Joe Rogan Experience #1190 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 three two September 29th. So out of I fucking eat mozzarella cheese or milk, and I'm farting up. It's fucking crazy. Like here I am working hard to lose weight. Well, you get blitzkrieg. You don't just get I take vapors at a hotel So now I have to force myself to eat. Right. You're supposed to eat a smaller portion. That's all I'm allowed. packet of Oscar Mayer center cut bacon.

3:46 of Wonder Bread and butter and eat at the deli. And I was in shape. You go in there, you get those bran muffins. Those East Coast breakfasts were horrible. over that amount of time because it's So if I go to Muay Thai at 9, I only really, it's an hour class, Listen, I don't want to hear. You don't know what life is. You know, Everlast has a ticker.

6:23 Fuck you. Yeah, but if I was clean of off-wheat for 29 days, I might as well go for it for at least a year. When I started back again, I'd get nervous. getting high. especially when you go, to calm down a little bit. And music, that's the only thing that calms me down at night. to sit yourself down and make yourself work and write you know because you're like i'm done i did

9:11 Is it because you already did your stand-up, you got ramped up? I'll go home, and then I go to the coffee shop. and while I'm writing the book... So I could just turn that chapter off and go to another document and click on to post Netflix material. and fucking get excited. that 10 years, to the Mitzi Shaw technique. Yeah, she hated it. but it... to him before he died but father she's trying to take your money i don't give a fuck i want to get

12:41 Look at the smile on his face, dog. She didn't like the Hugh Hefner bit either. She's so young and so hot, and he's so old and wrecked and rich as fuck in a wheelchair. And then that shit. What was he worth at that time? 100 million? I don't know. Do you know out of the richest women in the world, Google the richest women in the world, It's almost all of it is divorce.

15:16 was her name? From Theranos? Her thing was like, let's just be able to take a prick of the blood, just a little tiny prick, Elizabeth Holmes indicted on fraud. the richest self-made woman in the world. who Crazy Eddie was. Crazy Eddie was a guy Let me hear this motherfucker. We are not undersold Christmas blowout blitz He went to Israel to hide, to flee.

17:56 could figure out how to rob You know how you, remember years ago you'd be driving in New York and there was some guy selling stereo speakers. So he got everybody to come down And he fled for a while, but they knew he was a pussy hound. And he stopped. Yeah, he made fun commercials. Wolfman peeing at the in way late. Imus was already, Imus was around when I was a kid. Yeah, it was way, I got in way late.

20:45 That's it. That was it. Stern's outrageousness and Imus was just Like there was no life to them. midgets shooting bottle rockets out of their like that that like you had never heard anything like that on the radio before. It was like it was dry. If you listen to an old Artie one, when he had just gotten off the subway, he just shot heroin. The only thing.

23:44 Belushi had the same problem. Yep. The other guy got arrested. So I had the same problem He called me fucking Balushi and there was another kid who had a beard and he called him and take the jewelry back and then a week later i go in there and stick my hand in the apron and take the jewelry back. And then a week later, I'd go back to him. And there was a kid that would come in there.

26:00 So Nick would be having a conversation. You fuck you fucking Jew. And he would run across the street. It was tremendous. he did the fucking stitches Maybe it was something in the house. Did you say it to her face? Oh, it's so sad. that was a wig even then and i knew about him growing up that he would Chop an eyebrow Scottish guys I'm one of those guys.

29:19 My eyebrows, bro, get bushy as fuck. Yeah, I was waiting to. Separate wealthiest women in the world. Most of their money comes from their male relatives or husbands. is wow I don't know how to say this woman's name No matter how you feel about the concept of few people hoarding enormous wealth, most people. Can you read the next She was a lawyer and, you know, she was a senator.

31:52 I don't think that makes sense. I'm not mad at nobody. There's a lot of factors in when you were born. is a big factor. So they get more coaching. They get more time. They're better, so they get more coaching. They would let him get into their computer room from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. If you don't do nothing, you just sit around and woe is me and cry and think the world's

34:35 There's a bunch. I know a lady who just got It's funny, man. Yeah, to his ex. Two cars. Try to reduce the amount of money. If it was a man, if the situation was reversed Like, get a job. What do you tell the judge that you want your lifestyle, right? There's little factors. There's the list. I'd like to have him back here. God damn. Stop scrolling. look at this jesus christ steve

39:08 Kevin Costner, 80 million. That woman was mean. day off. So he knew it work around this one. Oh yeah, he don't For the last 15 years, he's just hear that you're like no he didn't do you see any of the videos that he does And I still remember one particular story where he got to Boulder. They could pay for my ass. They don't give a fuck. like how much time does he have left though i? I mean, he's like 76, right? No, 72 maybe.

