower, not a cold shower. Yeah, it hurts. yeah exactly no exactly just a shade over ice when i was doing back in the taekwondo days there's

41:53 And he would take cold showers because it was good for the spirit. You don't die that way. It just got tired trying to get out of the ice. You read that one, right? Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. You ever see someone trying to fix their gutter with a horrible? That they don't realize how risky it is. Like, you ever see someone Fell off the roof. a foot away.

43:44 recently in Hollywood and some asshole came up to me and asked me No, he wasn't black. It was so caricature because he was like a caricature of an Indian gas station owner. I know. look at this Indian table with manners. Extremely wealthy guy in India and he has this fucking palace. Yeah. And he threw out the first pitch or some shit. I got that impression.

46:01 You know? No. We worked together at the comedy store. Yeah. When you're younger, when you get into this business, you're like, how is he making it? Yeah. He's writing a letter to Santa Claus. Black lives matter. Is this show that big where you have to worry about offending sponsors? I'm trying to get you guys some money. start fucking doing some swings.

48:48 I just... See, I knew it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. They wouldn't mention it on TMZ. Just from her hand job. It's going to 100%. Had to apologize It wouldn't matter That someone is just He's dead. You've shit in your pants. I literally have not seen a thing from him since he's been the governor. But he No, I'm just saying. He seemed like a... I loved it.

52:18 Oh, God. can see it from where she sits. that you use for pastries what he looked like? That is 100%... Holy Christ. You should never let your legs rub together. Is that better? Yeah, he'd have like a horrible. He looks like Kevin James there. of M&M's, and he's pouring the little bag of M&M's into the large bag of M&M's. See how he's pouring it in there?

54:30 I do. Your body actually produces Just don't. The idea is, Dr. Because the last time I was here, I said, yeah, I want to take steroids at this age. They work. Well, also, you only have like 20 years left anyway. that's gotta be from 30 years ago. You're like, I know you will. You got to meet him at the Doc's. Duh. Was that the clear? I don't fuck with anything like that.

57:39 Your body's going to get shocked. So that's when you factor in those situations with people that have like pretty significant heart issues after taking testosterone therapy. But also, yeah, for bad stuff and also for human growth hormone, but also, yeah, It's very important. 80s and they were all juicing and And I got a lot of teammates who were...

58:54 And another one... of had to. or these football factors, USC? Think about the shit that we say You breathe in and then you breathe out. Where'd it go? When we're fucking around That I'm sure you probably At that age, you're right. They're more savage. smart guy and he wore a golf Like a trap? but four of these guys are from the Cape. he was like fucking clint eastwood in the unforgiven oh no when he would get drunk yes

1:02:12 He was actually- That's not justice. and what you want to do is light the fucking campus on fire He's going to be even larger now because of that. We were talking about the Sarah Silverman thing before the podcast. where the power is or where the gas I'm 55. Do neo-Nazis not have Google? At least weekly on Twitter. A dyslexic. that people say to her on twitter she's saying that's why she's doing it is that why she lost

1:05:13 It's very crazy I'm hoping it settles down, but I don't think it's going to. You just lost in court. why he tweets, because, you know, the Just curious. And they were talking about, I guess they were talking about Russia at the table. But don't you think that he is also instigating I mean, they're blatantly fucking left-wing. because everybody says that to me.

1:07:21 I know who... I keep telling him, but he won't admit it. Joe's like a real innocent... He wants to come on the podcast. And we were talking about the elections. You're the type of guy. And for once in my life, I sort of sat there like a mature because he was making an ass Just for that five minutes. No, I couldn't. Do you know what I mean? Totally blame them.

1:09:32 If you don't blame them, fucking gives me lip Think of it like that. I mean, that's what you always say about super rich celebrities. You always anything. I mean, that's what you always say about like super rich celebrities. Yeah. Irish kid. Go to that one. Amazing. Yeah. Did you attribute it to, do you think Scientology helped you? I agree. It's good to lose.

1:12:55 encourage him to do anything competitive when he was young. I think there's a lot of people that are freaking out that Trump won because this guy is, first of all, he's not using the Secret Service. It's not really. He's turning into a beaver. And I got to get on a plane in a couple hours. Take that pad with you. I'll give you I take a couple Excedrin PM before I write, and that's why I've slowed down as far as

1:14:38 You know, Stephen Wright's stuff is almost like too obscure to write when you're high. Oh, that's awesome. Everything out of my mouth, I never saw Harrison P. I felt like, I'm just gonna wait. And I'd see his shoulders trying not to laugh. And Steven was crying. and then animated over the real people? You will love it. Yeah. Not really. But yeah, he spent a ton of his own money.

1:17:20 He'll do Madison Square Garden and make more than you do in 10 years. I fucking ring the doorbell. Ding dong. Steve Ashimi's in the kitchen. Nurse Jackie. Oh, really? She got bent out of shape? Ferrara. Remember? Adam Ferrara was on that Whoa. And like Edie Falco would be having a chat with some other actress in the scene. And I turn it over. And they'd go, okay, get off the dance floor.

1:20:11 and Giggles in Boston you had to be clean Yeah, two different incidents. I have glass hands. You broke your hands punching people? Do they feel all right? They never bothered me. He still gives speeches about that. But... Well, do you do exercises with them? What the fuck? And then that lands on your nose. all these different things to build up the rotator cuff and stuff.

1:22:40 And he goes, boy, what's with the scars? He was the Patriots guy back then. They think benching heavy just fucks your shoulders up no matter what. that to be a comic you had to be out of shape and goofy looking and i always felt they hate us You have to punch up. No, I'm kidding. You know, Irish kids. He wrote a book on comedy. You're listening to it.

