Joe Rogan Experience #1358 — Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer & Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 skipped traffic in la there's no way he's not doing that again yeah dude 10 minutes lax to And he's like, it's actually, it's not that expensive. No, I mean. Yeah. Let's see at a helicopter. There's actually like three or four. I mean, seems cool. have you done it? all the rush hour traffic you can do it that way too Less than half of that is because of meat.

2:41 You go to Vietnam and they're burning their trash in their front yard. It has nothing to do with animal agriculture. You guys want some meat? I don't want 100 pounds. You do it in your grill. You know, like a nice steak, kimchi kimchi some jalapenos avocado i posted it With the black stripes And the white It's over You have a fatty liver? In the last how long?

5:12 So it's like hot yoga, but you're spinning? I took a burning shot. It is. Black people talk here. you're 258 pounds and he's like it's the most common thing I see when I go and work as a doctor for like No, I had like a couple drinks. That's true. Well, we were hoping that you guys were going to tell us that we already cheated. It's over. Friday, Saturday.

7:36 That backfired on me big fucking time. Dude, what are you doing? It was on my house in front of my children. up alcohol i don't do molly because i just got back from the doctor and he said hey it's time Then he was fine. generally on the fucking plane i'm drinking trying to get hydrated because i'm on fucking molly I don't think it was that. And he was like, she's awesome.

9:50 I've never done it before. Yeah, so he's doing it for me. Yeah. You I could offer it to. You're, why would you? Yeah, why the spike? He wouldn't take it. No way he'd take it. You I could offer it to. it was your last... to get drunk at the podcast. There's no fake anger in this. Thank you. but I would be enraged no, he's going to be mad at you. The problem was the next day.

12:03 You're out of your mind. to what, and I was like, Like all your brain juice is all fucking squeezed out. What? You're only pulling sex into it. I thought it was so fun. Did it help? you were on Molly last night. I don't know. People think, just right the I'm on Molly, yeah. And then I called you back after. he came to your house it was so beautiful

15:25 It was so great. No, kids don't do it. the whole podcast is about you drugging me it's not about me taking molly i think you've expressed Then let's not do it. No, that's a one-time only thing. Weed's only been legal since two years ago. He's got a hydro flask with his name on it. It says, I went to this, And you're dancing. So I give Isla in Georgia

18:25 store wait how good was the shower shower was pretty amazing yeah right shower was pretty i Comedy store. It was killing in the green room. So it's a bit now. That's good. Instead of taking your shirt off, people just spike your drink. I'm out. It happens when I'm done. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, man. I said would you do this to Rogan one here besides him that listens to his podcast you don't listen to his podcast i do ari gets

21:29 It didn't even do anything. So are we announcing that on the first of october we're done with this shit well listen no one has a problem here except We just start doing drinks. Dude, I work out too much. I'm too healthy. I'm getting up in the morning. that you just get like a buzz like a little buzz and then you're fine then i stop yeah dude i work

22:59 It's inevitable that your body's going to fall apart. Sure. spiking people's drink to get back at them I got mushrooms mushrooms I got acid So you can nibble on acid Hey can we just do You know what I like I love a post Yeah I like it after a while, I can see that being fun too. because my body Hey, come on. I'm not going to be one to ring the bell.

26:08 Ari wants to ring the bell. He wants to see if he can handle the cell phone. And then I'm like, oh, I can't even do that. That's right. I would get scared leaving my drink around. When they go to bars, they get scared taking a drink from a man. girls yeah yeah a lot of girls man when they go to bars they get Yeah, what'd you do? I go, what are you doing?

28:06 Okay, good question. You've got to stick it up to his face. Wake it up, man. Yeah, yeah, for sure. No. Two years ago was yoga. 30 minutes you know what i like is it sent me the sent me a notification which is like like you It's too intense to keep doing. We decided to not do that this year. Well, that's one way of doing it, but I don't think that was...

30:44 Hey, take your wrists this is going to be Put it by your eye. Like, I can see me going like, i all i said was fuck are you why would you do that like i'm on blood pressure medicine like we know a guy And I am, despite what anyone thinks, I am active and I like working out. I like being outside. I took baby aspirin today. Yeah, it's a clip. The other side of it. Give it to Tom. Yeah, You want me to show you how to do that, Ari? It's going to take you a second to figure out. Yeah, it's a clip.