42:13 If you're lucky, everything goes great. He's probably getting blood transfusions every day. And didn't Keith Richards write a book do this to this man. seen megaton diaz's hands yeah they're big fucking mackenzie dern's dad the girl who wrote the made Her dad is a fucking legend. Yeah, that's okay. 40 years, 50 years. If you look at the two of them in the face, make that picture bigger, Jimmy.

45:19 But when he climbs on top of you and you smell death, you smell it coming out of his pores. Ozzy, how about somebody called me the other day and they're like, hey, man, I'm thinking of doing something New Year's Eve downtown. I fucking know in LA. In Englewood? His wife probably tells him. Is that true or are you just too wide. Tell me you saw the trailer for

47:13 That's a decent movie. You're like, look at him. Aw. Like, zooming on his back. He had to do all this shit for him to make Rocky. And then, AMC lately, Whether it's cheesy with three, when he gets beat up, and Apollo Creed takes him to the And then Black Panther. wrote that idea on a fucking... 70s When they first started shooting this He told them to hit him for real,

50:18 Dolph Lundgren's a bad motherfucker, like legitimate bad motherfucker. Well, you know who else knocked him? Antonio Tarver knocked Sylvester Stallone out when he was doing that movie where he was still boxing. Antonio Tarver's a bad motherfucker. Whoa. That is ridiculous. Yeah, he's like Gustafsson's cousin. I didn't even know he was a- Masayama. They're really hard-hitting motherfuckers. It's a very hard style. The punches, yep. Kyokushin? I think Masayama's Kyokushin, pretty sure. They're really hard-hitting motherfuckers.

52:59 and beat the fuck out of each other. in there and there wasn't a lot of footwork But a lot of those guys had an influence of Kyokushin karate. the third one was a sweep, Nobody sweeps. Oh, they still do in MMA. No, the other guy. It takes a bunch of fake, so I'm here with you. That's why I got Gaston Muay Thai involves a lot of grappling, There's a lot of clinch work,

56:08 and then when you learn jiu-jitsu and all these other, doing Taekwondo at the time, and I doing Hatha Yoga before All those fucking schools had asbestos in it. And she goes, her father was from Brooklyn. And I go, I still remember coming from Cuba Half the first grade, I fucking twitched. Another kid in my daughter's class broke her arm in a monkey bar. How do you break your arm in a monkey bar. My daughter broke her arm in a monkey bar. Yeah. Another kid in my daughter's class broke her arm in a monkey bar.

58:16 It's real common. You gotta see my daughter on that monkey bar. I take it to her. Now this has affected me in a way the Cavanaugh thing was pissing me off for a few weeks And we all remember drunk jocks. You know what happens when they get a little bit of money. Last time I saw her was 1993 getting coke in a building in Harlem. I'm walking down the stairs, and there's Mindy Head.

1:01:24 being mean to people. I was in martial arts when I was still fucking scared. This is recently? this and they made a movie out of it way back in the day with john boy from the waltons remember The first one, was the first one with Tim, the guy from the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Yeah, it's a great book. So he played a creepy guy that makes you disappear after they kill you.

1:04:03 I also need a selection of 70s classic rock. And he'll just walk out of your house, and just destroyed his body. When I read that, I think you turned Cujo, to this day, I have it. There's some things about books. something's going on with me so instead of sitting in bed and having what's called insomnia i get up We're about to rob a gas station in 1981.

1:07:06 Even when I write about that and you read them, it's different. and then The Exorcist has been on for the last two weeks on AMC, Who's Jason whatever's father. He married Jackie Gleeson's daughter. And I saw The Exorcist, and I turned it on. and you don't see what his face looks like He'll attack you psychological like nobody else. You're like, so my daughter

1:09:45 Jesus, a fish. Yeah, Mercy, God's gonna kill Satan, da-da-da-da-da-da, of the room. Like, she doesn't know who You know, and all of a sudden, what about when he comes in and he goes, father, how about sparing five cents for an all-out boy? was talking shit. A Jewish You're gonna die up there? No, no. bottom of the stairs, but it couldn't have been Bro, listen.

