Joe Rogan Experience #972 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Good. Yeah. You didn't even give a time frame. Just we'll see. I was waiting until I finished off the work I had to do. podcast man you you've done an amazing job with it i like your music selection when you bring in I was like, yeah, man. He kills hard enough where people have always said, can you not put me on after him? But yeah, that Rollins thing thing I did see you some of that

2:54 Any sort of threatened, this is a good question. It's a massive, massive part of their, their culture. to myanmar i guess wow yeah it was great though so what do you like what do you do like how do I would love to go to Europe I've been to Europe it's always fighting always fighting yeah and then i was thinking like america is one of the only Like, holy shit.

5:18 Were all sorts of chemical waste really? Oh, dude. It's toxic. Oh see if you could pull that up really me. Yeah Wow. But that guy's there. It says found to contain certain toxic levels of arsenic that were 300 times above the tolerated amount and abnormally high. Is that what's going on? A no-go zone of France. Up to his knees in water. It's so bad.

7:37 Oh, that's not There's some people that have done these super realistic photograph tattoos that are just flat out fucking freaky. Dude. God damn. getting them too because you know Yeah, exactly. You're like, whoa. With Khalifa types? Yeah, like Burr, this is cold. No, I think that was at same time ice cream and ice and lightning. Yeah ice cream and lightning. That's real. That's his tattoo

10:36 He doesn't need a job. Yeah. I'm sure there must be. Some people just don't touch me. Thanks Wow. Have you seen this fucking video? And no white people show up at school. Oh, really? Yes. specified the round which i thought was hilarious like the exact type of gun i have yeah Dude. He's the professor. not even a small aggression. Well, micro, it's like the smallest possible thing you can think of in

14:26 They're just, And that's my theory on why people send their kids away to college is because Oh, yeah, a little bit. I stand behind them and like, listen. They're basically like a grown-up baby. think i forget who comedian i used to open mics with i think she's a writer now forget who it was He's got small hands. Oh, wow. of shaming people love to do that oh you tiny little man yeah both sides love doing it yeah

18:10 I know how this game is played. successful businessman those every now and then. I want his wife to do it. The reporter? No, Claire Danes. She's not allowed. Yeah, it's only the women's points of view. nobody really watches either of those though right nobody really watches somebody watches had a lost my dog Billboard across the street from the store was always the Hallmark Channel. Yeah forever to where my favorite comments you ever made

21:09 And I'd say, there is a fucking billboard across the street. Where is he? It's really bad. screaming I'm pretty sure it was his kid a 130 pound woman it was. And the daughter's freaking out. It's such a dangerous job and to say that it's too dangerous for women It's terrifying to be around that kind of violence when you're that little. chicago yeah that's what i always say about mexico like people like uh do you ever go to mexico i'm

25:11 like you said, Yeah, Chicago's great. I mean, if it affects you or someone that you love, it's terrible. For sure. Friendly people and like yeah, I'm just different versions or plus travelers and plus really get into a place where you're like And so you just do. It was just like relax. There's no wifi, like travel as I meet? Really? And it's just, she goes where she wants.

29:10 The book is about the crazy traveler person. use the showers at the campgrounds and then they do stuff enough for money so that they have gas No, no, no. So how do you eat? You'll starve. I don't understand. Really? That's all you need. yeah it's one of the reasons i didn't go to south america is because i was like there's They wrap it up, put it on their back.

32:10 They try to go as minimal as they can. Just got to hope it doesn't pop. Yeah. I think people don't want to get involved with like banks and fucking having to like well. Your stuff yeah, you're just gonna die bro, and it's not living in long term. I mean like what are you getting out of it now? Yeah. From the time he was like five. And that was just a standard thing.

35:50 This view of the world that's very egalitarian and very open, but also very aggressive. Yeah. It was really good. But you just go out and then you can like, yeah, really see some shit. Is it? Let's see. Yeah, he was over there in Liberia talking to this dude who his name is general butt naked And he's free on the streets and they exonerated him because now he's like a Christian minister. Yeah.

38:20 Yes. I didn't know that until recently. And that's why they all speak English. Well just taking them and throwing them onto a I've double shit luck Or to be the semi-free of post-slavery America. What I'm saying, like it's still a bad hand. So he knew what it tasted like so that's how when he was buying like shish kebab from this guy. He turned him in

40:15 You know what I'm saying? Wow. Right because Australia was a place where they wanted to get rid of prisoners, huh? Yeah, man. It's like he goes and does stuff, and then he comes home and takes care of business. bunch of people doing gap years what's a gap year yeah exactly what's a gap year it's all over every Yeah. I don't know, What is it? two weeks.

