Joe Rogan Experience #941 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 We're just we're about as lucky as human beings ever get to be think that you it might be something you want to do like because i was grabbing microphones when i Okay, and when he described his ski run that he did to make the team His knees were insane. He's in his, man, I want to say he probably is 60. I think he was originally from upstate, New York

3:05 He's a student at the time. His name was Jung Sik. He was just unbelievably determined and super smart. the national championship it is I need to accomplish and put my energy on that and let go of the things that, We're seven minutes into another three-hour podcast. Some of us have this unlimited energy and focus. competing it was never an issue of i gotta be disciplined and show up to train it was the

6:06 They're supposed to make fucking motorcycles or something. that we've known each other. they look at me like there hasn't been industry cause I just Right. and dismounting strong. Taking a little hand grenade You know, I think it's super important in this way. What's important is just originality. If Louis shows up, you don't't watch him I'll watch a little bit

9:14 I'll watch them, number one, so I don't do any of the same premises. And then when I'm in his neck of the woods, then I'll call him up and I'll have him feature for me in a club. Yeah, he played guitar. George and Warren. Great. I went to visit you up there once. Yeah, it was Mulberry between Prince and Spring. It was the Gambino's, right, Gotti? Whoa.

12:00 So we move in and they've got the fucking couches with the plastic on them and the little end tables. Right. I love it. They left behind. And then we paid $700 a month in rent, me and George, together. St. Patrick's on Mulberry Street schnauzer dogs and she'd walk up and down Mulberry Street, i don't know what the odds are, but We'd go visit her for six months.

15:36 I don't know the full extent of the story. Oh, my God. I mean, she always made her own pasta. Spamone D'Angelo. She had an aneurysm they gave her 72 hours to live and she lived for 12 years Make noises and stuff. and so my grandfather said that i could stay with them for a while in newark in newark on north York and I didn't have an apartment for three months, I stayed with them. And she would just

18:32 Yeah. And he would, people like your grandmother decades i do and he would people that in New Jersey and we were hanging out with my grandfather It was like as Italian as it gets. It's like the opposite of a sound machine that You gotta get out of here. The big thing around the family was always like there was pride that he worked in a machine shop that made a part for the nuclear bomb.

20:39 He kills Japs. Two, yeah. Truman is buried, We played Oppenheimer death, destroyer of worlds. So where did that come from? I don't know what he did before that, but he was one of the main I don't remember who said that. There's just no, no matter And I have to remind myself, that's just the fucking machine that this dude was given. And you're just sitting there going like, I have to look at a list to remember my act

23:38 up, I don't read many people's what was it about I gotta remember it's just his sense of humor man he his his, he'll take premises that I would have abandoned long ago and turn them into genius bits. And the daughter yells out, Daddy, it's a monkey. But writing jokes, I've been in a little bit of a slump lately. joke writing breaking it down it's like what you. Do you take the low-hanging fruit?

26:19 So I write six o'clock. I didn't take that. And he, That's gonna get an immediate laugh and jump topics It's one of Richard Jenney's last specials before he unfortunately killed himself. Sometimes on my car, it'll just start playing random songs. glided around the stage. Yeah. And now you're like, what is that? It'd be the same fucking way the next night.

30:12 we were together that night oh my god i saw him crushed there a couple times but i saw meanie pain. Like my sides were hurt. because he went up in this character My jokes don't go over. Yeah. Well, when I saw him, there was no bombing at all. Absolutely. like he was like so silly because- Four years? The Boston guys, they didn't go national, but they all came up together,

32:46 But I did have friends that would complain. Stephen Wright didn't fuck up. fucking crazy. Because Joey Diaz He had no fucks to give. He had a lot of chapters Changed his life. Fascinating different chapters of people's I mean, he and Niall, and that when it failed, it really crushed him for a long time. He said he doesn't do anything but stand-up anymore.