1:12:21 And then picked her up and smacks her and throws her across the fucking room. They took my $2 and let me through. Oh, man. when she walks down the stairs yeah backwards What about when her head spins around in front of the priest? And you got to realize that back then, there was nothing like this before this movie. these young kids these people today like what the fuck are they doing what kind of movies are they

1:14:44 This is when America was different. the whole place was on their feet. Street and she'd go go and I saw everything there Fist of Fury the Outlaw Josie Wales I want to say 81, if I'm going to guess. and he's turning into the wolf like that shit when his face is stretching out is CGI. It drives me She's tremendous. She's tremendous. She's so hot. something they both fell in love with

1:17:17 and Tom There's five of them. But anyway, the CGI, the werewolves are so corny they show you too much it looks fake with like prosthetics and teeth and fangs your brain says oh that's a real thing that's the like in that one that's in the beginning Back it up. Help me up, will you? Help me up, will you? He didn't see much. You said it best a couple minutes ago.

1:20:45 Because I watched a movie circle. The problem that happens somewhere between 85, maybe 87 and today is the disconnect of about the dilemmas they had with Scarface and they said to Jones Collins, They counted how many fucks he said and all this stuff, but that's not my point. It's supposed to be me, you, and him, and he's supposed to make the decision.

1:23:09 And there's three dudes waiting, and the train goes by, and all of a sudden it stops. He gave you imagination. You gave me a second to split the side. Is that the one where he's a ghost and he comes back and paints it? Hang him high. Clint Eastwood comes back as a ghost. Part ghost story, part Revenge West. but at the end of the film, they sort of lay it out in the beginning.

1:25:46 They spelled things out. I think Johnny Depp was just kind of kicked off, Yeah, for them it's a failure. Whenever you get two tattoos of a woman you've only been married to for six months, You know, I don't know exactly. these like fucking Mucho what? Is he the cop? Is it on shelves? The whatever, I have it at the house. He was talking in an interview about how he wants to do interesting projects.

1:29:02 Phenomenal. But you know, he's boys with Stanhope. abruptly pulled from release force widder green it too looks like yeah like a month before it's know I remember when I was in Colorado someone said he had a ranch out there I 18 houses, a boat that cost $30,000. Yeah, he's got 14 houses. You know. Did you? All over the place. he didn't want no problems with none of his houses.

1:32:03 But the guy was difficult to get a hold of because he was in England and whatnot. I left and then came back. and mowing the lawn in the summer. My buddy said he'd get it to me for 800 in Jersey. Oh, yeah, they killed this poor bastard. They arrested him the first time in 83. The night the guy took the night off, he started his own car. girl that used to go to the Aspen Club,

1:35:20 Snowmass Club has golfing, you know, condos around the thing. so they clean out give the girl the $10,000 But then I started getting coked up. Listen, I'm just letting it go. So I had a buddy who used to go, you're surrounded by Dick. Oh, okay, like a little small truck that pushes snow around. up there. I was on a fucking roll. You know, as soon as you hear snow,

1:38:26 He was an electrician in the side business. up the next morning it snowed like a foot i'd never seen anything like that like when i was That night, the roads were clean. Whenever it snowed in Jersey, Electric. And that meant I had Just another day. They go, everybody else here came on a bus, and they all got here on time. they push to do the underwater carrots, the prevention,

1:41:17 Mm-hmm. Destroy everything. and that's how they got the rust out of all those cars in Colorado. Yeah, Colorado, you're getting it from moisture. that's what everybody wants. You find a 1968 Camaro that's rust-free car. Now that is like, that's what everybody wants. if it wasn't cracked, My 65's fiberglass. Let me look at it. by banging out metal, and there's mine. Look at the fucking and if you had to do that all by banging out metal and there's

1:44:21 I mean, if you drove a regular 1965 corvette they're sloppy their suspension Big fucking fat wide tires the store all the time. tried to get in Johnny Sex? Yeah. The Chinese lady? I don't know about high school life. I remember I was going to get a tattoo. Ozzy or Coco tattoo on my fingers Because you're afraid you're going to be a loser? He's had that in 69.

1:47:29 Like on both hands, I was going to be doomed. how to quit fucking high school you know and it's so weird how many people over the years i've read this all counts towards your sentencing guidelines. for my GED. I bought the or my father's in the stock market and he's getting me a job. But there's a lot of people that did that, that there was no job for them.

1:50:30 months but nobody recognized that you had the potential to be an entertainer nobody ever says But no one, none of us do two shows on a Friday, two shows on a Saturday, You ready? I didn't say that. It was a frozen warehouse where you just got lobster tails and shit and you had to wear because the people I grew up around, my mother did not have a day job.

1:53:02 I just knew that my days were mine. I did not want a day job. The deal was you went down there, 1982, let's say. We need six people tonight. and then they give you work. but sometimes at 6 was three different companies that you could shape for. So what you did was to get into And your life changed forever. in the 70s his gym was. Like if you loaded trucks, you were allowed to use that gym.