1:25:06 Some of the funniest people I ever met were savages. Yeah? I remember Kevin. came together I still do eight And they weren't. Clamming Lady, you cunt? That you liked her. Yeah, Dave Cross was in it. He was another one. You can't dress like that. Because he was a bodybuilder at one point in time he got And Louie. Well, go there and not get paid, too.

1:28:24 Like, what have you done? I don't know. Yeah. I mean, he's a great rapper, but he's a nerdy who we have nothing in common. It is true. but um yeah I I still feel I I I don't watch movies I hate what the political correctness Yes, yes, yeah. Yeah, it was a horse sterilizer, a horse tranquilizer, rather. That fentanyl shit is terrifying. It's killing

1:31:09 It kills the ego. It'll come back. The one Japanese lady with her asshole in the air? How dare you? How dare you? I've called everybody but a gay person a faggot. And I go, yeah. Is what? I don't hear it anymore. I'll find it. Get in your car. I think satellite is stupid. signals. They have transmitters in the tunnels. And I'll be like, hold on. And then people

1:33:38 We're all going to have strings on our roof The internet. No, because of him, because he's fucking funny, Come have some champagne with me. It's on my Twitter. How long was it? I think you're a talented motherfucker. Actually, 2015. You can come anytime you want. You told me you go i'll open the place for you and uh said are you gonna do no he loves me

1:36:03 in seven minutes you're right, a four-minute interview on I think he's funny. Can't you agree to something? I'm not on team left I hunt You're definitely on team right if you don't think Seth Meyers is funny. Me neither. What the hell is Chopped? No. I'm serious. Again, I'm not saying anything against gay people. my ideas. Yeah, when someone's like Seth Meyers

1:38:45 It's not a ban. You think so? No one's ever sat me down and said, hey, you gotta go this way. Who the fuck is going to tell you to do anything, Joe? No, it is probably how he feels. I don't think people sit anybody down. But literally, I was on NBC for 10 years. But the first 10 minutes, I can't fucking watch. in your act? I do. Build a wall. You know, and what was the fucking final?

1:40:57 Oh, what are you, a fucking knight? Yeah. You know, California, Jerry Brown, Nancy Pelosi, Berkeley. Because people are psychotic. You know that. Right, but my point is when you try to go down to Mexico, they don't even stop you. Yeah. That's right. And if you say anything about those, you're Islamophobic and you're a right-wing hate Yeah. I'm not.

1:43:33 Because people progress and evolve. People are flawed as a species. we are here. It's not good at all. do whatever you want. My point is that at and gave them a bunch of different languages that live in these unbelievably restrictive environments and communities And that's a Nazi. It sounds good technically, and it will eventually. for places other places that are like almost offer zero problems yeah to

1:46:49 I mean, Obama was busing people to cities and dropping them off without even telling It was his. Now you're getting all. I'm just asking. I don't know. Well, I've never heard this before. Really? Yes. How did that order go? Do you know what the order was? Oh, no. Now you're getting all... If you go online and you're talking to mayors in Pennsylvania, schools are being...

1:47:30 Yeah. going on in the world So... That's all changed. But we're still lucky. Yeah, all you hear is how racist it is and homophobic. I know you don't because you're out. I watch Netflix. Yeah, you... hear. I don't. Yes. I don't hear them. I know you don't, because you're out, you have a life. Even they admit that. Isn't it weird, though, that when you get big, giant groups of people together, they become liberal?

1:49:28 It's really fascinating to me that when you, and even in Chicago, Chicago's kind of predominantly But why is it though that when you get giant clumps of people that have to live together in huge groups, they become primarily liberal? It's bad. But why is it, though, that when you get giant clumps of people that have to live together in huge groups, they become primarily liberal?

1:49:56 Boise? Well, Minneapolis is liberal, but it's also- That's what I'm saying. You will now. All students are hilarious. That's a class in almost every college now. It just seems to me that there's just too much us versus them. What? think I am. Well, just because you eat elk You'd calm down. But what makes someone a righty? My side? Newton, Upper Falls.

1:52:02 What are you talking about, imagine? last year though. Exactly. They're not even scared of them. Have you had a lion? No, I haven't. Guys used to shoot wolves and eat them. Right. They shoot bear because they have to because there's so many bear and they buried all the I know. You couldn't shoot a moose? I got it. His wife got Lyme disease. That's what's weird.

1:54:55 They say that somewhere in New York, Yeah. But some people you don't even know. Well, yeah. They come off the deer. Yeah, we found ticks near its balls and shit. I mean, it's not that fucking... Yeah, it's definitely created by the right because it affects mostly white people. That's why. It's like there's too bunch of conspiracy theories about Lyme disease. Yeah, it's definitely completed by the right, because it affects mostly white people.

1:56:35 Do you just think that it's all a scam? You know Bill Hicks' bit, right? Your hands are fucking very tense. Okay. Oh, my God. 14 counts. That's probably all they caught him with. So he's going away. I'm sure he got diddled. No, I don't know. Absolutely. You know, when they... For a guy Is that a joke? He's constantly laughing. Yeah. I jerked off during Jaws.

1:59:33 I didn't know it was a porn theater. Well, you know what it is? CISO is when? My podcast, which is on iTunes and Riotcast, on Mondays for free. I have to do what I got to do. Nickdip.com for all this information. Joey Diaz has his special there. In stand-up. Any time. Yeah, I don't get to see him much. It was fun. All right. see you tomorrow, fuckers.