42:55 Five weeks. Sick time. Now if I trust you, you're a fucking liar or i trust you now if i trust you you're just really unfortunate I don't care. Hopefully, there'll be zero. No, you can't save up sick days. I took four. I have ten left over. Give me five for next year. never take off. You have to pour your whole life into that shit. No, no, no. and go do stuff

45:15 and it shouldn't be standard and put in a night shift It's nine to five thirty or six. It's been a long time. walk out there with your dick in your hand. people are like, whoa, what's he planning? People would have to lean back with their hands forward to try to get. do that too i don't think we can show it on youtube though so we'll have to we'll have to

47:51 It's all right. I'm pinching. Hold on. Should I pee into the cup? Here's a cap there, fella. There was only one solution. We're on our way out of this place. Trying to recreate that here. I mean, you can deviate once you So if you were doing that, I could tell you all about stand-up. But when it comes to people who actually know it, I'm very novice.

50:15 That'd be a problem. Or parrot what they say. I love that guy. Did you ever hear him talk about meeting Brad Pitt? Does he? That's part of what's funny about him, too, is his accent. really? is that I was like two days in for a while you know i had i had one good this guy turner brought me out to a tour of china I don't know, man. There's no surprises.

53:35 For sure. I mean, world travel. Mean I just wonder how many people did it yeah, I know steak like well You can do it now. Yeah. Dude, that's got to be a creepy feeling. He had the show I did in Bangkok. more comfortable, maybe. Can't get out. can you imagine getting out of plus into the ground and then Yeah. I think some of it would yeah some of it would

57:36 When they say five years more Exactly. Like, what page is this whole 72 virgins? crowded areas like in manchester yeah and just blow themselves up and kill a bunch of people around them. Balls. Or just like belief? Have an extreme desire to show their love. The theoretical suicide bombers do not apply. Now they've sort of had a chance to think about it.

1:00:13 want to kill themselves that's a good sign that they need help but that they're not going to kill right before you die you're going straight you have no sins left you're going to heaven right Too callous, What if you do it and you think you're going to be in heaven and you press the button, forever with your body nothing to apply it to and you're floating through infinity and and you don't

1:02:43 Because if you can exist for a second while you're choking on a dick, Homer going to hell. And he keeps going, please more please and then he's getting all fat big he's like please more another one please yeah you ever do the simpsons ride at universal Where it's showing this huge cartoon where this whole thing plays out. I guess they've been on since I was in high school. Yeah

1:04:11 The merciless. Yeah. Of course, it's great. There's that again. I mean, we didn't care I'm just saying things. type characters. So it's like, real sharp. But like South Park has had some fucking my current like i won't miss that show is south park i mean fuck yeah documentary it's great he's hum humbling. Trey Parker, his work ethic That dude from SNL working there that week

1:06:49 John Hader? What do you think of this whole recent controversy? is worse but it's does he not hire black people is that that's a major issue if he's never hired what show was it? I'll stop watching, I guess. Huh. enforced rules strictly and sent back to prison any inmate who broke a rule like how much are they getting paid zero what What the fucking one pack of cigarettes a week? Yeah, what do they get?

1:10:21 Yeah. We don't let them vote. Yeah, do you get embarrassed when you're wearing pink? I'm a rational person. It's clean and sober, it says on all of them. in quotes around it. That silly That's why. And to joint locks and joint manipulations. Yeah. No, that's not real. Oh man, so Simone said he could uh he would go down there with Piper. I guess pipe would train with him mm-hmm

1:14:09 prove yourself, I'm here, I'll take you. Yeah. yeah you become really good at throwing people's bodies around did you see that uh did you see Man, Putin walking on the mats with his shoes. He's an actual judo black belt. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah. President Gorbachev, right? Yeah, but not that long. And he's smoking reefer all day. Narcos? July 18th, Joe. coming up with material,

1:18:24 perform in cambodia to mark that off a list you know i like doing that that's my like you know a narrative yeah a narrative less is expected but then the next day i did uh nate that I thought of then A couple like topics Yeah, I wrote like just an idea. And it's everywhere. Why wouldn't you kill one to survive? that was like dog so if it was hot out of the oven i might

1:21:34 intelligent you know they have seems to have feelings jesus hot food like human meat you gain Why is that so disturbing? It's close enough to your dog that it can fuck your dog and get it pregnant. I went to rooster fights. That seems Yeah. When we were getting chickens Into the garage every night It's way before sunup Yeah, we were in Santa Barbara and some guy had one.