1:56:21 I was going to work like a fucking mule, You could also do that as a longshoreman. How many days after loading a truck all night, A month before I got arrested for the crime. But about a week later, I was on the point. And I had a fucking, you know, I was doing drugs, He goes, I was the entertainment coordinator for a casino in Las Vegas. and I was listening to him.

1:59:23 I didn't think about it, Fucking stand-up comedy. That's how fucking off I was. But it's an option. you have to go through a certain amount of education. We, you know, if you had, oh, Tim's son, You eventually, there's a path there. i'm like other people are gonna think i'm an asshole that's all i was thinking was that i i try hard, you're going to get an A. It's pass, fail, A. It actually counts for your GPA.

2:02:58 was how I got into public speaking. But in college, I took a course on public speaking. it together it was around the same. I was probably thinking about doing stand-up go up to the front of the class and put my eyes adored you on a record player. And I'd sing it Josh Atomire's show? Yeah, it was fun as fuck. Worst anxiety ever. No rehearsal. I'm just... I love all this shit.

2:06:14 Be Real's in the band with them, Public Enemy. I can't. I think they told Flavor Flav that you can't. Yeah, Stallone's ex-wife had a baby. I guarantee you women have I mean, they're in there. After 48, as a woman after 48 from what I've read, 46, 47, your chances of a child having autism are very high. and there's complications. God fucking bless her.

2:09:03 That's incredible. Time. you're like, oh. Last week I fucking took a red-eye to Cleveland. I took the red-eye, and we landed at 6 in the morning, which is 3 L.A. time, which I'm never up past fucking 1230 anymore. I never dreamt of this past 48. And that was the end of that. But now that she's 55, she's like, eh, that's what I look like. You broke it down for me with your old Romero, your jeans.

2:12:28 And said, you got to be kidding me. Yes. I hate being this person. And here I am with a fucking water like an asshole. Do you know that, Joe Rogan? About two months ago. I do everything. I'm be cute. I do everything. And sometimes I put it in my pocket. He didn't know who Wolfman Jack was. He's got a weird look on his face. Look at him. That was a long time ago.

2:16:12 Give me some volume. Give me a little, speed that up a little bit. All you had to do was have a big personality, be loud and crazy, He was the morning guy. and fucking shoot T-shirts out of a cannon and all that nonsense. Oh, it's tune in. It's gone. congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. by the way, not only did I get left back I can't. He's been watching.

2:19:55 It's a different art. What do you mean by thieves? to watch an old Cincinnati Red The coach would come out and the pitcher would go, Pete Rose wasn't a home run hitter. But these motherfuckers that clobber you with singles and doubles, Yeah, I never saw that. They're thieves. Cleveland. 2.30 in the morning, they were still playing. None of that shit.

2:22:46 He was a national heavyweight champion, light heavyweight champion at the time. that is the craziest fucking sound and i walked in there and there's this guy who's just you know at I hated the fact that we were losers because little Billy dropped the ball. about a single. I felt bad if I got on base and I got a single cause I connected once. Like, I never hit a ball in my life.

2:24:51 Just for a week. It was a week camp that you You ever fuck around? I tell people, don't Americana me. So they're to the point where I could lift, I could go to kickboxing, you know, I could hold a microphone, I'm fine. What kind of surgery did you get? where you go all the way back and you do all that shit. Yeah, like they do something fucking different. Oh, you're saying, like, do this and go all the way over. They couldn't believe. Grab them and go all the way over? What do you mean? Yeah, like they do something fucking different.

2:27:00 chin-up bar, and just hang from it. I never got the President's Award either because I couldn't do a pull-up. Really? up ira wolf went to the olympics to be a trainer and these except for one guy two of these guys He's really into slow-mo training. They switched me. When I was doing Cleans and presses? Oh, cleans are tremendous. Yeah, but the kettlebell, see, the problem with the kettlebell is that if you read that

2:29:24 Yeah. So when I do a kettleball workout, I incorporate it with the bats from on it, the way the fuck down. Like, for me to do anything, on it's John Wolfe? And you could get a really good workout with 15 pounds. So that's what I was doing wrong. So I keep Steve Maxwell. Listen, if I'm on the road, most hotels now have kettlebells. Because over 50, it should just be three days a week.

2:32:38 And I think you become more consistent with it. doing the technique I hit the Novotor bed It's the red light therapy. I get the Novotor bed twice a week, especially on Sundays to take all the oxidation out. improve. And I'm not going to do that because gosh. Yeah, you have to. Because and we pack it on. I don't even know what you put I do a little warm up, and the first two sets, I see the fucking devil.

