Joe Rogan Experience #1405 — Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer & Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 You'll be fine. So, the last few weeks, we've been getting these annoying text messages from Ari where Like, where you been? Did you have any Spanish speaking lessons before you went to Colombia? No, I had nothing. This is his Me Too back party. How Latin people are like, me what? Yeah. That's not exactly Is just like You know she was like, Yeah. They did for the Olympics.

2:56 Yeah. They don't fuck around. I don't know But they're definitely that has literally like this administration has literally been responsible for murders of which is slang for murders. Are you going back? going over to Russia for a long time. He looks like Putin's shaking his hand too hard I'd like that That's that smile. to be there for, Brad? Schultz did a bunch

5:29 I bet Gaffigan has too In English Dude what's the guy that ran 25 marathons in 25 days? hard as fuck. Literally, his skin is falling off the meat. I had him in on the podcast. He dressed like that, then he stopped dressing like that. Yeah, but also the kind of will that you have to have. If you run through there, they're going to kill you. They're rough, you know?

7:45 I brought like 40 soccer balls for all the kids, right? He goes, they'll all get fucking murdered on the way home because someone will kill them for their soccer ball. And I was like, what the fuck are you doing? You're going to give every kid in here a soccer ball? He was like, they'll all get fucking murdered on the way home because someone will kill

8:16 Especially, think of all the, I mean, we spent the night, we partied that night. Everyone's sweaty. I'm outside having coffee in my little shanty thing. And then I get he stole a pillow. We're done. Yeah, but they don't have too much give. We went into the favelas in Brazil and got lost at sunset. what they say don't stay up here we're gonna spend the night in the favelas favela yeah they have a great they have a great there's one

10:28 No, we went in, and we got lost, He brought guests? We're fine. Everything's fine. it's the best view of brazil that's the weird thing about the favelas they're it's like the No, he was a champ. Yeah. And then Sobrino. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I want to this education? Are you going to take classes? Is it? It's the same weather. And a narc. I don't know what this joke is

13:06 And it was like, I was always off balance. Yeah, it was weird. The homestay? background check on They're like, ¿Cómo está, Molly? I was like I guess I should Escobar shit And it was like who played Escobar in Narcos? who's smoking weed the whole time. you can... It's not even close at all. It is close. It's not even remotely. Yeah, but I mean, like, you can...

15:16 Is it? It is a Latin language. They have such a song to it. Yeah. Dude, the guy who played. Seasonoura. That sounds Portuguese. Yeah. Did you hear the location scout for Narcos got killed by the. Including, by the way, homeboy from fucking Massachusetts. Mitt Romney. tours of the cathedral all those places and he will put a gun to your head a loaded gun

17:46 holding a gun to my head I just fucking left you're like I didn't care Just about that guy? in like the dust. In prison with Escobar. You see the whole Medellin below you. play with me today Would just play They had a game tonight And they released him. He's coming on again. And they were talked out of it by the Mexican government. Billions. Bro, how crazy is Sean Penn?

21:01 What do you mean the reason he got caught? I would love to meet Kim Jong-un like that. Conor was doing the same pose and not telling anyone. Pretty fucking close. It's like the same thing. Didn't Conor McGregor's fight already sell out? Yes. I could cancel Australia. I've been before. When is your shows in Australia? That's true That's what my kids call me

23:23 Look at that Sorry, bitch. It's from Steven Seagal. So I just started it with the carrot. And you were filming the thing that day? 10 hours a day. But I told them. That's good. Ari and I actually talked about it Beat for beat Well I would have to catch him I'm crying laughing. R would sneak in a kiss. Not doing it. I'm hot. Well, Renee Zellweger did some weird stuff, right?

27:02 Did you see Meg Ryan? Once you do the lips, man. sequence is all off. And I go, oh, well, it's a fucking good one. Right? your hair right i have thin hair it's fine my hair is fine so when i got a hair transplant It looks like somebody axed him. He doesn't need that. If I just took my ball hair and put it on my head, it would go whoop. My ass hairs tie together when I run from cheek to cheek like a bridge.

