Joe Rogan Experience #95 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience Oh my gosh. They don't know how to do a black voice. You're like, how would I describe this to an alien? I forgot how much I missed that. And social media success. right behind the Kardashians. And that's my rule. That's like coming out of Iraq and going, For people who don't know. Literally a week, maybe a week and a half Twitter site. I don't know how to switch it up.

3:23 he's simply arguing he hasn't promoting anything. He's simply arguing. And then I think those get retweeted. I'm always aware of people's People want to see your shit. I don't want to mention his name because I don't particularly like him. Wow. I'm having a barbecue at my house. Black-centric trend topics. you know she needs a gun in the hood get her another baby you know she's already got 10 of

6:25 but you spray it all over like a hoe? And it was like, that you would think. Right now is. just so like it's i'm sure it's like why can't you just pick up your baby girl when you say to I get I graduated Lil Twist. Lil Wayne is a fascinating cultural icon to me. Massive. Here comes the black in me out. that would blow you away. So now, underestimate them it's not like they don't have the same access to information that we do

9:52 That shit would never fly today. Let's Google that. in a manner so that the maid walked in, she would go, what the fuck topic, okay? So then I started leaving the hotel room in a manner so that the maid walked in. Okay. So your early inspired shit was really good. I'm trying to get all of it. I mean like some good shit There's the first one Okay. Now, mind you, this is my early work.

12:13 Look at number two Yeah. Burn the Congress on the APM. These are hilarious. I hope your iPhone dies. No, we're talking about I've ever done. I feel like, and then I was talking to Hefron the other day on doing radio, and he was in Right. What would the maid think when she sees this? That's hilarious. I go, what do you mean I cheated? I would quit the game.

15:31 think i'm i'm a meth how am i gonna come up with seven and they're like just do it just do it and so I feel like friends Joey Joey will lean back like this. Because I want to just have him be the personality he is. stop and wonder and then right when you're wondering And she would go, shake your ham, Joey, shake your ham. That's why. Don't leave me hanging here like this.

17:31 It got to like that times five more levels. Look, it's not like I don't want to be on time for my own fucking show. Maybe even 13. I bet his balls are massive. because Brian had made a couple of other funny videos. By the way, which continued onto Bill Burr's podcast and now apparently onto Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast. My lawyer said that I could sue.

19:48 He's so intense. Because they will fucking boo you off the stage with the quickness. Yeah. a dickload of money for us right it was like uh four grand a weekend and all he had to do was 20 set and we got the tour renewed but uh of course just fucking dumped on some black guy in the front Great place for comedy, though. I've met some comics that started out here.

21:59 Really? I'm embarrassed of you. i didn't have the like i was like i want to be a comic but i didn't know how to go about getting And Demetri just got welcomed by them They were kind of Nerds or whatever they you know they felt like you know they were kind of And I would just be sitting there and Dimitri would talk to me. Like I remember – Oh, they wanted me to feel horrible.

24:46 I'm generalizing and I don't want to do that, where the people said they actually enjoyed the show, I don't give a shit, personally. He can float between worlds. Do you think they're connected? he would get it, and he'd go and he'd say, can. New comics, I love talking to new comics, Really? But you must have said a word because you said they were mocking you for saying anything.

27:08 Like, and that was how those rooms worked back then. It's not like anyone was killing. I didn't know there was a difference in alternative. Because David Cross was doing really weird shit. this chance to go on stage. But like a lot of people weren't laughing but Like I can go on the road and go, this guy would know. It's everybody's. soft easily if you're a name and, you know, you have a bunch of people that come to see you all

30:36 He's one of my favorites. and, you know, he fits in physically. if this is possibly break my way into comedy the gumption So you were working at Barnes & Noble? boxes and as you do you're like that's not a bad that's a good bye workout and you're like oh all And I just killed like 30 minutes. I'm like a tweaker running around shelving travel books, going down to the basement, pounding like I'm in fucking Oz.

33:25 and I'm on speed which is everything you do is only funny if you spent And I was like, this isn't what I do. I didn't know I was going to get fired. hour shifts. I go, okay, good for Well, the gig got switched. So asshole calls the first place, and I'm not there. He goes, yeah, I called that fucking So he switched me, you know, and moved me to this other place. So asshole calls the first place and I'm not there.