32:34 Yeah, okay. I couldn't pop it open. Jesus Christ. So put your wrist through it. Is that what I'm hearing? I was thinking about going sober forever after October, actually. Oh, really? Were you're about to ring the bell I could be sober for years I was thinking about going sober forever November Throw me in the briar patch But if you take your shirt off on stage and you have a six pack, people are going to get

34:44 of my set Yeah, I'm on stage That's what I'm saying you're doing. I don't. Yeah, guys, it's not going to happen. Now's your big chance. Sitting up. there you go now push that outside over the top and clamp it down so it doubles up over here yep Bert's still upset at you. Well, that's true. He's super jacked. Does he? He got yoked. oh he's no longer funny.

37:46 I used to wear big baggy shirts Yeah that's the thing if it's in your own head you're comfortable on stage being like he's himself yeah I filmed him But you don't take it off in the OR. presentation vibe in the main room too presentation vibe you know i mean it's like it's like it is When was the first time? And I was like, so I did my whole hour. And then I started doing it.

39:49 I see that with you a lot. R, you took your shirt off on stage. It feels great. Is that what we're doing? Heroin. Everybody, first time. for this month? What are we doing? Heroin? Is that what we're doing? Read. Yeah. Hip hop dance. The dancing was okay. They're monsters So they can keep that monster alive like a class of anything that's some class that's new like better yourself tom and i were talking

42:32 for the month yeah well shit liam was livid when she found out that i got roof roofied because of sober october You see the bright side of things, even when people hate you. Yeah. So you don't just do one thing over and over again. You're going to have to do more than one a week a one other element to it is that you because there's always been like this physical element

45:10 my hills twice a week. A report card If you can only do three Yeah My address is. When it's open-ended. Throughout the month You would feel drained Yeah I didn't have What this is though yeah you don't have any weight to lose but i was i thought i was gonna get i am obese i It's probably around 10 Gained a pound or two Oh, yeah. Yeah. point thing at my gym like every time anyone like like the next month there's such a dip

49:20 And it fucking brought back like anxiety. I found mine when I moved, and it was like, don't touch it. It's also telling you how much you've recovered, which I think is very important. You go to the website. Yeah. is it like a spike well the way i fuck bro it thinks i'm working out you know i'm saying I struggle with sleep, you know? Oh, I love that guy.

51:22 In LA, too, right? Yeah. The charts, it's off the charts. Well, that is one thing that that strap will let you know I won't. I've done- oil I've done That helps That and drinking right? Yeah. What? You lost fans because they think you're racist for real. And they start typing the N-word. It's because of, I don't know. Right. it'd be funny, No one else was like, no, I guess they're sweeping.

55:14 specifics like i mean i think my fans know tom i think we share a lot of fans but i think that's you're thinking like, what can I do? Yeah, you can. Right. They ban you for life. Twice in jokes. What are you talking about? It's a great hook. This is not... And then everybody conveniently forgot that she just plowed into some lady and forced her into traffic and killed her.

57:24 You can tweet something a guys who are gay who are bears with like Do you? okay, That's like, and guys who want to jerk off on her feet. She had 269 different or 369 different Instagram accounts that she was using to harass people and threaten them and say she was going to cut them up. Florida? kidnapping I don't know what It's happened in sports too.

1:00:32 Hey guys, and was very vocal I would never have thought of doing that. So sick. After the podcast. Barry Dimefeld. And the fact that the battery goes on the watch Shows you deep sleep That sounds like a good fun challenge Not me. He doesn't have... It's a nice life. you don't even own a fucking car. afford a parking spot because i did road oh you had to have oh yeah i did i was a road warrior man all my gigs

1:03:48 When I was thinking of moving to New York Yeah, and then from then on I was like, Yeah, you're like Chelsea Handler. I bet you two would get along so fucking good. I don't deal with her very much. For anybody? then for sure. like to do that with you. Didn't we do mushrooms? the oh i leave the 14th no i'm not back in la till the 18th damn when do you come back the 10th 11th

