Joe Rogan Experience #940004 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 over the place, but he was making so much money The metal went up in his ass. He stayed awake That's fucking crazy when somebody kills you with a car bomb and shit. You're haunting fucking Brian Redman. I mean, I've heard a lot of stories from the comedy store. and all these people were coming to shake her down. He was a Cuban guy, he looked like Serpico.

1:59 So when that went in there after school, Nice fucking people. Jose Torres. They were basketball players. Yeah, this is Jose Torres, the referee from the 70s. What's the fight we always talk about when Duran. In a car accident. Julio Cesar Chavez, when he fought Meldrick Taylor, then eventually the guy just slowly wears you down, slowly wears you down,

4:10 That's like a spirit crusher. She was a mom. She used to drive her kids around to different basketball that lady passes a fucking weird spirit So one night we went over there. You don't fuck around. Remember when he goes in, he said, We're going to get your ass. So I knew about this, and I just turned the other way. No, the shit that people drink that's 140 proof.

6:09 but she was really a Puerto Rican woman and she'd talk to you She took the candle, she threw it down, Seven days. I don't believe this hocus pocus. Rapido Taxi was the first Cuban taxi cab come on dog this is 74 75 Quick. So was the taxi a real taxi company? And then you can go on the way home, can you get me some coke? They're like, oh, I'm sorry.

8:17 I don't fucking know. When New York sneezed, bro, Don't you think? There's a lot of that. But I think that, I always say and it goes, because you might freeze to death. Hey, I'm sorry, You know? You live in Boston, don't have to worry about dying outside you know you live in Boston that sound that you made what's it sound like Behave yourself. He knows who!

10:37 The person I was with, Joey... so I don't even know why it's trying to hump your dog's ass Nothing. But if you don't want to do that, you don't have an That's real, bitch. I was working on that video game all day today. So I had to drink a lot of tea. My dog used to do that. horny it's also that he's trying to let you know he can do that. He can impose himself on you.

13:20 That's just the way it is. Their instinct is to mount her and dominate her. just walks around. Is that what Caesar does? But that's pretty much what I was doing. You know? To her, it's like every breath. what's going on yeah kind of sure but i mean like like even like bald eagles if bald eagles have If you were a coyote, I would take you to the vet.

16:47 You have a little hair compared to the other hairless folks. I mean, they don't have bushes like we do. Why? Brian, don't make me get Bill Burr here My voice is fucking too big. I'll blow the speakers out. He talked about the argument on his own Fucking RSS feeds. You know what the thing that bugged me the most six minutes this is He knows who I am

18:53 Yeah and so Male assistant The thing that bugs me the most is, and I was pretty baked when that argument happened, Why? You brought it up. That's just a question, actually. And I was trying to mediate because I genuinely did see both sides i genuinely did but what i couldn't understand is how you guys were It was fascinating. You were like two dogs.

21:13 saying about the whole concept of an rss right which stands for really simple syndication right probably that he doesn't know why it's better than that. We allow people to download It's cute. Yeah. You're not doing like Doug Benson where you're charging money. You're just trying to get your podcast to people. You're not doing like Doug Benson where you're charging money.

23:01 I think he has certain shows. It's not that people started stealing You just got to go with enhances the stand-up insanely and and also just look at philly i mean philly you just sold out all And when I asked them, I'm like, how many of you guys listen to the podcast? So now you make money performing. with three white guys and fucking rock it. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

25:08 Yeah, but they can't do anything. Listen, they're musicians. Wow. Performers at the end started flying out there just because I want to get on stage. Prince is the real deal. Oh, he had some great jams, bro were sucking his dick and he was getting an idea. Yo, he had some great jams, bro. So his style is, you know, That's a great goddamn song. and then someone listened to it.

27:09 But it's amazing that somebody told me this two years ago, How come? That's old hat. It's communicate with as many people as you can. Yeah. And, you know, I've become an expert now at the Twitters. Because you've got to sell the fucking joke. On Facebook, I got more Christians. Every now and then, you hit them with it? That's the truth, though. Yeah, I've seen the photo.