35:11 no, Yeah. A lot of people, it's way easier for them if you're a failure. there's a lot of people man that's terrifying to them they just don't want they don't want to see And I'm so happy. It's kind of great. In the straight community, it doesn't work that way. So then I worked at Barnes & Noble Tell me what to do do that so I went in to this guy, Louis Schaefer.

38:16 Not gay, not gay. And he goes, go back to Tampa and learn it there and then come back to New York. you're going to do this until he fucking folds and gives you a job. goes on i'll let you go up on stage and so i was like okay so that night two the fucking three and when they talk i would be like listen when it says in my act the dumb puerto rican interjects

40:14 And I'm like, yes, I'm a fucking. me it was like it happens don't feel guilty everyone's gonna dislike you but i was like I am the luckiest guy in the world. of the hardest places you could ever start doing stand-up oh yeah i think if you can i i always I don't remember he just kept saying fuck this witty shit I think both are like working out. harlem some kids from spanish harlem and they just like fucking light you up like it's a little more

43:14 I never did that really he dated tara silverman this guy i saw him come to new york one day he was an la comic Half of it is being comfortable wherever the fuck you are. you know, there's a, there's a danger of maybe becoming something that you're not because you And why are they doing it? like he said that already no no no no i just always thought that in my head like oh i see what

45:54 And so I told Patrice that happened. I was so drunk all right, you're done. Really? No, I'm not. They'll let you ball. Just if you want a drink, tap your cup. Yeah, because you seem a little revved up today. No, I don't. Have you ever gone skydiving? that have died, how hard this guy's sweating like a pig seriously he's really sweating man i'm really sweating

48:36 I don't know. brian what are you talking about what would be the difference you don't need to skydive to get Boom. Terrified of heights. Well, you must be. That's freaking you out? We were doing a concrete toboggan race where you get a 300-pound concrete toboggan, put five kids in it, thing you may just fucking flip it oh jesus christ it's a nightmare the two people before us the

50:53 put the femur back together, you can't get a blood clot going. Jesus Christ. What kind of hill are you dealing with here? Fuck that noise. still dictated by my anxiety like in what way like there's certain foods i won't eat because i know get any anxiety not about that stuff have you ever had an anxiety attack no never no that's weird I've had some moments, but I think those are very important.

53:09 terribly important. People take drugs to get away from that feeling. I mean, man, I go into it. I run into it. Right, but do you feel like you're making progress with all this crazy critical thinking? Bitch, you're crazy. you can fucking see Yeah, yeah. If you're retarded, 16,000. Right. Are you serious? By the way, Portland was nights everything sold out way in advance it was all podcast fans you know and that's the the thing

56:36 I've been cutting my sets down to like an hour and ten minutes and just smashing. And he made me think, because I do a lot of, I was doing a lot of long sets where I do this question and answer thing at the end. Just come out of the gates. It was awesome. And it was my pants. I took a shower. And she goes, I can still smell in the bathroom. And then was like, you fucking stink like weed. And it was my pants.

58:13 It was just from people blowing weed on me and Joey. and i'm like holy shit you know what i would have done i would pretend i didn't know you and i would It's fucking Vegas We go to leave I'm not fucking bringing it So we go through security and I start laughing hysterically And I go, Where's your car? Braves Stadium and I said to the lady, I'm getting mad at all this

1:00:12 convenient. Especially if you're People were giving me shit on the message board in the 90s for wearing a fanny pack. because you're like, this motherfucker doesn't care. He's wearing a fanny pack. They know when they can count. Here's Brian's of Homeland Security and they was just some crazy asshole that ran some website some right-wing website but this is like they're

1:02:26 Yeah, people should have guns, almost 100%. Well, they're thinking about people who rise the fuck up It is maddening. Because all these fucking guys who are teaching economics at Harvard and at Columbia, they all wind up working for the presidents. Fucking incredible movie, man. brazen Wow. This guy who's running the documentary too, he's asking some of the questions,

1:05:36 trillion dollar heist and these bankers have literally ripped off everyone. It's one of the There's nothing to grab. span of listening And for myself, and said I'm going to read it The Book of Five Rings think that as i was a kid that if i just really threw myself into martial arts, I could It's not even something that I would think about. You're better at

1:08:22 and the way the parents looked at him playing For me, it's probably just And then 21, I had a couple fights. And then I, so then it made me not respect Taekwondo as much as an individual martial Like here, you know, what am I going to do? Keep going, Keep going. Did you run laundry? By myself. Joey Diaz at the time. I know. I wish I did. But when I was 20, I started teaching at this place in Revere.