29:39 He says he doesn't smell his bad parts. sound like. Your farts all of a sudden, like, who's farting in my pants? It's amazing. I'm slipping. We ordered it, too. I have it. I just haven's always clean. No, I need to get it. You got to do it. I know, I'm slipping. Oh, it's amazing. No. a shit that's kind of halfway stuck i'm gonna go take a shit, and then I start cleaning.

31:38 It breaks the O-ring? That's the problem with hair. No wipe. You're fucking out of your mind. Joey Diaz told me a story once about how he had to take a shit, so he took a shit in the bathtub, He couldn't, his ass pushed him from the front of the toilet, so he couldn't get all the way back there. Now that he texts, he's texting like a fucking ninth grader. Yeah, yeah. He's like, yo, you see the monkey on this chick? Yeah, he sends me photos. Oh, all the time. Still, yeah. All the time. Now that he texts, he's texting like a fucking ninth grader.

33:13 banuelos and chicharrones, Too many treats And trying to eat it Right out of the tap Right out of his to eat it right out of the tap. I was like, come on. You throw a crumpled piece of paper. Why? I farted once in the shower and I shit all over the place. You did? I wasn't feeling the bathtub. I farted once in the shower, and I shit all over the place.

35:04 It's like it's a murder scene. They don't smell anymore. are happening there slaughterhouses andhouses and fucking cow shit. It's not the smell. Oh, you piece of shit. Farting on you? We walk in the restaurant and I go, dude, it smells like a Russian hooker. Yeah. Your body, your brain sends a signal to you that you smell. about your farts It's like there's a buildup

37:54 i love my farts do you ever do you ever fart in your bed and your wife is in the bathroom His mom farts epic farms. Standard. And she goes, give me $150,000. Let's hear this. I said something about, I go, yeah, you think you have one? Let me hear this. You're not my son anymore. You're not my son anymore. Oh, and I made merch that said you're not my son anymore. You're not my son anymore. You're not my son anymore.

40:15 Oh, my God. like babies, a butterfly immediately if it happens He signaled like, I got to tell you something. By the way Some other person shitting just sitting there. You all came from that got busted? Yeah. Craig, I think, was his last name. It's just easier, Ari. your dick? But here's the thing, though. Just put your foot out wide. Yeah, what a land.

44:06 Prove that he's trying to arrange a sexual encounter. He pulled out the wrong card to an undercover officer. Tried to pay for sex on Grindr. I think prostitution in the gay community Yeah, I mean But also, let's just fucking fuck. don't have a car. And he's like, what? Well, that's the spot. That was, what was the singer, George Michael thing, right?

46:12 Going to that park, Let's go shopping afterwards, man. Remember when the rule was like, if you had a certain color handkerchief, that meant what Yeah. can't be alive anymore. Jesus. Dude, I was like this. Of course. before AIDS Chicago's not that bad. They probably just had to find a spot. Had to find a spot. Definitely. You gotta find, where's the deal? I gotta learn how to sing? Oh, Chicago's not that bad.

48:56 They're wearing cologne because they think it might, in some way, up their chance of You know, the thing is about cologne, a fucking Uber driver I love those people Cologne? I barely wear it. What? Yeah, I'd like to... Dude, look, this is a long unpacking story. I got hit in the mouth with a baseball bat. No, I'm joking. I blocked it. Can I ask you this?

51:02 Third. Brought it back into my mouth. You know, you want to get real about this. And I went, I was like trying to get, he goes, take off the gear. I don't know. That, though? Man, I remember being a. That's not like a suck it up moment. That's like a. a fucking man, and I'm glad he did it, because there's certain things. That, though? Everybody go home.

52:47 No, no, no I don't want to Yeah. He laughs it off, and and he goes you weren't that So it took like three years before you had a smile you were comfortable with. then then at one point i just had four teeth that looked okay and so and it's i mean there are Fuck face over here. You look fucking different. Your teeth look normal. I have no problem with my teeth whatsoever.

