Joe Rogan Experience #99 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience Our friend Daryl was supposed to be over the podcast. and I just want to see what it's like. And unfortunately, in the beginning it was like trying to like like be like edgy and like angry at things that didn't they think they have to get something in. because they're just trying to shove in their bits First of all, four people on a podcast is tough action anyway.

3:10 into someone else's story that's when you pretty much have to just play with the microphones and try to talk right now. I had to tell them you guys can't talk over each other And it could have been real interesting. And Allison. Maybe he's cool. Wasn't prepared. who like, and talk about things? is this weirdo It's like, so he is the fucking thing about cunts.

5:45 In front of anybody. And I was like, sure. You know? Right. So anyway, he would do this, and then he would do his Dice character, i go okay thank you yeah because you're a good act you should outbid they're doing the road i go okay thank you yes yeah because you're a good act you should outbid they're doing Yeah, he goes, I sell shirts, 1,000, 1,500 for a fucking shirt.

8:08 Yeah. That's amazing. Dice and a great time. Yeah. That was just a phone-in thing. And's it he became his act and then he started like five stations we just started talking. And he came, I mean, you can go on YouTube and look up Dan Whitney. That's Larry the Cable Guy? on Larry the Cable Guy a couple years cousin. He won't do Sal's? but everyone says that Larry or Dan or whatever is super nice.

10:50 What's the other guy that does it? Yeah, the thing that got a Hemi in it, right? He does have a special. It's weird when you see these Larry the Cable He's playing a guy who's like, oh, I'm just simple. And his armpit hair is just flowing out. Numbers like this, this is where people get into that weird socialism argument. So everything you did was virtuous.

13:07 he's got to be making more than a quarter million dollars they see something like that, and they go, that's not fair. opportunities and provide opportunities for other people yeah well you have a lot of trickle down He didn't think you should get that. these really extraordinary amounts of money that that can definitely and probably almost always and have a clear conscience is to make him win the lottery when he was 21 yeah yeah yeah sorry

15:55 when I was a kid. Yeah. with money like he's just like everybody can have money i got so much money like this but at least You're running and bouncing around on shit, falling down. Oh my God. one of the guys are getting concussions well, it's just some weird disease that this poor guy got. He's a baseball player and they loved him, so they named it after him. No,

18:21 where your your whole body like shakes and you don't have control of things Yeah, it could, but they don't know. But it could have been from that, and it could have also been from soccer. It seems like nothing because it's just a ball, but apparently over time, every ball had a rock in the center of it tied around with a rope you know it's incredible

19:51 yeah why don't we go back to I mean, it's a brutal fucking game. I've heard the argument, too, that they should be playing without helmets, it's very possible to break your hand yeah when you're punching a guy with bare knuckles you want You can't just block punches like that. i'm going in and showing some hands you don't get a chance to show hands. Guys who've never grappled literally have no idea how helpless they are.

22:27 Boom. What happens there? they're just gonna sprawl i'm just gonna develop a good sprawl and i'm never gonna really learn Yeah. And it's all about human, The poor kid's all fucked up. What the fuck are you doing? Would it be different, man, if we didn't have MMA, if we didn't have football? without going to war there was nothing but barbarians much war going on man it was constant war yeah and you know now for the most part things are

26:41 You know what I mean? 2%? I mean, most of those guys... And not special, his show, No Reservation. the Civil War and the south And so these people were like settling scores, you know, like for years and years afterwards. Yeah, no shit. They're looking at each other across this divide, Oh, it's the best, man. They did it. Why are you breaking my balls?

29:07 excuse me, one in five, you know, there are all these statistics about how many people get AIDS in Africa, Because otherwise you're confusing people as to why this one area where just coincidentally has an incredibly low nutrition rate. Yeah, it's malaria. We almost lost him. I don't think so. You have to get a few. Oh, my God. Yeah, and so he had to take malaria medication. Well, you're not supposed to Egypt. And she was there. He'd have to fly all over the world to meet his kids. Oh, my God.

31:20 Like, super sweet. I was thinking if Dave wanted to hurt somebody, Oh, I knew, yeah. Just shoved it into his drink. Yeah. I mean, if you get vaccinated for smallpox, I mean, isn't that how it works? That's the only way that you're, it's tricking your into developing an immunity yeah i think so yeah that's why like when they would But also what it does is it weakens your immune system a bit

33:49 You're in a battle to stay alive right now because you're losing your health. and you only get one of those strands, each strand, one time? And that's why there's no, like... It's fascinating, right? yeah i used to yeah that's the worst thing you could ever do man let's take the full thing not becomes like supercharged oh and then if you try to hit it with the z-pack it's like bitch i don't

36:31 I couldn't do shit. Yeah, yeah. and I just let my body naturally beat it like over 10 days. But this year I just went through the whole process, If I have a sinus clogged and I'm like, I don't hate that shit. Never. And they had to do a mystery – or they had to pull all the packages. or something fucked up i can't i've been trying to find it online. I don't know what it blocks, but they were saying

39:40 Pepsodasie Complete, and it talks about what are you doing over there? where they actually hire people Oh, That should be illegal. after I watched that Inside Job movie, I've been crazy for the last month. It's crazy. will they if you funnel it through it's legal it's totally legal if you set this up then you That's amazing. The CEO of General Electric, this guy named Jeffrey Immelt, I-M-M-E-L-T, he advises the president on business.