35:47 doing this forever. and it fucking sells out. But how smart is that? I think, I gotta do other shit. the best way of saying no it's very hard to write a room to run a room and not make people feel That's awesome. Leave them alone. Lock up when you're done. I know. What do you mean? You're seeing silence where normally you would be laughing in theory if it was funny.

39:11 On news radio? Like one of them was in space. I don't remember what season. Because you think of water that you climb into. He was just a madman. That would be a fascinating experiment if you did something super offensive. That never happens. Like if you go on stage and you have a joke about rape, God damn, Don't let the audience know. you go like were you freaking out that people were laughing like i don't know i just started

42:15 Because they're all jammed in together like that. You'd probably be a good comedian because it's easier on stage in a way. Not you might cry, you might whatever. and started telling a bunch of rush hour commuters And he just shits on his rant. That's the worst. near my house growing up drinking water in New York City. Oh, nice. the perimeter of the lake with spotlights and radio speakers.

44:44 hitting on chicks. And so I'm out there one night. And then during the day we We'd go out there. We're in seventh and eighth grade, drinking a couple beers, hitting on chicks. before global warming. That shit froze Celine was her name. were laughing i was like what the fuck was that chris was like trying to break into our little and thankfully somebody broke it up

46:48 dude, it's a girl! After you beat her ass? She was in the next town, so I didn't really. Why did she spray you in the face? There's always one asshole who had nair and then you'd have to go home early because he My first domestic abuse charge. mad at me for something i don't remember what happened but she started throwing punches at me hit that girl back because it turned out

49:24 senior and he was like one of the of a cigarette really yeah Made me realize like real early on, We're doing endless drills. Then I just wound up doing no homework ever. I did, but I wound up stopping doing it I was still trying to make 140 pounds Yeah. and still going out there like fucking savages. I got smacked by a gay kid in eighth grade. Oh, shit, you got pimp slapped?

52:59 I was like, holy shit. Did you have a feeling? You don't want to get beat up by a junkie when you're a teenager. Because I was the smallest kid. So I was such a wise ass. Because I was the smallest kid. Yeah. We had no phones. Yeah, I watched him fight one watch him get his ass kicked was crazy and he wanted to fight. and she she shit herself like that's when i knew something i didn't i still didn't know

56:23 She got hit by a volkswagen bug And it was a Doberman. sad shit would deal with his emotions. Yeah. Mike doesn't give a fuck. They weren't home for hours, right? on the children how these people You're raised by your peers. knows what the fuck they're gonna do we have a few friends that have graduated high school and Yeah, then there's always the community college like people go

59:59 I don't even think I finished the semester. going to graduate. And I just was wasting my time. I was barely paying attention. I wasn't doing, this total bullshit letter. out of their school yeah someone else Maybe comedy. about Lake Erie making a resurgence. This is on TV, man. this is on tv like yesterday yeah and um i had a and then I can go and look it up, and then maybe I can correct the class. He goes, but two, in interrupting the class, you showed

1:03:35 I was like, God damn, that dude's on the money. So if someone doesn't tell you what to do all your life I'm fucking shocked when my kid tells me about it. They got these long fucking classes The Italian horn. oh the toes very important the girl doesn't take care of her toes where all day you're just doing that It's almost like an eight-hour job, and then you have homework.

1:06:08 What do you do? You know, I work in an office. Like, you could just be on your own. It should be four. I'm like, Jesus, Jamie, what are we working? Imagine if you're selling insurance, you know, or Hyundai's. Because this guy looked at the numbers and he crunched them and he goes, you know what? to think they could get money when you died in Boston at BU

1:08:46 fucking 1989 no problem Right. Or you would come back into the room It was standard. The jizz goes down through the taint into her asshole, Shh. Think about it. It's like a fireplace bellows, Frish. So he's sweating and his asshole is dirty too Right. There was no mother. Full of DNA. And then one day he smartened up and just cleaned the whole Yeah, he realized.

1:12:21 Nobody knows where he is. Doesn't accept incoming calls. So he just completely disconnected. Fascinating guy. And so he would talk about how he'd go to school just white knuckling until the Ritalin Significant impact on his life being on speed all throughout his childhood years until he discovered exercise And just does that and travels all over the world.