55:54 But it's from smoking cigars Dead teeth are weird. You're like, ooh, what other shit decisions are you making? But my thing has always been when somebody is like, you know, something about dental, It's worth it. Yeah. Meth in your pee With mushrooms you know told the story and just this is what's beautiful about she's fucking hilarious so she did my podcast and told a story

57:52 or she flew her up and give that dude a shout out you know what? Why do I feel worse and crush or something. What? Who, who? what does that mean what does that mean it's like the type of music oh's that word? Reggaeton. What does that mean? What does that mean? It's like a type of music. Yeah? Oh, how'd you do that? Docks him Look he's a handsome fella

1:00:04 It's called Drilled It's called Drilled He does a podcast So Oh no no no She had great legs Who the fuck likes that? it's not that long ago girls like guys what a guy She's asleep. Some contractor looking dude. That's a trick. Who's the girl, Jen Seltzer? They're getting cancer. I do remember that from True Life. that you're sticking inside of you.

1:03:42 probably the more important statistic. You're too lazy. And that's the only reason You know Tommy Morrison got pack implants? And he got pec implants and they were preposterous. But look at the picture of him when he didn't have them. I mean, he looked fantastic. George Foreman was like 55. He killed himself, right? See that picture right next to your cursor?

1:06:16 died at 44 yeah yeah he was not doing good man damn dude he got addicted to all kinds of drugs and then his whole life fell apart. it was a good there's like a great right Did you ever see the Ray Mercer fight? I was watching with my friend Kevin. Oh, fuck. Whoa, yeah. a rough one, too, because they were supposed to have MMA fight. Or did not have a boxing fight.

1:09:06 They had a gentleman's agreement. But watch this. the whole fight takes a few seconds. when he was young, I remember one of my And he said hi to him, and he was wearing his belt. Fuck yeah. Joe's experience with MMA has been so different, but I would love to hear an outsider's view as an insider on the growth of MMA. Oh, yeah. Australia, Brazil, fucking everywhere.

1:11:06 I don't know. I want to go show that. Oh, they're fun. Yeah. Oh my god But the energy Were you with that one and then he won every round. AriShafir.com or AriTheGreat.com. In Hawaii? I mean, Maui? That's a great club. Do you go for a run early in the morning so you can earn your buzz? Oh, yeah. Oh, is that More people die 150 people die. I'd rather lose an arm than be dead from a coconut.

1:14:46 With their surfboards Waco apparently That's an indoor Obviously Fresno yeah And it was fucking so it makes Kid, man. I would say, yeah, 11 years old. and they're like, Kelly Slater surfs at Sebastian. I don't even know if it's true. He was It's a different kind of celebrity That's Mario Lopez bro Did you see that wave? What do you mean? I don't know.

1:17:24 He won an eighth Pipe may have retired no he was if he was gonna win i think he was gonna definitely where you get a standing ovation? Look at this. Look at this feeling he's got. Oh, he's competing against 22-year-olds for sure. And then he's like, I'm gonna do it. Hard core bro to go surfing comedy He's got a chick. Like, young fuck boy Kelly Slater.

1:20:26 hair. you're that handsome They're slinging so she see him she would seem a lot fuck him oh she did and she you ever see her in the view just The View is this, but they talk about serious shit, and people take them seriously. That's what's weird about that show that was publicized. Hasselbeck. They always have, like, before it was Whoopi. It's people talking.

1:22:37 That's the difference between TV and this. Right, but what do you think Five million viewers, probably, I'm guessing. They could put makeup Millions Are just flipping through channels That was the best. It was right as, set the stage. And then, and then, and Louie and Roseanne. Right, right, right. popping them in his mouth He goes, why would I? Do you remember the time you came?

1:26:00 It was the funniest fucked up. was not ready i got him fucked God, man. tear come where you're like and then we walk into the irvine improv and they're announcing him he And I looked at, I called Stan Hope. He was like, what? right? why aren't we sometimes taking a step back to take a step forward right norm has a joke he goes uh i He goes, I do have a dog.

1:29:20 neighbors neighbors because norm did you meet the new neighbor he goes yeah i did he goes what's The guy goes, yeah. he's such a piece of shit you You're like, why can't we say it? No, no, no, no, no. I know, but it sure sounds like that. but like, what if we could tether ourselves to it wrote like a banger knock-knock joke? your time how does that hurt promoting it ahead of time but you can still promote it ahead of time

1:31:26 you are gonna do something but i think i think that's what's cool about comedy is like that's and I went... It saves your time. No. That means no. information when I do that too that are so Small crowd will make you talk to them. The more time you spend that I have in the rider And your white wine. Yep. that was like an old and he goes, Where they were like

1:34:22 A white Yukon Is that thing. venue you have the option to like basically make requests of things you want in your green room so a veggie plate, water, Chappelle has all red lights fucking red lights. That doesn't make you feel like going out there. And one of the ring card girls was sitting across the aisle from me. She was like, yeah. Yeah. I've done that from my bed before.