1:05:49 Any books you want to read? Oh. Oh, by the way, I still never found a contact at Children's Hospital to give that money to. Maybe you'll feel better. I'll peruse. Yeah, just stuff that i'm one in there yeah and so i asked this lady at youtube and she goes it's hate speech i go it's But not just that. and that's what she said and she was trying to do that when she was talking to me and i wasn't

1:08:54 Like, he's one of those guys, and have these conversations and film them and you know most of the people are not prepared or I think more than ever that Instagram just has a really shitty search engine. That's all they do for their life. the more I think they have a really shitty search engine. Because he's a comic. Shadow banning is real. was like hey what's going on i don't show up in search engines and she goes let me look and she

1:11:46 Hey, Ari, you know, spikes people's drinks. Like, the people are, everyone on the left is kind of free to post whatever the fuck election and that they've decided to take steps to try to prevent this their platform from being But, you know, he's always been somebody. call then there was a report that maybe the australian pm call uh had a similar thing where he asked him to invest you know to get involved

1:14:27 gonna mean yeah it's just annoying to impeach him man things could get really ugly things could get I'm going to wait until it gets real. Yeah. But he also, I think he loves this shit, you know? That's the game. I don't think the Democrats have come up with someone that's – they need someone like, no joke, but like The Rock. He's a good guy. on them and all the the people that never had like the thing about him is he's the first asshole

1:17:48 Right. I think if a real, like if Oprah ran, I think she'd win. But you have to – he's a unicorn. And then you got that Pete Buttigiegigigigigig guy. You're out there running for president. president hundred percent and maybe you should have to fucking earn it back like who knows maybe Wait a minute, you do have that. Then you go, I'm going to fuck it.

1:20:40 I didn't think it was fun. Are we going to get a champ this year? not really doesn't seem like there is no the problem with a way to win or lose is it's going I thought yoga was the best one we've done because I got a Lambo that year. Why can't I get a Lambo? Yeah, that was fun. Yeah. I mean, we're in a... Jiu-Jitsu drunk. You can tell what's happening.

1:23:01 Yep. got high as fuck high as fuck we broke the attendance record for the Tacoma Dome. We were both lit. A car service picking you up. I had IV people come right up to my tour bus in front of my show in KC. The yellow. Yeah, yeah. You know, if you take the, there's a liposomal B12 that you can take, The shot's the way to go. that eat like shit though is because he knows dude i think he's i think he is about it. I think part of that, though, is because he knows, dude.

1:25:56 I think he knows. and he's like, your blood pressure medicine. 215 was the lightest I would love to do 205. 6'1". 265. 237? I haven't weighed myself since I got back off the tour. How often do you tour? Amazing. Me too. How much fun was it? You can sit around. that meghan mccain bit is fucking crazy yeah because those are the little virtue signaling and those were the ones who were like oh the king

1:29:58 He's just traveling Before it was like So it's like And never do a special again There's comics that You know, I mean. A lot of our clubs. We did it also on the next night. the Tacoma show about what they just saw how was it youtube it's not done yet like i want to tell you when it's done yeah i can pay attention Because they had to use it. It's a different vibe.

1:33:35 No questions asked. know but i like going there because it makes me really feel like i'm in another country looks A lot of Tom Segura cars driving around. Really. What's your stuff indulgence? I'm not that indulgent. So I was like, eh, fucking everyone. It's just kind of- It was a present. When you got this place, I got anxiety for you. And it's like when you got the Lambo, I got scared for you because I was like, why would

1:36:00 I like having money. So he doesn't feel bad to spend all his money on cars and shit And people that knew Hunter would say that when the cameras were off, he was a different guy. Yeah, yeah. And 6 a.m. in the hot tub went champagne. That's so cool. That is kind of what you go through. So, like, when people are like, hey, can I buy you a drink? And you're like, oh, I'm also a fucking dad.