42:54 These people that are involved in regulating all these trust funds they go to be lobbyists I mean, on a very basic level. and manipulative and illegal. If you knew how corrupt right now on what a lobbyist is, it would sound a little clunky. Do you realize that's $3 billion that essentially they should have paid in taxes? I know what you're saying. The system is so fucking corrupt.

45:52 that we operate under, It used to be your dollar fixing the political system. law where it's voted by just 10 normal guys going yeah that's fucked up you know what i mean yeah but if you could fit what do you do to fix it i mean look obviously there has to be some sort of which is like a fairy tale clean house yeah and they'd shoot that guy right in his fat stupid head

48:17 And I thought it was kind of awesome. He's played more golf in one term in his three years than Bush had in eight years. all these democrats they would be screaming But because of the fact that he's a black guy and because he's a Democrat, for some Whatever he said that day, like, oh, the president's just full of it again. like Megadero's, Rush Megadero's.

50:13 That whole world is so depressing to me. Like, Bill Maher likes her. just to try to get attention. What kind of crazy shit are you talking about? Take some time to write something meaningful. It was about two years ago? We got there two days early, right? Let's get fucked up. I mean literally every human being We had a great time. And not to mention, we would go to, like, first of all, you have the jet lag, the craziness

52:57 And then we did the same thing after the show. Maybe. that I thought I had died. He's like, no, you're not dead. Like, it's not so crazy that you're like, whoa, what do you mean? Right. But no, I think, okay, the next joke was that, unlike the other yanks they were going to see, Just like that, right? right away whatever back to the set everything goes fine great crowds i get off stage and we have like a like a festival

56:14 And she's like, well, you know, like, you could really divide the room. Older than me. And I was like, when you're not in comedy or something and you say something like that, then you kind of have to explain yourself. Yeah, it's a joke. And then if you have a joke, that's the punchline. no they're just kind of like hey and then they see the other people like hey what's up like to

58:40 They might not be fans of yours, but they always have your back. the joke tonight okay i'm gonna do a different opening and i'll just do a different different on stage, especially regarding race. But he has a nasty edge rarely seen in Australia. statement you know i mean just because it's a joke doesn't mean it's still not offensive it is a joke they're lazy but that's the perception yeah right but it's that's also a very racist perception

1:02:34 And they're like, these poor people, they don't know what the fuck they're doing. ways of life. racist like i'm just like that's the part that i take issue i'm not taking issue with any other I might not have any problem with Mexicans, or I think they're lazy, They don't think it's something that you should be talking about and picking on those people.

1:04:10 think they're funny i mean i love uh i love guys that say shit that i know they don't even believe They're sort of classifying this as i'm actually being making the joke on the mexican person that's not fair to them but the equivalent that it's a widely held belief it's just that it's acknowledged that there's a lot of people Well, they drink a lot, and they're super lazy.

1:06:37 So I don't see it as, I guess in my mind, I'm not seeing it as, hey, I'm calling them lazy and drunk. right it's kind of what what i'm being right is what i feel like and then well the other the if you left now, what would you be? Tom Segura opened the show by declaring how great it was to be in Melbourne because there had completely forgot it forgotten about the opening mind opening line um because they

1:09:20 correctness. And he also goes on to talk about wanted the other people like on the staff to ask, I think so, too. They're not providing fictional entertainment. It's what makes me laugh. and there's definitely a hateful line I feel like and and a line. I mean, it's everyone's own line. It's subjective. Well, the thing that I've found the most is that when I go out and i do like a full show full hour show i've never

1:11:54 The 20-minute set, those two jokes that I told you, player. Do you think if you would have review or anything. It's that I think I would have been asked to leave. If I'm in your car, you put on the pixies, at but i wouldn't do that's one of them mean, there's a lot of people that I like that have jokes that I laugh at, but I wouldn't do. I'm not causing riots.

1:14:20 this guy made a billion dollars from scratch chances are he's a tad crafty She literally told me not to do it. I'll close with something else because she's here. I know about them being a prison country. Wow, really? But anyway, these Aboriginal people were there first. I mean, what were they thinking, man? Doesn't Australia have the most strip clubs

1:16:58 Every show was like that. They're great. Somebody launches off a dirty bomb. I got to hang out with him a couple times. then you see him on like on the plane when you're watching movies on the way it's orange marker He loves that. He's a funny guy. Does really well. Like a quarter of the population of the country sees this gala event. He was like, it's Jim Jeffries.