1:37:41 I would never be my wife. We did one for 2012 with Stan Hope and Diaz and Honey Honey. And they all do it. They're like, it's a place to hang. And there's nothing crazier than like. Like you want to meet my friend? I'm not just hanging out. One time I had a guy bring his family. Just a random on the road. just you want to relax you're not you don't necessarily like have to meditate you're just

1:40:20 And I go, well, I mean, I don't really really know him but i'm meeting his children right now i wrote off a dude that i was friends with for a while for this lat when I shot this special in Cleveland. And he sent me a nasty fucking email about me being a liar about not having a guest list. Did he not understand that you were doing a special? That's on them.

1:42:11 to try to like, but like, that did you ever do that when you're coming up did you ever go to a national headliner one time How do I step on to get to the next level? I chose somebody. I would be way more nervous as a younger comic opening up for you than you would be. there and I was gonna ask you but he imposing you're You know, because I was a big fan.

1:45:29 to tell a long story. What was it? I just wanted to come in and say hi. That is true. Like, you know that I'm doing this. Yeah. hey, I didn't take this from you will try to kill Have never seen you before You know and then they'll be following me. one or two comments, boston in the late 80s and i'd have joe rogan open foran open for me and I would just take him with me

1:48:11 really thought about it to be able you is i was a fan of yours before i was friends with you when you and brian were doing that joe You're like, I've never met her. Yeah, like you know more than him. she's explaining how to eat pussy wow yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah yeah okay i'm not crazy just I wish I hadn't said that out loud. I might have. Oh, that his is the skull one?

1:50:31 Okay, for stand-up shows, sure, it was the worst. The other people who were like Who were fucking in the back I'm scared of any alcohol That I didn't pour in my bring with me personally. Where it went up and then down. I would love to know, like, the camps, and, like, who were in the different camps, and, to be the host of a talk show. The thing that was going on that was weird was that the guys that were at the higher level,

1:52:25 There was a different thing. And if Tommy got a TV show, you were like, fuck, that could have been my show. to a successful podcast, everybody gets happy It's not like it used to be, man. i can and this is way more money than i ever thought i could ever make yeah and but i'm gonna Ralphie wasn't really there. Yeah. I didn't know that. I don't care.

1:55:22 got to talk to him he's friendly with me now but back then I would go on after him, just eat shit. No, I'm going to relight this one, but you can light another one. You have to watch that in the basement. Anybody who was good. This is why I got past. And I was, you know, I think I was 26. Yeah. I don't remember. So I can do sets after the show. That's where Kennison was.

1:58:11 Right? and I'm like, were at the store so the wave of kenneth see i'm here in 94 right kinnison was huge in 88 you got and fucking movie stars the comedy store's gone through these And the Todd, But before he lost his mind, he sat down next to mitzi And then he came to me offstage. Call in the morning. They got 35 grand an episode. Really good writers.

2:00:50 and they brought in where are we living pilot place yeah that's like the pilot place You did it for Chris McGuire. I like how you're intentionally not saying his name. Yes, I'm not saying his name. But I did that for a bunch of character in that? Todd Lemish, it says. Steven Green. Nancy Redmond. 87 Maron was there for a short time In 94 Is it Robert Downey Jr.?

2:03:45 invest in bitcoin he didn't say that oh what wait what was the other one oh brett just told me to I've always liked supporting comedians. The Todd thing, let me get back to that. it in the garbage and then but he didn't remember that he had had a camaraderie with the bartender where you're like oh that was a big help just guys treating you like you belong like a human

2:06:12 I did. That was big. but he was good and bad And Tom and I would talk privately about going like, just the weirdest fucking things. I mean, he's still a toy. Obviously, Dan and I don't speak. Yep. And I go, oh, you're watching Florida State? I go, hey, welcome to the tour, man. know i don't know any of the players no no hold on what you don't fucking you don't know any of

2:09:31 oh, wow. Now, realizing it's And I listened to the whole fucking thing. And I think I told you that. He was gorgeous back then. What does that mean? And you would just fill that shit out? Do a rape yeah a good win He wanted it Let's talk about Tom behind his back When you first met Tom Right? Giant feather in his cap. Giant feather, so to speak. Yeah. So to speak.