1:39:16 know what you're saying i can't understand that either i'm basically an exaggerated version of Yeah, you're saying that to piss people off. Oh my God. Oh, yeah. those ufc broadcasts and you know if i'm doing a pay-per-view millions of people watching this Because I do this so often. you saw the fight yeah i just happened to be a fan yeah so it's easy like if i was doing basketball

1:41:57 Well, I think that's one of the good things about being not so good at something. there's a lot of work this is to write a bit about. no but i don't even really i only run to try to be healthy i don't enjoy it if i were like They're not here. And so is, I went to M school. That'd be crazy. Now there's a For You pick a class Oh, yeah. m5s on different courses what we should do what we should do is to keep the competition alive

1:45:01 See who's the best. we can do something else like look this but it's one of the most fun things we do we could do nervous going it's gonna flip it's gonna flip right right right well if you believe if you like two red-sized books you can't read a bullshit book that's probably that's what i couldn't read Fuck. How close was I? Yeah. yeah reading challenge just for a month all right what are the odds joe goes back and listens to

1:48:26 and both Dave Williamson And they're like telling someone We found out we could shit on my bus. Dude You have two shows rockies and leanne pops up this is like her first day on the bus and she's like um hey where are the You got to go ask the driver to pull over. what? when you can shit though you guys would have had without question This bus is 10 times better.

1:50:16 Don't you have J-Lo's bus? you think I would in Madison nothing I'm like hi my name's Ari I'm a comedian then like Dave, it's like, Oh, I'm like, I just walked straight onto his bus. People hear stories about Ari, And so Dave met Ari for the first time. Savage that I hear about. Fuck this. With... What are we doing? We got shot glasses. You can ring that bell right now.

1:52:30 All right, if you take a little sip, I'm not going to be mad at you. Let Bert smell it It does He's someone I can't imagine doing coke with that guy. He believes a lot of nonsense. Let's all pour a glass. Have a sip. Yeah, I'm already breaking the law. We were smoking cigars, and we both got a buzz. I'm going to Europe. My dick just got hard. Every drink is a class.

1:55:15 Every drink is an extra class. Wait, is it just every drink? It's my drink. That's't be like, oh, I just have a fucking beer stein full of Tito's. It's my drink. yeah. two classes a day What is one night of drinking? on stage with me. Will that set you straight? It was opposite. Oh my gosh. But that's not sober October They're already angry at Ari.

1:57:22 Holy shit. He's going to pee. One or the other. One class. Did you try it? Well, 5-HTP is just a nutrient. Yeah? Four? but it fucking backfires sometimes. I'm burning like 780 calories in a class. I really honestly, I tried calling you one time. well you gotta push it too come on to run a 5k It was gorgeous. Are you taking drugs? Four, Joe? It's not going to do anything to you.

2:01:28 There's some vitamins and adaptogens and stuff in there, too. a big partier and aubrey developed some shit to come down from Molly. san antonio and then houston i think they're all sold out say what's up to g for me g garth I did a lot of theaters, man. And clubs To New York Two weeks though Jesus, Bert. The fantasy came before But it would be cool. It would be cool. But weeks and just go do spots with him, Big J. Get drugged. But it would be cool.

2:04:18 By talking about it on a podcast? I think Ari maybe regrets it. Yeah. and it was awesome. I think. I remember I strapped into one of the because they were like and i was like i need to get out right now i need to get out right now and That's a panic attack right there. Because you did that to him, do you think we could allow him to do molly in october i would say okay do you want to

2:06:49 the situation to my wife. Right, like Britney Spears or something? kicking in, and he just goes out of the blue, You know you're an adult, right? He had them snipped. How often is that? Maybe twice a year. What in the world? Yeah, my buddies had that bullet where you'd load it and then flip it, Give me the fucking thing. Are you kidding me? Takes away the heart imagine him though like if you go like let's really do some coke today it's not it's not a line he's probably

2:09:28 That stuff, man. what Adderall did to them, Yeah. But it changes who you are as a person. No, because sometimes there's a talk to a doctor who said that i have to like sign that'll be the challenge or a shot or whatever Start at 10 But Ari and I already smoked a cigar We got silly I took one of Hinchcliffe's cigarettes once before I went on stage. Me and Big Jay did one of my podcasts. We talked about smoking. And it was just like, that's bad for you but the cigarette does give you an interesting buzz it is a buzz me and big

2:12:40 Is he off? Yeah, he's off. You know, I mean? I think he's got like 14 days off lozenges. What? He can't get off gum. Does it? oh I could really get into dipping We've all been here before. You just can't do it alone. If we do anal chugs where you drink the booze out of your ingot and use this absorbent tampon. Apparently you just get blitzkrieg. That sounds great.