1:11:37 And he taught me how to box. that way? Cause that's the only place I can get fights. Cause you couldn't even get boxing or It was hours later. They just go rubber. Boing, oing, oing. They legs stopped working. It never happened to me before in a fight. Is that the ones where they go like this? They just go rubber. I went down again. You know, when you're, I had shitty nutrition and I was delivering newspapers.

1:13:22 And I'm like, you know, this was a good wake-up call for me. some distance. Your ego's fucked. I talked about almost getting into a fight with a guy Like I started thinking like Just from our conversation you started first wake-up call of like, yeah, why would I do that? Like I started thinking like – No, but – Every part of my personality. I would like to get you in the tank, man.

1:15:19 Okay, tell me what you know. I know that when Birth to Conqueror gets canceled, whenever it does get canceled, I will talk about it incessantly to people. But if you just say you won't and just decide, you know what? I do that too. causing all these people to lose their houses and I'm just because you never know who the fuck you're the wrong guy, Part of it is my childhood. Part of it

1:17:07 I'm short and wide. if you look at, like, super athletic, he would get into that fucking ring, That guy, guaranteed, he's got a giant biological buildup of stress that he needs to blow out. I think so much clearer after I work out. I make me work out so I can be sane. It's the same way I feel about my dogs. The animal inside you, you need to, that motherfucker needs to rage.

1:19:01 I'm not in a rush. Do you have a tap-out sticker on your back? Yeah, I guess. So I set a trap And they laughed So they can fucking Of course, because you're so honest. Yeah. And then I'm like Told you And Brian's been Okay. I just remember hearing something about he fuck Fiona Apple? No comment. Okay. Anyway, he just, you know, I used to tell him, man, you got to get better at reading people.

1:22:10 I say, hi, how you doing? You're standing in her hand and you're like keeping your body. No, yes, yes. I go, dude, this bitch is fucking crazy. crazy. She's a nice. No, no, no. She's a good girl. I go, that bitch is crazy, man. You need to run. Time goes on. And eventually, he finds out that she's a meth head, like massive, you know, I don't know how he missed this, but like she was completely

1:23:36 Yeah, and he goes, how's it going? You can't always think you're good at that. Deceptive crazy is strange because sometimes deceptive crazy, like there's like a sociopathic element of it where they're not concerned about how they come off so that they'll like they'll like really like play to your strengths and all of a sudden you're We tease these bitches.

1:25:16 What? like um listen don't uh you know if you don't leave and I won't and just show up at class I'll talk to you after the class. I get done the end of the class. She's like, listen, don't, you know, if you don't leave and I won't just show up at class, I'll give you a C. nine late 90s mid 90s the mob ran everything that had to do with russia so when going over to russia

1:26:42 it gets worse so so they're like, listen, no Russian at the time. No Russian because I'd never all i say to igor in russian is i am the machine what is that how do you say that and so but i just say it again. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. That's the only communication we had is I said, Because we had to pay them, too. Don't worry about it.

1:28:56 It's Alex, Igor, or Sasha. We've taken care of you. eagles john the conductor i shit you not the conductor before the train takes off comes into And Igor and Igor are like, let's go get more vodka. That's cheese. And I go, what? Take all the fucking cash out of the bar cart. And so we get done and we go back to our room. no one talks to the machine like that.