2:11:56 We were doing the Maxim tour. and he and I got along like that. recognizing that the doorman and the opening acts and the middle acts will one day be your peers fucking weirdos you know like this is it's a rare weirdo there's not Yeah, he had just lost some weight. 240 at the time. Were you 240? The numbers are big. You're about 253. We have a scale.

2:14:39 I want to see where I'm at after Columbia. How'd you get to 220? Yeah. I got so into it. At the end of September, beginning of October? Joe said, can you be down to 205 at the end of October? I'm going to have fun. I wish you had seen the boxes I'd given your presence in. You go ahead and put it out there. 10 and a half. You know what's annoying? Let's not change the subject too much.

2:17:18 Let's get the scale. I don't care. Me? What do you think you weigh, Burt? We're not weighing in. Because... Obby? Don't take your pants off, bro. You look great. Remember when Ari had a six pack? Zero. Yeah it's the carpet I'm okay with that is that if you just went whole hog and went crazy, you'd be a beast. I get obsessed with weight and It's a crammer.

2:20:46 What were you thinking? He did do a marathon. I'll say I can do that to anything. I can do anything. No. You have another stroke? just give me a shot and not good at and then work really hard at getting good at things. And his experience is that saying that sometimes works out. You will be someone who says. And then I go. Thank you, Ari. Thank you, Ari!

2:23:44 You could kick it a lot farther than I could. I've never kicked anything personally. Well, I've kicked things my whole lot further That's a Pat McAfee Phrase You could kick it Kick a football Actually And then once you did that No that's what a field goal is. This is my point. No, no, no. I have to say, that sounds ridiculous. It's 100% happening. Let's go.

2:25:29 They've done this for real? I say numbers. They do it and say, you want your fucking scholarship? No, fuck it. He was already on the team. Here we go. if he can do it. That's close. Here we go. It's actually harder than what you said. They're not doing that for anybody who can kick a 53-year-old. Get on the scale, bro. at the end of september beginning of october and you looked like a fucking junkie like on the

2:28:19 But at the end of... Two cows, one barn. He looked, for everybody, he looked dramatically different. For what? Hold on. I wrote a fourth show yeah while he's gone and What if Tom and I 500 pounds. weigh under 500 pounds. Yeah, we weigh over Yeah, he's weighing in. I work out. What is it? That's 100% accurate Of your tits I meant like when you were younger?

2:31:33 Joe, 205 exactly? Still birth to Tom Wade in like 230 You climb on I'm going to get right behind you Just go, go, go, go, go. Yeah, you've got to rest steady. Okay, yeah you got to like rest steady make Give it a touch. I know we lost challenge. It is what it is. So, are you guys trying to do something? Can you bring up a BMI just on your computer?

2:34:21 Yeah. Ha spin, bro. And then Bert went on were like, let's see what we can get down to. I could First one to 205. Eating it? Two of five. Yeah. I was just overweight, just made the cut 6'1". Peruvian. Jesus. Come on, man. No, it's not. 6'6". You're healthy as fuck. One, eight. Okay, definitely take that off We were talking about doing a weightlifting,

2:37:41 No. I'm not going to say I could have gotten there So I was like What? Pleasant. I've got an idea. It's going to be fun. She signed on for a raw deal. a very, very attractive Look at you. I'm a masturbator standing up. Oh, he's got your t-shirt. Thrill was back in the early 2000s, right? It doesn't. For me, it's pasta. I love it I used to do that all the time

2:41:55 then you know start doing it less are you waiting what are you doing now you're gonna go with your No, it's not. empty calories of booze yeah it's food because Tom jaw drop you on food. Dude, the Burt's sushi experience with Ralphie is my favorite story. I'm taking you to dinner tonight. And I know I'm paying for it, and I'm eating to like four meals.