1:14:44 then disappeared Yeah. Oh no, but he does it to a point where it's like, Like a raw open mic-er. You know, never really done, like, I think he'd gone out with Pauly, done some shows with Pauly, but I don't know. And I hung up on him. Yeah. But he has an idea like what he wants to do with his life. And he's just doing it. I think when he reemerges, he may end up in New York.

1:17:47 Yeah, he's freaking everybody out. Wow. He's been traveling, doing all the- All right. 27th through 29th. And then Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, May 11th through the 13th. Yeah, it's supposed to be great. What the fuck was that? Mr. Pips is the drink, right? And Joey's like, like hey what's your All right. And you can't put it down. No shit. I don't like the way

1:21:37 with Roy DeMeo. some fucking complete psychopath The Iceman Cometh, and there was another one that was about a serial killer. I mean, just earlier, bridge and sounds like a fucking car accident he slams in the bridge going Yeah. and it's just one fucking horrific disaster after another. He's got a firebomb in his face. last musical chair. These guys come down the hill,

1:25:15 Exactly, but I never got into watching the faces of death and shit like that You're watching something. other back and forth fucked up videos You know how hard it is to fucking hang from one arm yeah and to hang from one arm when you're frees solos, which means, look, So he'll map out a climb. It's not if he's going to die. I got a picture of me hanging off my friend's fourth floor balcony by my knees. I used to do that shit all the time.

1:27:56 up and down. They bend backwards. Freaks me the fuck out. I watch those things. He told me this story about how he was climbing once, he's insane he's climbing or 60 Minutes, about the people that do that. Yeah, he's a maniac. Damn. I don't think that's a helicopter. I think that's a plane. Yeah, there it is. A plane. Yeah. So he gets I think you would... You gotta be a special person to be able to pull off a fucking flying squirrel suit.

1:31:16 You should do it, then. all that man 18 miles he took my friend Cam up. Like, I've been on bungee cords, and it's pure fucking torture. Really? Yeah. Yeah. you're into roller coasters disney and universal they've got a couple that are good but bush I already had a bad neck, but it tweaked it in a way that I've never come back from. what the fuck is wrong with me yeah like i'm getting nauseous just thinking yeah i know my

1:34:36 You had a story. All I wanted to do was masturbate and have sex. What are you? Like the first like steady, like all the time sex that that I got I think I was either 16 or 17 i still jerk off to like i'll think about girls from high school that i went to high school with That's a felony. Is that not kiddie porn? No, because there's no pornography. It's a hundred percent of your imagination

1:37:11 If you see her, she's got a big fat ass and big juicy young titties. jerking off to the image, you're fine. or they have to be a certain distance apart from each other, He's coming. like trying to decipher whether or not something is 50 plus inches Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they check. in porn with pigtails yeah and they pretend to be just coming home from school and some guy

1:39:52 time they're, like, 15. They say girls, after they have their period, stop growing. I put a yellow tag on her. You're very ethical. Who knows? Bull. My girlfriend was 15 and she was the first girl I ever had sex with. As soon as it touched it. Are you serious? My ears rang. Had she blown a guy before? that would wear those black rebox with the velcro yeah like the like the aerobic shoes high tops

1:42:37 he sold speakers, car speakers Yeah. But she banged him This is amazing. Um, I didn't, I didn't know that it would be like that worth doing. and she was 15. your least developed, your brain is mush. And my body wanted me to have a baby. Maybe twice. Deep into the cervix and the urethra. It's possible. And then it was just like, just rockets right in there.

1:45:35 you're saying, So we're going to give someone the pill, but for girls, it's a terrible deal. They got to take these fucking wacky whether or not they would be compatible with that guy. Dude, I nose raped this girl at the gym yesterday. You tell her about the roller coaster. It's the craziest roller coaster. She was running at fucking 8.5 miles an hour, which is pretty goddamn fast because she was small.