1:31:28 He's like, we're going to rob everyone when it gets dark. Little Igor would crawl in, pull the bags out. fucking angry drunk like piss angry drunk we pull into moscow and my teacher val uh comes to the Sure enough man the cops are sitting They're fucking giving statements to the cops. And I'm like, motherfucker. That's that moment, that walk where your asshole gets cold

1:33:44 And I was like, yeah. What? Is there no one funny? And then you come along and you're hilarious And then I partied with the cops in Moscow Because they could not get in trouble. I was there for three months. And they were like, yeah, we got to, they're going to have a big boat for our whole class. And he goes, we got no boat. and he's like hey and he's like hey and then we just get to the dock and there's a boat there and we just get on it and take off

1:36:20 gotta be careful man you're selling yourself as this incredible, fun party guy, and everyone's going to want to do shots with you. Sasha wanted to be a filmmaker really bad. You had a pretty interesting life before you ever became a comedian. It's like the Tracy Morgan story. You should totally tell that on stage. Just farm it out to other, like, you know, if there's some Mexican comics in town, sort of like surrogate jokes, you can have them carry your joke for you into, you know, term.

1:37:52 some whatever, you know, enlightened, however you want to say, that they wouldn't be funny anymore. I feel that way. They asked me to get on this I got a prescription for it, but I never... any, any sort of antidepressant. I know people that's changed their fucking life. I know people Do you want advice? I have DVDs that are all body weight exercises.

1:39:54 Steve Maxwell told me how to do chin-ups on a door. They just said that's what you should be on. When I get on a plane I don't fucking And I would fucking have weird, I was nervous for whatever stupid reason. and i'm like well it seems like that you're overthinking everything so that it seems like Last year, it was really bad. And I was like what if there's like a stick

1:42:48 Depends on how big the stick is. Yeah, man, Don't be stupid about it. But if I do comedy, all of a sudden all the chaos gets real fucking mellow. I was like, I guess that is a good idea. Well, listen, you're aware of that, so you'll be a better listener. But yeah but I think once I do stand up I can't fucking listen to tapes I go, man, I should have fucking, I could do that

1:45:09 I'm a professional comedian. I love that place because it's like 80 people. I write, but I think going through my shit's exhausting. he comes up with a new hour every year. So I, you know, I just tried to attack it and write as much because i just talk about it on the podcast you know what i mean there's the outlet is better so No, I mean. Conspiracy theory.

1:47:48 all that stuff. I'm straight up storytelling. it's literally, yeah just to overcome the weight of carrying that story around but it's uh but it's all storytelling it's and it's you know So everything you talk about on stage is pretty much stories? his show and then everyone would come I do the Fightin' a Bear story very i don't like listening i feel like a phony a lot a lot I feel

1:50:52 Like the Russian mom story Dude, you've got to tell that one. whoever... and then they saw me working out and they were like well it's got to be him pissing on the doors I was like son of a bitch Dude, that's a classic bit. Have you guys resolved that? Tracy, one day, that fucking hen is coming back to roost. Tracy Morgan's one of the most hilarious individuals around, but I just don't know him.

1:53:40 That's fucking hilarious. And I guarantee you, I guarantee you, Tracy Morgan I ain't going to lie to you, dog. You do Brian Callen and it's so subtle, I can't really do Ari. I can't really do Ari. Infowars.com. Do you remember Boogie Nights? Do you remember when everyone saw Dirk Diggler's cock for the first time? That's pretty good, dude. Because I would see guys

1:55:56 Like some sort of a charge DC Benny used to pull out a fucking this is my impression of a of a of a italian eye doctor He's very similar style to Dave and really fucking funny. You know, man. This is like 1992, 91, and we're both pretty much scrubs. I don't know what year it was And they're calling every five seconds You have to put your mind. get control of the room, then

1:59:23 documentary about all these people in Malibu who lost their houses to fires. And I'll go, and I'm fucking depressed. Smooth finally showed up. Tony Woods, Brian, I'm imagining you've never seen him do stand-up. I know what you're thinking. I worked at the Boston Comedy Club and I lasted like two seconds. I was telling her on stage. and I was like, And so she was like, motherfucker.

2:01:20 And then we both started laughing. And then I get off and Tony Woods goes, all right, number one, don't ever tell that story ever again. I want to hear that story all day. to know that you can't fuck? with Donnell Rollins like fuck a girl at the same time? weren't hanging out with wild people man i guarantee you two to trend topic who uh running Really? I've got like 8

2:03:22 When you're a single man, you can do whatever you want. I know guys that have damaged their careers because they don't write. I think that's a semi-valid thought. Let's get out of here. That's funny. You wanted to do extra stand-up and they wanted to a bar. Let's fucking fucking dance. Tell everybody we're at a party. I was like, I'm married. I want to do time. That's funny.