2:44:59 and they go go fuck yourself again don't talk to me and ravi goes i'll play should have just let I would do the same thing. storms off ralphie goes i'll play we go win it back on blackjack and it was not a drop in the bucket I'll see you on the plane Playboy Miami to I remember it's working out you don't become a comedian if you don't like rolling the dice man i don't think

2:47:35 read 500 pages like that number should have been 200 no it like should have been 500 we should Yeah. was the funnest shit is amazing oh okay Yeah, sure. It looks cool as shit. No. I'm saying like in Please Academy, there were these things. It looked cool Yeah but There's a few times out here, man. for you? tons of stand up I forgot that. Your kids aren't?

2:50:06 until one day I decided to forgive Ari No, yeah, I was dealing with darkness in my head about just OCD shit. I wasn't over it. It's Arie Schaefer. I'm going to fucking have to deal with that tomorrow. this bad karma for him what? And I was like, I do. He's just a bad person. I can't... Man, I'm not in a I was like, I can't. I can't. were howling about it yeah you were we got high we were smoking weed and just laughing about the

2:53:50 And we're like, ah! He's here. I definitely agree with you. I ain't going through your shit, cocksucker. It was killer. Oh, boy. A felony. We're just joking, folks. Can you play this theme of the Hulk? Me importa la amistad. Good call. Don't show it on camera. Beautiful animals in the woods. They'll fuck you. They have horns. Beautiful animals in the woods.

2:57:14 Just speak from the heart. as important, Just put that down and... Than Eliza's Let your friends tell you Who painted it? I will do what you said, Joe. It's just speaking from do was, I like playing pranks. I will do what you said, you're never going to release that podcast, but were going to come home and say, you know, Maybe they saw something in you that I don't see.

2:59:49 I wanted to have fun. He's worthless. You know? and i didn't want i didn't think about like you having to fucking run interference with me against I was going to have to take care of you. And I told you on the phone, But in that moment, I was like, is he doing what these enemies do to me where he just thinks oh he's some fucking weak comic just rips his

3:02:16 And then it took a little bit to just go. Yeah he does Maybe that means to you guys sometimes. The text thread is fucking awesome. You skipped every other word. It's contagious. I still thought it was fun until it was like, Free drugs. But I also wanted really badly for you guys to make up. You called me every day. And I was like, I feel victimized, but I know I'm not a victim. I know that this

3:05:01 Hey, put that down. Don't film it. and I was I've always been sexually I was like and I was like because I go I don't want to be the guy that people come on my show and they go, I'm going to fucking drug him. i i gotta be honest with you man you when you lean on friends and you come out of a place like that he wanted to kill Sober October, Yeah, you kind of have to now.

3:07:22 Do you understand that? That's a drugging Your friend is 5HDP and I didn't, We were feeling really good. We were feeling really good. just going, listen, cocksucker, That's what drugs do is they take you over. Like let's do a mid year month Like June We could do it any time. But I'm saying October, Yankee playoffs games. Are you really doing that every night?

3:09:45 I like that. You are wild. you were the most generous human being. But it got weird. and hang out, just not drink. We could do January. Let's do Australia, though. the only vegetables I had were garnished like like sauteed mushrooms on top of a steak on purpose Like they were rotten. Jesus, man. I will say, But if we do it in January, it's great. The classes were fun.

3:13:04 Okay. What do you think you can get up to? Oh. He's eating candy all day. Why? And even though I'm a better pool player than Ari, I would give him the seven, eight, and And then I bought him a year of jiu-jitsu once for Christmas or Hanukkah It's nonsense. physical skill or you know you have to do so it's it's it's very simple all you have to do is have

3:15:30 that's why we didn't do a competition this year that's that's like we didn't do a competition I got so much pizza You're 180 Tom might have done something a little early Hold on, Joe. I don't know You walked in Wait, how did you know what I was going to weigh, though? I would never do something like that. I was like, all right, Tom, we're in. That's the last time you heard Benny Hill.

3:18:07 He was like a pervert Yeah all fast and speeded up We'll end the show. A real one. Oh, yeah. Shout out to... This podcast And podcasting. Salute. Salute