1:48:25 if you weren't being politically correct. Steve Sweeney used to go like, oh, you're Persian? Little nose rape, take it in. Yeah. Yes he does. yeah that's my argument for the fanny pack the guy's like oh it's easy for you you're married before i was like i gotta see her what am i gonna out with her. Like this is not necessary. Like before I was like, I got to see her.

1:50:56 That should be like an ethic that men approach their entire life with. Yeah. But if you're horny, you're like, all right, let's do this. I'm sorry. And it's 4.30 in your dick. You're not even getting it up. I'm sorry. You haven't even gotten laid yet. And you know what was a horrible one for me? I'd come home and fall asleep before I even got my clothes off.

1:52:59 do shots all night. for hours and then finally they'd all be out on the golf course kick back in that shack and just Like, are you tired? Then you'd take a nap when you got home. And then all of a sudden, no more naps. That's when I really knew. You got to pick something to do different. Put on perfume. Like real jobs. And plus I didn't know how to hydrate back then.

1:55:43 it was bronze like copper. Yeah. And I Probably didn't wear any sunblock. No, it was bronze, like copper. This was a really important turning point. There's, to the left and the right, there's fiberglass, you know, Yeah. Full-on alky. from northern ireland sean he was fucking drunk and we shared a studio apartment flea ridden first And it was an outdoor beach club.

1:58:22 Speakers the size of a fucking Volkswagen. to clear off all the drunks filling up the troughs with ice bringing up cases of beer stuffing the beers into the ice i mean And then the men would throw fucking broken bottles into the urinals. I'd run down to the beach dive in the ocean and fucking cool off come back but I made bank these bartenders they knew I was taking care

2:00:42 wow and then I get on my bike That's right. And we didn't have fleas anymore after she died. It was like pushing off with her foot on the wall like i lived on the second floor and you know She was giving it back from the bottom. I remember, yeah, being around that age, I remember this girl, Linda, I won't say her last name. Because when you, there's a certain age where it goes from becoming about your orgasm to being about hers.

2:03:21 i used to have like little bites all over my fucking ankles all the time. There's a few gangster fleas that would survive. You got those? Every night I got to kill a couple of them in the house. them called that, but I was thinking the same thing. There's a ton of mosquitoes right now. there's going to be The hills are green. And they, you know, you got to think technology

2:05:57 Holy shit. with a fucking with a little and so and so then the u.s stepped in they go we can do it so we came in and some guy had realized that mosquitoes were the to do to stop the mosquitoes they had to do no no deaths from malaria and yellow fever after the Wow. Well, he goes to the Congo. And he's had one strain where he got it, he from it and then he got sick and because he got sick the

2:08:54 you can have it for as much as 30 years. Wow. And dying of it is about as painful as it gets. We're trying to do good in the world. I heard about this. It's a myth. So it's at least 20%. Because I feel like I read it from a science paper, made its way to the United States? She's like, I don't have it. He wouldn't let her There's a guy named Pito Cortez that I interviewed once, and he was talking to me about—it was for my sci-fi show that I did years back.

2:11:56 I went 100%. handle cat shit because of it. You shouldn't eats it uh or rat gets it in its body a rat becomes sexually attracted to the smell of cat urine Really? They don't know. You can catch it from the meat of a cow that eats the cat shit in its grass. Yeah. Yeah, I'm definitely—Joey Dia diaz has 150 000 fucking cats yeah he's for it says it's the number see if bright 50 million see if I remember that wrong

2:15:37 Up to 60 million people. And in this one, it of the body's mass and a 200 pound adults is two to six pounds of bacteria I mean, that's a fucking infested rat-filled ship. Well, there's some people on it. I mean, if you had 100 people Yeah, we're just bags of bacteria. where people have figured out You take them every day, right? That stuff. GT's kombucha is the shit because it's over one half of 1% alcohol and you can't get drunk.