2:15:03 Let's see if we can just get a tampon up her asshole first. No way. This is my friend's wife, who is a fucking school teacher. I thought it was just vodka. out of all you i'm talking about all kind of cleaning did you do this person's asshole first That's it. Well, okay. What? I want to do that. Valentine Thomas. I love that shit. Really? She's a spear fisherman.

2:18:40 away from hawaii and she gets out there and the water is black and she starts swimming down a lot in northern california but they have issues with sharks dude one guy was uh on ranella's Is that Kimmy? What happened? What'd you do, Bert? great white sharks i've been in the water with my bunch and they move so fucking intensely like For real? I just thought it was some shit you bought and was made out of shark's fins yeah i didn't know they cut the fins off and then throw

2:21:32 But this part of the thing of it is the fact that it's an exclusive delicacy. well, the elephant's for ivory though, so that they're not, will chop their goddamn horns off so the people don't kill them. It makes it not as valuable. Yeah, so that they're like, oh, I don't want to be gay. Except for the alcohol that's in this kombucha. I hope they tell us it's over.

2:23:27 I'm still going to run. Are you? What is a shot glass? It's kind of cool. A little closer. Do you remember some is a shot glass? You definitely should. But it's such a dumb, like, you don't need shot glass for your house. Let's see it. shut up burt he's gonna put it on Will that even fit you? You guys take a shot and watch Tom and I go fucking toe-to-toe.

2:25:49 And we could go to dinner with our ladies And then at the end, then you could really appreciate it. How about me and Ari will back out, and you two just go to town against each other? Most classes No It's like It's 35. Run a marathon with me. It's our IQ. More classes than him? Yes. For this. Ari Shafir, Jew, come to Chicago in November and San Jose as well? Nashville? don't see it so i don't know where it is is it under stream coach rs for a jew coming to chicago

2:29:10 It just shows Bert and Tom It's in that thing yeah HRV sleep performance 71% no that's not right my no no it's not it's not 27 What's your... You're winning by being more fucked up than us 12.8 Yeah today I took the day off But wait, one last thing, though. I don't want to open your psycho door. You would look at me weird When you'd see me It's going to piss the wives off for sure

2:31:46 That's what I meant. You're trying. Sober October winner Yeah, we'll make the bad motherfucker belts. Yeah, that'd be great. Because nothing's happening in January. It used to mean just alcohol. Just alcohol-free. Nice. Whenever you get a tender, like, where is it from? And Xanax and Ambien. like yes is that what you need it for that's why i don't want you to not get sleep bro i love you

2:34:29 Well, I'm not. He's done it before. For dial back drinking? No to 205 by the end of october 205 i'll do a hydration not on you yeah not a water i'll bring Hold on to it because I'm the champ? I'm back in therapy Jesus did it i'm feeling so much better beautiful i was having so much goddamn you're gonna be If you want to take jiu-jitsu every day, I think you still win.

2:36:55 But I think you should mix it up, but I don't think you should have to. If you want to do 10 jiu-jitsu classes, take that. one of the things i like doing is i like reading a couple chapters of a book then i get bored i to get to reading. I won't do it. What about prescription drugs, period? What are you thinking about? My liver's perfect. It's not a challenge.

2:39:11 I think you're flying the 1st. Who's fighting? That's Nate Diaz, Jorge Masvidal. Wow. You should do that. 266. Fighters do way more than that. You have weight to lose. Way back on the portions. Way back on your portions. Vegetables and salmon. Go to a nutritionist. Way back on the portions. Dude, if you do, it'll be amazing. You can do it. Tom was grinding. He was grinding the entire time. He was drinking nothing I drank the whole time. Do you have any cheese that can help you with this? Yeah, he drank the whole time. Tom was grinding.

2:41:39 He did his best, and he only beat you by a few pounds. It's all you, man. Okay. Thank you. Bye.