2:04:43 You've got to be careful. Oh yeah What does he eat? And he was like, That's creepy. That's so fucking stupid. It's been going on for a while Smoking one at the airport Who do you want to speak at your funeral? Are you serious? I go, what the fuck is going on? were working in Brea. And then I went outside and Joey's Makes me nuts. She did last time you saw her?

2:07:13 we had Mack Lindsey. and everything, but fucking cigarettes, I can't fucking do it. Those cigarettes, there's something in them. It makes me sick. I haven't smoked in well over 20 years. Like you feel it hit you. It relaxes you. It does relax you. It relax it relaxes you it does relax tobacco for a long time no is addicted to cigars. Holy shit, that

2:09:26 Really? Dude, you want to come with me, man We have our names on the plaque together. We share a box. Now he's become this weird sort of a caricature with his sunglasses and the CSI Miami. and you're going to film it most of the day, most to meet me for something like that. I'm like, what is it? The more time goes on, man, the more I am just enjoying doing comedy, doing the podcast,

2:11:18 little masterpiece. Like I've got it set up. So I'm like, when I'm in town, I'm enjoying everything He gets huge rounds of applause. You know, the boom, boom, the sound comes on, the lights dim, first fight starts. Never. But luckily, I make good money from the UFC, and I make good money from stand-up. Can you tell me how much you were making on stand-up

2:13:20 my CD and that definitely helped. That was my rate. You have to have enough in the bank so you don't worry, you know, if something happens, able to eat at a nice place and never go, well, how much is the steak? 28. How much is the fish? It's sort of based on some of the ideas that came up on the podcast. Who's obviously been a fan of yours will argue this, you will compromise your voice for a joke a lot of times. Yes, it's different.

2:16:13 as far as humor. I totally believe that in parallel states. His onions and his heart palpitation First of all Not 10 face, but a 5 body. I don't use LA 10s. What's wrong with that? You need to get your fucking blood work done. It's broken. I, Of course. Do you realize how different we are, Joe? Yeah, it's pretty good. I was so fucking tired. But Brian,

2:19:03 On top of being so tired, And she's a 10? And my wife's like, you woke up in the middle of the night and ate my pussy. so I could just go grab my trash can. The national average is six times a month. Why do I find listening to you fuck talks so distasteful? And she just puts her hand Never I'm trying to learn how rice It would be great if I could pull the name out of my ass.

2:21:35 yeah you said did not get such good ratings uh-huh yeah maybe you shouldn't be yeah but no Is that you know Well also when you're dealing 18 to 34 males But I bet Travel and Food Network, and there's a couple of those that all do women. Women love it. I'm like a Forrest Gump frat boy. But now, It wasn't you. I'm sorry. It wasn't you. I think he just fucked his body up.

2:24:05 he's his body just you know he does all the like cleanses and detoxes and even still was just like talking about his show. Don't talk about his show, bro. That is the nicest comment ever. You can do that Russian one, too. Can you change Burt at... something and it just retweets it in its entirety. of it the way it is. So, anyway, and Yeah, I changed my Twitter name

2:26:24 fans. Really? Well, we want you to get 3,000 more today. And time I did this show, I got like 3,000 fans. Really? and we'll pump it up Well, you don't have to buy one. we want to thank, 10 minutes of my act right now. about a Fleshlight And they fucking went crazy. and get fucking kicked out. They're just That makes sense because that's like the fight network.

2:28:02 Dude, the best testament to this show, and I swear this on my children, when I'm listening to the whole fucking thing. I have to do Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I love that he passes out Joey's the reason why I found out the difference between Indica's and Sativa's. No one was going anywhere. And I was like, what the OG Kush, what do you got there? but it also relaxes you.

2:29:49 I'm fucking all over the place We are going to rebuild Rogan Thank you, everybody that came to Portland. I felt bad. and that might be the only thing that there's tickets left. Yeah, a special Friday episode. And I never... All right, bitches.