2:18:24 That's kefir. That's a different thing. Oh. You're thinking of... And And it's made out of dairy, right? It's like rotten dairy? No, no, no. That's kefir. It's a growth. When I first came to LA, I actually, this girl that I was dating got me a piece. You just put, like, a chunk. Yeah. Because you couldn't buy it anywhere back then. But I was like, oh, she might be right.

2:19:53 probiotics it's like fermented cabbage so it's all like organisms in there it's all the shit growing Yeah, that's sugar, unfortunately. Yeah. and uh meat for the most part yeah i mean i fuck around i don't i don't have a totally strict diet off fat, as soon as you tip the scales salad nothing wrong with balsamic You're eating dessert. It's dessert Being all healthy and shit.

2:22:22 Well, fruit of today, we have to really realize when everybody's using these terms GMO, than have ever been in the past. Or maybe 12. bio they all used to be They were little tiny things. And then people went, hmm, if I just take this, And it was all knotty and fucked up looking. They're so variable. If a guy's just doing meth all day and he comes in your mouth, what do you think that tastes like?

2:24:36 You get away from me. Right if a guy eats pineapples Yeah. Motherfucker. a porn, and like they would play Yeah. Just fuck it. There's a tit on that, so You were the host of The List? I was a host. He was like, we were talking about it, and one of the gals from Baywatch was on the show as well, james was a michael didn't do nothing to them kids he was like we were talking

2:27:45 he'd just been up. hey man, but he was defending when he sat down, but I remember he showed up with slippers and a bathrobe. I'm like, this guy, Oh, that's right. He was a very nice guy. Yeah. That fucking Celebrity celebrity rehab show. Like, do you don't think that that's an impediment to recovery? It's everything that AA is not. that show to happen. Dr. Drew figured

2:30:09 It was sort of celebrities, like Angie Dickinson, where there's some guy on the show, some young Eric Roberts was on. Good morning. meditation maybe you get a fucking massage you're drinking all like green green blended drinks You're paying for it. This is the fourth time he's gotten fucked up in two years. Let's whack your brother. Yeah. That's why I got a $1 million insurance policy for my wife. Any more than that, she fucking wants me gone. That's a my I got a one million dollar insurance policy

2:32:32 You don't have to pay taxes on that anymore Inheritance tax Your kids would have to pay off half of that to the government. It's given to you as a gift when they die. And when they set up the Constitution, they said we need to have an estate tax to try to keep the money from all ending up in the hands of a few families. And so I'm all for it. I think that, you know, if you end up with more than $1.8 million,

2:33:59 is where does that, or I did think, rather, Absolutely. That's what you got to do. I mean, this guy, like, he literally lives in the same house he bought when he first moved to Omaha, Nebraska. Come on. He's fucking nuts. It's a nothing car. Yeah. Oh, right. Arranging some sort of thing where they were setting up some some back what they call backwater communication between trump and uh a major um

2:36:36 Whoa. This guy, Eric Prince, who's the founder of Blackwater, does not get much more evil than that. with Iran, including in Syria. They had so much money. Remember that dude? Crazy. Like, you ever seen the growth of Dubai over the past 30 years? But one of the major, there's a huge high rise on one of the islands. It just keeps sinking. From Russia.

2:39:33 No. He just said so much money. That's the first lady. She's like, listen, our son, he's only 10, can't kick him out of the school. is that the first lady or is that a flight attendant Dude, that ring is insane. Find out, young Jamie. I got Some blood diamonds. Is that what it is? What's her problem? Fuck Island what everybody says he'll go to Fuck Island

2:42:47 the ice, you carry the beer. Come on! the real dick are on Viagra and meth Like some sort of black out. And then when they come they just throw them an oxygen They swim to shore. All of a sudden, homegirl's got a Jaguar convertible. Jesus. in certain countries, He hired someone to do that, Right. Now, that's allegedly, by the way, just in case the president is listening.

2:45:57 began. They met up at a Starbucks The vice minister of the army Holy fuck, man. perceived enemies. He used anti-aircraft And if you're in North Korea, just got to learn how to swim. Helium and Philly. I fucking howled. I'm very excited. Yeah, that was awesome.