1:24:10 bother me i got used to it being out there all those countries they just had them around And a fox was just waiting for him. In terms of what we accept and what they will. You know, different things. Dude, they're doing that shit in Enceste. Did you really? Yeah. In terms of like what we accept and what they will, Wow. There's certain neighborhoods,

1:25:23 guys in trouble like why would I get us in trouble? Like, well, what do we do about dogs? Jesus Christ. In the valley. Valley Verde. Isn't it? I want to do a viceland piece on that They don't look like us. Yeah. And they did it. The dogfighting thing to those people, I mean, the people that believe in it, I'm sure Yeah. in terms of animal, the world slasher cup.

1:28:14 if they put a rooster near a rooster... See that? So they're catching each other He's down. when it's over. He's called it. Is it dead? the winner, the owner of the winner gets to eat the loser. They said he gets two months off, gets to live a fun life for a while, and then he'll The places where they fight dogs, they'll have like a giant yard, and they'll have like 10 dogs plus out there on chains,

1:30:12 And I'm sure they can handle them. They're eunuchs, That's what those dogs are. They. The Unsullied. Yeah. Yeah. What he's made to do in life. attention she would kill it in front of me really she just want it dead it's like get the fuck away Just couldn't leave you alone, want to sit right next to you, put her head in your lap. That's what's so terrifying about them is that they don't care.

1:33:19 OC County Fair they train their dogs to do tricks and. And they said they've gotten to the point where, So like, I got to grab the Frisbee again. They get those working dogs. They're just like fucking ready to go, ready to go and looking at you. They're so fast, they're on you. Double that and have it more athletic, stronger, much harder bite. Nervous.

1:35:30 And you should talk. They can avoid you if they choose to. Look at the size of these things. Yeah, yeah, like just a leg with a They thrive in ridiculous cold environments. Yeah. They're like, Canadian moose are bigger. So you can't ever just like go off, because they'll see, they'll wait for you to be alone. Well, they definitely could wrong one. They got a big-ass wolf. It was way bigger So you can't ever just like go off because they'll see the way for you to be alone

1:38:09 but they have an unusual ability to plan and coordinate. it's pretty stunning to watch, man. I've watched a bunch of videos. I never, never in real life, Wow. does that work like that i don't know this is what we all think and then like a little bit later That makes sense. Yeah, I mean, imagine if, like, you got in a fist fight with a skunk in your backyard,

1:40:37 You're like this you love fucking creatures my trip. I saw Komodo dragons. Oh in the flesh. Yeah out in the wild It's weird, but this one guy we had was way into snakes and reptiles and shit. We've gone over this at least twice and I always forget which it is And it's toxic. Somewhere deep in okay And that was the flora. Twice as long as. even speculation that they had uh eaten humans or humans. Do you think they bred with us and that's why they're shorter out in Asia?

1:43:38 Oh, Jesus. Yeah. give or take a few hundred thousand. Thank you. because you could probably get through the branches, if a kimono dragon was clamped down on your calf yeah you felt all that hot poison going into your And you know beautiful eventually it's gonna catch you sick and shivering and it's just gonna start eating your asshole first these things

1:46:01 Imagine if that was you and you had to see that thing walking up the bank towards you some guy got killed you'd be like no i'm a person you're not supposed to eat me i can think If they get a boar, they finish the skulls too. They ate his stomach out. Like this the venom had started to catch up and he took him he dragged him to the watering hole he threw it in there

1:47:32 The cold, unfeeling look in their eyes. That's a thinking creature that's trying to thinking creature. That's trying to eat you It's pretty cool, man. Well, I found out when I was in Bali, and I was like, I'll probably go to somewhere else from there and this guy met from jakarta was like you know how you're He was a And he had socks on Dude went to the hospital

1:49:35 Don't worry about it. they had to reattach severed tendons and rebuild his big toe that was crushed by Professional at this, man. Oh, the image? Yeah. internet? No way. Here's the deal, dude. trees, and you piss there, and someone Just showing up for school in the morning, dropping your kid off. within 1,000 feet of them. The church part's hilarious.