1:19:48 something along those lines the place went like silent like fucking deathly silent and then they He was really mad. But I just find it interesting that, like, that's clearly the third market in that tier, in that group. It's like American. I was reading something. Come on now. Maybe they don't like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. pretty bad said that the improv sketch

1:22:07 I loved him in that Sarah Marshall. 90% of the movies. doesn't bother me yeah that russell brown guy's awesome at it he's hilarious yeah stand-up sucks There's something about, I don't know, I can't break it down, My favorite British comedian is Jeremy Clarkson I think that's the guy that reviewed you. No. That's the guy. You heard what he said? car will be like a real piece of shit because you know mexicans just sit around they're super

1:24:32 Wow. how crazy we were actually trying to play a game to I'm like oh thanks but I was so freaked out wow you're a tree branch under your tire. Let me get this for you. And I'm like, oh, thanks. Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team because anyone who could run, jump, or swim is already across the border. the context of the joke or whatever and like the same joke that a black guy has hugged me for i'm

1:26:20 If you say jokes about black people, white people will get offended for them. You shouldn't have never done that. Here's the, you know, I got the joke. they're funny guys, man. You know, like they're constantly shitting on each other. In fact, like their leather jackets and jeans, you're not offensive at all i bet you're not funny yeah i bet you're not i bet i bet if this is what

1:28:36 I enjoy it, and I'm a nice person. Look at him. He's hating it. He knows what he was doing. I got into a real fucking serious, I go, well, I go, he was, he did something where they had a restraining order against him. And when it comes to the legal proceedings, that's all I was saying was that, yeah, you never know what the fuck's going on when two people break up because I've seen some nutty shit myself.

1:31:21 things offensive in jokes like on stage i i have a kind of a problem with fucking sad because they're thinking about how fat they are. That's sort of their fault too, right? or nastiness behind them. So should the show cater to you? Then they come to see you at a show and they know what they're getting the one thing right you give it evenly you give it across the board yeah yeah and and you sort of

1:34:30 Like, I have no problem with gay people. my ass off in that movie i thought it was really funny all the sex scenes yeah and you know and I have a friend who's seven foot tall. I don't think you should stop doing it because I think it's funny, as can get man and there was these fucking two guys and they both had their hands on each other's I had to roll up the window, and I'm biting my lip.

1:36:48 It's a movie about these vampires, and they're all gay. So they are supposed to be gay. midget joke do you ever feel bad telling the midget joke because you and i have talked about watch the rest of the show and they couldn't and like uh the manager was like were they just too And like the set had gone really well. Alright and he's like I know what you're thinking

1:39:21 But then he goes he says that and then he goes And I was like, that's about me. Yeah, that's true. and like and the guy was like it's kind of hacky so i was like i'm just not doing it the rest of If it was just midgets? It would be fun. Everything after her is a Right. Right. You got your comeback line. You know, and Eddie had this, you know, Eddie, like, changed his look over the years and

1:43:21 just joked on your wristband and yeah you're all you're getting all upset and going right after his weight do you know what by far by the way got the most backlash ever for me Yeah A lot was just talking about the way that like i've had cyclists i've had cyclists kick my car when i'm uh So much hate mail. They were. They let you, when you get off stage, when you do a...

1:46:02 but they have to do it one set if it's a half hour and they're doing, how many did they You can try saying it again. concept that it's not like you're doing it at like a club or something like they're like Most likely. And the tickets the club uh the comedy mix which is on barard street downtown multiple times and that is one downstairs from your room, and boom,

1:48:17 Like almost every show is sold out, if not like 90% capacity. Yuck Yucks is still there. Yeah, so they're an independent league. That's a great fucking town for everything. It's another casino. They're high as fuck. Oh my goodness. You're just back from Philly. Me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir. Nice. Did you ever watch Parking Wars? Parking Wars? On Annie. Oh, you had a joke's impossible. What a fucking great town, though. Did you ever watch Parking Wars?

1:50:38 That show is great. Just yelling shit to them all the time. I've seen, like, I've seen a guy who was getting the boot put on his car. Like people lose their minds when they're about to lose their car. be like oh i got yeah and they're like where's your current insurance and they're like i have it to support the structure of the building and then inside those beams is rooms yeah that's what they

1:52:54 air pockets or water it is that they're they're under like they're in these rooms that are like three feet tall it's a good one on spike yeah it's a good one check that out it's a good one just for the For two hours? Next I will be To the Improv Subscribe to Tom's podcast. And you do them with Mrs. Segura, and it's called Your Mom's House? I don't know.

1:55:34 Mary Carey, for those who don't know, ran for governor of California at one point in time. And about this basketball player Celebrity Rehab Into her hands She was like, oh yeah, Tuesday same bad time Peace the joe rogan experience podcast is brought to you by the fleshlight if you go to joe rogan.net