29:46 and I'm going to tell the story and I did Spider-Man 2 not 3D train that says, me too. But the only one she dug was me because I would give it to her. They'd just go check in. I'd go, Ramey, somebody keep smoking dope in my room. You better. I told you about this. I go get Ramey. I go, Ramey! So I go, it's behind the building. Oh, no. I got all like, there is something wrong with me.

31:56 You're indulging, you know? My wife told me I got a bong in the office. I put the coffee on, I feed the cats, and I go right for that. I got to eat a little oatmeal to balance out the body. If you take it, if you take it and bake it. you're like, I ain't gonna happen. How many days I'm not addicted to it. I just can't. I'm a head, dog. No, I can't imagine it.

33:47 And 10 people got back to me that said, don't drive up from San Diego. It's called Matt's Number One OG. And some days when I buy a gram, like by 6 o'clock, half the gram was gone. because I thought there was somebody chasing me. People don't understand that sativa So it makes me super sensitive to doing things that I should be doing as far as like getting work done as far as like you know writing and

36:04 smoke a shitload of weed you have to be spending a shitload it. You smoke a shitload of weed, you have to be spending a shitload of money. It's not an escape. No, it may not be for you. Yeah. You would just start getting douchey. You'd become When I get up in the morning and I get high, it's to go on Twitter and Facebook and make adjustments here and get my day ready.

37:32 That was how I did it 30 years ago. It's just a little tighter. with the fucking ankle around the pole. But I like getting on the bike by mistake. I won't. Oh, yeah. I left roundhouse with the fucking ankle right on the pole. Especially Eddie's classes. It was, these people would be eating cannabis So they came up with this like I don't know what it is

39:10 Well, the breathing. 20 minutes. I've been fucking... And you can hear your breathing But the edible is brilliant. Like tomorrow, I've got to rush and then go to the airport. and there was an argument going on between trainers. Lettuce? Take the acid out of your muscles so they can recover or something. Well, it kind of makes sense because it's a painkiller.

41:38 that they literally couldn't how much how much more aware thank god you turned his mic off right it's still good here I know what it is to be in a closet playing G.I. You go fuck yourself. The alternative is someone who needs people around them all the time and needs attention I never enjoyed this throughout my life. One hour a day. We were smoking the Matzo G.

44:01 I've been there for a year now. You get off on the ice cream man. that his clientele He's found the that expression. I did a show in the city Chan's Dragon Inn, The noodles. It is, right? I go to a place that Lobster Cantonese. Some people got to eat pasta at Rao's. I know this. every day, barely affording it. Saturday at Helium Comedy Club. There's great food.

47:02 Non-stop jobs. Sal's Comedy Hall outside doesn't even It's going to be much better and bigger. It was garbage. I got boxes of shit at the house. I don't watch myself. Really? When I listen to my stuff, I go, hmm, how would I feel about this? Is this too that? The energy that brings you to be creative, the energy that brings you to smash it on It's almost like you know that that's the poison.

50:21 me about this new bit is there anything you could add to this? I wrote this joke. I want to try it. It's a goddamn joke. Do it on a stage. I like get pissed off to a degree before I go on stage. I got to do it. I need something. sometimes just being mad makes me say something. Bro, you got to say that shit. Oh, when you did that. No you didn't Yeah

52:24 Holy shit. You know, we missed the comedy store. because you see Bill Burr and you want to try and whatever, some more people to go down there and support. I've been out of town I still never met that dude. I don't even know where he is. Is he in And one of the things, he accentuates something, and as he accentuates it, he slides across the room like he's kicking someone in the nuts.

54:07 You have no idea the numbers he does. Cat Williams sells that fucker out, man. Going for the funny. oh, oh, dude. See, the truth is a motherfucker. He attacked. When was the last time you I like guys that are out there just fucking going for it. write a blog and get deep. You know, you could It's so funny, man. like when I'm at the gym or whatever, whatever. But I don't have a specific list just for for

57:14 feeling anymore. It just loses its impact. Down in the summer. I love music. I love music i love music uh Don't, don't, don't. They're singing it, man. How long have we been doing this? Yeah, which is even better because they can't go there without you being there. Two hours. you will get 15% off the Fleshlights. motherfuckers. And Brian Redband will also

59:29 next week oh Burt Kreischer