1:52:17 They're not the ones with the lawns like you see in the movies. Go ahead. Liquor to store, other dispensary. to a liquor store. So, like, hey. They must have figured out a way. It makes sense. They have them in Phoenix. New Orleans is on a totally different level. I wish I could remember his name, but he was cool as shit. He goes, New Orleans. I'm just walking.

1:55:36 You're not going to do anything. It's not about drinking outdoors or not. That doesn't matter. Who cares? and it's a great crowd yeah yeah if those are the kind of people that are this week yeah and I've only listened to the first like 10 minutes or so. But Duncan was talking about how different New York is in terms of like diversity and Yeah. Of course he is.

1:58:15 I think Park Slope. yeah it's uh you know what is the some of the real estate million dollar listing that's what Really? but like you know ethnic gentrifying first you have actually both so first you have criminals or warehouses and then the people who can have like are cool artists who have no money they'll live there like in there's a park where they all uh camped out in guanas and every sunday they would cook out there and they started saying the rich

2:00:38 They get down. areas that are doing that. And then there's kids are And there's this sense of community. I know tailgating, you got to use cans. Have some beers. I'm not that. he's just marinating party in the Rockies yeah Who's on birds shitting on them? When that motherfucker gets red hot to the point where you can sear a steak, nothing's surviving on that.

2:03:14 a cast iron pan and some bitch ass fucking heats the whole thing up the same temperature But I was thinking it's probably like they could probably take that down get mad at you. It's for shit. I He's on my podcast this week. And he would just be naked with one foot in front of the other. They were hilarious pictures. And Instagram was like, body. Right. Sometimes you see butt, never dick, and he would just be naked with like one foot

2:04:31 Yeah. Stabby Baby? You don't see his asshole or anything like that. Are we that scared of nakedness? No shitting anywhere else or pissing anywhere else and YouTube was like, They're super worried about being able to put ads on things she sucked it in um chloe so if i get it gg yeah have you seen her name yeah and she just You know, they use the, whoever's

2:07:26 Yeah. Oh, shit. Mostly I'm saying I'm kind of hearing what Rollins said to about how he does it and it's like some time to process it Whatever that is. Your intros are great. No, your narrations and those things, those are some of my favorite parts of your podcast. it's a different thing yeah just talked about that but like in the beginning it was almost an hour after Anderson lost for the first time. It was just part of a podcast about this girl who cuts herself.

2:10:21 Yeah, well, that was something that was a real thing to you. Superman. I was trying to figure out a nickname. and they would just shake their head and go, And I saw The business end makes me a little mad sometimes. Yeah. Everybody will be your't need them. Yeah. I think so. you're not even thinking there's one video someone sent it to me where they show the video and they have it queued up.

2:14:03 Because part of them feels like, you gotta put your hands down Dude. He's clapping too. He needs uh he needs to seriously stop Like that version of feminists. I don't know. Beyonce after Lemonade. how dare you you know i can't even believe I'm hearing this. and more just thoughtful in general. Yeah. Well, like that girl that stood up there, the girl that stood up there and it's like your ancestors were not slaves

2:18:34 OK, but it's not it's it's it's more so, but it's not 100 percent of the time. And they're not slaves anymore, but that's why people who look like him are here. This this thing that has to balance out that I guess is I but the ones that are angry this big speech. I'll keep going. And it becomes this moral high ground sort of grandstanding peacocking sort of a thing where they just are constantly trying to let everyone know how uncool it is to do this and how wrong it is to do that like

2:21:56 yeah coercion was one uh someone under the influence of alcohol which was very questionable They don't all think the same thing. like we're saying, you don't have control. You couldn't control it. but officer it's like you know self-defense i was drunk same shit i wouldn't do it on purpose 60s? Give me a year. 73? But. I tried to remember looking this up.

2:24:53 That's like how they forced everyone in. I'm for sure going to do that. I mean, it's almost like a form. We get you some feed. That's way worse. Allergic to wool. yeah it's crazy real super strict diets because they have an allergy i've heard about it if it That's a big stupid weird tasting nut. Oh, savory. I don't know what to think about it. This is a cashew from the Himalayas.

2:28:23 back to that dirty stinky yeah stacked stacked up, rat infested. And you can put it out the day of. Okay, ladies and and gentlemen make sure you That's not how it works. Weird, man. in a weird sort of a way and he's just uh rubbing and he's a suit on and he has white gloves they're Yeah. A lot of content for you. Yeah, me too. Sort of. Swapcast. That's a cool idea.