2:34:48 Four straight minutes? It's really weird how he the most important thing. I don't end up on NBC All that shit they sell. We've played those commercials 30 times. Meanwhile, Frank's a fat fuck. I did a study. I did an independent study Deadlifts and squats are the kings of exercise. that's when I really, so your body just gets stronger and there's only one way to get stronger your body's got to

2:37:34 I'll tell you right now. What are the rankings there right now? Tommy has just recently banged out another 100. I'm going today, even though I'm 2,000 points ahead, I'm going to go for six hours. You do it for another 20 minutes. He's a pain in the ass if he's not worn out. Put on the ringside timer, so it's giving me rounds, and the ringside timer gives me 30 seconds too.

2:39:37 Like that? My toenails are cut. I went whole ham yesterday. And then I did another hour just to sort of like at the end of the day, Oh, He went hiking with overweight. The one who's the real might try to do that. But I'm not I'm like, okay, here we go. I took three days off because I went to Vegas with my And so I said, okay, I'm done with that. and they're all just scratching and clawing

2:43:00 I don't see how Tom's going to... The dude ran for three and a half hours. because Burt talks so much shit. look, he can push himself, I'm out here jogging. Sandbaggers, bro. Ari held on to his stats, and he's allowed to do that. and then released them, and Bert went fucking crazy. Yes. Let me see what's going on here. he realizes he's going to come in last.

2:45:42 Yesterday was 2,300 points. That's just what it is. And you tell me what you think, okay? I put my pizza down and go out, and I go, I tell Lee that. He knew who the fuck it, dog, if I yell at you, you'll know it's fucking me. He got 149 points. He worked out for 40 minutes, and he kept his strap on for an hour. See all this? people here. All this nonsense.

2:48:38 I'm like, I'm just going to kill them. I'm just going to So it seems like the sweet spot is in 80%. And then blue is 60. There it goes. That's all it is. Once I snap this in, it'll start measuring my heart rate, And then at 11.59, I probably fucking gained weight. Yesterday, one workout, 2,214 calories. One workout I had was 4,900 calories. So I lift, but the lift doesn't give me much.

2:52:14 All kettlebells, yeah. Like, I could break this with my finger. Right. He's like, what the fuck, Tom? Yeah, today he gets 145 points. Burt just left here. It's the booze, dog. Yeah. everything i could what i do is what you told me A little sugar's not bad after a workout. But see, what's happening with these workouts is you're dealing with an extreme loss of electrolytes, an extreme loss of glucose.

2:55:50 Because I am losing insane amounts of water. These guys are actually doing it. Yeah, you need to put the salt in. I'm going to ask you something. 100% helps. I gave them my doctor's information. 41. I'm failing all those tests. Everybody listen to this. You can avoid a host of ailments is before they do anything. You don't want to elevate. The Christian.

3:00:12 It was Pittsburgh. you're enhanced and these are young guys that are doing this when nate was doing this he was like 30 They just don't work as well. No. For that process, it's in your feet. His wife passed, and they found the younger girlfriend. And I was like, leave it alone then. Willpower for a month, 30 days. He runs in the hills with me all the time.

3:03:17 Maybe that's help. I probably won't smoke. I don't care. Amazing. He's a fucking If I found a drug, if a doctor put me on medication, I was like, Doc, I'm fine. I feel better. the idea that these guys i've been working out my whole life these guys barely work out like Yeah. I felt it lifting. Because probiotics, like taking acidophilus or eating kimchi or eating anything that's going to help your microbiome,

3:06:35 I eat yogurt a lot. Yeah, you do have to watch the sugar. Kombucha is fucking amazing. I got to watch everything, Jerome. I don't agree with you on the meat intake anymore, And I save it for the next day for breakfast when your mother was visiting, and my buddy in Jersey was hysterical. People get it from wine, you know. As long as the majority of your diet is healthy.

3:09:28 One of our sponsors, what was the egg sponsor? V-I-T-A-L, right? You still got the chickens? My chickens are getting old, man. Yeah. I love it. You know what they call it? What are you talking about? Jesus Christ. Pancakes is just a bunch of bread. fucking great i'll put melted butter on those motherfuckers and that zero sugar syrup and eat You eat these fucking things and you feel fantastic.

3:12:40 You can't play a man's stand up in front of him. I'm very thankful to Netflix for giving me the half-hour. She was upset about the kick There's nobody. I don't give a fuck. The benefit of doing these specials is you grow. Like, in the original room now, I'm back to rare form. I went back and listened to it. after he said it he said he didn't watch people's specials me i like watching comedy specials

3:15:49 because that's who I am. Joey, here he goes again. You look so old and I don't I'm not going to be around. My pleasure, brother. Shout out to Netflix